The Whalers Dues

This has been an incredibly hard blog to write, and its turned out to be not the blog intended (thank god I couldn’t deal with any more death threats) but once I got this particular bone between my teeth I have been determined not to be beaten. At times there has been an enormous of bile and hatred, which is why I have beavered away on this missive, the intention has been not to be full of hate in any way shape or form. I know I have failed on that score, at least I tried to be a better person(hahaha yeah right) The idea formed on a night out to a wedding that me and the wife attended, not our usual crew, I knew only one person, so I had to be on my (tee hee) best behaviour. I struggled as I wasn’t having the best moment in my life at that point, but I tried (and failed miserably) but at least I tried!

I had never physically been in the venue before, but I had been past it loads of times, a typical working men’s club, good honest people, salt of the earth, you know the kind, all that I love when I go for a pint. At some point in time the world has moved on and has changed, I’m a tad (ahem) large (not as large as I used to be but not slim either)I have the fashion police call on me on a regular basis, the wife has helped me wonderfully, however If you dressed me in Gucci or some other famous fashion branded clothing, I would still look like a bag of shite tied in the middle, it’s my shape and size, not me I’m just not destined to walk the catwalk, and I’m alright with that, Jeans and T shirts is fine with me, however as previously mentioned the wife has steered me in the right direction on a regular basis.

At some point in time though, and I’m not sure when, the world has become a fashion statement, people of all ages trying to dress to an age that they are not, I’m not against people having nice things, I believe I would prefer that you had common sense more than the fashion sense of a teenager at the age of 60! at this wedding all of the ladies were trying to be as glamorous as any famous fashion models (insert the appropriate name as I don’t know any….yes I am that clueless)  now some of these ladies were , how can I put this politely, I don’t think I can but I’m going to try, plus size, and not that there is any issues with that, I’m not a super model myself, but surely somebody looks in the mirror before they come out and at some point even myself would go WTF, why would you do it, some of the blokes weren’t exactly Brad Pitt (more like Arm Pitt) but the clobber simply looked out of place. I thought I was in downtown Miami not the neck end of the town, I’m all for people having aspirations, but WTF!

I wondered at the sights unfolding, some of them had more attitude than Beyoncé, damn they were beautiful, trust me you weren’t, now I’m not saying that these individuals should become shy wall flowers, but you should have some level of acceptance of what you look like and should dress accordingly, trust me a 26 stone lady should not be wearing a mini skirt, I kid you not, there were one or two ladies there that were just as large, however were covered in a much more fashionable manner and dare I say it in a much more demure way. Now this isn’t an isolated sighting, as I have wandered through any part of our green and fair land and there are 50 + people who weigh more than 20 stone who if they could get away with it would be out wearing bikini’s its simply not cricket. Maybe we should beat them around the head and shoulders with a cricket bat.

Now I can hear you all saying where is the bile where is the hate filled messages and all the other things that I had promised over the previous few blogs, well I have actually thought more about this blog than any other posting and at times this blog was in excess of 8000 words , it stands at around a more manageable 2100 (although it’s under constant review)at the moment, it was like me and the people in this blog it was HUUUUUUGE! But I have kept whittling away at it, some of it was not necessary and I didn’t want people to think that I was a horrible person, I can be at times, but I honestly try not to be.  It has happened overnight we have become the 51^st state of America the amount of clinically obese people, and I count myself among these people I was 11 stone at the age of 40 and by the age of 48 I was double that, I have had a couple of years yo yoing between weight but I’m now heading in the right direction, I would ideally love to lose another seven stone but it’s still small steps just because I have lost three and a half stone doesn’t mean that I am going to keep it off it’s a battle, but at least I know what the cause is, and hopefully will conquer the issue one day at a time.

But I personally do not stand around in bars or other social occasions trying to look like something I’m not, by all means I applaud you for your gumption, even if I was 11 stone, I still wouldn’t have the balls to go out dressed in the way that you do. I love people watching and I have just realised that this isn’t a new phenomenon! Why The Whalers Dues, it was a song I had been playing a lot at the time of the initial germ of thought for this blog and in heightened moments of the odd diabetic coma ( I suffer them on every other day) I had visions of being out on the North sea with the waves buffeting my craft, the waves wafting my lustrous long hair (hahaha) as I stand in the bow with my harpoon gun trying to actually spear one of these lovely harpies! No maybe, it’s just my vivid imagination, either that or the drugs do work. I now gaze at the vast herds of wildebeest and its only actuated by the clothing that they wear.

At work or at least whilst travelling to and from and all around site (I see some sights), I see these people who looked fine, who all of a sudden become clothes horses with modern clothing were now they simply look uncomfortable, people who have had the same haircut for years and then they decide to do something different but’s it’s like Gary Oldman’s hair cut in the fifth element , simply weird and all obtuse angles, by all means do something different make yourself happy but maybe not magenta or purple, grown men (and not necessarily fat although they usually are) who are dressed in bright colours and are fitted out with something that their own teenage family would deny as living in the same post code never mind the same family group, dayglo pink sued shoes with mustard jeans and similar dayglo patterned t shirt with a jacket that costs £300 but in reality is worth less than £30!

I shake my head on a regular basis, no I am not better than these people I simply wonder what is going through their minds and what caused this particular fashion revolution! Why does everybody have to dress like a teenager, by all means you all deserve the opportunity to feel like you are happy with life, in reality you just look sad and angry and for what, hey if it makes you happy good luck to you, I have to admit I see an awful lot of sad and angry older people out there, now don’t get me wrong there are some people who look fab, but they know what style suits them and they have their own special look, not something that’s been bought off the shelves of Primark for a four stone chipolata.

I guess what I’m trying to say is enjoy life, find your style and go with it, own but please stop being a sheep, you are of a certain age and a certain size, you can still look good, you can still feel good, we all deserve some thing for ourselves, the original blog was full of anger and bile, I would have been better off standing in my back yard and howling at the moon, I have no idea what set me off, I have no idea how I had accumulated so much bile against the world and people who I don’t even know, what the hell does it matter what I think, it doesn’t, I suppose it means that I am as human as the rest of us, I never said I was perfect but maybe just maybe I’m not as bright as I thought I was.

I have to build a better version of me, not just for my sake but for my family , my friends and the people who enter into my sphere of habitat, my bus journeys, my hobbles around Gimpsville, just generally being outside, I’m not better than anybody else (not that I have ever thought I was) and I don’t strive to be, I need to live each day being the best person I can be for the my own sake and in reality everybody else. Wear what ever makes you happy have the haircut that makes you look like a twat (I’m only jealous) life is too short that doesn’t mean at some point I won’t be in my boat trying to harpoon whales when I see them!

After sitting on this for around 18 months and it having a number of retweaks, over that time period, I was determined that it would be published at some point, the longer I kept it the worse it would be, I know this was never going to have the potency that the original had, even the reasoning that I had at the time is now obscured by the passage of time it had the potential to raise the wrath of the population of the entire north east of England as the entire population could have taken exception, Even the FBI wouldn’t have wanted to help me and my cause, and as I have already said life’s too short!

So there you go the last blog of the year, there is enough bile left in my to cause me enough trouble in my personal life, it’s not what I want, but sooner or latter its likely to come back to bite me in the ass, why should I add to my tales of woe! As always I thank everybody who over the last few years has taken the time to read my drivel, trust me it helps keep me sane, thank you to everybody who has meant that the site has had more than 50000 hits this year, lets see where this one gets us too?

The next year as already mentioned is potentially going to be the last year as my intention is to bow out when I hit the 500 mark, this is number 450, I need to up my game and hopefully bow out on a high with some historical, some funny and some general observations on life the universe and everything, this last year has not been the happiest from a writing point of view, as a person I am moving in the right direction, all cunning plans, I must get out more and visit friends, the people who mean so much to me, they may not know it, but yes beware I intend to turn up on your doorstep at some point in the coming year, now that’s a promise that I intend to keep!

So, keep spreading the disease and tell the world, watch the skies for incoming, I seem to have wandered off the beaten track of late, this will be a bumper year for life blogs, historical, maybe even hysterical ones and everything else, until then……………………Toodles!

Over the Top

Well this is very nearly the last blog of the year, work has kept me busy so I have not gathered any thoughts, I know its been nearly three weeks, but I am old, lets see what happens shall we.

Only one more before the end of the year and I am determined for it to be “The Whalers Dues” well at the moment it is but, never say never, I could always delete it rather than publish the bloody thing, I would hate for anybody to think that it’s a pile of poop! We shall see, consider it an end of year present.

Looking at the way the blogs have been running, next year will potentially be the last year of the blog as I head to the magic 500 number, I shall need to up my game and be full of positivity as I would like to end the blog on a high note, numbers have been pretty damn good even if the last one has taken an age to be the best read blog of the year, seriously numbers have gone up year on year, this one will potentially take us over the 50000 hits, was the last one slow simply  because I was being honest or was it because I used a Billy Joel song title well done to those who still have a go at the name game, and no this one is not a motorhead B side it’s the title track of……ah that would be telling you!

Tomorrow is my last check up of the year, my health has been rather shitty for the last couple of months, my number one objective for the new year is to get better in every sense of my being, and hopefully I will keep the updates to good ones as infrequently as I possibly can, my intention is to out run the sandman who doses me just about every night as I tend to snooze in the living room most nights, I know I can do better.

Cunning plans are still afoot , but I will keep my powder dry and run silent run deep on the progress of these cunning plots until I literally have something concrete to report, but things are progressing at a snails pace, its still progress, today was a busy day, up with the larks to go to the dentist, I bought the wife some flowers (simply because I can, no I had not done anything stupid, well not that I am aware of anyway) did some more decorating, went for a hobble with my youngest (which I regret as I am now bloody crippled) crawled around the loft trying to find  out how the vermin are still getting, in made tea for everybody and now I am sat here typing this (I told you I was a busy boy) I then intend to sit and be pleasant with the family (well it is Christmas) I may even have a glass or two of Jack.

Tomorrow I have another long list and I intend to crack on with it, lots to do, nothing to do with Christmas at all, everything that needs to be done has been, nope just a shit load of stuff, I like being busy, I wish I could be more busy, however life has caught up with me, and it keeps kicking me in the seat of my pants, so I will do what I can before I collapse in a heap, or fall asleep at some point , who knows I simply take each day as it comes now. Next year I promise me and the wife will be more social and that is a promise as long as the wife isn’t working a late shift give us a holler we will be there…..Hopefully!

At some point tomorrow night I will sit down to watch some version of A Christmas Carol/ Scrooge/Scrooged and then the festivities can begin, I hope you all have a fantastic time , I hope that you all get what you want, I just want to cook the dinner on the day (my one true bit of joy) then get on with life.

So watch the skies as the next blog has been a long time coming, and it will be the last one of the year, so eat drink and be merry, because on the next I cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war, its time to get some serious blogging done, until then………..Toodles!

Honesty

I should have completed this yesterday, I’m being honest as that’s what the blog is about, I really couldn’t be arsed, I had a couple of days leave, and I intend to do a few things in an around the house but I awoke to a serious case of Tonsillitis, my get up and go had got up and buggered off!

I have written (once or twice) about my health and mental health and I have to be honest with myself more than anyone else it feels like that I have been waging a losing war! I do not intend to give up the good fight, however it has not been as easy as I was hoping it would be. I had an appointment at the quacks regarding my diabetes and although they are happy with my progress, I’m not, I always set higher standards for myself (it’s part of my main issue) and I always struggle to maintain those standards, unfortunately this time I have to not only achieve the standard, I need to surpass them, my weight has become stagnated, it’s a slow slippery slope back to comfort eating and not giving a damn, that’s not a good look I can assure you. I have another appointment on Christmas eve, and I am determined to have lost weight by then, if I haven’t it might have to a more drastic approach.

It has weighed heavily on my shoulders and it seems as though I have been  swimming against the tide, although I have been confident, I feel as though I have lied to myself, and I need to redouble my efforts, because of this my mental health has slipped ever so slightly, again this is an issue regarding my weight and my diabetes, thankfully my PTSD has been kept at bay and I seem to be doing  well with regards to that particular issue, but there are other issues picking away at me like a scab that I don’t seem to be able to resolve, nothing serious, it just means that my confidence is leaching away, once this happens it’s a downward spiral, thankfully I’m not quite there yet, but I have been teetering on the edge, I doubt it will take much to tip me over, but I am working to be that better person that I always strive to be.

I have been doing quite a bit of reading on how to deal with these issues, mental exercises to keep me in the present, not to float off back to more darker times. the fact that I can admit to having  an issue is the best thing that I can do, I don’t really want to go back and ask for a course of treatment as I feel that there are many more people out there who need assistance than I do, and I know how long it would take for me to go through the ritual of going cap in hand asking for help, that is not me putting road blocks in the way I simply know how the system works, if I genuinely thought I needed help I would ask, I’m a dumb ass about a lot of things, my health is not one, I should have asked for help a long time ago, but I didn’t so I now have to bounce backwards and forwards dealing with the crap in my head, I would say I’m a good 60% better than I was  before ,at the least the ship isn’t sinking anymore, however if the bilge pumps stopped being efficient, I would most surely suffer.

I get emotional now, something I never did before, I was told I had a lack of empathy towards most things in my orbit, it doesn’t take me much to feel emotion starting to rise, at times I get swamped by it, as I simply do not know what to do with it, as usual I hear the voice in my head saying “suck it up butter cup” sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, as always as long as I wake up happy I can just about get through most days, sometimes I’m a tad distant but then again I think I always was.

I’m aware of friends and colleagues suffering with issues, I know the signs now, purely because I have from time to time gone through similar issues, I don’t think that I’m particularly good at helping people but at least I do try, I always start at the same point: -

Hold

On

Pain

Ends

Its true HOPE sounds strange but it’s the one thing that gets me through, because the crap does at some point end, its crap at the time and it does feel like it goes on and on and on, eventually  it does end, but then at some point it will all start again, it’s how you as an individual deal with it, you need to have some kind of positivity in your life, even just a smidgen at the starting point, you need to have good friends, and I know I do, I simply live far too far away from them for them to help as much as they could, I’m not one to ring people (I’m not a fan of the telephone I believe it’s the work of the devil) but every now and again I receive a phone call out of the blue and it’s so good to know that somebody thought of you just for a second on something that some people might consider inconsequential but to me it’s everything.

Keep your friends close, your family too if you have to, I know not all families are happy, so start with your friends and take it from there, help people , smile, say hello, you would be surprised what good it will do, there are more people suffering from mental health issues than ever before, if you do not suffer congratulations to you and hopefully you will never suffer, but they say at least 80% of people at some point in their life will need assistance in some way or another, so stay strong and if you can lend a hand, lend a shoulder or let them bend an ear it costs nothing to listen.

The last blog was the best of the year (numbers wise) and it’s still going fairly strong! Some people took the blog the wrong way, although I wasn’t in the best fettle, but I was attempting to right the ship, and I kind of succeeded, in a way, I am pumping (literally)  the bilge pumps, manfully holding me above waves, life is crap but I don’t care, I can have my off days, but it’s all peaks and troughs at the moment I am upward bound, it’s the downhill slope that I am trying to avoid.

I promise that this will be the last introspective one for a while, I do intend to do some historical ones in the coming weeks, although there may be a slight gap between this and the next one as I have 12 days of hell (not Christmas) before I get a day of with many other things needing to be carried out in between, so needs must, I shall be running silent and attempting to run deep ( I say this and never do) and again attempting to be a mature adult (cough splutter) and help the wife and my kids and my grandkids (yes even grandkids can have issues trust me) then friends and to be honest I am a soft touch I will do anything I can to help people, honestly I am not trying to avoid my own issues, until the next time, keep watching the skies and keep spreading the disease, as I always say at the end of these missives……….Toodles!