Saturday 28 September 2013

In the lap of the gods

10 days damn where did the time go? I had so many ideas but work has sucked the life out of me and I really could not be bothered, not in a bad way, it's been an ok time no drama, just couldn't kick start the will to live, lets see what I can muster before bed and the day that beckons with the sunrise is a day I have waited for months so it had better be a good one!

Bus seat bingo continued and I had a blog to conclude, it didn't happen, lets just take it as read that yes the bitch was as mad as a box of frogs! back on the plague carrier this week so you never know there could be some excitement in the future as I don't intend to wait another 10 days before I blog!

Motivation has been sadly lacking, I cannot pin point the cause (well I can but I really shouldn't wait for a lottery win) I'm treating each day as though it really is just another day, today we had a few things to do, which we did and the eldest came to visit bringing the grandsons the eldest was happy to see me and the youngest slept farted and got fed, but I'm not sure that I have actually seen him awake yet! As usual a twist in the tail was soon detected and batted back at a fair rate of knots (erm fuck off!).  The old man of the house has had me worried and full of happiness at the same time I love the look on his face even though he fades a little each day, with his hearing and eyesight suffering and him getting thinner and I'm really not sure how the hell he holds himself up on his back legs either, there's been a couple of times I have come down and thought he had gone off to chase rabbits in the clouds, damn he's good at playing dead!

A day off on Friday so I took the family out on Thursday night and we ended up in a 50's themed diner and it was fab just as well we didn't stay in the local spoons as the pint of the black stuff lasted all of three minutes, the food was fab and I even went and had a pud ( I know me a fat bastard with my reputation) hell I even left a tip will I go back? yes I think I will, I really did enjoy it so much it made a lovely change and it was nice for us to interact as a family unit instead as three individuals!

A visit to  the Krakens today to do a good deed made me happy and unhappy all at the same time, happy that I can help in a small way, unhappy at the thought of the little shits who think it's funny to egg an old woman's house, if I could find your grand parents house it wouldn't be eggs I'd be flinging it would either be shit or your body parts! nobody deserves to be treat like that you don't know her if anybody deserves to through eggs it should be me but I'm not that kind of guy!

Home tonight to chill and have a few drinkie poo's (it's a marathon not a sprint) we have a cunning plan all set for tomorrow (yeah I know it is probably going to go a stray) even the wife is intending to have a couple of drinks (that should be interesting) what more can you ask for? good food, good drink, good friends and Bessie and The Zinc Buckets in a lovely little venue in a lovely location I can guarantee it's going to get messy! At least I will start the day with a fully cooked breakfast, you have to do these things properly you know!

The numbers have been very good, numbers quite steady and some great comments from a few nutters from around the world and you can tell when you have some one new reading as old blogs crop up in the stats, hello to whoever, welcome to the weird and wonderful that is this blog, treatment for my condition is still not forthcoming although I will say I have been reasonably happy with my lot, feeling loved and generally sleeping well, there's no complaints from this sad little boy, the name game is in play as the last few have been reasonably easy I thought it quite funny that the last one was won by somebody from Canada and nobody from the north east got it, get off candy crush you varmints hahahaha, the next blog should be a good one as it shall be a descriptive walk through all the shenanigan's of tomorrow and with more trips planned for the coming weeks there should be a smorgasbord of cunning stunts in the coming weeks.

So I bid you all goodnight eeeeh it seems like an age since I saw G and E and well just about everybody else I really can't wait, and I do intend to make it up to a certain guitar player who saw the dark side the last time we were out and he helped me through a very bad day, a hearty thank you will be given tomorrow, so live long and eat cheese and I will be back before you can shake a stick at what ever you would shake a stick at, until then Toodles!

Wednesday 18 September 2013

Pyscho Blues

Ok this was just too good a chance to miss, I think this is funny stick with me, lets see if any of you lot agree?

I did the last blog and it was like I had swallowed a big book of words (I'm not falling for that trick again) I felt like shit, but it had to be done so I manned up and babbled for a few paragraphs, now numbers wise it did ok but I'm a man on a mission so lets see what we can do with this little beauty!

So we all know I was a little under the weather I wasn't in full blown man flu alert mode, but I was a little down, thankfully I had a week on the plague carrier so I knew I had the potential for some fun. I loaded up the MP 3 player with some new tunes as I had played the arse off the two Bowes Morley albums and I really fancied a change, I also thought I would mix it up in the plague carrier stakes my usual victims, I mean fellow passengers had got used to me playing bus seat bingo, so I decided it was time to move onto pastures new, I decided to get a different Plague Carrier, same route just a different time they had messed about with the time tables so I thought why the hell not lets live a little!

So Plague Carrier chosen I was a little disappointed that nobody got on with me as I get on at the first stop, so I had a fresh bus to choose from, I did the sophisticated one potato two potato selection system and plumped for a seat in  the middle of said plague carrier, second stop nobody got on, this is boring, third stop finally young guy gets on and is pissed straight away that I'm in his seat but he just glares and then sits behind me, next stop a few people get on nothing untoward, potentially fresh victims for the rest of the week, lets see where they sit, bottom of the hill and then this shaved mammoth gets on and I thought she was going to stroke out big time she pays her fare then notices horror of horror someone is in her seat yep the guy behind me and I can feeling him getting tense, I dial the volume down on the music (Diamond Head Borrowed Time if you could be that interested!) she waddles actually she looked like a bloody walrus  that had been defanged, and then she muttered the immortal phrase "you're in my spot" WTF really (if you watch The Big Bang Theory you will get the reference straight away) the guy chose (unwisely)  to ignore this towering tub of lard to which she repeated the retort, now by this time I had positioned myself so I could see all  of the action in the drivers mirror, cool as cucumber he replies "there's a reason it's called public transport"  wallop straight out the park, she had no comeback hilarious, she gulped a few times well I think she did as her many chins flapped for the rest of the journey, if you had shot her dog then buried her grand parents alive with said dog you can just imagine how upset she was. Oh goody I know my victim is the next time I get this bus!

Coming home is not so much fun as it's usually full and its pot luck to where you can get in, if your lucky you get a double decker and can sit up on high and enjoy the view, still feeling like shit I made the silly mistake of actually running (cough splutter) for the bus as it was in, a vet would have put me down as it must have been comical to see this fat slug run (again cough splutter) but I made it and sat in the smallest seat on the bus ....oh and I lost a shoe it's ok I got it back but I wasn't so happy going home as I had been coming to work (the return journey was powered by the magic of Pat Travers....Makin Magic), I was duty dog the next day so I could chill and relax and have a little lie in, the man flu had passed, but I felt like I had a little mucus monkey sat on my chest, but other than that I felt pretty good, you can't really play bus seat bingo because the Plague Carrier is usually full of pissed up pensioners who have been to the local Spoons for breakfast and a pint (or two) I listened to Fish Sunsets on Empire as I hate the shift and wanted to be in an appropriate mood, I was still suffering and my Ebola was so bad I not only didn't I notice a friend get on the bus I didn't see them get off (ooops sorry Neil).  Work was work and the Mrs and the youngest picked me up (and yes I was grateful), a quick return to work and the day from hell promised with the coming morning, a world record number of inspections to do, it might be hell but I was going to have some fun first with a capital F!

So I was awake before my alarms this morning for some strange reason I was excited (I know it's the littlest of things) I put the bin out and shuffled off to Buffalo (well the bus station but you get the point) same as Monday nobody there, I had the choice of my seat, nope I didn't need my complicated selection choice, I knew exactly where I was going to sit my cute little butt, at the appointed stop the young guy got on and smiled because he knew what I was doing, he was slightly bigger build to me so I hunkered down behind him and people got on, I sorted my music out  I had decided on the wonderfully cheery Accidently On Purpose by the equally cheery Charlotte Yanni, cranked up the volume and waited! at the bottom of the hill lo and be hold there she blows she gets on and seems happy, all is good with the world, Monday was simply something that had been a fever dream, best forgotten, she then starts to shuffle up the bus and her joy turns to horror as she sees little old me "in her spot" my little cherubic face smiling  up at her, she decided to have a go (really you want to go there) "your in my spot" hmm that didn't really work on Monday it's sure as hell isn't working today I looked straight at her then looked away I had my tunes on I wasn't listening to some bellowing loon, at this point the Plague Carrier driver told her to sit her fat ass down (ok he was a tad more polite its called literary licence)  as he couldn't pull away until she had, which she did, not happy but she sat down and stayed on the outside of the seat I knew what she intended to do, as she stayed on after me I just hoped some one for a change would sit next to me and therefore claim the seat when I vacated said plague carrier.

Nobody did and she slithered (I think that's what Walrus's do when they are on dry land) finally placated that she had her spot! I then knuckled down and did my day from hell and yes it was hell I struggled back to my office after six hours on my feet and covering quite a distance (well for my sorry knees it was ) I took copious amounts of Painkillers and various other things to remove all the swelling (ooo er missus) I crawled (literally) to get on the plague carrier got on and found I was going to have to stand, this was going to hurt, thankfully some one got off at the first stop and I was right next to them, so I slipped into the seat, to cheer me up Well I played Charlotte's album over again it's actually the perfect length for the journey and although I got off the bus in pain I was cheered by the music in my soul (seriously? you need to Google where the song title comes from? Jeez Louise you guys!).

Tonight has been taken up with other events which I won't mention other than fingers crossed and lots of prayers, the wife well actually her day probably would make a better blog but she hasn't got the disease, tomorrow the music I have chosen for the battle will be Glenn Hughes Play Me Out, why because I can it also has the perfect song for the mammoth I will just sing along to I found a woman hahahahaha ok so that's me done it's been a pleasure and really it is the smallest things (no I'm not back to the swelling) that makes us happy live long and eat cheese until then Toodles !

Sunday 15 September 2013

Twisted

I have avoided doing this blog as my tonsils are like bulldogs balls and I'm suffering like shit, but my adoring public have been enquiring as to where the hell I am so here goes.......

Blogging is perhaps the most bewildering experience of my life (it has taken over my life in quite a big way) I have for the most part (well I think I have others might not quite agree) chosen to remain silent (how many blogs so far?) or try to keep in the background, what did I do before I blogged? did I actually just swallow all this shit and keep it to myself? (answers on a fifty pound note to fuckyouandthehorseyourodeinon.com) probably not, my eldest introduced me to the wonderful world of blogging as away of me not being so angry all the time (me ? with my reputation) but this inner peace comes at a price (as do all things that are connected to your Chi) supressed cogitation (big word of the day) tends to gestate, it sits there and grows (or twists in my case) into something else!

Self immolating bitterness (no wonder my tonsils are sore I must have swallowed a bloody dictionary) is just one of the outcomes (and I always try to avoid this in my life) that has Tumour, Heart Disease or Stroke written all over it (me being a fatty isn't helping mind you) blogging is meant to be fun with a capital F and so far it has been, even when I'm down in the dumps it usually lifts my spirit's or at least your responses do!

Alternatively these thoughts could morph into something beautiful (twisted), Superman's diamond was wrought from a lump of coal (as everybody bursts into singing mode ....oooooh BLACK DIAMOND!) ha this blog is a lump all right (ooops inside voice), but one thing for sure that whatever is growing inside of me has to be pushed out ( now there's an image) once it gets onto the page I then write and rewrite it until I'm (reasonably) happy with it. I should leave it to you the discerning reader to decide if it's metaphorical (I need to be careful I don't breach the Governments big word tax allowance) birth out into the bright sunshine is worth it or was it through my metaphorical vagina or my metaphorical arse (ass to the discerning American readers).

It was so much easier when I used to write about Custard Creams until the next time when I will be at least feeling sort of human.....Toodles!

Sunday 8 September 2013

An audience with the Pope

I'm a big believer that "a shy bairn gets nowt" and with that in mind, I'd like to throw caution to the wind and ask the Vatican's collage or the cardinals to consider me as the next Pope! now hold onto your knickers  this isn't as controversial as some of you might think (I can feel guns being loaded and crosses being set on fire as I type). Hear me out, the next time that there's an opening for the top job make sure that my application is right at the top of the pile.

Now before you get your knickers all up in a bunch, lets just look at all the good reasons before we go anywhere near the negatives! I'm Protestant - that's close enough isn't it, I mean it could be worse I could be Jewish, Buddhist or even a Methodist.....I do draw the line at Shinto (notice no mention of any religions that might try and kill my ass see I'm public relations savvy already, plus the FBI might not save my sorry ass this time). I love all the stories that are filled with the "smiting" and all of the "begetting"! Ok so I am once divorced and am currently married blog writer with a whiter than whiter past (well compared to some of the last candidates). Most importantly I really do look like a twat in a hat (this is a qualification that's required right?).

Ok so there might be a few more Con's than Pro's, well how about these then, I am completely untouched by the (latest) abuse scandal that is currently engulfing the church, I can stand on any balcony (although I do hope that you do adhere to the current working at heights regulations as I wouldn't wish to break the law) waving to the faithful with a straight(ish) face, I can go on all of the chat shows and tell the world that "I have never met an alter boy" with me as your pontiff you could earn some serious plausible deniability! I am actually very spiritually inclined (Vodka, Rum, Bourbon all the greats).

I would love a job where my primary thrust was to promote prayer and meditation or acts of loving kindness, although in the interest of full disclosure, we would have to negotiate some common sense middle ground for any actual thrusting that I might want to do! it would be a shame to waste adoring masses (well as long as they were consenting adults, you have enough on your hands for the other thing and goats have a tendency to bite......so I'm told!) finally there would be the name Pope "walks with broken hoop" how can a billion and one true believers not sit there and smile and breath a sigh of relief with a Pope with a sensible name I mean come on.....Linus, Anacletus, Telesphorus, Hyginus do I need to go on? when that white smoke is coming from that itty bitty chimney ready to announce my investiture what could possibly go wrong?

Cardinals I want to take this open letter to assure you that while my Papacy "would be just a little outside of the box" you could rest assured that I would passionately carry the word to the poor and downtrodden beginning with a visit to Necker Island, Las Vegas or at a push Monaco (while the grand prix is on). Just think of all the marketing opportunities I could walk the cobbles in Coronation street trying to ensure that Haley doesn't do anything stupid, prop up the bar in the Woolpack conversing over a holy wine or two with all of the Dingles (think of the t-shirt opportunities). What's to stop me (apart from my dodgy knees) from busting some moves on dancing with the stars???? eh what fantastic opportunity this could be for you guys! now don't get me started on spoken word / comedy albums I reckon I could give that Billy Connolly a run for his money, I already have a few titles in mind Kiss the ring ....number of the beast  not sure of the second one that might have been used before, but you get the picture, this has great opportunity written all over it, you have my numbers and my address give me a shout .....later Bitches!

Oh one last thing is it double time for Sundays?

there you go see I can still be quite insulting when I wish to be I was going to post this last Monday as the three little projects went wonderfully but I let them stew a little so I could add a little here and there I hope you enjoy and watch the skies just in case normal service is resumed and I just realised I never mentioned scientology once I mean come on I don't want Tom Cruise coming around and jumping on my settee I mean I haven't finished paying for it yet.....Toodles!

Is the name game in play? you bet ya sweet ass it is! as I realised the title I was going to use had in actual fact already been used....go figure! so after some scrambling and Googling yes this is a song title!

Sunday 1 September 2013

Liar

Back to the grind so to speak, back to interaction with the outside world and all the other things that go with it, last weekend was fab! however it took it's toll on me, as I have lived like a hermit for the last six days, only venturing out to sort bins, do a small job with the front window and a little shopping yesterday and that was it, how the wife put up with me this week I have no idea, not a misery just didn't want to interact with the world as a general rule of thumb.

I did do my one day of work, and I rattled through it so much quicker than if I was at work, because I was basically just left alone to get the fuck on with it! other than that I vegetated and did sweet fuck all, my cunning plans ebbed away like sand in a holy bag, I wanted nor did I need any interaction and as each day drew to a close I knew that the elusive lottery win wasn't going to materialise, so the deeper my morose mood got! I didn't /don't want to go back to work tomorrow morning but I know I have to!

I did no writing like I promised I would, as my mood got way too dark way too quick and I mean way to dark, that's not to say that the chapter is not there in some embryonic form (it is I just couldn't bring myself to flesh it out) I just couldn't bring myself to expose (calm down at the back) yet another raw nerve, too dark too soon, so I left it and if truth be known I'm glad I did I actually feel better because I left it alone.

I was extremely grateful of the solitude this week and although I'm sure the wife wanted to beat me around the head and shoulders, she was very supportive (as she always is) she had enough of her own issues as a well known international assassin appeared to be back on her trail  as a sniper took her out while she went about her tasks for the day in our good town of Gimpsville, as she tripped and skinned the knee she did last year after Lady J attacked her while the wife was sober, I have just realised that she was sober both times maybe that seems to be the issue ....never trust a sober person!

The grandson was deposited upon us on Friday (deep joy) as his brother was due to be born (he was three days after the due date) and although I'm not really a children (that should read people) type of person, we had a great day yesterday bonding over building blocks football and Mickey bloody Mouse, maybe there is some hope for me after all? mind you his sleep pattern is rather erratic, again the wife deals with it as I'm really a cast member of the walking dead once I'm in the (sleep) zone!

Today well honestly is not a good day I miss my friends, I hate working damn hard just to keep my head above the water and I hate the fact when I'm off work nobody takes any of my calls or any other task that I have to perform, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to interact with anybody other than my friends! if I did win the lottery I would probably just sit in the house and eat myself to an even earlier grave, the length of time for the treatment I'm supposed to be getting is worrying if I said I was going to harm myself or others would I have been seen straight away and it's the underlying current that is affecting my mood at the moment as it appears that its not high on anybody's list to assist me, I have coped on and off for 32 years, well I'm sure he's ok! I'm not and it's making me damned angry at the moment not a great combination for the world!

Why Liar? because I keep saying I'm alright, but in reality there are only small glimpses of being alright  notice I didn't say happy because it appears I get more maudlin with the passage of time, so when I say I'm fine, some of the time I am and sometimes/most of the time I'm not, but again that's my problem not yours! what I have decided is that these blogs have been a tad glum and that's not what they started off being, so I have sat down and come up with three small ideas that I intend to work on as an exercise in stopping me being such a miserable bastard (me with my reputation) and will work on them over the coming days, the best one will be published soon...... well as soon as I can be arsed (do you know how much work I put into  these things.....and I still get the feckers wrong).

So that's me done and dusted and I probably sound worse/better than I actually am, it depends on your perception of my mood, I need to get my game face back on as I climb back into my lifts car in the morning, lets just say it could be interesting if I don't get the night's sleep I need for the coming week so play nice and no please don't worry, I'm not that bad I'm a whole lot better than I have been in the last five days, it's called life some of you lot just seem to be able to manage it a damn sight better than I can that's all!

The name game as always is in play and it's a specific artist not a million and thirty two attempts (OK Nils) as I sit here playing the album it comes from, it's music that does really cheer me up and I might just sit and plough through the discography in chronological order, because that's how I roll, watch the skies incoming ....until then Toodles!