Living for the City

As I get older my brain is not what it used to be, at times I have a crystal clarity for an obscure B-side of a single from 1976, but as a rule my head is a shed (full of shit) lots of stuff in there and no rhyme or reason as to what I should do with it, sometimes it makes for some great conversations with some great people sometimes I can shut people down as they haven’t got a clue, my fave all time argument was when a doofus at work said that “under pressure” by Queen actually appeared on “a night at the opera” oh how I laughed then destroyed that individual, they don’t “chat” to me about music anymore (stick to Westlife you sad sack of shit).  What has this to do with today’s blog well read on and see for yourself!

Lets go back to June / July of 1984, way before I met my first wife when I was still young free and single  ( I was always single) my friend Steve Ridley was dating a girl who had a friend who was nice but she didn’t want to date anyone and neither did I, we constantly kept getting sat next to each other and it was purely platonic, we never saw each other unless we were in the company of said friends, now to my eternal shame I cannot remember the girls name for love or money and believe me I have racked my brain, over the course of about seven months we used to end up talking to each other virtually every weekend (Paula is the name that sticks the most but I wouldn’t stake money on it so let’s stick with Paula). My friends had gone off to see Stevie Wonder on the previous tour and I hadn’t, he was too sweet for my taste, I know people raved about him but his current material was simply not my cup of tea!

Anyway Steve and his girlfriend were going to see him 1984 and he begged me to get  tickets for “Paula”  I really didn’t want to go but hey ho good friend and all that and she was good company most of the time, I intended to disappear off to the bar at the first opportunity and she was fine with that, trouble was I didn’t have tickets so I was going to have to beg to  get on the guest list, something I hated doing but I had a good contact and he had never let me down so far, This time Pete said no from the offset, WTF, “I Know what you are like you will pester me for the rest of the tour” to which I replied ”shut the front door me and Stevie Wonder I don’t bloody think so!” anyway the top and bottom of it I manged to wangle the tickets, I had  never been to Brighton before but we would make a day of it.

We started off early on a train full of Stevie Wonder fans all heading in the right direction and I was a good boy I wasn’t drinking before 12 which for me was a bloody miracle at that point in my life, we had some lunch a couple (ok more than a couple) of drinks we then headed to the venue, Steve had obviously used the same source to get tickets as were sat together as a group and I stared intently at my watch wanting to sod off to the bar, small talk was not my thing and I had a fancy that Steve’s romance was heading to the rocks, no arguments but it simply slipped its moorings and headed off in disinterest!

If there was a support we didn’t get there in time to see them (thank the lord) and then the lights dimmed and the show started, what a revelation, now there will not be a rundown of the set list as I don’t remember (hells bells it was over 35 years ago) but the whole show was a revelation from start to finish, yes there were one or two tracks I wasn’t a fan of (I just called to say I love you…..spew)  but on the whole I knew just about every song (how the hell did that happen) but I didn’t know the names or how I knew them!  the set was great and the band were awesome I had a fab time and as it came to an end all I could think of was “I wonder how many other shows I could  get to see” we headed back to catch the train back to London and who was sat at the front , yes Pete with a lovely young lady friend, it was time to be a pest! I was greeted with “Fuck Off” not a nice way to start as all I had wanted to do was say thank you for getting me in, a little bit of banter back and forth (all in good humour) I was on the guest list for the Earls Court shows, now how was I going to get into the Wembley Shows, each time I saw the show I saw some other nuance that I had missed previously, the only thing that concerned me was when the star of the show tried to stand on his keyboard set up and dance, obviously well-rehearsed but boy did it give me the heebie geebies!  

Wembley was a harder nut to crack and I had to wait until the day of the gig and do the walk of shame up to the box office every day, something I have always hated doing, said my name “nope you aren’t on it” spell it all the variants that ignorant people use, there I was the Dutch way of spelling it and then I was in, all by myself having a (sober) whale of a time! I saw the tour 6 times and every show was awesome, I never saw or heard of Paula again, Steve’s relationship barely survived the train journey home! Did I go and collect Mr Wonder’s discography, hell no, can I name the songs that I enjoyed, that’s a double hell no, I was simply entranced by the sheer joy of the music and atmosphere of the gigs! I never went to see Mr Wonder again and if I’m honest I probably wouldn’t want to those six shows kind of did for me.

How was that for you, although the name game is in play even the star of the show should get it, this one is late simply because the last one is still trending good numbers, now after 4 in quick succession I intend to slow the pace as I have some cunning plans to carry out, but the juices are flowing so if something pops up you never know, thank you for all of the kind comments for the last one which was completed on the spur of the moment kind of deal, it did ok as well not fab but the serious ones rarely do, I hope you enjoyed this one, watch the skies for incoming and keep spreading the disease until the next time …..Toodles!

With a Little Help From My Friends

I actually have a historical musical blog hot to trot in the wings, but for once I intend to be a responsible adult, yes, I know me with my reputation, its not a down in the dumps blog, its simply holding out a helping hand for anybody who needs it!

I’m no longer drowning; I am actually waving!

If  you have been reading these blogs you will know that I have been suffering/suffer from mental health issues, I’m not the only one out there, again I am doing a lot better than I was, I don’t think that I will ever be cured, but I did the right thing and got help.

It took me over 32 years before I asked for help, something I had avoided (please see the blogs that I wrote as I underwent my treatment) for so long with me and my friends and family suffering along the way in various degrees, I was ashamed, I have no reason why, the issue wasn’t caused by me, I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, it took me over 30 years of torturing myself to realise that!

I completed a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)course, this was meant to be 12 weeks, it lasted 22, I had issues and I simply stopped denying it, I asked for help, nobody was more surprised about it than me, am I cured? hell no, but I have less traumatic episodes and my life is now as normal as it probably will be, every day I continually still relive the same six minutes of a particular episode in my life, but I now have some tools to help me cope with them on a daily basis.

I am more open about my condition than I have ever been, I actually talk about it, allegedly if you bottle something up for over 32 years its not good for a person, who knew! Along the way some awesome people actually stopped, they didn’t have to but they did, they stopped along the way of life and picked me up, I may not see them very often (barely at all these days, thankfully not because I am hiding) but I love those people dearly, no names no pack drill, if I can help just one person in the way that you guys helped me, then it will have been worth it, I have no intention of putting the spotlight on those individuals, except to say thank you, you all saved me from doing something stupid!

No I was never thinking of self-harm, although abusing alcohol to numb the pain was something that was abused from time to time, these people kept me on the straight and narrow when in a confused state I simply didn’t care, I was simply trying to dull the pain, from the moment I got up until I crawled back up the wooden hill in a stupor to suffer all over again with a sleepless night, its amazing what punishment the human body will take! I now realise that some of my friends are in a similar position people who outwardly are doing great, but inwardly are in a knock down drag out fight with themselves and they are losing in the 11^th round.

I have no magic wand, but if I can help I will help, I know simply by reading some of the messages that you people send me that there is a lot of pain out there, ask for help, you will be surprised at the help you will get, some people might be abrupt with you, that’s fine that’s just their way but nobody (unless they are evil selfish bastards) will not reach out to help you.

If I can help please reach out I’m no expert, but it helps to talk it helps to lift the burden of weight from your shoulders, these are proud people but even proud people need help, they may not know what it is that is dragging them down, but please simply reach out, if not to me then to someone who cares for you, someone that you trust, simply ask for help, if you don’t its more than you that suffers in the long run, there is no quick fix, you have to pick up every single day and run with it, if you can do that then you are well on your way!

That ends the lesson for today, you have to be open and honest with the ones that you love allow them to enter your life completely the person who loses in the end is you, don’t be conflicted it helps  it really does, you can get better if I can anybody can, I mean that I had some dark days in my life I howled at the moon on a regular basis, I still have the occasional speed bump in the road, but now life is worth living, I’m not stupid enough to realise I stand alone, if you have family love them, they will love you back, love is not the enemy! I have a simple credo that I use every single day, as long as I wake up happy, I can take just about handle anything life decides to throw at me.

This may have been written on the spur of the moment, but we all need help at some point in our lives, we are all isolated at some point and I intend to help anybody  that I can, I intend to show people the love and respect that I was shown, I reached out to the lifeboat of life and I was hauled aboard by people who had there own issues, but they gave a damn enough about mine to help, we all can help someone!

Hold on Pain Ends!

Toodles!

God I’m starting to sound like a bloody hippy, hang on I need to give my head a shake!

Normal service will be resumed with the next blog!

Sometimes

Sometimes when I get up early all I do is contemplate belly button fluff………. sometimes!

Sometimes I wonder why the papers obsess about Meghan Markle………. Like I do about custard creams!

Sometimes I wonder why hair grows on my body in obscure place yet not on my head……...as if!

Sometimes I wonder why I can only use scissors in my right hand………. because I have never tried them in my left Doofus!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m compulsive……compulsively!

Sometimes I wonder why Elton john thought that Saturday was the only night for fighting…...and not any other night?

Sometimes I make a noise when I stand up…... and it’s not flatulence…...sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder why I am always putting my t-shirt on backwards even though there’s a 50/50 chance I will get it right……ok 70/30!

Sometimes I put my right shoe on first…... and sometimes my left one on first, go figure!

Sometimes I wonder why people vote against their own interest…... because they is dumb!

Sometimes I eat from the fridge…... what do you mean sometimes!

Sometimes I wonder why I vote against my own self-interest…...because I is dumb!

Sometimes I pad about the house like a burglar…... hence this blog!

Sometimes I wonder why people who believe in an omnipotent all seeing, all knowing eternal and infinite god of love can be angry……because we is dumb ass’s!

Sometimes my dog makes me happy……. Who am I kidding he makes me happy all of the time!

Sometimes I wonder if my dog is messing with me……every single day

Sometimes I wonder do I like myself……. every day

Sometimes I wonder do I hate myself……. Sometimes

Sometimes I get emotional……over food!

Sometimes I wonder if fast forwarding through the adverts makes me a better person……. hell yeah!

Sometimes I wonder who the hell reads this stuff……. thank god you lot do

I hope you enjoy this I know it’s a little different, until the next one……Toodles!

War in my mind

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