Sometimes

Sometimes I feel so low.

It’s at this point I (really) hate myself I feel as though I’m spoiling the holiday for everybody! I’m physically drained and have never felt so tired in all my bloody life, I have an arse that feels as though it’s been crossed with a baboon’s and fecking blood orange (too much? ..... sorry I feel like I can share hahahaha) My chest feels like I stepped into the ring with a certain Mr. Tyson and he played with my rib cage for 14 rounds then blew me down with a feather (at this point any fecker could) and then just to be sure I was given a hug off the hulk (ouch) I think the best thing at this point would be for me really just for me to get my coat (taxi for Me).

I know I have worked so hard for this holiday and me and the wife sold our souls so we could actually come and have some fun and I’m being all melodramatic and needy! The only thing I feel that I have contributed so far to the holiday is “FUCK ALL” and boy I feel so low I could crawl under a snakes belly with a top hat on (yes G a racing snakes belly).

I’m starving and I can’t eat anything, well I could but my stomach rejects it like an organ that hasn’t been sown in properly (don’t go there), I’m hoping that everybody is having a much better time and not saying “let’s just bury him out in the desert” behind my back, actually the wife could join the air force she is flying so bloody high and I know some of it is pure happiness mixed with a just a smidgen of caffeine. I am trying but if I’m honest if this was a horror film I would be the first one dead (or the actual killer being devious) or in a Star Trek episode I would be wearing the red top of the security detail (in other words dead as a fecking dodo) I really do feel as though I’m slowing everybody down and the raptors are going to pop out of the undergrowth and pick me off!

What is really killing me is that I’m the first one to bed and last one up its like the wife has date raped me (ha I wish) I wasn’t even awake as we left the hotel this morning, thankfully some people needed some of that black motivator stuff yeah that’s right coffee, so I managed to gather my (what few I had left) wits about me. We had decided to travel to the far end of the strip by bus. Now we Brits are used to public transport but some Yanks just aren’t (the ones with money) we don’t know how the Americans travel but we worked it out in the two steps it  takes to get on the bus from the pavement so we grabbed a place but  G and E still had their coffee so elected to wait until the next one, but the people who got on after us with a huge wedge of money didn’t understand a word of what was being said and judging by the accent they were from the same state as the bus driver  it just didn’t compute he had to say it twice and the couple looked at him as though he was describing how to build a nuclear reactor, finally some nice person (who had lost the will to live) pushed past and they saw how if the monkey did a certain thing they got a reward in their case a bloody bus ticket, so we travelled and enjoyed the jaunt and listened to the driver (he could teach the bus drivers back home a thing or two) he wasn’t particularly funny or anything just describing the route in a “good ole boy” accent and he kept saying (because the bus service was called the deuce) “rolling the deuce” everytime he pulled away from a stop. We jumped off at the last stop and waited (and waited) for G and E to turn up Americans aren’t really big on time tables (they don’t have the buggers) at one point a gardener turned up doing his bits and pieces with tonnes of shrubbery on the back of his little van we half expected our friends to be hanging on the back, we waited probably about twenty minutes and it was nice just to sit and chat, but my body by this time had woke up and was thinking how it could exact revenge, once we were a group again we went (in my case ran) towards Mandalay bay which was lovely (and definitely had the best restrooms of the holiday) the guy in the stall next to me wanted to know if I needed a doctor or the police because somebody had died in my stall! I thanked him for his concern but I had no organs to sell for to see a Dr in his country as I knew they would want to do a battery of tests for something that would get better on its own! Problem solved the wife handed me a bottle of water (which was drank in two gulps) and we headed to start the day properly (with a bit of gambling).

We now had a cunning plan and had a look around and then headed to the Luxor (I have no intention of reviewing every hotel we went into,( buy a rough guide book you cheap bastard!) where we decided to have a late breakfast early lunch, we had a look around the food court and me and the wife headed to Nathan’s for hotdogs and fries which were lovely and I kept mine inside my body for a grand total of three minutes, the restrooms in the Luxor are quite nice as well hahaha (this was really starting to drag me down) before we did some gambling this time I wanted cheering up and decided to buy myself a coat I had spotted something in a Harley Davison shop the day before and low and behold there was another one and because I was so low I wanted to do some “retail therapy” to cheer me up (me with my reputation) as it happens I had just about talked myself out of it when the chap said it’s reversible camouflage outside (at the moment) and black with the Harley logo on the inside “sod it” I was having it I don’t think I spent this much on clothes all of last year combined, I just wanted something nice I was in touch with my feminine side, while paying for it I needed my passport and the wife had buggered off and the girl said “what is she wearing and I will see if we can find her” I didn’t have a bloody clue my mind like my bowels were completely empty thankfully the wife wandered back into view just as the girl asked “do you want to wear the coat or have it wrapped” WTF it was 75 degrees outside do I want to wear it I politely said “no”  and our little merry band moved on and yes it did indeed cheer me up!

It was at this moment that I realised that there were indeed a lot of people wandering around in what we would consider winter clothing including scarf’s (dear lord) we are in Las Vegas people this place gets around eleven days of rain a years (I’m surprised we didn’t get seven of the bloody things) we had a bit more of a look around and just a little bit more gambling, but as we headed up the strip we called into a chemist for much needed supplies (finally the turning point of the holiday as at this point I stopped needing the medication but we had a barrel load on hand just in case) on the way past we stopped to have a look at the fountains at the Bellagio (sorry girls no George Clooney or Arm Pitt) and I had to chuckle as two men working in the pool in a rubber dingy came past waving to everybody as though they were stars (it’s like me running around at work with a fire extinguisher at work and expecting people to clap me ....Feck off losers) the display was lovely and afterwards we had a look inside and although it’s one of the more high end hotels the people with money are just as big a bunch of slobs as us common people, with them putting their feet up on the furniture at this point I just wanted to slap them (see I was starting to feel better) and the house keeping was decidedly sloppy as all of the skirting boards needed dusting hahaha!

We headed back on up the strip stopping again for food at this point I was past caring I was full of bravery (and Imodium) we still headed up the hill although I was Ok as I now knew the location of every restroom in a five mile radius, we made it back to the room with no further issues (hopefully) this was a good sign. It was at this point the wife became Tits McGee as I noticed she was hiding money in her bra (odd woman) we got ready as we were heading out to a club called Vamp’d where Brian Tichy’s band were playing and we had been added to the guest list (how good is that I can’t even do that in my hometown without the aid of SMOR) we jumped into a taxi and I have to admit I was a tad concerned as we were heading to a place that was basically a trading estate, but we were feeling brave we even had an opinion on American politics (the guy could have had a gun hahaha) the night took a strange turn as we got out of the taxi at the venue and the first thing we saw was a sign stating “No colours and no firearms” WTF it’s not the Wouldy then?

The club was small and compact and as always put English clubs to shame great sound system and doesn’t stink of urine and hey they don’t rob you like the fecking robbers den! We chilled and sat outside and we all people watched although if G had had a Swiss army knife he might have fixed the heaters for the staff hahaha we watched people pulling in on bikes it had a nice vibe and I spotted somebody in the back ground who I thought I knew but I didn’t but he does pop up in a later chapter (in a good way). The wife spotted someone who she thought was famous but we didn’t believe her (oh boy were we wrong) and then the band came on and I enjoyed them in a Led Zeppelin kind of way and Sass Jordan (look her up) is still as good a singer as she was twenty five years ago! It was at this point we realised that we should have brought some extra batteries (D’oh!) for the camera, so we shut it down to save what we needed and the wife used her phone, the show over we headed back stage to say thank you and to say goodbye (which was meant to be a quick goodbye) but we got into conversations and the wife was right and we were indeed introduced to Jake E Lee guitarist with Ozzy Osbourne back in the eighties, and he was fascinated by my Buckets t-shirt (as he should have been) we even got him to look them up on his I Phone on you tube, and when he asked the history of the band I was amazed he knew who Hellanbach were.

Again I didn’t want to be rude to Mr. Tichy for getting us in but we also had left our friends (who although thought the gig ok weren’t bothered about meeting more rock stars) I finally dragged her out as we again said farewell and thank you! Thankfully G and E were OK and said we needn’t apologise (but we is nice people hahaha) we sat and waited for our Taxi on the way back the more attentive of us (not me) noticed the time was off (the clocks had gone forward) we got in our rooms and said goodnight only to hear knocking at the adjoining doors which was G confirming that the feckers had indeed stolen an hour of our holiday he actually was ranting and calling them all “dirty Mackums” it was at this point G found Three Kestrel eggs (see previous chapter) and he was overjoyed E wasn’t (ok so they were three blue speckled jelly beans) but we did have just a little drinkie poos we again said our goodnights leaving E to deal with G in full flow saying that he was going to “take care” and hatch the eggs it was only the next morning we found out that E had virtually stripped the bed looking for the offending ”eggs” so not to roll over and squash one (hahaha) only to be told by G that after all her hard work they were safe and sound inside his belly, damn I wish I had been a fly on the wall in their room that night, but plans had been made and I was back in the land of nod but the corner had been turned and although I was still ill and was even when I went back to work (I think that’s what the cold sweats were) it was time for The Tee Hee Club to show what we were made of bring it on ......oh Yeah!