No Surprise – Inside the box - Yet another cunning stunt.

 

No Surprise – Yet another cunning stunt.

30- 8-23.

Nearly the end of my week at home (the first of three weeks off) before the big day and there’s no surprise yet again I didn’t sleep past five in the morning, so I braved the world of breakfast (toast for those who are interested) and sat dejectedly knowing I couldn’t do anything until the bride of Dracula rose from her pit, so it was headphones and the classic Aerosmith albums starting in reverse from Night in the Ruts back to the debut, I did a little light reading, and checked the laptops were working fine and checking the numbers for the blog……GADZOOKS they are through the roof, I have no idea why but yup a steady four figures over the last seven days (and beyond if truth be told) to say that I’m gob smacked and that flabber is well and truly gasted is an understatement, I have no idea what’s going on!

The wife ascended the stairs and all was well in the world she had a hair appointment, so I decided just to keep pottering, annoying the little dog in the process but in a nice way, he’s not a fan of the hoover, but he is of the microwave (that’s because he knows his chicken is getting cooked) he’s a grumpy old man, a little bit like me, there I said it before any of you keyboard warriors went there. We decided to have pizza as a treat and all went well until I had a small episode of my PTSD issues, thankfully nothing major but the first flare up in over a year, I had to do my mental exercises to level it off, thankfully it wasn’t full blown episode but it put a damper on the evening, I don’t even know what triggered it, it just reared its ugly head and I was able to keep it at arm’s length, I then snoozed like a zombie for the next hour and awoke feeling groggy, it was like I had been on the drink, except I hadn’t! thankfully “Bob” didn’t tag along for the ride, I don’t think I could handled both sensations at the same time, I’m in a much better place than I have been in the last 41 years but its still difficult went it happens!

The great getaway can’t come soon enough, I was feeling punch drunk so I climbed the wooden hill in the vain hope that a blanket of sleep would take me, unfortunately because I had my snooze sleep it didn’t want to know me, I eventually started to feel drowsy after an hour and I heard the wife starting to climb the stairs as it was time to get in her coffin, I don’t recall much else as the land of nod finally took me.

 

Inside the Box – Yet another cunning stunt.

31^st August.

The countdown continues, another early rise after a rather shallow night’s sleep but I did feel refreshed after the previous night’s mishap, a good solid full English breakfast, and I was raring to go (ok that’s a lie but I was full of good intentions). Lots more music to sooth the savage beast I had done a couple of playlists, so I went with the flow and thoroughly enjoyed them, I may just do some more (oooh there’s a blog that will write itself…..maybe’s) some small chores but there was a load of noisy twunts outside banging and hammering, this could go wrong if the bride of Dracula decides to tear them a new one, thankfully the coffin must be lead lined as she did rise from her slumbers, just as well.

A soak in the bath was needed as the day was going to be busy as the little doggy was off on his Holi Bobs to the wife’s cousin (who will spoil him worse than the wife and that will take some doing but if anybody can do it, it’s her!) bath complete it was time to load the car up, with the amount of stuff in the car I thought we were taking him off to university, yes the car was that full, thankfully we had left a spot in the car as we had to pick our youngest up, doggie dropped of and a lovely catch up with the dog sitters the daughter treat us a meal at the place that cannot be named for some Popeyes, and it was……nice, ok it was really nice for chicken! We decided to go to Costco to fill the car and I was amazed at how many people (cock wombles) didn’t know on what side of their car the petrol cap was as they struggled to pull the hose across the top of the car, unbelievable they walk amongst us or rather they drive amongst us! Because of the queue we thought we would come back so we headed back to Gimpsville!

Back to ours for a suitcase inspection by the youngest, thankfully we passed muster, we jumped into the car and took the daughter off to her rehearsals (for Steel Magnolias) in Mordor, mission successful and goodbyes achieved, we headed back to Costco where the queues were thankfully smaller but  the cock wombles were still out in force as I watched a small Asian lady drag the hose over the top of her bloody big jeep as we got closer I could see all of the damage done as it wasn’t the first time she had attempted to climb Everest! It was wonderful to see the wife chuntering onto herself about “Cock Wombles” I love how I can insert words into her vocabulary and she doesn’t realise it lol, a swift return up the hills and across the delta to Gimpsville, that place we call home!

A swift visit to the brother to drop some house keys off, in the event of any emergency, the daughter would ages as she lives miles away and my brother probably about 800 yards, we stayed later than intended but it was good to catch up and have a bit of a natter, we returned to an empty house suitcases packed and tagged standing in the living room, this is it its really going to happen seven weeks from deciding to do it and actually going we climbed the wooden hill with no little dog to send off to sleep, fingers crossed for a lie in!

No Release – True Colours -Yet Another Cunning Plan.

 

No Release – Yet Another Cunning Plan.

 

28^th August.

As much as I tried, I didn’t get a lie in I was still awake 30 minutes before the alarm would have gone off (I had switched it off honest) off down the wooden hill to wander aimlessly (I should say like a caged beast but I’m more like a caged hamster) around the house, until the sun popped up! The weather was looking good, fingers crossed to day could be the day for the trimming of the bush, I mean cutting my hedge! And my other outdoor activities I would regret it later as the body protests loudly, I will simply have to take it on the chin.

A light breakfast, ok a cup of tea and a Kit Kat ( I can always have a second breakfast) I’m chomping at the bit to get outside my neighbour’s may not me and my hedge trimmer being out too early, I leave it until 08.30 then attack the hedge with vigour its not a long hedge but it is about 7 feet tall I only cut twice a year and I need to get it done before we board the plane, in total it takes around 50 minutes to cut and sweep up the trimmings, but I have put it off for so long I thought I might get some happiness upon completion, I didn’t!

The next task is to paint the front gate, this is difficult as I have to be on my knees for most of it and boy am I in agony, this takes longer than the hedge, and I’m not over the moon as I don’t have much balance on my knees, getting old is crap I may have pointed that out in just every blog in the last ……you get the picture!  So the rest of the morning is spent feeling like a cripple actually not feeling like one I am one, thankfully the tasks complete I don’t feel any feelings of satisfaction, so off for a long soak in my bath hopefully will put some life back into these old bones of mine, I try to make sure my notes are up to date to ensure that this blog/book project move smoothly down the production line

The hedge trimmer/Rubiks cube lies at he top of the stairs as I really have no real inclination to even attempt to put it away neatly, it’s the same every time I get it out, I probably should either take more notice as I get it out or take pictures with my modern mobile phone, yeah that won’t happen you all know me so well,  I can take it out but once dismantled its like a nuclear device I have no idea what’s going on in the real world!

Another lazy kind of evening, more notes a nice light evening meal, and then staring blindly at the opiate of the masses, when did I start doing this? I have no idea, more cooking programs, more Gentleman Jack then once more to climb the wooden hill in the vain hope of a longer nights slumber…...erm help!

True Colours – Yet Another Cunning Plan.

August 29^th.

No surprise yet another early morning rise, go downstairs to see the old man of the house let him out, keep an eye on him as he I s nearly blind and has a tendency to blunder into things, actually that’s me, ho hum what’s not helping this morning is my stomach is off, some scrambled eggs to try and sort the gastric issue, then trying to sort my laptops out before the enforced 10 day silence, its slightly better than the weekend but still a few issues Norton trying to wring out more pennies (twunts!) the bride of Dracula arises and we are soon in the thick of it as we try to sort out the Chinese laundry/Santa’s workshop, House just so if someone breaks in its neat and tidy for them (why cant it be tidy when I’m in it….answers on a postcard) sorting stuff seems to have hit a brick wall since the loss of the Kraken and sometimes the wife is a little more fragile than normal, the wife disappears to do some tasks and I have to wait for the British gas engineer, which seems to be getting earlier every year, The lovely Steph turns up does the task and even replaces the CO2 monitor that the engineer two year ago destroyed as he stepped on it! She admired the doll’s house that’s at the top of the stairs that the Kraken bought for the kids that they never had any interest in, it now hangs around our necks like an Albatross, I told her she could have if she so desired for nothing (you can tell the wife wasn’t in) all she had to do was turn up with a bevy of strong burly men to get it downstairs, she said she would have to check with er partner as it is rather large (massive more like it) she didn’t its bigger than most modern builds ah well it be dragged outside and set fire to at some point, watch this space!

On with the chores, bins sorted and cleaned, bathroom cleaned washing in, dishwasher full (I’m a keeper me) then there was a cry for help to deal with a damaged ankle, good deed for the day done (you only need to do one) we headed to the Krakens house to make sure all the stuff that needed to be done was done, who knew that going on holiday could be so exhausting? Off to Tesco’s to make sure we had three weeks of winning lottery tickets (not) there was a few episodes of stroppiness from both sides of the wire, simply because we were both tired, we need our bloody holiday, it can’t come around quick enough!

Then return home and we got the evil eye for parking our car where we normally do, from people who don’t even live in the postcode, I honestly thought that the wife was going to rip limbs from bodies (they were going to the pub…..Feck off) the rest our night was quiet with no breach of our defences we were good people with no petulance, I dozed and soon headed back up the wooden hill for another episode of only five hours in bed, me bitter hell yeah!

Angels – Hand of Doom - Yet another Cunning Plan.

 

Angels – Yet another Cunning Plan.

 

August 26^th.

Before you ask did I get I get a lie in, no I bloody didn’t I was wide awake at 3.40am, I had slept I felt refreshed but damn it I wanted to stay in bed just a little bit longer, having said that I can’t complain as Bernie Marsden and Chris Overland headed for the big sleep, both nice people, no cause of death posted, I met Bernie just the once when he supported FM of all people, a great storyteller, a man with infinite time for people who wanted to say hello or have a photo taken, generally a bit of a chin wag, one of the nicest people in rock, Chris Overland I only met twice once in the marquee  where I offered to buy him a pint, he declined but did say thank you, and once at Newcastle Mayfair where FM playing and that time I did manage to buy him a drink and again he said thank you.

As I said I didn’t get a lie in, although I did try to go back to sleep I was determined not to get up, it didn’t work like that, although the intention was to have a lazy day for the first day of my holi bobs proper, a lazy breakfast (scrambled eggs if you are interested) and some light reading, I waited for the wife to rise from her pit like a bride of Dracula, ok so I woke her at 09.00 why should she have all of the fun! The hurricane got up just a little later and actually had something for breakfast (kids today don’t understand the beauty of breakfast or even a second breakfast). As it’s a Saturday I tend to watch the TV in the morning (Saturday Kitchen, I can’t cook as good as them however I can aspire to can’t I?) an early lunch, just a sandwich I was saving myself for the big meal later on, I had an even lazier afternoon simply watching the rain from my kitchen window, the hurricane went home, all sugar and spice, when he got there it would appear he turned into the bastard son of the Tasmanian Devil, we were in the middle of Tesco’s when we got the call on the Bat phone, we could have done without this, yet again we turn up like the fire brigade to try and cool everybody’s beans, I spent the next 40 minutes trying to sooth everybody, the whole house is on edge, I don’t get it, I truly don’t understand the condition but at least I do try with a small modicum of success.

Good deed of the day completed, we return to Tesco’s, by now I’m in a foul mood (mainly because I’m hungry not because I’m annoyed with anyone) we wandered aimlessly up and down isles we don’t want to do a big shop purely because we are jetting off soon, and either the food could (cough splutter) go to waste or I will eat everything in one swoop! I didn’t enjoy my evening meal and I went up the wooden hill unhappy and in a bad mood with myself simply because I was unhappy, pfft go figure! Tomorrow was going to be another day, a day of chores weather dependant, my intention was to get as many of the tasks on my list done, I would probably drag the wife to do some of hers as well, kicking and screaming but what the hell why should she be happy if I’m not!

 

Hand of Doom – Another cunning Plan.

August 27^th

Yet another crap night’s sleep, maybe I should have had an adult drink or five, probably wouldn’t have worked anyway, I awoke to the pitter pater of the rain, so my tasks outside weren’t going to happen…...Bugger!

I awoke however with a sense of impending doom, I went looking for Bob, but he was nowhere to be found, when the bride of Dracula came down stairs (early for her) and I told her how I felt she shared she was suffering the same feelings, except she had had it for weeks, great so the planes going to crash, I did what any normal bloke does I ignore it and pushed the fear all the way down into the pit of my stomach where it could stay for an eternity. Really wanted to trim my bush, let me rephrase that, I wanted to cut my hedge but with the rain it was a no go, so I attacked my list of tasks with vigour, and I soon made short shrift of them.

I was starting to look like the walking dead by now as my wounds were starting to catch up on me, I needed the help of my elbow support, my body is revolting quite literally, I probably should have had some powerful painkillers and dozed, however I was a man on a mission with a list of tasks and I wasn’t going to get distracted, that was until the wife wanted to start the packing, so like a dutiful husband we packed and then repacked, started to get a little fractious, we both decided to go our mutual corners we didn’t want hostilities to break out anytime soon, well not this close to paradise.

And it still rained I thought I was going to need an ark; I don’t mind the rain but I had put off my chores for as long as (any) man can, now I was feeling petulant and worried that I wouldn’t complete the task. (Bloody hedge) I was also trying to sort out my laptops out as they were being temperamental and with me being a god of technology, I was trying avert a crisis, I was probably wasting my time as I wasn’t going to be switching them on for ten days so I really was wasting my time by the time I come back I will have to through all the same crap again!

Finally, I made an effort with my bottle of Gentleman Jack, three drinks and it had no effect (other than to make me peckish) and I decided to stay up late to see if that would make a difference in my sleep (anybody taking bets it doesn’t) pattern, eventually as I climbed the wooden hill I had just about everything crossed for a nice lie in tomorrow.

There you go two in one go small but perfectly formed, the last one didn’t kill the numbers, but it didn’t set the world on fire either, but who cares (probably only me) I will type the next two back to back, however I don’t have a title in mind for the first one so I will probably stress over that for a couple of nights, I hope you enjoyed these two, the next ones will be here before you know, however until then Toodles!

oh and yes the name game is in play!

Confusion – Yet another Cunning Plan.

 

So, it came to pass in a biblical sense, a cunning plan was going to actually come to fruition, if I was still doing books this would be the next, and yes, the title would be Yet another Cunning Plan! As I’m not doing books anymore, I will be relaying the tale of the last fortnight and a bit here in (hopefully) short travel style blogs, so if I can decipher my notes in my trusty black book (I should have been a doctor with my scribble) strap yourselves in as its going to be another bumpy ride, we even go to war with a foreign country, we are a way way off from that just yet.

August 25^th.

My last day at work, and the intention was to carry out some shock and awe get in and out super-fast, with light casualties! hopefully it was going to be an easy day and a sharp exit, boy did I get that wrong, no surprise there then, I had a two-hour meeting that was dragged out for five hours, none of us were happy its Friday for goodness’ sake and I have pack my Netto bag with clean undies. The easy day became a grind but I was determined to be good, I wasn’t going to growl at anyone (my stomach did as I didn’t take any bait) the day dragged and dragged even the journey home seemed to take for ever, I don’t do well on no food, this boy was heading to Grumpy Ville!

Thankfully while I was taking my diabetes reading (it was super low) food was prepared and devoured quite quickly, we had the hurricane staying with us and he had been supercool, he’s very good at masking any issues so we usually get to see the angelic side of him, maybe’s my Bark is just a little louder, my intention was to actually have an alcoholic drink or three, yes you guessed it, that didn’t happen we plodded on with small tasks to assist with the getaway with our cunning plan, I headed up the wooden hill at 11.30, which is a little late for me I was hoping for a lie in, you will have to wait for the next exciting chapter to see if I got one! I do not get much sleep at all at the moment I seem to average about 4 hours most nights, it catches up with me much later.

These are going to be short and sweet as I’m officially back to work and I’m still attempting to support the wife, so when I can I will be typing these up, I had hoped to do a couple this afternoon but as always life got in the way, the really short ones (ones under 500 words) might just end up with having a couple of days mushed together, there’s at least ten blogs with some of them looking as if (judging by my notes) they could be nearly 3000 words (gulp) I might have to do some judicial trimming lets see how this goes.

And that was the first blog in ages, even though we are in high digits for the last couple of months and so far this year I have had 109626 hits on the blog, yes you read that right if I was to average that out over the 559 posts as all of them have been hit at least once nearly 200 hits a go, its mind blowing, it occasionally gets hit like this once in a blue moon, the site has had over 8000 hits since the last blog, even that one only did low triple digits, let’s see if I kill it with a new blog,

So here we go, they won’t be daily but might be every two or three days depending on the size of the blog so stay safe and stay alive until the next blog (sooner than you think…...honest) enjoy as good a life as you can………Toodles!