Kicking Up Dust

Kicking up dust.

Well I’m probably as fit as I’m going to be, I’ve had just over 260 minutes of sleep and I’m sat here hot to trot (I do believe I have some catching up to do) waiting for the world (well ok just The Tee Hee Club then) to get up and crack on. I’m sat at the window twenty five floors up watching the traffic flow and down the strip ooh I’m all excited I do believe the holiday (for me at least starts right here right now). I’m sat once again waiting for the man in the red Santa suit (no not SMOR) to pop down the chimney I intend to fill myself full of painkillers (always a good plan) and damn the consequences. The wife woke up and was happy to see me up and about and we stood watched the best sunrise I have ever seen this was a great omen I was happy and I liked it!

The sun itself rose so fast I thought I was in a vampire film but as it rose so did my emotions and I now understand why in the old days some people allegedly worshiped the sun as a god my heart was full as was I of drugs hahaha! We headed out and jumped on the monorail (the monorail...oops sorry my favourite Simpsons episode) we headed to the MGM Grand which as a hotel was OK and the rest rooms were a 5 out of 10, we ended up on the CSI experience (which the wife had wanted to do since ooooh 2009) we all did it as a little team which was just as well because the wife would have more competitive then the Russians at the height of the cold war! To say that she had a great time was an understatement we bought a few goodies as the youngest is just as obsessed as the wife is with all things CSI related. We moved on after a look at the shops and we were going to do the buffet for breakfast but for some reason (I will admit I wasn’t paying my full attention) it was a no go so headed to the Rainforest cafe where we were dealt with the surliest members of staff we encountered on the holiday (hence the smallest tip) G was getting ready to go atomic as we were directly in the path of a photographic display and when people were about to take a picture G went into spaz mode with his weird eye movement, I would love to see the peoples reaction when they see the table of people from the sunshine club in the background hahaha he was right though it couldn’t have busier if they had stuck us in the middle of the road on the strip! I should have had a fit then I could have sued them for the camera flash’s going off at this moment my stomach was still fragile so I didn’t overload it (I had the shrimp if you’re interested you’re not oh dear tough shit then!)But again it tasted bland and I didn’t really enjoy it the atmosphere soured it a tad but G went back into Kes mode (see previous chapters) so that got the juices flowing and we were a happy band yet again.

At this particular junction there was much talking about fajita’s, cheese and snorting and swooping was most definitely the order of the day (I suppose you had to be there not that I want to spill the beans but ladies honestly) we headed out and at this point I needed some new trainers I had gone with a pair of Asda special (cheap shite) and I didn’t want them to hinder the progress of the rest of the holiday the first shop I went into they might as well said “feck off” as they were very helpful it was like being back at work, fine I will take my English dollars with me you ungrateful whelps! As we wandered further we found a sports bar where we watched the last twenty minutes of the Newcastle vs. Arsenal match (which we jinxed) where we had a quick drink and G even managed to have his first (medicinal) shot of Jagermeister of the holiday! The match ended badly (boo hoo) and the prices weren’t the cheapest of the holiday either (double boo hoo) we left beaten but not distraught and as we rounded the corner we discovered a Footlocker where the guy got the quickest sale of his career and a free pair of Asda trainers! We did a few more casinos (and restrooms thankfully in an upright position) we decided to go off on a jolly jaunt to Cowtown Boots which although it had moved from its original location we thought (wrongly) that it was closer than it actually was, but we soldiered on and although at the first point of asking for directions (she wasn’t that nice was she Grrr) we were lied to and we headed back on that dusty road through derelict town and I regretted almost instantly that I hadn’t kept my old trainers as although the new ones were fantastic I’m used to cheap and nasty ones these should have been broken in and I had already skinned my heels and was running out of painkillers (and I couldn’t see any friendly drug dealers kicking up dust) for my knees we ventured on another 3000 miles (ok a slight exaggeration but only just) where the ladies yet again took the bull by the horns and asked at a Holiday Inn for directions and not only were we headed in the right direction the lady there told us to jump in to their minivan and she took us all the way there which was about a mile further down the road(now that’s what I call service and we weren’t even guests ha-ha only in America) now Cowtown boots was great and to be honest if I had been in a better frame of mind I probably would have spent some money, although the wife did get a lovely pair of boots and I was tempted to buy a cowboy hat (the original twat in a hat) but I didn’t as I have a head shaped like a peanut and I’m not sure how to get a hat that will actually fit, as they all perch on the top of my noggin!

After our spree we headed out back and jumped in a taxi that took us all the way back to the hotel I have to admit to being a tad nervous as the driver was struggling with the controls as though he was wrestling an alligator the others didn’t notice as they were in the back playing with the TV yes that’s right the TV! We chilled awhile then headed back downstairs to do a bit of gambling (well it would be rude not to) and a little drinking (it would be really rude not to)so we stayed close to home and roamed the floor looking for one cent machines(the last of the big gamblers we are !) like a herd of deer out on the Serengeti, and after a few hours doing this I wondered if anybody else was hungry and fancied something to eat, it was there that our problems really started as we could order any pizza at the hotels pizzeria long story short in the city that never sleeps on a Monday night he hotel pizzeria wanted to close at midnight let’s just say we took the pip and took our custom elsewhere but we couldn’t decide where  , we wandered up the strip and found it was the same at the next casino I don’t remember which I was hungry full of drink and in pain on the way back they wouldn’t hold the tram for me so I just get on walking I really did think I was back in Newcastle , we headed off to Walgreens got a couple of sandwiches and went to bed where I believe the other half of the team gambled a bit more and then G got his nuts stuck in a machine another long story which isn’t really suitable for the younger reader!

Fight the good fight!

Fight the good fight!

So we arose (and I wasn’t the last fecker up) and my tummy seemed (fingers crossed) fragile but better so we gathered the troops and headed out once more to catch a bus and head in the opposite direction to where we went yesterday. We had all slept well (apart from E who had spent the best part of the night looking for Kestrel eggs) and we were heading to the Stratosphere at the other end of the strip and the bus was busy with locals at this time of the day and not tourists, we ended up on the top deck and we got separated, so instead of chatting to my compatriots I people watched and listened to the local Patois! There was a couple of girls laughing and saying how it had kicked off at a house party the night before and some girl had brought a knife and was going to stab somebody but couldn’t find the person she wanted to stab and these girls didn’t know why she wanted to stab this other person so they were going to ask her at church today (WTF)! I also listened to the youth (about 15-16 I would say) sat next to me who was even at this time of the morning using all the tricks in his not inconsiderable arsenal to get in his girlfriends pants (boy have I led a sheltered life) the wife had to shout at me twice (well I am deaf you know) as we arrived at our destination.

I have to admit that the Stratosphere end of the strip was a little like home (sad and rundown) but we had a job to do and we were going to do it(gamble that is) we had a wander and it was ok and I didn’t feel the need to visit the rest rooms at all (result) we headed back out onto the strip again for a late breakfast early lunch and we ended up at IHOP which made the wife happy mind you the family (army) of Mexicans who demolished their table thankfully left because I think that E (with all mothering oops sorry I mean smothering instinct) was about to go out and buy a bat to settle their hash the noisy little blighters! (Cue much hissing!) at this point I was hungry and didn’t care I wanted a Philly cheese steak sandwich and was going to have one whatever the cost (at that moment in time I didn’t realise that I didn’t have my medication with me brave or stupid you decide?) but we ate and lived to tell the tale although I was a good boy and waited to make sure I wasn’t going to explode(which thankfully I didn’t) although I did try the rest room although at this point in time for the first time standing in this holiday!

We strolled in the heat back up the way we came and we found a small block of shops and a great off licence although we were good and didn’t buy anything, we had a bit more of a gamble (at Circus Circus I believe) and then wandered off up the road where we ended up at the Riviera which when we got in looked like a working men’s club on a Tuesday  afternoon (empty and desolate) I nearly got knocked on my ass by the bloody tumbleweeds and it really was sorry to see what was once a great hotel in a bad way( when I got home I googled it and the hotel is in administration  owing over $250 million mainly due to the collapse of the building industry as all the hotels around where pulled down with new ones to be built and they never were so consequently the pedestrian traffic has virtually dried up) we did a little gambling had a drink and moved on we ended up at the Wyn next and golly gosh jeepers this was wonderful they even had a huge singing frog in one of the restaurants  for the rich people we just stayed at the windows and gazed in again I googled the hotel and it is one of the top three hotels in the WORLD and I can believe it.

It was at this point I wandered off by myself and got a bit teary as I thought about my mum, I hadn’t meant to and if you have read the stuff I write I don’t normally do emotion (I blame the wife me for trying to get me to open up and be all touchy feely bleurgh)I was looking in the shop windows (one thing I did notice purely because I work primarily in the retail business how empty the shops were some staff and if you were lucky one bloody customer and this was in all of Las Vegas) and in amongst all this splendour was a shop selling Oscar de la Renta clothes and I just wished my mum could have been there again if you have read some of my earlier stuff my mum had it hard and again didn’t want for anything but she would have loved being here and the one thing she ever said that she wanted was a dress by Oscar de la Renta(which she never got and here was me standing outside one of his bloody shops), I just felt like I had been punched in the (already sore) stomach, when the wife caught up to me and saw being weepy I think she was more shocked than I was, it was over as soon as it had started but it caught me completely by surprise. But it was nice to have such good memories of her all we needed would be to have had the song Danny Boy play in the back ground and I would have been sprinting up the bloody strip!

As we wandered around and back towards the hotel a lot of people were actually staring (and why not) at my Buckets t-shirt one guy even fell off the kerb while trying to read it and not watching where he was going hey mister watch out that’s how accidents happen hahaha! E reckons that I should charge the buckets for all the free advertising (have a word with my business manager guys) although in all honesty I’m probably too much of a hippy to be that interested in materialistic thing (as I get beaten about the head and shoulders by my new business manager E) but in the city of t-shirts with many weird and wonderful slogans my buckets t-shirt is standing head and shoulders above them all, me and E might just call back to the Bellagio to see if we could get the Buckets a residency!

As the day was coming to a close and I had been such a good boy with regards my stomach and the requirement for rest rooms I split from the herd while they wanted to actually see the pirate show from outside the hotel as opposed to watching it at a height within our rooms, my knees had kicked in although if I’m honest (I’m telling you if I was a pet I would have put down about four years ago) they were sore from the get go but my Klack Valve issues had taken precedent, I went to the room while the wife went off in search of a sandwich but when she arrived back wind (not mine) had caused the cancellation of the noisy bloody pirates so we kicked back and chilled (and I wrote some notes for the day) and got ready for the next day of mystery and mayhem!

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel so low.

It’s at this point I (really) hate myself I feel as though I’m spoiling the holiday for everybody! I’m physically drained and have never felt so tired in all my bloody life, I have an arse that feels as though it’s been crossed with a baboon’s and fecking blood orange (too much? ..... sorry I feel like I can share hahahaha) My chest feels like I stepped into the ring with a certain Mr. Tyson and he played with my rib cage for 14 rounds then blew me down with a feather (at this point any fecker could) and then just to be sure I was given a hug off the hulk (ouch) I think the best thing at this point would be for me really just for me to get my coat (taxi for Me).

I know I have worked so hard for this holiday and me and the wife sold our souls so we could actually come and have some fun and I’m being all melodramatic and needy! The only thing I feel that I have contributed so far to the holiday is “FUCK ALL” and boy I feel so low I could crawl under a snakes belly with a top hat on (yes G a racing snakes belly).

I’m starving and I can’t eat anything, well I could but my stomach rejects it like an organ that hasn’t been sown in properly (don’t go there), I’m hoping that everybody is having a much better time and not saying “let’s just bury him out in the desert” behind my back, actually the wife could join the air force she is flying so bloody high and I know some of it is pure happiness mixed with a just a smidgen of caffeine. I am trying but if I’m honest if this was a horror film I would be the first one dead (or the actual killer being devious) or in a Star Trek episode I would be wearing the red top of the security detail (in other words dead as a fecking dodo) I really do feel as though I’m slowing everybody down and the raptors are going to pop out of the undergrowth and pick me off!

What is really killing me is that I’m the first one to bed and last one up its like the wife has date raped me (ha I wish) I wasn’t even awake as we left the hotel this morning, thankfully some people needed some of that black motivator stuff yeah that’s right coffee, so I managed to gather my (what few I had left) wits about me. We had decided to travel to the far end of the strip by bus. Now we Brits are used to public transport but some Yanks just aren’t (the ones with money) we don’t know how the Americans travel but we worked it out in the two steps it  takes to get on the bus from the pavement so we grabbed a place but  G and E still had their coffee so elected to wait until the next one, but the people who got on after us with a huge wedge of money didn’t understand a word of what was being said and judging by the accent they were from the same state as the bus driver  it just didn’t compute he had to say it twice and the couple looked at him as though he was describing how to build a nuclear reactor, finally some nice person (who had lost the will to live) pushed past and they saw how if the monkey did a certain thing they got a reward in their case a bloody bus ticket, so we travelled and enjoyed the jaunt and listened to the driver (he could teach the bus drivers back home a thing or two) he wasn’t particularly funny or anything just describing the route in a “good ole boy” accent and he kept saying (because the bus service was called the deuce) “rolling the deuce” everytime he pulled away from a stop. We jumped off at the last stop and waited (and waited) for G and E to turn up Americans aren’t really big on time tables (they don’t have the buggers) at one point a gardener turned up doing his bits and pieces with tonnes of shrubbery on the back of his little van we half expected our friends to be hanging on the back, we waited probably about twenty minutes and it was nice just to sit and chat, but my body by this time had woke up and was thinking how it could exact revenge, once we were a group again we went (in my case ran) towards Mandalay bay which was lovely (and definitely had the best restrooms of the holiday) the guy in the stall next to me wanted to know if I needed a doctor or the police because somebody had died in my stall! I thanked him for his concern but I had no organs to sell for to see a Dr in his country as I knew they would want to do a battery of tests for something that would get better on its own! Problem solved the wife handed me a bottle of water (which was drank in two gulps) and we headed to start the day properly (with a bit of gambling).

We now had a cunning plan and had a look around and then headed to the Luxor (I have no intention of reviewing every hotel we went into,( buy a rough guide book you cheap bastard!) where we decided to have a late breakfast early lunch, we had a look around the food court and me and the wife headed to Nathan’s for hotdogs and fries which were lovely and I kept mine inside my body for a grand total of three minutes, the restrooms in the Luxor are quite nice as well hahaha (this was really starting to drag me down) before we did some gambling this time I wanted cheering up and decided to buy myself a coat I had spotted something in a Harley Davison shop the day before and low and behold there was another one and because I was so low I wanted to do some “retail therapy” to cheer me up (me with my reputation) as it happens I had just about talked myself out of it when the chap said it’s reversible camouflage outside (at the moment) and black with the Harley logo on the inside “sod it” I was having it I don’t think I spent this much on clothes all of last year combined, I just wanted something nice I was in touch with my feminine side, while paying for it I needed my passport and the wife had buggered off and the girl said “what is she wearing and I will see if we can find her” I didn’t have a bloody clue my mind like my bowels were completely empty thankfully the wife wandered back into view just as the girl asked “do you want to wear the coat or have it wrapped” WTF it was 75 degrees outside do I want to wear it I politely said “no”  and our little merry band moved on and yes it did indeed cheer me up!

It was at this moment that I realised that there were indeed a lot of people wandering around in what we would consider winter clothing including scarf’s (dear lord) we are in Las Vegas people this place gets around eleven days of rain a years (I’m surprised we didn’t get seven of the bloody things) we had a bit more of a look around and just a little bit more gambling, but as we headed up the strip we called into a chemist for much needed supplies (finally the turning point of the holiday as at this point I stopped needing the medication but we had a barrel load on hand just in case) on the way past we stopped to have a look at the fountains at the Bellagio (sorry girls no George Clooney or Arm Pitt) and I had to chuckle as two men working in the pool in a rubber dingy came past waving to everybody as though they were stars (it’s like me running around at work with a fire extinguisher at work and expecting people to clap me ....Feck off losers) the display was lovely and afterwards we had a look inside and although it’s one of the more high end hotels the people with money are just as big a bunch of slobs as us common people, with them putting their feet up on the furniture at this point I just wanted to slap them (see I was starting to feel better) and the house keeping was decidedly sloppy as all of the skirting boards needed dusting hahaha!

We headed back on up the strip stopping again for food at this point I was past caring I was full of bravery (and Imodium) we still headed up the hill although I was Ok as I now knew the location of every restroom in a five mile radius, we made it back to the room with no further issues (hopefully) this was a good sign. It was at this point the wife became Tits McGee as I noticed she was hiding money in her bra (odd woman) we got ready as we were heading out to a club called Vamp’d where Brian Tichy’s band were playing and we had been added to the guest list (how good is that I can’t even do that in my hometown without the aid of SMOR) we jumped into a taxi and I have to admit I was a tad concerned as we were heading to a place that was basically a trading estate, but we were feeling brave we even had an opinion on American politics (the guy could have had a gun hahaha) the night took a strange turn as we got out of the taxi at the venue and the first thing we saw was a sign stating “No colours and no firearms” WTF it’s not the Wouldy then?

The club was small and compact and as always put English clubs to shame great sound system and doesn’t stink of urine and hey they don’t rob you like the fecking robbers den! We chilled and sat outside and we all people watched although if G had had a Swiss army knife he might have fixed the heaters for the staff hahaha we watched people pulling in on bikes it had a nice vibe and I spotted somebody in the back ground who I thought I knew but I didn’t but he does pop up in a later chapter (in a good way). The wife spotted someone who she thought was famous but we didn’t believe her (oh boy were we wrong) and then the band came on and I enjoyed them in a Led Zeppelin kind of way and Sass Jordan (look her up) is still as good a singer as she was twenty five years ago! It was at this point we realised that we should have brought some extra batteries (D’oh!) for the camera, so we shut it down to save what we needed and the wife used her phone, the show over we headed back stage to say thank you and to say goodbye (which was meant to be a quick goodbye) but we got into conversations and the wife was right and we were indeed introduced to Jake E Lee guitarist with Ozzy Osbourne back in the eighties, and he was fascinated by my Buckets t-shirt (as he should have been) we even got him to look them up on his I Phone on you tube, and when he asked the history of the band I was amazed he knew who Hellanbach were.

Again I didn’t want to be rude to Mr. Tichy for getting us in but we also had left our friends (who although thought the gig ok weren’t bothered about meeting more rock stars) I finally dragged her out as we again said farewell and thank you! Thankfully G and E were OK and said we needn’t apologise (but we is nice people hahaha) we sat and waited for our Taxi on the way back the more attentive of us (not me) noticed the time was off (the clocks had gone forward) we got in our rooms and said goodnight only to hear knocking at the adjoining doors which was G confirming that the feckers had indeed stolen an hour of our holiday he actually was ranting and calling them all “dirty Mackums” it was at this point G found Three Kestrel eggs (see previous chapter) and he was overjoyed E wasn’t (ok so they were three blue speckled jelly beans) but we did have just a little drinkie poos we again said our goodnights leaving E to deal with G in full flow saying that he was going to “take care” and hatch the eggs it was only the next morning we found out that E had virtually stripped the bed looking for the offending ”eggs” so not to roll over and squash one (hahaha) only to be told by G that after all her hard work they were safe and sound inside his belly, damn I wish I had been a fly on the wall in their room that night, but plans had been made and I was back in the land of nod but the corner had been turned and although I was still ill and was even when I went back to work (I think that’s what the cold sweats were) it was time for The Tee Hee Club to show what we were made of bring it on ......oh Yeah!

Caffeine Bomb

Caffeine Bomb.

I awoke a stranger in a strange land and for just a second I really didn’t have a clue where the hell I was and then everything swung back into focus and yes I still felt like hammered shite but there was something strange floating in the room and although for just a second I thought I was in a Harry Potter movie with Voldemort floating over me, when in reality it was the wife fussing about (this didn’t feel good) she was wired like a speed freak looking for a fix she had barely slept and had taken it upon herself to go for a wander about Las Vegas by herself and had decide to call into Starbucks for a coffee (oh shit) she had wanted to get a phone card so she could phone home,(E T) but even in my state I could see she was heading towards the stratosphere (and I’m not talking about the bloody hotel) what with me being poorly and the Kraken out of sorts this wasn’t the start we were hoping for!

Now the wife is the tech person in our house I struggle with pen and paper (you don’t say) and everytime we had been in the states she knows what she is doing with phone cards and the like, so it didn’t look good when she was cursing at the woman on the phone who was giving instructions in Spanish (oops!) thankfully it was an automated system otherwise the thought of local law enforcement kicking in the door to take out the mad woman was not a pleasing one. She finally decided to go another route but not before heading down to reception to see if they could help but we did get the internet sorted out (for free as well take note UK Hotels ya bunch of robbing....continued at rant.com).

Then we were conversing with the youngest via farcebook it wasn’t the best solution but it was better than nothing, and we even tried to sort out the video conferencing thingy majig .....Nope that wasn’t going to do it and neither did Skype well ok maybe the wife is the tech person of the family when she isn’t flying at 70000 feet! The whole up shot was that technology sucks and for once it wasn’t me that was at fault (well maybe I was but with being ill I took no bloody notice) we heard a knock at the adjoining room door as the other half of the team where hot to trot off for breakfast (please let me be able to eat something) we had a cunning plan and we headed back out onto the strip trying not very successfully to keep the wife away from those pesky Mexicans who seemed as if they had been there all bloody night!

We had decided upon Hash Hash a go go which sounded great and we took our time to amble up the strip looking at the local sights in daylight it was much easier to take it in that and the eight hours sleep I had had. On the way up I went into people watching mode and was amazed at the amount of tattoo’s and of how many were either of a religious significance or they had the bloody tree of life on their arms this was going to be a tad interesting, upon arrival the queue was out the door and we booked a table and were told to come back in twenty or so minutes so we headed back downstairs to have a little flutter which was to begin with a little surreal at no times did the casino’s actually have any down time at no point did they ever appear to have a lull there was always a multitude of people feeding the machines not that we minded because we intended to join them on a regular basis over the next seven days!

We headed back to the restaurant where Mark our server showed us to our tables it was as we were being led to our table that I noticed that the portions were of a gargantuan size (oh shit)  it was at this point that E mentioned that the place had been on the TV programme Man Vs. Food (double oh shit) so we looked interested and again I wanted to partake as this is what I love about America so I looked blankly at the menu not being able to focus at all and finally when it was my turn to choose I just blindly picked that please (pork and mash) when in reality what I should have done is just had a side of bacon and eggs, my mind was in shutdown mode and my guts were about to go on strike, the food turned up and I went into immediate shock  I didn’t stand a cat in hells chance and I knew before I pulled my sharp knife like Excalibur from the half a pig on my plate, everybody knew I was struggling just to sit in the bloody restaurant but I manned up and attempted to digest it (fool) I probably managed about eight mouthfuls (my biggest regret of the holiday food wise because it was lovely) it was smothered in a sauce that was so rich I knew that if ate any of it I might as well just scrap my plate down the toilet , what I had was lovely but it was way too early in the holiday for me to even think about attempting such a feast I was saying as many prayers as possible to as many gods that I could think of for this not to be the shape of things to come!

Everybody finished theirs including the wife and her biggest pancake in the world with a cup of strong coffee to follow……and it did follow well actually more like lead the charge! actually that’s not strictly true G under strict orders from E had to attempt the half of Ostrich that E couldn’t finish, which he did bless his cotton little socks. We then attacked the nearest casinos in our game plan and slowly had a pleasant day with a small flutter here and there, we eventually headed back to regroup and replan (and for me to rest my weary bones) when those bloody pirates and there shenanigans kicked off again we were ready this time although I had headed back to the tub for another long soak to rest my knees and my ribs that were suffering from all the puking on the plane. After a short respite we gathered our reserves it was at this moment G revealed he had the body of a racing snake to say we were all stunned was an understatement. Once we had all recovered from that little outburst and headed back to more casinos than you could shake a stick at, by this time I was really hungry so we split our forces and while the seasoned gamblers went off one way we decided to go with the safest food known to humans (McDonalds) and although I enjoyed the meal it didn’t stay inside me long but at least I had managed to eat the bloody thing ( I felt as though I was being sponsored by Imodium) the others turned up to recue us and we enjoyed an evening of gambling and me dutifully knowing how to plot a course to any restroom that was in the buildings we were in!

The evening progressed and I was a good boy I didn’t drink anything other than water (damn and blast) but G was doing what I had wished to be doing, having a blast and only getting told off every three minutes instead of every other minute he soon had a jug of beer (it comes in jugs!....no really don’t go there) and we ended up as far as we wanted to the wife was starting to growl at the exotic (that means bored) dancers so we steered a course to some Bandits and set her away and although we never won big we usually covered our outgoings and we ambled through the casino ending up by a Chinese restaurant and E had won big so we weren’t going anywhere until she had lost it all (ever the optimist) at this point the world got surreal and moved sideways G headed off to the restroom and while stood at the cubicle doing what chaps do an American asked him if he had  had a great day now unfortunately that’s not what G heard he thought the guy had said “Craig David” (WTF) to which G replied with his arm held aloft “aye kes is a canny bird c’mon” now I’m not sure that many Americans know who the hell the character Bo Selecta is but G came back in stitches  and when he told us I thought I was going to have a bloody stroke E was going to use G’s jug to refill but not with beer and the wife was also in hysterics! now written down its simply not as hilarious but ask G when he’s had a drink to re run through the story where he does all the actions and you will literally laugh your socks off , we finally regained some composure when from the restaurant there came a bellow “Reservation for G table for one” E couldn’t lose the money quick enough we had to get the hell out of dodge and quickly we made our way back down the strip dodging all the Mexicans and there dodgy cards I was amazed how much like Blackpool this place is but if I was honest I know exactly which one I would rather visit. We got back in one piece and with cunning plans in our heads we all headed off to hit the hay, although the day had stated poorly (for me at least) we were getting our sea legs so to speak as Ozzy Osbourne always says “let the madness begin” we intend to do our best to fulfil our obligations to the contract hahahaha.

The return of Mr Creosote!

The Return of Mr. Creosote!

The hotel was well and truly silent when we woke from deep slumbers, the wife looked better but my sleep had been disturbed by dreams of work related items with everybody singing Bruno Mars songs instead of talking (WTF) I felt that I was fighting off the unwanted advances of the bloody Jalapeño from yesterday (in reality it had bugger all to do with the bloody pepper but the wife’s walking dead disease) there was something quite not right with me (go figure) and I couldn’t quite put my finger on the disease of the day. I sat around like an expectant father waiting for his first born everything packed and hot to trot for the main event.

We arrived quite quickly and got checked in quite painlessly our bags were well within the weight limits, I still had a rumbly in my tummy I was putting it down to excitement, but it was starting to nag and get louder and louder (maybe I’m just hungry we still hadn’t had our first breakfast’s filthy little hobbits) we go through the security point and I’m the only one not asked to remove my shoes (maybe the reputation of my feet go before me like a pungent odour hahaha) maybe I just look trustworthy (no comments please). We got through and then received a phone call from the youngest that the Kraken had indeed gone down with galloping gut rot and a doctor was required (it turns out that it was gastric flu, it’s not infectious is it?) I wandered into WHSmiths and bought a music related magazine and came out to see the wife looking worried but determined the youngest was stepping up to the plate (bless her cotton little socks) and we wandered through several shops looking at items (me and the wife had no intention of buying) but I was hungry as was everybody else we dodged a man with a strange moustache who was trying to sell us a raffle ticket for an Aston Martin (yeah right of course it’s not fixed)  E had a fit because G was being a tad flitty but we all calmed down and headed for Burger King (yum yum) where I let the wife decide what was required so we didn’t have a repeat of The rail station when we went to see Motley Crue, it turned up and although it was devoured I still felt decidedly off, now with being cack for the last 10 months or so I wasn’t intending to spoil the flight/holiday if I could help it (guess what yeah your right I couldn’t) we headed back to the shops just to waste some time and as we headed to the gate  the wife decided to ask some passing policemen if their weapons were heavy (don’t ask) we had been at the gate for about two minutes when all of a sudden there was a security alert and yes you guessed it the whole world went into total spaz mode now I have to admit it was the least organised evacuation drill I have ever seen with staff who didn’t know what they were doing with no direction or instruction, staff asking other staff what the hell was going on let’s just say if they were my staff I would be ripping through them like a headless horseman with a bloody big sword chopping at the idiots who actually were fighting because they didn’t know what the hell they were supposed to be doing. On a scale of one to ten they would get absolutely nothing well ok maybe about another 12 drills until they got it right, because on that viewing the staff at Manchester airport are Shite! mind you that is only my professional opinion, I was tempted to write to them and say how bad it was but I’m sure they didn’t want to hear my constructive criticism, we were then allowed back to the gate only to be told that the alert wasn’t over and they moved us on again only to be sent back for the third time (Grrr!).

At this moment in time I really did need the little boy’s room and as I rushed there the feeling disappeared just as fast as it had come. I washed to make myself a little fresher and I did indeed feel a whole lot better, false alarm over we headed to Boots the Chemists to get some supplies I was a tad nervous even though I felt that much better I had a nagging feeling dripping seeds of doubt into my head! Back at the gate we sat and waited and then from out of nowhere it hit me like a bucket of water being thrown over me and I was as sick as a dog that’s just ate a five day old dead rat, the wife was concerned I was so crappy I didn’t want to be touched (warning it’s going to get a tad graphic in a bit) I decided to head back to the ablutions and I got there just in time as whatever was inside me decided to erupt like a bloody volcano, and I just got in position and sat when what seemed like every drop of fluid had passed through me, like Harry Potter had waved a magic wand I felt like a million dollars after the eruption so I did all the right things I even washed my hands twice (I didn’t want to give anybody what I had) but thankfully I had colour back in my cheeks I guzzled a bottle of water so I had at least some fluids in me then and we finally boarded and got our seats we were finally on our way nothing could go wrong now (SHUT THE FECK YOU BLOODY MUPPET!!!).

About an hour in and I’m sat watching the little pirates island on the onboard flight map on the screen I had no intention of watching any films I intend to go over my notes and see if I could get a rough semblance of order for the chapters that I hadn’t wrote, the crew came round with our complimentary drinks(lemonade for me please and some funny looks from G), we settled back as they brought the in flight meal (bangers and mash lovely I could eat a scabby horse) and after three tiny bites (I was being extremely careful) I realised I wasn’t better at all and if I ate anymore I would suffer big style (too late) I put the meal to one side and after it was collected in I headed for the smallest room on the plane for round two but this time I erupted from both ends with a lot more force than the original attack it was back with a vengeance and this time it intended not to take any prisoners. After about half an hour mainly cleaning the bathroom I couldn’t leave it for anybody else to tidy up and a small episode three I staggered back to my seat as though Mike Tyson had been having a work out on my ribs and let’s not just go anywhere near the pain in my lower regions, I did feel better but now all I wanted to do was sleep and that’s exactly what I did with the wife taking very good care of me for the rest of the journey even though I had another episode about an hour later my tee hee club t-shirt looked like I had been using it as a dish cloth in a fast food restaurant! I was a tad unhappy at this point (the curse of the Kraken had hit me hard), I then slept for the next three and a half hours but in reality all I wanted to do was lie down and stretch out (but I was realistic and knew this was never going to happen).

So I soldiered on I didn’t really care this was my first proper holiday in five years and as I said death was really only going to be the thing to stop this bloody holiday, thankfully the Tee Hee club are like the Marines they don’t leave anybody behind! I love America I love the People (even the fecking rednecks) I love the culture and I have always loved a lot of American music; my only concern was to get through customs. Customs wasn’t as bad as I had expected even though I was wearing puke splattered clothing those wonderful people still let me in it actually only took about an hour, they let me through only to punish me with the Disco King for a taxi driver. We arrived outside into a lovely warm (winter for them ) breeze and we soon found a taxi that would take us all and our bags and as I melted into the back of the cab the driver decided to play ABBA and the bloody Bee Gees at full tilt I nearly strangled the tosser with his own seat belt (actually I was feeling a tad frazzled he was canny enough but I just wanted to have a bath and climb into bed) we turned up at the hotel (Treasure Island) booked in and I signed something actually it could have been the deeds of the house I have no idea at all just let me get to my room, the nice lady with the assistance of the others got us a lovely room with a view of the strip with adjoining rooms (do they not know who the hell we are hahahaha) as soon as I was in I ran a lovely deep bath and washed all the funk off me and although I still felt like shite, I felt a million times better than I had on the plane, I crawled onto the bloody big soft bed and was just dozing off when a bloody boat load of pirates rocked up outside our room and kicked some serious amounts of ass with more ordinance than a bloody Kiss concert!

Feeling better and a little bit better that the adventure was upon us and I had to up my game so not to spoil (anymore than I had already) the holiday we were all hungry so we headed out onto the strip and within minutes I was trying to stop the wife from killing 90% of the Mexican population of Las Vegas who were flicking and trying to palm off cards showing “Nice Ladies”  I wasn’t interested in anything at all at that moment in time I was hungry and I was tired, to be brutally honest it was a visual overload for this tired little camper and we ended up in Denny’s for a meal, now Denny’s is cheap and cheerful it does what it says on the box and I was grateful of having something in my stomach and thankfully it didn’t wish to escape! We had a short jaunt but the others took pity on me and we headed back to our rooms where I climbed in as quickly as possible and was asleep before the wife could ask me if I was OK ZZZZZZZZZZ!

Mystery Train

Mystery Train.

And so it came to pass that with the coming of the dawn the day had finally arrived for the mother of all road trips were we ready hell no but that wasn’t going to stop us.....although several things did try to conspire against us!

I woke with cramp in both of my legs and to the delicate sound of the wife throwing her guts up (oh deep joy) everybody had suffered (except me) but thankfully it was the tail end of the hurricane we gathered ourselves and yes I did one or two work related emails (I had to leave one or two messages and jobs to upset certain people) we checked and rechecked everything to make sure that no stone was left unturned and all the items that we had to take with us (kitchen sink, thermo nuclear device...Husband) was all present and correct, well ok I was present but I’m not sure if I was correct! I still felt like hammered shit, but better than I had done in many months nothing could go wrong now (oh shut up you Muppet), the Kraken arrived and put us through our paces and wished us a good holiday (Pinocchio) we jumped into the taxi and finally we were off.

The drive down was pleasant and although we ran into some roadwork’s we still arrived in plenty of time, on the way down between small talk we listened to the radio and although I hate most music today but I find some of the hypocrisy that has been handed out over the years rather silly songs like Relax, Roxanne too name but two which allegedly deals with what  can be construed as be rude or even offensive but in a twenty minute taxi ride we heard Ed Sheeran sing his song the A Team all about going out and selling your body for a couple of grams, funny how times change a great song but the content twenty years ago would have had him burnt at the stake! we still didn’t beat our co conspirators to the designated meeting place but we had plenty of time to head to the right platform and wait several years before we were allowed on the bloody train, while we waited the ladies decided to go and get food supplies while the gentlemen looked after the cases the wife decided to be cruel, she came back with a chicken sandwich with Jalapeño’s on, normally she doesn’t like me to have “spicy” food but she was being nice (uh oh) and although the sandwich was nice it actually brought tears to my eyes that’s how much me and my girly taste buds suffered. G started early and was soon getting abused for wearing a Gregg’s bag as a beard cover!

We finally got settled only for some arse to get on at Durham and to be playing episodes of futurama at full tilt (count to three please don’t get arrested before you get on the plane for murder) thankfully they were only on for one stop, I thought the ladies were going to show him the outside of the train at speed, once the dingbats had got off we soon settled into a natural rhythm of silliness and banter, I was still receiving an inordinate amount of grief everytime I took out the little black book (it wasn’t always about what was happening at that moment in time it usually was about something that wandered back into my skull) E couldn’t work out what was triggering me to write stuff down (and as I read back through my scribbled notes neither could I) as we pulled into York we soon had the rest of the Chinese nation on board as they must have known G was with us or maybe they just wanted his ten dollar (hey sailor) at this point I was trying to get some sleep but the habit of announcing every station over the tannoy was starting to get annoying, on top of that the Jalapeño simply wouldn’t go away so we arrived in Leeds for me to find the train filling up and a corpse sitting next to me!

Everybody except me was wearing the t-shirts that E had got us(which looked fab!) I had elected not to wear mine as I knew that at some point there would be food involved and with my reputation for slopping was at the forefront of my mind so I opted to be a good boy (oh how little did I know) I have to admit I as always enjoyed the trip to Manchester looking at the old stone built buildings and the countryside well I say I enjoyed it right until the conversation took a left turn with regards a certain Nikki Sixx and how a certain person (oh alright it was E is nothing sacred) thought that he had got a little “podgy” around the middle so she might just have to “transfer her feelings of lust” her words not mine to his son who thankfully we discovered is out of his teenage years (me and G were wondering if we should tip off the FBI).

We arrived at the hotel without much further incident and the staff were pleasant (if you’re not pleasant at a five star hotel why work there) but as usual in the UK a bunch of robbing bastards for the internet facilities it was £15 a day let’s see how our American cousins do! I was still a little concerned for the wife although the good company was lifting her spirits she still wasn’t operating at 100% but bless her she was giving it everything she could, we got an emergency call from our youngest who had had an issue on the bus (the bunch of robbing bastards) in which she had to pay full fare I was so glad I had given her an emergency fund in case of such a thing happening (see I can plan ahead) and in the background from the Kraken which I was praying wasn’t going to turn into the shape of things to come she did indeed sound ill and seemed to be coming down with what the wife had been suffering with, as she hung up I reminded her nothing short of death was stopping us going (or rather her).

We decided to kill some time with a reconnaissance trip to airport and we arranged a lift with the hotel’s mini bus but in the excitement to get going I climbed like a mountain goat over the top of the seat, G was kind enough to point out exactly how to move the seat (D’oh!) well he should know by now I’m a dumbass and I don’t do technology! Upon arrival we discovered that there was a Spar in the airport which was good as we had no intention of paying £7 for a crap sandwich in the hotel, we also had no intention of staying for breakfast either (how much you dandy highway man) we headed back to kick back and chill in the hotel and we said or good nights and I broke out the IPod so I could  listen to some more Jeff Foxworthy about how I might be a redneck see I do like the redneck way of life it’s just the narrow-mindedness of the few that amaze me.

We are both lying here waiting to drift off into the fields of sleep and dreams and wait for the new day one full of positivity and with some luck the wife’s batteries will be recharged enough for her to enjoy the start (proper) of our holiday........oh how little did I know!

Rain on the scarecrow

Rain on the scarecrow.

I have to be careful now as people (the wife) are getting suspicious that I seem to be doing a little bit more writing of late oops don’t want to give the game away, anyway onwards and well if I’m honest sideways!

Whatever you do please don’t mention the R word!

A late night after such a heavy day was a bad move but with Junior having so much problem getting to sleep it really wasn’t much of an option, but I went over relatively quickly and I was aware of both of my alarms going off but I blinked again and again I was scrambling to be ready for my lift, who was in retarded mode from the second I got in the car (bless him) I have some assistants at work now and I’m trying to do some tough love with them to see how they react nothing heavy I just want to see how they think, but if they don’t and just plod on they ain’t the person for the job, anyway my lift didn’t want to do what I asked him, so I have to admit (I was tired) that I would drag his body out into an open field and leave it there I had no intention of burying it, I told him if I wanted his input I would ask for it and for him to wind his neck in, well as usual he was so blinkered he tried to again get his point across, I was so mad I asked him to stop the car so I could kick in the seat of his pants without the possibility of me causing a crash, when he realised that I was deadly serious he shut up and the rest of the journey was suffered in silence I got out of the car at the other end and stomped off in a right foul mood(did I tell you that I was tired) I then raged like Attila the Hun for the next two hours ragging people who weren’t doing their jobs and basically being a twat, the word soon got round like a signal being sent around by jungle drums.

I got to the control room just as a contractor was being abusive to one of the lads, I have to admit to being a tad impolite and when he realised that the lunatic in front of him ( yes I wasn’t standing behind the bullet proof glass this time) was his only hope of actually being allowed to work on site today he calmed (I wish I could of) down and he actually apologised thankfully as I was about to crash and burn, I settled down to start reading all the stuff I had to do and the hour was up as soon as it had started, and if I’m honest I have no recollection of it. Today was going to be my second day of hell but at least I could stay in the office and crack on doing all the paperwork I had to do. The audit started virtually straight away although I was left to my own devices ( I wondered if word of my stroppiness had got around) and pretty soon I was again lost in lots of work that probably would have took our temp half the time it took me but I was tired and I was really struggling to focus, the auditor went for a jolly jaunt around site so I decided to go see the wife who was on site having her hair done (thanks Mo) and a friendly face was enough to perk me up and give a second wind (and not of the flatulence kind) I grabbed a sandwich and headed back to my office but I noticed everybody kept their distance from Mr. Angry, I wasn’t bothered at this point most of the nuggets think they should get paid no matter how retarded they act.

Break over the audit came into the big office and I sat at the back getting on with my work until it was my time to see the Spanish inquisition, what I didn’t realise was that everytime a question was asked I answered (silently) the question, telling the answer the way it should be told, (I wasn’t even aware of the fact that I was even doing this) just one word answers, try not to give too much away that’s the game, after the auditor took me to one side and said I had cheered him up as he was actually watching me and waiting for my answers rather than the ones being proffered by the person the questions were being targeted, consequently when a good 40 % of the audit was supposed to be directed at me and the work I do, I actually got asked two questions (result) at this point my lift turned up to apologise (by this time I was shattered so I didn’t really care) for being a tit and I bet you a pound to a penny he still doesn’t know what he did wrong he just knows that he upset the one person that has his back and who can dictate the amount of work that heads his way.  The audit for me was over (just like the war) I turned to completing the work that I wouldn’t be able to do over the next ten days and again I was soon lost in the work, it wasn’t until after five that I realised how tired I was and the fact that there was a lot of happiness in the rooms around me that it was time for me to get the hell out of dodge, not before I had a hissy fit because I thought I had lost my mobile(that will be the one charging in the socket you Muppet) the wife told me that she was nearly there, with Junior in tow so we could take him home early as the eldest wasn’t well, we were quite giddy as we walked back up the hill to the car because it meant that the holiday was drawing ever closer.

On the way home I offered a Chinese meal as a treat (gratefully accepted) and I was soon blinking on the settee full of prawns and pineapple, then it was time to go and get the youngest from college I sat in the car quiet and for a change I wasn’t thinking about a dozen things that I had to the next day at work! so I was probably just a tad too quiet and the wife was a bit concerned, but in reality I soon pulled myself out of my little rut and we arrived in Gateshead to the sounds of ELO as the rain started to fall and at this point I felt like a scarecrow (did I need to go and see the wizard of Oz probably because I felt I was losing all my stuffing) our youngest (blind long story don’t ask) daughter jumped in the car and halfway back the IPod shuffle hit some Jeff Foxworthy the American comedian who highlights the Redneck way of life (didn’t I tell you not to mention the R word) and I do have to admit to having a chuckle all the way home.

The rest of the night was spent writing this and eating jelly babies (no I’m not pregnant) and fine tuning it as this will probably be the last time during the holiday I get to write up the day as it happens from here on in its my little black book of notes and hopefully my brain cells remember why I scribbled at the time of doing what I did. It now starts to get interesting the mother of all road trips starts here and now.......

Oh and please don’t mention the R word.

Aint Dead Yet!

Ain’t dead yet!

Sleep hadn’t been the answer (although I did sleep) I was wide awake before my the first of my alarms had went off at 4.20 I was running through the chain of events that had the potential to unfold as the day went on, and I was trying make sure that I had indeed covered all the bases, it was what it was I had no option but to crack on.

Now I am aware that at the moment I seem to be coming across as a whinging git and to be honest yes I probably am! That’s not the intention but it’s where I seem to be heading. I love the job I do, but because I intend to finish for March 31^st (hahaha oops sorry reality keeps trying to kick in) and just the slightest curveball makes everything spin out of control and then the house of cards that I have (rather scrappily) constructed falls down around my ankles like a pair of week old underwear (yuk or so I’m told) I’m getting nervous for the day ahead.

My lift was on time and as always was waffling on about the inside of a ping pong ball (get a grip you twat its 5.30 in the fecking morning) but I entered work with a serenity I didn’t feel that I deserved, this was meant to be a total day of hell, if I kept my nerve and didn’t blink the day would be won with a smile on my face (ok so it would be wind! what do you expect with a blog site entitled walks with broken hoop) I gathered my paperwork and got ready to do the first job of the day my first hour is spent checking paperwork normally stuff that was missed the day before and as I walked into the control room I expected to be hit with shit loads I was gobsmacked that I only had three to do (still a pain but three I can live with) as soon as my allotted hour was up I was away and running (ok limping) I had 11 inspections to do and nothing was going to stop me.... well not quite the fire brigade did try and stop me and unfortunately I had to body swerve I could tell they were pissed off but needs must I had things to do hells bells do they not know who the hell I am?

Now I’m not going to bore you with the details let’s just say it went well, and I mean really well it was a pain but with only one letter to send out of 11 inspections, I wish the rest of the centre actually was as good as the retail park. But as I waited (not very long) for the people who I had appointments with to be finished with their customers I have to admit when I wasn’t filling in bits and pieces (I don’t hang about I crack on while waiting) I was doing my people watching thing, the difference between stores expensive or otherwise is minimal, they may look different but in all reality they all treat them with contempt whether it’s a pound store or a shop with a dining table for £7000, the customer is simply seen as a victim for them to put their hand in your pocket and empty it as quick as possible, and these people aren’t bad they are just driven by the figure sheet and anything that gets in the way gets mowed down. But in amongst everybody there were tall, short, fat, skinny, bald, smelly, clean and everything in-between, people picking their noses when they thought that nobody was looking, the people who when ordering their food in a fast food place ordered a couple of cheap burgers while they waited for their main order, the staff who hated their menial tasks and the look of contempt on their faces because they think that they are better, the young staff who genuinely want to do the best they can because life hasn’t been and kicked their get up and go out of them (yet) it was a blur of work as well as people in all their glory the good the bad and the unwashed.

The knees held up until the last hour and then the pain kicked in, but I had won I did what I had to and I had come through the other side the winner. I headed home knowing the hard part (physically) was done and dusted; and it was the mental bit tomorrow and I had to try and get my brain into some kind of working order (hahahaha).

The wife had done her bits and pieces and was heading home at the same time as me but on the phone she sounded like she was at 40000 feet already and if she kept it up she was going to need breathing apparatus just to get in the back door! She had (again) a minor altercation in the back street as she was bringing in the food shopping and the Kraken was actually being helpful (yes I was suspicious as well) the stress levels were high but were in acceptable parameters. I headed off for a soak in the bath (much needed) and a shed load of pain killers.

The grandchild was being whinny as kids sometimes get and I could tell that the wife indeed was going to have her hands full, I was right as she spent half the night trying to calm him down.

I did the decent thing and made the tea that had been requested by the youngest and it was eaten without a complaint (as if). I missed a phone call from SMOR as I had took the pooch out for a short jaunt and to be honest the pain levels were way above critical I had some writing to do and nothing short of world war three was going to get in my way, mind I did suffer with the onions I had put in the meal but I suppose no pain no gain! And that’s it, I am up way too late on a school night I’m really going to try and score some points by doing the dishes and then head off to bed another early start and I intend to have a bloody good drink tomorrow night so that I can sleep the sleep of the dead and then enjoy the start of the mother of all road trips.

If I can survive today and proudly boast the fact that I ain’t dead yet, tomorrow might not be as bad (yeah right) as I am dreading it to be!

Let the storm roll in

Let the storm roll in.

Yet another lie in (damn I must have needed it) well ok so it wasn’t exactly sleeping until noon, but hell for me it was as near damn (eight o’clock...ish) I wasn’t complaining but the pooch was, so I dragged my weary ass out of my pit and looked after him, I had work to do anyway. The eldest had been trying to ring but we weren’t really in a clear frame of mind so we actually (shocking isn’t it) ducked the calls (for twenty minutes until we pulled ourselves together) it would have been something or nothing (it was) and she wouldn’t listen to our advice anyway (surprise she didn’t) I just wish we could have some consistency (in a good way) from her but as always I won’t hold my breath!

While I had a healthier breakfast (than the previous two days) I started clearing my hard drive (it’s not massive so it quickly gets cluttered) and I had a panic attack when I tried to run a scan and it claimed I had a Trojan (ooops) so I saved my book stuff on a pen and started having a house clearance on my hard drive. I had also brought a little (ahem) bit of work home and if I’m honest (me with my reputation) my mind was just fried (see previous chapter) so what should have took me about 90 minutes took me 180 and even then I was second guessing myself, work was by now really taking it out of me both physically and mentally (sounds dramatic but hell it ‘s true) and with the next two days of hell awaiting for me I wasn’t happy but I knew I would have to get on with it.

The weather was a surprise as it snowed yes actually snowed it was never going to lie but it sent us both into panic mode for about 17 seconds (ah what the hell) I plodded on while waiting for the good lady of the house to get herself sorted thankfully we were on her time frame today and for once I wasn’t going to whinge about it (allegedly) but I was happy for the slow float down the river of life for that day!  We intended to have a late lunch (is night time late for dinner) so we weren’t really bothered because we weren’t going to The Tee Hee Club today as it was the local derby, so it would have been bedlam anyway (honestly it’s a fecking game people) so we wanted to avoid the animals that prowl the high street on this particular day! so the wife was definitely in charge of life the universe and everything in-between, so it was The Boo Hoo Club for us and to be honest as we were trying to keep the finances in check as usual, we were putting our masks on to rob Peter to pay Paul trying to make sure that there was money in the bank to cover the bills while we are away (the money’s there we just have to make sure it’s in the right place at the right time) so we talked (argued) money until we didn’t give a rats ass, we were going on holiday we can only do what we can I’ll take any consequences when I come back I want my holiday and I want it NOW!

We also had to sort out the suitcases and the wife had taken a shine to mine thinking that hers was too big so she emptied hers and tried (hahahaha) to fit all hers into mine I had more chance of getting into a pair of jeans with a 30 inch waist (ah bless) so we went through the charade and I went with the flow because I know she would have beat me to death with something (probably the bloody suitcase) blunt. She soon realised that it was indeed nothing but a pipe dream so everything was soon back into “her” case and we then started the ritual of filling mine, now I will be honest I’m a typical bloke I would just shove everything in (ahem) so I did the dutiful thing and “passed things to her as and when required” I was a good boy!

Once we had done all the things that was needed, the wife had started a cunning plan earlier in the week using a local sun tan place to get some colour, so off she went to get her daily dose of vitamin D, and I lay around the house like well a lazy person, she wasn’t away long but when she came back she was happy so that was a result. The weather was still damp and she trotted off to get the youngest and I still did my best Sloth impression. Actually that’s not strictly true I started the dinner a good old fashioned winter dinner.

We all settled down as a happy family and watched TV and generally wallowed in our own apathy (and it was great) we still pottered I had a few tasks to complete and I did them like a brave little soldier, although as the night ventured on I was dreading the fact that the morning would come and a huge amount of work sat waiting for me, again the amount didn’t (I like to think that I’m not work shy) bother me, it was the amount of walking that did and my knee’s kept giving me the odd pain as if to say “you screw with me I’m going to screw you right back” and I knew that tomorrow I was going to be in a whole heap of pain but I was just going to have to suck it up.

We all headed up stairs at around the same time and although the women of the house were off to do strange things (well for that time of the night) I was off to the land of nod, or so I thought I lay in the darkness for a short while (I’m a creature of habit no matter what I soon start to nod off) dreading the new day but also thinking of the new adventure that waits just over the horizon, and the good feelings are slowly but surely taking over from the bad feelings, tomorrow I wasn’t frightened of that, it was the pain I was expecting from my knees and the fact that the wife had a multitude of things to do while juggling the sproglit and the Kraken, I was half expecting to receive a mayday message but that’s for the new day I was sinking into the land of snooze and I welcomed sleep with open arms.

Things i don't understand

Things I don’t understand.

Today started cold and damp and if I’m honest my mood was no better I had woke up in a funk and when it’s like that its best if you let me just get on with it! The wife bless asked twice and got the hint, I wasn’t being stroppy and it certainly wasn’t anything that she had said or done I was just down it happens, leave me be and I will climb out of it. It happens about four times a year these days and because I’m normally up before everybody else normally people don’t get to see it, this morning my timing was a little off!

The dog did his usual morning call and it was later than normal, so I did the deed and then got him settled and ran myself a bath to soak my weary bones and my flesh eating disease is back with a vengeance and I wasn’t looking forward to it, but needs must and once the pain had been sorted, I tried to wake the wife (with only moderate success) we had a lot to do today and we needed to play our best game. Again I had yet another unhealthy breakfast (don’t ask) and once we pulled ourselves together had a conversation that we had ignored all week (finance) we headed out to sort out the spending money for our road trip.

Now if we had planned it better it wouldn’t have been the ghastly nightmare that would very nearly spoil the day. Our first stop was the building society to take out the last of our funds and then off to the bank to which although the rest of the money was there we weren’t allowed to take out the amount required (Grrr) this had the potential to spin out but thankfully we both took a deep breath and thought sod it lets just go with the flow! I also had to post book number three to my contact in Germany (sounds like something out of a Bond novel)  we had also arranged to drop off some books off in Cullercoats, so we thought we would for once go with the flow so with that we headed off into the distant blue yonder.

The day was indeed starting to lighten up and we fired up the old IPod and generally had a good time and then we started talking nonsense (which is good) we went down the road of picking our top ten favourite vocalists (which I won’t bore you with because for both of us it changes with the mood needless to say it’s the usual suspects of classic rock) when all of a sudden the wife dismissed Paul Rodgers completely out of hand, now if you don’t like that particular person that’s fine I don’t have an issue with that, but the way she dismissed him was unbelievable just ignored with a wave of her hand, now I will be honest I’m not a fan of the tracks that people associate him with, I’m sick to death of hearing them over and over again but he has consistently made good album after good album I have never seen him do a bad gig, I mean I could go on forever and like I said if you don’t like him that’s fine but come on people do the study before you shoot the guy. We soon reconciled our (minor) differences we arrived at our destination and I have to admit our mood had lifted and the wife even tried some humour (I suppose you had to be there) it all involved an already open door, we were greeted by our host lady J who even made a (nice) cup of tea we had some nice chat (involving gazelles and boots and so much other stuff but with my mind being so scatter brained at the moment I knew I would be abused later for forgetting so much good information) and much complimenting of the blogs that nearly made me blush, as always I had a peruse through somebody else’s music collection (sorry hard habit to get rid of) and after the grand tour (lovely house but the wife would basically kill anybody who parked in the street) we headed back off on our quest for holiday currency, with a slight detour on the way, all the while I was furiously trying to remember all the good things (a veritable goldmine of nuggets for blogging) all the while knowing that I had very little chance to do so I’m not a real big fan of this getting old thing my brain is turning into Swiss cheese!

Our short detour was into Newcastle to get some tickets for Y&T and W.A.S.P for later in the year (one of them being on our wedding anniversary...result) although it’s in my least favourite venue in Newcastle (The Academy) the company shall as always be splendid! This done we headed off to the Metrocentre to try and resolve once and for all our currency issue! Thinking that my bank was shut we headed directly into M&S to their bureau de change only to be told that if I wanted to use my card to buy the currency I would need proof of identity (???) but if I wandered in off the street with cold cash I wouldn’t, at this point the wife was up to simmer on the old temperature gauge she even set off at a fast rate of knots when we left so that she could see if the cash point would give us the requisite amount of cash, I finally caught up with her only to be proven wrong and that my branch was indeed open, so we wandered in and joined the queue to get at that money. After a wait of what seemed like bloody hours (loads of staff in but only one serving ... go figure) and the wife slagging off the branch and the staff in her usual quiet voice! we headed back and thankfully got our (mighty) dollars (woo hoo) I treated the wife to dinner (from my fave sandwich place, I don’t get discount so I’m not advertising them) we then went and abused some friends who happened to be at work today, and then again (I spoil my bloody wife) I treated my wife to an ice cream.

We jumped in the car and headed back to Gimpsville with the lovely weather but the wife took a circuitous route (she had a cunning plan) and then left me to twiddle my thumbs while she went off and did a sun bed thing (to get some colour in her skin before we get to Vegas) My brother then rang and we put the world to rights (as we always do) and then little miss happy (the wife) skipped back in (it’s nice to see her happy...for once, rest assured the Kraken will do her best to pull her back into a world of misery). Another short respite and the wife did the washing run up to see the youngest who was at the Krakens so the wife disappeared for a couple of hours while I caught up with my Sky recordings (5 episodes of Lovejoy) I have to admit if I remembered the particular episode I deleted it, then I tried (unsuccessfully) to remember all the things that happened today and all I have, I have put down on paper here, now what has this and all the previous chapters got to with Las Vegas ...not a lot I’m just trying to set the mood so that you will understand where my (numb) brain is at and maybe just some of the things I don’t understand (life the universe technology the metric system and how to.....maybe not). Hahaha now I have to try and shorten and twist what I have written here so not to appear as though I’m a cheap skate you have to give the fans what they want!