Sunday 27 October 2013

Wish you were here.

I have no idea what happened? but the last one went all the way up in the stratosphere and is still going, I'm aware I have to get back in the saddle, if I don't the enormity of what has just happened will kill me stone dead ....in a writing kind of way!

If you were to compare the last blog numbers wise, it's my Dark side of the moon, then this will be my Wish you were here, still popular but I know it's not got a chance in hell with what went before it. with the old blog my best numbers were in the region of 470 - 480ish and I was over the moon with that, especially since all of the silliness that went on (please see previous blogs/books)with this blog I was happy when I occasionally hit triple figures, slowly slowly catchee monkey I thought was the order of the day, but right from the off numbers were strong 50 in the first hour (WTF) and then they just kept going, even today we have had over 200 hits (I really do mean WTF) of course I got pulled in and was sucker punched with over a quarter of the hits coming from Germany and a good spread from the rest of the world ( a quick hello to Sven in Denmark, Kristos and Vanessa in Greece, Sunny in South Africa, Pedro in Brazil, Stan, Marc, Luke, Summer, Peter, Christian from the US of A and far too many others to mention, new readers I'm glad you enjoyed the last post, now get cracking there's at least another 185 other ones to read ) I kept coming online to check to see if it had all stopped but nope you buggers kept reading and then some of the old ones started popping up, it's how I know that there were a lot of new readers!

So how do I follow it, I certainly ain't going to something morose, because well I haven't been morose (WTF say all the regular readers) I have had a happy feeling follow me around all week the aftermath of a great weekend (see previous blog.....oh shit you probably have) and all of you lot reading and sending me happy thoughts, I was even happy that Nils got not only the name game right, but he got both of them! good for you mate and there can be no sarcasm because I am just so happy (right about now the wife is calling for an ambulance for me to the funny farm) the bulk of the questions were indeed about the name game, thankfully I just copied and pasted the email(ooops cats out of the bag there then) to explain and over 150 people who tried actually got it right.

Back to work and back to reality, it was as  I expected, stressful but that's what work has become, I just put my head down and went for it, I did get a strange look off my main boss when I said I could make a particular annoying person go away, naturally he asked how to do it and as everybody was ducking for cover as I told him "just punch him in the throat" thankfully he saw the funny side, well he did until I told him I meant it hahaha oh dear, at least I'm an equal opportunity hater - I hate every fucker equally! go figure.

The weekend arrived, and with it the fear of what I was going to actually write about in this blog, especially as the numbers just kept going up, I have tried a few things and then binned them as they had no humour in them and they were quite flat if you get my drift, I'm glad I was able to get this posted, I then have to turn my attention back to cunning plans of where we go after this, we have a party to attend next weekend and it will be great to see friends who I haven't seen in what feels like months, and then yet another cunning plan for my birthday but I believe the wife and E have got that sorted (woo hoo) I have a feeling the Lottery is conspiring against me and the wife so that we don't have the funds at our disposal to keep the blogs from being too incendiary, but we shall keep ducking and diving hoping to avoid the strafing aircraft.

My medical problem floats in the back ground like a bad smell (trust me I know all about bad smells) I am now well and truly past the point that they said they would be in touch, so I am off a week on Friday (giving them another fortnight to send up a flare ) and you know what I intend to ring them and ask them politely have they forgotten me? the new book is trailing way behind and will not be published as I hoped as I have barely written a third of it (without treatment how can I write what is supposed to be my personal journey) so watch this space, since taking that first step I have worked some of the stuff out myself (rightly or wrongly I have no idea) and it appears I'm being a little more forceful than usual (primarily at work) I'm thinking this could get interesting.

And I will now stop the inane waffle as G is loose and the villagers are gathering torches and pitchforks and we need to get him back into his bed, before he does too much damage I will take this point to say thank you for all of the new readers and I'm under no illusion that I will ever hit these lofty heights again but you know what I don't care I have done it, if I were to stop now (and no I'm not) I would be a  happy man, so watch the skies as I have to get to grips that sometime soon I have to do this all  over again, until then Toodles!

Monday 21 October 2013

We Rock (Anti-social)

So I blogged and you guys (and gals) read it, you knew I was on holiday and you knew I wasn't really bothered, numbers have been on an upward trend for a while so I expected them to level off at some point, they haven't so lets soldier on.

Thursday.

We were off to Firefest in Nottingham we had seen it advertised lots of times just never got around to going to the bloody thing, well for some reason this time we took a chunk out of a bullet and went with the flow in reality this was our annual holiday, we have been kicked a bit financially this year (every fucking year but this year has been the worst) so I booked some holiday and worked my weekend and then entered a state of sloth, in the last blog I said I hadn't left the house, well after the blog I had to, so I could go and get our savings so we could have some drinkie poo's while away! on the way back me and the wife thought it might be a good idea to have sweeties and snacks for the trip so we called into our local Iceland to buy sweeties and stuff, when I was nearly knocked into the ice cream isle with an old dear who had  twelve bottles of lucozade and I think she thought I was going to buy the last bottle of her fave brandy (damn I can't wait to be a pensioner) as I dusted my self off the wife got her eye on a bottle of Woo Woo (more like Wee Wee) which we purchased so we could have a tipple or two at our own timescale as opposed to being told by the government when and where we can drink (damn I feel the rebel in me already) . That was the eve of battle, done and dusted we sat and veg'd and didn't really have the early night we had planned, we finally climbed the wooden hill and went to bed.

Friday.

No sooner had I shut my eyes and I was awake again alarms ringing and me dashing downstairs, so that everyone could have the cooked breakfast of their choice, the youngest being the most awkward as she doesn't like anything but she had decided to try something new so I had to experiment (19 and she has decided she likes scrambled eggs...WTF), Bacon sandwich for the wife and me....well I'm a fat bastard so I wanted the works and I didn't enjoy it, I ate it, but I didn't enjoy it, then there was a mad dash for me to carry the bags downstairs (we really needed a team of Sherpa's I mean we were going for three days so that meant three bags......again WTF) sandwiches to make, as I do like to be prepared for a jolly jaunt, and then to get the old man of the house to the kraken's who as normal was rumbling like a volcano, but we avoided an eruption and we were sat by the front door like children being evacuated because of the blitz, I was told my wellies didn't go with my shorts so I actually had to get changed! 

Our carriage and companion's arrived, Lady J was driving and her ignorant man servant Ignatius was with her (please don't take offence I always try and change the names to protect the not so innocent and Ignatius is the cleanest word I can think of after some of the names he was called trust me!) we were soon (ok it took 14 men trained in the art of Tetris 16 hours to pack the car) on our way in the fog listening to the sat nav for some strange reason enjoying the fog as we reached the A1, I fed everybody sour sweets and we enjoyed some wonderful insults as we went, as per it wouldn't really be a jolly jaunt with out the wife worried that she hadn't done something (had she locked the front door this time?) but the youngest came home for us on her way to stay at the kraken's, crisis averted we enjoyed the fog (a bit more .....not) on the way down I may even have had a little nana nap on the way to our first pit stop. A quick stretch of the legs and sandwich's consumed we jumped back in to continue on our merry way only after Ignatius had informed us that the toilets were worse than a set of festival chemical loos that were full and had been rolled down a long hill! oh dear I'm so glad I decided to wait, ho hum moving swiftly along we grabbed a place in amongst the fast moving traffic when the youngest decided to ring me as the wife's phone was on silent, it's at this point that I have to explain that my ringtone is an actual police siren and I fear I have to apologise that Lady J decided it was for real and was attempting to pull over at 80 mph erm....sorry it's only me ....oh how we laughed after the thirty two minutes of abuse, on a safer note the front door had been indeed locked!

It was at this point I deflected the abuse from me by informing Lady J that she was actually the responsible adult for the weekend as well as the designated driver, I thought we were going to have to call animal control to calm her down, cue more sour worms and she was soon soothed by the mixture of sour sherbet and jelly (mmmmmm). We finally arrived in Nottingham my first visit in over 22 years and it still looks like it was suffering the aftermath of the blitz, and we felt decidedly out of place as it seemed more like downtown Mogadishu, we were dropped of at our hotel (for safety sake we were kept separated as they only had four fire crews and a full riot squad for the whole of Nottingham) and after some nifty driving Lady J and her man servant waved us farewell as they then proceeded to take a grand tour of Nottingham to travel 700 yards to their hotel (more of which later) they could see it but they couldn't drive to it, by the time they arrived the red carpet had been sent back to the local Christian aid shop and moth rescue centre! By this time I had been gazing out of my hotel window and soon realised there were far too many grown men wearing shorts in October, did they think that they were from the toon?

Again while gazing out the window I saw the president of Mogadishu on three separate mobile phones marching back wards and forwards barking out orders (god knows if they were indeed connected) he could have been just checking on his bitches it was at this moment I realised I was missing G and spent the next hour looking at the sky for Kes, but alas Kes was nowhere to be seen. We soon decamped to a local pub (Tap&Tumbler) and this was to be the base of operations for the weekend and probably the best kept pint I have had all year it was quite delightful!

Now please don't think that this actually going to be an actual review of Firefest, its not, we didn't want to see all of the bands,so we didn't, but me and the wife saw a few more than Lady J and Ignatius, we all had a cunning plan and we were all quite happy with the arrangement, we wandered up to the venue and I found it was a smaller version of  the Mayfair that we used to frequent at the weekend in Newcastle, while it was still open, but the heat was oppressive, and a factor for the whole weekend outside it was like a balmy summer afternoon inside it was like a bloody sauna, We got there as Work of art were starting (***) and they were ok the sound wasn't perfect but it really did seem like AOR written to formula, at this point Lady J decided to head back to the pub as it appeared there was a section of the male audience who would stand behind you and sniff your hair, mind you it didn't happen to me, it could have been worse it could have been groinage ...oo-err! Next were W.E.T who were magical, a great band with great songs!(*****) once they finished we headed back to the pub as we weren't interested in the next band  and on the way I tried the local botulism in bun establishment and it was quiet nice, I didn't die and it was reasonably priced I wasn't going to grumble (my guts would later but not straight away)!

Dare I really wasn't interested, so we returned to base camp had a quick pint and while the wife's back was turned Lady J bought me a cheeky little one ( I teared up straight away as it felt like I was cheating on G) but it was necked and it tasted divine but because G was on my mind I again started looking for Kes....to no avail. Onto Harem Scarem, a band I love but I was disappointed maybe it was the long day catching up with me the poor sound I don't know but I found it to be ......poor (**) the venue was like a motorway as well, although there was plenty of space to move around if you left a space people jumped in and didn't care (cue angry wife) so maybe that as always took some of the shine off! By now my knees were trying to revolt and I knew that there was going to be handfuls of drugs to get through the weekend (I wasn't wrong) on the way back we thought we would try and locate the local Starbucks for the wife's coffee addiction and we couldn't find it (that's because we were stood with our backs to it (D'oh!). Because we had bought weekend passes we were going to be treated to a free acoustic gig with Carl Dixon of Coney Hatch thankfully we were able to read our tickets as it was for the Saturday night not the Friday we had a quick pint then hit the hay  as this old man was whacked and all I wanted to do was sleeeeeeeeeeeeep (I know what a fucking light weight).

Saturday.

The morning came and I was in agony my back my  knees a vet probably would have said "he's not worth saving" so lots of painkillers and off for breakfast we went, it appears I was slightly annoying as my wife threatened me with cutting my heart out with a spoon(I don't have one how do you think we paid for this tiny jaunt) so I behaved myself and we had great delight saying good morning to our fellow guests who were of European descent because they didn't know how to respond to a simple "good morning"! a quick soak in the bath to ease my weary bones and this was just day two my aching bones revived we headed out to find Starbucks (D'oh it looks different in daylight ....keep moving and pray they don't notice) while sauntering around town I noticed the return of the bleach blonde male and cowboy boot brigade thankfully only a couple and they were so much older than me (get a fucking grip you nounces....the fashion police has spoken) we met up with the crew in the pub for a quick (ahem) pint (well it would be rude not to) and yomped up to the venue to catch Von groove who were pretty damn good (****) I had waited as long to see them as I had Harem Scarem but Von Groove ticked all of the boxes, next up were Heavens Edge who were one the best bands of the weekend for me (*****) not everybody's cup of tea but they rocked with all the moves and only one ballad which was nice!

Sweat was becoming an issue, so we headed back to get changed and we spied Matthew Kelly  having a stress break outside the local "Theatre" once changed we headed back to see Treat who were good but there were some issues, a Vocalist singing while the mike was nowhere near his mouth and the guitarist was having a major strop as he couldn't hear himself (***) we didn't stay as it became boring very quickly, joining up with the rest of the crew we headed for something to eat they took our order and I had some shock horror "Salad" I knew that they were going to use it against me so I released the information to my adoring fan base before the "pap's" broke the story (boy did I take some shit for it) after a loving serving of steak, pork ribs, onion rings and chips oh and a third of the wife's chicken meal I don't think I fared too badly! as we left the heavens opened and it chucked it down cue back to the hotel and another change of clothing! we headed back to the venue for the headlining act Hardline (****) who were good but there was a few issues a few more songs wouldn't have been too bad, as I didn't require a keyboard solo a drum solo or a bass and drum solo in a 70 minute set, they played great were tight and the songs were great but you could have fitted at least another three songs in (tut tut!) went back to the base camp (can you see a pattern developing) for a quick one then off to the wrong hotel for the acoustic set only to be told it was being held at the rock city (GGGGRRRRRRR) the only real fly in the ointment for me.

Carl Dixon (****) and various Canadians were entertaining but we didn't stay for the whole set, as the day had finally caught up with us and the jaunt off to the wrong hotel hadn't helped! we ended up back at base camp had a quick drinkie poo's and then headed back all 41 paces back to our hotel where up in the lift the wife had a mini meltdown and everything was all of my fault, problem solved we cracked on and it was like a twister it comes out of nowhere and fucks off and causes mayhem and destruction elsewhere! we sorted out the issue(s) and enjoyed the rest of the late night although I struggled with technology (nothing new there then) I was able to get online and feel connected to the world, although a few people must of thought I was going to blog as I went, there was never a chance of that happening, too many visits to base camp! we did receive a distress call saying that lady J had been wounded in the line of duty trying to open a bottle of beer ....with a spoon (you have to admire the lady's tenacity) all was soon sorted and I drifted off to the land of nod!

Sunday.

Before we had gone to bed the wife switched the air conditioning  on and I awoke with the little green mucus man sat on my chest, not too bad but it was a niggle I didn't want, I'm a big enough cripple with out succumbing to a "cold" we headed downstairs and at this point I decided I hate mobile phones!people constantly fiddle with them ( myself included just not to the degree of others) some obsessively and it's really annoying mmm maybe I should have had a mini meltdown of my own (it appears I'm not allowed) the wife awoke claiming she was sick of Lynryd Skynyrd as she had them playing a song all night in her brain (that smell) I asked if she knew what it was about she did ( I was happy) and I decided to jump in the shower, only to hear the wife ask did I know what happened on this day in 1977 (I admit I took a guess) it was this day that the band crashed and some members died...spooky is not the word. as we left the hotel we were greeted by a member of the hotel saying Morning in that particular sing along way they do in the UK maybe she thought we were foreign because we caught her out by saying good morning back to her! we both were looking for ward to the day, we decided on a little retail therapy, we were soon ensconced in the local Primarni the wife found a few bargains but got annoyed with a Polish lady who couldn't control her bra....I mean children and didn't understand what tut tut meant! I found a great t-shirt but nothing in my size, the male population or should I say the fat male population is not looked after by this particular store, there was another shop closed and to hand called Big and tall shame they didn't do short and dumpy!

I did however find a shop to suit my needs and not only did I buy some t-shirts (which I really didn't want I just wanted the pleasure of buying something) I did buy a hat which I love, which is black maybe I should have bought the olive green one? only time will tell, I do like a hat, but I think I have an odd shaped head and I don't think that I suit the bloody things! We dined with the king (not G) for lunch but my chest was killing me (oh how I have started to fall to bits as I have got old and fat!) the wife started to get agitated as it appears Nottingham is the centre of the Bermuda Triangle, her mobile phone usage was getting problematic (oh dear) we had a quiet afternoon and headed back to base camp, there weren't many bands I wanted to see on the Sunday, a few pints later and we headed up to see Vixen (they are called something else at the  moment but hells bells it would take to long to tell you and explain who they were) not my cup of tea but they were.....OK (***) I left halfway to escort lady J back to base camp and I was engaged in conversation by a gentleman from Blyth who had decamped for a cheaper pint, as I got back to the venue the girls must have finished as everybody was streaming out for a stress break, so I snaffled a sneaky botulism bun, which killed me as I scoffed it in five bites, back in place along side the wife for the legends who I will describe one by one, the band were a boat load of Swedish muso's and they were fab graham Bonnet was first up (*****) and he admitted that he was struggling, as he had just had dental surgery! but he was the best singer on the night, I can't believe it's 31 years since I last saw him. Eric Martin (****) with the surprise guest of Bob Catley of magnum was great but I have to admit I was hoping for some solo stuff not a Mr Big set which is exactly what we got, then we got Bobby Kimball (**) a guy who I enjoyed his time with Toto, but tonight sounded like he should have been in Vegas (baby) not bad just not great and shouldn't really have been on the stage, more Mr Bonnet would have been preferred by me and quite a few around me!

The grand finale over we headed back to where there was supposed to be a "surprise" set in basecamp which turned out to be nobody, so we endured an hour with Yahoo's before heading out the door the sneaky burger killing me and the wife rubbed my nose in it by having some chips! we headed back to the hotel away from the ignorant Twunts that had filled base camp and had a chilled relaxed end of the night as we had already done 99% of our packing and I could see the Sherpa's warming up for the impending marathon of bag shifting!

Monday.

The heavens opened and boy did it rain, we were up early to ensure the youngest was up out of bed, we headed down to a nearly deserted breakfast (maybe peeps had stayed in base camp later than we thought) today was the first time I wanted to pig out (but I didn't) obviously happy time was coming to an end I wanted food to make me (un)happy! I was a good boy for once, the wife was attacked by a pot of Kamikaze Jam which dived off the table after she had spewed it's contents all over her toast, we said our farewells and the staff thanked us as they preferred the "rock crowd" to the "Stag & Hen" crowd so that was nice to know. back in the room the wife threw a wobbly but that was down to the heat in the room more than a medical condition (I hope) I was there and she wasn't in any danger. Lady J rang and said she was on her way so we booked out and headed for the hills in some of the worse weather conditions I have seen of late, the one humorous thing that happened (well for us at least) was watching someone stood on their drive getting soaked as a bus took the corner (oops) I know sorry but childish things.

We travelled slowly back and saw a few nasty accidents (mainly arsehole reps in big flash cars)  and were thankful to be safe and sound, we arrived home a damn sight quicker than we travelled down to Nottingham (or so it seemed) and said goodbye to our compatriots for the weekend well one of the them, because one of them was a right ignorant....**** (an in joke so please don't ....oh go fuck yourself) and that ends this epic that the site is going to struggle to publish ,Our hotel was wonderful (the Ramada) Lady J and Ignatius suffered at the hands of the Holiday Inn (hopefully I will be allowed to post the letter of complaint in a blog) ah well back to doom and gloom tomorrow, and so  back to work, I wonder how many people thought I was in today (hahaha) I hope you enjoyed the blog (not nearly as much as I did doing it participating and writing it!) watch the skies as you never know when the next one will come until then .....Toodles!

Thursday 17 October 2013

Lazy

lazy who me? Actually I don't think I am! I believe I have a very good work ethic, it appears that its being sucked out of me, by battling with one too many demons one too many times, listen to me sounding like an episode of Supernatural!

Something must be not right though, here I am into day four of my holiday and the furthest out of the house I have travelled is three steps into the back yard to empty the bins and then I scurry back in doors, and then only to veg out, a couple of people have tried to engage me in conversation but it appears that I didn't want to! as it actually happens I wasn't at the laptop as they started the conversation so I assumed they had gone (you know who you are) I wasn't deliberately ignoring you I was just trying to adjust to actually not doing work, mind you I have been checking (although not replying) my work email, 172 as of this morning of which about 100 are just people covering their backs and feeding me more info than I can shake a stick at.

Now I don't want people to think "oh oh he's gone nuts again" I haven't, I'm probably the happiest I have been in a long while (yeah I know it ain't going to last but we can try). I have to leave the safe haven of the house at some point as I have an errand to run and its only me who can do it, I need to get myself in the right frame of mind as me and the wife are away this weekend and I certainly want to put my best foot forward as we have both been looking forward to the jaunt all year (in reality this is our annual holiday). we have had a few issues one being the old man of the house not being well, each day is both a blessing and a curse because we are always thinking is this the day?

The other being the eldest and the Kraken nothing serious just wanting attention, and I have no problem with that, I'm used to it but here we are with me on my holiday and me and the wife haven't done a thing, we had a cunning plan to go for a meal at a posh restaurant  in town (no not KFC) but the ball wasn't thrown actually the arm wasn't even pulled back to throw, its still there though we can do it later in the month I just wanted to do it this week, we do hardly anything as a couple, that's us being fiscally responsible (yes us with our reputation) ah well never mind only 175 more mortgage payments until I retire!

The one thing I have done this week has been to play the new Fish album, now we all know that he is my favourite musical artist, this album has it's dark moments but not in a negative way and I'm actually listening to it (for the 59th time) as I sit here typing away, I love it, it's such a shame that it will only sell to his selective fan base as its probably one of the best albums ever released, yes I know I'm a fan but for me to ignore all other music just to keep playing it over and over hasn't happened since the last album he did with "that" band! I am so glad that it's not a totally negative album as it probably would have pushed me to closer to being morose and we don't want that do we?

As for the weekend we have cases to pack, and I think that's it, I know where the paperwork and the tickets are, I know this is going to be hard on my knees so painkillers and potentially a fight with the wife for her stick could be in the offing, am I going to blog about this weekend ....me with my reputation ......no, well possibly, possibly not, I have no idea this is just me little old me doing what I don't do very well, I am trying to re-join the human race and hopefully the good company will revive my flagging spirits, I had been hoping that it could have been a gang weekend, it appears wishing and organising it with other people isn't quite the same (oops!)  so I will miss all my peeps, but I will try and be on my best behaviour and G I will keep an eye out for Kes!

While in the grips of panic looking for the hotel booking I came across my paperwork for my "ahem" condition, full of you must do this within x amount of days or we will ignore you, the more I look at it, it doesn't fill me with much hope it just seems to be full of roadblocks and anti tank ditches in the vain hopes of derailment, now this probably isn't the case and these professionals have a lot more on their hands than a gloomy middle aged man with issues, but after reaching out for help it doesn't feel like they want to, the letter will arrive tomorrow and it will only give me an eight minute window to sort out the next step in my Indiana Jones like search for treatment, I already feel as though I have exposed my self to unnecessary  barbs thinking that I would have been dealt with by now, I'm not expecting a magic wand, but simply by taking that first step I feel so much better already, but I am starting to feel like someone on death row just waiting for a lethal injection!

Am I being a tad melodramatic? probably but I want this particular monkey off my back, my family have put up with enough of my black moods and me being uncommunicative, maybe if I had been a bad person or who knew who to work the system I might have been seen by now, I know that the initial glow of asking for help will soon start to fade and I will return back to my morose (no thank you) self and if offered a hand, I will knock it away, why because that's the very nature of my condition, for fucks sake it took me thirty two years to ask for help!

Anyway that's enough of my gripes as I said at the beginning of this blog I need something to keep my spirits from flagging (this helps but it's a singular kind of thing) I need to interact more I need to have that human contact, I don't want to be a light house out on some rocky bluff I want to be a streetlight in the centre of town interacting with people before its way too late and people think that I really am a nutter, lets see what the weekend brings and I promise to be on my best behaviour (yeah right) so lets go with the flow and lets see if I can venture out into daylight (and pray I don't spontaneous combust) do my chores and have the fab weekend that I know it can be, Ah well off to a brave new world, so until Monday play nice and watch the skies as there will definitely be some rockets burning over no mans land (broadsword calling Danny boy broadsword calling Danny boy....you should get those references!) laters....Toodles!

Monday 14 October 2013

Crawling from the wreckage

So this is what it's like to be a gentleman of leisure..........

Whenever I have gone through tough times (well in my head they were tough, to somebody else they probably weren't) well meaning (that should read as self righteous bastards) people have informed me that the universe (I'm not going to drag any of the local deities into this, as I have grown accustomed to not receiving death threats) does not throw more at us than we can handle (I do believe the cheese has slid of your cracker!) well I can honestly say I have been having a bit of a rough time of late (32 years and counting but don't worry I'm a happy camper today ....woo hoo) and sure enough that phrase has popped up in more ways than one would normally care for "cheer up" "it might never happen" and not only on my more morose occasions!

After much careful consideration (me with my reputation) I have decided fuck it! as an aphorism (big word of the day - it means a general truth or an astute observation, just in case you were interested) it only makes sense in hindsight (usually said by some tosser standing way back from the wreckage). after I have managed to crawl from said wreckage of whatever calamity the universe has thrown at me, I notice no one ever says it after some poor putz has been hit by a bloody bus (go figure) or if you are being eaten alive (as I am at certain times of monumental stress in my life) by some obscene flesh eating disease (YUK) mind you I suppose (if its happening to somebody other than me) I do suppose the latter could be quite a hoot in the right circumstance of course!

From time to time we all hear " don't worry it will pass soon enough" (will it really!) again I'm aware of these words and the many permutations that are supposed to help, but for some reason they have a tendency to send me over the edge (hahahaha again me with my reputation) and leave me feeling that heartbreak grief and rage are going to come shooting out of me like Kidney Stones on steroids! For someone in a crisis (something I know just a little bit about) I think a more accurate and helpful assessment of life at that moment would be " Love, Sex, Friendship, Art, Play, Beauty and the simple pleasure of a cup of tea (with a smattering of Custard creams) are all well and good but if the universe is going to fuck with you, it will why because it can because it can and it doesn't give a stuff about you and Custard  Creams (the bounder!).

Consider the next time you're asked to do some consoling (I must have been sniffing  the Ajax again) actually I have just thought if you are relying on me you must be properly fucked up! I recommend that you might try "according to the rules of life losing that gangrenous leg will be humorous at some point in the not too near future" I mean lets be honest it could be worse your house could be burning down or you could be learning on how to be intimate with your fellow cell mate, you really do just have to look at the bigger picture, there is always some one worse off than yourself!

So the first of the week I have a fancy there might just be one or two more in the coming days although I feel wiped out (oooh I must be on holiday) some mental exercise might just be the tonic that I am craving, a few cunning plans hopefully might come to fruition (don't panic we are not going to turn into a marauding horde we might just do something as a couple.....not holding my breath though!) a rest is what I require although I need a hobby of some kind just so I don't vegetate and that's me done, I'm off to listen to the new Fish album for what is the 32nd listen since I got it and it just gets better and better the album quite easily of the last five years its a shame its not going to sell millions I suppose an acquired taste but quite wonderful in it's own wee way!

So play nice and watch the skies I tend not to do lots in one week as it tends to blur the lines for numbers, but you never know, the name game is in play lets see how any get this one my fave single by this Guitarist lets see how many of you get it ....go on you know you want too so until the next time ......Toodles!   

Thursday 3 October 2013

Other side of me

I knew it couldn't last, work beckoned and held onto me like a python holds onto its victim, pulling me down, not because of the work just my mood was going down like a setting sun, I was /am determined not to be beaten, onwards was the order of the day, could I actually pull my finger out and do the job?

Monday slid away and the wife picked me up from my late shift, I would have gladly walked home along dark country lanes my mood was shaping up to be a bitch, hopefully externally I was a happy go lucky cheerful chappy (well for me) fed and watered I headed up the wooden hill and was grateful to pull the blanket over my head, Tuesday dawned to the same mood, I am aware that there is so much going on at work that everybody seems to be under pressure so to be moody and bitter would be just be rubbing other peoples noses in it and  that's not really my style!

The day sped away from me and I was soon heading home on a crowded plague carrier and I ended up on a broken seat with my knees in a crippling position, someone somewhere was having a laugh at my expense,once home we sorted out for a little jaunt I had forgotten about, it would just be what I needed to raise my spirits. the wife had many duties to attend to so was probably busier than she needed to be, a sickly compatriot shrunk the party to two, we had some nice grub and a quick pint elsewhere, we headed up the road to the Bodega only for it to be half full of men dressed like Ray Mears (and a couple of women too!)  all ruck sacks and waterproofs....WTF the man himself is only "playing" The Opera House they soon disappeared like grass snakes in a meadow on a summers day ( I tried to get the Survival mood in there.....I know I failed) we finished our one drink and headed to the venue, disaster ....ticket faux paus...thankfully sickly person to the rescue, the wife wasn't in the best of moods I thought she was going to pull the ticket lady through the window....ooops!

Crisis averted we climbed the mountain of stairs into one of the shittiest venues in Newcastle, we got in and into a pleasant position as the support act burst onto the stage and the first song was OK however it soon got grating I could have done the Kiss book of poses in the house if I had wanted to and I spent the first three songs finding out if I hadn't entered a lady boys show I did check for an Adams apple! Clearly a pretty thing and she could play the guitar but Lita Ford did it so much better with actual songs years ago, me thinks some one has a rich boyfriend with some cash to burn, the seven song set was about six songs too long! reckless love were due soon and although I didn't want to stay down the front I couldn't leave the wife down the front in case she had a funny turn (she did but more of that later) the gig wasn't a sell out but was full and while the last time we saw them it was chokka block with the female variety this time there were more blokes than you would find at a Marillion gig! WTF!

The lights dimmed and then the band decided to wait a good fifteen minutes before they hit the stage and then two whirling dervish's (male and female) both pissed stormed through the not so tightly packed crowd and started throwing drink and generally being annoying which (you can see where this is going can't you) was a bad turn for them unfortunately the crowd surged and I couldn't get between them and the wife to which after much tooing and froing the wife got mad (Hulk smash) and I just wasn't quick enough to stop the wife punching said man boy in the head, thankfully the surge took some of the sting out of the punch, which got him mad and was going to turn ugly until he realised the short fat bald guy was with the angry woman and I managed to get between them but it's at this moment I realised how disadvantaged I am my knees were crippling me and my hands were stuck in my pockets because of the crowd with only my elbows to work with I got my message in and thankfully before it got too silly the nearest bouncer was dispatched  and dragged man boy away this still left thunder thighs and she wasn't going without a fight (the venues policy is to remove one person at a time for the safety of their staff) the gig was still going on but by now my mood was into pissed off mode the band were great and the singer is really short sighted or into chubbies as he kept looking me straight in the eyes and smiling (go figure).

Thunder thighs annoyed  for the next half hour thankfully others more then the wife who repeatedly told said young lady to fuck off, I think if she could have got a dig in she would (oops) by this time I was taking serious hits in the back and I was wondering if they had a posse, thankfully it was just the crowd surging and the guy behind me was most apologetic mind you he had seen me and my fancy elbow work and looked shit scared of the wife! finally she annoyed everybody else and she went the way of the man boy! the gig continued and it got better once toot and ploot had been ejected, however after only an hour and twenty minutes they were gone ......!!!!!!! and that was with the encore. I don't mind people having a good time, but I do object to you being pissed abusive and throwing drink around and generally spoiling everybody else's fun (rant over) we headed back to the car and headed back to Gimpsville my knees in serious pain tomorrow was going to be awkward.

The morning came soon enough filled with drizzle and it cheered me up, the plague carrier was on time and the chauffer was even pleasant WTF had I fallen down the rabbit hole or what, I had a training course and as always with me being a luddite I had technology issues which put me on the back foot, I nearly didn't make it and was only saved by my trusty Asperger's soldier as he caught me about to hurl my laptop across the room, then with 12 new starters I was away and the next four hours was a like a rock concert for me and it was probably my best ever course, it was quite interesting to see my boss come to see who kept shouting "HELL YEAH" I like people to participate and if they don't well lets just say they soon get the message, these twelve new souls didn't have a clue what hit them and they left feeling a damn sight better than when they came in, at that moment I loved my job. it didn't take long after the course was over for me to crash and my mood was as black as it had been back in May when I decided to ask for professional help (and still waiting ya cocks!) the day ground on but I left on time.

I knew I had missed the bus  I had intended to get but I had gobbled copious amounts of drugs just to get me there, when over the hill came the Plague carrier surging into view, late but here all the same and it was a double decker so I got to sit and enjoy the journey at a height (see previous blogs/books) and it was raining good clean heavy rain, but my mood was so low, I got home and the wife was there (WTF) to greet me and all I wanted was her to hold me ...which she did and that switched my mood back to the positive (I will not let this beat me) even more so when the new Fish album had turned up .......SWEET!

So the wife made me some food we watched some goggle box and then I decided to pore over said piece of work (awesome 10 out of ten) loving it straight away and I know for a fact that it will only get better with frequent plays! while listening I decided to blog ( I know me with my reputation) I had no intention of what with my mood being so sour, but as I keep repeating, this will not beat me! I am trying so hard to stay positive, what is mind boggling that here we are in October and I have been waiting since May for some form of help, which the false hope of that first step has faded, maybe a killing spree might have got me a cup of tea and some sympathy, the NHS is a marvellous institution but my rope has unravelled and I'm set adrift on an ocean that is not all that inviting! so there you go a cheeky blog hopefully slightly humorous and if the numbers are anything to go by we are back on an upward curve, now to settle back and really try and beat the crap of this dark mood until then I will see you on the other side until then .....Toodles!

Tuesday 1 October 2013

In the lap of the gods revisited!

So the sun split the sky , well  ok it seemed like it did, it was a glorious morning, we had set an impossible task of getting up and doing a million and one things before we went out, I made breakfast as was the cunning plan! a bacon sandwich for the wife and a full English for my good self, I sorted dishes and we sort of got stuck in second gear,  and we plodded on but we both knew that we weren't going to do everything on our list, so we adjusted our sights and cracked on. I had my bath (a lovely soak) and it felt so good, we had our clothes sorted,but we were going to be staying at Wot HQ, so I had to take my work clothes with us (a belt would have been nice cough splutter), so that I could go straight to work the next day (boo hoo) the youngest was going to be on guard duty to look after the old man of the house, we expected a Kraken adventure but it didn't happen, it didn't mean that we didn't hold our breath!

We checked our bag made sure we had everything and were heading out the door when I realised we had made a rooky mistake .....no tickets D'oh! I headed back in and the wife laughed as she shouted back in the house "it doesn't matter you're not getting I'm on the door" oh how I chuckled .....NOT, I still wasn't 100% that the Big Ginger Git knew what he was doing, I mean putting the wife and Lady J on the door this had car crash all over it, I checked the wife and disarmed her, made sure she put the flamethrower, cattle prod and various other  blunt instruments back in the house, her sharp tongue and big mouth was going to have to suffice!

We enjoyed a jolly jaunt down and made good time to our hotel for the weekend, general chit chat you know the kind of thing that people used to do before mobile phones and I Pods! destination reached and shown to our room we made plans to head straight to the venue, lunch could wait as this was a banger ready to be lit, the final cog in the party platter turned up and we jumped into a taxi and headed back to the Cluny.

Upon arrival we found that the pub sold .....alcohol! well what do you know? surely that meant we had to partake as it would of been rude not to.....then the shock to the system, over £7 for two drinks ......WTF! then I remembered we are used to drinking in Spoons and the real world beckoned and you know what it wasn't go to stop us, so we dived in head first, drinks sorted we headed into the room for our instructions to which the Big Ginger Git said simply let's get blooted! oh dear follow your last command that's what I was always told and that's exactly what I was going to do! now I have no intention of giving a blow by blow account of the bands other than to say I watched the first band The fractured valves and I enjoyed them, I hadn't seen them before and I do believe I would watch them  again at some point .....I'm not booking a weeks holiday to do their world tour of Chopwell, but I enjoyed them, my only complaint was the set length I reckon they would do two cracking 45 minute sets but an hour was just a tad to long for me, there were plenty of people who thought that they were great, and I enjoyed them but some times less is more!

Mickey Luv was on second as well as being the compare for the event by now after the forth pint it was time for some food so we left to go in search of sustenance, as me and the wife are light weights we thought it was best to go with our guts so to speak, as we re-entered the pub the rest of our merry little gang turned now it was a day on the edge just how we like it, the buckets had turned up as well so it was about to be a tad mental or as Martin Lawrence would say "this shit just got real"!   as always there was some bawdy banter and some salacious gossip but the best thing was the sight of a happy Mr C at the size of his German sausage (down girls ) I'm sure if we had looked closely enough it might even had had VW stamped on it!  belly's full we headed back into the venue as the wife had more people to bar from the gig (she really did mean it for one person and the nervous look on his face meant he knew she meant it hahaha) and the day sort of flowed from there on in, Mickey having finished we prepared for the main event.

Positions taken up the Buckets hit the stage like my two year old grandson (oops wrong blog) fully of energy and you never really know where they were going to head, Kev took the wind out of my sails as I was preparing to shout out for Tales of Topographic Oceans, bastard, and the rest of the gig was what it was, awesome you could never describe a Buckets gig you have to experience it and when you consider I have seen them nearly 100 times since 1988 and I have never ever left a gig without a shit kicking smile on my face says it all, having said that a couple of different tunes wouldn't go amiss and I wish I could go see the Slade set at the Trimmers but what's the point of travelling all that way not to be able to get in (bastards) mind you I would love to see Don Powell's face when you ask him to sing Scooby doo! as always the gig was over way to soon how does nearly two hours seem like 5 minutes that's what I say! you should be able to get them on prescription.

More drink was then called for and the wife was holding up quite well (which was nice) the wife got our tickets for the Buckets 30th anniversary show, I have never invaded the hallowed stage that they are playing on that night, but I might do it just this once in my Peter mask to boot! we are even taking the youngest for her Buckets initiation ......there may be trouble ahead hahahahaha! at that point the worlds smartest road crew sprung into action as the two dapper Gentlemen Mr C and G sprang into action to assist break the stage down (in a professional manner). Buckets dispersed (like the Mighty Avengers) we settled down to enjoy the rest of the night The Dirty South who again I enjoyed but hadn't seen and they couldn't top the Buckets but enough people stayed and again had a cracking time, at some point Kev and Charlotte turned up and pets were the topic of conversation and we were introduced to Bali a lovely little pup who is going to be a complete heartbreaker as she grows into and even more adorable addition to a little rock n roll family!

We didn't stay long to disturb her but she was a delight and it melted even this hard heartened person (cough splutter) it just makes the time we have with the old man of the house even more poignant as he quickly approaches year number  17 (damn I feel old but not as old as him) as I was told off for my maths been wrong ok so I said 18 ( I can't add sober so what do you expect when I have had a drink) lets not make it a capitol crime! we ended the night happy and not even drunk unlike Father Christmas (you know who you are) who was more than just a little jolly, see you can be a happy go lucky chappy and not the grumpy misery you have a tendency to portray! Taxi called we headed back and enjoyed some toast and some late night chat and headed up the wooden hill for some golden slumbers!

Then with the morning the weekend was gone but some great memories and a shed  load of money raised for charity mind you I don't think that the Krays could have raised anymore money and I think (fingers crossed) I managed not to have my photo taken (result) we said our farewells and I headed back to work, thankfully a duty dog shift so I was later than normal in, and now we carefully nurture our cunning plans for the coming weeks our finances were well and truly holed under the water line and I'm bailing furiously but you know what it was well worth, you have to live a little and it was worth to see the wife's happy little face having such a great time, and that's us complete, back to the grind and not as witty as the blog I had intended, 24 hours extra waiting has blunted the writing but I kept all the secrets I was entrusted with ( see E you had no faith in me......ooops!), the name game is in play and after 60 hits for the last one only 4 people attempted it and got it wrong..tsk tsk! so here  we go with the last song on the particular record and if you know the song play it and when the word Pretending is sung that's what music is all about the phrasing on that one word just melts me and its why I'm a fan nearly 40 years later!

So I hope you have enjoyed the two blogs and I hope you are picking up on the happy vibe, that I am trying to keep going, its not forced and yes there are still tons of issues but you know what life's too short live long and eat cheese, thanks for the hits the comments and some down right cheek watch the skies you never know when the next one is due, so until then Toodles!