Holidays

As a kid we had holidays Scarbourgh a couple of times, Blackpool once and I was ill the whole time (with an ear infection that led to a perforated eardrum) and Dunbar in Scotland which although it was boring it was a great time the only real holiday were we interacted with the person who if memory serves me right was our dad, not that we did much apart play on a very long windswept beach looking for razor clams, hells bells even my brother was nice to me hahaha.

 The last holiday we did have was in Scarbourgh and there was a vibe from the beginning, which me and my brother didn’t pick up on, good god we were just kids going on holiday my dad didn’t want to pack the car there was an issue with “something” but my mum insisted and we set out at about 5 in the morning to drive there (this was the seventies) and we were normal kids with my dad insisting that if we didn’t calm down he would turn the car around, we were staying at a place called Strawberry Grove or so he said and we drove around Scarbourgh for what seemed ages and my mum was suspicious as he didn’t want to ask for directions, in the end my mum got him to pull over and she asked a policeman (yes they still walked the streets in those days) who after scratching his head admitted he had never heard of it although he was new to the area( some of the details were refreshed in my memory by my mum over the years hell I was just a kid) at this point my dad then said we might as well go home, it was then that I saw my mum lose her temper with my dad for the one and only time and boy did she have a go at him as we drove down the street she saw a boarding house that had vacancies “well if we can’t find the place you have booked we will stay here for the night at least” so this old lady showed us to the upstairs flat and we settled in, my parents to separate corners ready for the bell to ring when a mouse popped out of nowhere and broke the ice we all laughed and mum shrieked and we went for a walk around the streets taking in the sights, we had chips and candy floss my brother and me got on really well for this holiday and if truth be told this was the beginning of the end for my parents, things were strained but when you’re seven you don’t really notice I think my brother had and that’s why he was all of a sudden older but wiser and a proper brother, that first night we resolved to stay awake as long as possible, we stayed awake as long as the streetlights stayed on but we did indeed drift off , not before we talked of things that we had never talked about before and for that short time I realised what a big brother was for and I was a happy little camper for having a big brother although at the time I had no idea why?

We stayed at the flat for four days exploring the town and watched the battleships in Peasome Park, went on the boats and very nearly met my uncle Robson for the first time but my dad steered us clear for some reason, and then after four days mum’s courage had waned and she was quite happy to head home, which was probably because she knew that my dad had paid by cheque and it was bouncing all the way to the bank, things were strained all the way home and even I noticed, the relationship foundered a few weeks down the line and that set off many issues that even all this time down the line I still struggle with.

A few years later my Uncle took me Bridlington (my brother dodged that bullet) with his second wife and his son from his first marriage, the holiday was good but my cousin was weird and kept trying to freak me out on a night time it was the first time I ever used the F word I have to admit we didn’t really get on, but the holiday was a welcome distraction, but to be honest I wasn’t going to miss having a holiday! what you didn’t have you didn’t miss.

 I wasn’t to have another holiday for over fifteen years, when in a new relationship (with the wife) we organised a trip to Cyprus a holiday that was eventful because I actually became a proper adult and enjoyed a great time with the eldest as you should when on holidays. Apart from a fall where I tore a ligament in my foot (and no I wasn’t drunk) and the fact that we locked ourselves out of our hire car it was a low key holiday but once you have a holiday you soon realise what you are missing and from there on in I looked forward to our jaunts whether it was to Haggerston castle (a caravan park) or to the Med or Florida I always enjoyed spending time with the family (yes that’s right me with my reputation)  but what did become troublesome was when we started going with the Kraken she was and is a major pain when walking into an airport and on a plane, the actual holiday she is usually good company and chills like everybody else but those hours waiting for a plane or the actual flight itself erm no I think I would rather take an orbital sander to my genitals than go through that ever again (unless I could hire a private jet) that’s why I am so looking forward to our jaunt to Las Vegas this March great company and me and the wife where she can decompress away from all the grief that she has to put up with (say the word I will gladly step up to the plate and sort it with total finality) it has been arranged at short notice and with a short run in the Kraken can only (and I know she will) throw a few hissy fits before we go, but I know we will have to pay for it when we get back.

There are some destinations I would love to go to (when the lottery gives me my winnings hahaha) Hong Kong I nearly got posted there in the army but the Falkland’s war would have scrubbed that posting, Japan, New Zealand and lots of places in North America but money is always tight and they are indeed just a wish list, maybe one day. The ultimate destination is to hire Richard Branson’s island Necker (have a look at the website) that is on my bucket list one day (a definite euromillions win for me to take my friends with me) it really so funny when you don’t a holiday you don’t miss them but once the genie is out of the bottle it’s so addictive and honestly if I was fitter (not fatter) and the wife was not in such poor health the list would probably be twice as long, we are of an age when we should be kicking back and indeed having fun with a capital F.

I know the wife does indeed put up with many shit times (it’s her choice and I have no desire to influence) and hopefully (I know it will) she will enjoy the time away with friends and laughter is the best medicine or so I’m told, I have been hatching many cunning plots with E about if I should take my “Peter” mask for lots of photographs for the books to come but she also planted the seed that I could see the inside of an American jail as I get told to “raise my hands and remove the mask” hahaha we shall see, I am counting down the minutes (52980) until we go, we shall be doing the ritual of taking and abandoning our wrecked trainers as we buy new ones in America, hahaha and I know there will be quite a few chapters to come out 

Everyday

I need to stop and take a breath, I am in full on learning (allegedly) mode, I’m just completing week one of a four week course, with an exam at the end of week two and my revision has been cack, (understatement of the year it hasn’t been that good) my head stuck so far up my own ass, I have no idea if I’m coming of going! This course has been my nemesis for the last couple of years and now I know why.

The course is not helping my mood, but’s its simply one of a number of issues! black dog and black clouds have abounded, to be honest I have enjoyed it in a perverse kind of way, simply because I intend to beat this, I may get knocked back from time to time, I simply intend to come back stronger than before!

I have been hiding myself within blankets of isolation, not talking to people, not even family, that’s nothing new, but it is the worst symptom of my issues, lord knows my family put up with enough from me! I know that’s not a good thing, but its so easy to fall into the mischief of depression, which in itself just feeds all the other bad things, my moods have probably been the worst I have had in over six months …………………...but and there is a but, I do intend to beat this!

The issue that I have is me, yes, I know that, but I simply keep painting myself into a corner, not leaving myself a path back, so it’s always a huge leap into the dark, it doesn’t always work, my health isn’t helping, again its one step forward and then two backwards, but I do intend to do better, one day at a time, I just have to do this every day! Its not simply me who suffers, others do, friends, family and work colleagues, I do it every day, I simply shoot myself in the foot, no actually I’m probably shooting myself in my head with both barrels!

I need to ensure that I actually use the methods that I have been taught on my CBT course, however this is not always the case, it’s like I’m always around a corner waiting to whack myself on the shins with a bloody big stick, every day I do this, this time though I am fighting back I know I can do better!

I know that life is shit, but its better than it has been before, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its way off in the distance, but its there, and that in itself gives me just a little glimmer of hope (Hold On Pain Ends) there I said it, damn it I will be a better person maybe not today or even tomorrow, but I will be one day!

So there you have it, I am about to head to bed as I’m done in, the course starts all over again, so I need my beauty sleep, if you see me give me a wave as I could use some human interaction, and I’m not always the best person for it, however everyday from now on I intend to do better, I have to for everybody that circles in my sphere of influence, every day, every day but until then, its deep breath time I need to run silent and run deep, until the next time Toodles!

Simple

So this is a blog all about me, nothing else, it has the potential to be nothing but drivel it also has the potential to be funny, witty, charming and a whole host of other things. It is not going to follow the format of the other blogs that I’ve done, this is something I intended to take my time with this blog(not that the others have been rushed). this is something that I intend to be for me first and foremost, if others get something out of it then good, but that’s not the aim from the word get go this is for me and really only me I’m trying to figure me out for me.

Some people think that I’m complex (yeah right) but for as long as I can remember life the universe and everything has always been in shades of black and white (no football jokes please) it was yes or no, right or wrong I’m sure you get the picture, I like to think that I’m honest, I hate lies I hate dishonesty and if you ask me a question I will give the most brutally honest answer I can give. This does not always endear me to people and some people think that I’m aloof and all the other terms that can be used to say that I’m not nice.

I cannot play the game of life I don’t do politics so if I cut you out of my life it’s because there is no space for you in my life it’s as simple as that! I don’t hate everybody (as some people think) I just have a very low tolerance to bullshit, I usually know straight away if I’m going to like you and if I do indeed like you it will take an awful lot for me to dislike you, having said that if you continue to poison the well I will cut you from my life like a tumour and will no longer tolerate you in my life to waste my time as let’s be honest I’m not getting any younger.

If I don’t like you when I meet you trust me give up and walk away, don’t waste your life you could give me a million pounds everyday for the rest of my life and I won’t like you! so far in my life I’ve only been wrong once and I won, so move on or move over or you will be trampled into the ground, I will tolerate certain things if I want to and I have a high tolerance for crap if it’s something I want, but when the line is crossed all bets are off , I will do whatever I have to so that I have peace of mind, now some people will think that I talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk the point being the relationship I have with my mother in law but hey I love my wife and I want her in my life, so unfortunately I am prepared to put up with a large amount of crap but if anything changes all bets are off and again I don’t lose.

I’m fiercely loyal and I will back any of my friends new or old totally to the hilt if I think they are indeed right, however if I think you are wrong, I will agree for you to have the right to have a different opinion to me and I won’t hold it against you. I’m not always right hey even I know that, but I will always give as honest an opinion as possible so if you don’t want to know I promise you really please don’t ask because you might just get offended.

I like to work to the best of my ability and try my best under whatever conditions prevail to do the best I can no matter what others think (usually the wife) I am prepared to work whatever hours I need to, to get the job done but I am honest if I can’t do it I will tell you I can’t and I will tell you why I can’t, my wife is driven mad because I’m a morning person and she isn’t I’m quite happy to get up and go , where as she is happy to have a lie in, stretch, scratch her ass and take her merry time (and there’s nothing wrong with that ) but it’s like water and oil it doesn’t always mix just as she is starting to hit her stride I’m worn out and tired and all I want to do after that is sleep sleep sleep!

I try to be funny although some people (actually loads so it must be true) say I’m sarcastic and I really don’t intend to be, I never have intended to be that but somehow it has seeped through me and well if people think it, I must indeed be what they say, I would never knowingly say anything mean to somebody I care about, but sometimes (hahahaha sometimes) my mouth opens and both feet try and fill the gap, hey I’m only human or at least that’s what I like to think.

I have issues (and I mean lots) with me and the older I get the more aware of them I become and sometimes I’m surprised if somebody tells me something that I never knew I was, I’m with me 24/7 so I haven’t got a clue I’m just me and if I do something wrong I much prefer people to tell me the truth about me (it’s ok I know I’m short fat and bald and yes I know I wear glasses but I’m ok with that really). I do prefer to be in the background and I like other people to have the spotlight, maybe I’m wrong but it really is too late to be trying me to be anything other than who I am right now.

I like a drink from time to time and sometimes (yes sometimes) I can be a tad naughty but I’m nowhere near as bad as what I used to be like when I was younger I had more issues with me, I usually just tried to drown them with lots of alcohol and if I had continued down that road I think……. well let’s not dwell on that particular road, let’s just say if the pubs were open I was in them and I was trying most sincerely to drink them dry and if they were closed Dr Vodka was a constant companion until they were indeed open again, I had some awesome friends, some who are no longer here and I intend to write about them in later blogs (possibly) but from the age 17to 21 I was very nearly to the point of selling my soul for the sake of a drink, why I hear some of you ask well I will again cover some of that in other blogs, my first wife put up with my drunken antics but just before I actually did the deed and got married, I pulled back from the brink and started over again I wasn’t a raging alcoholic but I did some silly things in flush of the youth (again some of which I will indeed discuss here) but sometime at the beginning of 1986 I totally stopped drinking and got my life back on track, that’s not to say I didn’t have any more episodes I did, but none as long lasting or as severe as those early days.

I know I’m not perfect and to be perfectly honest I have been told (professionally) that this is indeed the root of most of my problems, hopefully by spewing out these random thoughts I will hopefully become a better and more rounded person. I write because I enjoy it and hopefully because it will help me do what I need to do to be better for my friends and family, I do indeed think of myself as a simple man, this is just the first chapter of me looking inwardly (and not for the first time) and hopefully getting an answer that I can handle better this time around, I hope I’m more mature (somehow I think that’s doubtful) to deal with the answers that might arise, you never know I might not find anything other than I deal a fine line of bullshit I will let you the readers (and there are one or two of you out there)be the people who decide.

I have simple tastes mainly due to financial restraints that have been imposed by the way my life has gone again probably to be explored in other chapters, this is not the woe is me bit of the blog, I have seen some hard times in my life and through most of it I have been relatively happy with my lot, you don’t need money to be happy but I would rather cry inside a Rolls Royce than out in the rain in the gutter. Some of things I went through are not uncommon for some of my friends  it’s just I’m the one putting pen to paper so maybes just maybes I’m not the simple man I say I am!

I have never and will never think that I’m better than anybody else, I’m not against religion, gay people, politicians and all the other things that are out there I won’t bother you if you don’t bother me do I have opinions yes I do, but there are mine and mine alone and I will bear the convictions of my beliefs and thrust them on anybody that doesn’t need any more woes of their own, that’s not to say that I won’t voice my opinion because if you don’t raise your voice to be heard why are you partaking in this thing we call life.

Tiki 4

This has been way harder than expected, I had no intention to write this blog as I had been wallowing in self-imposed writers exile, posting stuff from published works and enjoying that people were enjoying it. But it a had a negative response on me, I lost the will to write, it was supposed to bolster my writing, it did no such thing, then I was adrift on a sea of morose thoughts, not bad thoughts for once, I had simply let go of my mojo and like a balloon it had floated away and then simply stayed out of reach!

Finally I was on a weeks holiday and although my intention was to lie around like a loppy dog (which I did) I still had a small but exhaustive list of tasks that I wished to carry out, ok so I have done 90% that’s good for me, the week floated on and me and the wife actually spent time together, we didn’t have any major plans as we were (no surprise here) skint, we did have a couple of cunning plans, but they were not until the back end of the week, health wise I was firing on five out of six cylinders something is definitely not perfect, so another long conversation next Wednesday.

The youngest disappeared back to Carlisle to complete a play about the moors murders that she had been rehearsing for months, this was the actual performance to a sold-out house, again the house we live in felt strangely quiet without her creaking bones, but as always we soldiered on. Friday arrived and we had an appointment for the wife in which we were an hour late, thankfully it was resolved peacefully and we sauntered off across country to pick the youngest up, good company and even better music and a nice drive sometimes it’s what you need to recharge your batteries.

An even nicer jaunt back, the play had been a raging success with some people stating that it should tour (come up with the money and it will ya sad sack) we were soon home, unfortunately the youngest was at work the next day so she was soon off to bed, we followed as we wanted to ensure that she actually dragged herself from her pit(she did) we gathered supplies for the forthcoming night time activities, it was to be opening of a friends personal Tiki bar in their back garden and we hadn’t seen friends in ages so it was a big  thing, it was 80’s themed party, sorry guys I have wore the same style of clothes since I was a kid so for me it was shorts and a Hawaiian style shirt (I still looked fat in it not fit) the wife went all Madonna on me and the youngest wore what she thought was appropriate, we had to wait for the youngest to get home from work and weave her magic but we got there sooner than I expected with only Buddy barking us a fond welcome although Diesel and Loki still came to see who was entering their home, Blue was simply happy to bimble on.

I had to admit I was concerned for the ozone layer with the amount of hair spray on show, mind you some of the chaps had covered themselves in gravy granules to simulate the tans of the day, no I was not one of them, thankfully my legs were lighthouses in the dark (bloody white) in my shorts, yes shorts! The bar was stunning and the naked flames added to the effect (no the bar was not on fire) a gas-powered fire pit was lovely but it wasn’t long before something was thrown on, thankfully the keeper of the royal flight was on hand to risk his pinkies! Not long after he also waded across the pool like some demented Godzilla! thankfully he stayed up right but it was close call, there were plenty of shenanigans and flying wigs, the dogs kept a watchful eye on us and soon GRRRR ant arrived and soon we were up to our elbows in sordid tales and jokes! I really do hope he enjoyed his daughters horse riding early this morning LOL!

I opened my mouth regarding the weather and all of a sudden it was spitting, thankfully it didn’t spoil the night it really was very light, the company as always was very good even though I remember people, I have trouble with names (its an age thing…….I hope) it was dark so I hope there are no issues, the themes of the parties keep on growing, there probably will be a live sized Godzilla for the Halloween party! And just like that it was time to go home, as the youngest had another early rise for work today (that’s life sweetie) and a nearly silent drive home with the wife concentrating in the dark roads home and the youngest very nearly falling asleep after the day’s activities, we arrived home, sorted the hound out, as I prepared the youngest’s bait simply so she had less to do, once she dragged her body from her pit! In between mixing tuna, I wrote down notes for the blog, the one I had no intention of doing (go figure) I wish I had actually done the blog there and then, as I had a million and one ideas that now in the cold light of day have simply evaporated, those are the breaks, so I’m told!

 The party was the perfect end to my holidays, as I have six weeks of hell coming, what with silly shifts and a trip away for work, which I don’t want to do, four courses and two exams that I don’t want to do and that’s just what I have planned, there is all the other minutiae that goes with my daily work cycle! My intention was not to blog my ego and mojo conspired against me, but I’m glad I did now, and no matter what the cost (financially) we really must get out and mix with (my fault I know) all the lovely people who are in our life, now I need to try and sort myself out for the coming morrow, thanks for all the readers and the kind comments of the older stuff watch the skies for more incoming, until then……………Toodles!