Where were you.

Yes the name game is as always in play!

These things don’t write themselves anymore, it would appear I have to do a lot of polishing of a turd to get here.

I’m hoping to keep this one as short and sweet as possible, keep some lightness in it as I’m sure that the majority of you are as sick as I am with regards the piles of misery, I seem to be good at producing, I have started this particular blog a number of times over the last few weeks to no avail, I haven’t been happy with the content or the feel of the various attempts so far, but any way here goes the final blog of the year, lets try and go with the flow.

Time has moved on and the world kept turning, the wife got the dreaded Co Vid and she was/is in a bad way, although she has returned to nearly normal cheery self, it was 10 days of dread, I was concerned as it appears a number of people who I have written about have succumbed to the awful disease, a long conversation with a person from my past confirmed more than a dozen old friends have passed because of it, to say I was in shock was an understatement, to say that my head was spinning would be quite the understatement.

Work has been simply work, although the pace of my days were slug like, I am not enjoying the one thing that seemed to bring me cheer, The Christmas holidays were upon us and I have sat and ate shite and drank stuff that will do me enormous amounts of harm with scant regard for my health, as I sit typing this I am coasting along on a high dose of sugar, well what does that matter, not a lot in the grand scheme of things!

Death has been in abundance as an older gentleman who guided me back in the day (when I dated his daughter) was a bigger shock than I thought it would be, he guided me in politics (when they meant something) and in the ways of doing what was right, I may not have seen him in nearly 40 years but there wasn’t many days when I went over what he taught me. Its strange what sticks with you over the years I hope at some point I have inspired someone in the same way I doubt it but it was always something to aspire to!

I had hoped to steer myself on a straighter course these last few weeks but it would appear I simply don’t care enough (at this particular moment in time) to want to fit in with anyone or anything, me with my reputation, go figure! You only live once, a common enough trope, but is it actually true, I have at some point been a baby then a toddler, a child who tripped into adolescence, a young man (allegedly) a middle-aged man heading God knows where at this particular moment in time, just how close to my finishing line am i? digging even deeper I was at some point a son (once to my knowledge) a husband (twice so far) a soldier, a lyricist, a forestry worker, a friend (those days seems so far away) a patient (the older I get the more times it would appear that I get to practice this one) a drunk (only semi-professional) a wise guy (failed) a teetotaler (again a failure at this moment in time) some might say at some point I have even been successful (not that I can remember) so which one was my one true life, did I blink and miss it, the endless hours of heartache are what I remember, I have a feeling if all these versions of me were to meet they wouldn’t recognise anything of themselves in any form!

At best they would view each version of each as strangers, or worse still as idiots who wasted the best part of the last 40 plus years! So maybe just maybe the real question should be do we real only live once or do we die a number of times and are reborn as a bigger idiot than before, food for thought or am I as usual overthinking life and the universe!

My health as been crap, not that I am helping myself (go figure) although I finally got to see a specialist, I turned up slightly early (ok 90 minutes early and had to sit outside) and was seen for a total of 4 minutes and told yes we will have to investigate further (WT actual F) sometimes I don’t know why I bother, maybe I should stop swimming against the tide and simply drown that seems to be the easiest answer, maybe I will get some further investigations in another 3 years?

And then the usual Christmas farce, to be honest I have tried really hard this year, I don’t think I was 100% successful but at least I tried, the last blog did even better numbers and the older blogs did just as well over the last four weeks as well, I have no idea why, I’m not expecting this one to do huge numbers as  I have two musical ones to follow (or I may simply join them as a common thread) to follow within the next few weeks (14 days on countdown) that’s if I can muster the energy to do something with my life, I’m still on holiday and I am still sat in a pool of self-loathing waiting for the big fella to blast me with a bolt of lightning, fingers crossed!

So I hope that you all had a great time I hope you all got something that you liked I hope you all have good health and the love of someone close to you, please don’t worry about this old ship wreck I am believe it or not trying to pull myself forward to be a better person (Allegedly) so place nice and look to the skies for there shall be more incoming, soon! Until the next time stay safe………..Toodles!

Truth & Soul.

The last month has gone and life (or my view of it) isn’t as bleak as the last blog would indicate, life is still crap, but to be honest I don’t care one way or the other, the last blog still did exceptional numbers even though I didn’t promote it, it seems you the discerning reader seems to like my misery. I don’t think that my misery lives on, I feel that I am at the simply don’t care stage, and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass who is interested one way or another.

Someone still cares as yet again there is a steady stream of numbers for older blogs, probably someone looking for the source of my misery. The content of the last blog was as honest as I could with 95% of the bile stripped out, some people were concerned enough to try and contact me, as I have said previously, yes, my mood is black most days, but I have no intention to cause to harm to myself or anyone in my sphere of being. All I can do is try and do my best each day, as long as I wake up with the will to take a step forward, I don’t think there is a lot else I can do.

The boat is still leaking however I have started the bilge pumps once again with the intention of making it to the shore line, see I can still do the old boating analogy, when I want to.

Some of you have asked why I have been writing what I have and the simple answer is I can only write something honest, the truth will out, I believe if I try to write something cheerful (when I’m not) will come across as false and I have always been nothing but honest and truthful. Life (for everybody) is not always rosy, sometimes it’s shit and that’s what I am sailing through at the moment, work, music, life etc, etc is simply not floating my boat, I’m generally unhappy within myself, I have no intention of burdening anyone with the tales of woe (except within the pages of my blog) I simply hope by spewing forth all of this crap it will lighten my load, it hasn’t worked yet, but the intention is to continue to put my best foot forward.

This has been without a doubt the hardest part of my life, its not PTSD related all though that is floating around in the background, I had to go to a new site at work and it was a long gravel path to get there, I was like a cat trying to walk on water (gravel is a key trigger for my PTSD) in reality it might be funny at the time for someone who doesn’t know me, but its pure torture for me. Thankfully I was given a lift back to the office, I only had a minor meltdown one that I was able to circumvent by walking to get my bus connection instead of getting the shuttle to my destination, once at the bus stop, I got on the bus that takes an hour and a half instead of the 40-minute journey and slept the sleep of the dead until I got home, shell shocked but all the better for it.

My new work colleagues don’t know of my little foibles and so far, I have been able to keep my quirks to myself, I prefer that there is at least some mystery, at least for now, as I still haven’t got full time employment I have a year’s probation, and yes, I can do the job, I simply don’t want to have to go somewhere else to work, I like stability and the year long probation is waying heavily on my mind

While I do feel marginally better, I still feel like crap, thankfully the wife hasn’t smothered me with a pillow yet, she hasn’t poked the bear, it’s a learning curve for us all, she could still bring a shotgun to bear to give my legs a slap, mind you she might simply be oblivious and think I’m just being my usual miserable self! I’m still drowning, I’m still clutching at straws, I’m sure that would make a good lyric.

One of the good things I don’t have is Christmas being shoved down my throat at my present place of employment, you never know I might enjoy Christmas for a change (highly unlikely) but you never know, faith springs eternal. My health is as bad as  it can be at the moment, my eating habits being my number one priority to get under control as they tend to spiral out of control my eating habits are strictly governed by my mood, the better I am the less I eat, the blacker the mood the more I hoover up, I have put about a stone on since I last wrote a blog, I know what I have to do, it’s only me who can do it, I am aware, my problems my way of life, one step every day, I do intend to get the better of this, I am tempted to ask the dr’s for help if the run up to the end of the year doesn’t improve, I’m hoping to do better, going to the Drs is enough of a punishment!

The black clouds are still black, but I can see some grey clouds on the horizon, as I steer my ship to fairer winds and safer shores, all I can do is to keep trying, that’s the one promise I will always try to do, its not perfect but I am damned if I am intend to life get the better of me, I will do better, I can do better, as always best foot forward.

So the intention is to get playing more music, classic or new material I don’t care, music normally does right the ship, I need to sort my health out the list is getting longer although most of it is diabetes related, so that’s down to me, I have tendonitis, that’s simply down to the miles I am walking for work, that is what it is I can simply try my best and rest up when I get home, my torn rotator cuff has gotten annoying after lying dormant for so long, I awake each morning  with a pain in my neck quite literally and although it wears away as the day goes on its been with me for about 6 weeks and as well as this pain I get pins and needles in my hand, so  I feel that’s its connected, again annoying and not helping, my tinnitus has been down to a dull roar of late so thank the lord for small ,mercies! Having said that my arse is still like a rag man’s trumpet with all of the wind and crap pouring out of me!

Reading through my notes as I prepare to write this, I do strip out the bile (honest) my notes have towards the end of the month have taken a brighter hue than the earlier notes maybe its just as well I am only doing these on a monthly basis, if I was still doing them on a weekly basis I would sectioned in a hospital where they tie the sleeves of their jackets to the back of me, I’m not quite there, but I reckon I have sailed pretty damn close to that particular shoreline, so that’s it another missive without shape or construction, I can only thank the people who have asked how I’m doing, its not you it’s me, I will keep trying, allegedly!

So, one more before the end of the year and the intention is for it to be something historical rather than me simply a miserable bastard as people have been asking for something to hopefully make me a happier soul (highly unlikely) I have a number of medical tests in the coming weeks although I don’t hold out for any new hope it just goes round and round in circles, I bet the only news will be bad news, its been 4 years so far and I’m still no further forward, lets try and be optimistic and keep everything that can be crossed will be successful!

So, until the next time enjoy, stay safe and stay alive, watch the skies for incoming as there could be a couple of blogs musical and historical being prepped and not the usual self-pitying bile that the last couple of have been, honestly the intention is to do better, I can do better so spread the disease and until the next time……………………. Toodles!

And the man in the mirror has sad eyes

White Flags.

It never rains it pours!

And so, it continues, and not in a good way no matter what you try to do you simply can’t seem to shake off the crap that revolves around yourself!

Life is always paved with good intentions, I always try to do my best for my fellow humans its rarely ever reciprocated not that I want it to be but a sliver of luck would help in these dark days, it doesn’t matter what you do, life is shit!

The hound has returned to haunt me and this time he has shackled himself to me and I can’t shake him no matter what I try to do, this is the worst bout of darkness I have endured in the past 40 years, thankfully it is not my PTSD that is causing me any serious issues although it is never far away, I seem to have that handled although because of that statement I’m expecting it to come back to bite me in the ass at some point. All the tricks that I have learned over the last few years are doing absolutely fuck all, if anything they just seem to be making matters worse, I just can’t seem to shake this intense feeling of dread. The thought of simply fucking off and being a hermit is so appealing at the moment, although I am adult enough to know that isn’t an option.

I’m even trying to avoid talking to my own family, simply because of my mood, I feel it will simply create confrontation, as I would go out of my way to cause them pain, not that I want to, but it would be a momentary salve to ease my wounds if only for a few seconds, I wouldn’t mean it and again I’m enough of an adult to realise I don’t really wish to cause anybody else pain just to ease my own! The darkness seems to draw itself inside to me the only pleasure that I seem to get even if its only fleeting is to spew the black cancer of depression onto a virgin white page.

I feel isolated, if I am its simply because of my own actions, I don’t wish to interact, my life feels as if I’m living a lie, imposter syndrome personified, work is not helping, I am trying to my best   but the layers of indifference and politics don’t sit with me, I simply want to do the job to the best of my abilities and to actually make a difference, to help people but I seem to be swimming against the tide. I’m stressed there I said it, I don’t believe in stress, but I have developed a twitch in my eye which is a fuse, about 30 seconds after my eye twitches I seem to be enveloped in dark thoughts and its almost impossible to shake.

I am trying to play as much of old classic music as possible, but it’s not helping, I simply go through the motions playing artists that I love but deriving no pleasure from it, I feel empty inside, if this sounds like I have given up, I haven’t I am fighting as hard as I ever have, but to little or no avail, I retreat before the tide of blackness, I am cutting my lines of communication as I go, enforcing a scorched earth policy that is detrimental to myself, but the fall out is effecting others and I have no idea how to resolve this simply for their sake, me I don’t care, to use an army analogy I feel as though I am a tail end Charlie no matter happens and I will have to take the consequences of holding that position!

I’m living my life in confusion and I can’t seem to shake the fog that surround’s me, I know that I simply must keep going, Now, before anybody panics and thinks that I’m going to do something stupid and think that I would self-harm, well then you really don’t know me, I would never contemplate that, however I feel like the boxer who is taking punch after punch and I can’t seem to fall, at least if I fell, I could try to pick myself up!

 My medical issues are piling up, my diabetes is punishing me, in turn I am eating crap hoovering up silly amounts of the wrong food at the wrong times, not eating for ages then gorging until I feel sick, this in turn feeds into my other issues which is not pleasant in any way no matter what the Dr claims that the medication will do to alleviate the issue, what I’m eating doesn’t help , I know this is bad and I really don’t give a shit, literally, I know I should think of others, but I don’t, I’m being selfish, I’m not even thinking about myself. I have damaged rotator cuff that for some reason after a few years of being a good boy is flaring up, I can’t seem to work what’s causing it, I certainly am not doing any heavy manual work, my knees are in pain but I know that’s not helped by my eating habits, the more I eat the more I weigh the more pain I receive, it would appear I must be a masochist, I’m suffering from a bout of tendonitis, that’s not helped with work (large distances to be walked each day) I simply seem to cause several knock effects for all of it, my sleep is interrupted most nights, I dream weird dreams and when you consider I didn’t dream for over 35 years when it has started up again its quite exhausting. In the old days I would have simply gone for a walkabout, given my head a shake and pushed all of the crap down below, now it breaks through my defenses with great ease.  

I do feel better for getting it down on paper but in reality, this is late simply because my thoughts have been so dark and disturbing, even for me. I know what I have to do but I don’t seem to be able it to do, I am simply going to have to keep plugging away, the weekend looms it means I can retreat back into my shell, its monotone and mind numbing but its better than the shit I am going through on a day to day basis, so there you have it the internal ravings of a functional lunatic, if I won the lottery I would probably spend it on a doctor to crack my head open to see what’s wrong in there, so, watch the skies the intention is to be on an upward curve by the next one, I can’t promise anything other than I can but try, so until then stay safe and stay alive……………………Toodles!

Untitled Lullaby.

I really had the feeling that I should be writing something it was building up in side me like a volcano, oops that’s possibly a  bad metaphor when you consider what’s going on in Los Palmas but hell you kind of get the picture!

This week I discovered life is expensive, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise, life can also be shite, usually because it is expensive as well, but you simply have to pick yourself up and crack on!

Times have been decidedly shite for no other reason than I have let it take a bite out of my arse and because I let it, once I gave my head a shake the even keel has been restored, I’m back to my usual cheeky chappy, it might not last long but dammit I’m going to die trying! Actually, I’m guaranteed to die but I will be trying. Nothing was actually wrong as the earth had moved on, I was just feeling down, and I was reeling from punch after punch. Normally I would roll with it but for some reason I was in the depths of despair, trying to hide it, to be honest I’m not sure if I did a good job of it, not that it mattered I was down for the count, at the time I wasn’t having any success at getting back on my feet.

Out of the blue the haze lifted and slowly the fog in my mind was slowly disappearing, I was still taking hits to the head but the old me was resurfacing, I realised others needed me to be of clear head and not mopping around, I was hiding in work something I don’t really want to do anymore, it doesn’t help it simply stores the shit up, and it becomes infectious, let’s cut this shit out now.

We had yet another cunning plan to go and visit a friend who lives a distance away the wife needed it big style, so we booked a hotel and a road trip was confirmed, and we counted the days down as it would do us both the world of good, and god knows we both needed it, in the meantime the car needed to be serviced and it was identified that there was a couple of issues minor items but mega expensive doing it at a named garage, we used a local place so I wanted it done before the trip, we also needed 3 tyres (fuck) so off the car went and it came back after £690 worth of work (WTF) the hotel was another £200 it couldn’t get any more expensive, for once I had the cash available so I didn’t care.

Come the day we set off, not ten miles from home we get a bloody rock into the windscreen, there’s another £75, this is going to be another hole below the water line, the wife was amazed as I really didn’t care, she was freaking out, Life is expensive, it had to happen, the windscreen I could have done without, but hey ho lets go, other than the rock, it was a pleasant journey, we got to our allotted destination, we were staying at Fylde FC stadium  lovely and brand new (the wife picked it upon expert advice from the friend we were visiting) we got booked in the wife destroyed all of the security doors on the way to our suite (it’s swanky). A short respite and then we headed off to the Kingfisher for some grub another recommendation, it was close, and the beer and food was nice (I would give it an 8 out of ten) I wanted the glass they served the beer in, but it wasn’t too be, next time, then it was time to head back to our lovely abode, I treated the wife to an expensive coffee (pure muck) and then we retired for the evening.

I was up like a thief in the night before sunrise and was typing silently long before the wife rose from the dead, there was an issue with breakfast, would we mind having it in our room (hell no) it arrived slightly late, damn it I was starving, it was so lush, I was well satisfied, for once. A typical cunning plan, a spanner was thrown but we adapted and hurtled on into oblivion, actually we decided to spend the morning in Blackpool, god it was like the village of the damned, we got going and wandered the streets, I get why people like it and go and get hammered but as a holiday destination, it’s a no from me, I like the people I know from the area, but the council should be shot with shit for allowing the number of depilated buildings, I know they don’t belong to the council, but hells bells, I bet Sarajevo at the height of the fighting looked better than this, we discovered a second hand record shop (another recommendation) and although I was tempted, I was a good boy, I wasn’t buying out of need actually that should read as greed, anyway I was a really good boy!

A light lunch at Burger king, a small snooze before putting our glad rags on and heading out to see our friend, I am back in the land of the living (for the time being) I have no idea how long it will last, but I am willing to take it, what was crap as I tried to roll over the bed to avoid disturbing the wife nearly saw me cause  myself a mischief, the wife just shook her head, my body is a temple, a crumbling ruin at the feet of my wife. We retired for some light rest (OK I slept) then headed out for a designated rendezvous, The Black Valais, seemed nice but it had a kind of stand offish vibe and bloody expensive beer and even more expensive soft drinks, not that I minded the cost we were on our holibobs but it’s a big place and it wasn’t giving off a good vibe, there were more people through the door that left than stayed, we had a couple of drinks but the menu wasn’t too our fancy so we buggered off as well.

We tried the place that we had been in the night previously but that was bookings only, so we ended up a mile down the road in the Bell and Bottle, a much nicer ambience and a much nicer menu, we ate we laughed and I talked more than I should of seeing as how I was the plus one, nevertheless it was a great evening that ended way too soon, we retired to our respective places of rest and enjoyed an even more mellow end to the evening.

As usual I was up padding around in the dark at stupid o clock but the wife rose on time refreshed, we sorted ourselves out, packed our bags and that’s where it started to go horribly wrong as the wife during breakfast suffered a coughing fit which made her rush back to the room where she promptly threw her guts up, she was soon back but her throat was raw and she now had an annoying cough (annoying for her not me) once she was in a better frame of mind we signed out and headed for the hills.

Actually we headed across country to see my favourite part of my family who lives in sunny scunny, with my stomach gurgling and the wife and rasping cough we made a great pair as we arrived outside the wrong house (we overshot by two houses hey it is nearly ten years since we had been and the place had changed just a bit) we readjusted the parking situation and spent just over an hour in great company and we were introduced to Teddi, not a great move as it’s a puppy of 18 weeks and the wife went all gaga, no we are not getting another dog, I can’t go through that again.

Too soon it was over as we had a long journey home, but set off we did and it was thankfully a rather uneventful trip home, apart from the wife swearing at trucks and my guts grumbling away. Home again to the youngest and then the wife off to do a good deed for the eldest and then a slow night just being mellow apart from the biggest spider I had ever seen in the scuttling across the living room floor, much throwing of shoes didn’t get the blighter (but I did this morning ha-ha) again back to being up with the larks and my stomach has had its revenge I’m so glad we got home when we did because I would have burnt the car out rather than clean the torrent that erupted from me this morning, not nice!

Today well we are about to set off and sort out the damaged windscreen let’s see what joy that brings! We had to be up as we were going to get the windscreen fixed the lovely lady at national windscreens moved us up the list because we had come quite a distance, we headed into town and the wife obliged me in where we headed to, I saw a couple of ex work mates who was nice to see, glad to see them doing well. We wandered into the green market and did our thing but as we left I was starting to sink I needed food, but I didn’t know where to go, I wasn’t planning on anything fancy, as we were deciding where to go the wife turned around and went “this is a nice place I have been here before” (Harrys Bar in Newcastle I would recommend it to anybody it was so nice) so we went in and we were asked if we had a reservation? It’s a huge place with about 4 tables with people sitting even if there were 50 people behind us we wouldn’t fill the place, but the staff were lovely and we were soon sat down and ordering, it really was lovely and the food was nice which helps, I recovered and was still in good spirits, even after the bill arrived, we set off to get the car, headed home but first we had to get supplies as we had the grand kids coming to stay and they need certain food stuffs (when I was a lad I ate what I was given lol).

We arrived home to find some post through the door, missed a parcel, my hospital appointment on Christmas eve cancelled, another letter saying that they were moving my appointment to the 16^th of December (WTF) that was something I wants expecting, it will probably get cancelled and moved to next year because at times the behemoth that is the NHS struggles to know what the left hand is doing whist the right hand moves in mysterious ways!

A great evening with the grand kids and with no whinging, although the youngest suffered a coughing fit whilst asleep a couple of hours after going to bed, they both woke simultaneously the next morning but all was good in the hood, another good morning and the wife was dropping them off as she headed out to work, she is still suffering from her wear and tear of her fall earlier in the year and its heart breaking to see a little old woman come through the door after her 4 hour shift she is seeing a doctor quite regularly, but I think its doing more harm than good, I wish I made enough for her not to have to go to work, at the moment I don’t.

Yesterday was a strange day for me as I kind of crashed and burned (sleep wise) but I was in good spirits when the wife arrived home, I did my nursing duties then tried to sort out my older laptop whilst they watched the dancing nonsense,  the youngest hit the hay and we kind of drifted through the night until it was time for us to head up the wooden hill and we both drifted off to sleep, only for me to wake up at quarter past four, sod it I got back in bed and slept another hour I was still up for half five, but again in a positive vibe, I’ll run with it as  long as it lasts, knowing me it won’t be long LOL!  

The name game is in play as I sit and type this eating Colin The Caterpillar fruit sours (I know how healthy) playing the full discography of the band, as always no prizes for guessing but I always  get a laugh out of the wrong guesses, it’s the simple things in life as I get older hahahaha!

So there you go, possibly the longest blog in a while and hopefully the happiest in the same time frame, I seem to be out of practice as it seems so disjointed but I enjoyed putting this down to paper (so to speak) the older blogs are still chugging away with small numbers, probably either discovering them for the first time or its some nice person rereading them either way it makes me kind of happy, what’s the plan going forward well tomorrow I have to go back to work (no lottery win) tomorrow and I intend to go with the flow, again I will take my time before I blog again, simply as I don’t have a lot of (positive) things to say, however I am trying (well the wife seems to think so), so watch the skies for more incoming keep spreading the disease you never know the happiness hopefully will last into the next blog (fingers crossed). So, until then I will do the best I can, take care and stay alive until the next time ……. Toodles!

Symptom of the Universe.

This blog has been deleted and rewritten so many times over the last fortnight, undergoing different titles and different themes, I can’t deny one thing that “Bob” is back with a vengeance.

I also can’t deny that my wife has been my number one concern for the last couple of weeks, her needs have far outweighed mine and my concern was justified as she went through a number of lows with very few highs, she has done well since the loss of our fur baby, but the heartbreak isn’t even trying to hide its right there on the surface like a scab, its just daring you to pull it. We have had a few diversions including a lovely evening out in Newcastle (our first in nearly two years )with likeminded adults and I thought the cloud was going in the right direction, however I neglected my own well being and sleepless nights were creeping in and I was trying my best (and failing) to ignore them, I need to deal with these issues as they arise because if I don’t, well lets just say they have a tendency to spiral.

The wife has had bad moments of health and although she is in regular contact with the doctor it seems to be causing as many issues as resolving them, its not nice to see her punch drunk from the “cure” as well all that ails her, I continue with my imposter syndrome and all the while I failed to notice all the things that were starting to drag me down, I had been lethargic with literally no get up and go, my number one symptom is having no interest in music, simply travelling to work in a haze of negativity, salvation in the shape of two fully loaded MP3 players on my knee in my bag, but I simply choose to fester in all of my negativity and to gaze out of the windows of the bus but not focusing on reality.

I sit and sneer at the world and the people in it, thinking negative thoughts and when I realise that I am doing that my fall is complete and Bob wins out, and with the savaging that entails, my PTSD takes over, thankfully I still use the exercises that I was taught, but this fresh assault on my senses are so ferocious I am knocked to my knees and everything else piles in. before anybody thinks this is a woe is me blog, it’s not I don’t care what anybody things I am using this simply as a line of defence, I hate feeling like this but its in my hands to resolve. I will not be beaten I will fight back, I naively thought the course of CBT I did was like a magic wand that would wave all of my issues (yeah right) away.

And then we get to a week’s holiday and with many cunning plans, all the while I was going to knock the stuffing and complete all of my wishes, all the while “Bob” is picking them off one by one, although I have done stuff over the week and thankfully my grand kids have been the saviour of my sanity this week, even though the little darlings have had their challenging moments, its been a welcome distraction as I help them to come to terms that adults don’t know everything, although my sleeping patterns have been destroyed this week, I have been able to focus on the kids instead of some of my more worrying traits, again although I received over 400 albums at the start of the week I haven’t even looked at them as opposed to play any of them, that in itself is worrying. “Bob” has been  in my waking thoughts all day everyday for the last couple of weeks and the analogy is not lost on me that that we lost our fur baby my “mind” baby has savaged me relentlessly.

My own health issues haven’t exactly helped with my third round of the same tests finally being resolved, and the Dr again trying to get me to say “no I’m fine lets just leave it at that” as has happened previously, I think I annoyed him when I said I wanted to see a specialist, who then insisted that I complete yet another test (which was negative before) before he would add me to his list, well it was negative again and I see the specialist or at least a member of his team on Christmas eve, Merry Christmas lets shove a camera up your hoop, yeah I know I hope I spoiled somebody’s breakfast! So, I have to drag my sorry arse across the finish line, I hate Christmas Eve at the best of times, yes for my own personal reasons, you can imagine how happy this one will be.

Although there seems to be blackness in my every waking moment (no I have no intention of self-harming myself) I find myself in a negative space all the while, even though I try my best for everybody else, its almost like I’m baiting “Bob” to do his worst, I don’t seem to care what damage he  inflicts upon my person, I feel as though I need the pain to punish myself for god knows what? This has been the longest period of “Darkness” I have experienced in such a long time and although I’m not beaten, I know I’m on my knees, I need to give my head a shake and I need to get back up, the only person who can do it is me, if you see me in the street please know I am  trying my best and I am literally taking it one day at a time.

The last blog was done purely as a way of venting what I was feeling, the fact the wife was suffering and I was so unable to help definitely had a knock on effect, a lot of nice comments has helped, however two individuals who relished in poking at my scabs have since been barred, another reason comments are set to private, I do read them all, however I rarely take them to heart anymore, the fact that this blog has been written deleted and rewritten over a dozen times in the last fortnight should tell you where my head is at the moment, trust me it was a lot bleaker in the first few drafts, because I have withdrawn into my own cocoon, I know it’s a self-destructive thing to do.

I had an episode out in the street yesterday that I simply couldn’t avert, and the wife thought I was simply being stroppy, I wasn’t I was dealing with the biggest cluster fuck of the last the three years, hopefully now that it has passed I can begin the steady climb to be a normal person again (whatever a normal person looks like) my cunning plans will be left in the ruins of the last month or so, I need to pull myself together one day at a time.

Not the blog I was expecting but it’s the one I need to post simply to stop myself from festering, I should have realised that my blogging has been an outlet to keep myself on an even keel so maybe just maybe I will write a little bit more, the numbers can be what they are for once I’m not bothered I’m writing this purely as a salve to help rid myself of all the bile that affects me and those in my close proximity, I intend to spend the last couple of days of my leave trying to do what normal people do, I might not interact as much as normal people do but my intentions are true, hopefully that’s a step in the right direction.

So enough waffle there is lots of music and believe me there are lots of new and old stuff to listen to, this is what it is, hopefully (and its always my intention to write a happy blog, not many people believe me but I swear I do) the next one will hopefully groove to a better place so until then, watch the skies for a new missive in the shape of a blog, keep spreading this disease, so stay safe and stay alive, until the next time……..Toodles!

Sorrow.

This is not the intended blog.

 

This is not a happy blog.

 

This is a moment in time I simply didn’t wish had happened,

Last night my heart broke for a second time this week as I heard my wife sob uncontrollably, it’s a sound I had hoped I would never ever hear again, yet this week I have heard it twice!

We lost our fur baby this week something totally unexpected as he was only 7 years old.

I was full of pity for myself at the start of the week as it seemed as if yet again I was letting my life spiral out of control, my health issues were starting to kick my ass, I was also full of doubt as I was out of control with imposter syndrome, I was still coming to terms with my new job, if I’m honest I’m still in shell shock about leaving my last job, but that’s not what this was all about!

The week started as it normally does but I was unhappy and music was simply not helping, that in itself was a bad sign as if music can’t help then I’m screwed. I had been told that I had to (for the third time) start all over again with my health issues and to be honest I am as low as I can get with this matter again a blog for another time.

Tuesday was more of the same except I was home earlier than anticipated and the grand kids arrived, I was happy to see them as they do always lift my spirits, the hound was happy to see them as well as it means he can be full of beans, as I’m sure he thought he was the same as them (when he is not thinking that he was a horse) much Hijinx ensued and a fun time was had by all, they soon departed, and we settled into our nightly routine, our fur baby did his usual thing and kept popping his head into the living room to check on us or if someone was in the  kitchen he was there sitting behind you,  hoping for a treat!

Our youngest came home after a long day, and she was met by the usual greeting and she disappeared upstairs for a long soak after an even longer shift, she came down after just as we were sorting ourselves out to go to bed and she said that she would sort out the hound, it was at this point that it all went sideways! There was something wrong he was simply lying on the cold floor towards the back door, no movement, no breathing eyes open and oh so still, this was the first time that the wife’s heart broke this week.

You see she loved the dog more than anything, I have no issue with this it makes her happy, but the sound of her wailing was soul destroying, we sorted everything out made him comfortable, as he could be in this situation, I couldn’t leave him in the dark and turned on his night light one final time. I knew it was going to be a  long night, unfortunately I had to go to work the next day as I had made my mouth go and simply couldn’t get out of it, in a way I was glad as my eldest turned up to offer her help and her heart was destroyed, I’m glad I wasn’t here for that, all the things that had to be done was, and my eldest picked me up from work as she didn’t want me to be alone on the bus, when did she grow up, it was a very subdued house I returned to.

 

We floated around in a haze moving from room to room as and when we needed to, if ever there was a cunning plan needed this was the time! The wife had arranged for his cremation and I was happy with whatever she wanted, if she had wanted a post mortem (he was healthy and only 7 years old for god’s sake) I would have gladly paid for it, although I had put my issues on the back burner, I was now eating shite for England, and no it wasn’t helping!

Friday came and was so slow, we started turning the house around clearing his cages, bedding, toys al the things you buy in the hope you can make him a little bit happier. The crematorium rang to say that he could be collected and with heavy hearts we went and brought him home, I sent the wife to bed for some rest and for the second time week I heard her sob uncontrollably upstairs, again my heart broke, just a little bit more.

I am and always have been a bit of a cold fish to death, I’m not going to justify why here, just let’s say that that particular wall came down this week, I never ever want to hear my wife cry like that again, I’m not sure I could take that again. I was never a pet person but the wife was, I didn’t mind pets, but I had never had one, damn I find it hard enough to look after myself, never mind something that was going to rely on me, the wife had a cat when we met and he was a typical cat, totally indifferent to most things other than food but we got on, we soon ended up with a couple of dogs small and large, and when they went I didn’t like the feelings that were dredged up and I certainly didn’t like to see the wife so upset, we agreed to leave it a year simply so that we had time to ourselves but around six months later the hound arrived, I wasn’t happy!

There was nothing wrong with him, he was loveable, damn he was loveable, but I had to keep my gruff exterior, but I just remembered how distressed the wife was and what we had discussed, but things moved on we got on great, he would sit at my feet when we were alone together we got on great, then this happened, I honestly thought he was going to outlive me, I wish he had, I never ever wish to hear the wife in that state again, I probably will, but I don’t want to, so again we have agreed no more pets its is too emotionally distressing and I simply don’t wish to replace our fur baby, I miss him, there I said it, go figure, me a pet person, but we are all devastated, no more and this time I mean it.

Kodi has pride of place and when I came downstairs this morning, I said hello to him, I wasn’t able to give him his daily treat or be beaten to death by his bloody tail, damn that was a weapon of mass destruction, it seems so strange and empty without him here in a physical form, now its time to rebuild the bonds we have as a family and not to forget him, my issues are simply that and I will get on with it, I simply want the wife to be in a better place, me I’m a cold fish but I miss my fur baby!

These seem to be monthly these days and the blog I intended will not appear anytime soon, it was me being a pain, I realise there is more to life than just me, somebody read 117 blogs in one day , hopefully someone enjoyed the misery, it seems that’s what I write about, that was never the intention! so until the next time take care, stay alive ……Toodles!

Escape

So, the great escape is allegedly happening, some of us have worked but then stayed in, in a cell of their own making, for what seems like the longest time, not unhappy simply trying to stay safe, so I thought I would do the nice thing and insist that we do something as a couple, venture out into the big bad world, it was a skill we both needed to relearn, it’s been such a long time.

The first attempt failed, because of the weather, it rained and rained so we stayed in the house together, something I think we were both happy about, so I laid yet another cunning plan (can you see where this is going) and set a destination for our taste of freedom, as the day got closer we were both nervous we could see that, I had a little bit of work to carry out, the wife was at work on the Saturday, so  it worked quite well, there was no nervous energy we did what we had to, the night was pleasant and we climbed the wooden hill to go to the land of nod.

We awoke the next day, and there it was a nervous energy, were we really going to do this? damn, we were both a little snippy, so I tried to dial it back a little, lets go somewhere closer to home ok, so we did we had a nice little drive, but soon realised that there was nothing really to do, so we decided on another location closer to this one, and same again a nice drive but nothing to take our interest, then we get a call from our eldest who needed to borrow a small suitcase so that the Hurricane could go on a school trip we were heading closer to home so we decided to get some food from the Tesco close to home, literally 5 minutes  in and out, at this point I noticed that the wife was flagging and ever so just a little erratic.

She has a condition that I am usually quite good at predicting, not this time she was distracted as she parked the car in  its usual spot at home, she was distracted and not on point, she was flushed as well it was then that the penny finally dropped, as we started to cross the round she gripped my arm and I knew she was heading downwards, we were less than twenty yards from our front door, just as I was telling to watch her footing she went down and connected with the pavement, eyes rolled back into her head, thankfully she recovered almost instantly but the look of shame that her as an adult kissed the ground wasn’t far away.

I got her lifted up and into the house, the rest of the day was me back in scrubs looking after the patient, the day drifted and it seems that we are destined never to escape, the rest of the week has had highs and lows and nothing to do with football, but here’s hoping for an upward curve a friend from my real life got a new job and another friend from my work life announced she was expecting a baby at Christmas, two lovely people and I’m happy for both of them and we booked to go and see a dear friend at the other end of the country so there has been some good things happening.

So, the escape will happen obviously I shouldn’t push it, it’s just when it does happen, we haven’t got a clue what to do with it, the blog is still in a good place the numbers are respectable about 75% of what I was doing towards the end…...allegedly. Some peeps are catching up on the old ones and some nice comments have happened along the way. I’m still not sure what I want to do as the music supply has dried up, and if I am truly honest, I’m not really in a new music frame of mind all the time, its my security blanket so I have been playing old favourites, maybe that’s the way too go, I’m not sure just yet!

Let me know what you lot think, it does matter, and yes you do have a voice in this, monthly is working as I’m not stressing to hit a dead line and trying to be positive all of the time, so that’s the blog for now enjoy and yes the name game is in play it’s a song and an album title for the same band (damn that’s so easy) I nearly went with a Marillion song title that wasn’t from the Fish Era, don’t worry I gave my head a shake! So stay safe and look after yourself it will be about a month until the next one and by then the shite about football either way will be over(I hope) and no I don’t care either so don’t try and bait me (OK Nils I know what you are like) until the next time watch the skies for incoming……..Toodles!

Picking The Scab.

It didn’t take long for me to start picking at the scab, life has been too good, I’m just waiting for the clusterfuck to happen, its only a matter of time.

I started the new job and its great, loads of lovely people and its quite different to my last job, and yes I’m looking for the negatives, things are done differently, a whole different kind of hierarchy, not as in who’s in charge, just layer upon layer, and its all done to a strange timetable, its great it’s just me looking for faults I know that its going to go off on a tangent and my big mouth will paint me into a corner, I’m simply not used to things going this well, fingers crossed and no doubt when it does it will spread all over the blog!

The cunning plan that was shredded has been resurrected (number 646473692887) funnily enough it’s gone back to plan number one, which was shot down in flames on day one, we just have to wait six months because of me changing my job, counting the days as I type this, I’m sure that there will be many more detours in this particular story as well before we cross that particular finish line.

Bob was back circling me but thankfully he was kept at a distance, he crept in and I snapped at him with all that’s going on with work and such like, he didn’t like it, but he is still there sitting waiting patiently simply bidding his time, I know he will be back. The wife hasn’t been in the best of health and we have been trying to get her sorted its very slow she took a tumble down the stairs (not guilty) and damaged her knees and then her back came out in sympathy, well actually her whole body was jolted, it hasn’t been a good time for her, but she is slowly but surely getting there, however it hasn’t helped with the general mood in the house. My health has been crap but nowhere near as bad, but a new Dr on the scene and he wants me to go back to the very beginning of the treatment, I don’t think so, I feel a cunning plan coming on. more bloods and other bits and pieces I simply want to get some traction as this has been dragging on and off for over three years, I’m no further forward than I was when it first kicked off!

The blogs numbers have been damn good considering I have only been doing this every once in a while, again loads of ideas but not a lot that I would like to publish (way too many dark thoughts ) but it has helped, I believe I have finally gone stir crazy, its like I’m being punished for something I haven’t done, this bloody lockdown is driving me nuts and is making so damn squirrelly, maybe its simply the lockdown but I feel like I have not had any human (as in with friends) in over a year and I don’t like it.

So, a short and sweet blog simply to take my mind off picking at the scab (yes, the name game is in play) of life, I’m sure once there is some normality in my life (a clusterfuck every other day) there will be some normality to the blog, but I’m not counting my chickens just yet, so thanks for all of the kind words and lets just drift with the tide, I doubt I intend to write every week ( I know I have said that before ) but lets se where actually takes us, so watch the skies and keep an eye out for incoming, but until then, stay safe stay well and I will be here again soon……………………Toodles

Face Behind the Scream.

Please don’t panic, the world really did start spinning again, this is the aftermath, so if you read the last one you will be aware the arse dropped out of my world for a split second, it seemed longer as I had been institutionalised and I didn’t know what was going on in the outside world, some nice people told me to breathe and pointed me off down the road!

So I applied for 142 jobs in the space of 4 weeks, yes I know I panicked and thought of quantity over quality, I didn’t believe in myself , thankfully others did, some of the applications are still to close but I didn’t care, I was third time lucky, I would have loved the first job at a local health authority, but there wasn’t really enough prep time as the NHS is ever so slightly different with their own standards, add in the fact I was like a rabbit in the headlights, come on first external interview in ages (I had hair, yes that long ago) they let me down easy and I got some excellent feedback, which I took on board and moved on.

The second one was a long shot and a big step backwards but it would have suited me, however the main man didn’t like me, I got the vibe straight away, he saw  me as a threat, the others loved me and could see what I could bring to the table, it again was a curveball, I simply didn’t wish to be unemployed, they kept me hanging around for a second interview and again the guy was so petty, simply picking on silly things I knew I hadn’t got it but part of me insisted that I still try my best, and I did, the other person in the interview was pissed because they liked me they knew what I was bringing to the table, it was a no in the end but at least I gave it a shot. The other person sent a short email saying that they were going to pass my information to other companies, and they were true their word, unfortunately all too far for me to travel to, but they thought I was worth a punt!

At this point I went off to the job centre, who were to be blunt no use to me, the chap was nice enough, pleasant and polite but couldn’t get me out the door quick enough, even the security guard apologised as I was escorted out, damn I’m old when did they need Guards, I lived through the Thatcher years there was no need for them then? I had to do it all online, I filled the form in and was told they would be in touch within five weeks, what the actual fuck, no help no humanity, no nothing, I know I have been employed for a long time but what about empathy and what if I had worked for a really shit company who folded and no redundancy, how the hell are you supposed to last 5 weeks with no money damn, I thought it was the eighties all over again that’s the 1880’s, I would rather rob a bank and do time than go through that again!

Cunning plans were blown out of the water and I had to endure the meltdown, but this is the new me I was formulating new plans before the dust had even settled, move on adapt and overcome and all that bullshit, all the while with my diabetes causing me all the same issues, pointless going to the dr’s they will simply start over again from the beginning, time to rely on me and suffer the consequences further down the road.

Then suddenly the clouds parted and there were rays of sunshine, an interview, me and the daughter did some reconnaissance, we found out how to get there (it was a long walk)  discovered that there was a limited bus service, morning and night for staff, good job done, we headed home and then did the same thing, only this time we used the bus service, it was all good and doable, the interview was a day long, yes you read that right, and not as intensive as I feared, I made notes before, during and after, I remembered all of the great advice I got after my first interview, I thought it went well and was pleased as I got home, the next day I got  a call from the agency lady who was dealing with my application (its all very technical these days) “you seemed nervous” they said WTF! They would like to do an informal chat on Monday, the weekend I was crushed I had done all the right things and been as positive as I could be, I over thought the whole day all weekend, the longer the weekend went the more my confidence was holed below the waterline (the first reference in many blogs). Monday came and I put a brave face on and tried to do my best, I needn’t have worried because I knew straight away, I had got it, the following days have been a blur, the wife says she won’t take my picture on my first day even though I am going to work in a place of education, am I happy about it, HELL YEAH!

For some reason over the last few days the previous blogs have been getting read and I realised I missed this, so the cunning plan was revised the idea of reviewing music will run along side all of this, the blog will return, long live the blog, as I realised I needed it more than I thought, so here we go again, watch the skies for more incoming, help me keep spreading the disease, but until then there’s only one thing to say………….Toodles!

 

And yes, the name game is in play, it’s a bit of a curveball see if you can guess it!

Back in Black

 

I didn’t intend to continue to blog in this style, I had other plans, but they were stopped in grand style, this is what is happening and what I want people to know.

The world stopped turning only for a split second, but it has got me on my knees at this moment in time, a true world of pain and shit but I am not beaten, and I will not retreat! Its safe to say that I am not in a good place, or a good frame of mind, my love for life and the world just ground to a dead stop. I lost my job, after 35 years and various different roles the world stopped shopping and retailers stopped paying their rent or their service charge, so my company couldn’t afford to pay me or a number of others, it was a shock, but I soon shook my head and cracked on, what I wasn’t prepared for was a whole lot of back stabbing and people avoiding the bigger picture, there was still some lovely genuine people who I have a lot of time for and a whole heap of respect but there was some a great deal of back stabbing and empire building going on.

I’m not worried about them as they will reap what they sow as the blood letting will continue at a later date, its just a shame the way it came to a halt, if you are one of the good people (you know who you are) run far and run fast as there will be a whole heap of pain still to come, but this blog isn’t about them, it’s about me and the hole I have dug myself into and at the moment I have started using dynamite to dig myself in even further. Music which was to be the new direction stopped the day the earth stopped rotating for that nano second, whilst the earth as resumed its course music has been virtually silent, I am still playing some, but nowhere near as much as I would normally, I am at home 99% of the time with my collection and I barely play one or two albums on the days that I even do play music, and its made me angry so very angry, no matter how much I give my head a shake I know I am hurtling down a path I have no desire to go but at the moment I have no desire to stop it either!

I know I can reach out to some truly wonderful people, and some wonderful people have indeed been so helpful, I can’t thank them enough, but it would appear that I can’t even help myself which then spirals out into loathing hatred and anger all directed at me myself and I! I don’t want to involve anybody, I know this is my worst trait, this is me sending up flares warning people to steer clear, I am not in a good place, a place of my own doing and I simply wish not to bite any helping hands, I got myself here I need to want to have the desire to climb back out of the hole before it gets too deep, I am isolated and keep knocking helping hands away, I’m sorry its my default position, why should people want to help me when I won’t/can’t help myself, damn I don’t even like myself.

I feel like I am drowning and keep refusing to put on a life jacket god, knows how the family are putting up with the mood swings, nothing directed at anybody else it’s all internal, its all aimed at me but there will always be shrapnel, I don’t have a lot of friends and I don’t want to lose anyone simply because I’m a knob! What’s not helping is my PTSD/BOB has raised there twin heads and are circling for an opening, the PTSD had been going so well, but my sleep pattern has been affected which is simply not helping, all the tricks I was taught and were doing so well with, because of everything is stressing me out a little chip here and a little chip there is sending my anxiety levels back to old levels , again I know what is causing it, but all of my tricks seems ineffectual simply because I am doubting and not believing in myself.

Nothing is going as planned I have been unemployed for four weeks and I have applied for 142 jobs three replies three interviews, but everything is being done through agencies and god they are like car salesman ……fucking slimy! The main problem is I don’t drive, I knew this would be an issue but they hang up on you so fast its simply rude, I used to be so good at adapting and thinking on the go but I am simply doubting myself, it all chips away, I’m good I know I’m good I have a good reputation within the industry that I work in, but it means jack shit if it is even a millimetre off from what they want, I get it I really do but its so impersonal and downright degrading, I feel like a piece of meat in the butchers being pawed at and then thrown back on the scrap heap. Now I know this is not a unique situation damn it, I went through it after I left the army and I had a couple of years working here and there, but after 35 years building up a skill set in one place the world has moved on in the last year never mind the last 35. At the moment everything is black, as black as its ever been and I really don’t know if I have the tools to get the hell of it, I honestly don’t want help I simply hate my life at the moment, it is what it is and am I’m simply angry at the world and at myself!

The mood doesn’t help me or anybody within my local sphere (thankfully just the family at the moment) but that will change over the coming weeks, everything I seem to be touching is simply turning to shit, the return of “Bob” is stifling any creativity that I have and again I need to get him out of my life and get everything back to an even keel. At the moment it’s like I am simply trying to sabotage everything in my life, a reason why I have returned to blogging as I need to have an outlet other than howling at the moon like the lunatic I used to be, I have no intention of returning to those days but I’m hurtling towards lunacy at an alarming rate.

I know I have already pissed some people off, there’s not a lot I can do about that I feel as though my world is totally Fugazi, I am placing the sand bags in all of the openings and getting into a siege mentality, I cant remember the last time I was so angry with myself or even the world for that matter it’s been a while, all the cunning plans have been derailed as well just when I thought we could resolve our problems the big guns come out to play with us and boy they are simply pouring salvo after salvo at us. Onwards like a good soldier I know I will have these blips but it’s hard and I hate failing!

My/The world has changed I get that, I know I wont be missed by many at my old place of work, that’s just the way it goes and there is literally about 5 people who I will miss myself, but I cant look back I have to look forward and continue to give my head a shake, I can’t fail I won’t fail, its simply not an option, this blog is not a blog to get people to feel sorry for me, I wouldn’t want that for anything I am just forewarning people I will bite in my present state of mind, that’s not what I want but I do feel as though I am back into a corner and bad things are trying to get the better of me, they won’t but I need to adjust and hopefully people can adjust around me.

Thank you to everybody who has been kind enough to ask how I am, I did the first 2 music things and like I said at the start I have been put on my arse, I need to get music back in my life I cannot recall a time in my life where  I haven’t played music as long as this, music is the good stuff, music is the great leveller of any mood, music is simply everything, I’m not sure if I will return to blog on a more regular basis, I simply needed to vent, let’s see how I feel after this particular venting, I had intended to do it earlier this weekend, but I got my ass handed to me and this morning was the closest thing to a proper meltdown that I have had in a while, I have found the process of writing my notes then tweaking this over the course of the day has helped, not perfectly but it’s a start, job interview number two tomorrow, I would like this one even though its for considerably less than what I was on. I simply want to be back in the land of the living/working, watch the skies for more incoming, please feel free to spread the disease, until the next time and no I have no idea that will be stay safe and stay alive until then though………………Toodles!

Normal service will resume .....................presently !

 

 Neal Schon - Universe.    6/10.

Believe it or not I do actually like Neal Schon, I simply don't care for this album, I have played this constantly over the last week , and although it is well played and it has a rather expensive feel to it,  produced by Michael Narada Walden it doesn't really have much life in it, is it well played? well yes it is, but I feel that he doesn't play too his strengths, the album has 15 tracks 6 covers and 9 originals and runs for over 70 minutes, no matter how many times I have played it I have yet too come across a favourite track, I can usually find at least one, but this time to no avail!

I'm not a Hendrix fan so I tend to zone out when people play his songs, I get why he  is loved but his songs are best played by him, you are not going to improve on the original, just saying. the Eye of God has a nice Arabian feel running through it but it doesn't actually say anything, the whole album as a whole kind of meanders, was that the intention, I hope not,  as I have said I like him as a guitar player but he works better with others, from Sammy Hagar, Jan Hammer (Untold Passion a masterpiece) Hardline, Bad English, even with Journey but this I could kind of leave did I enjoy it? well kind of, but it had as much passion as a Yngwie Malmsteen song, kind of soulless and hangs around when it should have just left us already!

Its a nice album, but its an album that you could play in the background quite easily and it probably wouldn't offend too many people, Guitar albums should grab us by the lapels and give us a bloody good shake. i yawned all the way through the Journey, which is sad as its one of my faves! its simply not a great album and I'm not going to score something higher simply because he has played on some great albums, this isn't one of them. This has all been said before, if I'm going to compare it too any other guitar album that was recently, I would go with Joe Satriani , now that had a thread of humanity flowing through it that this kind of lacks, will I stop buying Neal Schon albums, I don't think so, but I think I would go to Spotify or some other listening platform before paying cash for a hard copy.

so there's the first one, I was really looking forward to it, but if I am honest I was a tad disappointed, I get a number of albums each week and then the names go into the bag and the album gets chose randomly the five albums for this week were:

Neal Schon - Universe

Soto - Revision

Volbeat - Hokus Bonus

Brian May - On my way up (Compilation)

Merryweather Stark - Rock Solid.

lets see what the new week brings!

Until the next time...… Toodles!

Brave New World.

 So here we go a brand new era, here's hoping that you like it if it not, erm well lets not go there!

I'm going to start off with my fave albums of last year, you might not agree, unfortunately, thats not an option for you, agree to disagree or go somewhere else this is a brand new world.......onwards!

So here we go strap your self in, here's the 2020 top ten.....in no particular order.

Thundermother - Heatwave, A swedish version (but an all girl version) of Halestorm, well Halestorm crossed with Airbourne, i like them, it is a little too polished for me (their fourth album) a little more rough around the edges would probably win them a few more fans !

Blue Oyster Cult - The Symbol Remains. One of my fave all time bands, when this was released i  had low expectations after their last album (some 20 years ago) boy was i wrong this is probably their strongest album since Fire of Unknown Origin, damn its good and the fresh blood has helped here's hoping that it won't be another 20 years before another album.

Tokyo Motor Fist - Lions, members from Danger Danger and Trixter made a damn good debut album, this might not be as good as that debut but it does move along at a pace and does tick all of the boxes.

Lonely Robot - Feelings are Good. Their fourth (who am i kidding its John Mitchell and friends) album its not as good as the first three (but there was a thread that ran through those albums) this is still a damn good album simply not as immediate as the previous releases.

Richie Kotzen 50 for 50. Yes thats right 50 songs for his 50th birthday its a long album (actually three CD's) but a damn good release, this appeals to me, its damn good!

Dennis De Young - 76 East (Vol 1). everything that a Styx album is missing,Classic songs , Classic vocals, and well lets be honest Dennis himself, this was to be his last album but he enjoyed making it so much it turned into two volumes, i wait with baited breath for the next one, Styx should have a listen because all of the ones that they have done without Dennis have been without humor or songs for that point.

Fish - Weltschmerz. this should have been my album of the year, but i had a strop, me with my reputation, as it happens i do have a few points of issue, its a double album, its got three of the tracks from the " A Parley with Angels" EP, albeit that they are remixed and i dont know which one should have been left off to make the said EP a bit more special, i dont care about more live stuff sorry its the new lyrics and tunes i want to pull apart, the fact that he is also retiring hasn't made me happy either, i mean does he not know who i am, dammit a great album and yes it is actually my album of the year.............Go Figure! the fact i have 73 albums by the gentleman with re issues and live stuff i'm sure he won't mind me having a strop it is a great album.

FM - Synchronized. another year another album, (actually its usually every two years) and another great album, a slight detour from their usual sound, thankfully they don't try and repeat previous glories, for me still the best British Vocalist of the last thirty years (damn i feel old). i could have gone for Steve Overland's solo album but i didn't, yes this is a damn good release.

Jim Kirkpatrick - Ballad of a Prodigal Son. another solo album from a member of FM, surely this can't be that good, 2020 was a damn good year and any other year and this would have been my album of the year, yes it has the DNA of Bernie Marsden on it, its in a style similar to Joe Bonamassa,  but listen to it and see if you don't think that this a damn good album, go on i dare you!

Joe Satriani - Shape shifting. I dont play an instrument, i have no understanding of the complexity of six string wizardry, but damn it this is so good, no shred or technicality boarding on alien skills, this is everything that you need in a guitar album, there is thread of humanity that runs through it from start to finish, another strong contender for album of the year.

There you go a brief overview of what i liked from last year and there was tons more, far too many to mention, they might creep in over the coming weeks, s low start to break me in slowly, i hope you like it please spread the word, i dont get paid to do this and i dont get free copies of the music listed this is what i liked from last year mind i'm not averse to the odd album being sent my way to review, hint hint, watch the skies the new wave has started, until then ........Toodles!

 

This Party’s Over.

Who would have thought after 9 years and now 500 blogs later that the blog was about to go through its first major overhaul, from now on the blog will be 99.9% music reviews and Gig reviews (do you remember gigs?) with the occasional personal blog thrown in the mix! i tried it out for a short time about 18 months ago to generally positive comments from you the maddening crowd!

Yes there will readers falling by the way side but I would like to say a big thank you to the following “Broadsword calling Danny Boy” Nils, Suki, Jessica, Poor Boy, Jens, Gunther (a late comer but a voracious reader with way too many questions) the Two Pierre’s from Canada and France, Sabine, Wolfie (power to the people) A lady by any other name ( I  will get so much shit for that one) Welder a big inspiration, Angie Shandi and her Hubby (a huge thanks on the mental health side of things) Steve Overland for the kind comments (yes that Steve Overland) and a cast of Hundreds (I could say thousands but I think many of you read the same blog time and again) I want to thank the cast of you all who got the blog to over 70000 hits last year you  made an old man feel very old!

Yes, there’s no big surprise, the name game is in play for one final time, but it is so easy even Nils should get it as I know he bought the album that it’s from (on my recommendation) no prizes just me taking the piss if you get it wrong! There will be no more whinging about my health, my mental health and various other items in my wild and wonderful (cough splutter) life, there will be no more scratching my head trying to put a positive spin on the universe, I intend to be truthful as we carry on I either like it or I don’t go figure. The blogs should be considerably shorter from here on in well unless it’s a discography review.

This will be a short one because I feel the need to be brief (for once) honestly for something that I started as anger management, it has turned into something enjoyable, so here’s to a new beginning simply another turn in life, I will miss some of you (mad impetuous fools) just as I miss my real friends out in the real world, I would love for you all to come along for the ride, but for once I’m a realist, life goes on!

So yes please watch the skies for incoming, more than ever I will need you lot to help spread the word, I can’t believe that this part of our party is over here’s to you all and for one last time, I simply bid you all………..TOODLES!