Honesty

I should have completed this yesterday, I’m being honest as that’s what the blog is about, I really couldn’t be arsed, I had a couple of days leave, and I intend to do a few things in an around the house but I awoke to a serious case of Tonsillitis, my get up and go had got up and buggered off!

I have written (once or twice) about my health and mental health and I have to be honest with myself more than anyone else it feels like that I have been waging a losing war! I do not intend to give up the good fight, however it has not been as easy as I was hoping it would be. I had an appointment at the quacks regarding my diabetes and although they are happy with my progress, I’m not, I always set higher standards for myself (it’s part of my main issue) and I always struggle to maintain those standards, unfortunately this time I have to not only achieve the standard, I need to surpass them, my weight has become stagnated, it’s a slow slippery slope back to comfort eating and not giving a damn, that’s not a good look I can assure you. I have another appointment on Christmas eve, and I am determined to have lost weight by then, if I haven’t it might have to a more drastic approach.

It has weighed heavily on my shoulders and it seems as though I have been  swimming against the tide, although I have been confident, I feel as though I have lied to myself, and I need to redouble my efforts, because of this my mental health has slipped ever so slightly, again this is an issue regarding my weight and my diabetes, thankfully my PTSD has been kept at bay and I seem to be doing  well with regards to that particular issue, but there are other issues picking away at me like a scab that I don’t seem to be able to resolve, nothing serious, it just means that my confidence is leaching away, once this happens it’s a downward spiral, thankfully I’m not quite there yet, but I have been teetering on the edge, I doubt it will take much to tip me over, but I am working to be that better person that I always strive to be.

I have been doing quite a bit of reading on how to deal with these issues, mental exercises to keep me in the present, not to float off back to more darker times. the fact that I can admit to having  an issue is the best thing that I can do, I don’t really want to go back and ask for a course of treatment as I feel that there are many more people out there who need assistance than I do, and I know how long it would take for me to go through the ritual of going cap in hand asking for help, that is not me putting road blocks in the way I simply know how the system works, if I genuinely thought I needed help I would ask, I’m a dumb ass about a lot of things, my health is not one, I should have asked for help a long time ago, but I didn’t so I now have to bounce backwards and forwards dealing with the crap in my head, I would say I’m a good 60% better than I was  before ,at the least the ship isn’t sinking anymore, however if the bilge pumps stopped being efficient, I would most surely suffer.

I get emotional now, something I never did before, I was told I had a lack of empathy towards most things in my orbit, it doesn’t take me much to feel emotion starting to rise, at times I get swamped by it, as I simply do not know what to do with it, as usual I hear the voice in my head saying “suck it up butter cup” sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, as always as long as I wake up happy I can just about get through most days, sometimes I’m a tad distant but then again I think I always was.

I’m aware of friends and colleagues suffering with issues, I know the signs now, purely because I have from time to time gone through similar issues, I don’t think that I’m particularly good at helping people but at least I do try, I always start at the same point: -

Hold

On

Pain

Ends

Its true HOPE sounds strange but it’s the one thing that gets me through, because the crap does at some point end, its crap at the time and it does feel like it goes on and on and on, eventually  it does end, but then at some point it will all start again, it’s how you as an individual deal with it, you need to have some kind of positivity in your life, even just a smidgen at the starting point, you need to have good friends, and I know I do, I simply live far too far away from them for them to help as much as they could, I’m not one to ring people (I’m not a fan of the telephone I believe it’s the work of the devil) but every now and again I receive a phone call out of the blue and it’s so good to know that somebody thought of you just for a second on something that some people might consider inconsequential but to me it’s everything.

Keep your friends close, your family too if you have to, I know not all families are happy, so start with your friends and take it from there, help people , smile, say hello, you would be surprised what good it will do, there are more people suffering from mental health issues than ever before, if you do not suffer congratulations to you and hopefully you will never suffer, but they say at least 80% of people at some point in their life will need assistance in some way or another, so stay strong and if you can lend a hand, lend a shoulder or let them bend an ear it costs nothing to listen.

The last blog was the best of the year (numbers wise) and it’s still going fairly strong! Some people took the blog the wrong way, although I wasn’t in the best fettle, but I was attempting to right the ship, and I kind of succeeded, in a way, I am pumping (literally)  the bilge pumps, manfully holding me above waves, life is crap but I don’t care, I can have my off days, but it’s all peaks and troughs at the moment I am upward bound, it’s the downhill slope that I am trying to avoid.

I promise that this will be the last introspective one for a while, I do intend to do some historical ones in the coming weeks, although there may be a slight gap between this and the next one as I have 12 days of hell (not Christmas) before I get a day of with many other things needing to be carried out in between, so needs must, I shall be running silent and attempting to run deep ( I say this and never do) and again attempting to be a mature adult (cough splutter) and help the wife and my kids and my grandkids (yes even grandkids can have issues trust me) then friends and to be honest I am a soft touch I will do anything I can to help people, honestly I am not trying to avoid my own issues, until the next time, keep watching the skies and keep spreading the disease, as I always say at the end of these missives……….Toodles!