Living in the past

And so, the blogs continue with more pressing writing going on and as per usual I have spun out in a maelstrom of plans and notes for upcoming blogs and the such like. Ideas are like worms they wriggle in and out of my brain and because I have no structure at the minute its like a bloody flood of ideas I’m not sure where I stand, so I am going to pick ideas out at random and dissect them accordingly and like worms you know for a fact that both parts will want to live!

I have recently been thinking about family and wondering about a lot of things from my past and trying to connect the dots and something simply isnt adding up, way too much to go into detail in this particular blog, it’s something I have mentioned previously but I waved it away as though it didn’t matter, it seems like it does as it keeps worming its way back into my brain, at some point I need to sit down and put some serious effort into it but for now put it to one side until I can give it enough of my brain to think over all the kind of things that do need to be considered, confused yet, because I am but hey that’s just the way that the cookie crumbles.

I have been having similar thoughts about friends but not quite so dark, just wondering what has transpired over the last twenty five years, a lot of my old friends although I am friendly, I rarely see (if I’m honest of late I have rarely seen any friends but that’s for another time) we are still friendly but simply nodding acquaintances these days, although the platitudes from them are still “we will have to go for a pint” it never happens and for that I have resigned myself to that, it’s a shame, when I’m a friend I’m a friend for life not just a flavour of the month type of guy, but over the years I have put myself out for them , it hasn’t been reciprocated, it makes me think how much of friends we  actually were? I know there are some people who refused to associate with me simply because of some of these friends and yet when I stood by them……… ah  you can see the worms can’t you, there is no malice to these people I still have an awful lot of fond memories of earlier times it would appear that they don’t and maybe the good times were not as good as I remember! Again, more for future blogs and it will be all positive…………I promise!

Also I have been ruminating decisions in my life and I have been also trying to keep a positive spin on that as well , I will admit once I have made my mind up I have rarely been swayed to change my mind, right or wrong I try not to dwell on it, what if’s most of them I could live with one or two I really do wish that I had chosen a different path, it is what it is and you do (allegedly) learn from your mistakes, in my life there are probably only two decisions I wish I could change both in my teens but what the hell did I know at the time I was a flaming ball of teenage neurosis…..well that my excuse and I’m going to stick with it, again something from the past for the future.

Have I taken the right path I? I probably have, you do what you do I have very little regret again if I let what if’s rule my life it could be for the worse, it’s something that I do intend do intend to investigate the paths that I have taken, hopefully with a positive spin lots more ideas for blogs again from a positive point of reference rather than the dark side that has infested some of the more recent blogs have done.

Am I happy with the place I have ended up , well like everybody there could always be one or two tweaks but it’s all down to me at the end of the day, I have never really dug down deep to think about why I did whatever I did at that particular time, but with all the ideas that have floated to the surface from my break in blogging, in all honesty I should have never stopped blogging, but now the levee has been breached and for once I am looking forward to all things written ……….well at the moment LOL

I have also remembered some of the people who I upset over the years and this is part of the thread that is running through the thought of this blog I have indeed been living in the past and have been reliving a lot of past issues, which in the real schemes thing probably amount to nothing and if you talk to the individuals they would probably look at me like a demented buffoon, but these thoughts have stuck with for a reason I need to take them like an onion and peel the many layers and see what is left after all the crying (at least no sailing metaphors yet) I can think of one person who I upset (if you have read some of the recent blogs and are a good detective you should be able to decipher the code) and at the time being so full of testosterone (and bullshit) I didn’t care, but all the years later down the line the fact that I still think of the individual and hate the fact I may have poisoned this person’s life in anyway shape of forms sits with me every day (not in a completely negative but I do feel bad).

Did I do this deliberately , no of course I didn’t I like to think that I am a pretty good person, but I do believe that good guys finish last, and this has affected some of the outcome of my life, I do try to live my life by a higher standard (it’s a fault that the nice doctor pointed out to me in my therapy sessions)  but as long as I can keep going forward that’s a positive thing and at the moment my family need as much positivity as possible, why did I do what I did at the time? I have no idea or at least I don’t think I know, but again in the coming weeks we shall see, I may still need therapy we shall see at the end of the next set of blogs I’m sure some of you may point out my many issues as they pop up!

I have been a big fat liar to myself over the years, yes to myself mainly but at some point I bet I have I have lied to some of my friends ,  family and even my countrymen but not intentionally, I hate lying it’s a trait my father had and yes I do intend to broach this the most dastardly of all of my living in the past I believe my father is the point of all evil and that particular blog may have a large portion of bile, please do not say that you haven’t been warned!

What does the future hold? Who knows who cares do any of you give a rats ass, I have no idea, at the moment I’m in a good place for writing and it has been helping me, is there still issues damn right the main one being life, but its better placed to be positive rather than negative, I feel as though I have wallowed enough, believe me I have, but hopefully it has given a boost , not the boost of some good luck, but hey ho beggars cannot be choosers!

I feel like I am making forward traction again, I feel that I need to get a grip and I feel the need to blog, and yes I can hear some of you groan “we have heard that before” it is what it is , I primarily write for me the fact that some of you come along for the ride is pretty damn good! So keep spreading the disease, until the next time Toodles!

Staying Power

I should not have blogged last week!

The numbers went through the roof , 4th best read blog and still going, and then the floodgates opened and out poured my brain, all in a good way, all the depressing stuff has been assigned to the bin, as the intention for the long term is be full of positivity!

This week has been a week of lots (and lots of music) of good things I have been looking at past blogs to see if there are any positive blogs to help me and actually there is a few out there (i'm not the miserable bastard I paint myself out to be be). Lots of people have been doing a lot of back reading, with the blog "Girls" from March of this year getting over 60 hits by far the most popular of the older blogs, maybe its all my old girlfriends reading it LOL, I have a number of new blogs gestating which are quite raw, so a number of them require polishing, but blogs a plenty to come.

A lot of people contacted me, some new, some old friends and it was quite refreshing, and lots of questions which will become a new  "Now hear this" blog (incoming) I just need to compile the right set of questions and make sure that nothing is repeated! I was pleasantly surprised at how many people read the last blog, I thought I was a forgotten man (in the blogging world).

So what is to come, well I shall stick to the previous model, I will post and wait for the numbers to drop off, before I post anything new, some will be long, some will be short, some will be (well will try)  humorous, I will try my best not to be a misery, some will be historical and some will just be the nonsense that spills out of this old mans head!

Some people were even inspired to say that they intended to blog themselves, please do its a wonderful tool it has kept my sanity (allegedly) to levels of happiness, unknown since I was a little boy (and thats a long time ago) if you do blog post a link as I would love to read them. but for now I have things to polish (careful) and lots of music to listen too. I have said in many previous blogs that I need a hobby, well I think its safe to say that writing these blogs is that hobby, yes I know I need to get out of the house a little bit more to help with inspiration, hopefully some cunning plans will come to fruition.

Again thanks for all of the support, comments and such like, it has inspired this old man, thanks to the new readers and the old ones and some of you seem to have stuck around for quite a while congratulations to Nils who got the name game and was quite happy with himself, lets see if he gets this one! and thats this tiny blog done, i'm not expecting huge numbers on this one so I better get ready to post the next one, keep spreading the disease and watch the skies for incoming, until the next time ........Toodles! 

Dreamers Ball

Now let's see how we do this .............

Ah right yes i think i can remember..........erm well maybe!

lets sort out the elephant in the room ,  I have had quite a few issues, firstly  the wife has been poorly so that ate big style into the finances, so lack of opportunities to mix and mingle with the Tee Hee Club as much as we would like, I have had a few issues of a health nature and no I'm not winning, its not life threatening just yet, but I'm sick of having my ass handed to me on a plate on a daily basis, my mental state of mind has fluctuated, not in a drama queen kind of way, I have just struggled with everything  thats on our plate at the moment, work has been cack with redundancies hanging over us like the sword of Damocles, so I have spat my dummy out in the vain hope to concentrate on life and things. Now I'm not saying that it has been successful but I thought it was the right thing to try and do, behave like an adult..............well it  hasn't worked so I'm reverting to what does! and here I am!

No i have no intention to have a list ticking off what I have done in the missing months (not a lot), have I written in that time ........nope not one word, but I feel like I could be coming back with a vengeance, watch this space, I just have to relearn how to do this thing, anyhoo onwards!

Yesterday I had a shift dropped on me that I didn't want to do, but there was no wiggle room, so I had to play nice and deal with the walking dead, trust me it was a wonderful thing to behold and I have to do it all over again tomorrow. The only thing that kept me together was the knowledge that I was going to see some of the South Shields Massive, so I nodded and smiled at people who have others to tie their shoe laces and then let them loose outside with no parental support, it made for a very long day.

It wasn't helped with the knowledge that the wife had took a tumble in the middle of a busy road at home while out with our grandson thankfully there are still some kind people who helped her up from the street. Notice I said some, the bulk  of people simply kept on  walking (Twunts) thankfully she is only slightly bruised , she will be a lot worse when she gets up this morning! the time machine pulled in and we headed to our little jolly, a belated kind of Halloween party on a full moon we were bound to get the odd werewolf.

Lo and behold as we entered the enchanted house in the woods (come on stick with me it's been a while) our host leapt out from the darkness in a............werewolf mask, damn that was good, lead onto the drink lol and from there I behaved, I didn't shrink away like a shy wall flower as I would normally, I chatted with the general masses and generally (gulp shock horror) enjoyed myself (I always do when I go to the enchanted house) I had long conversations with people I didn't even know and it was all good, I behaved myself ,I even explained all about the dynamics for bus seat bingo and it seems I have a new convert and this young lady will be starting a South Shields branch this very Monday! A deep and meaningful conversation with a very old dear friend who seems to be fighting the same  battles as a lot of people are, all I can say is fight the fight and take it one day at a time, fight the battle not the war, the world will keep spinning no matter what you do, as soon as you realise that, then its the first step into looking after your self and if you can do that the rest will eventually fall into place, anytime you need an ear I'm here for you anytime!

There was copious amounts of dry ice, people in funny costumes and pizza with the odd drink thrown in for good measure, the dogs were so laid back it was unbelievable, only barking to greet the next influx of participants, I had gone as a serial killer (what do you expect I was at work all bloody day) there was Elks piss a plenty oh and pizza, OK I had two pieces it was worthy of a mention. and just as quickly as it started it was over (we had left our pooch alone and we wanted to make sure he was alright...he was) and then up the wooden hill to sleep the sleep of the dead, dreaming (hence the title and yes the name game is in play) what I was going to write and to ponder if I could actually still do this, I will let you lot tell me? if I can, I have a number of cunning plans are developing (all of the writing kind) so watch the skies I have incoming, you know you want it, until then Toodles!