Caffeine Bomb

Caffeine Bomb.

I awoke a stranger in a strange land and for just a second I really didn’t have a clue where the hell I was and then everything swung back into focus and yes I still felt like hammered shite but there was something strange floating in the room and although for just a second I thought I was in a Harry Potter movie with Voldemort floating over me, when in reality it was the wife fussing about (this didn’t feel good) she was wired like a speed freak looking for a fix she had barely slept and had taken it upon herself to go for a wander about Las Vegas by herself and had decide to call into Starbucks for a coffee (oh shit) she had wanted to get a phone card so she could phone home,(E T) but even in my state I could see she was heading towards the stratosphere (and I’m not talking about the bloody hotel) what with me being poorly and the Kraken out of sorts this wasn’t the start we were hoping for!

Now the wife is the tech person in our house I struggle with pen and paper (you don’t say) and everytime we had been in the states she knows what she is doing with phone cards and the like, so it didn’t look good when she was cursing at the woman on the phone who was giving instructions in Spanish (oops!) thankfully it was an automated system otherwise the thought of local law enforcement kicking in the door to take out the mad woman was not a pleasing one. She finally decided to go another route but not before heading down to reception to see if they could help but we did get the internet sorted out (for free as well take note UK Hotels ya bunch of robbing....continued at rant.com).

Then we were conversing with the youngest via farcebook it wasn’t the best solution but it was better than nothing, and we even tried to sort out the video conferencing thingy majig .....Nope that wasn’t going to do it and neither did Skype well ok maybe the wife is the tech person of the family when she isn’t flying at 70000 feet! The whole up shot was that technology sucks and for once it wasn’t me that was at fault (well maybe I was but with being ill I took no bloody notice) we heard a knock at the adjoining room door as the other half of the team where hot to trot off for breakfast (please let me be able to eat something) we had a cunning plan and we headed back out onto the strip trying not very successfully to keep the wife away from those pesky Mexicans who seemed as if they had been there all bloody night!

We had decided upon Hash Hash a go go which sounded great and we took our time to amble up the strip looking at the local sights in daylight it was much easier to take it in that and the eight hours sleep I had had. On the way up I went into people watching mode and was amazed at the amount of tattoo’s and of how many were either of a religious significance or they had the bloody tree of life on their arms this was going to be a tad interesting, upon arrival the queue was out the door and we booked a table and were told to come back in twenty or so minutes so we headed back downstairs to have a little flutter which was to begin with a little surreal at no times did the casino’s actually have any down time at no point did they ever appear to have a lull there was always a multitude of people feeding the machines not that we minded because we intended to join them on a regular basis over the next seven days!

We headed back to the restaurant where Mark our server showed us to our tables it was as we were being led to our table that I noticed that the portions were of a gargantuan size (oh shit)  it was at this point that E mentioned that the place had been on the TV programme Man Vs. Food (double oh shit) so we looked interested and again I wanted to partake as this is what I love about America so I looked blankly at the menu not being able to focus at all and finally when it was my turn to choose I just blindly picked that please (pork and mash) when in reality what I should have done is just had a side of bacon and eggs, my mind was in shutdown mode and my guts were about to go on strike, the food turned up and I went into immediate shock  I didn’t stand a cat in hells chance and I knew before I pulled my sharp knife like Excalibur from the half a pig on my plate, everybody knew I was struggling just to sit in the bloody restaurant but I manned up and attempted to digest it (fool) I probably managed about eight mouthfuls (my biggest regret of the holiday food wise because it was lovely) it was smothered in a sauce that was so rich I knew that if ate any of it I might as well just scrap my plate down the toilet , what I had was lovely but it was way too early in the holiday for me to even think about attempting such a feast I was saying as many prayers as possible to as many gods that I could think of for this not to be the shape of things to come!

Everybody finished theirs including the wife and her biggest pancake in the world with a cup of strong coffee to follow……and it did follow well actually more like lead the charge! actually that’s not strictly true G under strict orders from E had to attempt the half of Ostrich that E couldn’t finish, which he did bless his cotton little socks. We then attacked the nearest casinos in our game plan and slowly had a pleasant day with a small flutter here and there, we eventually headed back to regroup and replan (and for me to rest my weary bones) when those bloody pirates and there shenanigans kicked off again we were ready this time although I had headed back to the tub for another long soak to rest my knees and my ribs that were suffering from all the puking on the plane. After a short respite we gathered our reserves it was at this moment G revealed he had the body of a racing snake to say we were all stunned was an understatement. Once we had all recovered from that little outburst and headed back to more casinos than you could shake a stick at, by this time I was really hungry so we split our forces and while the seasoned gamblers went off one way we decided to go with the safest food known to humans (McDonalds) and although I enjoyed the meal it didn’t stay inside me long but at least I had managed to eat the bloody thing ( I felt as though I was being sponsored by Imodium) the others turned up to recue us and we enjoyed an evening of gambling and me dutifully knowing how to plot a course to any restroom that was in the buildings we were in!

The evening progressed and I was a good boy I didn’t drink anything other than water (damn and blast) but G was doing what I had wished to be doing, having a blast and only getting told off every three minutes instead of every other minute he soon had a jug of beer (it comes in jugs!....no really don’t go there) and we ended up as far as we wanted to the wife was starting to growl at the exotic (that means bored) dancers so we steered a course to some Bandits and set her away and although we never won big we usually covered our outgoings and we ambled through the casino ending up by a Chinese restaurant and E had won big so we weren’t going anywhere until she had lost it all (ever the optimist) at this point the world got surreal and moved sideways G headed off to the restroom and while stood at the cubicle doing what chaps do an American asked him if he had  had a great day now unfortunately that’s not what G heard he thought the guy had said “Craig David” (WTF) to which G replied with his arm held aloft “aye kes is a canny bird c’mon” now I’m not sure that many Americans know who the hell the character Bo Selecta is but G came back in stitches  and when he told us I thought I was going to have a bloody stroke E was going to use G’s jug to refill but not with beer and the wife was also in hysterics! now written down its simply not as hilarious but ask G when he’s had a drink to re run through the story where he does all the actions and you will literally laugh your socks off , we finally regained some composure when from the restaurant there came a bellow “Reservation for G table for one” E couldn’t lose the money quick enough we had to get the hell out of dodge and quickly we made our way back down the strip dodging all the Mexicans and there dodgy cards I was amazed how much like Blackpool this place is but if I was honest I know exactly which one I would rather visit. We got back in one piece and with cunning plans in our heads we all headed off to hit the hay, although the day had stated poorly (for me at least) we were getting our sea legs so to speak as Ozzy Osbourne always says “let the madness begin” we intend to do our best to fulfil our obligations to the contract hahahaha.