Toxicity.

I have failed yet again in my attempt at having a sense of humour! No matter what I have tried over the last six weeks, it all turns BLACK!

I feel like a certain character out of The Fast Show, I simply need to get an easel, thankfully because I have prevailed, I have at last started to climb out of the morass of ill feeling that has been surrounding me, I would also like to thank all of you the discerning readers who have latched on and have been rereading all of the old blogs, and again thanks for all of the kind words, they have indeed helped. If anybody has noticed or even cares I am slowly but surely removing myself from social media, I’m not going to delete the accounts, I will still control them as much as one can. The reason why the last blog was musical was simply because I was at my lowest ebb ever, I was trying to stay positive but I couldn’t, so to fill the gap I went with what I know and that was music, it didn’t do great numbers but it did OK for what it was. By the end of the year the only place where I will be posting will be here on the blog.

By removing myself slowly from social media, rather than going cold turkey, my self esteem has been slowly building trying to retrieve some kind of sanity, I have been suffering from major bouts of jealousy, Misery and all of the other bad feelings that were simply overwhelming me, I wasn’t simply being a big girls blouse, I was deep in the hole and I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it out, I decided that I would simply remove myself from my work Farcebook page, stop posting altogether and see the reaction, I waited 53 days before someone even noticed and asked if I was alright, I’m glad it was that length of time as they might simply have got a mouth full of abuse/bile, thankfully the climb had started. Having said that I felt worthless that it took so long for anybody to notice I wasn’t there, especially as I was normally prolific annoying the shit out of my former boss at my former job, generally trying to be a fun and happy person, not one person missed me, I could have been lying dead somewhere, it kind of puts your life into some kind of perspective, love those close to you and keep them in your hearts.

I blame Christmas and the fact that I was allowed time off, I could fester to my hearts delight, my black heart! it was the first time in nearly 35 years, there’s a term for it I’m sure I will remember it at some point, I retreated into my own shell and although we had a nice Christmas I was sinking slowly, even Bob wanted nothing to do with me, he did want to be named the guilty party for pushing me truly over the edge. I do try and keep myself busy when I’m off, simply pottering here and there, But this time I would simply sit there and stare blankly at the world and hating it, hating it with every fibre in my body, life wasn’t fair and I wanted to bite back, I wasn’t being fair to anyone, everything was bleak, it’s the only way that I can describe it. The wife kept trying to throw me a life line and I simply kept throwing it back at her, this was my problem not hers I didn’t want to talk I didn’t want saved I was simply waiting for that big wave to come in and claim me!

I went back to all of my bad habits, staring inward, eating all the wrong things, I put weight on that simply didn’t help, I didn’t want to be happy, even music the great redeemer did nothing, many times I simply went to work and left my MP3 players in the house, I wanted to wallow like a whale in my misery, I was good at it, work was simply that work, again no joy, I don’t think I have the words to say how bad it was, it was probably the closest I have ever being to doing something stupid, not self-harm, but to be self-destructive, I drank in the house again which spiralled into eating the wrong things again and my mood spiralling ever downward. I have nobody but myself to blame, I did everything I could to break my heart over and over again, I simply didn’t care for myself or anybody else, that is the worst thing that I could be so selfish, I honestly never thought I would or even could be, but there was the proof, I always say as long as I wake up happy, I’m happy with life, I went to bed praying that I wouldn’t wake up and I awoke cursing the fact that I woke the next morning!

Why did I feel like this, simply because of the pain that I thought I was causing my loved ones, that they would indeed be better off without me, alcohol helps those feelings, when I’m in the house I can drink to excess (for me anyway)  I realise that I was drinking way too much, I’m not a heavy drinker by any stretch of any imagination, but it was heavy for me, and it caused me  severe mental health problems, thankfully I only ever drank at weekends and never on a school night, I would go to work with animosity in my heart, I would spend long hours thinking were I had gone wrong, I know I hadn’t gone wrong, life is what it was, but when that mood arrives there is not a lot anybody can do, I pitied myself and that drove me further away from my family and friends, thoughts of being alone with no family or friends, isolation was self-inflicted, it always is, I realise as I enter my final innings, we are born alone we die alone, sometimes that sweet oblivion cannot be close enough! I’m sure that’s a theme I have touched on more than once.

I have been conflicted about family, I love my family, but I wonder why my family life has been so fractured, why does a father desert his family and make no effort to stay in touch, I think it didn’t affect me as a kid, but those seeds are buried deep and like Japanese Knot weed almost impossible to eradicate, I have always tried to be a better parent than my father, I like to think I have been, but the gnawing is always there, so many questions I would ask, if he was still alive, is he dead, why does it bother me now, it gnaws and gnaws, that’s when jealousy creeps in and I hate myself even more.

In the middle of all this I was having major memory issues, it was a nightmare, simple things that normally I would know, gone lost to God knows where, it didn’t help my mood swings, I’m still having issues but I am trying exercise mentally, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t, but there are still some big gaps in my memories, maybe it’s the onset of dementia, that’s all I need, actually it is that could solve the main problem, I could sit and drool to my heart’s content! Damn that’s not the happiest wish in this blog, is it?

I then had a fall on my way to work, one small patch of ice one giant leap for mankind and I was like a superstar of the winter Olympics, you couldn’t bend wire the shape I landed, yes it hurt, no I didn’t bounce, a nice lady stopped to see if I was alright, I wasn’t but I soldiered on, one foot in front of the other, I bashed my head, cracked my collar bone, a few ribs, I got through the day but when I got home all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep, well that’s what I did, and had a deep sleep, I dreamed about people who I worked with all through my life in all of the jobs that I have worked I woke in a deep pool of sweat as there was a person in my dream I couldn’t remember his name and every time I couldn’t remember his name something bad happened, it was a weird dream, but when I woke I spent an hour trying to remember his name and for the love of money it simply wouldn’t come, that’s a really bad feeling to have at 3 in the morning, when the dam broke, I nearly cried with relief, the mind is a bad thing to mess with and I felt like I was playing with something dangerous, I honestly thought I was losing my marbles!

My physical health was destroyed and in a bad way, thankfully I am back on an even footing no drinking at the weekend, trying to get my diabetes back on track as well, that will take more than a couple of weeks, a minor surgical procedure was meant to help me with my ongoing medical issues, it didn’t help and it just poses more questions, questions that aren’t being addressed by a medical professional, I feel like a professional complaint coming on, I might even go for the scorched earth approach just burn the it all fucking down,  I have had this condition going on nearly 4 years and I’m sure its probably at the base of all my other issues, watch this space! And yes, I am still in pain since my fall slowly getting better, except my collar bone, at times like this I wish I could retire forever!

Then at the beginning of this week, it felt like the sun was trying to break through, I do feel better, well a little bit better, still single digits, but that’s an improvement on the last 12 weeks I can tell you, and so to the retreat, music is creeping back into my life, as is my family, and I do appear to be a tad less bleak when I wake each morning, The social media profile shall be pruned back to its roots I don’t want it to die I simply want to be in control, this will be the last blog that will be advertised on Farcebook, I know I will get some people genuinely concerned about me don’t be it is what it is, there’s nothing anybody other than myself can do, I shall still post at least once a month you will simply have to look to see if I have posted, I do with good intention intend to try and write something humorous, musical, historical, watch this space is all I can offer. So here is the deal, the intention is to try and write something no later than the last week of every month, so you will really have to watch the skies if you do indeed want a dose of my life.

So to close the longest blog in a while, I have shaved this down by over 80%, I have pages and pages of misery that I intend to burn once this is posted, time to put my best foot forward and simply take a deep breath and try to live each day to the best of my ability, that may not be very good to some of you, but it’s all I can promise, so until the next time, take care and stay alive…………….TOODLES!