Sorrow.

This is not the intended blog.

 

This is not a happy blog.

 

This is a moment in time I simply didn’t wish had happened,

Last night my heart broke for a second time this week as I heard my wife sob uncontrollably, it’s a sound I had hoped I would never ever hear again, yet this week I have heard it twice!

We lost our fur baby this week something totally unexpected as he was only 7 years old.

I was full of pity for myself at the start of the week as it seemed as if yet again I was letting my life spiral out of control, my health issues were starting to kick my ass, I was also full of doubt as I was out of control with imposter syndrome, I was still coming to terms with my new job, if I’m honest I’m still in shell shock about leaving my last job, but that’s not what this was all about!

The week started as it normally does but I was unhappy and music was simply not helping, that in itself was a bad sign as if music can’t help then I’m screwed. I had been told that I had to (for the third time) start all over again with my health issues and to be honest I am as low as I can get with this matter again a blog for another time.

Tuesday was more of the same except I was home earlier than anticipated and the grand kids arrived, I was happy to see them as they do always lift my spirits, the hound was happy to see them as well as it means he can be full of beans, as I’m sure he thought he was the same as them (when he is not thinking that he was a horse) much Hijinx ensued and a fun time was had by all, they soon departed, and we settled into our nightly routine, our fur baby did his usual thing and kept popping his head into the living room to check on us or if someone was in the  kitchen he was there sitting behind you,  hoping for a treat!

Our youngest came home after a long day, and she was met by the usual greeting and she disappeared upstairs for a long soak after an even longer shift, she came down after just as we were sorting ourselves out to go to bed and she said that she would sort out the hound, it was at this point that it all went sideways! There was something wrong he was simply lying on the cold floor towards the back door, no movement, no breathing eyes open and oh so still, this was the first time that the wife’s heart broke this week.

You see she loved the dog more than anything, I have no issue with this it makes her happy, but the sound of her wailing was soul destroying, we sorted everything out made him comfortable, as he could be in this situation, I couldn’t leave him in the dark and turned on his night light one final time. I knew it was going to be a  long night, unfortunately I had to go to work the next day as I had made my mouth go and simply couldn’t get out of it, in a way I was glad as my eldest turned up to offer her help and her heart was destroyed, I’m glad I wasn’t here for that, all the things that had to be done was, and my eldest picked me up from work as she didn’t want me to be alone on the bus, when did she grow up, it was a very subdued house I returned to.

 

We floated around in a haze moving from room to room as and when we needed to, if ever there was a cunning plan needed this was the time! The wife had arranged for his cremation and I was happy with whatever she wanted, if she had wanted a post mortem (he was healthy and only 7 years old for god’s sake) I would have gladly paid for it, although I had put my issues on the back burner, I was now eating shite for England, and no it wasn’t helping!

Friday came and was so slow, we started turning the house around clearing his cages, bedding, toys al the things you buy in the hope you can make him a little bit happier. The crematorium rang to say that he could be collected and with heavy hearts we went and brought him home, I sent the wife to bed for some rest and for the second time week I heard her sob uncontrollably upstairs, again my heart broke, just a little bit more.

I am and always have been a bit of a cold fish to death, I’m not going to justify why here, just let’s say that that particular wall came down this week, I never ever want to hear my wife cry like that again, I’m not sure I could take that again. I was never a pet person but the wife was, I didn’t mind pets, but I had never had one, damn I find it hard enough to look after myself, never mind something that was going to rely on me, the wife had a cat when we met and he was a typical cat, totally indifferent to most things other than food but we got on, we soon ended up with a couple of dogs small and large, and when they went I didn’t like the feelings that were dredged up and I certainly didn’t like to see the wife so upset, we agreed to leave it a year simply so that we had time to ourselves but around six months later the hound arrived, I wasn’t happy!

There was nothing wrong with him, he was loveable, damn he was loveable, but I had to keep my gruff exterior, but I just remembered how distressed the wife was and what we had discussed, but things moved on we got on great, he would sit at my feet when we were alone together we got on great, then this happened, I honestly thought he was going to outlive me, I wish he had, I never ever wish to hear the wife in that state again, I probably will, but I don’t want to, so again we have agreed no more pets its is too emotionally distressing and I simply don’t wish to replace our fur baby, I miss him, there I said it, go figure, me a pet person, but we are all devastated, no more and this time I mean it.

Kodi has pride of place and when I came downstairs this morning, I said hello to him, I wasn’t able to give him his daily treat or be beaten to death by his bloody tail, damn that was a weapon of mass destruction, it seems so strange and empty without him here in a physical form, now its time to rebuild the bonds we have as a family and not to forget him, my issues are simply that and I will get on with it, I simply want the wife to be in a better place, me I’m a cold fish but I miss my fur baby!

These seem to be monthly these days and the blog I intended will not appear anytime soon, it was me being a pain, I realise there is more to life than just me, somebody read 117 blogs in one day , hopefully someone enjoyed the misery, it seems that’s what I write about, that was never the intention! so until the next time take care, stay alive ……Toodles!