Mental Ward

Before we go any further yes, the name game is in play, this is not a blog mocking anybody, its quite the opposite, but the song sprang to mind whilst I was on a course this week!

Some of you might realise  I have had a few (cough splutter) issues over the years and thanks to a fab support system, I have indeed been helped, now I’m not saying I’m cured by any stretch of the imagination, but the tools I have in  my tool kit have helped me get a little better, not perfect but a work in progress.

Most people including my self do hide their conditions, we don’t wish to be judged, believe it or not some people have a tendency to be not nice, thankfully it’s not like the good old days, a lot of you have a better understanding about these issues simply because people probably know some one who is going through some kind of emotional turmoil, the figures are truly staggering, no I’m not going to bore you if you have interest go look it up (the “Mind” website is a great place to start) now don’t panic I’m not going to get all preachy this  is simply a small missive …..well simply because I can!

Obviously I have an interest, it took me 32 years to ask for help, I’m so glad that I did, as I really was heading down a rabbit hole with nothing tethering me to the real world, again with great support (you all know who you are) my wife has been the best tether into the real world anybody could ask for. I was able to overcome this particular hurdle, some of these people who helped me had their own issues, unknown to me at the time. I asked for help and got it, I was very grateful and yes I blogged the hell out of it, I still do and more than likely will as long as I have the condition (so that’s for life then) I have also taken an active interest in learning more so that I can offer the same support that I received, I’m not so selfish as to not want to help anybody (and I do mean anybody I know who has problems)  who needs help.

The course had been on  the cards since the beginning of the year and I had forgotten all about it, other issues in the work scheme of things, I received a reminder with the timetable for the day, I was nervous, was I going to play well with others, I travelled to the destination (not my usual place of work) and was greeted with people who seemed pleased to see me as well as the folk from my place of work, then we began, no I’m not going to deliver a blow by blow account of the course it was informative, the lady who delivered the course was very good and it wasn’t simply death by power point, I soon realised that a number of other  people who I work with had issues, their masks slipped, in a good way and they were supported in an even better way, as always legal matters are broached, to be honest it nearly derailed the course but the lady in charge really was in charge and got us back on track, she covered a number of topics with great relevant information and although she touched on my condition she didn’t labour on it, that made me happy.

At the end of the course I had had enough , I was drained emotionally, thankfully not in a negative way, for a change, I went to say thank you as I had indeed enjoyed the course, and like a bolt out of the blue she asked me “how I was coping with my PTSD?” WTF, it turns although it had been barely mentioned I was super focused on the subject, damn she was good, I slipped away after saying my thanks, others were going for a drink, it appears I was noticed as being missing in action, again in a good way, I will admit to having slept virtually all the way home, I was drained but for once it was a good feeling!

The aftermath and conversations the day after were interesting and again multiple support teams were built, there were far more people jealous of not being on the course than I imagined, for once I was glad to have taken part in a great course, for something that I think will simply be a much bigger issue in the years to come, I hope in a good way for everybody concerned whether that be at work or in my personal life!  

The blog has been astonishing in numbers and kind comments and its an even split for those who wish the historical ones and those who seem to be here because they enjoy the “style” their words of choice not mine, I’m not even sure that I had a style, but hey ho you learn something new every day, I don’t think that’s a bad thing either! I have started to filter and get rid of things that I have stockpiled for future blogs, I do intend to finish at 500 (please see previous blogs) so I don’t think I need everything that is stockpiled, my one concern is that the kraken keeps coming over and tidying up when I’m not here, my main book has been misplaced, with some great ideas which I would like to finish, I’m being good about it though as I know it will surface at some point (I hope).

So things appear to be on an even keel, that in itself is a frightening thing, our trips to the outside world haven’t been as much as I would like however I have been saving some pennies for a trip away in September and the wife well, she is spending what she wants when she wants (so no change there then) we will be making visits in the next couple of weeks (honest) but you lot do have your own lives we catch on to the tails of your comets at some point, that’s a threat and a promise……..incoming!

There you have it a man at peace (well sort of) on a Sunday morning the family have been fed and pushed out the door off to work, me I’m going to have a day doing what I do best. listening to lots of music and I might do a little bit of work (only because it suits me) I have some household chores to carry out and then to chillax before the marauding hordes return from their places of work expecting food and nourishment, so enjoy the blog, your day , the weather, your loved ones, family and pets I know I intend to and yes I know I usually come across as a pessimist, today so far I am being an optimist lets see how long that lasts, so once again keep the comments coming, keep spreading the disease, it’s the only way this grows, its simply if you guys (and gals) hit like or what ever you lot do, so watch the skies for more incoming, but until the next time……………………..Toodles!

Jealousy

So, the last blog (quite literally an hour ago) blasted through the internet like a rocket it would I appear to have hit a nerve, not my intention, I was simply spewing my weekly melancholic blog!

Again, the numbers are still climbing however I got a shit load of comments 99.9% of which I don’t publish, I don’t wish to have another Redneck infestation, please see previous blogs if you don’t know why! The split is about 50 – 50 as to I shouldn’t hate my father and the fact that I should forgive him, well to be honest I don’t hate him, how can you hate someone who simply vanished 45 years ago, more than likely he is worm food somewhere as he would be in his 80’s! Again how can I forgive him if he is not present in my life, I do admit to pangs of jealousy when I see people posting on Farcebook how great their dads were, again I get the fact thatI had some pretty damn good male role models in my life growing up, I simply didn’t know it at the time, but the main reason behind the last blog if I’m honest is, I would have liked to have been given the opportunity to choose if I hated him or if I wanted to forgive him.

I honestly as a kid didn’t think a great deal about it as I was growing up, I was a kid, I had enough shit going on without adding to it, you know normal kid stuff, so yeah forgive  me if I didn’t think of him I got the impression that he didn’t think of me go figure! At least I had music music and then a bit more music!

If he did have another family and I certainly don’t begrudge him that right, why did he simply choose to ignore us where we that inconsequential to him, I’m sure there are many factors that I have not been made aware of but until they are presented to me, my view on my relationship with a person who kind of didn’t exist will stay the same, I am not after building something that obviously was never there, I never got the impression that he cared for me when he was around, I believe my brother was probably more affected than me as there was a better connection, shared interest’s ,simply because of age and the fact that my brother is the spitting double of him, my brother got everything from my dad except a full head of hair, LOL you can guess what I got!

I suppose I do have the right to be bitter if I so desire, but to be honest I’m not, I was upset about 20 years ago for a couple of weeks but then I simply let it go, as I get older I try not to let bitterness into my life, I have enough problems without fabricating more and let them dictate the way I feel! Sometimes though and it is very rare I wonder why he did what he did, I have always assumed rightly or wrongly with the information that I have to hand, and yes I know it to be biased, I am assuming that there was mental health issues, without further data I cannot improve on what I know or feel, it is the one thing I genuinely do not hold a grudge for, I mean what is the point.

I don’t hold a grudge against anybody having a great relationship with their dad good luck to them, I can see that some of them have become awesome parents simply because that they indeed had a strong father figure in their lives! Good luck to you one and all, and yes, I know at times when I blog on this particular subject there is a certain sense of paranoia creeping in, I don’t need to be told, I know I’m a dumb ass!

So 2 blogs in less than an hour you now how to make an old man that little bit happier , the day can only get worse, lets see how this one does compare to the last one, and as always yes the name game is in play, until the next one (and no there wont be another one today) keep the comments coming even if I don’t publish them all, I no w need to lie down as I have a number of chores to complete, typical bloody blogs got in the way……………Toodles!

Father Figure

Its that day of the year where we celebrate 50% of the people who bring us up, for me I try not to look backwards for this particular person!

I didn’t have a particular hard upbringing, my mother had 2 growing boys to bring up, she did her best and I know she had it a lot harder than me and my brother will ever know, she was even after her stroke a tower of strength, I cant say much about my father as he simply wasn’t around, the fact that I haven’t seen him in over 45 years kind of sums it up.

He allegedly moved away from us, I have no intention of mentioning the lies, I do know he was close enough for me to drive past his place of living when I came out of the army, I didn’t discover this fact until twenty years down the line, call me naïve but I’m betting others knew he was there but didn’t share the information, at a time when I needed help all I know was that he simply wasn’t there!

Did this effect the way I brought my kids up, probably but hopefully in a good way, having said that I have a feeling I was too hard on them too much like an NCO at times than a  loving parent, simply because I didn’t know how to interact, everything was black or white instead of shades of grey! do I,  did I love my kids at the time? hell yeah, it would appear though I had some of my own issues at the time.

I was simply trying to do the best or what I thought was the best for them!

Why do I think like this, well for one reason there were only 4 people in the area with my surname me my brother and two cousins on my dad’s side, who I behaved abdominally when I met them as a teenager, now there’s a lot more people with my surname and I wonder is it my dad with another family and did he treat them better than his first, I don’t really connect with my family much anyway my brother who I speak to as often as possible (when work for both of us permits) I would like to spend more time inside his sphere of influence but its simply not to be, and my favourite cousin down in sunny scunny, however I have allowed work and my own issues cloud how I interact with the world, I will die an  old lonely man when my time comes to an end

I like to think even after all the trials and tribulations of the last 28 years, I did ok for my kids, I had no field manual, but I feel like I was there when I was needed, I was a shoulder to cry on, I was there to laugh at whatever was needed, to be the adult or to be the man child at things that only family can laugh at (sorry Shaun).

I’m not going to labour the point today is the day I hope my dad is getting buggered in an old folks home somewhere, but I know I’m not that lucky! I’m going to spend the bulk of the day in the company of my youngest and I might just get to see the oldest if she gets back to Gimpsville in time to bring the grand kids with her, I wont lose any sleep I am the best person that I can be, I love my kids and I will always be there for them when they need me.

So that’s that one done a short blog, I don’t expect this to run like the others have of late so expect another historical one in a couple of days so keep spreading the disease watch the skies there will be more incoming soon, but until then …………...Toodles!

Days Gone By

I have been nervous about doing anymore historical music blogs as they of late have been so slow out of the blocks that I have had serious misgivings, I have done blogs on Roger Taylor, Blue Oyster Cult to name but two, and they have seriously undermined my potential for doing these. So here goes third time lucky purely because the last blog went through the roof!

Music was my saviour in my younger days (still is if truth be told) it was simpler times I would jump  on a train or a bus to head off and see bands all of  the time, depending on the finances, damn it if I won the lottery it’s what I would do now, blow it on following tours of artists that float my boat and damn the consequences, then I really would bore the pants off you lot! Let’s transport you back to a simpler time.

1985 I was in London for a friends birthday and I kind of over stayed by a week or two, I had no ties at work or otherwise, well a had a girlfriend but she didn’t seem to mind if I wasn’t there (this became a common thread in our relationship even when we got married) we (the boys that is) had decided to have one last night out before we all went our separate ways back to home, we met in the Marquee I seem to remember it being Valentines day simply as there was a special  offer to gain entry, none of us qualified, by the time we arrived the band was already on stage (I have blogged this beginning part before) and I lost all interest in the night out as I loved the band from the  opening chords of “I belong to the night” to the rowdy ending of “American Girls” yes my love affair with FM started that very night, I liked Steve Overland’s voice from his previous band Wildlife I discovered him by accident as I had taken a date to an MSG gig in Newcastle (yes it didn’t go down well or last very long) my intention was to see Derek St Holmes who was playing with the headliners, I got diverted after the support band, I bought the album the next day and then travelled to Sheffield to see them again, then they dropped off the face of the earth.

Out of nowhere there he was again on the stage in the marquee wearing matching dodgy suits and big hair, I loved the well-crafted tunes and that voice was simply like honey, a great vocalist, now that they were on my radar I did my level best to ensure I saw as often as possible in 1985 (I don’t remember the exact dates but I do remember the venues) I saw them supporting so many people I saw them in Bradford more than once in 1985 also in Birmingham, I had bought (yes I know I was shocked as well) tickets for Gary Moore as I wanted to see Glenn Hughes playing with the fiery Irishman , unfortunately Mr Hughes succumbed to his Mars Bar addiction, so I was gutted when he pulled out but I was over the moon to see FM supporting still wearing the dodgy suits. The only issue the wife (of the moment) insisted that she had discovered this new band oh how me and my friends chuckled!

1986 came around and I had traversed into normal employment (needs must) so I hardly got out and about but I did manage a trio of gigs at the end of the year including a gig at the marquee which wasn’t the best for me as I had never drank tequila shots before, the journey back to the North of England wasn’t pleasant the next day, an early train and then straight to work for a late shift was not a good idea, not that I was full of good ideas back in the day!

1987 was slightly better for gigs trips, I got to see them in Sheffield and Nottingham (the first time ever at the Rock City venue) and a trip to see them at the Astoria was slightly better only because the wife was sick and couldn’t attend and then she couldn’t tell everybody that she had discovered them, bless again  the blur of travel drink and gigs was becoming the norm, to say that I was  burning the candle at both ends was soon going to have consequences, working long hours and then whenever I was off I would travel to see bands of many denominations, my private life was decidedly shit, I suppose I already knew this but was in denial, the marriage crashed and burned at the end of the year my only regret for the relationship was that she couldn’t have been truthful, the only thing that I asked for in all of the time we were together I knew It wasn’t an easy partnership but I always tried my best and I was always honest, and I was at least  a monogamist , something she had issues with, no blame apportioned we went our separate ways me I went into self-destruction mode for at least a year drinking, drinking and then drinking some more, I blamed myself when in reality we were both to blame, life’s too short  it was time to not only to burn the candle at both ends but to take a flamethrower to the middle as well 1988 was a blur with no FM activity!

1989 was a return to the norm, drink was curtailed to sensible levels, well normal-ish but I became known as the half day kid at work as  I would take half days to go and see bands, travel back on late trains and go to work the next day (ah the good old days) they returned to action in August at the Mayfair and  I was down the front bouncing and singing along (badly) other dates included through October and November at the city hall the Hammersmith Odeon and Leeds and Sheffield back to the Marquee for the Christmas show , which I loved but I awoke on the platform of the train station back in Newcastle with no recollection on how I got there……ooops!

1990 wasn’t the best my only recollection of an FM gig that year was the Town & Country club that was marred by someone close to us being poorly, we thought it was a heart attack we did our best and an ambulance was called I often wonder if the guy survived, it kind of took the edge off the gig although in a bittersweet irony it was the first thing I ever recorded once I bought a (second hand) video player, I do believe I still have the tape somewhere.

1991 was the year I met the current good lady wife and I saw them a couple of times including a date at the Riverside in Newcastle on the taking it to the streets tour in which they insisted playing a Thin Lizzy medley, not what I wanted to hear at all, but I still have the tape, me and the Mrs saw them at Walkers doing their acoustic thing which was awesome apart from the fact we got hammered on scrumpy jack, I may have annoyed one or two people that night (sorry peeps) then it was a case of if the played close to home we went and then they split, damn what was I going to do now?

Mr Overland resurfaced in a band called SO with Pete Jupp and I had a devil of a time trying to buy the bloody records in the end I had to succumb to a downloaded version of their only album called Brass Monkey I never got to see them play live but the album is a masterpiece in my top five of all time its not what you might call rock its very song orientated I love it, however I had to rely on dodgy tribute albums and a Broadway show soundtrack to get my fix of Mr Overland’s voice.

One of the most surreal viewings we were invited to a wedding for SMOR and MR O and Juppy (damn I feel as if I know them) were playing in a cover band for the wedding and it was awesome all covers but I did get a cheeky snippet of closer to heaven after I shouted for it  and after the actual two sets I had a great conversation with Mr O who was genuinely taken back by my admiration of Brass monkey, a short conversation but one that I will take to my grave.

Since then we have seen them a number of times I have only missed them once, when I was as sick as a dog but the wife did buy me the latest EP as a consolation prize, I was a poorly bairn that night,  the furthest we have travelled is Hartlepool again a great gig with the wonderful Bernie Marsden supporting and another night of great memories for the story box, Mr O is involved in so many bands at the  moment and  I haven’t come across a bad one yet long may it continue, its not all a love fest though he appeared on a tribute album and he covered Angie (by the Rolling Stones) and it was horrible, his voice was the  usual, but the song was simply shocking , can somebody please tell me how they are revered for being the band that they are, answers on a postcard to IDONTGIVEASHIT.COM

So, there you go I will sit like an expectant father hoping that this one will soar through the stratosphere like the last blog enjoy and keep spreading the word, until the next time …………Toodles!