It didn't get any better and the writing that I have done so far this week has to be some of the bleakest piles of bile I believe I have ever written not woe is me stuff just down right angry!
Angry about what I have no idea, but in the background something is bubbling away and I need to get it the hell away from me before I do or say something that I know for a fact I will regret, even at work where I am usually a happy go lucky type of guy (yeah me) certain people who have noticed Mr grumpy coming out to play have steered clear and one or two who know me by reputation have steered clear of me as it seems I'm giving out a vibe!
I will say that I'm unhappy and I have no idea about what, there's loads of stuff going on that could wind me up but in general I would disagree with myself straight away, I can not put my finger on it nobody has pissed me off (well no more than usual) my life choices are my life choices it's pointless after all this time, FFS just get on with it.
So I think the deal is I have to make myself happy I have to make my self like me, and after all this time I honestly have no idea on how to do that do, No I don't think that this a mid life crisis damn I'm way past mid life, I miss my friends! I miss being able to do what I want, when I want and by that I mean simply going for a walk or jumping on a bus and going out with my camera, moving back to Gimpsville stopped everything I know I am a person of simple taste, I do not need a lot of money to do something to cheer me up, but of late I go to work and come home, help look after Junior or the wife or whatever and I don't mind but what little joy is out there is slowly being squeezed out of me, I'm not interested in the Kraken's problems or the eldest's weekly trauma I don't care about looking after the hurricane, does this make me a bad person hell no I have spent the last 21 years putting everybody first first first! and I have no problem with that but I want some me time I need some me time all work and no play makes me a very dull boy!
My weight is really pissing me off and all the cunning plans in the world is not cutting the mustard in anyway shape or form I need exercise and to do that I need to get out of the house, and get out into the countryside like I used to do something rather than just Veg out I have the life of a sloth and I need to shake myself out of this lethargy, now this I have to do, for myself, nobody else, I need to get a bloody life, find a hobby anything, otherwise I will have wasted the last twenty plus years.
I'm not blaming anybody else I haven't taken a huff with anybody but me, I have realised sometimes just sometimes I have to do stuff for me and fuck everybody else! is this going to make me popular more than likely not and that is not the intention so as I jump off into the void I need my family's support otherwise I will settle into a world of sloth and basically I might as well shoot myself in the head and the truth of the matter is this boy is not for giving up, I'm going down swinging throwing as many punches as possible, I joke that I don't have long left I'm hoping for at least another 25 years (more if possible) and I don't see why I should waste it, I am not a prisoner I am not a number I am somebody who is killing himself working working working with little joy left in the remaining waking hours!
I have no intention of disappearing or growing my hair again (hahahaha) or even running off with a Russian mail order bride, you know the scheme, I just want to have a fruitful (and not in a gay way) life yeah me, watch this space the wife will have me back in my cell before you can blow a whistle. I need this as my writing (which in reality is my only hobby and that doesn't give me much physical exercise) is as stale as I imagine my twisted little life to be!
Hopefully this bile induced blog will have cleared the way for some more user friendly items,I feel as though I need this so badly, stuff the lottery win just some good friends (and I have some of the best) and some alone time, watch the skies and until then .....Toodles
Oh and by the way I have missed my publishing deadline hopefully the new book will be off to the publishers by Sunday (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha)
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