Just Another Day

OK so I have never been happy about Birthdays or Christmas since I was a kid for personal reasons and if you have been following blogs you will know the run up to this  birthday has been decidedly cack! I awoke after a night out that hopefully will fade from my memory like water .....why water I hear you ask well that's what I drank for 90% of the night (I'm a good boy I am) I'm even over the fact that wife left me standing on the corner like some late night hooker because she was still in the house when she was supposed to be picking me up hahahaha as a taxi service she won't get no tips from me(but because she drives so fast I was technically home before I left hahahaha), I arrived home cold and went straight to bed and no I wasn't in a huff (which was unusual) I was tired from having to wear the penguin suit but at least a cunning plan was hatched (watch this space).

I awoke refreshed and ready for breakfast (filthy little hobbit) and pottered on while the wife slept the sleep of the dead, when she finally arose from the grave dinner was already being prepared and my birthday was nearly over (thank god) we had a cunning plan in motion but the eldest (no surprise there then) had already poisoned the well (thanks for the wishes and the card ......NOT!) and I tried to take the wife's mind off it we had a meeting with the Tee Hee Club and we did not want to miss anything or anyone we had to  leave some stuff at somebody's flat but with that done we were ready for a quiet night (yeah right).

A was already there as well as other people in another part of the bar which had the potential to go haywire but thankfully didn't and J so wanted to be with us but I understood and at least we had a chance to chat, I received the best card ever from G & E which was Elvis wishing me a happy birthday, Oh bless this was going to be a bumpy ride and the night unfolded with much hilarity! a hug and a card from A and a super duper card from P & G who even though they didn't have to, bought me a last minute one and found a spoon (that looked like it was used by ten million junkies) in the street which made for a great present (I'm easily pleased) there ensued lots of hilarity (that may be saved for the book) and just a tad more drink, which as I type this at 6 in the morning after just five hours in bed I feel quite canny there was a new member for the Tee Hee club who didn't ask the rules but unknowingly followed the rules so he is now a member whether he likes it or not, he even missed his last metro so he is definitely up for member of the year all ready.

We missed the Buckets which could have a great present for my birthday but I think I haven't a better birthday since I was 7 it took 40 years to get there but hell it was worth the wait, we hatched a cunning plan that involves Fabio which I intend to tweak so as not to cause offence (me with my reputation) we drove home listening to Jeff Foxworthy (you might be a redneck) and I ate (I know I'm a pig) a full Terry's chocolate orange for supper (I'm a growing lad) and that is just about it a great birthday with my favourite people in the world which in reality will just be classed as practise to the mayhem we are planning for my 50th. so until later Toodles!

Oh and as I preview this blog the site must be based somewhere to the west as it saying that I will have posted this on the 27th but in reality its the 28th this is the birthday that just keeps on giving hahahaha!

Angry old man

OK so its a play on a Styx title but I couldn't put "pissed off again" because that would give the game well and truly away, this has been a shit week for me and my beloved arguing over shit which probably means we were both shattered after a long weekend (see previous blog) and 3 long days of looking after the grandson and precious little sleep for her and major issues at work and little sleep for me! so put that in the mix and well I'm grumpy enough without having any added stroppiness and the wife well if you know her she can be a loon at the best of times (in the nicest possible way) so after a reasonably nice night (no cross words and sitting in the same room not boxing ring) we are awoke by the phone ringing and our eldest blackmailing her mother into babysitting on a day we said we couldn't, cue world war three and my blood pressure going through the roof and what a surprise it turns out its all my fault anyway the moral of this blog is drown all kids at birth bludgeon anybody who gets in your way because life is meant to get easier not harder and family is meant to pull together but all the wife's family seems to do is abuse her on a regular basis with blackmail and shouting and then it turns out to be all my fault anyway!

After 20 years together I love her more today as I did all those years ago but this is starting to really grind my gears and yes your right this might start off world war 4 but I'm greedy after 20 years I would like some time with my wife alone so we can enjoy each other's company with no interference from outside (arse-holes) interference. oops sorry that's my inside voice (as the wife would say)  I'm totally sick of all the in fighting I'm glad i don't live in the land of the fat because i would be buying a firearm and going on a (shopping) spree

Earlier we went to see Fish play in Newcastle and a good night was had by all and I had a fantastic blog all lined up, but events transpired against me and I didn't feel that I would be telling the whole truth if I had indeed posted that blog as rage was flowing through my veins as though I was about to turn into the hulk, thankfully I'm just a fat old man and not green and muscular, today I'm stressed because I have to go to a fancy do (which I don't really want to go but I painted my self into a corner and I cant extract myself from) and wear a penguin suit (the first and last time) I know the rest of the weekend will be wonderful but at the moment my hair is falling out and I just want to scream (like a loon ) at  the world so until the next happier time when the blog should be a work of art (hahahaha) Toodles

Yellow

We came we saw we sort of went with the flow .....the first of the road trips done and it was more damp squib then a dynamite weekend the people were great it just wasn't destined to be the weekend that we thought it might be but then nothing ever lives up to the hype not even these blogs.

As always G wasn't the messiah he was a very naughty boy, we also did lots of walking well I didn't I limped from point to point we had a wander we had a nosebag and we had some drinkie poo's (no surprise there then) we survived the great flood a little bit of time travel and were surprised by the quiz we did on the way, there were sheep, cattle, caravans and all things in the colour of yellow(yes we did indeed as usual get out of hand) there was an ejaculation problem (of the doughnut kind) and no Beiber was allowed,  we broke every rule in the space time continuim just to prove that we could.

There was flatulence, hand bags and shops that only took cash, there was abuse (of the credit card kind) and little pubs that were open and pubs that weren't open, we were disappointed by a few things such as the kids (musical appetite) and how grubby a grand old lady had become, there was carbuncles and metal monstrosities, but the weather was nice and the company better, we had good news we had bad news, we had a nervous breakdown and a burnout with a DB 9, we nearly had a fire and endured  being shouted at from a great distance away.

We didn't forget potatoes or the Swedish ones although we never got a reply from them, we saw churches and I kicked off and was a hooligan (well I wore my hat at a jaunty angle) because nobody tells me what to do (hahahahahaha) we ate sweeties, but didn't play on the beach, we rang a bell and did some street magic, checked fire extinguishers and generally had a good time does this make sense to the vast majority of people reading this probably not but you will if you're  interested enough to purchase a copy of my new book as the chapter that this blog pertains too will be called W T F (the Ritalin Generation).

So tomorrow is a new day me and the Mrs are of to see the Frog on the Tyne support Fish in Newcastle the game plan is back on track off to do loads of catching up (task wise) and then hey ho off to work so until the next time Toodles

Walks with broken hoop: A spanner in the works

Walks with broken hoop: A spanner in the works: I didn't really expect any better me and the wife have been gearing up all week to head off to Blackpool and the mother in law has kept a lo...

A spanner in the works

I didn't really expect any better me and the wife have been gearing up all week to head off to Blackpool and the mother in law has kept a low profile ....until today the eve of the trip and now she has gone in to ****** mode with a million tasks for the wife and only a small window of time to do everything in ,me saying that she is vindictive and intends to make the few hours before we go away miserable I would never say that..... oops wait I just have I don't understand, some people are just not happy unless everybody around them is totally miserable but hey ho I digress.

Yes I endured many death threats because of the last blog but I'm sorry the  need for fresh material for the next book( and at just over 3000 words i think its a pleasant little ditty) outweighed all the abuse thrown my way the worst abuse came from the wife and it got worse when I said she could read all that I had wrote, but i wasn't to be swayed, work came back to bite me in the ass with a vengeance and to be honest (me with my reputation) i have been too worn out with that to do any writing at all but hopefully with the coming weekend I hope to have a number of witty tales to put down onto paper so to speak, there was even the possibility of the return of the dashing blonde pirate but for that you will have to wait for with baited breath.

I have done a number of good deeds for people this week and it still feels like i have crapped in somebody's teapot i really must have been Attila the Hun in a previous life because no matter how much I help people the shit just rains down from above will it beat me of course not but for once just once a little bit of good luck would be beneficial lottery win full head of hair wake up and weigh 11 stone once again would be nice.....actually I don't think I could arsed with all the hassle that comes with hair these days..... any hoo enough for now I am alive and well and have many cunning plots ahead of me so until next time TOODLES !

A night in a bordello (all quiet on the western front)

oh dear where to start , where to go , and how to finish.... we had been planning this for months and it ended up like a botched CIA operation only in the execution of our travel plans, i had it down to the last minute and after several hours of farcebook the wife swings into action and as usual  runs into last minute hiccups like getting dressed putting shoes on you know the ones but we made it to the bus stop with 60 seconds too spare and lo and behold it was my favourite bus driver (see previous blog) we chilled we calmed down , well until i called the wife Ma Clampett (can't really see the issue there) we arrived on time and limped towards our first pub and that's where it all started going wrong for me from that point on i had a number of people talk to me with regards blogging and I feel that i painted myself into a corner with all my bullshit, there will be a few annoyed boys and girls in the morning because i ain't gonna give all the details away in this blog these are meant to be short and sweet(ish) a mere taster and to be honest to do it justice i want to sit down and give at least 2000 words lets just say there was mention of shrapnel , gout, Potatoes and other things to do with hobbits Led Zeppelin was slagged off much too my delight and the wife had (for once ) a really good time all in all some cunning plans and some offers of help and just a little chat about the FBI red necks and wine sniffing if you want to see the full version wait until the new book comes out (soon) although i was immobile for most of the evening i still had a great time and talked bullshit (because I'm good at it) for most of the evening so until the next time Toodles .....there really will be death threats after this one ......oh and if your interested in the new book the title for the chapter about tonight will be called the bay of pigs ....go figure!

Its all about control

Fecking awful that's a great way to start the week but that's exactly how it started and continued to roll that way (so far of course) work has been surprisingly busy but acceptable Monday morning was cold very cold especially standing waiting for your lift, who actually turned on time (praise the lord) when I got to work it started at a gallop as opposed to a trot and I was bouncing about from side to side just trying to keep up (with my knees that's hard) so rather than go all the way to the other side of the centre for something to eat I thought I would pop into the nearest Greggs (there's about 40000 Greggs where I work) yes it was busy but how long does it take to serve a pasty? actually longer than you think I joined the queue and 16 minutes later (hey I was hungry and I didn't intend to walk the great wall of china just for a bloody sandwich) when did we become a nation of coffee bloody drinkers every person in front of me was ordering  coffee and lots of it in Greggs! If you want a coffee go to Starbucks or a million and one other coffee shops that have sprung up every where not a place that sells take out food you muppets I have to admit I spat my dummy out and (Limped) off in a huff and no before anybody says anything surely you were near the front there were still about 5 people in front all panicking that they wouldn't get their coffee grrrr !

Then yesterday morning I had to endure public transport, not an issue I'm quite happy to travel on the bus but it pisses me off when you get on the bus and ask a question and they look you as if you have two heads look if you hate the job that much quit, move on, bugger off everybody has shit days but please jog on life is shit enough without having to deal with people who aren't interested trust me I have been there I'm not a people person just a little hint don't work with the fecking public then.......
Then to make matters worse this morning the bus was a tad late I live quite close to the bus station it takes me even in my weakened condition about 3 minutes to walk there I usually like to get there a little early so that I don't have to run like a lunatic (cripple) for the bus there were a few others who are becoming regular faces as we travel the same time same bus 8 minutes after the allotted time and when the next bus is sitting waiting to pull in the first bus turns up and he didn't give a rats ass didn't care that people will miss connections, will be late for work, hey everybody gets caught short or has something crop up this guy went "so what" I wanted to pull him through his little glass window the horrible little shit!

But as it says in the title it's all about control otherwise I would have gone on a bloody killing spree, it could be that as I'm getting older I'm getting less tolerant (not sure how I can get any less tolerant) but watch out world because Mr angry is gearing up to tear you a new one until the next time Toodles!

New holes in old shoes

Damn and blast there I was getting all smug 7 chapters in on the new book when I decided to do a bit of proof reading that's were it all went wrong I did major rewrites on the first 6 chapters and ditched 7000 words on the last chapter because I just wasn't happy with what I had put down.
I realise now that I'm going stir crazy trying to over think things instead of going with the flow I need to take a step back and be calm there's plenty of time there isn't a deadline I can take as long as I want instead of being like a sexually active teenager, too many thoughts and cunning plans all in my head not enough time to do all of them and some of them are just plain crazy (that's why they appeal) it's time to concentrate on one idea and not to go off like a blunderbuss and scatter in every direction OK so here goes concentrate on first book plan and collate material for the next book keep these blogs short and sweet and hopefully everything should be just so sweet.
Its hard trying to keep all three things from over spilling as I don't want the material here (until I do a best of book.....see what I mean another cunning plan) and I want the material from both books to be kept separate so that I'm not just repeating myself once they are done i will take stock and take my time to do book number 4 which although is formulating i need these other 2 out of the way!
So that's were we are time to apply the brakes the next book should be ready after Christmas and then the third (which already has a spiffing title) will be ready for March/April of next year then and only then will I take my own sweet time with a release in time for next Christmas for book number 4, that's what's in my head lets see how we do deep breath time until the next time Toodles

Until It Sleeps

Not popular tonight had an incredibly busy time at work and had a little jaunt on a mission of mercy, which i have to admit crippled me, took me nearly an hour to do a 15 minute job came back and slept on the settee (ooops woke up with a lunatic glaring at me) down in the dumps with my knees not as good as i thought and then consequently down in the dumps eating to cheer myself up which lets be honest never works and strangely i cant seem to stop myself from doing it and usually its all the crap that's at the back of the cupboards not good for my knees to get better i need to lose weight to lose weight i have to be happy and to be happy i need my knees to get better its all a bit of a vicious circle and to be honest, and then to top it all off all i really want to do if I'm not eating is sleeping and that really makes me really popular ah well it could be worse i could have a lunatic glaring at me.......hang on a minute!