Urban Paranoia

So here we are at week four and still no contact at all from the NHS, talk about run silent run deep, and now the paranoia is starting to take hold! Do they believe me? Do they intend to help me? Am I actually ill? The last one is the one that’s actually playing on my mind, worming its way silently through my defenses and to be truthful at the moment I seem to have come through the worst of my latest problems, but that is one of the problems, it’s only the latest! It flowed away with the tide and I know where it’s sitting I can see it waving at me, but what it’s really doing is saying “hahaha just wait until you least expect it, then we intend to kick the door in and really go to town on you and your neurosis”!

So what do I do? Do I try and reinforce my weak defenses or do I sit and bite my nails and worry, I know I would prefer to do the first but I’m not in charge, my brain is and I don’t think that it is firing on all six cylinders! Part of the time it’s trying to kick over and most of the time it’s just sitting there idling away like it needs its points need resetting. I try and live my life so that most of the items are “smart” yes I know the jokes will be flying thick and fast but honestly I do.

S- Specific, I try and do the task in and hand and I try to focus, but my focus is like me blind without my glasses I’m screwed these days, my focus is a tad blurry and I really do need a bloody good optician.

M- Measurable, I always try and quantify what I’m doing life in itself can be overwhelming enough at time so I try to do life in “measurable” chunks.

A -Achievable, I need to know that what I intend to do is actually achievable I don’t want to reach for the stars, what I want to be is happy, chilled whatever the word of today is that’s what I want, I do not mean to impose my problems (OK so I’m writing a book about it but you get my drift) on anybody, lots of people have issues some more than one, I feel as though my issues are trivial, but some people around me know that that actually isn’t the case.

R – Realistic, this is the one that pushes me over the edge I’m never realistic and it punishes me like a boxer in the ring, my expectations get crushed daily, I don’t need to be looking months ahead I need to concentrate on the coming minutes not hours or days!

T – Timed, as all of my life is I wish I could turn off my internal clock, but I have been the same since I was taught how to tell the time, at whatever age that was, I have been fascinated by the passage of time how it flows and ebbs, and it’s time specifically that screws me reliving the same six minutes over and over in my head, time is really my enemy, one that I know I will never defeat it and I should never try ….but you know me I do and it kicks my arse every time.

So now I sit here and wait and the waiting is an insidious thing it’s the thing sitting there mocking me telling me that it’s going to fuck with my head on a daily basis no matter what I do no matter what I say.

My friends whether they know it or not help immeasurably, I know most of them don’t have a clue about it, and sometimes just sometimes I sit and watch and I always wonder how do they manage or if they even do manage and then the paranoia kicks back in and tells me that they have no worries! It’s me and my paranoia for life there doesn’t seem to be a happy balance, one day hopefully but not just yet, maybe I am asking for the stars, if I am I don’t care anymore because as I’m often told a shy bairn gets nowt!