The return of Mr Creosote!

The Return of Mr. Creosote!

The hotel was well and truly silent when we woke from deep slumbers, the wife looked better but my sleep had been disturbed by dreams of work related items with everybody singing Bruno Mars songs instead of talking (WTF) I felt that I was fighting off the unwanted advances of the bloody Jalapeño from yesterday (in reality it had bugger all to do with the bloody pepper but the wife’s walking dead disease) there was something quite not right with me (go figure) and I couldn’t quite put my finger on the disease of the day. I sat around like an expectant father waiting for his first born everything packed and hot to trot for the main event.

We arrived quite quickly and got checked in quite painlessly our bags were well within the weight limits, I still had a rumbly in my tummy I was putting it down to excitement, but it was starting to nag and get louder and louder (maybe I’m just hungry we still hadn’t had our first breakfast’s filthy little hobbits) we go through the security point and I’m the only one not asked to remove my shoes (maybe the reputation of my feet go before me like a pungent odour hahaha) maybe I just look trustworthy (no comments please). We got through and then received a phone call from the youngest that the Kraken had indeed gone down with galloping gut rot and a doctor was required (it turns out that it was gastric flu, it’s not infectious is it?) I wandered into WHSmiths and bought a music related magazine and came out to see the wife looking worried but determined the youngest was stepping up to the plate (bless her cotton little socks) and we wandered through several shops looking at items (me and the wife had no intention of buying) but I was hungry as was everybody else we dodged a man with a strange moustache who was trying to sell us a raffle ticket for an Aston Martin (yeah right of course it’s not fixed)  E had a fit because G was being a tad flitty but we all calmed down and headed for Burger King (yum yum) where I let the wife decide what was required so we didn’t have a repeat of The rail station when we went to see Motley Crue, it turned up and although it was devoured I still felt decidedly off, now with being cack for the last 10 months or so I wasn’t intending to spoil the flight/holiday if I could help it (guess what yeah your right I couldn’t) we headed back to the shops just to waste some time and as we headed to the gate  the wife decided to ask some passing policemen if their weapons were heavy (don’t ask) we had been at the gate for about two minutes when all of a sudden there was a security alert and yes you guessed it the whole world went into total spaz mode now I have to admit it was the least organised evacuation drill I have ever seen with staff who didn’t know what they were doing with no direction or instruction, staff asking other staff what the hell was going on let’s just say if they were my staff I would be ripping through them like a headless horseman with a bloody big sword chopping at the idiots who actually were fighting because they didn’t know what the hell they were supposed to be doing. On a scale of one to ten they would get absolutely nothing well ok maybe about another 12 drills until they got it right, because on that viewing the staff at Manchester airport are Shite! mind you that is only my professional opinion, I was tempted to write to them and say how bad it was but I’m sure they didn’t want to hear my constructive criticism, we were then allowed back to the gate only to be told that the alert wasn’t over and they moved us on again only to be sent back for the third time (Grrr!).

At this moment in time I really did need the little boy’s room and as I rushed there the feeling disappeared just as fast as it had come. I washed to make myself a little fresher and I did indeed feel a whole lot better, false alarm over we headed to Boots the Chemists to get some supplies I was a tad nervous even though I felt that much better I had a nagging feeling dripping seeds of doubt into my head! Back at the gate we sat and waited and then from out of nowhere it hit me like a bucket of water being thrown over me and I was as sick as a dog that’s just ate a five day old dead rat, the wife was concerned I was so crappy I didn’t want to be touched (warning it’s going to get a tad graphic in a bit) I decided to head back to the ablutions and I got there just in time as whatever was inside me decided to erupt like a bloody volcano, and I just got in position and sat when what seemed like every drop of fluid had passed through me, like Harry Potter had waved a magic wand I felt like a million dollars after the eruption so I did all the right things I even washed my hands twice (I didn’t want to give anybody what I had) but thankfully I had colour back in my cheeks I guzzled a bottle of water so I had at least some fluids in me then and we finally boarded and got our seats we were finally on our way nothing could go wrong now (SHUT THE FECK YOU BLOODY MUPPET!!!).

About an hour in and I’m sat watching the little pirates island on the onboard flight map on the screen I had no intention of watching any films I intend to go over my notes and see if I could get a rough semblance of order for the chapters that I hadn’t wrote, the crew came round with our complimentary drinks(lemonade for me please and some funny looks from G), we settled back as they brought the in flight meal (bangers and mash lovely I could eat a scabby horse) and after three tiny bites (I was being extremely careful) I realised I wasn’t better at all and if I ate anymore I would suffer big style (too late) I put the meal to one side and after it was collected in I headed for the smallest room on the plane for round two but this time I erupted from both ends with a lot more force than the original attack it was back with a vengeance and this time it intended not to take any prisoners. After about half an hour mainly cleaning the bathroom I couldn’t leave it for anybody else to tidy up and a small episode three I staggered back to my seat as though Mike Tyson had been having a work out on my ribs and let’s not just go anywhere near the pain in my lower regions, I did feel better but now all I wanted to do was sleep and that’s exactly what I did with the wife taking very good care of me for the rest of the journey even though I had another episode about an hour later my tee hee club t-shirt looked like I had been using it as a dish cloth in a fast food restaurant! I was a tad unhappy at this point (the curse of the Kraken had hit me hard), I then slept for the next three and a half hours but in reality all I wanted to do was lie down and stretch out (but I was realistic and knew this was never going to happen).

So I soldiered on I didn’t really care this was my first proper holiday in five years and as I said death was really only going to be the thing to stop this bloody holiday, thankfully the Tee Hee club are like the Marines they don’t leave anybody behind! I love America I love the People (even the fecking rednecks) I love the culture and I have always loved a lot of American music; my only concern was to get through customs. Customs wasn’t as bad as I had expected even though I was wearing puke splattered clothing those wonderful people still let me in it actually only took about an hour, they let me through only to punish me with the Disco King for a taxi driver. We arrived outside into a lovely warm (winter for them ) breeze and we soon found a taxi that would take us all and our bags and as I melted into the back of the cab the driver decided to play ABBA and the bloody Bee Gees at full tilt I nearly strangled the tosser with his own seat belt (actually I was feeling a tad frazzled he was canny enough but I just wanted to have a bath and climb into bed) we turned up at the hotel (Treasure Island) booked in and I signed something actually it could have been the deeds of the house I have no idea at all just let me get to my room, the nice lady with the assistance of the others got us a lovely room with a view of the strip with adjoining rooms (do they not know who the hell we are hahahaha) as soon as I was in I ran a lovely deep bath and washed all the funk off me and although I still felt like shite, I felt a million times better than I had on the plane, I crawled onto the bloody big soft bed and was just dozing off when a bloody boat load of pirates rocked up outside our room and kicked some serious amounts of ass with more ordinance than a bloody Kiss concert!

Feeling better and a little bit better that the adventure was upon us and I had to up my game so not to spoil (anymore than I had already) the holiday we were all hungry so we headed out onto the strip and within minutes I was trying to stop the wife from killing 90% of the Mexican population of Las Vegas who were flicking and trying to palm off cards showing “Nice Ladies”  I wasn’t interested in anything at all at that moment in time I was hungry and I was tired, to be brutally honest it was a visual overload for this tired little camper and we ended up in Denny’s for a meal, now Denny’s is cheap and cheerful it does what it says on the box and I was grateful of having something in my stomach and thankfully it didn’t wish to escape! We had a short jaunt but the others took pity on me and we headed back to our rooms where I climbed in as quickly as possible and was asleep before the wife could ask me if I was OK ZZZZZZZZZZ!