Dreaming.

Praise the lord I thought I was still in a downward spiral, thankfully my head has been given a bloody good shake (thanks Dr Vodka).

Life as a whole has been freaking me out, the new normal, I don’t bloody think so, how the family have been putting up with me I have no idea, thankfully my sleep pattern hasn’t been too disturbed, well I say that, but I have been dreaming (hence the blogs title and yes the name game is in play) so vividly, I have mentioned this previously, I am not used to this vivid multi coloured kind  of distraction, places that are so familiar but just so altered, things that have kind of happened, with a different outcome, but then people who I don’t know twisting it into a different reality!

They are so vivid but fade so fast, then there is a fog of confusion for the rest of the morning as I try and piece them back together, with little or no success, this then leaves me bewildered, the fact that I have so much time on my hands through the day I think  is adding to the problem, what the hell do I know I’m the victim to all of these dreams, as I have mentioned before I hadn’t dreamt in over 30 years now everything seems to be on x6 on the Sky TV remote, it’s not helping, they aren’t sex dreams or even violent just, yeah I have no idea, people who I haven’t seen since I left school, well lets just say a long time!

It hasn’t been  helping me or my general demeanour, I do try to be a happy camper (I know me with my reputation) but they are so intense and real, I relived the same nightmare (24 hours a day) for that 30 years and although that is not that far from the surface, I have the tools to deal with that, well in a simplistic kind of way!  I simply do not know how to get a handle on the emotions that they generate! I was starting to feel like a prisoner, not wanting to go bed, actually because of the lock down, I didn’t have to go to bed, so I avoided it and it simply made it worse, I then realised that what I was missing was actual human contact, not necessarily people who I knew (although I do miss my friends) just some interaction with others, I need to go outside, you know where other people are, now why I didn’t think of that before, this time around I hadn’t even gone into the yard to do my exercise, I stayed in the house, my human battery needed to be recharged, thankfully my grandson give me the push I needed insisting that we go for a walk on each of the days that he was here!   

I had noticed I was also becoming superstitious, simple things I was avoiding, this wasn’t normal (for me) is this the beginning of me losing my mind (what little I have left)  I needed to shake my head (quite a lot) I realised the dread once a year day was fast approaching and I have fallen back into old habits of not celebrating the day, in fact coming to resist it, as its simply another day closer to death (isn’t every day) I was up early and put all of my dreams out of my head I got ready and left the house, a small walk to the bank (I hate not having ready cash in my pocket even just a fiver) then some shopping, well food shopping nothing for me …..kind of…. I spoilt myself with a couple of pork specials (if you know Gimpsville you will know what I am on about) they were simply divine! Straight home then dragged the slow cooker out to make the tea (I know it was barely 09.00 but I like to be prepared) I was in a much better frame of mind, go figure!

The day progressed and I went with the flow, a few issues with technology, but I got over the hurdle and kept going forward, as the night went on I decided it was time to have that drink I had been promising myself, oh dear I bottle of vodka later and a load of music from YouTube (sorry to anybody who I know on Farcebook) I went to bed a happy camper, and I didn’t dream at all, it was bliss, I got up the next day refreshed and feeling good no hangover, I knew that I had to crack on, the rest of the weekend has been me formulating future cunning plans, playing lots of music trying to get the title of this blog out of my mind, it’s the earworm of the week, and its not a band I would normally listen to! back to work soon and I can’t wait, I’m not looking forward to going back to the crap that I have to do but I have so missed people, little do they know that one or two of them actually do help this grumpy old git!

So again another step towards the end of this era, something that has also been prying in my mind if the truth be told, the next couple of blogs will be happy and historical, that’s a promise, one I intend to keep, honestly I have a reputation to keep up, some people have gone AWOL in the last couple of months (and are missed) but numbers are pretty consistent as is the reading of old blogs, I have given up trying to work out why, so watch the skies for incoming, I have turned the corner and have shaken this dumb asses head, so onwards, thanks for all of your kind words, life is shit so what, onwards, again if you want to ask a question for the last “Now Hear This” get it in because I will be compiling it in the next two weeks as it stands I have 120 questions some are simple variations of previous “Now Hear This” blogs so if you have a burning question you never know it might just get in there, so watch the skies, until the next time……Toodles!

Sunshine on a Rainy Day.

I know it’s a one hit wonder (but it helps the name game into the home stretch) but it kind of is what my mood has been like, thanks to my grandson who has lifted my mood if only for a little while, let me tell you a little bit of the week that has past!

To be honest although I almost completed my small list of tasks that I wished to carry out, it did nothing to improve my mood, I was generally grumpy, not with others, but with myself, thankfully I did not eat my way through the house, I wanted to, but I was a reasonably good boy, simply because I knew that it would not improve my mood, that in itself did not help me, I was generally angry with myself for no other reason than I could be, I reverted to jealousy a trait that rears its ugly head from time to time, something that as a general rule I don’t like as I get older it flairs up from time to time, I’m sure a qualified person could tell me why, me I’m thick (bless me) and  I haven’t got a clue!

Thankfully these thoughts do not last long I know enough to give my head a shake, again writing and music has not helped at all, I have tried to lift myself out of the doldrums, I have to a small degree been successful , but I know I still have a long way too go. As hard as I try “Bob” has been nipping at my heels, again the sense of failure has been flooding through me as I can’t shake him.

Furlough the second time around has not been helpful to my mental health and its almost like a game of snakes and ladders, thankfully I am still playing! The week has dragged and I only have myself to blame, thankfully at the end of the week we agreed even though he is not in our bubble to have our grandson, bless him he has his own issues and we will be there to support him as best we can, he arrived on the Friday night and it has been (he is still here as I type this up) a blur of activity to keep him occupied, thankfully he has been quite good because at times he can be quite a handful, the change of environment has kind of helped him and me, yesterday we went for a hobble, well I hobbled and he scootered the youngest came along to look after me rather than the grandson. The day dissolved into night and we had a few issues last night as ours is an old house and he isn’t sure what these noises are.

He has been a godsend, knowing that he needs us is a good thing, can we help just a little and he and his family need a slight respite from each other, thankfully he dragged me from the depths of my despair and he helped kick “Bob” squarely in the butt. We have a number of cunning plans for today including another hobble, hopefully this will continue the upward curve of my mood.

A really bad couple of night’s sleep hasn’t helped its almost like “Bob” is trying to get around the fence to me, the intention is to ignore him, tonight I intend to have a drink, yes alcohol simply to help me stay asleep, my next plan is to sort through the tons and I mean tons of music I have and simply get rid of stuff that I will never play ever again, sacrilege, this morning out of 18gyg of music I kept two discographies and 12 other albums! I know but simply not required, I need to have greater quality control.

My grandson being here this weekend has simply been a ray of sunshine in the crappy rainy week that I have suffered, I am not beaten I know that I have had a crap week but I will not be beaten, the numbers have been consistent it almost seems like people have been getting snuggled down with pop corn to enjoy some misery (only kidding) there have been some kind words from people who don’t really have no connection other than this blog, hopefully this wont change after blog 500, this blog is the first blog written on the “new” laptop I finally bit the bullet but there have been some hiccups along the way that certainly haven’t helped me with my mood, so watch the skies for incoming, until the next time…………………………..Toodles!

Realize.

I know the spelling of the title is Americanised, take it up with the band that wrote the song, it’s their spelling not mine! And yes, the name game is in play!

Again, yet another shite week, writing and music have not helped, I have tried my best, at least my fellow inmates haven’t thought me to be grumpy, mind you they always have a tendency not to take any notice of me, go figure.

Another short one and again its primarily bile, not that has hurt numbers for the last one, maybe peeps are simply happy in with me in my misery, I have a number of tasks I want to get completed this week, so I intend (hahahahaha delusional fool) to focus on those tasks in hand, I will be really grumpy if I don’t get them done, two big jobs and then the rest a smattering of smaller tasks, I’m hoping that upon completion it should lift my spirits.

Pornography, that  got your attention, this is the last hint of what the new blog will be like in 8 blogs, well 7 after this one, when I mean pornography, I mean something that I love, I want to write something typically topical and something that I hold dear to my heart, you all seem interested , all will be revealed in the weeks to come definitely by blog number 499!

I have been sleeping the sleep of the dead this past week, actually going to bed late so as a consequence getting up a lot later, I get up more disoriented than normal, I don’t think that this is helping my mood, so this will be my last late one, the rest of the week will be early to bed and then early to rise…..fingers crossed, and then hopefully this should improve my mood, I know we have been here before but what do I know, I’m not happy being grumpy.

The last few blogs have done really well, I have been surprised, and thank you for all the nice comments, but no it doesn’t change my train of thought, actually I have zero concentration, which if I’m truthful its not helping these next 7 blogs (I know 8 if you include this one) could be a tad bumpy, I need to get my arse in gear so that I can produce some decent work as I want to go out (this phase) with a bang not a whimper!

And that’s me done I have no intention of repeating my same old gripes it is what it is, I have a cunning plan, let’s hope I can stick to my guns, so watch the skies for incoming, until the next time, as long as I can get my arse into gear………..Toodles!

Lonely is the word.

It’s a Sunday at least I think it is, another lockdown and another spell in self inflicted prison, at least that what it feels like!

This won’t be a long one, as I’m not really in the mood to witter and if I do, I half expect to have a man with a white coat banging on my front door, with a coat that fastens in the back. Go figure! I know this lock down is literally a little over three weeks but I barely got through the last one with my sanity intact I’m not looking forward to the second round!

The last one was full of light and some good weather, this one does not have the same ring to it, here I am in day three, in a foul mood wanting to eat the house, a smashed tooth and generally a bad attitude, what will I be like in three weeks, damn I feel the need for a drink, hopefully music will sooth the savage beast, I certainly have no intention of staring at the idiot box.

I have attempted a number of blogs this week, but I have spiralled out, simply because I knew what was coming, a few blogs detailing Black Sabbath gigs and other various historical ones left me feeling empty with no intention of finishing them, I have been flat after all of my attempts, I usually have a bit of an uplift from my efforts, not this time, so I will get in and get out and simply say I have been trying, very trying.

So here is my upshot for the past week, finally the orange Cheeto man has been disposed of, I don’t care who gets in I wouldn’t trust either of them, work has been demoralising, simply because of technical issues, I got to see some peeps I haven’t seen in ages and then I realised there was one or two I hadn’t seen in a couple of weeks, life is shit at the moment, what else can I say!

All of my positivity has been drained from me, I will do my best to try and replace it with some fresh optimism, lets see how that works out, I don’t like the world or even myself at the moment! I will need to get out into some fresh air at some point otherwise I will go bat shit crazy, so as I tend to say in these situations ……...onwards!

So there you have it, I’m not happy I hate the world and I need a tooth pulled that about sums it up, don’t worry I have been here before and I haven’t slaughtered anyone yet………yet being the operative word, jealousy of how other people live their lives is impacting on me and how I live mine, health issues are kicking my arse and to be honest I have lost the fight today, but tomorrow will be better, that I promise, it has to be time to head back to the cave, leave me be I will be fine, until the next time keep watching the skies for incoming…………..Toodles!

And yes the name game is in play, have at it!