Sunday 31 March 2013

Easter

OK so that is exactly how it should be done, a wild and wonderful night with some great company and just one or two jolly japes and only one knob joke....as far as I'm aware that is!

The week wound down to me feeling sorry for myself (again) for some reason, OK the trip to the dentist didn't help and a wife bleating on at me for working for a living certainly didn't help! I had a number of blogs written including one called "don't stop running" which will now be transposed into the new book which after much invigoration I hope to have to the printers today fingers and everything else crossed(watch this space)!

Good Friday was actually chilled  but was soon spoiled by the eldest (again) getting freaked over nothing and a massive row ensued (over nothing) I will admit to having a shorter fuse than normal, although if I'm honest its all bluster, this isn't the kid we raised, this surly selfish cuckoo that has presented herself back into the nest, I feel sorry in some ways because she isn't a bad kid but.......do the crime do the time, the rest of the night was spoiled by said outburst and I sat glowering at the wall rather than making things worse (me with my reputation).

Saturday was more of the same, a van was required to go collect the rest of her belongings which apart from locking ourselves out of the van it went without incident....sort of, thankfully stress levels sank again after the outburst in the morning, a more even keel we had arrangements to meet some like minded peeps I needed a break I really did!

Once everybody was sorted out we took our time getting ourselves all fancified, even the wife was on time! although you could see the eldest sinking into a more morose mood, I chivvied the wife out the door and we were soon in contact with the forward parties, this may have been going to be a smallish affair.....but if I had anything to do with it it was going to get messy! the wife bumped into peeps as soon as we were through the door and although I knew at least one it was all girly talk so I got the drinks, and waited, then like a young puppy G was there and as always E had that look on her face as though she is being punished (she's luuurves him really) E couldn't understand why I was sat where I was (girly things ...babies etc etc) she soon understood and settled down the party soon split and the rest soon joined us and the madness began in Ernest who the feck is Ernest I have no idea, but we were talking about Emily Bishop for strange reason! the drink flowed even SMOR turned up with a posse, mind you I nearly glassed one of them when they said "are you from Stanley"? WTF calm me down with inkyhol stat!

Everybody was on superfine form even the Campbell who discussed war wounds with the wife and then started sassing the girls for their wordplay (too complicated, when I lose the will to live I will tell you.....so the next blog is sorted then) we stayed in Lick Your Hoop for a while before heading off to the Five Welders and the mountain that is the only path to the bloody Loo's, the wife descended into coffee hell and took the pip as I wouldn't order it for her (if they get it wrong I'm not equipped to make difficult secondary decisions) the night flowed and it was the complete antidote to my blues although E thought my photographic memory (hahahahahahahahahahahahaha) might be getting used to source material for this blog....as if!

As always the night ended way too soon and we said our goodbyes and headed back to Gimpsville to make a sandwich and hit the hay as the clocks had already been put forward and it was late we headed up the stairs, to dream of small cunning plans (mainly in the writing department ) and the thought of G smashing an egg of his bonce, sorry if I have been a tad negative boys and girls of late, I do promise to improve, sorry this is shorter than planned but I have book to finish and a deadline that has been pushed back by four weeks already time to crack on and burn up the keyboard until later....Toodles!


Friday 22 March 2013

Pillow Talk

A strange type of week with good things and bad things in equal measure and blog numbers through the bloody roof so it all works out in the end!

The Tee Hee Club last Sunday was absolutely bloody fantastic, great people, great crack and a bloody good time was had by all, the alcohol was divine and much laughter and hi jinks and a few cunning plans thrown into the mix, all in all it's what life is for and although I know we can't have as many hi jinks as we would like, every precious moment is worth it.

Work (although I should have been on holiday) was just bleurgh, it has been better it has been worse, some interesting twists and an awful lot of games being played, with me sitting in the back of the class, watching and waiting, the numb skulls will fuck up at some point and I will not do my told you so dance too often!

Thanks to SMOR we  had a chance to see FM in Newcastle mid week and although i was looking forward to seeing Vega the first support band it was a pointless exercise as the venue is pathetic at the best of times from a PA point of view it was like listening to a male voice choir in a cement mixer, we took two songs and headed back to the rear of the hall as the volume was giving me even more tinnitus than usual, the sound improved slightly for It Bites, however for a widdly prog band it wasn't anywhere near good enough even for the main act it wasn't perfect, that is the biggest issue with the bloody venue cheap and nasty PA, the band as always were excellent, and we sneaked into the meet and greet and got a thumbs up from some willing participants for the mother of all birthday parties next year (me and the wife hitting 50) and although it's not going to be cheap (I hope I get my bonus next year) we have a starting point and if that's what it takes then that is what we will do watch this space for further(lurid) details.

We also as always heard more unsettling tales of SMOR and his pillow fetish, but it would be naughty of me to allude to anything in this blog (mind you the cheque hasn't cleared yet hahaha) we left and headed back to the cold north and were soon snug as a bug. I decided to (cough) work from home the next day (basically I could not be arsed to haul my ass out my pit)  I also had a dentist appointment with a new dentist so I was filled with dread from the off, the reason I will put in a book at some point (head over to Blurb .com to see the all ready published works of art!) so the day dragged and certain people annoyed me just a bit (the main reason why I wasn't on holiday) but I was a brave soldier, pointless being anything other as it is what it is, hell if I can stand getting tattooed I'm sure I can endure any hell that they put me through (allegedly) watch out for next weeks blog to see if I grew a set of balls or did I leg it like the chicken I probably am.

And that to be honest is that, nothing too much has happened but the weekend has arrived with not much other than a load of bloody snow coming over the hill, which is not big or clever either, as it's Easter next week and the clocks go forward and, and, and oh you get the drift (and hopefully not the snow variety) so I'm hoping to finish the new book after a quick visit to the hospital for a new  appointment to find out why the wife is still being used as a snipers target, OK so she keeps going down like she has been shot, it's not big and it's not clever, but hopefully some answers or even just some light shed on the issues will hopefully help!

So watch the skies and all the other bullshit I normally spout Summer is coming allegedly, so until then keep your powder dry Toodles!

Saturday 16 March 2013

Fatalistic Attitude

Life as always just keeps grinding on, and with that all that goes with it, is annoying in tandem even the smallest annoyance winds me up, happiness has been in short supply this week with work throwing huge curve balls that some of us expected, just not so early in the contract, but as always good things are as always followed by bad things and a 5% percent wage cut is not making me anymore jolly!

My lift returned to tell me about sandstorms and armed police and camels you know the things that make up Arabian holidays it seems like he had a good holiday, but he was soon like the rest of us as the tidal wave of crap that is work crashed over the harbour (so glad it's not just me) wall and brought him back to reality, I didn't help matters as I wasn't his usual safe harbour as I loaded him up with even more work, oh dear get on with it!

Life at home was more of the same,a child shouting on (not me for once) the eldest doing not a lot other than being a pain (no change there) and the wife going down (steady) like there is a sniper hiding in the dark places of the house and me just having to get on with it, no rest for the wicked or so  they say, I was thinking that this week could turn itself around as we helped an ageing lady celebrate old age disgracefully, OK so one pint of coca cola for the wife and me being the pig that I am, enjoying three pints of the black stuff, still nice to be with people who have no agenda other than being.....friendly! and on the way home arranging the first proper Tee hee Club meeting of the year which regardless of earthquakes, meteor showers or any other catastrophic event I'm going to attend so fuck the world!

Writing has gone on this week but only in small bits and pieces, although even with the mood I'm in it has been on the lighter side of life so hopefully a few seeds of happiness will germinate in my soul as, I will admit to not being the happiest camper in the world at the moment! I am struggling with certain things in my life I know my issues and as always I am striving to be the best person that I can be, and once again I am turning to music (not drink) to help me through these dark days, not that I don't intend to have a drink but it needs to be with the right company and for the right reasons, other wise I know I will do and say things that I would without a doubt regret. At my age I want to enjoy my life and ensure that my love ones get to have the same so I struggle not to pour my poison into their well of drinking water, they might see it as that, but trust me in the old days it would have come to a bloodier quicker ending! so help me calm my buzz and lets move on together.

For years I was an insular person and now that I have friends I know I would miss them all,but it can still be tempting to press on that self destruct button unfortunately as I get older I'm aware of the consequences of my actions, so thankfully that does temper (most of) my decisions!

One of the curve balls thrown my way meant that I had to hang back and get a bus home, no problem there (apart from the extra cost) and I was thankfully at the front of  the queue to get on a plague carrier homeward bound, and for once it wasn't overly full and I just wanted to rest my weary bones in the first available seat that already had a battle axe from my distant past ( I remembered her she didn't remember me but more of that in a bit) now she looks as though she is in her late eighties (a fact she plays on) she is in fact about seventy (if that) and as she sat there with her shopping bag next to her, she was using it as some kind of defence mechanism in the vain hope that nobody would want to sit next to her, wrong as she glared at me as I stood waiting for her to move the bag, I positioned myself to sit next to her she loudly objected, too late was the cry as I plonked my pert bottom on the seat next to her, I politely asked(yes I can do polite) what her problem was? to which she replied that the seat was for the elderly and the disabled, I wasn't going to take any prisoners as my mood was not exactly conducive to dealing with retards like this, so I went into cripple mode, "then I can sit here as I have had  major surgery on both my knees" to which she tutted and then she muttered something under her breath, this was going to be way too much fun and I really wanted to cheer myself up ! "Pardon" she then muttered something else, once again I asked her to repeat her comment as I went straight into deaf mode, she then went into "I didn't fight in the war (WTF you were a dinner lady all your life whose claim to fame was that you had spent ALL of your life in Gimpsville) to be spoke to like that"! oh this was going to be good I went straight into bullshit mode and for the jugular at the top of my voice retorted "and I didn't fight in the Falklands, Northern Ireland or the first Gulf war, so that you can bitch at me because I wanted to sit in the seat reserved for your shopping! which war did you fight in because you were a dinner lady at Moorside school and you were a stroppy cow then and age hasn't mellowed you! I do so apologise for breathing your air after your shopping spree in Poundland, after I have just completed a near 12 hour shift so that I can pay my taxes to keep you in the luxury you so rightfully deserve, and I now travel home so I can get home to look after my disabled wife is that OK with you!" cue spontaneous round of applause from the passengers as it turns out she had abused another pensioner who had dared to try and sit there earlier on in the journey. It was so funny because even the driver asked her to remove her shopping as it was being obstructive! Now I take no pleasure in making somebody feel so small in front of a crowd or the fact of lying about my military service (I left the day the Falklands were invaded I did serve three days in Northern Ireland as part of  my training and was a lunatic well before the Gulf war) I have over the last thirty plus years seen this miserable woman make people jump through hoops purely because she could, paybacks a bitch and I stayed next to here all the way home hahahahaha! it's the little things in life that help me tee hee!

The rest of the week just poured away like thick syrup,all gooey and with me not really wanting to be all touching and feely, I met my new (big) boss to be, and I thought it was funny as I walked away from them, to hear my boss describe me as somebody as a person with a fatalistic attitude (!) cue running back to my office to dig out the CD with the song of the same title on repeat when ever I could, music really does help. I wish people did view me as a happy person but at such a late stage in my life I believe I can only play with the hand I have been dealt and I can promise it is not my intention to do anything but try and bring some kind of happiness to each and every one of you all as you pass through my orbit, so I will take a deep breath and pull up my britches and strive to be the best person that I can be, even with all the melancholia tha runs through me.

The amount of people reading the blog has been wonderful and we are fast approaching the 5000 mark, thanks to all the new readers and the old ones (go buy a book or ten hahahaha) and I was over the moon to see that Nils is still playing the name game ....badly, keep spreading the disease I see some light on the horizon and it's name is G! so until the next time when I put fingers to the keyboard (actually I always write this gibberish out long hand first) play nice and if you can't do that just have some bloody fun, life is way too short .......Toodles!

Sunday 10 March 2013

The Univited Guest

Week 2 in the Big Brother shed and life is just as cack as ever, but the world keeps turning so we need to keep trying....so I'm told!

The wife is officially war wounded and although she has suffered for all of the 21 years I have known her (and not just because of me either) the pain she is going through is mind blowing, seeing a normally strong willed person in tears and having to rely on morphine just to get some kind of rest, watching her trying to go the through the motions is heartbreaking. tomorrow she will try yet again and get yet another appointment for somebody to give her even just a little bit of pain relief.

Work has been grinding away, not for any other reason than I'm as per usual dealing with stupid people and the quantity of work is mind blowing, normally I could duck and dive but at this time of the year the is no room for manoeuvre so it's heads down and crack on, I'm even having to cancel my weeks holiday that I'm due to take next week, for obvious reasons, I do not intend to take a weeks holiday to babysit I need to recharge my batteries but if I do it at the moment I don't think that it will happen which in turn will end up with dummies being spat out and toys being thrown into the corner which I don't really want to be involved in, my tongue is being well and truly chewed on at the moment and not in a good way.

Riding the Plague Carrier has been a bit of a pain as well not even my usual seat baiting has helped although listening to music has indeed soothed the savage beast (that would be me!), tomorrow my lift returns and no doubt I shall have to endure tales of Arabia and some such other tales of mystery ah well back to the grinding stone I suppose!

The hurricane being here 24/7 is also wearing especially as Princess Toadstool seems to think that we are here simply to be at her beck and call, if there were some sign of appreciation I wouldn't mind but as always .....nah lets not go there.

Writing has been cancelled until the bile has subsided (any day now) and a new publishing date has been confirmed as the last day of the month, more than likely it's all for the best I think I need to get my head around it if it's ready before hand it will be ready with another Toodles edition coming exactly four weeks later, and then concentrating on the Toodles editions until October when the next all new all singing and dancing book is produced, cunning plans are being reviewed all the time so watch the skies.

Again a lot of heart felt thank you's, as people keep enquiring to me about my general health as some of you seem to think that I'm sinking! no not really just fed up of waiting for something nice to happen, it's a year since the mother of all road trips, (Vegas Baby) and I feel as though I sold my soul (in a good way) to go there (and what a fab time I had....read Rest Rooms Of The Strip if you really need to know all about it) but have endured over the course of the last year, being sick while waiting for the plane should have been a dead give away, and I still can't wait for the opportunity to go back and do it properly with The Tee Hee Club (by doing it properly I mean not being a plague case so that everybody has to go at my pace) and yes I think I will come up with a cunning plan for the return bout I'm sure the gang will go with the flow even if we just go to find Kes!

For the rest of today the intention is to go and see some old hag as it's her birthday (78 or something close) and we need to marshall our troops as our youngest is coming with us (as long as we can keep the raspberry ripple off the morphine)  a short journey and then it shall be a full blown assault on South Shields as we need to kick off the season with a bang, as it's so long since I have had proper company at a drunken level, I have been missing my weekly episodes of Weld!

So that's the plan of attack it's all on an upward cycle and yes I will try just that little bit better to be a happier camper because truth be told I hate (against all expectations) being a misery guts I could (actually that should read we) do with some sunshine for our souls so buckle up boys and girls we could be in for some clear air turbulence in time for the next exciting episode so until then FOAD and Toodles!

Saturday 2 March 2013

Photograph

It never rains but it pours, the shit that has been bubbling away in the background boiled over and since the last blog everything has turned to rat shit, but you know what but the world has kept turning and I know some people ain't happy with my "don't give a shit attitude" that's just too tough it's got me this far, so fuck the world and the horse it rode in on.Thankfully some canny words of encouragement brought me back from the brink the lady knows what to say at just the right time!

Work was OK for the best part, but on Friday it just started to unravel, everything coming to a monumentus fuck you at the close of play, we trudged through the night but a series of rants pushed me close to the edge, of which there would have been no coming back from, we slept on it only for me to wake up with the Hurricane's knees in my back and the slow realisation that it hadn't been a dream.

We had had an outstanding cunning plan that had not come to fruition, thanks to Mother Nature kicking our arse last weekend, so the grand romantic gesture was put on hold, we both needed a pick me up and it was going to go ahead by hook or by crook, the ball set in motion but the Kraken threw a curve ball that was carefully deflected and put into a holding pattern we were still ago and off we went, as always though a Magpie flew past and before I could salute and say good morning me and the wife were in full anger mode and at each others throats, mainly due to external circumstances we needed to vent and that's what we did, something over nothing and the wind blew the stress away(literally as I had not returned to the land of flatulence) we arrived in Gosforth quite relaxed and we picked the Professor (as he shall know be known as) up and headed to Jesmond Dene.

A few months previously I had realised that we had no photo's of us as a couple, apart from our wedding photo's, I hate my picture taken, it's like a small piece of my soul is being taken, and I will not let it go quietly, every time a camera is produced I do a runner I have never liked my picture taken even when I was skinny with a full head of hair (yes I remember ancient history) so as a gesture to the wife I suggested to her that we should use our good friend the professor to take us on a shoot, once we were back on track there was no turning back, so with clean underwear attached we arrived at our destination.

It wasn't really what I expected I had expected, something totally glamorous....erm no it was me and the wife taking the piss with the professor adding the odd insult, so it was all good! the shoot (hey I know all the lingo I'm a media whore darling) flew over and apart from a few moments when I felt as though I was a member of a reformed NWOBHM band member(short fat and bald) it was all good, actually the experience was not what I had been concerned about, relaxed, entertaining and in all honesty fun spelt with a capital F. shoot completed we bade our farewell although we worried as the professor had forgotten his angina spray so we didn't know if his overworked ticker would take the strain we even did our best Zoolander pose!

Once back in Gimpsville we sat with baited breath and ordered Chinese food and then all of a sudden they were there and you know what, OK so I look my age (a sprightly 27) they look great, just what the doctor ordered, a great tonic for the troops and we will no doubt argue which is the best shot (my fave is the one with the wife sticking her fingers up at me! we are not a conventional couple) I did have a few niggles mainly how fat I looked and the fact I still look like a bag of shit tied off in the middle, the wife looked Fab it was great to see her taken out of our continuous shit loop and for her to enjoy herself!

I was going to do this tomorrow but with yet another deadline day looming and with a HUGE list of chores to do, I realise I need to focus and trust me I had nothing else on my dance card! thanks for the words of encouragement (you know who you are) things are what they are but I'm not giving up just yet so watch the skies a new book should be on it's way by the next blog is ready and I know life is shit, don't worry about I always knew it was until the next time .....Toodles!