Mystery Train

Mystery Train.

And so it came to pass that with the coming of the dawn the day had finally arrived for the mother of all road trips were we ready hell no but that wasn’t going to stop us.....although several things did try to conspire against us!

I woke with cramp in both of my legs and to the delicate sound of the wife throwing her guts up (oh deep joy) everybody had suffered (except me) but thankfully it was the tail end of the hurricane we gathered ourselves and yes I did one or two work related emails (I had to leave one or two messages and jobs to upset certain people) we checked and rechecked everything to make sure that no stone was left unturned and all the items that we had to take with us (kitchen sink, thermo nuclear device...Husband) was all present and correct, well ok I was present but I’m not sure if I was correct! I still felt like hammered shit, but better than I had done in many months nothing could go wrong now (oh shut up you Muppet), the Kraken arrived and put us through our paces and wished us a good holiday (Pinocchio) we jumped into the taxi and finally we were off.

The drive down was pleasant and although we ran into some roadwork’s we still arrived in plenty of time, on the way down between small talk we listened to the radio and although I hate most music today but I find some of the hypocrisy that has been handed out over the years rather silly songs like Relax, Roxanne too name but two which allegedly deals with what  can be construed as be rude or even offensive but in a twenty minute taxi ride we heard Ed Sheeran sing his song the A Team all about going out and selling your body for a couple of grams, funny how times change a great song but the content twenty years ago would have had him burnt at the stake! we still didn’t beat our co conspirators to the designated meeting place but we had plenty of time to head to the right platform and wait several years before we were allowed on the bloody train, while we waited the ladies decided to go and get food supplies while the gentlemen looked after the cases the wife decided to be cruel, she came back with a chicken sandwich with Jalapeño’s on, normally she doesn’t like me to have “spicy” food but she was being nice (uh oh) and although the sandwich was nice it actually brought tears to my eyes that’s how much me and my girly taste buds suffered. G started early and was soon getting abused for wearing a Gregg’s bag as a beard cover!

We finally got settled only for some arse to get on at Durham and to be playing episodes of futurama at full tilt (count to three please don’t get arrested before you get on the plane for murder) thankfully they were only on for one stop, I thought the ladies were going to show him the outside of the train at speed, once the dingbats had got off we soon settled into a natural rhythm of silliness and banter, I was still receiving an inordinate amount of grief everytime I took out the little black book (it wasn’t always about what was happening at that moment in time it usually was about something that wandered back into my skull) E couldn’t work out what was triggering me to write stuff down (and as I read back through my scribbled notes neither could I) as we pulled into York we soon had the rest of the Chinese nation on board as they must have known G was with us or maybe they just wanted his ten dollar (hey sailor) at this point I was trying to get some sleep but the habit of announcing every station over the tannoy was starting to get annoying, on top of that the Jalapeño simply wouldn’t go away so we arrived in Leeds for me to find the train filling up and a corpse sitting next to me!

Everybody except me was wearing the t-shirts that E had got us(which looked fab!) I had elected not to wear mine as I knew that at some point there would be food involved and with my reputation for slopping was at the forefront of my mind so I opted to be a good boy (oh how little did I know) I have to admit I as always enjoyed the trip to Manchester looking at the old stone built buildings and the countryside well I say I enjoyed it right until the conversation took a left turn with regards a certain Nikki Sixx and how a certain person (oh alright it was E is nothing sacred) thought that he had got a little “podgy” around the middle so she might just have to “transfer her feelings of lust” her words not mine to his son who thankfully we discovered is out of his teenage years (me and G were wondering if we should tip off the FBI).

We arrived at the hotel without much further incident and the staff were pleasant (if you’re not pleasant at a five star hotel why work there) but as usual in the UK a bunch of robbing bastards for the internet facilities it was £15 a day let’s see how our American cousins do! I was still a little concerned for the wife although the good company was lifting her spirits she still wasn’t operating at 100% but bless her she was giving it everything she could, we got an emergency call from our youngest who had had an issue on the bus (the bunch of robbing bastards) in which she had to pay full fare I was so glad I had given her an emergency fund in case of such a thing happening (see I can plan ahead) and in the background from the Kraken which I was praying wasn’t going to turn into the shape of things to come she did indeed sound ill and seemed to be coming down with what the wife had been suffering with, as she hung up I reminded her nothing short of death was stopping us going (or rather her).

We decided to kill some time with a reconnaissance trip to airport and we arranged a lift with the hotel’s mini bus but in the excitement to get going I climbed like a mountain goat over the top of the seat, G was kind enough to point out exactly how to move the seat (D’oh!) well he should know by now I’m a dumbass and I don’t do technology! Upon arrival we discovered that there was a Spar in the airport which was good as we had no intention of paying £7 for a crap sandwich in the hotel, we also had no intention of staying for breakfast either (how much you dandy highway man) we headed back to kick back and chill in the hotel and we said or good nights and I broke out the IPod so I could  listen to some more Jeff Foxworthy about how I might be a redneck see I do like the redneck way of life it’s just the narrow-mindedness of the few that amaze me.

We are both lying here waiting to drift off into the fields of sleep and dreams and wait for the new day one full of positivity and with some luck the wife’s batteries will be recharged enough for her to enjoy the start (proper) of our holiday........oh how little did I know!