Its the end of the world as we know it!

 

Words seem to be everywhere, words upon words, people talk drivel, use My head is full of ill thoughts, bad words and a whole lot of other piffle, big words to hide what they mean what they intend, it’s all the same and its only getting worse, the holiday hasn’t felt like a holiday and my sleeping habits have worsened, I have no idea why or what else could be causing it, its making me fractious!

Actions hide actions, people don’t intend to keep their word by completing tasks assigned to them, I was busy, I didn’t see it, so many excuses, so many dark thoughts of intent, so many false promises, with no intention to assist in any way! I’m suspicious simply because I can be, lack of sleep is definitely not helping, the health of the wife and the stress she is under isn’t helping, all the while I’m suspicious of people’s motives, people who say they intend to do things but don’t / haven’t!

Lies, they are everywhere, people seem to have no issues what so ever in spewing forth the crap that they think people wish to hear, the truth would be nice, but people tend to give what they receive, and when they do get the truth, they are offended, the world is so easily offended, out of sight out of mind, until they want a professional opinion, 35 years there and now I’m gone after nearly three years gone they appear before me as friends, but it’s simply they don’t have a clue and want to know how to do a certain thing, they are not happy with my response, I have told them not to do it, not for a gold pig unless directed by someone above and only then get it in writing, the deed has the potential for a small room and bars on the window, they thought I was going to tell them how to circumnavigate the law! Nope, no sir, I wouldn’t in my previous work life and I won’t help you into a dock now!

People are more important than everybody else. Nobody is of consequence, trample the weak and hurdle the dead, it’s the motto of modern man, nobody helps anybody else, unless there is something in it for them, never a helping hand simply to help, always an ulterior motive! Let’s see if they turn up on the designated hour, I doubt that they will, especially after I have said that I won’t be party to it, you need to be very, very qualified which none of them are, chinless wonders who don’t want to pay the dues to maintain something, I will assist the prosecution, but not the gang of four!

Falsehoods, and insincere motives, it tells you all you need to know about not just the individual,  but the whole population in general, Inane platitudes hoping that the visage of being nice will hopefully push you into doing something that somebody else should be doing, people seem to be unable to help, seem to not want to help, time moves on slowly, but the world is still going to hell and people lie about it and the consequences with a smile and a grimace.

These words have been written as a stream off thoughtlessness with no intention of doing anything about what I am railing against. Sometimes it’s good to spew forth against nothing in general, simply wishing to be annoying, not helpful, but that’s what the rest of the world is like, there are some people wonderful like the diamond shinning in the coal pile, they stand out, if  you know anyone like this, cherish them, because they will make you see that there is good in the world I do know people like this and I do hold them very close, I may not see them as much as I would like to, who knows what the new year  and new promise can bring?

My view of the world is jaded at the moment, I do try to be as positive person, it has taken a battering even more so in the last 6 months, wealth, health and the general meaning of life have taken a great battering of late, simply because we are isolated, and getting more isolated with the lies that are fed by insincere people, that’s mainly me and actually I should say they are former friends who cut and run as soon as they knew I wouldn’t be of any use to them, all of the good ones got out at the same time! not friends but friends of friends with a smiling face, but no good intentions, they simply want to do as little as they can to reap the maximum from your soul, I don’t trust these kind of people and I don’t like the majority of them, I have some friends who I see very little of but I hold them dear to my heart and miss them more every day, but they are always in my thoughts and wishes.

This is simply an exercise in exorcising the bad that haunts my thoughts, trying to be a better person, trying to improve myself for the better, I think myself as a good person, but the blackness that infects my soul has to be stopped, I don’t wish to appear jaded, I want to appear involved, I want to be actually involved, I want to actually help people, I want to be  seen to helpful, kind and any other descriptive word that brings positivity. I do not want to bring negativity to anybody, I need to do this for me, not for others, I do want to help others, but not to the detriment of me and my family,  I want to be full of positive vibes, I want to be there for genuine people, genuine  family and genuine  friends, you all know who you are!

How do I do this, simply by being in the present, something I have been guilty of not being, I need to improve not only for myself, but for friends, family and the general public, can I , will I, the intention is there, I can only but try , the new year brings new issues and retains all of the old ones, my intention is to mow them down like a fine lawn and to make sure that for everybody involved they receive the best me, so that the “lawn” is fed and watered by me so that everybody benefits, will I achieve this? I have no idea I can but try, this is my wish, promise, intention to be the best person that I can be in the coming year! Watch this space.

That’s me expelling all of the festering rottenness of 2023, I am looking forward to seeing the genuine friends in the new year don’t say that you haven’t been warned we need you otherwise it will be a long down wards spiral, now don’t forget we are available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, gigs, general chat , quick visits you name I’m sure that we can accommodate you all, and this is the last blog of 2023, so until the coming year that is 2024…..Toodles!

Same Old Blues.

So back to the blog, the real blog not the episodic ones of late, they have given me some space, my mind wasn’t /hasn’t been in the best of places, no I’m not looking for sympathy simply making a statement of intent!

Since our return “Bob” has been a constant companion, quite content to sit out by the perimeter edge, he knows he’s doing more damage this way than coming and chewing at me, unknown ideas and thoughts flood me in moments of uncertainty, if I flare up to get rid of him he simply slinks back into the shadows knowing that the edge this gives him, although I put a happy face on in company (mainly work sometimes with the wife) I’m not in a bad place I’m simply on edge and tired! The main thought is that I’m letting everybody down, I’m savvy enough to know that I’m not, but the circling “Bob” is unsettling me!

The wife is in way worse shape than me and she is trying really hard, the holiday is long gone and the stuff of nightmares has returned, she is still struggling, again I feel as though my best is simply not good enough, I’m trying to coax her back into the real world and every time I think we have managed a step it looks as though we fall back two steps! As I have said many times, as long as I wake up happy, I will struggle on, the problem is I am struggling from the moment my foot touches the floor, my get up and go has simply deserted me, its like I’m running a marathon and I haven’t done any training what so ever. As the day drags on it feels like I have been poked by sticks, bloody big sticks, and before you ask, yes, I am indeed sleeping (if you call an average 4/5 hours sleep) but I am not feeling the benefit from it, I’m drained from the get go!

I’m having issues getting some of my medication, or should I say getting to talk to anybody about it, three months without it is not helping, they are either ignoring me because they can or the messages aren’t being passed to the relevant individuals, hence my present mood, I know it’s the root cause of all my issues, normally when I’m like this I bury myself in work, even this staple hasn’t helped, its simply adding to the issues, I feel further isolated from reality, the reality of life the universe, I’m simply obsessing over “Bob”!

On holiday I exacerbated an old whiplash injury that is impacting my general health, go see a doctor what’s the point, I cant see the person for my diabetes, how will I get to see never mind speak to a dr, its all a downward spiral, I nearly threw a chair at a person who replied “its not that hard to get help” try it you smug son of a bitch, I honestly feel like I’m being stretched thin, on top of this a couple of weeks ago, I endured yet another assassination attempt (only joking…..I hope) I tripped in the house landing quite badly hurting my dodgy shoulder, cracking  some ribs (once broken they never heal, and they hurt most of the time anyways) I skinned my knee (which as I type is even more sore 4 weeks down the line) I lay on the floor a good 15 minutes, you simply couldn’t bend wire the shape I was in, god it hurt, the wife trying to help, at least I didn’t swear at her, at least I don’t think I did, I have been struggling to breath, but I have been taking painkillers to help, as I am at risk of getting Pneumonia because of all the past medical injuries/issues, with my ribs historically, I don’t do well on painkillers, but I do soldier on, once a squaddie always a squaddie, I’m not as resilient as I used to be as a young lad, I literally don’t bounce back like I used to!

I think reverting to misery doesn’t help, not a lot I can do but get on with it, while I’m on the subject, I am still suffering from the holidays with my ears again an old injury, but it’s been a long time since I have had an episode that has lasted as long as this, its simply just another thing that’s pissing me off, but I won’t be beaten I will win no matter what the cost! It just seems like its one fabulous disaster after another, what will go wrong next, I’ve jinxed myself haven’t I?

It comes back to the fact that I feel as though I have been letting everybody down, the health issues just make everything worse, The wife has her own issues to deal with as well as the Hurricane and all of the issues that go with a 12 year old with his medical conditions, and there is none of his medication in the whole country, thanks to everybody who voted for brexit, what is the tory party slogan “trample the weak and hurdle the dead” surely a vet would have put us all down if we were farm animals “its not worth the money to fix them” mind you the fact I cant get a reply from my local surgery maybe that’s the route that they have decided to go down!

Technology is pissing me off as well at home as well as at work, lets just fix it rather than filling in a dozen forms, no wonder I’m not in the best frame of mind, then whilst working from home I have started (god knows why) listening to Planet Rock on a radio, what a crock, the same tracks over and over again, and the staff who don’t have a clue who wrote what, who plays what or even the albums they came from, I really do need to avoid chinless wonders who do not have a bloody clue, I got invited to a works reunion, erm no after 35 years I will be at the next one after another 35 years! I seem to be quite happy letting the darkness feed from my heart, I’d rather sit in the dark than deal those individuals again, I do miss real my friends though, we both do!

As I read this back, I realise that there a streak of black running through this blog a mile wide, it was not intentional, it’s been a long and emotional bloody 6 months and all the issues haven’t helped, if “Bob” shows his face anytime soon, I will probably chase after him with a bloody big stick off into the dark of the night, I am not beaten (I am bruised) I will not give up, we are still here slightly tattered but still standing, and the intention is to keep standing and standing tall, please don’t think that I will harm myself, I’m simply a tired man, the original reading of this would have had the Samaritans do a house call to do an intervention, slowly but surely we will drag ourselves back to the light, but I am going to have a rest from blogging, this will be the last of the year, not the last, I have some ideas musical, historical ideas for the new year, you get the picture!

So, thanks to everybody who has stuck with the good ship “Walks with Broken Hoop” the numbers have been astounding nearly double of last year six figures, I never thought I could hit those heights, keep spreading the disease, watch the skies, lets hope the new year brings good cheer to each and everyone of you and that you all enjoy a very merry Christmas, but until then the only thing left to say is……………. Toodles!