Same Old Blues.

So back to the blog, the real blog not the episodic ones of late, they have given me some space, my mind wasn’t /hasn’t been in the best of places, no I’m not looking for sympathy simply making a statement of intent!

Since our return “Bob” has been a constant companion, quite content to sit out by the perimeter edge, he knows he’s doing more damage this way than coming and chewing at me, unknown ideas and thoughts flood me in moments of uncertainty, if I flare up to get rid of him he simply slinks back into the shadows knowing that the edge this gives him, although I put a happy face on in company (mainly work sometimes with the wife) I’m not in a bad place I’m simply on edge and tired! The main thought is that I’m letting everybody down, I’m savvy enough to know that I’m not, but the circling “Bob” is unsettling me!

The wife is in way worse shape than me and she is trying really hard, the holiday is long gone and the stuff of nightmares has returned, she is still struggling, again I feel as though my best is simply not good enough, I’m trying to coax her back into the real world and every time I think we have managed a step it looks as though we fall back two steps! As I have said many times, as long as I wake up happy, I will struggle on, the problem is I am struggling from the moment my foot touches the floor, my get up and go has simply deserted me, its like I’m running a marathon and I haven’t done any training what so ever. As the day drags on it feels like I have been poked by sticks, bloody big sticks, and before you ask, yes, I am indeed sleeping (if you call an average 4/5 hours sleep) but I am not feeling the benefit from it, I’m drained from the get go!

I’m having issues getting some of my medication, or should I say getting to talk to anybody about it, three months without it is not helping, they are either ignoring me because they can or the messages aren’t being passed to the relevant individuals, hence my present mood, I know it’s the root cause of all my issues, normally when I’m like this I bury myself in work, even this staple hasn’t helped, its simply adding to the issues, I feel further isolated from reality, the reality of life the universe, I’m simply obsessing over “Bob”!

On holiday I exacerbated an old whiplash injury that is impacting my general health, go see a doctor what’s the point, I cant see the person for my diabetes, how will I get to see never mind speak to a dr, its all a downward spiral, I nearly threw a chair at a person who replied “its not that hard to get help” try it you smug son of a bitch, I honestly feel like I’m being stretched thin, on top of this a couple of weeks ago, I endured yet another assassination attempt (only joking…..I hope) I tripped in the house landing quite badly hurting my dodgy shoulder, cracking  some ribs (once broken they never heal, and they hurt most of the time anyways) I skinned my knee (which as I type is even more sore 4 weeks down the line) I lay on the floor a good 15 minutes, you simply couldn’t bend wire the shape I was in, god it hurt, the wife trying to help, at least I didn’t swear at her, at least I don’t think I did, I have been struggling to breath, but I have been taking painkillers to help, as I am at risk of getting Pneumonia because of all the past medical injuries/issues, with my ribs historically, I don’t do well on painkillers, but I do soldier on, once a squaddie always a squaddie, I’m not as resilient as I used to be as a young lad, I literally don’t bounce back like I used to!

I think reverting to misery doesn’t help, not a lot I can do but get on with it, while I’m on the subject, I am still suffering from the holidays with my ears again an old injury, but it’s been a long time since I have had an episode that has lasted as long as this, its simply just another thing that’s pissing me off, but I won’t be beaten I will win no matter what the cost! It just seems like its one fabulous disaster after another, what will go wrong next, I’ve jinxed myself haven’t I?

It comes back to the fact that I feel as though I have been letting everybody down, the health issues just make everything worse, The wife has her own issues to deal with as well as the Hurricane and all of the issues that go with a 12 year old with his medical conditions, and there is none of his medication in the whole country, thanks to everybody who voted for brexit, what is the tory party slogan “trample the weak and hurdle the dead” surely a vet would have put us all down if we were farm animals “its not worth the money to fix them” mind you the fact I cant get a reply from my local surgery maybe that’s the route that they have decided to go down!

Technology is pissing me off as well at home as well as at work, lets just fix it rather than filling in a dozen forms, no wonder I’m not in the best frame of mind, then whilst working from home I have started (god knows why) listening to Planet Rock on a radio, what a crock, the same tracks over and over again, and the staff who don’t have a clue who wrote what, who plays what or even the albums they came from, I really do need to avoid chinless wonders who do not have a bloody clue, I got invited to a works reunion, erm no after 35 years I will be at the next one after another 35 years! I seem to be quite happy letting the darkness feed from my heart, I’d rather sit in the dark than deal those individuals again, I do miss real my friends though, we both do!

As I read this back, I realise that there a streak of black running through this blog a mile wide, it was not intentional, it’s been a long and emotional bloody 6 months and all the issues haven’t helped, if “Bob” shows his face anytime soon, I will probably chase after him with a bloody big stick off into the dark of the night, I am not beaten (I am bruised) I will not give up, we are still here slightly tattered but still standing, and the intention is to keep standing and standing tall, please don’t think that I will harm myself, I’m simply a tired man, the original reading of this would have had the Samaritans do a house call to do an intervention, slowly but surely we will drag ourselves back to the light, but I am going to have a rest from blogging, this will be the last of the year, not the last, I have some ideas musical, historical ideas for the new year, you get the picture!

So, thanks to everybody who has stuck with the good ship “Walks with Broken Hoop” the numbers have been astounding nearly double of last year six figures, I never thought I could hit those heights, keep spreading the disease, watch the skies, lets hope the new year brings good cheer to each and everyone of you and that you all enjoy a very merry Christmas, but until then the only thing left to say is……………. Toodles!