I didn’t intend to continue to blog in this style, I had
other plans, but they were stopped in grand style, this is what is happening
and what I want people to know.
The world stopped turning only for a split second, but it
has got me on my knees at this moment in time, a true world of pain and shit but
I am not beaten, and I will not retreat! Its safe to say that I am not in a good
place, or a good frame of mind, my love for life and the world just ground to a
dead stop. I lost my job, after 35 years and various different roles the world
stopped shopping and retailers stopped paying their rent or their service
charge, so my company couldn’t afford to pay me or a number of others, it was a
shock, but I soon shook my head and cracked on, what I wasn’t prepared for was
a whole lot of back stabbing and people avoiding the bigger picture, there was
still some lovely genuine people who I have a lot of time for and a whole heap
of respect but there was some a great deal of back stabbing and empire building
going on.
I’m not worried about them as they will reap what they sow
as the blood letting will continue at a later date, its just a shame the way it
came to a halt, if you are one of the good people (you know who you are) run
far and run fast as there will be a whole heap of pain still to come, but this
blog isn’t about them, it’s about me and the hole I have dug myself into and at
the moment I have started using dynamite to dig myself in even further. Music
which was to be the new direction stopped the day the earth stopped rotating
for that nano second, whilst the earth as resumed its course music has been
virtually silent, I am still playing some, but nowhere near as much as I would
normally, I am at home 99% of the time with my collection and I barely play one
or two albums on the days that I even do play music, and its made me angry so
very angry, no matter how much I give my head a shake I know I am hurtling down
a path I have no desire to go but at the moment I have no desire to stop it
either!
I know I can reach out to some truly wonderful people, and
some wonderful people have indeed been so helpful, I can’t thank them enough,
but it would appear that I can’t even help myself which then spirals out into
loathing hatred and anger all directed at me myself and I! I don’t want to
involve anybody, I know this is my worst trait, this is me sending up flares
warning people to steer clear, I am not in a good place, a place of my own
doing and I simply wish not to bite any helping hands, I got myself here I need
to want to have the desire to climb back out of the hole before it gets too
deep, I am isolated and keep knocking helping hands away, I’m sorry its my
default position, why should people want to help me when I won’t/can’t help
myself, damn I don’t even like myself.
I feel like I am drowning and keep refusing to put on a life
jacket god, knows how the family are putting up with the mood swings, nothing
directed at anybody else it’s all internal, its all aimed at me but there will
always be shrapnel, I don’t have a lot of friends and I don’t want to lose anyone
simply because I’m a knob! What’s not helping is my PTSD/BOB has raised there
twin heads and are circling for an opening, the PTSD had been going so well,
but my sleep pattern has been affected which is simply not helping, all the
tricks I was taught and were doing so well with, because of everything is
stressing me out a little chip here and a little chip there is sending my
anxiety levels back to old levels , again I know what is causing it, but all of
my tricks seems ineffectual simply because I am doubting and not believing in
myself.
Nothing is going as planned I have been unemployed for four
weeks and I have applied for 142 jobs three replies three interviews, but
everything is being done through agencies and god they are like car salesman ……fucking
slimy! The main problem is I don’t drive, I knew this would be an issue but
they hang up on you so fast its simply rude, I used to be so good at adapting
and thinking on the go but I am simply doubting myself, it all chips away, I’m
good I know I’m good I have a good reputation within the industry that I work
in, but it means jack shit if it is even a millimetre off from what they want, I
get it I really do but its so impersonal and downright degrading, I feel like a
piece of meat in the butchers being pawed at and then thrown back on the scrap
heap. Now I know this is not a unique situation damn it, I went through it after
I left the army and I had a couple of years working here and there, but after
35 years building up a skill set in one place the world has moved on in the
last year never mind the last 35. At the moment everything is black, as black
as its ever been and I really don’t know if I have the tools to get the hell of
it, I honestly don’t want help I simply hate my life at the moment, it is what
it is and am I’m simply angry at the world and at myself!
The mood doesn’t help me or anybody within my local sphere
(thankfully just the family at the moment) but that will change over the coming
weeks, everything I seem to be touching is simply turning to shit, the return
of “Bob” is stifling any creativity that I have and again I need to get him out
of my life and get everything back to an even keel. At the moment it’s like I am
simply trying to sabotage everything in my life, a reason why I have returned
to blogging as I need to have an outlet other than howling at the moon like the
lunatic I used to be, I have no intention of returning to those days but I’m
hurtling towards lunacy at an alarming rate.
I know I have already pissed some people off, there’s not a
lot I can do about that I feel as though my world is totally Fugazi, I am
placing the sand bags in all of the openings and getting into a siege mentality,
I cant remember the last time I was so angry with myself or even the world for
that matter it’s been a while, all the cunning plans have been derailed as well
just when I thought we could resolve our problems the big guns come out to play
with us and boy they are simply pouring salvo after salvo at us. Onwards like a
good soldier I know I will have these blips but it’s hard and I hate failing!
My/The world has changed I get that, I know I wont be missed
by many at my old place of work, that’s just the way it goes and there is literally
about 5 people who I will miss myself, but I cant look back I have to look
forward and continue to give my head a shake, I can’t fail I won’t fail, its
simply not an option, this blog is not a blog to get people to feel sorry for
me, I wouldn’t want that for anything I am just forewarning people I will bite
in my present state of mind, that’s not what I want but I do feel as though I am
back into a corner and bad things are trying to get the better of me, they won’t
but I need to adjust and hopefully people can adjust around me.
Thank you to everybody who has been kind enough to ask how I
am, I did the first 2 music things and like I said at the start I have been put
on my arse, I need to get music back in my life I cannot recall a time in my
life where I haven’t played music as
long as this, music is the good stuff, music is the great leveller of any mood,
music is simply everything, I’m not sure if I will return to blog on a more
regular basis, I simply needed to vent, let’s see how I feel after this
particular venting, I had intended to do it earlier this weekend, but I got my
ass handed to me and this morning was the closest thing to a proper meltdown
that I have had in a while, I have found the process of writing my notes then
tweaking this over the course of the day has helped, not perfectly but it’s a start,
job interview number two tomorrow, I would like this one even though its for
considerably less than what I was on. I simply want to be back in the land of
the living/working, watch the skies for more incoming, please feel free to
spread the disease, until the next time and no I have no idea that will be stay
safe and stay alive until then though………………Toodles!
