An Assortment of Caps!

So more dithering over a new blog (potentially) the last one of the year, I say this and then usually get hit by a huge load of inspiration and blog a way on a daily basis……go figure!

So where was I, oh yes dithering, I’m getting to be good at that, not feeling what I’m writing, but still attempting to do something useful, I was back to work still with my head down and my arse up in the air, sorting the end of year for me and then getting ready for the start of the new year I have a number of tasks to complete, hopefully when I go back on Wednesday I will pull my finger out, not saying that the tasks are particular hard I just have to stay focused and to crack on!

Then I had two days of duty manager (my least favourite task) of which I could probably write a blog all about those two shifts, but my intention is not to, as it was full of utterly horrible people, I despair for the human race after two days of dealing with these individuals anybody who works with the general public will understand what I am on about, you have all become a bunch of whining twats, and that’s the nicest description I can give you.

It hasn’t been helped by the fact that the wife has been ill and in bed (again another blog for another time) and she was unable to come and collect me at the end of the shift, shock horror I was going to have to travel home at some ungodly on a plague carrier full of drunken arseholes ( you know the type they go to the pub once a year and think that they can hold their drink………..hang on that’s me) I got a copy of my bus time table and yeah ok a twenty minute wait at the end of my shift was achievable, imagine my horror after two shitty shifts that my wait was going to be 40 minutes (WTF) I really do need to concentrate when I look at these kind of documents! On top of this there was loads of disruptive cherubs running around (please don’t get on my bus! Thankfully they didn’t) however this meant that the queue was quite a size by the time the bus arrived and yes it was full of people so I struggled even at that time of the night to get a seat, thankfully I did and I went straight to my default position.

MP3 in and the new Metallica album at max volume (if it’s too loud……. I will turn it down ok) it didn’t sooth the savage beast, I was still annoyed (me with my reputation ) and was soon people watching, the buddies reminiscing about younger days, the drunks asleep who missed their stops, the single guys trying desperately to concentrate on where they are and checking their mobiles for some god given inspiration, the young girls who desperately don’t want anybody to sit next to them, the bus driver obviously on his last run as he tries to desperately beat the world speed record between each stop!

At this point I realised nearly all of them were wearing an assortment of caps, which if when we were younger (because I was believe it or not one of the younger male occupants of the bus) we would have mocked each other mercilessly, I wondered if the style of cap or was it just picked at random, I instantly wanted to blog as I had a million thoughts but for once I hadn’t brought any paper to fulfil my ambition (rookie mistake) to take all the salient points for a later blog! as we drew nearer to home a group of lads in the early 20’s got aboard and honestly even my mother would have drowned me for wearing anything resembling this head gear some wearing what can only be described as “Tibetan” or some “South America druids” type of headgear, I was gobsmacked! by the time I got off the bus I was still annoyed, even more when I saw the same people in the nearest club, that had been there 11 hours previously, they don’t work they all have a habit to itch you see them at the local surgery and pharmacists, pushing their way to the front of whatever queue there is, I’m not jealous of their lifestyles, just their ability to be always in a club drinking and tooting!

I arrived home still in the same mood only for it to be lightened as the wife was worse for wear and in dire need for some TLC, anger can wait for another time, and then it’s all over baby blue, the wife is still ill but now getting harassed because of it (again another blog for another time for legal reasons) and I have to ensure that the blog gets completed before my bad mood spills out in to a period of mass deletions from the hard drive, my mood is hovering at grumpy to the outside world and annoyed within the family circle, why I hear you ask? Well simply because I can!

So for the new year what are my intentions, well first and foremost I need to give my head a shake and get back to where I was earlier in the year, simply so I can have some positivity back into my step, life is what it is, I have no issues with my lot (personally) however issues with my small tribe I can’t do an awful lot for, although I am worried for these family members, fingers crossed for them, blogging shall return to normal frequencies and hopefully (if my memory serves me) some more historical blogs along the way, but for now I shall kick back (watch numbers) relax and have one or two Lynchburg lemonades, and generally listen to a lot of good music (currently Listening to Ali Maas and Micky Moody Chrome and Black and well-polished mature album give it I try you might just enjoy it) and generally try and enjoy myself just a little bit! So I hope that you got what you wanted or maybe even deserved, keep spreading the disease and until the next one, and I know I keep saying this……………….Toodles.

Laugh or cry

You can laugh at the human predicament. You can laugh at yourself. You can laugh because the alternative is crying. You can laugh because a truism has been exposed. You can laugh at the weakness, stupidity and failures of others. You can laugh because you identify. You can laugh to be polite. You can laugh from surprise. You can laugh from nervousness. You can laugh at the futility of it all. You can laugh at the antics of animals. You can laugh because it hurts. You can laugh because others are laughing. You can laugh at tragedy if enough time has passed. You can laugh at the statement, "This is no laughing matter."

I could go on, but clearly there are many reasons to laugh. As a fun homework assignment, I encourage you to look for others, write them down and don't send them to me, until the next time Toodles!

Doing all right

So the holiday was over and I blogged, then I really took my foot off the gas and I kind of dithered (no surprise there then) I picked and I fussed, but I kind of steered clear of life the universe and everything.

Was I in a bad place, no not really I did a little bit of writing, notes and that kind of thing, but all in all I didn’t do a lot, did I check the stats for the blog, erm of course I didn’t, what kind of person do you think I am, ok let’s not go there, let’s not try and argue over that particular query! Our social life ground back to what we normally do (not a lot) and we bickered like an old couple (what do you mean that’s what we are …..how very dare you) and got on with our aches and pains. We didn’t raise any flags and there was only a few bumps in the road, I knew that I was sinking (blissfully) into the background, previously I would bitch about this, however I have no idea whether I have raised the white flag, but truth be told at the moment I’m quite happy to be fading into the background.

That was until the wife mentioned my birthday (basically another day closer to death….see I told you I was a happy camper) and then I got a text from G asking if we were planning a trip to see The Tee Hee Club, I answered as quickly as I could saying that yes we were indeed planning an incursion into friendly territory. The wife was happy and just a little excited but she could see the worry that was creeping into me, I go work and there’s tons of people there but in actual fact I interact with very few of them I don’t mind crowds of people, its crowds of people that I know that scares me.

Here we go another with another whinging blog, well actually no its not, in some small way I don’t want to upset the people who know me, now you never know what you can get with me, I would like to think I have improved as a companion, however over time I do still get black dog kind of days, days were I tend to overthink the day ahead, these aren’t particularly bad days but it’s me second guessing myself as life goes floating by. Now what happens here is I start to second guess myself, and I start to panic/worry, again not in a seriously bad way, just enough to sort of drag me down in the grand scheme of things, we hadn’t interacted in a social grouping in ages and although the wife is fantastic in social gatherings, me I’m not so good, I usually do come out of my shell but hey ho, it’s going to be small steps, the older I get the worse I seem to be.

In the run up though I was distracted as the wife’s collapsing routine started again first at work when I thundered through my place of work to beat first aiders and other staff, I arrived to hear this pitiful voice saying “please don’t call my husband” this kind of distracted me from my (slight) issues, however two days later when I heard a thump from upstairs and she had gone down like she had been shot, if she had stepped forward one more pace she could have quite easily broke her neck on the stairs ( I believe I may have ranted at her in the prone position) I was concerned now as she hadn’t had an episode in over a year and now two in four days, this was not what I wanted. Life went on and we did what we seem to do (even more not a lot) I had the time off for my birthday, I was off the Friday, but the wife was working, so I pottered and did a little bit of writing and made notes, nothing of any great value or importance but enough to give me a taste of what I was intending to blog (yes you guessed I didn’t use any of them). Saturday was spent with the Hurricane and we ended up at the Krakens, to carry out some hard-core pruning, and to build a basketball hoop for the hurricane (both of these tasks were sprung on me and the pruning was fine, but the hoop I had no tools, it went up but let’s just say I’m glad I don’t space shuttles for a living). We ended up doing a small amount of shopping then just vegging out for the evening, watching anything remotely to do with Freddie Mercury, I was quite relaxed, I was up bright and breezy and with the larks (that’s pilarks as I was up before 06.00 happy birthday to me) I let the wife lie a little longer, I woke quite nicely (I didn’t poke her with a stick from a distance) and then I trotted off downstairs to make her a cup of tea (how nice am I?) a very lazy morning followed by a lovely lunch (her words not mine) then after lunch she went down like she was shot, this was different though, she was conscious for the whole incident, normally it’s like somebody has turned off a switch , but this time she was wide awake, I thought she was having a stroke! Thankfully we managed to drag her onto the sofa and not the floor and when she came around and was fully Compos Mentos, she looked worried, the day didn’t look like it was going to happen, thankfully the wife is made of sterner stuff and we actually left on time.

Traffic was busy but fluid until we hit South Shields and then we ground to a halt 35 minutes to move 400 yards, we even got texts asking if we were still coming, we were, we were just a little late (aren’t we always) as we pulled up outside the wife tried to rob me and was abusive too boot (I don’t have to put up with kind of malarkey) I composed myself as we went through the doors I could see a huge scrum of people, but couldn’t identify any one person so the wife dived into grab a seat and I went off to the bar, I struggled to make the bar staff aware that I wanted a pint of Guinness and a fresh orange juice topped up with Soda water, This simply did not compute! As I went the through the rigmarole of explaining for the third G snaked up to the bar with the body of a racing snake and wished me “Happy Birthday” my nerves broke like a tide on a harbour wall, and the evening then got off to a fantastic start, as always I have no intention of doing a blow by blow account except there was shenanigans of the highest order, with so many faces and at time I was a little overwhelmed, and just sort of sat there, but I was happy, G ended up balancing on a chair at the top of the main entrance stairs, if he had sneezed he would have been down them in a flash, we had to endure a nail ripping description on how not to use a hand saw, I heard the tale three times and every time my testes shrunk inside my body for safety!

People who are having a much worse time than me, were there and we were all there for them genuine love and affection for great people, I do miss these people, they really do fill your soul with happiness, people who are going through with everything that life can go throw at them and they are still standing proud, bowed in places but not beaten,  M & L even turned up and it was fantastic to see them both as a couple, I was attacked and smothered in kisses by a lady that had been quote “shopping in Jarra” and I genuinely felt loved and ashamed to think that I had issues in my life, as always these times draw to a close far too soon and slowly but surely the wife started dragging us out of the room as we started to separate and splinter as we all started to head for the hills, on the way home I sat with a satisfied glow, knowing that this what it’s like to be embraced in the arms of a very special family.

I had lots of other issues with 3 which I might just save for another blog, I am just getting back into the mood for writing and so hopefully the pace will be picking up towards the end of the year, although the intention is to have a smidgen of quality control, we also had some Good/Bad news but that can wait until the Kraken has been informed, fight your battles on a day to day basis, I hope you all enjoyed the blog as much as I had writing the bloody thing, watch the skies, keep spreading the disease, until the next time…………………………Toodles!

Holidays in the sun

OK so the intention was not to blog I was going to have a holiday and recharge my batteries, I took nothing with me on our holiday to take notes with; this was to be a complete break!

Thankfully the wife knows me so well and the plane hadn’t taken off, the wife recognized the usual twitches and calmed me down by saying don’t panic I have pen and paper for you, relieved we sank into our seats, but as always I’m getting ahead of myself.

I finished on the Friday but the wife had to work the day before we departed so with only a modicum of grumbling, we had a cunning plan we were going to stick to it. Job one was to take the hellhound off to a wilderness holiday home and all I could get out of the wife “oh I hope he copes”  I was thrown out the door as she drove past our house on the way back so that she could go do her shift, I pottered on throughout the day doing the hovering and generally cleaning and bleaching things (no I wasn’t trying to hid a body) I suppose you could say I was being a good husband. The wife completed her shift but still had to visit the Kraken who had been quite good but was grumbling away like a pacific volcano.

Once back the wife became a blur of activity packing repacking and generally being busy, we both ground to a halt around midnight and then sat watching a documentary about Lynyrd Skynyrd, perhaps not a great idea seeing as how we were about to fly off to sunny shores(Oooops) we started to drift a little but soon we were climbing into the Clampett Mobile and heading to Newcastle Airport (the only airport with a cattle grid) it was a dark and wet misty road we travelled, thankfully arriving safely and getting parked in the right area with just a slight trudge back to the terminal, we were the first to throw our bags over the counter and we were soon ensconced having a coffee (well in my case an orange juice) I paid as it was my treat and then I realised I was skint totally spent up, damn my pocket money didn’t stretch very far.

We were soon whisked onto the plane and the wife was wiped out after being up for nearly 24 hours, she was asleep as soon her seat belt was clipped in. She finally woke up as we flew over Toulouse but was soon back asleep for just a little longer, me personally I felt like I had been drinking Red Bull, buzzing and just a little strange. Upon arriving at Majorca we got our bags and then endured the bus trip from hell, I wanted to play yellow car with the wife (you see a yellow car and claim it punching the other person in the arm is optional) so asked the youngest who was at home (and is fluent in Spanish how to say Yellow Car correctly) it was at this point the wife threatened to stab me, I could see this was going to be a good holiday the journey wasn’t too bad but watching the driver trying to get this bloody big bus down single lanes was painful.  We finally arrived at our destination and I have to admit I was impressed, we were soon through the signing in process and settled in our safe harbour and we were both happy.

We dumped our cases and headed straight for lunch as we were both starving; now I won’t give you a rundown of every meal, but I had some Minestrone soup as a starter white fish in a cream sauce with onions and onion rings (yes I love onions) and finally a boat load of chips, and then there was pudding , oh dear this could get messy, my only complaint was your drink (soft in this instance) it was served in what I would call a sherry glass if I had had a normal size glass I probably would have only had one, but as it was I averaged about six a meal.

We retired to our room to compose our bodies, and then headed to the pool, yes I know me headed for a body of water I checked first to see if the Norwegian whaling fleet were off shore, the pool itself was freezing I actually had a sexual conversion upon my body touching the surface, I’m so glad I didn’t just jump in, and this was the only disappointment of the hotel, I nearly shrieked like a girl guide it was so cold. We soon found a spot to turn ourselves like a kebab (mmmmmmmmmmm Food) it was full but not cluttered and the silence was blissful. Me and the wife were probably the youngest people in the hotel, back to the room after an hour by the pool we soon snoozed, I woke up to find that I had been gnawing at the side of my mouth, I was obviously hungry again and we were soon heading down the stairs, again with the small glasses and then I had Steak & Kidney pudding and it was divine but nowhere near as good as the Orange pudding that I had for desert. I decided to have my first beer of the week (Amstel) it was OK but a bit samey, I then got stuck into the Vodka and Coke (as you had to pay for the Jack and coke) the wife was stuck into various cocktails and then some Sangria, she even had Sex on the beach and I never felt a thing. This had the makings of a great holiday!

We headed into the entertainments room for an ABBA tribute act who …….were ok, but I was flagging the day was catching up with me, I think the wife thought I was being a party pooper (not intentionally) but you have to go when you have to go, I was hoping a good night’s sleep would put me right.

The next morning I awoke and then realised I had made a rooky mistake, I hadn’t brought enough medication, so now I was going to have to be careful and not be silly, (me with my reputation) I had slept well and breakfast was a full English, I soon discovered what I liked and basically stuck with it I even managed black pudding when it was available, we then had a slow meander to the beach (which wasn’t far) and then we headed back for the meet and greet I don’t do them as I have a tendency to scowl all the way through them, I was a good boy I read my paper, but the wife went and yes we did book a trip but it was a trip we had wanted to go on before we booked the holiday. We chilled and generally did nothing for the rest of the morning a bit of reading a bit of well you know holiday stuff, then back to the trough ( I like it oh yes I believe I did) then back out for some more sun but no pool I had learned my lesson on that score, I soon discovered I’m a small pale blue person, not likely to tan but I did my bit, well I had to otherwise I would have been punished by the wife!

Then back inside to recuperate and for the wife to start cursing the wi fi (I was the only person having an electronic break on this holiday) I have to admit to loving having no technology on this trip I brought a book to read and that was it! Back downstairs for our evening meal, again the food was divine it took me and all the catering staff to stop the wife putting her head into the chocolate fountain, that was one close shave. Off for a little walk, just to get a grip of our surroundings and then back in time for the Bee gees (OK a Germanic Bee gees Tribute act) who actually were pretty damn good, the rest of the entertainment was on the dodgy side so we didn’t partake.

And on the third day the black dog turned up and was promptly kicked in the seat of  its pants, I found I didn’t want to blog I nearly ripped up my notes thankfully after it had taken a shit in my pool I was able to chase it off and (sort of) enjoy the rest of the day eating, sleeping lying around doing the kind of things everybody else was doing on the holiday, I drank some more (not a lot) and then dragged my sorry excuse of a husband off to bed, thankfully it wasn’t a bad day and I was quite proud of the fact I gave my head a shake.

The next morning, we had our breakfast and then took a walk into the town centre just taking our time not rushing just enjoying each other’s company (well we didn’t argue does that count) dodged between some showers (the first rain of the holiday) we picked the houses that we liked and then picked the houses we didn’t , we watched the little fishes as we crossed some of the little bridges, did a little bit of browsing and headed back just to get back in time for lunch (well go on then) we  had settled into the holiday routine and I can put my hand on my heart (actually a swinging brick) and actually say I was enjoying myself! I know me with my reputation …. go figure!

Again up bright and breezy some breakfast  and another lazy morning some more reading chilling and a couple more (soft) drinks until lunch and then to walk it off with a walk along the beach to the marina, again even more fantastic houses, spending our lottery money on houses as we went, then we turned around and walked back doing the same in reverse it was at this point we were eaten alive, but we pressed on like good little soldiers, back for dinner and then some more drinkie poos and then some cunning plans as there were some allies on the island this was about to go off big style ………..allegedly!

Both of us were up and straight down for breakfast simply as we had a 20 minute window before getting picked up to head off on our trip and yes it was raining in biblical proportions, not deterred we pressed onto the Inca market and arrived before our accomplices turned up, the wife had been sending signals out to Lady J and her man servant Ignatius we finally met up and all our smiles washed away the rain we soon found a bar and Lady J was soon rubbing salves and ointments onto my suppurating boils  (ok my bites) we soon had to join our respective buses but only for a short while as were all going to the same place we met up again however the next place was decidedly crap all the restaurants had two members of staff on obviously not expecting an influx of hungry holiday makers, thankfully the American Embassy saved our souls, the afternoon was too fleeting but was a bright spot (in a wet day) and as always a high spot in a great holiday.

We retired and thankfully were revived by dinner, a few more drinks (there’s a pattern developing here) then we retired to our own company for the night, the wife wanted to do some shopping (gulp) and wanted to be rested for the coming day (battle). Breakfast didn’t save the day, it tried valiantly I even said my war wounds were paining me but I was still dragged (by the ankle) to the shops were the wife finally got what she desired (a handbag) and then back in time for you guessed more food and drink (I had decided to stick with the beer I was sick by this time of getting small soft drinks) I stayed away from the pool at this point the silence was deafening, to be truthful I just wanted some space for myself, thankfully the wife wanted the pool, we both agreed to enjoy our last afternoon as we wanted it, time for one last evening meal and a chance for the wife to say good bye to the staff, I hadn’t bonded, she could make friends in an empty room bless her, then back to the room to pack and repack, and then we knew that the holiday was over and all that was left was for us to steal away in the night (OK early morning but you get the picture) then a tortuous journey around all the back roads the bus was full after 20 minutes all he had to do was get on the motorway and it was straight there, but no then we had a cranky baby crying and the wife wanting to go atomic she only had to listen to the baby crying I had the baby and her twisting on (when did the Kraken arrive on this holiday) the coach was full of people with Kennel Cough (people who had their air conditioning on full tilt all week) coughing all the way to the airport.

Then the journey in reverse and we were both rested so no sleep required the plane left on time and in no time we were home, we picked up the hound from his holiday and he had loved it, yes he will be going back and then time raced away back to work seven days off the trot I thought I needed another holiday (well some time off work) only for my bites to flare up and be shocking, I became pox driven and to be honest I was a bit shocked by it, at this time of writing I’m still having to ingest large copious amounts of anti-biotics, but it appears we are winning that particular war.

And that was our holiday that’s me rested, thank you for the kind comments for the serialisation of “Rest rooms of the strip” you should have bought it while you had the chance, I may do some of the others in the coming years depending on the written drought at any coming time, I hope you have enjoyed this one as much as I have, remember watch the skies for  incoming, I’m liking this writing malarkey until the next time ……………………Toodles!

Under The gun

Under The Gun.

The morning came so much quicker than expected and we both got up and did our morning routine and once we were of a sensible frame of mind (yeah right) we packed and repacked and double checked that there was nothing else to be packed in the case you know the little things like bed, fridge, safe the little things, my feet at this point after a week of abuse were totally and utterly shredded so there was nothing for it but to borrow the wife’s trainers as they were bigger than any of mine and would enable me to be able to put one foot in front of another. Once we were done we generally relaxed and had a bit of banter, we didn’t have to book out until eleven but there was a nagging doubt about the credit card after the issue earlier in the week, the money was there to cover the tax (robbing bastards) bill I just didn’t wish to embarrass anybody by them being associated with a pauper (well the wife is used to it) but there wasn’t any problem in the end (there is a god somewhere).

As we left we put our suitcases in storage but the guy huffed and puffed as he wanted his tip up front (in case he wasn’t there when we went back) my mind went blank as it suddenly dawned on me and I slipped him two dollars I panicked as I walked away as I thought my twenties were on the outside but thankfully I had folded my money the other way all he got was a couple of singles (and he was on duty when we went back and I certainly didn’t give him another tip as we climbed aboard) we went for a last wander up the strip and a little light lunch.

We returned to claim our bags and jumped into a taxi with the oldest taxi driver in the world (at least 431 years old) as we climbed aboard we found a wallet which we handed to the driver who radioed in to say he had it (an honest person in Las Vegas the city of sin go figure) and it felt good to see our good karma skills rise, we soon arrived at the airport and I do admit to being just a tad bugged by the fact that I hadn’t been one hundred percent health wise but I had really enjoyed my time there I could only imagine how mental it would have been if The Tee Hee Club had been firing on all four cylinders instead of just three. We got our baggage weighed and we weren’t taking back anything over the top so there was a sigh of relief over our little group, and then we headed off to see if security would frighten us with the snap of a rubber glove, we sailed through well I did the wife struggled to lift her arms high enough (it was all the class A chocolate she was smuggling.....NOT) but we got through soon enough and if I’m honest we were all just a little deflated we didn’t want to go back if truth be told honest, it was at this point E vented her spleen (one last time..Well for this day) on poor G he was only looking for his Kestrel there was really no need to go (that) atomic on his ass!

We got some seats and we took it in turns to check out the (small) duty free area the only thing I fancied was a bottle of Skull vodka (I wish I had got it now) which wasn’t as cheap as we had seen it earlier in the week, we headed to the sweetie shop (and were promptly robbed) before settling down to wait (and wait and wait) for our (late) flight home. The wife reverted to form and basically became her usual intolerant self and was once again an equal opportunities hater (she really does hate the world and everybody including me) as she sat and vented her spleen at anybody and everybody who walked past within viewing distance.

We teased E just a little bit simply because we could and listened to the tannoy announcements that were pretty garbled and mainly in Spanish it certainly sounded like something from the fast show (scorchio) so that kept me amused for just a little while at least. E started to panic all over again when the little black book came out yet again. We finally got to board and were soon on our way back to blighty and I would like to say that the flight back was memorable it wasn’t really, just ten hours of food sleep and the occasional free drink  but at least I didn’t throw up or crap through the eye of a needle (too much well I thought we had covered this already hahahaha) it was your typical not enough room with people pushing their seats back and forward and the wife as usual hating the world (I know I definitely covered this several times) we landed and went through the usual customs and once we got to the other side we got our bags and headed to the train station.

While awaiting to jump aboard the train home we all switch our mobiles on and did what we had to do and me and E (who had the least amount of calls to make or messages to check, ok so I had none I was there with my friends hahahaha) watched and were amazed at how many peeps were texting or chatting on their phones, how did this happen, twenty years ago it would have been something out of a science fiction film but now everybody cannot live without their mobile (if your American it’s a cell) I would gladly give mine up but it’s the only way the wife can keep an eye on me as allegedly I’m a naughty boy all of the time (well that’s how she makes me feel if I miss a bloody call). We were prepared after the scrum at Newcastle to get on the train and we easily out manoeuvred everybody so that we could claim our seats. I did a good deed ( I can do from time to time I’m not all bad) and we had a gentle trip back, the photographs of people sleeping with drool coming out of their mouths won’t be published (until the time is right honestly E you have nothing to worry about) for a while.

We got back to sunny Newcastle (sooner than we really wanted to) and me being the last one through the gate was able to get stuck, yes boys and girls another bit of technology that hated me, we called for a taxi when the world and his friend had descended upon Newcastle for this weekend was mother’s day but we did get a taxi quite quickly (thanks Blue line) and we said our fond farewells and were soon in the arms of our loved ones (and the Kraken) and we soon discourged all our suitcases and  presents and stuff  but what we wanted was some sleep (go figure) and we soon settled back into the mundane life we left behind when we headed off to Las Vegas.

The Final Frontier

The Final Frontier.

Today was the day anything that we had to do was going to have to be done today, cunning plans and the such like were put into motion and the blue touch paper had been lit! Peter was coming to town! If you have looked at the books you will notice I wear (yes that stud on the back of the books is really me) a Peter Griffin mask and my intention had been to take the mask everywhere however the disease ridden person that I was for the first five days had not been too inclined so it was make or break day, and my promotional manager (yes you guessed it E) wasn’t going to let me off the hook!

I was up and had my customary bath and we headed out onto the strip me with my Buckets t-shirt on again and Peters mask in the wife’s bag! We intended to do a little shopping nothing major just go with the flow and see where we actually end up, we dodged the Mexicans and their cards (flick off you dodgy people) the wife was still wanting to shout at them I just laughed at them and the way the wife went on. We soon came across a more friendly set of inhabitants of the strips and that was a group of ducks who were in the water features heading up the strip. We took a few pictures and got a few laughs but more than a few stares from inquisitive natives. We crossed the strip looking for somewhere to eat and we ended up in a small food court tucked away we all got our various eats while G opted for chicken wings(there’s a surprise) but when they came they weren’t cooked right and when he took them back the young person serving was just going to re-heat the bloody things that will be a no then, it wasn’t a good start but as far as I was concerned my pizza was appreciated as my tummy was at last starting to find an even keel although it was bland it stayed where it was supposed to (in my belly) we had yet another little gamble and I went into panic stations as I had no dollar bills and I was too lazy to break a bill I put a twenty dollar bill in and then the  machine went tilt(oh bugger) I wasn’t a happy bunny but the man soon turned up and gave me my bill back(thank the lord) we headed out and took some pictures and again there was much hilarity especially as G wanted things done right two go’s at everything.

After a good day we headed back to the hotel snapping pictures all the way I will admit that the mask was a ghastly nightmare as soon as it went on the heat just went through the bloody roof I couldn’t wear the bloody thing for more than ten seconds at a time but hey ho it was bloody worth it, even though I was a tad shy even I wouldn’t do some of the things that E wanted me to do (don’t go there). Back at the hotel we started to pack as the tomorrow was the day for heading home and the wife was soon stealing all of the toiletries (WHY?) we both got dressed like adults we were heading to the Pepper Mill a restaurant I had been looking forward to all week and with my stomach finally settled down I wanted food.

We headed back to the bus stop but the ticket machine stole a dollar off me, it said it didn’t like the bill and just kept it I’m glad it was only a dollar bill the robbing bastards (felt like I was back in the Robbers den) but we soon got over the hump and jumped on board the deuce but the driver was an absolute hoot the best one yet and again to describe his patter wouldn’t do it justice just take it from me it was cracking! We got a seat and jumped off at the right place thanks to the hilarious description of every stop, we headed round the corner and there was the Pepper Mill resplendent in neon and looking bloody good!

We didn’t have to wait long to get seated and the girl who served us was the best of the holiday, I opted for steak which I enjoyed but my starter was a lobster bisque soup which was the best thing I ate all the time I was in America (but it was just a tad rich watch this space!) Poor E had enough to feed a family of four (hundred) after we finished we headed into the other side of the restaurant which had a fire pit, we ordered a couple of drinks and enjoyed our blue surroundings, we had other places to go to so we said our farewells and headed (for me that should read hobbled) off to get the bus. We boarded the bus for what was to be our last bus journey of the holiday and had to endure a miserable bus driver (he must have transferred over from the north east of England) who used the recorded messages telling people where they were instead of being just a tad dramatic.

We ended up at Freemont Street which was good and had a party kind of vibe and we wandered through the crowds looking at the various stages littered up and down the street, we were hoping to see Sin City Sinners, a super group covers band who we finally found at the bottom end of the strip past the Zip wire and they were good however I was suffering from a blonde moment working out who the band were the drummer I didn’t know but he was good even when he did an impression of Rick Allen of Def Leppard by tucking his arm inside his T-Shirt the bass player was familiar it turns out he plays with LA Guns (that’s not where I knew him from) and we had Brent Muscat from Faster Pussycat  but the other guitarist although very familiar I have to admit I had to admit defeat I just couldn’t place him until the band introductions, the bass player finally struck me where I knew him from, he had been at the Brian Tichy gig the other night and E was filled lust when he hit the stage and hated me when I realised he had been sat behind us in the venue she could have had a bit more time to lust over him, the other guitarist was only Eric Dover I won’t bore you with his long list of bands but I first encountered him playing with Jellyfish and after I reminded him(it was twenty long years ago) about abusing him in Redcar he actually remembered that he didn’t know the obscure B-Side me and my mate Warren had been shouting for, at least I made a lasting impression. The band played a couple of great sets they also had a singer who spent more time n the rest room than I had for the entire holiday, the amount of singing he did was about 40% of the set, the rest of the band did the other 60%, as the night progressed the freaks arrived (there’s some everywhere) and started to do the drunk dance which from a distance was funny, between sets we headed off to an Indian (native American) shop to look at the merchandise and to watch E Glare at G in case he bought (yet) more stuff at this moment the soup decided although it liked me it didn’t like me enough to stay in my body so I scuttled off to find a restroom, I think even if I had been healthy this would have happened as the soup was so rich and I don’t normally do rich food, it wasn’t a problem I didn’t have to sprint I was able to take my time I just knew the train was coming into the station so I had better find said station hahaha!

After a little more gambling and a little drink we caught the last set of the band and then rather than try and fight our way onto a bus or even after not being able to do that we decided to jump in a taxi ahead of the crowds, now this soured the evening for me as it seemed to me he went the long way round and he was so disappointed with his miniscule tip (ya robbing bastard) we settled down for a last little drink and some more gambling before heading up to hit the hay one last time, the adventure was very nearly over and although I had enjoyed it I hoped I hadn’t been the fly in the ointment for everybody else!

Fashion

Fashion.

Oh what a surprise I slept in (again) I could only apologise to G and E my body clock is just playing tricks on me and mine, we weren’t going far just to the mall behind our hotel so I don’t think I was in the dog house for too long although the wife was accosted by a chap handing out cd’s (who then wanted some money erm no feck off!) she soon caught up with us and we were soon knee deep in hand bags and me and G were gawping at gay staff wearing scarf’s indoors, now please don’t get upset, we aren’t homophobic it’s just this guy had stolen his entire  style from G when he goes into handbag mode (what you haven’t seen G do his hand bag mode ...you lucky bastards!) we were starting to get hungry and E was disappointed with the handbag selection although the wife got one (what a surprise) so we distracted E by giving the wife the map and then lost the next three days in a Bermuda triangle style affair which only ended when me and G were able to pull us from the magnetic force field and for us to head true north (let’s just say the wife wouldn’t be an ideal partner for a shopping centre orienteering course) we headed up into the food court I wasn’t sure what to have as my stomach was getting better every day, I love the food in America I didn’t want to kill the day by overdoing it! I was tempted to have a Nathan’s hot dog again but instead opted for the Wendy’s breakfast bun which if truth be told was a bit too much for me (but I did eat it all) so again I sat a wee while and contemplated my next course of action thankfully it was to press on and go shopping (woo hoo).

We wandered far and wide and I must have been feeling well as I went into shopping centre mode taking a few snaps for a project back at work which got everybody’s interest (result) we dabbled in a little bit of this and that and G looked at lenses and stuff and while G was strutting his stuff he came across Neo who G knew straight away as he is down with his rap stars, E was well impressed until he admitted over hearing who it was, everybody disappeared into the Levi’s shop (I’m too fat at the moment to spend money on expensive jeans but it’s what I’m aiming for) and after a short period of time E came and got me as the wife wanted an opinion (me wanted in 34 countries by the fashion police and she wants my advice yeah right) at this point I realised I should have gone in the shop straightaway as G had been running amok and the staff thought The Tee Hee Club were/are mental and it would be fun to party with (her words not ours what can I say our reputation is worldwide) at this point the wife went into E T mode and had to phone home and G without Kes his homing kestrel but with superior map reading skills soon found her one, crisis averted we headed back to Treasure Island.

While we got sorted G wanted some batteries for the flash that he had bought he just shook his head when I produced a pack of twelve (admittedly Kodak ones that are cack but I do like to be prepared) and while G flashed the early evening away in camera mode we closed the door on the profanities and violence and for the first day of the holiday we went into money mode (normally I’m worried in the airport getting there) we had a budget and we were on course (unbelievable with our reputation) so we were happy I wanted to get some spare cash out on my card (just to be on the safe side) and we managed to do that but the card was funny from there on in and I was in major stressed mode that we had over spent and potentially might not be able to pay the hotel bill(sneaky tax I mean) at the end of the week(actually when we got home and the bill turned up we had spent about half of what we were expecting to so I have no idea what the problem was (the bunch of tw@ts..... continued at rant.com)Problem solved we relaxed and headed out  to the Hard Rock Cafe thankfully there was no Con Air so we didn’t have to worry about any low flying traffic, we got in and it was nice I have to admit I was more interested in the memorabilia (and I seriously do doubt if Vince Neil ever got into the pants that they claim belonged to him) it was at this point once I started to gamble that I realised drinking and gambling shouldn’t go hand in hand as I was sloppy (but I won)  thankfully we didn’t stay long as in the mood I was in potentially I could have lost $4 instead of my usual $3 hahaha.

We marshalled our forces and jumped into a Taxi and headed out to the Crown and Anchor an English themed pub a short ride away (although on a previous holiday G had walked it nutter) we sat and ordered although G did ask if the waitress had ever seen a chicken with fingers as he ordered cue blank stare and nervous laugh “you guys are English then” oh yes we are how did she guess, we did  assure her  that G was safe and we received Brown ale on draught (yuk) but we had to fly the flag, the food was lovely I was finally getting my sea legs so to speak for the food but the brown ale would haunt me for the rest of the evening (not that I minded) and after the meal I was stuffed for the first time since getting to America damn it, we stepped outside and enjoyed a lovely clear night sky and as we waited for our cab back to the hotel one guy came out as he was heading home and he recognised our accents and we had a short but pleasant chat about our pleasant and green land, then the taxi pulled in and set off only to have to endure Mr. Misery as a driver and we were glad to get out at the other end we headed  upstairs we had a busy day tomorrow it was our last full day and we had an awful lot to do and it was going to be the day that “Peter” finally arrived on the strip! watch out Vegas Peter is coming to town and he’s bringing his Buckets T-shirt with him this could only get messy, I had a lot of catching up to do! but we were prepared and loaded for bear we didn’t care if we brought the whole damn town crashing down around our ears!

Kicking Up Dust

Kicking up dust.

Well I’m probably as fit as I’m going to be, I’ve had just over 260 minutes of sleep and I’m sat here hot to trot (I do believe I have some catching up to do) waiting for the world (well ok just The Tee Hee Club then) to get up and crack on. I’m sat at the window twenty five floors up watching the traffic flow and down the strip ooh I’m all excited I do believe the holiday (for me at least starts right here right now). I’m sat once again waiting for the man in the red Santa suit (no not SMOR) to pop down the chimney I intend to fill myself full of painkillers (always a good plan) and damn the consequences. The wife woke up and was happy to see me up and about and we stood watched the best sunrise I have ever seen this was a great omen I was happy and I liked it!

The sun itself rose so fast I thought I was in a vampire film but as it rose so did my emotions and I now understand why in the old days some people allegedly worshiped the sun as a god my heart was full as was I of drugs hahaha! We headed out and jumped on the monorail (the monorail...oops sorry my favourite Simpsons episode) we headed to the MGM Grand which as a hotel was OK and the rest rooms were a 5 out of 10, we ended up on the CSI experience (which the wife had wanted to do since ooooh 2009) we all did it as a little team which was just as well because the wife would have more competitive then the Russians at the height of the cold war! To say that she had a great time was an understatement we bought a few goodies as the youngest is just as obsessed as the wife is with all things CSI related. We moved on after a look at the shops and we were going to do the buffet for breakfast but for some reason (I will admit I wasn’t paying my full attention) it was a no go so headed to the Rainforest cafe where we were dealt with the surliest members of staff we encountered on the holiday (hence the smallest tip) G was getting ready to go atomic as we were directly in the path of a photographic display and when people were about to take a picture G went into spaz mode with his weird eye movement, I would love to see the peoples reaction when they see the table of people from the sunshine club in the background hahaha he was right though it couldn’t have busier if they had stuck us in the middle of the road on the strip! I should have had a fit then I could have sued them for the camera flash’s going off at this moment my stomach was still fragile so I didn’t overload it (I had the shrimp if you’re interested you’re not oh dear tough shit then!)But again it tasted bland and I didn’t really enjoy it the atmosphere soured it a tad but G went back into Kes mode (see previous chapters) so that got the juices flowing and we were a happy band yet again.

At this particular junction there was much talking about fajita’s, cheese and snorting and swooping was most definitely the order of the day (I suppose you had to be there not that I want to spill the beans but ladies honestly) we headed out and at this point I needed some new trainers I had gone with a pair of Asda special (cheap shite) and I didn’t want them to hinder the progress of the rest of the holiday the first shop I went into they might as well said “feck off” as they were very helpful it was like being back at work, fine I will take my English dollars with me you ungrateful whelps! As we wandered further we found a sports bar where we watched the last twenty minutes of the Newcastle vs. Arsenal match (which we jinxed) where we had a quick drink and G even managed to have his first (medicinal) shot of Jagermeister of the holiday! The match ended badly (boo hoo) and the prices weren’t the cheapest of the holiday either (double boo hoo) we left beaten but not distraught and as we rounded the corner we discovered a Footlocker where the guy got the quickest sale of his career and a free pair of Asda trainers! We did a few more casinos (and restrooms thankfully in an upright position) we decided to go off on a jolly jaunt to Cowtown Boots which although it had moved from its original location we thought (wrongly) that it was closer than it actually was, but we soldiered on and although at the first point of asking for directions (she wasn’t that nice was she Grrr) we were lied to and we headed back on that dusty road through derelict town and I regretted almost instantly that I hadn’t kept my old trainers as although the new ones were fantastic I’m used to cheap and nasty ones these should have been broken in and I had already skinned my heels and was running out of painkillers (and I couldn’t see any friendly drug dealers kicking up dust) for my knees we ventured on another 3000 miles (ok a slight exaggeration but only just) where the ladies yet again took the bull by the horns and asked at a Holiday Inn for directions and not only were we headed in the right direction the lady there told us to jump in to their minivan and she took us all the way there which was about a mile further down the road(now that’s what I call service and we weren’t even guests ha-ha only in America) now Cowtown boots was great and to be honest if I had been in a better frame of mind I probably would have spent some money, although the wife did get a lovely pair of boots and I was tempted to buy a cowboy hat (the original twat in a hat) but I didn’t as I have a head shaped like a peanut and I’m not sure how to get a hat that will actually fit, as they all perch on the top of my noggin!

After our spree we headed out back and jumped in a taxi that took us all the way back to the hotel I have to admit to being a tad nervous as the driver was struggling with the controls as though he was wrestling an alligator the others didn’t notice as they were in the back playing with the TV yes that’s right the TV! We chilled awhile then headed back downstairs to do a bit of gambling (well it would be rude not to) and a little drinking (it would be really rude not to)so we stayed close to home and roamed the floor looking for one cent machines(the last of the big gamblers we are !) like a herd of deer out on the Serengeti, and after a few hours doing this I wondered if anybody else was hungry and fancied something to eat, it was there that our problems really started as we could order any pizza at the hotels pizzeria long story short in the city that never sleeps on a Monday night he hotel pizzeria wanted to close at midnight let’s just say we took the pip and took our custom elsewhere but we couldn’t decide where  , we wandered up the strip and found it was the same at the next casino I don’t remember which I was hungry full of drink and in pain on the way back they wouldn’t hold the tram for me so I just get on walking I really did think I was back in Newcastle , we headed off to Walgreens got a couple of sandwiches and went to bed where I believe the other half of the team gambled a bit more and then G got his nuts stuck in a machine another long story which isn’t really suitable for the younger reader!

Fight the good fight!

Fight the good fight!

So we arose (and I wasn’t the last fecker up) and my tummy seemed (fingers crossed) fragile but better so we gathered the troops and headed out once more to catch a bus and head in the opposite direction to where we went yesterday. We had all slept well (apart from E who had spent the best part of the night looking for Kestrel eggs) and we were heading to the Stratosphere at the other end of the strip and the bus was busy with locals at this time of the day and not tourists, we ended up on the top deck and we got separated, so instead of chatting to my compatriots I people watched and listened to the local Patois! There was a couple of girls laughing and saying how it had kicked off at a house party the night before and some girl had brought a knife and was going to stab somebody but couldn’t find the person she wanted to stab and these girls didn’t know why she wanted to stab this other person so they were going to ask her at church today (WTF)! I also listened to the youth (about 15-16 I would say) sat next to me who was even at this time of the morning using all the tricks in his not inconsiderable arsenal to get in his girlfriends pants (boy have I led a sheltered life) the wife had to shout at me twice (well I am deaf you know) as we arrived at our destination.

I have to admit that the Stratosphere end of the strip was a little like home (sad and rundown) but we had a job to do and we were going to do it(gamble that is) we had a wander and it was ok and I didn’t feel the need to visit the rest rooms at all (result) we headed back out onto the strip again for a late breakfast early lunch and we ended up at IHOP which made the wife happy mind you the family (army) of Mexicans who demolished their table thankfully left because I think that E (with all mothering oops sorry I mean smothering instinct) was about to go out and buy a bat to settle their hash the noisy little blighters! (Cue much hissing!) at this point I was hungry and didn’t care I wanted a Philly cheese steak sandwich and was going to have one whatever the cost (at that moment in time I didn’t realise that I didn’t have my medication with me brave or stupid you decide?) but we ate and lived to tell the tale although I was a good boy and waited to make sure I wasn’t going to explode(which thankfully I didn’t) although I did try the rest room although at this point in time for the first time standing in this holiday!

We strolled in the heat back up the way we came and we found a small block of shops and a great off licence although we were good and didn’t buy anything, we had a bit more of a gamble (at Circus Circus I believe) and then wandered off up the road where we ended up at the Riviera which when we got in looked like a working men’s club on a Tuesday  afternoon (empty and desolate) I nearly got knocked on my ass by the bloody tumbleweeds and it really was sorry to see what was once a great hotel in a bad way( when I got home I googled it and the hotel is in administration  owing over $250 million mainly due to the collapse of the building industry as all the hotels around where pulled down with new ones to be built and they never were so consequently the pedestrian traffic has virtually dried up) we did a little gambling had a drink and moved on we ended up at the Wyn next and golly gosh jeepers this was wonderful they even had a huge singing frog in one of the restaurants  for the rich people we just stayed at the windows and gazed in again I googled the hotel and it is one of the top three hotels in the WORLD and I can believe it.

It was at this point I wandered off by myself and got a bit teary as I thought about my mum, I hadn’t meant to and if you have read the stuff I write I don’t normally do emotion (I blame the wife me for trying to get me to open up and be all touchy feely bleurgh)I was looking in the shop windows (one thing I did notice purely because I work primarily in the retail business how empty the shops were some staff and if you were lucky one bloody customer and this was in all of Las Vegas) and in amongst all this splendour was a shop selling Oscar de la Renta clothes and I just wished my mum could have been there again if you have read some of my earlier stuff my mum had it hard and again didn’t want for anything but she would have loved being here and the one thing she ever said that she wanted was a dress by Oscar de la Renta(which she never got and here was me standing outside one of his bloody shops), I just felt like I had been punched in the (already sore) stomach, when the wife caught up to me and saw being weepy I think she was more shocked than I was, it was over as soon as it had started but it caught me completely by surprise. But it was nice to have such good memories of her all we needed would be to have had the song Danny Boy play in the back ground and I would have been sprinting up the bloody strip!

As we wandered around and back towards the hotel a lot of people were actually staring (and why not) at my Buckets t-shirt one guy even fell off the kerb while trying to read it and not watching where he was going hey mister watch out that’s how accidents happen hahaha! E reckons that I should charge the buckets for all the free advertising (have a word with my business manager guys) although in all honesty I’m probably too much of a hippy to be that interested in materialistic thing (as I get beaten about the head and shoulders by my new business manager E) but in the city of t-shirts with many weird and wonderful slogans my buckets t-shirt is standing head and shoulders above them all, me and E might just call back to the Bellagio to see if we could get the Buckets a residency!

As the day was coming to a close and I had been such a good boy with regards my stomach and the requirement for rest rooms I split from the herd while they wanted to actually see the pirate show from outside the hotel as opposed to watching it at a height within our rooms, my knees had kicked in although if I’m honest (I’m telling you if I was a pet I would have put down about four years ago) they were sore from the get go but my Klack Valve issues had taken precedent, I went to the room while the wife went off in search of a sandwich but when she arrived back wind (not mine) had caused the cancellation of the noisy bloody pirates so we kicked back and chilled (and I wrote some notes for the day) and got ready for the next day of mystery and mayhem!

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel so low.

It’s at this point I (really) hate myself I feel as though I’m spoiling the holiday for everybody! I’m physically drained and have never felt so tired in all my bloody life, I have an arse that feels as though it’s been crossed with a baboon’s and fecking blood orange (too much? ..... sorry I feel like I can share hahahaha) My chest feels like I stepped into the ring with a certain Mr. Tyson and he played with my rib cage for 14 rounds then blew me down with a feather (at this point any fecker could) and then just to be sure I was given a hug off the hulk (ouch) I think the best thing at this point would be for me really just for me to get my coat (taxi for Me).

I know I have worked so hard for this holiday and me and the wife sold our souls so we could actually come and have some fun and I’m being all melodramatic and needy! The only thing I feel that I have contributed so far to the holiday is “FUCK ALL” and boy I feel so low I could crawl under a snakes belly with a top hat on (yes G a racing snakes belly).

I’m starving and I can’t eat anything, well I could but my stomach rejects it like an organ that hasn’t been sown in properly (don’t go there), I’m hoping that everybody is having a much better time and not saying “let’s just bury him out in the desert” behind my back, actually the wife could join the air force she is flying so bloody high and I know some of it is pure happiness mixed with a just a smidgen of caffeine. I am trying but if I’m honest if this was a horror film I would be the first one dead (or the actual killer being devious) or in a Star Trek episode I would be wearing the red top of the security detail (in other words dead as a fecking dodo) I really do feel as though I’m slowing everybody down and the raptors are going to pop out of the undergrowth and pick me off!

What is really killing me is that I’m the first one to bed and last one up its like the wife has date raped me (ha I wish) I wasn’t even awake as we left the hotel this morning, thankfully some people needed some of that black motivator stuff yeah that’s right coffee, so I managed to gather my (what few I had left) wits about me. We had decided to travel to the far end of the strip by bus. Now we Brits are used to public transport but some Yanks just aren’t (the ones with money) we don’t know how the Americans travel but we worked it out in the two steps it  takes to get on the bus from the pavement so we grabbed a place but  G and E still had their coffee so elected to wait until the next one, but the people who got on after us with a huge wedge of money didn’t understand a word of what was being said and judging by the accent they were from the same state as the bus driver  it just didn’t compute he had to say it twice and the couple looked at him as though he was describing how to build a nuclear reactor, finally some nice person (who had lost the will to live) pushed past and they saw how if the monkey did a certain thing they got a reward in their case a bloody bus ticket, so we travelled and enjoyed the jaunt and listened to the driver (he could teach the bus drivers back home a thing or two) he wasn’t particularly funny or anything just describing the route in a “good ole boy” accent and he kept saying (because the bus service was called the deuce) “rolling the deuce” everytime he pulled away from a stop. We jumped off at the last stop and waited (and waited) for G and E to turn up Americans aren’t really big on time tables (they don’t have the buggers) at one point a gardener turned up doing his bits and pieces with tonnes of shrubbery on the back of his little van we half expected our friends to be hanging on the back, we waited probably about twenty minutes and it was nice just to sit and chat, but my body by this time had woke up and was thinking how it could exact revenge, once we were a group again we went (in my case ran) towards Mandalay bay which was lovely (and definitely had the best restrooms of the holiday) the guy in the stall next to me wanted to know if I needed a doctor or the police because somebody had died in my stall! I thanked him for his concern but I had no organs to sell for to see a Dr in his country as I knew they would want to do a battery of tests for something that would get better on its own! Problem solved the wife handed me a bottle of water (which was drank in two gulps) and we headed to start the day properly (with a bit of gambling).

We now had a cunning plan and had a look around and then headed to the Luxor (I have no intention of reviewing every hotel we went into,( buy a rough guide book you cheap bastard!) where we decided to have a late breakfast early lunch, we had a look around the food court and me and the wife headed to Nathan’s for hotdogs and fries which were lovely and I kept mine inside my body for a grand total of three minutes, the restrooms in the Luxor are quite nice as well hahaha (this was really starting to drag me down) before we did some gambling this time I wanted cheering up and decided to buy myself a coat I had spotted something in a Harley Davison shop the day before and low and behold there was another one and because I was so low I wanted to do some “retail therapy” to cheer me up (me with my reputation) as it happens I had just about talked myself out of it when the chap said it’s reversible camouflage outside (at the moment) and black with the Harley logo on the inside “sod it” I was having it I don’t think I spent this much on clothes all of last year combined, I just wanted something nice I was in touch with my feminine side, while paying for it I needed my passport and the wife had buggered off and the girl said “what is she wearing and I will see if we can find her” I didn’t have a bloody clue my mind like my bowels were completely empty thankfully the wife wandered back into view just as the girl asked “do you want to wear the coat or have it wrapped” WTF it was 75 degrees outside do I want to wear it I politely said “no”  and our little merry band moved on and yes it did indeed cheer me up!

It was at this moment that I realised that there were indeed a lot of people wandering around in what we would consider winter clothing including scarf’s (dear lord) we are in Las Vegas people this place gets around eleven days of rain a years (I’m surprised we didn’t get seven of the bloody things) we had a bit more of a look around and just a little bit more gambling, but as we headed up the strip we called into a chemist for much needed supplies (finally the turning point of the holiday as at this point I stopped needing the medication but we had a barrel load on hand just in case) on the way past we stopped to have a look at the fountains at the Bellagio (sorry girls no George Clooney or Arm Pitt) and I had to chuckle as two men working in the pool in a rubber dingy came past waving to everybody as though they were stars (it’s like me running around at work with a fire extinguisher at work and expecting people to clap me ....Feck off losers) the display was lovely and afterwards we had a look inside and although it’s one of the more high end hotels the people with money are just as big a bunch of slobs as us common people, with them putting their feet up on the furniture at this point I just wanted to slap them (see I was starting to feel better) and the house keeping was decidedly sloppy as all of the skirting boards needed dusting hahaha!

We headed back on up the strip stopping again for food at this point I was past caring I was full of bravery (and Imodium) we still headed up the hill although I was Ok as I now knew the location of every restroom in a five mile radius, we made it back to the room with no further issues (hopefully) this was a good sign. It was at this point the wife became Tits McGee as I noticed she was hiding money in her bra (odd woman) we got ready as we were heading out to a club called Vamp’d where Brian Tichy’s band were playing and we had been added to the guest list (how good is that I can’t even do that in my hometown without the aid of SMOR) we jumped into a taxi and I have to admit I was a tad concerned as we were heading to a place that was basically a trading estate, but we were feeling brave we even had an opinion on American politics (the guy could have had a gun hahaha) the night took a strange turn as we got out of the taxi at the venue and the first thing we saw was a sign stating “No colours and no firearms” WTF it’s not the Wouldy then?

The club was small and compact and as always put English clubs to shame great sound system and doesn’t stink of urine and hey they don’t rob you like the fecking robbers den! We chilled and sat outside and we all people watched although if G had had a Swiss army knife he might have fixed the heaters for the staff hahaha we watched people pulling in on bikes it had a nice vibe and I spotted somebody in the back ground who I thought I knew but I didn’t but he does pop up in a later chapter (in a good way). The wife spotted someone who she thought was famous but we didn’t believe her (oh boy were we wrong) and then the band came on and I enjoyed them in a Led Zeppelin kind of way and Sass Jordan (look her up) is still as good a singer as she was twenty five years ago! It was at this point we realised that we should have brought some extra batteries (D’oh!) for the camera, so we shut it down to save what we needed and the wife used her phone, the show over we headed back stage to say thank you and to say goodbye (which was meant to be a quick goodbye) but we got into conversations and the wife was right and we were indeed introduced to Jake E Lee guitarist with Ozzy Osbourne back in the eighties, and he was fascinated by my Buckets t-shirt (as he should have been) we even got him to look them up on his I Phone on you tube, and when he asked the history of the band I was amazed he knew who Hellanbach were.

Again I didn’t want to be rude to Mr. Tichy for getting us in but we also had left our friends (who although thought the gig ok weren’t bothered about meeting more rock stars) I finally dragged her out as we again said farewell and thank you! Thankfully G and E were OK and said we needn’t apologise (but we is nice people hahaha) we sat and waited for our Taxi on the way back the more attentive of us (not me) noticed the time was off (the clocks had gone forward) we got in our rooms and said goodnight only to hear knocking at the adjoining doors which was G confirming that the feckers had indeed stolen an hour of our holiday he actually was ranting and calling them all “dirty Mackums” it was at this point G found Three Kestrel eggs (see previous chapter) and he was overjoyed E wasn’t (ok so they were three blue speckled jelly beans) but we did have just a little drinkie poos we again said our goodnights leaving E to deal with G in full flow saying that he was going to “take care” and hatch the eggs it was only the next morning we found out that E had virtually stripped the bed looking for the offending ”eggs” so not to roll over and squash one (hahaha) only to be told by G that after all her hard work they were safe and sound inside his belly, damn I wish I had been a fly on the wall in their room that night, but plans had been made and I was back in the land of nod but the corner had been turned and although I was still ill and was even when I went back to work (I think that’s what the cold sweats were) it was time for The Tee Hee Club to show what we were made of bring it on ......oh Yeah!

Caffeine Bomb

Caffeine Bomb.

I awoke a stranger in a strange land and for just a second I really didn’t have a clue where the hell I was and then everything swung back into focus and yes I still felt like hammered shite but there was something strange floating in the room and although for just a second I thought I was in a Harry Potter movie with Voldemort floating over me, when in reality it was the wife fussing about (this didn’t feel good) she was wired like a speed freak looking for a fix she had barely slept and had taken it upon herself to go for a wander about Las Vegas by herself and had decide to call into Starbucks for a coffee (oh shit) she had wanted to get a phone card so she could phone home,(E T) but even in my state I could see she was heading towards the stratosphere (and I’m not talking about the bloody hotel) what with me being poorly and the Kraken out of sorts this wasn’t the start we were hoping for!

Now the wife is the tech person in our house I struggle with pen and paper (you don’t say) and everytime we had been in the states she knows what she is doing with phone cards and the like, so it didn’t look good when she was cursing at the woman on the phone who was giving instructions in Spanish (oops!) thankfully it was an automated system otherwise the thought of local law enforcement kicking in the door to take out the mad woman was not a pleasing one. She finally decided to go another route but not before heading down to reception to see if they could help but we did get the internet sorted out (for free as well take note UK Hotels ya bunch of robbing....continued at rant.com).

Then we were conversing with the youngest via farcebook it wasn’t the best solution but it was better than nothing, and we even tried to sort out the video conferencing thingy majig .....Nope that wasn’t going to do it and neither did Skype well ok maybe the wife is the tech person of the family when she isn’t flying at 70000 feet! The whole up shot was that technology sucks and for once it wasn’t me that was at fault (well maybe I was but with being ill I took no bloody notice) we heard a knock at the adjoining room door as the other half of the team where hot to trot off for breakfast (please let me be able to eat something) we had a cunning plan and we headed back out onto the strip trying not very successfully to keep the wife away from those pesky Mexicans who seemed as if they had been there all bloody night!

We had decided upon Hash Hash a go go which sounded great and we took our time to amble up the strip looking at the local sights in daylight it was much easier to take it in that and the eight hours sleep I had had. On the way up I went into people watching mode and was amazed at the amount of tattoo’s and of how many were either of a religious significance or they had the bloody tree of life on their arms this was going to be a tad interesting, upon arrival the queue was out the door and we booked a table and were told to come back in twenty or so minutes so we headed back downstairs to have a little flutter which was to begin with a little surreal at no times did the casino’s actually have any down time at no point did they ever appear to have a lull there was always a multitude of people feeding the machines not that we minded because we intended to join them on a regular basis over the next seven days!

We headed back to the restaurant where Mark our server showed us to our tables it was as we were being led to our table that I noticed that the portions were of a gargantuan size (oh shit)  it was at this point that E mentioned that the place had been on the TV programme Man Vs. Food (double oh shit) so we looked interested and again I wanted to partake as this is what I love about America so I looked blankly at the menu not being able to focus at all and finally when it was my turn to choose I just blindly picked that please (pork and mash) when in reality what I should have done is just had a side of bacon and eggs, my mind was in shutdown mode and my guts were about to go on strike, the food turned up and I went into immediate shock  I didn’t stand a cat in hells chance and I knew before I pulled my sharp knife like Excalibur from the half a pig on my plate, everybody knew I was struggling just to sit in the bloody restaurant but I manned up and attempted to digest it (fool) I probably managed about eight mouthfuls (my biggest regret of the holiday food wise because it was lovely) it was smothered in a sauce that was so rich I knew that if ate any of it I might as well just scrap my plate down the toilet , what I had was lovely but it was way too early in the holiday for me to even think about attempting such a feast I was saying as many prayers as possible to as many gods that I could think of for this not to be the shape of things to come!

Everybody finished theirs including the wife and her biggest pancake in the world with a cup of strong coffee to follow……and it did follow well actually more like lead the charge! actually that’s not strictly true G under strict orders from E had to attempt the half of Ostrich that E couldn’t finish, which he did bless his cotton little socks. We then attacked the nearest casinos in our game plan and slowly had a pleasant day with a small flutter here and there, we eventually headed back to regroup and replan (and for me to rest my weary bones) when those bloody pirates and there shenanigans kicked off again we were ready this time although I had headed back to the tub for another long soak to rest my knees and my ribs that were suffering from all the puking on the plane. After a short respite we gathered our reserves it was at this moment G revealed he had the body of a racing snake to say we were all stunned was an understatement. Once we had all recovered from that little outburst and headed back to more casinos than you could shake a stick at, by this time I was really hungry so we split our forces and while the seasoned gamblers went off one way we decided to go with the safest food known to humans (McDonalds) and although I enjoyed the meal it didn’t stay inside me long but at least I had managed to eat the bloody thing ( I felt as though I was being sponsored by Imodium) the others turned up to recue us and we enjoyed an evening of gambling and me dutifully knowing how to plot a course to any restroom that was in the buildings we were in!

The evening progressed and I was a good boy I didn’t drink anything other than water (damn and blast) but G was doing what I had wished to be doing, having a blast and only getting told off every three minutes instead of every other minute he soon had a jug of beer (it comes in jugs!....no really don’t go there) and we ended up as far as we wanted to the wife was starting to growl at the exotic (that means bored) dancers so we steered a course to some Bandits and set her away and although we never won big we usually covered our outgoings and we ambled through the casino ending up by a Chinese restaurant and E had won big so we weren’t going anywhere until she had lost it all (ever the optimist) at this point the world got surreal and moved sideways G headed off to the restroom and while stood at the cubicle doing what chaps do an American asked him if he had  had a great day now unfortunately that’s not what G heard he thought the guy had said “Craig David” (WTF) to which G replied with his arm held aloft “aye kes is a canny bird c’mon” now I’m not sure that many Americans know who the hell the character Bo Selecta is but G came back in stitches  and when he told us I thought I was going to have a bloody stroke E was going to use G’s jug to refill but not with beer and the wife was also in hysterics! now written down its simply not as hilarious but ask G when he’s had a drink to re run through the story where he does all the actions and you will literally laugh your socks off , we finally regained some composure when from the restaurant there came a bellow “Reservation for G table for one” E couldn’t lose the money quick enough we had to get the hell out of dodge and quickly we made our way back down the strip dodging all the Mexicans and there dodgy cards I was amazed how much like Blackpool this place is but if I was honest I know exactly which one I would rather visit. We got back in one piece and with cunning plans in our heads we all headed off to hit the hay, although the day had stated poorly (for me at least) we were getting our sea legs so to speak as Ozzy Osbourne always says “let the madness begin” we intend to do our best to fulfil our obligations to the contract hahahaha.

The return of Mr Creosote!

The Return of Mr. Creosote!

The hotel was well and truly silent when we woke from deep slumbers, the wife looked better but my sleep had been disturbed by dreams of work related items with everybody singing Bruno Mars songs instead of talking (WTF) I felt that I was fighting off the unwanted advances of the bloody Jalapeño from yesterday (in reality it had bugger all to do with the bloody pepper but the wife’s walking dead disease) there was something quite not right with me (go figure) and I couldn’t quite put my finger on the disease of the day. I sat around like an expectant father waiting for his first born everything packed and hot to trot for the main event.

We arrived quite quickly and got checked in quite painlessly our bags were well within the weight limits, I still had a rumbly in my tummy I was putting it down to excitement, but it was starting to nag and get louder and louder (maybe I’m just hungry we still hadn’t had our first breakfast’s filthy little hobbits) we go through the security point and I’m the only one not asked to remove my shoes (maybe the reputation of my feet go before me like a pungent odour hahaha) maybe I just look trustworthy (no comments please). We got through and then received a phone call from the youngest that the Kraken had indeed gone down with galloping gut rot and a doctor was required (it turns out that it was gastric flu, it’s not infectious is it?) I wandered into WHSmiths and bought a music related magazine and came out to see the wife looking worried but determined the youngest was stepping up to the plate (bless her cotton little socks) and we wandered through several shops looking at items (me and the wife had no intention of buying) but I was hungry as was everybody else we dodged a man with a strange moustache who was trying to sell us a raffle ticket for an Aston Martin (yeah right of course it’s not fixed)  E had a fit because G was being a tad flitty but we all calmed down and headed for Burger King (yum yum) where I let the wife decide what was required so we didn’t have a repeat of The rail station when we went to see Motley Crue, it turned up and although it was devoured I still felt decidedly off, now with being cack for the last 10 months or so I wasn’t intending to spoil the flight/holiday if I could help it (guess what yeah your right I couldn’t) we headed back to the shops just to waste some time and as we headed to the gate  the wife decided to ask some passing policemen if their weapons were heavy (don’t ask) we had been at the gate for about two minutes when all of a sudden there was a security alert and yes you guessed it the whole world went into total spaz mode now I have to admit it was the least organised evacuation drill I have ever seen with staff who didn’t know what they were doing with no direction or instruction, staff asking other staff what the hell was going on let’s just say if they were my staff I would be ripping through them like a headless horseman with a bloody big sword chopping at the idiots who actually were fighting because they didn’t know what the hell they were supposed to be doing. On a scale of one to ten they would get absolutely nothing well ok maybe about another 12 drills until they got it right, because on that viewing the staff at Manchester airport are Shite! mind you that is only my professional opinion, I was tempted to write to them and say how bad it was but I’m sure they didn’t want to hear my constructive criticism, we were then allowed back to the gate only to be told that the alert wasn’t over and they moved us on again only to be sent back for the third time (Grrr!).

At this moment in time I really did need the little boy’s room and as I rushed there the feeling disappeared just as fast as it had come. I washed to make myself a little fresher and I did indeed feel a whole lot better, false alarm over we headed to Boots the Chemists to get some supplies I was a tad nervous even though I felt that much better I had a nagging feeling dripping seeds of doubt into my head! Back at the gate we sat and waited and then from out of nowhere it hit me like a bucket of water being thrown over me and I was as sick as a dog that’s just ate a five day old dead rat, the wife was concerned I was so crappy I didn’t want to be touched (warning it’s going to get a tad graphic in a bit) I decided to head back to the ablutions and I got there just in time as whatever was inside me decided to erupt like a bloody volcano, and I just got in position and sat when what seemed like every drop of fluid had passed through me, like Harry Potter had waved a magic wand I felt like a million dollars after the eruption so I did all the right things I even washed my hands twice (I didn’t want to give anybody what I had) but thankfully I had colour back in my cheeks I guzzled a bottle of water so I had at least some fluids in me then and we finally boarded and got our seats we were finally on our way nothing could go wrong now (SHUT THE FECK YOU BLOODY MUPPET!!!).

About an hour in and I’m sat watching the little pirates island on the onboard flight map on the screen I had no intention of watching any films I intend to go over my notes and see if I could get a rough semblance of order for the chapters that I hadn’t wrote, the crew came round with our complimentary drinks(lemonade for me please and some funny looks from G), we settled back as they brought the in flight meal (bangers and mash lovely I could eat a scabby horse) and after three tiny bites (I was being extremely careful) I realised I wasn’t better at all and if I ate anymore I would suffer big style (too late) I put the meal to one side and after it was collected in I headed for the smallest room on the plane for round two but this time I erupted from both ends with a lot more force than the original attack it was back with a vengeance and this time it intended not to take any prisoners. After about half an hour mainly cleaning the bathroom I couldn’t leave it for anybody else to tidy up and a small episode three I staggered back to my seat as though Mike Tyson had been having a work out on my ribs and let’s not just go anywhere near the pain in my lower regions, I did feel better but now all I wanted to do was sleep and that’s exactly what I did with the wife taking very good care of me for the rest of the journey even though I had another episode about an hour later my tee hee club t-shirt looked like I had been using it as a dish cloth in a fast food restaurant! I was a tad unhappy at this point (the curse of the Kraken had hit me hard), I then slept for the next three and a half hours but in reality all I wanted to do was lie down and stretch out (but I was realistic and knew this was never going to happen).

So I soldiered on I didn’t really care this was my first proper holiday in five years and as I said death was really only going to be the thing to stop this bloody holiday, thankfully the Tee Hee club are like the Marines they don’t leave anybody behind! I love America I love the People (even the fecking rednecks) I love the culture and I have always loved a lot of American music; my only concern was to get through customs. Customs wasn’t as bad as I had expected even though I was wearing puke splattered clothing those wonderful people still let me in it actually only took about an hour, they let me through only to punish me with the Disco King for a taxi driver. We arrived outside into a lovely warm (winter for them ) breeze and we soon found a taxi that would take us all and our bags and as I melted into the back of the cab the driver decided to play ABBA and the bloody Bee Gees at full tilt I nearly strangled the tosser with his own seat belt (actually I was feeling a tad frazzled he was canny enough but I just wanted to have a bath and climb into bed) we turned up at the hotel (Treasure Island) booked in and I signed something actually it could have been the deeds of the house I have no idea at all just let me get to my room, the nice lady with the assistance of the others got us a lovely room with a view of the strip with adjoining rooms (do they not know who the hell we are hahahaha) as soon as I was in I ran a lovely deep bath and washed all the funk off me and although I still felt like shite, I felt a million times better than I had on the plane, I crawled onto the bloody big soft bed and was just dozing off when a bloody boat load of pirates rocked up outside our room and kicked some serious amounts of ass with more ordinance than a bloody Kiss concert!

Feeling better and a little bit better that the adventure was upon us and I had to up my game so not to spoil (anymore than I had already) the holiday we were all hungry so we headed out onto the strip and within minutes I was trying to stop the wife from killing 90% of the Mexican population of Las Vegas who were flicking and trying to palm off cards showing “Nice Ladies”  I wasn’t interested in anything at all at that moment in time I was hungry and I was tired, to be brutally honest it was a visual overload for this tired little camper and we ended up in Denny’s for a meal, now Denny’s is cheap and cheerful it does what it says on the box and I was grateful of having something in my stomach and thankfully it didn’t wish to escape! We had a short jaunt but the others took pity on me and we headed back to our rooms where I climbed in as quickly as possible and was asleep before the wife could ask me if I was OK ZZZZZZZZZZ!