Friday 30 December 2011

A Human Stain

This is the end OK so its just the end of the year so lets at least try and go out with a bang!

 I have been such a busy bee not so sure that the wife is so happy with me but I have been really good but again as always I'm getting ahead of myself let me explain....

As per we were doing our good deed and we had the grandson and boy was he a handful, nothing malicious just an eleven month old full of beans he even woke me up through the night and that is nearly impossible (or at least that is what the wife reckons) but he was full of something and wasn't a happy camper so kicked and screamed the night away and the wife used all the tricks in her armoury and in the end we won (as if there was going to be any other kind of outcome) but because I was awake I got up as though it was a work and I did some reading (somebody's else's book not one of mine for a change) and generally kicked back and chilled until everybody else woke up a couple of hours later, we had a small breakfast and the wife took junior back to his mother and low and behold he was out like a light in the back of the car, I knuckled down to do some transcribing as I had discovered quite by chance a small portion of my original blogs from the original site (god they were.....uninspiring) but as a historical document to see how I have progressed as a writer (trust me after reading them i have progressed hahaha)they were quite interesting, I got on with the job in hand and I intend to publish them with the blogs from the blog I started after I deleted the original page, the book is to be called Conversations with Rollo and although its 99% complete I want to do a chapter at the end to round it all off, hopefully it should be published in April of the next year.

While I was at the quacks the wife had elected to go to my place of work and do a bit of last minute shopping and because of the traffic(hello it is the busiest week in the year)she rang me to complain grrr for fecks sake she can park in the service yards and yet still she complains (you guys have no idea of what abuse I have to put up with).

I was heading off for my annual MOT for the old body clock and it wasn't too bad I was told I had put some weight back on and it was expected (although nowhere near as much as I thought) so the main plan in the new year is to get healthier than I was last year (which because of my knees shouldn't be too hard) and to be a skinnier type of person, I hate going into the doctors as its like a casting call for the next season of the walking dead full of weird and not so wonderful people and a smattering of junkies who stand out like a junkie does I have the cure give them the purest form of whatever is their poison and hopefully it will kill them all of oops sorry I seem to have developed my wife's inside/outside voice trait.

I do have to admit to being ever so nostalgic reading the old blogs and this was before the Tee Hee Club had been named and shamed ah just call me sentimental (not dim twat like the wife does hahahaha) today is the wife's birthday and as usual we have nothing planned except a few chores (which we have done) we intended to run silent and to run deep but that wasn't to be, the wife was suffering last night night The previous night catching up on her so she trundled off to bed and me at a loose end and having no intention of heading to bed at the same time I ended up watching 6 back to back episodes of Broadwalk Empire which was cracking right up until the end (I didn't see that coming) and just as I was going to bed the Godfather part 2 was on (just when I try to get to bed the TV drags me back in hahahaha) only for the wife to wander downstairs at just after 2 AM to see if I had died (I'm worth more to her dead than alive) I shooed her back to bed and went with her. Her arm was still playing up she has been through the wars this last year hopefully this next one will be better for her.

As we were going about our chores the wife does her second most annoying thing "lets go out tonight for my birthday" fuck no she started doing this on Millenuim eve if she wants to go out organise it in advance to bitch and moan its not my fault that you were born between Christmas and new year all the bloody time 6 months of her saying that she doesn't want to go out and then 6 hours before bitch moan and twist, thankfully E came through with plans for news years eve but I reckon she will twist all the way to fecking midnight, we did our deeds going to the post office and the such like and while the wife was in line at Barclay's I sat down in one of the chairs(my knees although getting better still knack and will do until I start shifting some weight) all the while noticing an ominous stain in the chair next to me (shudder) we came out and did the usual to check that the robbing bastards had indeed deposited our money (one time it took three days from them doing it, cash mind you three days the robbing bastards) the guy in front kept getting told by the machine "you have reached your limit" it was funny watching the dumb ass go from ATM to ATM and being told the same message (isn't technology great) what a knob.

On the way back I was tempted by a great deal for a new laptop this one is tired after having nearly four years worth of abuse and the memory is tiny as I said I was tempted I haven't succumbed(yet) but so far I have been a good boy if the wife keeps winding me up you never know hahahahaha we popped in for something for a little light lunch because at the moment there's a small fecking ostrich in the oven (the wife's bargain bird) and as we came home we saw (sarcasm alert sarcasm alert) all these gorgeous young things in skimpy clothes done up like hamsters that had never been anywhere near an exercise wheel oops sorry couldn't resist and that is that for this year, hopefully next year the blogs will again become witty and urbane (they never have done before so why spoil the habit of a lifetime) and I have to admit although numbers are consistent they are nowhere near what the old blog was doing so, I have to rectify that, I'm sure it;'s do able, thank you for the kind comments its funny how people email me so I can only assume that they are from the old blog and are aware of the old redneck infestation, play nice and please spread the word the next book Foxtrot Oscar (with 100% all new material in it) will be ready in the new year, so with that I'm off to check the bloody ostrich Toodles!

Tuesday 27 December 2011

Bright idea

Wow what a week so far I have been left alone and have wrote so much the new book is nearly done I reckon two more good chapters and its hot to trot and I have to admit I'm trying to reign in my wild extreme thoughts and I'm going to stick at six yes you heard right  six ideas for books including a photo log book which will only be available to members of The Tee Hee Club and hopefully all published in the next 18 months, hopefully i won't offend to many people (like i give a.....actually i just might) i have had a great time in the last twelve weeks writing my little cotton socks off and hopefully the blogs will return to a better standard once i can get the first book out because the next one after that needs some attention (it's feeling left out at the moment and is sulking on a memory stick somewhere) but the good news is I completed a chapter and other bits and pieces for Foxtrot Oscar and completed a chapter for Piffle Waffle & Balderdash the one after and got started on the photo log book so yes I have been a busy little bee.

 I feel a tad guilty that the blogs on here are not up to the standard that I normally do but there is only so much time in a day that I can work on my little ideas and then I have to polish them to a nugget (hey who knew you can indeed polish a turd) believe it or not these aren't just fired off the hip (what do you mean they might be better if they were hahahaha)but there is light at the end of the tunnel and its not an oncoming train(for once)

what do I intend to do tonight and tomorrow well I have every intention of doing as much writing as possible then to polish what I do because when I go back to work I might only be able to blog at weekends because I have so much worked stacked up it's unbelievable, but hey ho those are the breaks when you are off for nearly 4 months and nobody to do your work it sort of comes to a grinding halt sooner rather than later, so onwards and upwards watch the skies the difficult second (album) book is very nearly complete and I hope to have done and dusted  and in your grubby little mitts as soon as I possibly can so until the next time Toodles!

......whose bright idea was it to set me off with the writing bug i ought to give a big girly kiss.....OI Harrison come here you big Galoot!

Saturday 24 December 2011

A hard habit to break

Thank feck the day I hate in the whole year is just about over and I can stop being a fecking grinch, yesterday didn't start well we were told that the big computer had the blue screen of death so that's not good I don't think, I chilled last night and enjoyed the princess bride (a kids film but still good)the wife turned up late again (again no surprise there) but thankfully no major drama, mind you we have the full weekend ahead of us, I had spent all day reading and writing, then rereading and rewriting, basically having fun but as I keep saying I don't want to over think stuff keep it on the simmer and not let my paranoia set in.

I settled in to wait for the wife to appear so I watched some Morecambe and Wise, well its Christmas you have to don't you and I laughed at how simple the majority of it was not malicious in any way, I sat and enjoyed it but try getting the youth of today to watch well they just don't understand ( I should just smash their face in hahahaha) when the wife finally turned up we chilled did a few odd jobs and yet again ended up going to bed LATE.

Surprise I was first up not that I minded, today is without a doubt my most hated day (I mentioned this didn't I hahahaha) we got sorted and the wife went about her tasks and I set off to find some regular light bulbs not the shite that everybody is selling (and the main reason why opticians are doing a roaring trade) it's like being in a 17th century tavern on most nights anyway, I never found any so I had to task the wife to do the deed so I could get on with putting the house back to some form of shape for the big day tomorrow and although the day dragged as it always does I managed to do most of the stuff that was required (without playing the cripples card).

The wife managed to get a great deal on a last minute turkey which although is not going to be used tomorrow (later on in the week I think) the house filled up and the youngest came back and it was heart warming listening to her laughter fill the house I wasn't the grinch that I normally have been, the wife is still poorly but I am taking care of her so she can have a bit of a rest. Now I know I hate today but I do enjoy the day itself I get to cook the dinner and have fun then it will be over for another year maybe next year I might even break into a grimace..oooh no that will be wind so anyway I hope you all get what you deserve whatever that should be I will see you all on the other side Toodles!

Friday 23 December 2011

Bad Intention

Here it comes down the track the time of year I hate is fast approaching with all the false sentiment and the making of the merry (which basically means lets get pissed ...and I'm not adverse to that ) but the most hated day of the year for me and I have my reasons is Christmas eve and I get worse every year, I suppose I'll be OK once I die (there's some Christmas cheer for you)   writing has been good after the calamity that was last week the motorbike helmet is off and the wall is down and I rewrote the 8000 words OK so it was too about 7000 but i got rid of the piffle and just left meat on the bone (I hope) I was also fortunate and found enough old blogs from the original site to do about three quarters of yet another book (I know I should get my finger out and complete at least one instead of having five projects on the go) but again the sea of possibilities helps and I have to admit to like having the plates spinning at the same time, I'm hoping that the quality doesn't suffer, but I do honestly hope to have book number two with 100% all new material hot to trot by the end of next month (everything crossed).

With work now finished (apart from checking emails and taking a few incoming phone calls ) I intend to knuckle down and write lots over Christmas some of the small jobs I wanted done at home are being ticked off and apart from world war three being averted the painting is just about complete, you would think that after twenty years together the wife would understand how my mind (OK that's pushing I know I'm a man I don't have a mind) you would think that she could see the signs that I'm a right misery until Christmas morning and then I enjoy it, keep poking me with the stick and I will go off like a bear with a sore head.

On Sunday we enjoyed what was tentatively the last Tee Hee Club Bash of the year we did a good deed and then headed to our local in South Shields and had a wonderful night with good friends some nice drinkie poo's and some grub, we came we saw we laughed our asses off, there was even several doses of pixie dust, see I can enjoy myself when needs be(lets just dispense with the Ho Ho Ho crap). we came home kicked back and sort of chilled

Tuesday was the day I was dreading and again purely because work has become so bloody political it was the works Christmas do, again good fun if you like the time of year but because of what's gone on in our department lately we were expected to attend (at least we the management team had to) and lets be honest I have to put up with the shit and you have to smile enjoy yourself and generally do things that I don't like to do, at least I wasn't sat on the table of the damned the company was pleasant and the meal OK, Wow what a surprise chicken hahaha I endured the meal and as soon as the DJ started thankfully my lift wanted to go home (woo hoo result) got home safe and sound and only got a small glare off the wife (how dare you go out and actually have fun ...this has to stop) then off to bed because the next day was the biggie as far as I was concerned.

We awoke full of good intentions there was painting to be done but we weren't up too early (for once for fecks sake I am on holiday) we had a lazy breakfast but then the demon box was put on to feed the wife's addiction and just starting was it's a wonderful life, so we watched it and then set about doing what we were meant to do ...PAINT!
this in itself turned into a comedy of errors which soon escalated into the aforementioned world war three, but after much shouting and pointing of sticks (from both sides) we knuckled down and cracked on with the job in hand although I was a brave little soldier (warning cripple card being played) I think my days of climbing ladders are well and truly over I have said it before and I feel the need to say it again if I was a pet I would expect my owners to have me (humanly) put to sleep.

Yesterday was a funny day lots of plans that didn't take off and a long day in the house by myself proof reading everything that i have wrote so far for all the books and thankfully I didn't delete anything but I know I need to get my finger out and to get Foxtrot Oscar completed so I shall be writing everyday now until the deed is done.

Today is a funny sort of day as I'm trying to find out exactly what is going on at work (I should really be there) as this is make or break time or so we are lead to believe,I just want to know what's happening without any of the bullshit that comes with it, so now I have to type furiously so that this isn't the last blog before the new year no doubt there will be a few skirmishes to type up before that dubious honour as I type this I'm waiting for sleeping beauty to haul ass so we can get on with the cunning plans and the spinning of those many plates, so until the next time have fun and if you can't have fun tell somebody who gives a sh*t!...Toodles.

Saturday 17 December 2011

Digging Deep

As much as I love writing this week has been a bit like running into a bloody brick wall I did the last blog on the gallop then sat down and wrote over 8000 words over two chapters for the book only to take an artistic strop and delete the fecker (D'oh!) and since then every time I sit to write nothing comes, this is a strange feeling and I have to admit I'm not loving it at the moment.

Work is over for the year (OK so I'm still checking email and I brought some home) but I know when I go back it will be heads down and arses up with over 20 inspections over the course of 4 days with the last day for training for the first 12 weeks with lots of other stuff getting sent my way so I might not be very popular when I go back the Mrs might not see me for a large period of time (surely that's not a bad thing for her)for the next 12 weeks when I go back.

There are strange plans and loads of conspiracies afoot at work all of which I intend to steer clear of I intend to do what I always do and that's go to work do my job and go home, there is so much going on if you get dragged into the maelstrom and dragged down with it I have too much shit going on too worry about the small details of people and their own gunpowder plot. I have plenty of small jobs and one massive one which i have nearly three weeks to complete I'm not taking any bets as too what gets done and what doesn't and with that I'm going to scratch my head and try and rewrite those two bloody chapters until the next time Toodles! 

Monday 12 December 2011

The Patagonia Express

Well that was wilder than "Mr Toads wild ride" we have had an excellent weekend admittedly I'm hoping I can grow a bit  more Liver because I'm running out of organs to pay for any more excursions but what the hell you only live once so here we go...

We arrived at the Prancing Pony hot to trot and we didn't hang about we yomped straight into town to start  our journey on the way to the Metro it was explained to me that G was wearing many layers in fact so many layers it seems that G has been sponsored by a firm called Patagonia although they are only paying him in pixxy dust we were to have much fun at his expense, we arrived in Newcastle and set about gathering provisions mainly from the Geordie Embassy (Greggs to those who don't know) the wife was being held down by an extremely heavy chain because she was heading for the stratosphere this was going to get bumpy, there was an abundance of Japanese people on the train who were intent in asking G a lot of questions and when  that didn't work then they spent the rest of the trip to Glasgow standing (they mustn't have paid to sit) I was attacked by the trolley dolly (in a nice way) we munched our way through an entire bag of Rowntree Wine pastilles and I have to admit we were all a tad disappointed we also started playing camper van which on a speeding train is a tad difficult and there was much playing with a muff but there was concern as to whether it was fluffy or hairy we decided on fluffy (well actually I was threatened with violence so fluffy it is!).

We arrived in Glasgow and got to the hotel which was lovely but they wanted a billion pound for everything(OK so a slight exaggeration)   no free WI Fi which is why I have waited to get home before doing this blog there wasn't even any biscuits (tight bastards) we found a spoons close to the hotel even though there was a hole as big as the grand canyon outside in the main road and when ever we were in there we waited for cars to disappear into it, one thing that I did notice was that Scotland is like China every fecker smokes very few didn't it was like going back in time , we walked to the gig and I have to admit I find Steel Panther OK I thought the joke had worn thin on the second album but live they were entertaining and even the wife who hates them (sort of) enjoyed it Motley Crue again although not  huge fan  I really did enjoy the show and we ran away after that back to the local spoons had a few night caps and hit the hay, at this point I was starting to suffer because of the walking although I slowed everybody down I wasn't too bad it was the standing still that got me.

The next day we hit the road and after getting breakfast at (you guessed it) spoon's a slight glitch with a cold breakfast we were gob smacked to discover we couldn't buy alcohol .....IN SCOTLAND actually we could buy it on the street so guess what we did? we headed to the train station and bumped into Steel Panther without  the wigs or the attitude and me and G laughed at how my good lady wife changed her tune and thought they were great (hypocrite hahahaha) we jumped on the train and revenge was had by the others who took a photograph as I drooled while asleep (I have a long memory boys and girls hahahaha) there was much fluffing of the muff we arrived back at the Prancing Pony we even had a visit from Santa (ho ho ho) Me and G retreated to the Brit so that the girls could enjoy the X Factor s***   I mean final, we jumped into bed ready for another early morning call this rock n roll lifestyle was hectic.

I was struggling at this point and was borrowing (ahem) my wife's painkillers, we did a repeat journey to Newcastle and the wife had a major meltdown in which I was going to beat her to death with a train but she took a breath and calmed down thankfully otherwise I would be blogging from Durham Prison we travelled to Manchester by train and I was annoyed by a nugget sat next to us who if I had been a naughty person I could have wrote down his bank details and had a whale of a time some people are just dumb. We arrived In a wet Manchester so G put his Kagool on we then had a quick walk to the hotel which wasn't far we got ready and as we were going out for something to eat the rest of the gang turned up we arranged to meet them at the venue and we headed out, we ate we got to the venue started watching the gig which was more of the same in a much bigger venue and then we or rather I had an altercation with a sheep shagger .....sorry I meant a welsh person, said person was ignored and then we again left before Def Leppard came on,we hit a few pubs and headed for a kebab the wife needed the facilities so we split to the hotel while the others got something to eat as we headed down the street back to the kebab shop we saw somebody running up the street who really did need to get to a toilet quick hahahaha (I believe the word mincing was used to describe his walking style) we got our food and I headed to the mincers room to eat mine and generally chill and when the guys headed to the bar I dived out and hit the hay I needed more painkillers and my bed.

we awoke and headed for breakfast and annoyed people when we wouldn't wait in line for shit we didn't want headed back to spoons for a second breakfast on the way to the station and chilled on the way back with 4 of us sat in cattle class and SMOR up in first class he did dance his ass all the way down to see us which was fun and in reality just as soon as it had started it was over.....aaaaaah!

Now I know this is actually only about 3% of what happened and I know I took notes all weekend and to do justice to the entire weekend is going to take more time than I have tonight and I did promise peeps that I would post something tonight but hey I have to keep something good for the book and I intend to get about 2 chapters out of this weekend so I hope you enjoyed the taster but wait until the next book is done and the real and  full unabridged version of the weekend  will make Motley Crue's The Dirt look like a Sunday School book, please don't hate me but time has spun away from me and I need to head to my bed as I have 3 heavy days at work and I need to be up at about 4.30 in the morning what I would like to say is that I have had even with the few glitches had one of the best experiences of my life thank you to everybody who made it be all that it was and until the next time Toodles!

Thursday 8 December 2011

Let the madness begin

OK here's the skinny its the night before we have a weekend of lunacy with the Potato Liberation Army (keep up kiddies there's a test at the end) we're off to see Motley Crue in Glasgow tomorrow and Manchester on Sunday with a pit stop at the Prancing Pony (the new name of the Hotel Jagermeister) in between. Of course it wouldn't be a trip away with out a bit of drama the so the wife fell this morning (just for the hell of it) so is battered and bruised (no not me I'm a good boy I am) and of course the Kraken has kicked off god forbid her daughter should have some  fun in her life, but I digress we have just had supper and so are gearing up to assault the suitcases and get base camp set up, we will just go with the flow(well I be will she will be the usual lunatic) get sorted and then get up at the crack of dawn (actually a lie in for me) and set off no doubt we will be half way there and then realise that we will have forgotten something (no surprise there then) but the intention is too have as much fun as possible in a weekend will I blog about it? you bet I will! so keep the hatches battened down have fun and be safe and watch the skies.....incoming!.... but for now Toodles!