The last
month has gone and life (or my view of it) isn’t as bleak as the last blog
would indicate, life is still crap, but to be honest I don’t care one way or
the other, the last blog still did exceptional numbers even though I didn’t promote
it, it seems you the discerning reader seems to like my misery. I don’t think
that my misery lives on, I feel that I am at the simply don’t care stage, and I
couldn’t give a rat’s ass who is interested one way or another.
Someone
still cares as yet again there is a steady stream of numbers for older blogs, probably
someone looking for the source of my misery. The content of the last blog was
as honest as I could with 95% of the bile stripped out, some people were
concerned enough to try and contact me, as I have said previously, yes, my mood
is black most days, but I have no intention to cause to harm to myself or
anyone in my sphere of being. All I can do is try and do my best each day, as
long as I wake up with the will to take a step forward, I don’t think there is
a lot else I can do.
The boat is
still leaking however I have started the bilge pumps once again with the
intention of making it to the shore line, see I can still do the old boating
analogy, when I want to.
Some of you
have asked why I have been writing what I have and the simple answer is I can
only write something honest, the truth will out, I believe if I try to write
something cheerful (when I’m not) will come across as false and I have always
been nothing but honest and truthful. Life (for everybody) is not always rosy,
sometimes it’s shit and that’s what I am sailing through at the moment, work,
music, life etc, etc is simply not floating my boat, I’m generally unhappy
within myself, I have no intention of burdening anyone with the tales of woe
(except within the pages of my blog) I simply hope by spewing forth all of this
crap it will lighten my load, it hasn’t worked yet, but the intention is to
continue to put my best foot forward.
This has
been without a doubt the hardest part of my life, its not PTSD related all
though that is floating around in the background, I had to go to a new site at
work and it was a long gravel path to get there, I was like a cat trying to
walk on water (gravel is a key trigger for my PTSD) in reality it might be
funny at the time for someone who doesn’t know me, but its pure torture for me.
Thankfully I was given a lift back to the office, I only had a minor meltdown
one that I was able to circumvent by walking to get my bus connection instead
of getting the shuttle to my destination, once at the bus stop, I got on the
bus that takes an hour and a half instead of the 40-minute journey and slept
the sleep of the dead until I got home, shell shocked but all the better for
it.
My new work
colleagues don’t know of my little foibles and so far, I have been able to keep
my quirks to myself, I prefer that there is at least some mystery, at least for
now, as I still haven’t got full time employment I have a year’s probation, and
yes, I can do the job, I simply don’t want to have to go somewhere else to
work, I like stability and the year long probation is waying heavily on my mind
While I do
feel marginally better, I still feel like crap, thankfully the wife hasn’t smothered
me with a pillow yet, she hasn’t poked the bear, it’s a learning curve for us
all, she could still bring a shotgun to bear to give my legs a slap, mind you
she might simply be oblivious and think I’m just being my usual miserable self!
I’m still drowning, I’m still clutching at straws, I’m sure that would make a
good lyric.
One of the
good things I don’t have is Christmas being shoved down my throat at my present
place of employment, you never know I might enjoy Christmas for a change
(highly unlikely) but you never know, faith springs eternal. My health is as
bad as it can be at the moment, my
eating habits being my number one priority to get under control as they tend to
spiral out of control my eating habits are strictly governed by my mood, the better
I am the less I eat, the blacker the mood the more I hoover up, I have put
about a stone on since I last wrote a blog, I know what I have to do, it’s only
me who can do it, I am aware, my problems my way of life, one step every day, I
do intend to get the better of this, I am tempted to ask the dr’s for help if
the run up to the end of the year doesn’t improve, I’m hoping to do better,
going to the Drs is enough of a punishment!
The black
clouds are still black, but I can see some grey clouds on the horizon, as I steer
my ship to fairer winds and safer shores, all I can do is to keep trying, that’s
the one promise I will always try to do, its not perfect but I am damned if I am
intend to life get the better of me, I will do better, I can do better, as
always best foot forward.
So the
intention is to get playing more music, classic or new material I don’t care,
music normally does right the ship, I need to sort my health out the list is getting
longer although most of it is diabetes related, so that’s down to me, I have
tendonitis, that’s simply down to the miles I am walking for work, that is what
it is I can simply try my best and rest up when I get home, my torn rotator cuff
has gotten annoying after lying dormant for so long, I awake each morning with a pain in my neck quite literally and
although it wears away as the day goes on its been with me for about 6 weeks
and as well as this pain I get pins and needles in my hand, so I feel that’s its connected, again annoying
and not helping, my tinnitus has been down to a dull roar of late so thank the
lord for small ,mercies! Having said that my arse is still like a rag man’s
trumpet with all of the wind and crap pouring out of me!
Reading
through my notes as I prepare to write this, I do strip out the bile (honest)
my notes have towards the end of the month have taken a brighter hue than the
earlier notes maybe its just as well I am only doing these on a monthly basis,
if I was still doing them on a weekly basis I would sectioned in a hospital
where they tie the sleeves of their jackets to the back of me, I’m not quite
there, but I reckon I have sailed pretty damn close to that particular
shoreline, so that’s it another missive without shape or construction, I can
only thank the people who have asked how I’m doing, its not you it’s me, I will
keep trying, allegedly!
So, one
more before the end of the year and the intention is for it to be something
historical rather than me simply a miserable bastard as people have been asking
for something to hopefully make me a happier soul (highly unlikely) I have a
number of medical tests in the coming weeks although I don’t hold out for any
new hope it just goes round and round in circles, I bet the only news will be
bad news, its been 4 years so far and I’m still no further forward, lets try
and be optimistic and keep everything that can be crossed will be successful!
So, until
the next time enjoy, stay safe and stay alive, watch the skies for incoming as
there could be a couple of blogs musical and historical being prepped and not
the usual self-pitying bile that the last couple of have been, honestly the
intention is to do better, I can do better so spread the disease and until the
next time……………………. Toodles!
And the man
in the mirror has sad eyes
