Knapsack

We liked to go a wandering back in the day, damn that tune is stuck there now!

When I was younger I’m not ashamed to admit to having periods of unemployment, hell the town where I lived lost over 4000 jobs overnight, I thought I was the lucky one as I had a placement in her majesty’s armed forces, well we all know how that worked out and with no plan B in my back pocket, I took what was offered. Some jobs lasted, some didn’t, it was the way it went, some might have been declared one or two were not, 99.9% were legal, I may have skirted some naughtiness in my youth, nothing I regret nothing that would get me locked up (hopefully).

My usual day was to go to the job centre when it opened again at lunch time and then about thirty minutes before they closed, in between that it was the usual hawking around industrial estates knocking on doors and being told sorry no vacancies, you get set into a routine and it helped me that I did  this, because believe me not everybody did some sponged off the Bank of Mum & Dad, mind you some did amazing things with very little money, we could have a wild weekend for a tenner, yes you got that right! I had mates who didn’t do any of this and they still survived, you do what you need to survive!

Most afternoons I would go for a stroll with my mates who were unemployed Basil and GP, always me and Basil, if GP was available he would tag along, I always wanted my mate A too tag along, but he didn’t do healthy things he preferred to stay in his garage and work on cars and stuff (which was fine) but we really were a happy little bunch of men, the beauty of where we lived helped, two minutes from my house and I was in the country side and I mean beautiful country side, in those days there was very little traffic and what there was, well you could hear it coming, we would dawdle through idyllic country lanes like a generation x version of last of the summer wine, walking talking and generally doing nothing else.

What did we talk about? well music, music and probably just a little bit more music, ok with a dash of female sensibility (who was hot and who was not) thrown in for good measure, what we were going to do with our nights out, who what and when, it may have been a small town but there were tons of places to go to, some we could go to in small groups some in larger groups, usually because at the time we all had long hair (well except GP who was a mod ….well I like to think he wasn’t a sheep so bucked the trend when he could) different places to go with girls, different places to see girls , ah you get the picture, we were all young once allegedly!

Sometimes we wouldn’t talk about anything sensible, we had our own sense of humour, we looked at things slightly different but we were on the same page as people, we knew right from wrong, not everybody could say that, there was no malice within our little group I may have been a misery at times, but I can say with all honesty my friends were simply  that, friends and they had nothing but good intentions, some people outside the group couldn’t understand that, it didn’t matter we stuck together through thick and thin, yes I was thin once and I was definitely thick!

Basil had a bad reputation, not with us, not because he was a bad person, but he had no social filter he told you like it is or was, he always told you what was on his mind (he was a drummer so you could kind of guess, bless him) although he didn’t know it at the time he helped me through many dark days possibly the worst time of my life and we very rarely had a cross word between us, we were usually on the same page about most things, I would say he was ahead of his time, progressive, me I was old fashioned I was then and I am still now.

These days stand out for what they were, a much simpler time before life dragged us apart and we all went our separate ways, I still see Basil occasionally and he does make me happy to see him, , however 13 years back in Gimpsville and he has never knocked on my door, At least A has knocked at my door and gone for a drink (usually when he needs something) once in a blue moon, those days are long gone, I wonder what we would talk about if we were to go wandering these days, I know we are different people, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to resume what we had all those years ago, GP moved away, but is on Farcebook and we have reconnected (slightly) through that medium, its good to see how he has progressed, I feel that this has turned slightly melancholy, but for once in a happy way, not in a down in the dumps kind of way, that was not my intention, I have struggled to verbalise my feelings for those halcyon days, I do have fond memories, is it wrong for me to reminisce, I don’t see friends as much as I would like.

Now before anybody jumps in and says well you could always reach out, I have done and although my hand wasn’t slapped away, neither was it grasped, like I said we have all grown up and moved on it would appear that it’s only me that can’t let go of the past, in a good way that is. We all have lives family and the such like I wish all of my old friends from my circle in Gimpsville good thoughts and kind deeds, What do I have in my life I still have good friends , although we don’t see them as much as we would like for a multitude of reasons with us mainly financial, we live too far from of friends but that’s the pill for us to swallow, at least I have my memories and my music thankfully a constant, some good some bad and some truly horrific (hey I love the Spice Girls first album the metal mix that is)  now where do I go from here, well as always I simply take one step at a time and hopefully I have more good days than bad ones, maybe when we retire me, Basil and GP could go a wandering again, with a knapsack or two between us, until that time comes around ………………..Toodles!

Rocks in the road

Something happened with the last blog, it was written off the cuff and (allegedly) was humorous, it also did fab numbers (still climbing) and I got some fab comments (always makes me suspicious LOL) it also left some rocks in the road in its wake.

I said I had some blogs simmering awaiting that magic touch, well I still do, four close to completion three simply bare bones but some good thoughts in amongst them, but because of the last blog I have a whole heap of doubts regarding their credibility, I have put too much time and effort just to dump them, but some reason I don’t quite know how to finish them off, its like they are radioactive!

Seeds of self-doubt surfaced the day after I posted the last one, with my black cloud trying to rush me and push me into a corner, now this was medically induced as I’m on new medication and at the time suffering from huge waves of nausea, work saved the day simply by keeping me active and as the week progressed I got better and my black cloud buggered off, the nagging doubt about my blogs didn’t, its always the same when I do a happy one off the cuff, I wasn’t expecting it and I had tremendous fun writing it, and then ……….doubt, and then writers block.

I’m writing this one simply in the hope that I can break that block and so that I can weave my magic with some writing, for my own state of mind more than anything else, I’m not in a bad place, it’s almost like I have pulled into a layby and simply can’t get motivated, I do not like that mood! I have four days off and I need to fortify myself for the malaise that I normally find myself in and I need to get out of the house, even if simply to restart my fitness regime and to complete my walk, baby steps as they say.

As for the rest of the weekend I’m not sure , large portions of music will feature (as always) and blogging will hopefully have some semblance of order and will drag me back to life, as I really have no intention of festering, some fresh air and hopefully the fruition of a small cunning plan, the weather as always may figure in that one, so again I’m not expecting great numbers with this one, I simply wish to break my writers block, I need to re-engage with life as truth be told that is the lifeblood of the blog, so fingers crossed lets see where the time off takes me, so until then keep spreading the disease and watch the skies for incoming, Toodles!

The happiest days of our lives.

My brain has too many thoughts inside, I have too many blogs trying to get out of the tiny space I call a brain, ideas pop up from everywhere!

I have a number of blogs simmering, I’m not sure how they are going to pan out, they all need that little magic ingredient, I walked away to give my brain an opportunity to refresh so to speak, so I thought I would graze or is that glaze over on Farcebook, then somebody posted something and it inspired me in the silliest of ways, so here goes, I know I have touched on this subject all before but hey ho it’s all good.  And yes, the name game is in play!

I cannot believe that we used to whinge about going to school (kids eh what the fuck did we know) it was great we messed about and generally didn’t take life too seriously, well some did but none of my friends, I was still carefree at the time (allegedly) that wasn’t going to last for long though.

9 – 3 everyday, damn I wish I had those hours these days, ok so we occasionally got some homework, I know I played out every night, damn I walked miles to see friends, I’m sure if my mother knew what I was doing, distances not causing trouble…………...well nothing I would own up to in a court of law! These were great times out and about not being cooped in the house the occasional part time job to get some cash (all legal paper rounds still existed) so that I could have some kind of social life, I don’t know how parents do it these with big name brands and equipment like mobiles and the such like!

No weekends, hells bells, once any chores were complete my time was my own, Saturday would be spent bouncing backwards and forwards between shop’s that sold actual records, yes you heard me right records, oh boy was that fun!

Six whole weeks off for summer, no parents to bug us, listening to the music of our choice, walking through the country side, talking to girls, not getting into any trouble (well not getting caught) lazy days and the summers were so much better in those days, or so it seemed!

Easter holidays, another two weeks off, doing more of the same messing about with motorbikes or fishing (I had no fancy for either but I did tag along) nobody hassling us, damn I get tired just thinking how far we would traipse.

Blackberry week, hot damn some hard work, if you got picked that is, standing at Sunleys chip shop, hoping you got picked by the better farmers (not that any of them were as bad as we made out) getting paid at the end of the week, then for me off to the big city to see what records I could buy in HMV or Virgin in the sale section or in the cut out bins.

Bank Holidays weren’t as big a thing back in the day, as they were usually rolled up within the holidays but when the did surface we accepted them gracefully.

Teacher training days, we used to get about one a year, always welcome, I mean us pupils were worked to the bone, I’m sure you all remember how bad it was lol.

I used to get to see my friends every single day, I wasn’t that bad a person (I hope) I like to think that I played fair and square, the same tight knit group who once we left school we separated like dandelion seeds in the summer breeze.

I was going to say that I was living the absolute dream but in truth we all were, yes at times there was drama, nothing life or death and yes we were kids, so it probably felt like the end of the world, I genuinely would love to know how the people  I went to school with, some for over eleven years some for five, what happened to them, I still think its was like yesterday, I don’t think that they do, I see some who have reached out to me have different friends from school then back in the day, I’m too much of a coward to ask how that happened, truth be told I only converse with two people from school what does that tell you, ha maybe I wasn’t as well liked as I perceived back in the day, or did they simply put up with me, I was the care in the community subject!

We all hated it for all the same reasons, more than likely for all the same reasons that this generation does, if only we had realised then, damn we would have stopped and smelled the roses maybe at least once.

What do we have now ……….well work that mill stone that we carry around, debt, medical conditions, death, divorce, loss of friendship so many things, the one thing that they don’t teach you at school (maybe they did/do and we chose to ignore the lesson) is that life is what you make it, once you leave the starship takes and rockets off, so you better have a damn good grip on it, damn where have the last 36 years gone, I’m not being melancholy, it’s a fact, I was talking to the Hurricane earlier  in the week and he was saying how much he hated school and when I said “these are the best days of his life” he openly mocked me at the age of seven, he saw me as a sad old man, who had lost his marbles bless him, roll the dice and see where you land young man and I will remind you  of that particular conversation LOL.

So that’s what happens when I stop writing and join the real world, listen to the words of wisdom from that mad old man , the circle starts again, oh the things I would have warned my younger self about, actually the only one thing I would warn my younger self, make sure you keep contact with friends they usually are the islands of sanity that help you get through this mad insane ride we call life, ah well back to the grind, do you think these blogs write themselves, I will admit to having some fun writing this, it’s not all doom and gloom until the next time, keep spreading the disease, and if you are the friend who posted that deep meaningful post this morning(you know who you are) look what you made me do…….Toodles!

Leave your hat on

I’m going stir crazy this is day four off from work, its also the fourth blog in four days what the actual fuck is going on, ah well deep breath here goes!

I’ve been known to throw my hat into the ring when high profile jobs come along, I applied unsuccessfully for the position of pope (please see the applicable blog) I thought I could have done the job ok I’m not a catholic but surely that’s just a minor point! I get bored easily and I own a hat what else do I need?

I applied to move further up the chain of command at work did I want the job, hell no I just wanted an honest answer from my then area manager, oh and I wanted to put the fear of god into the work shy lazy bastards I used to supervise, there’s some great people on the team however there is one or two lazy people, like Epsom salts I would have got them to work! As it happens the wife took ill so I had to withdraw, which was a shame as I know I could have done the job, would I have been happy I doubt it, I do love the job I have now, but at the moment it weighs heavily on my shoulders and my knees aren’t what they used to be LOL

There was an old chap delivering the local free paper early on in the morning, he walked with a bad limp, I have one of those (from time to time) I could have done that, I didn’t get it, I was devasted, I even had previous experience delivering papers! Unfortunately, not everybody seems to wish to support my applications, I mean I could do the jobs at the head of Disney (I know some right cartoon characters)Amazon (not the river) even Google (as I know some know it all’s as well)thankfully I get bored quite easily ………..oh a butterfly (allegedly) I’m a natural, I’m not sure what I’m not sure what I’m a natural at (answers to FUCKWIT.COM) I’m sure at some point somebody will take the time to point something out to me!

Alternatively I could be become a best selling author (yeah right) I have an idea about a girl called Chastity who after years of troubled relationships she deicide’s simply that to lead a life of Chasity, a bit like two and a half men in reverse……..oh look a butterfly, for some reason I simply cant seem to concentrate. I could apply for the position of  the new el chappo, I reckon I could run a Mexican drug cartel, think of the improvements I could make, proper emergency lighting in the tunnels, omitting one lux of light (that’s the equivalent of moonlight boys and girls) I could ensure that proper manual handling could be carried out, not one person lifting more than 24 KG I mean it’s simply criminal! he should be locked up for not looking after his staff……oh hang on he is, Oooops.

You  may have realised I don’t handle being off very well, it’s simply called the work of idle hands, no money means bored.com , the boo hoo club all of the above, I’m sure that there won’t be a blog on day 5, maybe a coat that ties around the back, cunning plans have come unstuck due to the weather, I’m going outside, I may be some time, at least I still have a hat, until the next time , watch the skies , keep spreading the disease……….Toodles!      

Be good to yourself

I feel as though I am a porn star who has overdosed on Viagra, three blogs in three days………...hang on that might not be the best analogy!

All is calm all is well, I have enjoyed the last few days of writing with gay abandon, no not that kind of gay…. I am not coming out of any closet, honestly, emotions have been kept on an even keel, the last few weeks have been patchy to say the least, but I was building to having an explosion of writing, the intention has been to try and do something slightly different, emotions were always going to come into play because it would appear that they play on my mind a lot, just at the moment they appear to be fine and dandy……………at the moment!

I have tried to analyse how to get in this frame of mind and I honestly cannot nail it down to any one thing, how to stay in a good mood is an even harder thing to try and suss out, a chemical imbalance that follows the whim of its nature, truthfully I am at the best I have been for a while about sixty to forty, that’s not to say that the ship has been righted but it is getting there, I’m sure that’s a good thing. My demons are still there, however the tools I was given in my CBT course have moved me on in leaps and bounds, I have only one bad spark and that was something that couldn’t have been avoided, I didn’t like my response, but hopefully I can learn from it and be a better person because of it.

My moods are ever changing, not simply black or white anymore, there has been many shades of grey, something I can’t quite get my head around, but I shall endeavour to keep trying, purely because I wish to be a better person for my family and friends as a whole. At times I want my monster to come at me full tilt because that’s how strong I feel emotionally, although I am aware that I need to be careful for what I wish for, as the little black cloud usually know when the defenses are at their lowest, but so far so good ……….

Nobody who has mental health issues (and no I am not saying that I do) wishes to be bad, they don’t wish to be out there howling at the moon but sometimes it’s so damn good to go bat shit crazy, if only to wear the monster down, it’s the strangers who haven’t got a clue what an individual is going through, maybe that’s why people so infrequently sit next to me on the plague carrier, maybe I have some kind of invisible aura, I’m not sure, all I know is if I try smiling all the time it scares the living shit out of them or people ask if I need to be burped, more than likely the latter!

There will always I suspect be a darkness within me, a darkness that picks at my skin trying to get to the soft underbelly of me, trying to bring me back to the pit of despair that I have wallowed in enough, it’s time to move on and to be a better person whether that helps me or not, I need the angels in my life the ones that have brought light into a dark soul, and I know that this sounds melodramatic, but without them I would have got worse so much worse, I struggle to like myself at the best of times, without those friends past and present I would have been a lost cause no matter what.

So with friends and family the intention is to get better that cannot be achieved overnight, I know that I have to be good to myself, I know it’s going to be worse before it is better, but I am trying (very I know)as hard as my little black cloud will allow me, I know how much progress I have made, I also know how much more I need to make.

Again, something different from the last two blogs all is calm all is well, trust me in this, cunning plans are abound, hopefully the weather will do one long enough for me and the wife to go and see the Shields posse tomorrow now that will be a blog to behold until then, watch the skies, keep spreading the disease, Toodles!  

Ice melts into water

I have been told that a simple act of forgiveness frees the person affected (that would be me…. allegedly) and helps those doing the forgiving (I’m still not sure that that is me, certainly doesn’t sound like me) from harbouring dark and self-destructive thoughts (what me with my reputation).

I’m not sure if this actually true, there is no guarantee that the actual transgressor will be free of guilt and shame (I tend to think that they usually have no clue what they have done anyway …. selfish people) the person who forgives will ultimately feel so much better themselves (cough splutter…………..bollocks).

In other words, forgiveness makes you feel better (are you sure?) now I’m all for feeling better (not bitter) so I have been getting in touch with my inner chi (how new age of me) I have been chanting (like a hippy) just as I wake up and anytime I drift off during the rest of the day (again me with my reputation).

I visualise all of the people who I imagine who have done me harm and have offered me ill will, and I visualise me sending them hearts and goodwill their way, I wish for them to have a long and fruitful life, you will all be happy to hear that so far it has been working wonderfully, it has been slow like a glacier as the ice melts into water (oooooh I did it again) anger melts into resentment this in turns into indifference, that flows like a river away from me into amusement and then finally it drifts into affection and now my heart and soul is filled with love and forgiveness…………….are you really still following this crap a grudge is for life and not just for Christmas, as Manowar declared my strength is hatred …..black blood runs through my veins.

Now that normal service has resumed, expect the next bus in the next 24 hours I’m in the groove now, until then watch the skies ………….Toodles!

Ain't too proud to beg

You, hey you, yes you, you over there, thank you for taking the time to read this particular blog!

I hope that you will/have enjoy(ed) it, enough for you to read through to the end, and then binge read through the other 363 titles that are here, maybe the title might just take your fancy, go on you know you want to! Damn it, imagine it could just be the thing you need to get over your Game of Thrones addiction.

I also wish to take this opportunity to let you know that I worked really hard (cough splutter) so that none of the usual blackness crept in (hopefully)! It represents my attempt to sincerely dramatize (hopefully with humor and not with sarcasm) within the confines of a short blog that I can do something other than bile (here’s hoping).

Now whether I have succeeded is up to you the discerning reader, there can be no question that I haven’t given my all (as if I would dare to not) as always I have given my all, as I always do I have given 198% (yes I know that its mathematically impossible, however I am trying to prove a point, please try and keep up dear lord have not read any of the other blogs and if you haven’t ……why not?) to anybody who thinks that I have indeed fallen below the very high standard that I set myself (cough splutter I really should get this damn cough looked at) rest assured that your mockery as always will be ignored, however do not panic as always I doubt whatever I put down on paper (yes I am still old school doing all my prep work long hand and in spider script) so no doubt the huge levels of scorn I will pour upon myself shall suffice!

If, however you have some helpful hints to give me please feel free to send all suggestion’s care of the usual web page FUCKWIT.COM, I’m sure that nobody will attempt to read anything that you post there! Or if you still have a great desire to post anything on any other part of the internet that you wish to express yourself, this is my spot so JOG ON!

Keep in mind I write (as always) in code (and for good reason) don’t publish my real name, location, planet etc, in fear of a repeat infestation of the R kind (if you have the previous blogs you will get the reference, that’s right go on read the previous 363).

Now for those of you who think I’m doing OK, well prepare yourself for some grade A brown nosing “I love you all” I’ve probably always loved you, I was simply too proud to beg (hey I got the title in there as well) for your approval (I’m an artist darling) now please feel free to stay in touch, well not in the flesh, on the interwebby thingy majig! That would be simply be divine.

I told you I was going to try something different, you should see my scribble, I mean my notes for this, I will post the next load of waffle, I mean blog when the numbers for this one drops off, which could be as early as the morning LOL well until then ………….Toodles!

Hypertension

So, it was going so smoothly and then life and the world bit me in the ass, most people were affected by the weather in the UK so don’t panic it’s not my intention to write 8000 words on snow, I could, but I really would like to keep the readership that I have.

I have no intention about writing about work either, it’s been as tedious as it always is (same shit different day) again, I could but I’m sick of writing bile, there has been an annoying trend of the blogs being well I already said it (I think so, but what do I know) they are becoming tedious.

I would love to write about the raging social life that the wife and me have, unfortunately  we have signed strict non-disclosure agreements with the victims (ok that means we don’t have a social life) or I could go historical on your ass, but I’m not really in the mood (read the previous blogs I already explained this one, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have some cracking historical ones in me) I want to do something different, I know I haven’t posted anything in the last fortnight or so, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been writing, far from it but my Spidey senses aren’t tingling with anything yet, so some of it just needs to be polished slightly, and before anybody says anything I know that just sounds so wrong.

The last blog is still crawling over broken glass, it’s still being read on a regular basis but the numbers aren’t great, but they ain’t crap either. I know I have to get something out (this would be it) because I intend to have a better year than I had last year, in a blog kind of way. So, I think what I intend to do over the next week or so is to hit you lot with some short little forays into anything different that I have, just to get back on track. I have some kernels that will to be put on the hot plate so that they can “POP” into life.

So, don’t panic there’s been no drama, well there has, but it’s mainly been weather related and I really do have no intention of relaying all that crap, I am patiently awaiting my new grandson to show his face so that might crop up in forthcoming blogs. But all I will say is that I have been listening to some great music (the new Judas Priest album is awesome) it’s been the music that has been dragging this sorry arse towards good times.

My health has been decidedly shit, and although I am trying as hard as I possibly can it’s been a ghastly nightmare, it doesn’t appear to be getting any better, so consequently it has been an uphill battle, definitely one for another blog and one purely based on my health (warning that could be a bit gruesome as I’m due to beaten about the head shoulders by two stern nurses in the next week or so) so finish reading this one, spread the disease and then watch to the skies because over the next week and a bit there is the potential (depending of the readership numbers) on three or four back to back, yes the name game will be in play (as indeed it is today) and all of the other goodies will be there for your enjoyment, so until then ………..Toodles.