Symptom of the Universe.

This blog has been deleted and rewritten so many times over the last fortnight, undergoing different titles and different themes, I can’t deny one thing that “Bob” is back with a vengeance.

I also can’t deny that my wife has been my number one concern for the last couple of weeks, her needs have far outweighed mine and my concern was justified as she went through a number of lows with very few highs, she has done well since the loss of our fur baby, but the heartbreak isn’t even trying to hide its right there on the surface like a scab, its just daring you to pull it. We have had a few diversions including a lovely evening out in Newcastle (our first in nearly two years )with likeminded adults and I thought the cloud was going in the right direction, however I neglected my own well being and sleepless nights were creeping in and I was trying my best (and failing) to ignore them, I need to deal with these issues as they arise because if I don’t, well lets just say they have a tendency to spiral.

The wife has had bad moments of health and although she is in regular contact with the doctor it seems to be causing as many issues as resolving them, its not nice to see her punch drunk from the “cure” as well all that ails her, I continue with my imposter syndrome and all the while I failed to notice all the things that were starting to drag me down, I had been lethargic with literally no get up and go, my number one symptom is having no interest in music, simply travelling to work in a haze of negativity, salvation in the shape of two fully loaded MP3 players on my knee in my bag, but I simply choose to fester in all of my negativity and to gaze out of the windows of the bus but not focusing on reality.

I sit and sneer at the world and the people in it, thinking negative thoughts and when I realise that I am doing that my fall is complete and Bob wins out, and with the savaging that entails, my PTSD takes over, thankfully I still use the exercises that I was taught, but this fresh assault on my senses are so ferocious I am knocked to my knees and everything else piles in. before anybody thinks this is a woe is me blog, it’s not I don’t care what anybody things I am using this simply as a line of defence, I hate feeling like this but its in my hands to resolve. I will not be beaten I will fight back, I naively thought the course of CBT I did was like a magic wand that would wave all of my issues (yeah right) away.

And then we get to a week’s holiday and with many cunning plans, all the while I was going to knock the stuffing and complete all of my wishes, all the while “Bob” is picking them off one by one, although I have done stuff over the week and thankfully my grand kids have been the saviour of my sanity this week, even though the little darlings have had their challenging moments, its been a welcome distraction as I help them to come to terms that adults don’t know everything, although my sleeping patterns have been destroyed this week, I have been able to focus on the kids instead of some of my more worrying traits, again although I received over 400 albums at the start of the week I haven’t even looked at them as opposed to play any of them, that in itself is worrying. “Bob” has been  in my waking thoughts all day everyday for the last couple of weeks and the analogy is not lost on me that that we lost our fur baby my “mind” baby has savaged me relentlessly.

My own health issues haven’t exactly helped with my third round of the same tests finally being resolved, and the Dr again trying to get me to say “no I’m fine lets just leave it at that” as has happened previously, I think I annoyed him when I said I wanted to see a specialist, who then insisted that I complete yet another test (which was negative before) before he would add me to his list, well it was negative again and I see the specialist or at least a member of his team on Christmas eve, Merry Christmas lets shove a camera up your hoop, yeah I know I hope I spoiled somebody’s breakfast! So, I have to drag my sorry arse across the finish line, I hate Christmas Eve at the best of times, yes for my own personal reasons, you can imagine how happy this one will be.

Although there seems to be blackness in my every waking moment (no I have no intention of self-harming myself) I find myself in a negative space all the while, even though I try my best for everybody else, its almost like I’m baiting “Bob” to do his worst, I don’t seem to care what damage he  inflicts upon my person, I feel as though I need the pain to punish myself for god knows what? This has been the longest period of “Darkness” I have experienced in such a long time and although I’m not beaten, I know I’m on my knees, I need to give my head a shake and I need to get back up, the only person who can do it is me, if you see me in the street please know I am  trying my best and I am literally taking it one day at a time.

The last blog was done purely as a way of venting what I was feeling, the fact the wife was suffering and I was so unable to help definitely had a knock on effect, a lot of nice comments has helped, however two individuals who relished in poking at my scabs have since been barred, another reason comments are set to private, I do read them all, however I rarely take them to heart anymore, the fact that this blog has been written deleted and rewritten over a dozen times in the last fortnight should tell you where my head is at the moment, trust me it was a lot bleaker in the first few drafts, because I have withdrawn into my own cocoon, I know it’s a self-destructive thing to do.

I had an episode out in the street yesterday that I simply couldn’t avert, and the wife thought I was simply being stroppy, I wasn’t I was dealing with the biggest cluster fuck of the last the three years, hopefully now that it has passed I can begin the steady climb to be a normal person again (whatever a normal person looks like) my cunning plans will be left in the ruins of the last month or so, I need to pull myself together one day at a time.

Not the blog I was expecting but it’s the one I need to post simply to stop myself from festering, I should have realised that my blogging has been an outlet to keep myself on an even keel so maybe just maybe I will write a little bit more, the numbers can be what they are for once I’m not bothered I’m writing this purely as a salve to help rid myself of all the bile that affects me and those in my close proximity, I intend to spend the last couple of days of my leave trying to do what normal people do, I might not interact as much as normal people do but my intentions are true, hopefully that’s a step in the right direction.

So enough waffle there is lots of music and believe me there are lots of new and old stuff to listen to, this is what it is, hopefully (and its always my intention to write a happy blog, not many people believe me but I swear I do) the next one will hopefully groove to a better place so until then, watch the skies for a new missive in the shape of a blog, keep spreading this disease, so stay safe and stay alive, until the next time……..Toodles!

Sorrow.

This is not the intended blog.

 

This is not a happy blog.

 

This is a moment in time I simply didn’t wish had happened,

Last night my heart broke for a second time this week as I heard my wife sob uncontrollably, it’s a sound I had hoped I would never ever hear again, yet this week I have heard it twice!

We lost our fur baby this week something totally unexpected as he was only 7 years old.

I was full of pity for myself at the start of the week as it seemed as if yet again I was letting my life spiral out of control, my health issues were starting to kick my ass, I was also full of doubt as I was out of control with imposter syndrome, I was still coming to terms with my new job, if I’m honest I’m still in shell shock about leaving my last job, but that’s not what this was all about!

The week started as it normally does but I was unhappy and music was simply not helping, that in itself was a bad sign as if music can’t help then I’m screwed. I had been told that I had to (for the third time) start all over again with my health issues and to be honest I am as low as I can get with this matter again a blog for another time.

Tuesday was more of the same except I was home earlier than anticipated and the grand kids arrived, I was happy to see them as they do always lift my spirits, the hound was happy to see them as well as it means he can be full of beans, as I’m sure he thought he was the same as them (when he is not thinking that he was a horse) much Hijinx ensued and a fun time was had by all, they soon departed, and we settled into our nightly routine, our fur baby did his usual thing and kept popping his head into the living room to check on us or if someone was in the  kitchen he was there sitting behind you,  hoping for a treat!

Our youngest came home after a long day, and she was met by the usual greeting and she disappeared upstairs for a long soak after an even longer shift, she came down after just as we were sorting ourselves out to go to bed and she said that she would sort out the hound, it was at this point that it all went sideways! There was something wrong he was simply lying on the cold floor towards the back door, no movement, no breathing eyes open and oh so still, this was the first time that the wife’s heart broke this week.

You see she loved the dog more than anything, I have no issue with this it makes her happy, but the sound of her wailing was soul destroying, we sorted everything out made him comfortable, as he could be in this situation, I couldn’t leave him in the dark and turned on his night light one final time. I knew it was going to be a  long night, unfortunately I had to go to work the next day as I had made my mouth go and simply couldn’t get out of it, in a way I was glad as my eldest turned up to offer her help and her heart was destroyed, I’m glad I wasn’t here for that, all the things that had to be done was, and my eldest picked me up from work as she didn’t want me to be alone on the bus, when did she grow up, it was a very subdued house I returned to.

 

We floated around in a haze moving from room to room as and when we needed to, if ever there was a cunning plan needed this was the time! The wife had arranged for his cremation and I was happy with whatever she wanted, if she had wanted a post mortem (he was healthy and only 7 years old for god’s sake) I would have gladly paid for it, although I had put my issues on the back burner, I was now eating shite for England, and no it wasn’t helping!

Friday came and was so slow, we started turning the house around clearing his cages, bedding, toys al the things you buy in the hope you can make him a little bit happier. The crematorium rang to say that he could be collected and with heavy hearts we went and brought him home, I sent the wife to bed for some rest and for the second time week I heard her sob uncontrollably upstairs, again my heart broke, just a little bit more.

I am and always have been a bit of a cold fish to death, I’m not going to justify why here, just let’s say that that particular wall came down this week, I never ever want to hear my wife cry like that again, I’m not sure I could take that again. I was never a pet person but the wife was, I didn’t mind pets, but I had never had one, damn I find it hard enough to look after myself, never mind something that was going to rely on me, the wife had a cat when we met and he was a typical cat, totally indifferent to most things other than food but we got on, we soon ended up with a couple of dogs small and large, and when they went I didn’t like the feelings that were dredged up and I certainly didn’t like to see the wife so upset, we agreed to leave it a year simply so that we had time to ourselves but around six months later the hound arrived, I wasn’t happy!

There was nothing wrong with him, he was loveable, damn he was loveable, but I had to keep my gruff exterior, but I just remembered how distressed the wife was and what we had discussed, but things moved on we got on great, he would sit at my feet when we were alone together we got on great, then this happened, I honestly thought he was going to outlive me, I wish he had, I never ever wish to hear the wife in that state again, I probably will, but I don’t want to, so again we have agreed no more pets its is too emotionally distressing and I simply don’t wish to replace our fur baby, I miss him, there I said it, go figure, me a pet person, but we are all devastated, no more and this time I mean it.

Kodi has pride of place and when I came downstairs this morning, I said hello to him, I wasn’t able to give him his daily treat or be beaten to death by his bloody tail, damn that was a weapon of mass destruction, it seems so strange and empty without him here in a physical form, now its time to rebuild the bonds we have as a family and not to forget him, my issues are simply that and I will get on with it, I simply want the wife to be in a better place, me I’m a cold fish but I miss my fur baby!

These seem to be monthly these days and the blog I intended will not appear anytime soon, it was me being a pain, I realise there is more to life than just me, somebody read 117 blogs in one day , hopefully someone enjoyed the misery, it seems that’s what I write about, that was never the intention! so until the next time take care, stay alive ……Toodles!