The Whalers Dues

This has been an incredibly hard blog to write, and its turned out to be not the blog intended (thank god I couldn’t deal with any more death threats) but once I got this particular bone between my teeth I have been determined not to be beaten. At times there has been an enormous of bile and hatred, which is why I have beavered away on this missive, the intention has been not to be full of hate in any way shape or form. I know I have failed on that score, at least I tried to be a better person(hahaha yeah right) The idea formed on a night out to a wedding that me and the wife attended, not our usual crew, I knew only one person, so I had to be on my (tee hee) best behaviour. I struggled as I wasn’t having the best moment in my life at that point, but I tried (and failed miserably) but at least I tried!

I had never physically been in the venue before, but I had been past it loads of times, a typical working men’s club, good honest people, salt of the earth, you know the kind, all that I love when I go for a pint. At some point in time the world has moved on and has changed, I’m a tad (ahem) large (not as large as I used to be but not slim either)I have the fashion police call on me on a regular basis, the wife has helped me wonderfully, however If you dressed me in Gucci or some other famous fashion branded clothing, I would still look like a bag of shite tied in the middle, it’s my shape and size, not me I’m just not destined to walk the catwalk, and I’m alright with that, Jeans and T shirts is fine with me, however as previously mentioned the wife has steered me in the right direction on a regular basis.

At some point in time though, and I’m not sure when, the world has become a fashion statement, people of all ages trying to dress to an age that they are not, I’m not against people having nice things, I believe I would prefer that you had common sense more than the fashion sense of a teenager at the age of 60! at this wedding all of the ladies were trying to be as glamorous as any famous fashion models (insert the appropriate name as I don’t know any….yes I am that clueless)  now some of these ladies were , how can I put this politely, I don’t think I can but I’m going to try, plus size, and not that there is any issues with that, I’m not a super model myself, but surely somebody looks in the mirror before they come out and at some point even myself would go WTF, why would you do it, some of the blokes weren’t exactly Brad Pitt (more like Arm Pitt) but the clobber simply looked out of place. I thought I was in downtown Miami not the neck end of the town, I’m all for people having aspirations, but WTF!

I wondered at the sights unfolding, some of them had more attitude than Beyoncé, damn they were beautiful, trust me you weren’t, now I’m not saying that these individuals should become shy wall flowers, but you should have some level of acceptance of what you look like and should dress accordingly, trust me a 26 stone lady should not be wearing a mini skirt, I kid you not, there were one or two ladies there that were just as large, however were covered in a much more fashionable manner and dare I say it in a much more demure way. Now this isn’t an isolated sighting, as I have wandered through any part of our green and fair land and there are 50 + people who weigh more than 20 stone who if they could get away with it would be out wearing bikini’s its simply not cricket. Maybe we should beat them around the head and shoulders with a cricket bat.

Now I can hear you all saying where is the bile where is the hate filled messages and all the other things that I had promised over the previous few blogs, well I have actually thought more about this blog than any other posting and at times this blog was in excess of 8000 words , it stands at around a more manageable 2100 (although it’s under constant review)at the moment, it was like me and the people in this blog it was HUUUUUUGE! But I have kept whittling away at it, some of it was not necessary and I didn’t want people to think that I was a horrible person, I can be at times, but I honestly try not to be.  It has happened overnight we have become the 51^st state of America the amount of clinically obese people, and I count myself among these people I was 11 stone at the age of 40 and by the age of 48 I was double that, I have had a couple of years yo yoing between weight but I’m now heading in the right direction, I would ideally love to lose another seven stone but it’s still small steps just because I have lost three and a half stone doesn’t mean that I am going to keep it off it’s a battle, but at least I know what the cause is, and hopefully will conquer the issue one day at a time.

But I personally do not stand around in bars or other social occasions trying to look like something I’m not, by all means I applaud you for your gumption, even if I was 11 stone, I still wouldn’t have the balls to go out dressed in the way that you do. I love people watching and I have just realised that this isn’t a new phenomenon! Why The Whalers Dues, it was a song I had been playing a lot at the time of the initial germ of thought for this blog and in heightened moments of the odd diabetic coma ( I suffer them on every other day) I had visions of being out on the North sea with the waves buffeting my craft, the waves wafting my lustrous long hair (hahaha) as I stand in the bow with my harpoon gun trying to actually spear one of these lovely harpies! No maybe, it’s just my vivid imagination, either that or the drugs do work. I now gaze at the vast herds of wildebeest and its only actuated by the clothing that they wear.

At work or at least whilst travelling to and from and all around site (I see some sights), I see these people who looked fine, who all of a sudden become clothes horses with modern clothing were now they simply look uncomfortable, people who have had the same haircut for years and then they decide to do something different but’s it’s like Gary Oldman’s hair cut in the fifth element , simply weird and all obtuse angles, by all means do something different make yourself happy but maybe not magenta or purple, grown men (and not necessarily fat although they usually are) who are dressed in bright colours and are fitted out with something that their own teenage family would deny as living in the same post code never mind the same family group, dayglo pink sued shoes with mustard jeans and similar dayglo patterned t shirt with a jacket that costs £300 but in reality is worth less than £30!

I shake my head on a regular basis, no I am not better than these people I simply wonder what is going through their minds and what caused this particular fashion revolution! Why does everybody have to dress like a teenager, by all means you all deserve the opportunity to feel like you are happy with life, in reality you just look sad and angry and for what, hey if it makes you happy good luck to you, I have to admit I see an awful lot of sad and angry older people out there, now don’t get me wrong there are some people who look fab, but they know what style suits them and they have their own special look, not something that’s been bought off the shelves of Primark for a four stone chipolata.

I guess what I’m trying to say is enjoy life, find your style and go with it, own but please stop being a sheep, you are of a certain age and a certain size, you can still look good, you can still feel good, we all deserve some thing for ourselves, the original blog was full of anger and bile, I would have been better off standing in my back yard and howling at the moon, I have no idea what set me off, I have no idea how I had accumulated so much bile against the world and people who I don’t even know, what the hell does it matter what I think, it doesn’t, I suppose it means that I am as human as the rest of us, I never said I was perfect but maybe just maybe I’m not as bright as I thought I was.

I have to build a better version of me, not just for my sake but for my family , my friends and the people who enter into my sphere of habitat, my bus journeys, my hobbles around Gimpsville, just generally being outside, I’m not better than anybody else (not that I have ever thought I was) and I don’t strive to be, I need to live each day being the best person I can be for the my own sake and in reality everybody else. Wear what ever makes you happy have the haircut that makes you look like a twat (I’m only jealous) life is too short that doesn’t mean at some point I won’t be in my boat trying to harpoon whales when I see them!

After sitting on this for around 18 months and it having a number of retweaks, over that time period, I was determined that it would be published at some point, the longer I kept it the worse it would be, I know this was never going to have the potency that the original had, even the reasoning that I had at the time is now obscured by the passage of time it had the potential to raise the wrath of the population of the entire north east of England as the entire population could have taken exception, Even the FBI wouldn’t have wanted to help me and my cause, and as I have already said life’s too short!

So there you go the last blog of the year, there is enough bile left in my to cause me enough trouble in my personal life, it’s not what I want, but sooner or latter its likely to come back to bite me in the ass, why should I add to my tales of woe! As always I thank everybody who over the last few years has taken the time to read my drivel, trust me it helps keep me sane, thank you to everybody who has meant that the site has had more than 50000 hits this year, lets see where this one gets us too?

The next year as already mentioned is potentially going to be the last year as my intention is to bow out when I hit the 500 mark, this is number 450, I need to up my game and hopefully bow out on a high with some historical, some funny and some general observations on life the universe and everything, this last year has not been the happiest from a writing point of view, as a person I am moving in the right direction, all cunning plans, I must get out more and visit friends, the people who mean so much to me, they may not know it, but yes beware I intend to turn up on your doorstep at some point in the coming year, now that’s a promise that I intend to keep!

So, keep spreading the disease and tell the world, watch the skies for incoming, I seem to have wandered off the beaten track of late, this will be a bumper year for life blogs, historical, maybe even hysterical ones and everything else, until then……………………Toodles!

Over the Top

Well this is very nearly the last blog of the year, work has kept me busy so I have not gathered any thoughts, I know its been nearly three weeks, but I am old, lets see what happens shall we.

Only one more before the end of the year and I am determined for it to be “The Whalers Dues” well at the moment it is but, never say never, I could always delete it rather than publish the bloody thing, I would hate for anybody to think that it’s a pile of poop! We shall see, consider it an end of year present.

Looking at the way the blogs have been running, next year will potentially be the last year of the blog as I head to the magic 500 number, I shall need to up my game and be full of positivity as I would like to end the blog on a high note, numbers have been pretty damn good even if the last one has taken an age to be the best read blog of the year, seriously numbers have gone up year on year, this one will potentially take us over the 50000 hits, was the last one slow simply  because I was being honest or was it because I used a Billy Joel song title well done to those who still have a go at the name game, and no this one is not a motorhead B side it’s the title track of……ah that would be telling you!

Tomorrow is my last check up of the year, my health has been rather shitty for the last couple of months, my number one objective for the new year is to get better in every sense of my being, and hopefully I will keep the updates to good ones as infrequently as I possibly can, my intention is to out run the sandman who doses me just about every night as I tend to snooze in the living room most nights, I know I can do better.

Cunning plans are still afoot , but I will keep my powder dry and run silent run deep on the progress of these cunning plots until I literally have something concrete to report, but things are progressing at a snails pace, its still progress, today was a busy day, up with the larks to go to the dentist, I bought the wife some flowers (simply because I can, no I had not done anything stupid, well not that I am aware of anyway) did some more decorating, went for a hobble with my youngest (which I regret as I am now bloody crippled) crawled around the loft trying to find  out how the vermin are still getting, in made tea for everybody and now I am sat here typing this (I told you I was a busy boy) I then intend to sit and be pleasant with the family (well it is Christmas) I may even have a glass or two of Jack.

Tomorrow I have another long list and I intend to crack on with it, lots to do, nothing to do with Christmas at all, everything that needs to be done has been, nope just a shit load of stuff, I like being busy, I wish I could be more busy, however life has caught up with me, and it keeps kicking me in the seat of my pants, so I will do what I can before I collapse in a heap, or fall asleep at some point , who knows I simply take each day as it comes now. Next year I promise me and the wife will be more social and that is a promise as long as the wife isn’t working a late shift give us a holler we will be there…..Hopefully!

At some point tomorrow night I will sit down to watch some version of A Christmas Carol/ Scrooge/Scrooged and then the festivities can begin, I hope you all have a fantastic time , I hope that you all get what you want, I just want to cook the dinner on the day (my one true bit of joy) then get on with life.

So watch the skies as the next blog has been a long time coming, and it will be the last one of the year, so eat drink and be merry, because on the next I cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war, its time to get some serious blogging done, until then………..Toodles!

Honesty

I should have completed this yesterday, I’m being honest as that’s what the blog is about, I really couldn’t be arsed, I had a couple of days leave, and I intend to do a few things in an around the house but I awoke to a serious case of Tonsillitis, my get up and go had got up and buggered off!

I have written (once or twice) about my health and mental health and I have to be honest with myself more than anyone else it feels like that I have been waging a losing war! I do not intend to give up the good fight, however it has not been as easy as I was hoping it would be. I had an appointment at the quacks regarding my diabetes and although they are happy with my progress, I’m not, I always set higher standards for myself (it’s part of my main issue) and I always struggle to maintain those standards, unfortunately this time I have to not only achieve the standard, I need to surpass them, my weight has become stagnated, it’s a slow slippery slope back to comfort eating and not giving a damn, that’s not a good look I can assure you. I have another appointment on Christmas eve, and I am determined to have lost weight by then, if I haven’t it might have to a more drastic approach.

It has weighed heavily on my shoulders and it seems as though I have been  swimming against the tide, although I have been confident, I feel as though I have lied to myself, and I need to redouble my efforts, because of this my mental health has slipped ever so slightly, again this is an issue regarding my weight and my diabetes, thankfully my PTSD has been kept at bay and I seem to be doing  well with regards to that particular issue, but there are other issues picking away at me like a scab that I don’t seem to be able to resolve, nothing serious, it just means that my confidence is leaching away, once this happens it’s a downward spiral, thankfully I’m not quite there yet, but I have been teetering on the edge, I doubt it will take much to tip me over, but I am working to be that better person that I always strive to be.

I have been doing quite a bit of reading on how to deal with these issues, mental exercises to keep me in the present, not to float off back to more darker times. the fact that I can admit to having  an issue is the best thing that I can do, I don’t really want to go back and ask for a course of treatment as I feel that there are many more people out there who need assistance than I do, and I know how long it would take for me to go through the ritual of going cap in hand asking for help, that is not me putting road blocks in the way I simply know how the system works, if I genuinely thought I needed help I would ask, I’m a dumb ass about a lot of things, my health is not one, I should have asked for help a long time ago, but I didn’t so I now have to bounce backwards and forwards dealing with the crap in my head, I would say I’m a good 60% better than I was  before ,at the least the ship isn’t sinking anymore, however if the bilge pumps stopped being efficient, I would most surely suffer.

I get emotional now, something I never did before, I was told I had a lack of empathy towards most things in my orbit, it doesn’t take me much to feel emotion starting to rise, at times I get swamped by it, as I simply do not know what to do with it, as usual I hear the voice in my head saying “suck it up butter cup” sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, as always as long as I wake up happy I can just about get through most days, sometimes I’m a tad distant but then again I think I always was.

I’m aware of friends and colleagues suffering with issues, I know the signs now, purely because I have from time to time gone through similar issues, I don’t think that I’m particularly good at helping people but at least I do try, I always start at the same point: -

Hold

On

Pain

Ends

Its true HOPE sounds strange but it’s the one thing that gets me through, because the crap does at some point end, its crap at the time and it does feel like it goes on and on and on, eventually  it does end, but then at some point it will all start again, it’s how you as an individual deal with it, you need to have some kind of positivity in your life, even just a smidgen at the starting point, you need to have good friends, and I know I do, I simply live far too far away from them for them to help as much as they could, I’m not one to ring people (I’m not a fan of the telephone I believe it’s the work of the devil) but every now and again I receive a phone call out of the blue and it’s so good to know that somebody thought of you just for a second on something that some people might consider inconsequential but to me it’s everything.

Keep your friends close, your family too if you have to, I know not all families are happy, so start with your friends and take it from there, help people , smile, say hello, you would be surprised what good it will do, there are more people suffering from mental health issues than ever before, if you do not suffer congratulations to you and hopefully you will never suffer, but they say at least 80% of people at some point in their life will need assistance in some way or another, so stay strong and if you can lend a hand, lend a shoulder or let them bend an ear it costs nothing to listen.

The last blog was the best of the year (numbers wise) and it’s still going fairly strong! Some people took the blog the wrong way, although I wasn’t in the best fettle, but I was attempting to right the ship, and I kind of succeeded, in a way, I am pumping (literally)  the bilge pumps, manfully holding me above waves, life is crap but I don’t care, I can have my off days, but it’s all peaks and troughs at the moment I am upward bound, it’s the downhill slope that I am trying to avoid.

I promise that this will be the last introspective one for a while, I do intend to do some historical ones in the coming weeks, although there may be a slight gap between this and the next one as I have 12 days of hell (not Christmas) before I get a day of with many other things needing to be carried out in between, so needs must, I shall be running silent and attempting to run deep ( I say this and never do) and again attempting to be a mature adult (cough splutter) and help the wife and my kids and my grandkids (yes even grandkids can have issues trust me) then friends and to be honest I am a soft touch I will do anything I can to help people, honestly I am not trying to avoid my own issues, until the next time, keep watching the skies and keep spreading the disease, as I always say at the end of these missives……….Toodles!

Disintegration.

So yet again the wife attempted to assassinate me, it’s a long story but the upshot was I politely asked her not to do something, she did it anyway, hence two cracked ribs you really couldn’t make shit like that up. It was however the beginning of a bleak downward spiral, sounds like fun it wasn’t!

I went back to work and simply wasn’t as user friendly as I can be (I know me with my reputation) as the week went on I got bleaker, I tried not to, but it was hard enough just to drag myself through the working day, for now it tis the season for the Christmas party and for some reason I had said that I would attend, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but then I was probably in one of my rare good moods! I have no idea; well I do its torture, so therefore it’s pretty obvious that I hate myself. The wife hates me going as well, I have no idea why (its ok for her to got to hers) I’m probably paying for the sins of previous partners, who knows, who cares, I’m ok with whatever she wants to do , but nope it would appear I need to ask her to grant me permission, I didn’t and I did go and it was horrible (for me) she got her revenge, she must have used that cursed voodoo that she does!

I had been offered a lift there and back, so that was a plus and the person is pleasant company and really helpful at work, so what could go wrong (hahaha) as always I have gotten ahead of  myself, I  had some lieu time to take and I wanted to get on with painting in the house (yes with cracked ribs, me a sadist? what makes you think that) a couple of coats and my mood was still in the toilet (literally) not people around me, just me and my black dog, I’m going to call him  “Bob”  I suffered through a couple of coats and then did some prep work on other parts of the house using some white matt paint except it went on pink WTF I hated the world with a passion at this point, thankfully it did dry white, once again thankfully I was pulled back from the brink. My tinnitus has also been plaguing me the last couple of weeks and it was building to a crescendo, salvo after salvo of white noise, thankfully today its down to a dull roar.

I also was doing some clear up work in the loft and a couple of chaps from work arrived  to helped me out, I couldn’t have done it by myself! crap that has been in the loft since before we moved in, I simply wanted it gone, again the ribs played a part, I really am getting too old for this crap, a couple of hours and it was complete and I waved goodbye to them I crawled onto the settee in agony, my ribs , my knees you name it and it was all so sore! I waited until my good lady arrived home and I climbed into a hot bath to soak away my ails, I was sensible enough to wait until she was in, just in case I got stuck, after all I am old, I had been given some lovely clothes from a friend, good quality stuff not like the normal shite I buy from ASDA (Walmart for the readers in the good old US of A) so I chose a shirt for the night and I posted a picture to prove I hadn’t given them away to charity, now I hate my picture taken (more of that later) I have a face for radio, I avoid it all costs but I needed to say thank you, now I got quite a few likes for the picture (something I’m not used to) believe it or not it made me feel worse I was spiralling quite badly, it didn’t help “Bob” sat licking his lips, I didn’t/don’t think that a fat bloke in a shirt qualifies for all of the likes, thank you, but some of you people need to drink a lot less in the daytime!

The rain didn’t stop all day, now believe it or not this normally cheers me up not today, my lift arrived on time and I entered the vehicle trying to pose as cheerful as possible, making small talk and the discovering that it’s a smaller world than you can imagine (I wont bore you with the details) we struggled to get parked but did eventually, then with a small hike to the venue, once I got there I knew I had made a ghastly mistake, there were people there enjoying themselves “Bob” was having none of it and he sank  his teeth deep into the organ called my brain, it was like being in one of Dante’s circles of hell, cameras all around me and people not taking the hint, I growled and bit at them, even with all of the drink that had been consumed they soon took the hint, I didn’t mind them having a good time, it was a great party, but I simply should not have gone, as the night dragged on, I simply didn’t leave my seat I interacted as little as I could “Bob” was happy, if I had come down with anybody else I would have sneaked away, I didn’t want to drink, I didn’t want to breathe the intoxication of them having a good time, it was good to see people letting their hair down, I didn’t deserve this, I shouldn’t have been there I was an intruder, I’m glad I didn’t drink as I would have been worse and I would have ended up fighting with someone, I nearly did and I was sober, yes it wasn’t good. I had three glasses of water maybe people finally took the hint!

Staff awards, more happiness and fun, more “Bob” food and small talk, more “Bob” I was sitting there hating the world (actually just the small part I inhabit) more small talk, more “Bob” a cabaret act, which meant thankfully people left me alone and I only had to threaten the official photographer once, hey he remembered me from my official work photograph, see I do not have people skills, but I can growl! so they could go and enjoy themselves, good for them, it was like I had been transported to a room full of aliens, happy friendly aliens all the same it simply wasn’t what I  needed at that moment in time! thankfully the night ended and I was able to slide away with very little fuss, outside in the rain “Bob” slinked back ten paces, more small talk and a brief journey home. I said thank you and took a deep  breath before I entered home as I knew “Bob” was already there waiting for me, I wasn’t pleasant company, I wasn’t unpleasant I was simply holding or at least trying to hold “Bob” at arm’s length, thankfully we soon climbed the wooden hill and I was soon in a dreamless state , but I awoke as though I had indeed been on the drink and “Bob” was still sat at the bottom of the bed.

Breakfast and drugs (for my diabetes) and a plan for a blog, turn Farcebook on and I’m still amazed more people liked my photograph, it didn’t help, I was getting angry (WTF is wrong with my head)  watched the wife head off to work, and I went to get some bread and bits and pieces (junk not good for the soul) now as I type this I feel better, “Bob” is in the house I feel his presence, but he is in the dark recesses where I cant see him, maybe eating a double pack of biscuits is all I need to keep him away, I am only joking I know its not healthy as are my black moods, not healthy for me or my friends and loved ones, unfortunately when “Bob” pops up I no longer am in charge of me, I can fight him to the best of my ability, but I usually am the loser.

As of this moment I do feel slightly better, not perfect but slightly better, I will take each little victory in this ongoing war with “Bob” I really hope that I didn’t spoil anybody’s night (well apart from one prick, I hope I really did piss in his gravy) there was a lot of effort put in to try and ensure that the staff get a little reward for all of their hard work they certainly deserve it, well done to everybody for their efforts but I reckon for a much better time don’t let me go to any more, for everybody’s sake!

For the rest of the day I need to ensure that my head is in the right frame of mind for my coming short working week, I need to give my head a shake, I had been doing so well, I am aware that we all go through peaks and troughs, this was the worst downside I had suffered, thankfully not related to my PTSD, no matter what happens the world keeps turning I know I have to pick myself up and dust myself off, do my (mental) exercises be strong for everybody else and make sure I can do the best for them, I’m not in a bad place (and as always there was/is no chance of any self-harm, calm down at the back) I am  as of this moment officially waving not drowning, I know this has been a bleak blog but I needed to spew this on to a page, sometimes it’s the only to clear your head and get rid of the dread! I’m sitting here listening to music playing the new ELO album, its not helping, I’m off to play he whole album from which the blog title is taken from, yes, the name game is in play even for the bleak blogs!

So hopefully I will be able to do another in a couple of days and my intention is to try (I did say try) and make it happier, more than likely a historical one, one can only hope, thank you for all of your kind comments to previous blogs I really wouldn’t be able to do this without the support of you the discerning (blog) reader! So watch the skies for more incoming, keep spreading the disease, like buses there will always be another one in a couple of days, until then……………. Toodles!  

The Lost Weekend

As I get older I realise how much of an idiot I was when I was younger, when I actually had a full of hair and a waistline, I know such a long time ago, we have covered the main reason why I was an idiot, but rarely have I covered some of the many stupid things that occurred.

My first job after the army was working for a firm that had many fingers in many pies, I was supposed to labouring to the electricians for the contracting side of the firm, but I ended up being a dogsbody in the sportswear shop, Bikes, Air Rifles, Saddlery  WTF, I had experience with one of the three, but I hadn’t got a clue about the other two, then there was the model train department, in those days before the internet you were stuck with the stuff you had ordered until some freak turned up to buy the job lot, the company itself was downsizing ,so the toy department ended up in a store room but peeps still knew that they had stuff, so they would rock up when they needed something, I was there about 8 weeks, in that time I was involved in trying to stop a fire (not my fault) nearly assaulted someone who called me a liar (I was a tad aggressive back in the day, I couldn’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag but I had a loud growl) and I was going to be forced to dress like Santa as the usual one came back from lunch drunk, thankfully that wasn’t actually followed through as I probably would have scarred the kids for life! it’s not like I was sober! Needless to say, I was glad when a job with some further education popped up on my radar, I jumped ship at the first opportunity.

I jumped in the January not the best time to be working for the NCB Forestry Department, but I loved it, good honest physical work, I could actually write a blog simply on my time there (maybe later) again I got messed around and after seven months moved on to the dole, the good thing about it though, was I usually could get a drink through the working day (not ideal when dealing with chain saws) if we were out and about and then at the end of the shift I could climb out of the land rover into a pub before going home to a bath and then bed and then to do it all over again the next day! The dole was soul destroying, I would be at the job centre three times a day simply to see what was new, as if there was ever anything new.

I was young dumb and full of drink (most of the time), whilst not working or looking for work, our merry band would be like last of the summer wine, walking around the country side or stomping about industrial estates looking for gainful employment, thankfully drink was cheap (36 pence for a bottle of Double Maxim 18 Pence for a pint of Fed Special) it didn’t take a lot, but I was usually tipsy (me with my reputation) over the weekend and in a bit of a haze, sometimes I tried to drink with the big boys and always failed miserably ( I was seven stone wet through) the big boys would buy a crate for the park (along with some acid for the 2 hours that the pub would be shut, the good old days) or be drinking/snorting whisky in a bloody clowns nose, they know who they are LOL! the best I could do, would be to be annoying, climb a tree or two or eat flowers out of the flower beds in Middle Street.

Now I’m not saying I had a bad time, I didn’t I loved it, loved my friends and generally had a good time, girls occasionally entered the universe but let’s just say I usually (usually is Latin for always) failed miserably, I eventually ended up working for the (queue song) YMCA as an outdoors activity instructor, again a great job with some fab people and payday (Thursday in little wage packets) was fun with a capital F! I always called into the bank first so that I didn’t like some people end up spending all £52, it was always a hoot for us to sod off to the pub, my most fond memory was a lovely person, not quite sober playing the piano to some old dears as they did indoor bowls (he went on to join a well-known black metal group, he knows who he is) and discussing the merits of Maiden doing longer songs, at least I was sober! After that it was random jobs (too few to mention) and I did temp work in music companies who usually had me back from time to time (except Polydor who took exception to me puking in the desk one Friday afternoon (before Christmas) and not telling anybody, when they came back it smelt like death in the whole building, they never had me back! But I don’t think they ever got rid of the damn smell, Oh dear not my problem, falling asleep on the underground upside down, I am so glad that there was no such thing as mobile phones that would have been embarrassing  thankfully I was always with friends, I rarely flew solo in the big city, most of the time I was annoying, sarcastic and a fine purveyor of chaos and mayhem (to be honest I was a light weight in many ways)  the amount of times in the summer (notice I said summer I wasn’t that dumb to attempt it in the winter) I would end walking home from the Mayfair in Newcastle to home in Gimpsville (over 18 miles) because I was blind drunk (blind as in I couldn’t see my lift) the number of times I would wake up in a farmers fields as it had been a warm night and I just wanted to go to sleep, I did scare some people from time to time rising like a corpse from a field of corn, mind you it wasn’t so clever one day when I discovered the farmer in said field with a combine harvester.

I would hitch everywhere (always sober, I was dumb just not that dumb) and I was always choosy about who offered me lifts, thankfully I was always presentable and clean, so I did get a few lifts from families or couples, I rarely took a lift in a truck (dodgy) unless it was a well-known firm from Gimpsville and I knew most of the drivers, not that many stopped, I still remember the same guy waving to me every time he passed me, I had the last laugh as he got pulled over in Gimpsville in his car for what looked like drink driving, the police asked me to move on, I saw him loads after that but never behind the wheel of a vehicle, funny that!

Trains were the worst for  me because I could drink and sleep, the number of times that I fell asleep on a train, I usually made sure that I would travel in a party of friends if it was something important, I remember one new year’s eve running for the train from Newcastle to Durham and just jumping on the train as it was pulling out, oh how the conductor laughed as we asked for singles to Durham when in actual fact it was going to Edinburgh, that was a long cold night in Edinburgh, a great night but still bloody cold, I used to travel to Scunthorpe to visit the favourite members of my family and I was always sober on that train, I needed to be off in Doncaster not some ghastly place 200 miles south of my destination (I did it once never again).

By and large I think I was a pest, it wasn’t meant to be serious and although I still see old friends (I have been back in Gimpsville for over 16 years I have only been out twice with one old friend in that time) maybe I was more than just annoying, I didn’t mean to be, I miss those times dearly some of  my friends have passed, some have moved on, some live simply too far away (I wish we hadn’t come back to Gimpsville in all honesty I love the place, but my friends live miles away) whenever I see my old friends, the ones in Gimpsville I am always sincere and honest with them, maybe they don’t need to have the imagined agro anymore, thankfully I have matured (I have) and the agro has long gone but the world changes and moves on, I love the people in my life I just don’t get to see them as much as I would like to, that’s down to me and the wife not to them, ah look I’m coming on all melancholy!

Another blog, off the cuff and done on the spur of the moment, all derived from a 7 word sentence, I think I’m getting the hang of this blogging lark, well maybe not, again if I spend more time they go to dark places I’m hoping to keep them of a humorous nature, that seems to be the spark that’s needed, I have another four ideas bubbling away, but family time is coming for this weekend, some us time for me and the wife (I can hear her groan with wonderment from here…….not) it has to  be done, no name game this week as it’s a well-known film that has supplied me with the inspiration for this little missive, what can I say except I enjoyed it, enjoy and spread the disease, watch the skies for more incoming and until the very next time ……………..Toodles!

Give up your day job.

Once again, I aint got nothing, I’m as empty as my wallet, I have let my creative juices dry up, I feel like Private Pike as I keep saying to myself “stupid boy” in the voice of Captain Mainwaring and I had been doing so well.

The last cunning plan crashed and burned almost on take-off (I should have known it was never going to be that easy) but rising like a phoenix is the same insane dream just modified with a sense of reality (sort of) regarding the time scale, it’s still a cunning plan, it’s just going to take slightly longer than realised, that gives me a little more time in reality to declutter our lives and to bring the house up to scratch, but rest assured the plan is moving forward. No doubt the further adventures of my lunacy will raise their head as soon as something happens!

I have been incredibly busy at work, so much so that the well has run dry, I can’t multi task or focus on too many things! I still have ideas and sparks of blogs, but by the time I get to resolve my idea and commit to paper, its so watered down the magic has gone from it! To rectify that I have bought two little black books (not to be carried at the same time) to carry with me so that I can jot down those little sparks of an idea! I honestly was never a boy scout, but I do like to be prepared, who knew!

Family life is spiralling at the moment with all of us so busy there is hardly the chance to catch our breath, thankfully the youngest is catching our coat tails and putting us back on the right line, every little helps, the pooch is also doing his best to bring cheer to us all and greets who ever rocks up to the front door with a wag of his tail, thankfully bonfire night wasn’t too stressful for him even though it was like the battle of the Somme on the night itself! (another part of the reason for the cunning plan to crash and burn quite literally).

I will admit to avoiding the TV as much as possible as “Brexit (as in couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery) is incredibly annoying, round them all up put them in a field, and simply leave them there, I’m not wishing anybody any ill will. It’s simply just those people who look after themselves (I wish I got subsidised bait at work) the money jockeys are only looking after themselves (again), I knew that this would happen, hence the reason for avoiding Brexit, I have no intention of discussing this on this particular medium (actually on any medium for that matter), I don’t think that the FBI would help me with any death threats that might come my way, well at least on that subject matter!

Now as we rush headlong into the least favourite part of the year, my birthday and Christmas all in the mix, I cant wait for the 30^th of December to say hiccy burpday to the Mrs, I know that she needs some cheering up, that’s why I keep buying her flowers of late,  I haven’t done anything wrong I just wish to ease her ride through the rich tapestry that we call life, I can be a nice person when I try, I know I need to try a little harder, at least for the wife’s sake, bless her!

I’m hoping that by doing this spontaneous blog the juices erupt like Vesuvius (ooer missus) that does sound wrong even as I read it back to myself, hey ho its done now, I intend to tinker over the weekend to complete something more meaningful, on that note I have decided to try and finally publish “The Whalers Dues” no later than New Year’s day, fingers crossed. It’s taken me longer to finish this particular blog than it has taken George RR Martin has to complete game of scones, at least I think that’s what his series of books are called, I’m not sure, as I’m old and infirm and don’t seem to have much recall these days! I have decided on a path hopefully not full of bitterness and bile, I hope it’s as good as I have thought it was, if not I have wasted a shit load of time trying to polish this particular turd, who knows let’s see how it goes. As always, I’m sure that you all will be vocal and tell me!

The old blogs have been ticking away with most days in double figures for the older ones, someone must be bored as they trawl through the classics (cough splutter) that’s part of the reason why I haven’t put pen to paper (so to speak) why spoil a good thing I would hate to over burden you the discerning reader, music is the order of the day with playing more and more just to fill the void of TV, I have no intention of resorting to Drag Race like the wife does (and yes I knew it wasn’t about cars) life is far too short to waste what little time I have in my life (me full of doom and gloom …..never) I’m sure that it will come out in the wash!

And yes the name game is in play!

So that’s the spur of the moment blog done, already I can feel the juices starting to bubble (no its not flatulence…..hang on it might be) thanks for all the kind words and messages at least none of you have thought I was in a deep dark place, I was I simply have some tools to deal with it so hopefully I am a ray of sunshine to my friends and family (again cough splutter) keep spreading the disease and watch the skies as there will be one arriving a lot quicker than this one, I will post as soon as this one starts to run out of steam, I know you all would like some consistency, so do I let’s see how I do (again I’m sure you will all be vocal) so until the next one………..Toodles!

Living for the City

As I get older my brain is not what it used to be, at times I have a crystal clarity for an obscure B-side of a single from 1976, but as a rule my head is a shed (full of shit) lots of stuff in there and no rhyme or reason as to what I should do with it, sometimes it makes for some great conversations with some great people sometimes I can shut people down as they haven’t got a clue, my fave all time argument was when a doofus at work said that “under pressure” by Queen actually appeared on “a night at the opera” oh how I laughed then destroyed that individual, they don’t “chat” to me about music anymore (stick to Westlife you sad sack of shit).  What has this to do with today’s blog well read on and see for yourself!

Lets go back to June / July of 1984, way before I met my first wife when I was still young free and single  ( I was always single) my friend Steve Ridley was dating a girl who had a friend who was nice but she didn’t want to date anyone and neither did I, we constantly kept getting sat next to each other and it was purely platonic, we never saw each other unless we were in the company of said friends, now to my eternal shame I cannot remember the girls name for love or money and believe me I have racked my brain, over the course of about seven months we used to end up talking to each other virtually every weekend (Paula is the name that sticks the most but I wouldn’t stake money on it so let’s stick with Paula). My friends had gone off to see Stevie Wonder on the previous tour and I hadn’t, he was too sweet for my taste, I know people raved about him but his current material was simply not my cup of tea!

Anyway Steve and his girlfriend were going to see him 1984 and he begged me to get  tickets for “Paula”  I really didn’t want to go but hey ho good friend and all that and she was good company most of the time, I intended to disappear off to the bar at the first opportunity and she was fine with that, trouble was I didn’t have tickets so I was going to have to beg to  get on the guest list, something I hated doing but I had a good contact and he had never let me down so far, This time Pete said no from the offset, WTF, “I Know what you are like you will pester me for the rest of the tour” to which I replied ”shut the front door me and Stevie Wonder I don’t bloody think so!” anyway the top and bottom of it I manged to wangle the tickets, I had  never been to Brighton before but we would make a day of it.

We started off early on a train full of Stevie Wonder fans all heading in the right direction and I was a good boy I wasn’t drinking before 12 which for me was a bloody miracle at that point in my life, we had some lunch a couple (ok more than a couple) of drinks we then headed to the venue, Steve had obviously used the same source to get tickets as were sat together as a group and I stared intently at my watch wanting to sod off to the bar, small talk was not my thing and I had a fancy that Steve’s romance was heading to the rocks, no arguments but it simply slipped its moorings and headed off in disinterest!

If there was a support we didn’t get there in time to see them (thank the lord) and then the lights dimmed and the show started, what a revelation, now there will not be a rundown of the set list as I don’t remember (hells bells it was over 35 years ago) but the whole show was a revelation from start to finish, yes there were one or two tracks I wasn’t a fan of (I just called to say I love you…..spew)  but on the whole I knew just about every song (how the hell did that happen) but I didn’t know the names or how I knew them!  the set was great and the band were awesome I had a fab time and as it came to an end all I could think of was “I wonder how many other shows I could  get to see” we headed back to catch the train back to London and who was sat at the front , yes Pete with a lovely young lady friend, it was time to be a pest! I was greeted with “Fuck Off” not a nice way to start as all I had wanted to do was say thank you for getting me in, a little bit of banter back and forth (all in good humour) I was on the guest list for the Earls Court shows, now how was I going to get into the Wembley Shows, each time I saw the show I saw some other nuance that I had missed previously, the only thing that concerned me was when the star of the show tried to stand on his keyboard set up and dance, obviously well-rehearsed but boy did it give me the heebie geebies!  

Wembley was a harder nut to crack and I had to wait until the day of the gig and do the walk of shame up to the box office every day, something I have always hated doing, said my name “nope you aren’t on it” spell it all the variants that ignorant people use, there I was the Dutch way of spelling it and then I was in, all by myself having a (sober) whale of a time! I saw the tour 6 times and every show was awesome, I never saw or heard of Paula again, Steve’s relationship barely survived the train journey home! Did I go and collect Mr Wonder’s discography, hell no, can I name the songs that I enjoyed, that’s a double hell no, I was simply entranced by the sheer joy of the music and atmosphere of the gigs! I never went to see Mr Wonder again and if I’m honest I probably wouldn’t want to those six shows kind of did for me.

How was that for you, although the name game is in play even the star of the show should get it, this one is late simply because the last one is still trending good numbers, now after 4 in quick succession I intend to slow the pace as I have some cunning plans to carry out, but the juices are flowing so if something pops up you never know, thank you for all of the kind comments for the last one which was completed on the spur of the moment kind of deal, it did ok as well not fab but the serious ones rarely do, I hope you enjoyed this one, watch the skies for incoming and keep spreading the disease until the next time …..Toodles!

With a Little Help From My Friends

I actually have a historical musical blog hot to trot in the wings, but for once I intend to be a responsible adult, yes, I know me with my reputation, its not a down in the dumps blog, its simply holding out a helping hand for anybody who needs it!

I’m no longer drowning; I am actually waving!

If  you have been reading these blogs you will know that I have been suffering/suffer from mental health issues, I’m not the only one out there, again I am doing a lot better than I was, I don’t think that I will ever be cured, but I did the right thing and got help.

It took me over 32 years before I asked for help, something I had avoided (please see the blogs that I wrote as I underwent my treatment) for so long with me and my friends and family suffering along the way in various degrees, I was ashamed, I have no reason why, the issue wasn’t caused by me, I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, it took me over 30 years of torturing myself to realise that!

I completed a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)course, this was meant to be 12 weeks, it lasted 22, I had issues and I simply stopped denying it, I asked for help, nobody was more surprised about it than me, am I cured? hell no, but I have less traumatic episodes and my life is now as normal as it probably will be, every day I continually still relive the same six minutes of a particular episode in my life, but I now have some tools to help me cope with them on a daily basis.

I am more open about my condition than I have ever been, I actually talk about it, allegedly if you bottle something up for over 32 years its not good for a person, who knew! Along the way some awesome people actually stopped, they didn’t have to but they did, they stopped along the way of life and picked me up, I may not see them very often (barely at all these days, thankfully not because I am hiding) but I love those people dearly, no names no pack drill, if I can help just one person in the way that you guys helped me, then it will have been worth it, I have no intention of putting the spotlight on those individuals, except to say thank you, you all saved me from doing something stupid!

No I was never thinking of self-harm, although abusing alcohol to numb the pain was something that was abused from time to time, these people kept me on the straight and narrow when in a confused state I simply didn’t care, I was simply trying to dull the pain, from the moment I got up until I crawled back up the wooden hill in a stupor to suffer all over again with a sleepless night, its amazing what punishment the human body will take! I now realise that some of my friends are in a similar position people who outwardly are doing great, but inwardly are in a knock down drag out fight with themselves and they are losing in the 11^th round.

I have no magic wand, but if I can help I will help, I know simply by reading some of the messages that you people send me that there is a lot of pain out there, ask for help, you will be surprised at the help you will get, some people might be abrupt with you, that’s fine that’s just their way but nobody (unless they are evil selfish bastards) will not reach out to help you.

If I can help please reach out I’m no expert, but it helps to talk it helps to lift the burden of weight from your shoulders, these are proud people but even proud people need help, they may not know what it is that is dragging them down, but please simply reach out, if not to me then to someone who cares for you, someone that you trust, simply ask for help, if you don’t its more than you that suffers in the long run, there is no quick fix, you have to pick up every single day and run with it, if you can do that then you are well on your way!

That ends the lesson for today, you have to be open and honest with the ones that you love allow them to enter your life completely the person who loses in the end is you, don’t be conflicted it helps  it really does, you can get better if I can anybody can, I mean that I had some dark days in my life I howled at the moon on a regular basis, I still have the occasional speed bump in the road, but now life is worth living, I’m not stupid enough to realise I stand alone, if you have family love them, they will love you back, love is not the enemy! I have a simple credo that I use every single day, as long as I wake up happy, I can take just about handle anything life decides to throw at me.

This may have been written on the spur of the moment, but we all need help at some point in our lives, we are all isolated at some point and I intend to help anybody  that I can, I intend to show people the love and respect that I was shown, I reached out to the lifeboat of life and I was hauled aboard by people who had there own issues, but they gave a damn enough about mine to help, we all can help someone!

Hold on Pain Ends!

Toodles!

God I’m starting to sound like a bloody hippy, hang on I need to give my head a shake!

Normal service will be resumed with the next blog!

Sometimes

Sometimes when I get up early all I do is contemplate belly button fluff………. sometimes!

Sometimes I wonder why the papers obsess about Meghan Markle………. Like I do about custard creams!

Sometimes I wonder why hair grows on my body in obscure place yet not on my head……...as if!

Sometimes I wonder why I can only use scissors in my right hand………. because I have never tried them in my left Doofus!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m compulsive……compulsively!

Sometimes I wonder why Elton john thought that Saturday was the only night for fighting…...and not any other night?

Sometimes I make a noise when I stand up…... and it’s not flatulence…...sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder why I am always putting my t-shirt on backwards even though there’s a 50/50 chance I will get it right……ok 70/30!

Sometimes I put my right shoe on first…... and sometimes my left one on first, go figure!

Sometimes I wonder why people vote against their own interest…... because they is dumb!

Sometimes I eat from the fridge…... what do you mean sometimes!

Sometimes I wonder why I vote against my own self-interest…...because I is dumb!

Sometimes I pad about the house like a burglar…... hence this blog!

Sometimes I wonder why people who believe in an omnipotent all seeing, all knowing eternal and infinite god of love can be angry……because we is dumb ass’s!

Sometimes my dog makes me happy……. Who am I kidding he makes me happy all of the time!

Sometimes I wonder if my dog is messing with me……every single day

Sometimes I wonder do I like myself……. every day

Sometimes I wonder do I hate myself……. Sometimes

Sometimes I get emotional……over food!

Sometimes I wonder if fast forwarding through the adverts makes me a better person……. hell yeah!

Sometimes I wonder who the hell reads this stuff……. thank god you lot do

I hope you enjoy this I know it’s a little different, until the next one……Toodles!

War in my mind

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Cold Sweat

It was the night before Christmas and not a thing was stirring…………ok maybe not, but at the time I was giddy as a boy scout on Christmas eve! as always I seem to have gotten a head of myself lets go back to the start, which truthfully was not a very good start.

Work had been a pain, I had been away for my course and then spent the following week trying to catch up, not complicated, just busy, on the Friday I had an appointment for fasting bloods first thing so I was able to travel in with the wife to work, which I happened to think was excellent, however the day was starting off with ominous omens, a single magpie (one for sorrow) Friday the 13^th, my phone ringing off the hook (but thankfully on silent) and nuggets attempting to drive (badly) in our way. I had agreed to hang back and travel homewards with the wife so hopefully a good start to our week off together!

The day dragged with some minor complications for me, I was thankful when the wife was ready to leave, I soon realised that it wasn’t going to be a happy journey home, she was in a foul mood and no matter what I said or did helped the situation, I was simply making matters worse, by now I had given up, I get it if she doesn’t like my advice she is an adult, however I do not like being spoken to in a raised voice (shouting I mean I was being polite) so I returned the compliment and it didn’t go down well, I could see this was spiralling out of control (probably our worst argument ever and one that could have been avoided) she snapped and pulled the car over and told me to get out, I didn’t need a second invitation, I got out and marched away (double quick time, I know how to march quickly I was in the infantry) deep breathing all the way, childishly I slammed the door I knew I had lost the plot as soon as I heard it slam into position.

I kept marching away at a really good pace I was soon out of sight, but no doubt not out of mind, I thought that the car would come up behind me and we would get over it sulk for the night and then come out of our respective corners in the morning feeling better for sleeping on it.  I heard a car toot and as I turned around I was surprised to see my boss who was trying drag me in the car , which was nice but I was still annoyed so declined the offer and kept on with my forced march, still no contact I decided that I would use the Derwent walk and yes I walked the 12 miles at double quick time, losing the madness with each step of the way, I was unhappy though and I couldn’t shake that feeling, was this the end, I truly didn’t know and I wouldn’t until I got  home, nearing the bottom of the hill to Gimpsville I realised I had made a bad mistake, my knees were now in agony and I still had the hard bit to do, when I got home I was actually happy to see that at least the car was parked up and that the wife hadn’t had an accident due to her upset state of mind!

I half expected to see a pile of my crap next to the front door , I would have accepted it as well, no matter how much we argue, my only wish is for the wife to be happy, but at some point I have to realise that if she is unhappy then so will I be, and that’s not good for me, I soon realised this was not the point this time she was in tears when I got in and we kind of patched things up, not perfect but at least we were on the same page and wanting the same things……………….peace!

Saturday and Sunday glided along with many cunning plans and other things going slightly astray (just don’t mention petrol) fences were mended but everything was tender and raw, I was home alone on the Saturday night as the ladies went out to celebrate the youngest’s 25^th birthday, they went off to see some drag queens (sorry not my cup of tea) I sat and did some reading and did some prep for the coming blog and munched through crap, my stomach felt off, I was hoping that it was just a blip!

Sunday I awoke at silly o clock with my mysterious exploding (from both ends) disease, and it got worse through the day, by close of play I simply wanted to die, I was as weak as a Kitten actually if I had been a kitten a vet would have put me down, cancellation of the trip was a reality, thankfully through the night I was better, walking wounded not perfect, but I was feeling human (just) we took the pooch off to his holiday home, he didn’t even look back as he was led away the ungrateful whelp! back home we packed and sorted the car out for an early start, I awoke early (me with my reputation) fingers crossed, I was still human, the trip was a go!

The name of the blog changed in the course of the trip it was originally going to be called “Panzer Division Destroyed”, a Budgie song before you decide to Google it, it was finally decided to call it “Cold Sweat” for a number of reasons firstly the first part of the trip down south looked as though it was taking me back to Dudley……oh hell no! we even stopped at the same services I was glad once we got past Birmingham.

I had a bath and then made breakfast for the sleeping beauties upstairs, we even left on time which is unusual for us, we then traveled southwards peacefully and visited at least 32 WHSmith’s well that what it felt like, I cracked a small tooth less than 8 miles from our front door (no surprise there then) we took a slow but steady approach to the journey as our designated driver needed plenty of stops to stretch her back, she did fantastic as well as there was hardly any swearing at all, we thought she had been swapped for a doppelganger! Doughnuts were bought for her as a treat because she had been so good, We arrived at the hotel to find it was on a main street and parking was first come first served, we were able to slot into the last spot thankfully a full-blown atomic explosion was avoided, the hotel was alright, it had obviously been an old coaching house, with oodles of history, the eating area had obviously been recently refurbished but the bedroom had a slightly worn feel to it, the bed was a cause for concern for the designated driver, we would have to cross that bridge when we came to it. We decide to have our evening meal within the hotel before venturing out and about, the food was nice however I thought that the price was outrageous, I was soon to discover that the whole area was off the map price wise, I know I’m from the north but the prices were ridiculous £5 for a pint of Guinness ( I must keep an eye out for a spoons) after the meal myself and my wallet staggered out the door.

 We had a smooch around the town centre and it was actually quite nice, in a holiday kind of way. Rest assured we discovered other eateries (but no spoons) slightly cheaper than the hotel, that’s a cunning plan for tomorrow, we sat and watched the ducks and the swans, the wife spotted an orange fish, turns out it was a reed (Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse won’t be inviting her to join them on any fishing trips LOL) we headed back to the room for a relatively quiet night, all of us peeps were tired after the long trip, me I just wanted to crack on. And somebody got hob nob crumbs in the bed and it wasn’t me I didn’t eat any!

It really was like Christmas eve as I was awake at 04.00 in the morning wide awake simply wanting to open my present, I had to wait for the other two, if my legs hadn’t been so sore, I probably would have been happy to head off on shanks pony! I hadn’t noticed the town hall clock directly outside the hotel but the wife and daughter did bless them, every hour on the hour LOL, I don’t mind clocks mind you I am slightly obsessed about time in all its forms! I used my MP3 player until everybody else stirred and we got sorted and headed for breakfast, a full English which was OK, we all did swapsies as some people didn’t want certain items, but I simply wanted to hit the road, we still had time to kill, we all read or played distractedly with mobile devices, we checked the distance to the museum and not long after 09.15 we were on our way arriving at our destination  just after 09.35, thankfully there was tons of stuff to look at within the car park areas, it was like my birthday and Christmas all rolled into one, I don’t normally get excited over much, I know that I can be a very boring person, I don’t even have a bucket list I awake everyday waiting for the reaper to come and collect me, in a non-morbid kind of way honest! this took me back to being a kid of about 7, I was blissfully happy, the lovely lady opened the doors and we were off, now I’m not going to go into great details about the various tanks and the such like, I will say that as I arrived at the ramp for the main hall I honestly thought the wife was going to slap me to keep me under control as I saw a Panther Panzer (OMG) thankfully we didn’t come to blows as we did the tour we took pictures, we viewed, I had a smile on so wide it could be viewed from space! We did the Tiger collection, twice, we then had an early light lunch and then I went berserk in the gift shop, I did a wife thing I bought whatever I wanted, to be honest I was a good boy I didn’t spend as much I thought I might, but it did indeed feel strange me being allowed to spend my hard earned cash!

And as soon as that it was done as I headed back to the car I was indeed a happy boy, I very rarely make requests but I’m glad that I did this time and I have to say a huge thank you to the youngest as she paid for the hotel and the tickets (which last a year, woo hoo me coming back…….maybe) we passed Monkey World on the way out I’m glad they didn’t want to call in I might have been kept in, who wants to pay £60 for the three of us to watch monkeys through shite around, I can do that every day at work, only kidding, but let’s do it next time,  and then we had a slow drive into Poole, with only one slight detour, which was lovely and did I say that the weather was stunning!

I found a record shop and probably for the first time ever in my life I didn’t find anything I wanted to buy (WTF) to be honest it was rather naff, we headed down to the harbour and had an ice cream, well isn’t that not what tourists do? We then had a cunning plan to make sure we all got a couple of cups of tea each we headed to the local asda to get a small carton of milk, came away with £40 worth of T-shirts including a Kiss one for the wife, go figure, at least Gene $immon$ will be happy! Once back in the room we had a short respite before heading out for food, we ended up in the Quay Inn were we all had a starter, then finished up with fish and chips, yes it was expensive, still cheaper than the hotel, yes it was lovely, just to do something a little different I actually felt connected to this spinning ball we call earth! we headed back up the slight incline and had a quiet evening I was the first asleep, I had been a good boy all day, I needed some peeps!

We all awoke around the same time it was our longest lie in of the trip we were all awake for 07.00, off for breakfast and trying to keep the youngest at arm’s length as she had turned into a snot monster and was suffering, we all did passy the breakfast items, some items didn’t agree with certain peeps, back to the room and packed all the items stowed away and then to hit the road, the daughter handed the key back and we waved farewell to Wareham, we started on our journey home in good spirits, it didn’t last long, Downton Abbey is filmed in this part of the world and we saw signs directing us, “shall we go” the wife asked in a jovial manner (danger danger danger) “hell no” I replied in an even jollier manner, we drove on.

At the first stop at the first opportunity the wife told me in no uncertain terms that she had wanted to go, it seemed like we had returned very quickly to the previous Friday! I soon pointed out that I thought she had been joking, I also pointed out (danger danger danger) that as she was the driver, she was in charge, I might as well kicked a dozing Lion right up the arse, at this point the trip was poisoned if my legs hadn’t been screwed up from the previous Friday’s sponsored walk I would have gladly grabbed my coat and fucked off right there and then and gladly walked the rest of the way back. After all the fuss it turns out that the bloody place wasn’t even open (WTF all that grief for nothing) I relegated myself to the back seat and kept a low profile, I was trying really hard to be a responsible adult, I don’t think it worked, the youngest picked up the vibe virtually straight away, I don’t do subtle…………….allegedly! it turns out that once the wife had vented her spleen she forgot all about it (yeah right) while I sat and festered in the back of the car, it wasn’t a pleasant return trip, we were also all concerned as we received a call from the kennels saying that the pooch had picked up an injury, we weren’t too bothered as it had happened before we knew what to do about it.

Once home we dropped into our respective spaces and kept everybody at a safe distance, watched some TV and vegged out, we were glad of our own pits once we had climbed the wooden hill, I felt for the snot monster as she was up to go to work at 5 in the morning I slept until 08.00 a bloody long lie in for me. We had our normal breakfasts and then had a slow trip to pick up the dog, he was pitiful when we got there, he had ran his pads raw bless him, he has slept on and off for nearly 48 hours he is only now coming back to life.

And that’s the jaunt, we had a mostly good time, something me and the wife need to work out though as I’m still crippled from the weeks half marathon, the wife and the youngest daughter are out to see Stephen Fry tonight me I have to prep to return to work in the morning I haven’t checked any emails at all in the last week, I am dreading heading back in, then a trip to Manchester for work and duty manager all next weekend, I will need a week off to recover from all of that lot! I did a lot of work on this one as I didn’t want bile to obliterate all of the good stuff that happened, it took me nine months to save for the trip, and I spent virtually penny within four days, and you know what if felt bloody good, now back to hum drum and to plot the next thing, the wife is going to sulk as I have asked her to contribute if we are indeed to return to that neck of the woods, nothing much just something for the fuel costs, I can see another battle ahead, until the next time……………………………..Toodles