Into the void

It didn't get any better and the writing that I have done so far this week has to be some of the bleakest piles of bile I believe I have ever written not woe is me stuff just down right angry!

Angry about what I have no idea, but in the background something is bubbling away and I need to get it the hell away from me before I do or say something that I know for a fact I will regret, even at work where I am usually a happy go lucky type of guy (yeah me) certain people who have noticed Mr grumpy coming out to play have steered clear and one or two who know me by reputation have steered clear of me as it seems I'm giving out a vibe!

I will say that I'm unhappy and I have no idea about what, there's loads of stuff going on that could wind me up but in general I would disagree with myself straight away, I can not put my finger on it nobody has pissed me off (well no more than usual) my life choices are my life choices it's pointless after all this time, FFS just get on with it.

So I think the deal is I have to make myself happy I have to make my self like me, and after all this time I honestly have no idea on how to do that do, No I don't think that  this a mid life crisis damn I'm way past mid life, I miss my friends! I miss being able to do what I want, when I want and by that I mean simply going for a walk or jumping on a bus and going out with my camera, moving back to Gimpsville stopped everything  I know I am a person of simple taste, I do not need a lot of money to do something to cheer me up, but of late I go to work and come home, help look after Junior or the wife or whatever and I don't mind but what little joy is out there is slowly being squeezed out of me, I'm not interested in the Kraken's problems or the eldest's weekly trauma I don't care about looking after the hurricane, does this make me a bad person hell no I have spent the last 21 years putting everybody first first first! and I have no problem with that but I want some me time I need some me time all work and no play makes me a very dull boy!

My weight is really pissing me off and all the cunning plans in the world is not cutting the mustard in anyway shape or form I need exercise and to do that I need to get out of the house, and get out into the countryside like I used to do something rather than just Veg out I have the life of a sloth and I need to shake myself out of this lethargy, now this I have to do, for myself, nobody else, I need to get a bloody life, find a hobby anything, otherwise I will have wasted the last twenty plus years.

I'm not blaming anybody else I haven't taken a huff with anybody but me, I have realised sometimes just sometimes I have to do stuff for me and fuck everybody else! is this going to make me popular more than likely not and that is not the intention so as I jump off into the void I need my family's support otherwise I will settle into a world of sloth and basically I might as well shoot myself in the head and the truth of the matter is this boy is not for giving up, I'm going down swinging throwing as many punches as possible, I joke that I don't have long left I'm hoping for at least another 25 years (more if possible) and I don't see why I should waste it, I am not a prisoner I am not a number I am somebody who is killing himself working working working with little joy left in the remaining waking hours!

I have no intention of disappearing or growing my hair again (hahahaha) or even running off with a Russian mail order bride, you know the scheme, I just want to have a fruitful (and not in a gay way) life yeah me, watch this space the wife will have me back in my cell before you can blow a whistle. I need this as my writing (which in reality is my only hobby and that doesn't give me much physical exercise) is as stale as I imagine my twisted little life to be!

Hopefully this bile induced blog will have cleared the way for some more user friendly items,I feel as though I need this so badly, stuff the lottery win just some good friends (and I have some of the best) and some alone time, watch the skies and until then .....Toodles

Oh and by the way I have missed my publishing deadline hopefully the new book will be off to the publishers by Sunday (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

Raging Silence

As I sat on the plague carrier to work this morning I realised I had to give myself a shake and get on with life the universe and everything that goes with it!

I know this has been the longest (official) break between blogs and I have received (thanks folks) a number of folks asking how I am doing .....and I don't really know how to answer, I have a million and one ideas floating in my head but not the slightest inclination to put them to paper so to speak. Have I been depressed (like normal) and I have to admit no I haven't, I feel as though in reality that I have actually been sulking and slightly petulant! 

I have had a number of issues nothing major or blog worthy but something that has log jammed my life as a whole, generally not happy but nothing that I can put a finger on, I probably do know, but I'm probably not eloquent enough to vent my spleen and it would just cause me issues further on down the line. Issues that I can well do without as there is enough crap cluttering my existence for me to add to the ever growing pile. My writing had been going so well ( when you consider I intend to send the new book to the publishers this Thursday hahahaha) and I have quite a bit to review and revise, oh deep joy my insides are saying but it's better than leaping from a tall building.

Family issues are the same (as shit as ever) and I would really like to give them all a bloody shake (ooops might have just hit on the problem) I don't ask for much, just a little happiness on a consistent basis, I don't need lots of money (cough cough splutter) but there are times I wish I could be a heartless bastard (not in my nature I'm afraid ...nice guys do finish last!) and just think of me and sod the world, but no I will pick up my shackles and carry on.

So once I get sorted with all my chores and anything else that can be thrown my way I intend to blog and write my little heart out! so don't say you lot haven't been warned you really do need to be careful about what you all wish for, so incoming and watch the skies and any other shite I have a tendency to waffle it's all on its way big stylee so until then .....Toodles!

Bring back yesterday

Yesterday was pretty good, well for a work day it was, today though already I'm bored, disgruntled, pissed off and in a right one according to whoever you ask, you can pick which ever one you want, to be on honest it is what it is, I have reason to believe I have never controlled my own destiny so live with it, I know I have to!

The day hasn't got off to the best start as the old man of the house need some TLC (not a problem with that) up at stupid O'clock, but it doesn't help later in the day when I blink and lose a few hours, I'm still stupid enough to get up and then start working so as not to disturb the quality of my family time at the weekend (damn am I drunk ...at this time of the morning) and not get more grief than usual (yeah right) so lets take a deep breath and lets get through the pain barrier!

My youngest I have discovered has the will power of an heroin addict working in an heroin producing factory, we had made a pact to not drink coke in her case and me not to eat chocolate for lent, not for any religious reason other than we could or rather she couldn't she was a coca cola guzzling trash hound within 48 hours, my wife sat filling her face with chocolate rubbing it in with a shit eating grin (pain will be delivered at the correct time) I still find it hard to believe that I wasn't the first to buckle just goes to show I suppose.

Today could just be the day to kick start the writing as the log jam just refuses to budge, lots of ideas just I haven't had the temperament to get my finger out and crack on (oh the pain of a writers life) I still find it hard to believe that some days I can throw at least five chapters down on to the page (and yes then the hard work starts to polish it up) and other days I struggle to string five words together hell it's not like it's earth shattering stuff just the gibberish of a short fat bald speccy gadgy...if you know what I mean!  

Music shall be my muse today and it shall take where ever it desires (so far it's been Metallica, Lynryd Skynrd, Ted Nugent, Blue Oyster Cult, Rainbow, Francis Dunnery and some Vanessa Carlton and that's just since I got up, I have dinner floating around my head and once that has been consumed it will be onto full on writing mode.....is that a good thing? I have no idea and I don't care!

Some cunning plans for tomorrow and hopefully then it's back into full on mode to be with friends and partners in crime but I think the Mrs deserves a meal out even though we do not celebrate that thing known as valentines day, then to sleep as it's a few early rises for work with some long hours thrown into the mix and then a few weeks on the peasant wagon so i will go back to seat baiting (sitting where I don't belong) this last six months has been cack and I can't wait for the Tee Hee club to get back into full swing damn I miss those crazies so damn much!

There you go don't say that I don't do nuthin for ya's now it's time to knuckle down and grin and bear it play nice and if you can't play nice have some fun and feck the world we ain't here long I do believe it's time to have some fun in my life ....said the wise man to the fool until then Toodles!

Funk 49

OK OK So it's been a while and not for the want of it! work has taken over again and days just seem to blend into one another it's the way it is at the moment and although I'm not over the moon it is what it is!

A number of you have been e-mailing to check on my current state of mind, which is.......OK I suppose not great but not bad either just a tad of lethargy hanging around but a dose of good news last Tuesday, sent me thinking when I woke up the next day as to what was going to go wrong?well only a few nibbles here and there but nothing to lose sleep over, Friday was a day of reckoning somebody told a lie just a little lie but I haven't taken it kindly, so the jungle drums have started beating and although the guilty party did try to smooth the way today .....it didn't work and it's now official that person is now on my shit list and as we all know a grudge is for life not just for Christmas!

The wife has been fading of late a combination of things but hopefully she is potentially a little better, but lets watch this space, today she was at the RVI to have a large number of big spikey things pushed in her back (yuk) and she is a sleep on the settee full as a bug of extremely powerful painkillers, lets just say everything is crossed in the vain hope that something will help!

Work looks like being as busy as ever and I do think that at some point I need to get some adult company and not just the drones at work, it has bugged me that I missed the road trip to go and see Blue Coupe,but hopefully in the coming weeks we will start building bridges to play with the Tee Hee club on a regular basis.

I got an apology at the weekend (something I know will come back and bite me in the ass at some point) the wife thought she had lost the youngest's Christmas present (a Mcfly ticket) well after tearing the house to bits not once not twice but three times, it turns out we don't have them but they are in deed in safe hands, I will be brutally honest and say that the apology was totally out of the blue and not asked for (at some point I know I will pay for the indiscretion of not having said tickets) but it was gracefully accepted.

The writing has been half baked (a bit like this blog) some good stuff and not down in a bad way, but not polished either, but the end is nigh,  although I am enjoying the writing it's nowhere near as good as what I know I'm capable of, so at some point I really do need to knuckle down and get to grips with it and give myself a bloody good shake, if I don't I could end back on the Custard Creams and all the hallucinations that go with that particular dreamy beautiful biscuit (yum yum).

Hopefully this will suffice until I get back onto an even keel and have something witty to wax lyrical about, so until then I'm off to look after the wife, to make sure she gets well and yeah although I'm not a happy go lucky smiley type person at the moment I'm not ready to climb a tall building (with my fear of heights I get a nose bleed if I stand up) and hurl myself off (I had to be careful and not say toss myself off! I know that would have been just to close the knuckle hahaha me with my reputation)Me and the youngest are giving up chocolate for Lent (WTF did I agree to) so these could get interesting! this could into my heart of darkness period, until the next time Toodles!

Clock strikes ten

Ah Friday night, a realm of freedom from work (apart what I brought home to do) and a chance to catch up with the wife, I know I see her every night but Friday the youngest (still) goes to the Kraken's and we kind of bond....allegedly!

So I arrived home with big bag of work (ooops) and in a good humour, and I sat and chatted to peeps and as the youngest was getting ready I asked one simple question and it turned into a blood bath (WOW) first time ever, so I had to do my grumpy impression (and I'm good at doing that hahaha) and the message was received and fully understood and thankfully an even keel was returned, if that's what an innocent question does I might just have to try a hard one!

The wife soon returned and we settled down after we had something to eat, me with an exploding pasty and the wife to a meal (she cooked I was happy....ish) we settled down to in a comfortable groove to watch various programmes as we do and after an hour or two I blinked, now that's not to unusual but for some reason I don't seem to get it in the neck on a Friday night, and not only is that weird but the first time in ages I dreamt about loads of weird crap, instead of the usual crap.

We were standing waiting at a bus stop in a fantasy version of Wallsend (go with me on this one peeps this is definitely going down the rabbit hole)   when a bus turns up with Whitesnake on it, that's the band not David Coverdale he had his own magic carpet or some such device, being a gentleman I allowed the wife to get on first and then Doug Aldrich shut the doors and told the driver to drive on, as a joke! haha well I had the last laugh and I stormed off  in a right big huff in a direction the bus couldn't follow, that showed them, it was at this point I realised I was lost, but thankfully I then bumped into Carla Gugino (an actress in tons of stuff and no I have no idea why it was her and not somebody who is remotely famous) who unfortunately was upset by the fact she had lost her eyebrows (WTF!) so me being helpful we had a look but the undergrowth was way too thick she then took a strop and left me all alone (boy can she run when she is in a strop) .

As I sat next to a stream in a lightly wooded area (that seemed to be like an Italian wooded area ????) a marching band dressed like Italians at the turn of the century wound there way through the woods towards me and when they arrived at the river they shared their bread cheese and wine but because I'm not a lover of wine they magically discovered a bottle of Dandelion and Burdock pop (yippee) we sat and talked and they knew of a band of wandering minstrels who could help me on my quest (I have no idea when it had turned into a quest but it had) and these helpful chaps would assist me on my way, as I approached their van who steps out but only Robin Zander and the rest of the chaps from Cheap Trick, Bun.E wasn't wanting to help but the others did so we headed off on a cross country ride and its at this point it gets blurry as the wife (back in the real world the wife was poking me back to reality) I sat up was told to go shut off my computer,the one that had been running a virus check or something, that completed I headed up the stairs into a freshly changed bed and was soon back in the land of nod!

Cheap Trick though had disappeared and the rest of the dream was not as fulfilling as the first part which I can remember vividly, I do remember meeting back up with the family on a teacup going the opposite direction (?) but we were able to converse and I was happy to see that everybody was OK, the last memory was sitting on an English (it had that kind of feel) hill top over looking some beautiful countryside with a dog barking in the back ground and a woman walking towards me smiling, but the dog barking was getting louder and I realised it was Carla Gugino  and she was waving at me saying she had found her eyebrows and she wanted to say thank you, but that bloody dog is barking ........and I'm awake it's the old man of the house wanting to be out and the house has that silent feel that means it's time for me to shift my bone idle lazy ass downstairs and help him, so I'm awake and the kettle is boiling and I realised that I remember that I actually remember the first part of the dream, and for once it was a fairly pleasant one (not the recurring one I have been having for nearly thirty years that's decidedly unpleasant) and because today shall be a day of writing I thought lets blog first.

Now if anybody is silly enough to know what my dream was about then you are more mental than I am! it was just a dream OK a strange one, but what the hell that's what dreams are all about so enjoy your weekend, I know I intend to even without the adult company I crave, but the new book beckons and I have three weeks to complete another eight chapters before I chose what I want to publish and then I have to finish another Toodles book which is about ninety per cent done. play nice and try not to bite and hopefully I will be back here sooner than Carla Gugino can lose her eyebrows....Toodles!