We Rock (Anti-social)

So I blogged and you guys (and gals) read it, you knew I was on holiday and you knew I wasn't really bothered, numbers have been on an upward trend for a while so I expected them to level off at some point, they haven't so lets soldier on.

Thursday.

We were off to Firefest in Nottingham we had seen it advertised lots of times just never got around to going to the bloody thing, well for some reason this time we took a chunk out of a bullet and went with the flow in reality this was our annual holiday, we have been kicked a bit financially this year (every fucking year but this year has been the worst) so I booked some holiday and worked my weekend and then entered a state of sloth, in the last blog I said I hadn't left the house, well after the blog I had to, so I could go and get our savings so we could have some drinkie poo's while away! on the way back me and the wife thought it might be a good idea to have sweeties and snacks for the trip so we called into our local Iceland to buy sweeties and stuff, when I was nearly knocked into the ice cream isle with an old dear who had  twelve bottles of lucozade and I think she thought I was going to buy the last bottle of her fave brandy (damn I can't wait to be a pensioner) as I dusted my self off the wife got her eye on a bottle of Woo Woo (more like Wee Wee) which we purchased so we could have a tipple or two at our own timescale as opposed to being told by the government when and where we can drink (damn I feel the rebel in me already) . That was the eve of battle, done and dusted we sat and veg'd and didn't really have the early night we had planned, we finally climbed the wooden hill and went to bed.

Friday.

No sooner had I shut my eyes and I was awake again alarms ringing and me dashing downstairs, so that everyone could have the cooked breakfast of their choice, the youngest being the most awkward as she doesn't like anything but she had decided to try something new so I had to experiment (19 and she has decided she likes scrambled eggs...WTF), Bacon sandwich for the wife and me....well I'm a fat bastard so I wanted the works and I didn't enjoy it, I ate it, but I didn't enjoy it, then there was a mad dash for me to carry the bags downstairs (we really needed a team of Sherpa's I mean we were going for three days so that meant three bags......again WTF) sandwiches to make, as I do like to be prepared for a jolly jaunt, and then to get the old man of the house to the kraken's who as normal was rumbling like a volcano, but we avoided an eruption and we were sat by the front door like children being evacuated because of the blitz, I was told my wellies didn't go with my shorts so I actually had to get changed! 

Our carriage and companion's arrived, Lady J was driving and her ignorant man servant Ignatius was with her (please don't take offence I always try and change the names to protect the not so innocent and Ignatius is the cleanest word I can think of after some of the names he was called trust me!) we were soon (ok it took 14 men trained in the art of Tetris 16 hours to pack the car) on our way in the fog listening to the sat nav for some strange reason enjoying the fog as we reached the A1, I fed everybody sour sweets and we enjoyed some wonderful insults as we went, as per it wouldn't really be a jolly jaunt with out the wife worried that she hadn't done something (had she locked the front door this time?) but the youngest came home for us on her way to stay at the kraken's, crisis averted we enjoyed the fog (a bit more .....not) on the way down I may even have had a little nana nap on the way to our first pit stop. A quick stretch of the legs and sandwich's consumed we jumped back in to continue on our merry way only after Ignatius had informed us that the toilets were worse than a set of festival chemical loos that were full and had been rolled down a long hill! oh dear I'm so glad I decided to wait, ho hum moving swiftly along we grabbed a place in amongst the fast moving traffic when the youngest decided to ring me as the wife's phone was on silent, it's at this point that I have to explain that my ringtone is an actual police siren and I fear I have to apologise that Lady J decided it was for real and was attempting to pull over at 80 mph erm....sorry it's only me ....oh how we laughed after the thirty two minutes of abuse, on a safer note the front door had been indeed locked!

It was at this point I deflected the abuse from me by informing Lady J that she was actually the responsible adult for the weekend as well as the designated driver, I thought we were going to have to call animal control to calm her down, cue more sour worms and she was soon soothed by the mixture of sour sherbet and jelly (mmmmmm). We finally arrived in Nottingham my first visit in over 22 years and it still looks like it was suffering the aftermath of the blitz, and we felt decidedly out of place as it seemed more like downtown Mogadishu, we were dropped of at our hotel (for safety sake we were kept separated as they only had four fire crews and a full riot squad for the whole of Nottingham) and after some nifty driving Lady J and her man servant waved us farewell as they then proceeded to take a grand tour of Nottingham to travel 700 yards to their hotel (more of which later) they could see it but they couldn't drive to it, by the time they arrived the red carpet had been sent back to the local Christian aid shop and moth rescue centre! By this time I had been gazing out of my hotel window and soon realised there were far too many grown men wearing shorts in October, did they think that they were from the toon?

Again while gazing out the window I saw the president of Mogadishu on three separate mobile phones marching back wards and forwards barking out orders (god knows if they were indeed connected) he could have been just checking on his bitches it was at this moment I realised I was missing G and spent the next hour looking at the sky for Kes, but alas Kes was nowhere to be seen. We soon decamped to a local pub (Tap&Tumbler) and this was to be the base of operations for the weekend and probably the best kept pint I have had all year it was quite delightful!

Now please don't think that this actually going to be an actual review of Firefest, its not, we didn't want to see all of the bands,so we didn't, but me and the wife saw a few more than Lady J and Ignatius, we all had a cunning plan and we were all quite happy with the arrangement, we wandered up to the venue and I found it was a smaller version of  the Mayfair that we used to frequent at the weekend in Newcastle, while it was still open, but the heat was oppressive, and a factor for the whole weekend outside it was like a balmy summer afternoon inside it was like a bloody sauna, We got there as Work of art were starting (***) and they were ok the sound wasn't perfect but it really did seem like AOR written to formula, at this point Lady J decided to head back to the pub as it appeared there was a section of the male audience who would stand behind you and sniff your hair, mind you it didn't happen to me, it could have been worse it could have been groinage ...oo-err! Next were W.E.T who were magical, a great band with great songs!(*****) once they finished we headed back to the pub as we weren't interested in the next band  and on the way I tried the local botulism in bun establishment and it was quiet nice, I didn't die and it was reasonably priced I wasn't going to grumble (my guts would later but not straight away)!

Dare I really wasn't interested, so we returned to base camp had a quick pint and while the wife's back was turned Lady J bought me a cheeky little one ( I teared up straight away as it felt like I was cheating on G) but it was necked and it tasted divine but because G was on my mind I again started looking for Kes....to no avail. Onto Harem Scarem, a band I love but I was disappointed maybe it was the long day catching up with me the poor sound I don't know but I found it to be ......poor (**) the venue was like a motorway as well, although there was plenty of space to move around if you left a space people jumped in and didn't care (cue angry wife) so maybe that as always took some of the shine off! By now my knees were trying to revolt and I knew that there was going to be handfuls of drugs to get through the weekend (I wasn't wrong) on the way back we thought we would try and locate the local Starbucks for the wife's coffee addiction and we couldn't find it (that's because we were stood with our backs to it (D'oh!). Because we had bought weekend passes we were going to be treated to a free acoustic gig with Carl Dixon of Coney Hatch thankfully we were able to read our tickets as it was for the Saturday night not the Friday we had a quick pint then hit the hay  as this old man was whacked and all I wanted to do was sleeeeeeeeeeeeep (I know what a fucking light weight).

Saturday.

The morning came and I was in agony my back my  knees a vet probably would have said "he's not worth saving" so lots of painkillers and off for breakfast we went, it appears I was slightly annoying as my wife threatened me with cutting my heart out with a spoon(I don't have one how do you think we paid for this tiny jaunt) so I behaved myself and we had great delight saying good morning to our fellow guests who were of European descent because they didn't know how to respond to a simple "good morning"! a quick soak in the bath to ease my weary bones and this was just day two my aching bones revived we headed out to find Starbucks (D'oh it looks different in daylight ....keep moving and pray they don't notice) while sauntering around town I noticed the return of the bleach blonde male and cowboy boot brigade thankfully only a couple and they were so much older than me (get a fucking grip you nounces....the fashion police has spoken) we met up with the crew in the pub for a quick (ahem) pint (well it would be rude not to) and yomped up to the venue to catch Von groove who were pretty damn good (****) I had waited as long to see them as I had Harem Scarem but Von Groove ticked all of the boxes, next up were Heavens Edge who were one the best bands of the weekend for me (*****) not everybody's cup of tea but they rocked with all the moves and only one ballad which was nice!

Sweat was becoming an issue, so we headed back to get changed and we spied Matthew Kelly  having a stress break outside the local "Theatre" once changed we headed back to see Treat who were good but there were some issues, a Vocalist singing while the mike was nowhere near his mouth and the guitarist was having a major strop as he couldn't hear himself (***) we didn't stay as it became boring very quickly, joining up with the rest of the crew we headed for something to eat they took our order and I had some shock horror "Salad" I knew that they were going to use it against me so I released the information to my adoring fan base before the "pap's" broke the story (boy did I take some shit for it) after a loving serving of steak, pork ribs, onion rings and chips oh and a third of the wife's chicken meal I don't think I fared too badly! as we left the heavens opened and it chucked it down cue back to the hotel and another change of clothing! we headed back to the venue for the headlining act Hardline (****) who were good but there was a few issues a few more songs wouldn't have been too bad, as I didn't require a keyboard solo a drum solo or a bass and drum solo in a 70 minute set, they played great were tight and the songs were great but you could have fitted at least another three songs in (tut tut!) went back to the base camp (can you see a pattern developing) for a quick one then off to the wrong hotel for the acoustic set only to be told it was being held at the rock city (GGGGRRRRRRR) the only real fly in the ointment for me.

Carl Dixon (****) and various Canadians were entertaining but we didn't stay for the whole set, as the day had finally caught up with us and the jaunt off to the wrong hotel hadn't helped! we ended up back at base camp had a quick drinkie poo's and then headed back all 41 paces back to our hotel where up in the lift the wife had a mini meltdown and everything was all of my fault, problem solved we cracked on and it was like a twister it comes out of nowhere and fucks off and causes mayhem and destruction elsewhere! we sorted out the issue(s) and enjoyed the rest of the late night although I struggled with technology (nothing new there then) I was able to get online and feel connected to the world, although a few people must of thought I was going to blog as I went, there was never a chance of that happening, too many visits to base camp! we did receive a distress call saying that lady J had been wounded in the line of duty trying to open a bottle of beer ....with a spoon (you have to admire the lady's tenacity) all was soon sorted and I drifted off to the land of nod!

Sunday.

Before we had gone to bed the wife switched the air conditioning  on and I awoke with the little green mucus man sat on my chest, not too bad but it was a niggle I didn't want, I'm a big enough cripple with out succumbing to a "cold" we headed downstairs and at this point I decided I hate mobile phones!people constantly fiddle with them ( myself included just not to the degree of others) some obsessively and it's really annoying mmm maybe I should have had a mini meltdown of my own (it appears I'm not allowed) the wife awoke claiming she was sick of Lynryd Skynyrd as she had them playing a song all night in her brain (that smell) I asked if she knew what it was about she did ( I was happy) and I decided to jump in the shower, only to hear the wife ask did I know what happened on this day in 1977 (I admit I took a guess) it was this day that the band crashed and some members died...spooky is not the word. as we left the hotel we were greeted by a member of the hotel saying Morning in that particular sing along way they do in the UK maybe she thought we were foreign because we caught her out by saying good morning back to her! we both were looking for ward to the day, we decided on a little retail therapy, we were soon ensconced in the local Primarni the wife found a few bargains but got annoyed with a Polish lady who couldn't control her bra....I mean children and didn't understand what tut tut meant! I found a great t-shirt but nothing in my size, the male population or should I say the fat male population is not looked after by this particular store, there was another shop closed and to hand called Big and tall shame they didn't do short and dumpy!

I did however find a shop to suit my needs and not only did I buy some t-shirts (which I really didn't want I just wanted the pleasure of buying something) I did buy a hat which I love, which is black maybe I should have bought the olive green one? only time will tell, I do like a hat, but I think I have an odd shaped head and I don't think that I suit the bloody things! We dined with the king (not G) for lunch but my chest was killing me (oh how I have started to fall to bits as I have got old and fat!) the wife started to get agitated as it appears Nottingham is the centre of the Bermuda Triangle, her mobile phone usage was getting problematic (oh dear) we had a quiet afternoon and headed back to base camp, there weren't many bands I wanted to see on the Sunday, a few pints later and we headed up to see Vixen (they are called something else at the  moment but hells bells it would take to long to tell you and explain who they were) not my cup of tea but they were.....OK (***) I left halfway to escort lady J back to base camp and I was engaged in conversation by a gentleman from Blyth who had decamped for a cheaper pint, as I got back to the venue the girls must have finished as everybody was streaming out for a stress break, so I snaffled a sneaky botulism bun, which killed me as I scoffed it in five bites, back in place along side the wife for the legends who I will describe one by one, the band were a boat load of Swedish muso's and they were fab graham Bonnet was first up (*****) and he admitted that he was struggling, as he had just had dental surgery! but he was the best singer on the night, I can't believe it's 31 years since I last saw him. Eric Martin (****) with the surprise guest of Bob Catley of magnum was great but I have to admit I was hoping for some solo stuff not a Mr Big set which is exactly what we got, then we got Bobby Kimball (**) a guy who I enjoyed his time with Toto, but tonight sounded like he should have been in Vegas (baby) not bad just not great and shouldn't really have been on the stage, more Mr Bonnet would have been preferred by me and quite a few around me!

The grand finale over we headed back to where there was supposed to be a "surprise" set in basecamp which turned out to be nobody, so we endured an hour with Yahoo's before heading out the door the sneaky burger killing me and the wife rubbed my nose in it by having some chips! we headed back to the hotel away from the ignorant Twunts that had filled base camp and had a chilled relaxed end of the night as we had already done 99% of our packing and I could see the Sherpa's warming up for the impending marathon of bag shifting!

Monday.

The heavens opened and boy did it rain, we were up early to ensure the youngest was up out of bed, we headed down to a nearly deserted breakfast (maybe peeps had stayed in base camp later than we thought) today was the first time I wanted to pig out (but I didn't) obviously happy time was coming to an end I wanted food to make me (un)happy! I was a good boy for once, the wife was attacked by a pot of Kamikaze Jam which dived off the table after she had spewed it's contents all over her toast, we said our farewells and the staff thanked us as they preferred the "rock crowd" to the "Stag & Hen" crowd so that was nice to know. back in the room the wife threw a wobbly but that was down to the heat in the room more than a medical condition (I hope) I was there and she wasn't in any danger. Lady J rang and said she was on her way so we booked out and headed for the hills in some of the worse weather conditions I have seen of late, the one humorous thing that happened (well for us at least) was watching someone stood on their drive getting soaked as a bus took the corner (oops) I know sorry but childish things.

We travelled slowly back and saw a few nasty accidents (mainly arsehole reps in big flash cars)  and were thankful to be safe and sound, we arrived home a damn sight quicker than we travelled down to Nottingham (or so it seemed) and said goodbye to our compatriots for the weekend well one of the them, because one of them was a right ignorant....**** (an in joke so please don't ....oh go fuck yourself) and that ends this epic that the site is going to struggle to publish ,Our hotel was wonderful (the Ramada) Lady J and Ignatius suffered at the hands of the Holiday Inn (hopefully I will be allowed to post the letter of complaint in a blog) ah well back to doom and gloom tomorrow, and so  back to work, I wonder how many people thought I was in today (hahaha) I hope you enjoyed the blog (not nearly as much as I did doing it participating and writing it!) watch the skies as you never know when the next one will come until then .....Toodles!