Made to be Broken

So, for once not a song title but taken from an advert for ice cream, yes you guessed it no name game for this particular blog, I have toyed with the idea for most of the day wanting to write something just left of centre, I have no idea if I have done what I wanted to, let’s see what you lot think.

My health has been all over the place over the last week from the very depths of hell to the heights of success, but as always, I seem to be getting ahead of myself, bear with me! I came down with a case of galloping gut rot last week, I simply wished I could roll over and die, I kid you not, it came from out of nowhere and took my legs from under me, I projectile vomited into the bin under my desk, not a pretty sight at all, and I can only apologise to those who got the whole gory picture (sight and sound so to speak) once expelled I thought that I had won the day, I was to be proved wrong, so very wrong, it lulled me into a false sense of security, let’s just say I lost all of the following rounds and ended up a corpse on the settee, thankfully I felt better after that, only just.

I managed to get to work the next day (what take a sickie…… I think not!) feeling slightly refreshed, Saturday I lay around like the proverbial loppy dog, Sunday we were up with the larks and decided to sneak across the border and go and see some of the south shield massive, we had some food which was lovely! The day went slightly off centre as we got distracted and headed for home later than intended and after only making one actual stop we all felt guilty on the way home, best laid plans and all of that, actually I felt a little well, strange to say the least, as it was much later than we had planned, we decided to get something quick and easy for our late meal, this did not sit well with me, I was laid up like a pregnant blue whale, large and in pain, thankfully no repeat of Thursday, but when I awoke up the next morning my stomach was still off and the journey to work was fraught with potential for danger with a capital D!

At some point I realised that I had to try and drop the kids off at the pool (think about, think about it……yeah there you go) thankfully there was much relief , my day progressed in a better frame of mind, however my day was still impacted (quite literally) and I headed off to bed as soon as I possibly could, is this to be my life under the current health and fitness regime?, the next day I was up like a rubber ball being thrown for a puppy, damn I was bright eyed and bushy tailed, people were not exactly happy to see bouncy bushy tailed me, go figure! Tuesday was a much better prospect and although I had to deal with work and all that, that entails it was a good day, Wednesday I was at the quacks for my monthly session at my diabetics clinic I was over the moon to have lost yet another six pounds of fat and a further conversation regarding my ongoing health, it turns out because I have lost all of this weight my body simply cannot convert large doses of food, so the upshot is eat less you greedy………I’m sure that you all get the picture!

So why the title for the blog , well it would appear we are fragile and as humans we straddle a fine line of good health and ill health, I prefer the former, and although I hadn’t really over done it with food (all good no junk) my body simply went on strike, so I need to make sure I keep doing all the good things and simply not over do any more of it, it’s not a good feeling I can assure of it, I prefer the health bouncy bushy tailed me then the wounded soldier crawling over broken glass version that I become once I over indulge, more planning required I think, but I do promise to be a good boy!

And that as they say is that, nothing too profound simply stating I need to be ever vigilant in a mass of mediocre food and I have to avoid the black dog of despair which has a tendency to drag me to the fridge simply because it can. The end of the month and the end of another small missive, keep the comments coming we seem to hit a rich seam and the numbers are bloody fantastic, lets keep this groove  going, keep spreading the disease and watch the skies for the next blog, hopefully incoming will be sooner rather than alter, so until then……..Toodles!

Self Portrait

So here we go rant alert, please don’t say that I didn’t warn you, I have been such a good boy so far this year!

I am so glad that I was born when I was born, we were that little bit more well-mannered and we weren’t self-obsessed (damn I’m sounding old) technology didn’t rule our lives and best of all most people were not fat, I can say that because …...yes you guessed I am a fat person.

Since when did the entire population become so damn self-obsessed, it’s all me, me, me!

People on buses applying 32 layers of makeup, people on buses using hair straighteners, I kid you not, plague carrier travel is turning into a ghastly nightmare with both boys and girls preening and taking selfies left right and centre! Ok so peeps wish to look nice, I get that I like to see nice people but for gods sake do it at home and be like normal people and that’s normal without the silent AB in front of it!

Selfies I simply do not get, I know I am camera shy at the best of times, I think I have the face for radio, but what is the point, if I have my picture taken its usually at gunpoint, if I understood the point of it all I probably wouldn’t care as much, not that I care that much anyway, or do I? seeing as how it is the main rant within this rant I simply do not understand it. Oh, hang on yes, I do I’m simply……...old!

I’m not against anybody having a wonderful/happy time, I just long for simpler times, I’m sick of watching the walking dead with phones in hand whilst pushing children in prams and said children actually have their own devices and are gazing longingly at them, in my day you didn’t pick up a book and attempt too walk along the street reading it. Again I just think I was born a little late and if I’m honest I probably will only get worse, hey don’t say that I haven’t warned you!

Hoods up indoors and whilst in vehicles travelling either on public transport or while driving your car, when I was younger people who did that simply got battered around the head and shoulders, ah the good old days flat caps and common sense! why would you do it, what has brought this slightly ranting missive I have had to deal with a number of incidents in my daily job and the bulk of these have been caused by these dumb ass’s simply taking selfies, going to work one day I watched as a young lady fell off the bus as she took, yes you guessed right ……a bloody selfie! I really do hope it hurt as much as it looked like it did…………big ouch!

My wife does it, my kids do it, as a family we are not immune, I simply think that I was born in the wrong time, can I be grumpy hell yeah, mainly though because of my hatred of modern life, and most things technological, I know some of you are going to hurl severe amounts of abuse because I am blogging on a modern media medium, it’s about the only thing that I do like about it, everybody is entitled to an opinion, usually mine.

I’m now in touch with my inner being and am starting to calm down, it would come a lot faster with a cup of tea and a custard cream (oh the good old days) yum yum.  it’s nice to have a little rant from time to time, you may know this if you are a regular reader, I promise that normal service will/should  resume with the next blog (allegedly without prejudice) I simply had to get this small missive off my chest, so onwards and upwards, keep spreading the disease until the next time…………Toodles!   

Intruder

I know, what you think, I steal your thoughts, I know, how to leave my mark, I know how to disturb, I know what works for me and doesn’t work for you. Like a thief in the night

 Dark thoughts can be like the intruder within the title!

Many people at some point suffer from the “Black Dog” of life with issues that affect them mentally, be it by being Bi Polar or suffering from PTSD or any one of a number of maladies that can affect people / individuals in their everyday life, you are not alone, many people at various points in their life suffer from this issue, dark thoughts through the ages have been with us since the dawn of time (allegedly) but now that we all have become touchy feely thankfully people can express their feelings and have a better understanding and a much better quality of life than in the past, life is not perfect but it hopefully  is getting better, as the saying goes (HOPE) Hold On Pain Ends!

Most mental health issues go all the way back to childhood, you have absolutely no control what your future holds, something that happened in your past no matter how innocuous it could be, can raise its head like a Kraken and decimate you in later life with no say what so ever, now the intention of this little missive is not to degenerate anyone who is suffering ( I do myself, you might have realised after some of my blogs) there are more people with issues than you realise.

Now some issues are self-inflicted and some people are just so self-absorbed its unbelievable (oh no I broke a finger nail- I kid you not) there is also the rise of the “brat” / “the deserving generation” who are the most entitled in the world, believe me I deal with the public on a daily basis most of these people just need to give their heads a shake, they may have issues, however you would define them as mental, as opposed to having mental health issues, there is a huge difference!

Some/most people tend to use alcohol to mask their issues, god knows I did, thankfully I realised (with the help of some very good friends) the damage I was doing, to the point I wasn’t waving I was drowning, what a difference 20 odd years does last year I had 6 yes that’s right 6 pints of Guinness for the whole of last year and a couple of bottles of Bud at a friend’s bash, yes you read that right! total, how decadent have I become, I am trying (I know this because the wife and just about everybody who I work with keep telling me) to have an alcohol free year, simply to see if there is some correlation to my mental health and drink, I improved last year (well I thought I had) it’s not to say that I will never drink again, I do love a pint I love going to the pub, it’s a great pastime, and believe it or not I bloody miss it! but if you have issues alcohol is not the answer, why? Well because you think you can cope all on your own, in many cases you can’t, if you have issues ask for help, you will be surprised how much friends and family want to help!

Try to have clear thoughts and its easier said than done, I know this but if you can focus on the positive no matter how small it is, it’s so much stronger than the negative, that little chink of light has more strength than you realise, it’s that power that saves you in the long run, the sooner that you realise this the quicker that your pain will end (damn I’m starting to sound like some new age guru) I’m only saying what I have experienced, everybody is a work in progress you will have good days you will have bad, but that’s what’s life is all about and if you have the right tools in your hands then you can achieve whatever you need to, it’s not a magic wand but baby steps and one at a time as opposed to trying to run away from it, it depends on what you want in life, me personally I simply want to be happy, have good health, surround myself with my family and good friends and I know I have some good friends.

Set yourself positive goals, start small don’t reach for the stars, if you do you will fail, and the black dog will devour you, you lose it wins! We need to win, it’s what life is about, do not think that you will win every time , so savour every single win it is vital, the potential for dark days ahead is always within us, no matter who you are, no matter if you are rich and famous or simply Joe Public, there is always something that could take you down that rabbit hole with Alice!

This idea formulated as I published the last blog and it was fresh and bright in my mind, I notice that since it percolated and it has become stronger and darker so I have had to get it out of my mind, the intention is that this is meant to be a hopeful message, I’m hoping that somebody who has had or is having issues can take some kind of positivity (there’s that bloody word again……….hippy)  I know that I am not the perfect being ( I know you all think I’m pretty damn close) I am still a work in progress, but I would say that I’m about 80% better than I was this time last year and that’s simply by taking baby steps, I’m not a hugely competitive person, I normally couldn’t give a rats ass if I win or lose, but in this instance I will not be beat, I will do one step at a time, I now I will fall, I know I will slip and I certainly know I will stumble, however what I do know is that I do intend to win.

The opening and closing paragraphs of this blog are a kind of riff on the original lyric from the song that I’m using as a title for the blog, it is not the original lyric and to be honest I’m using a free form jazz version of the music…….in my mind! I’m playing the album to death at the moment and although it’s painted in dark overtones, it’s not a depressing album and it does empower me to strive to be a better person (maybe you should play the album more often then, I hear a lot of people in my sphere of influence mutter under their breath), and that’s me done, not what peeps were expecting I bet, but that thought struck and I had to get it out of my damn brain, otherwise it would have festered  and eaten away until I  wrote a bile infested blog!

I know, what you think, I steal your thoughts, I know, how to leave my mark, I know how to disturb, I know what works for me and doesn’t work for you. Like a thief in the night.

 Dark thoughts can be like the intruder within the title indeed!

Toodles.

Gates of Delirium

A new year starts and I am so full of positivity it’s unbelievable, ok so I’m full of crap but you lot knew that anyway. but I have to try and put a positive spin on it lol!

The new year started with everybody except me succumbing to either food poisoning or people turning into some kind of snot monkeys, myself I was unaffected, I simply bimbled on. I have been trying to be a good boy weight wise (a loss of 5 and a half stone in just over two years means I must be doing something right) and although I wasn’t a naughty boy over Christmas, I still felt guilty, I have no idea why as I have been positively bloody angelic, while everybody else had been  gorging and stuffing themselves silly and heading off into the realms of a gluttonous overload, I tried (being the operative word) to be sensible, all the things I have been trying to do finally has been successful and the weight is starting to come off, its keeping it off that’s the hard part, and trying to climb back on the healthy horse has been (or it seems to me to be ) bloody difficult.

Not that the weight loss has given me any additional mental clarity, I went to bed last night and just before I nodded off I had a massive dose of inspiration for this blog, or was I dreaming? because although I have wracked my brain this morning I simply remember that I allegedly had a fantastic idea…...D’oh! no surprise there then. I will thank you all for keeping any sarcastic comments to yourselves than you.

The new year also came with some very interesting questions from you lot, mostly regarding the coming year, and to be honest I have no cunning plan, I never have had I usually just waffle, you may have noticed, the only thing I have planned is that the 500^th blog should be my last one, as I have indicated that’s still a way off so don’t panic, the intention hopefully is too do more historical ones, again as indicated I’m hoping to avoid miserable musings simply to annoy those of you the discerning readers so that you don’t get what you want…….go figure! The main question and you lot do seem to take notes, is what do I intend to do with all of my notes and collections of unpublished works, I would like to think some of them will be used in some form or other, its simply getting all of the dots to join together, oh and to take as much of the bile and depressing ideas out of them! All I can do is try, watch this space.

Life isn’t a bed  of roses ………wait, maybe it is because  I feel as though I’m under tons of shit at any one time (see what I did there, see I can do humour……allegedly!) the blogs will be whatever inspires me for the coming week people, work, family and most of all friends,  as long as I keep notes when inspiration does actually strike. We have a number of cunning plans (allegedly) going forwards as to what we intend to do, I just need the wife to join in and accept some of those plans, I know I need to offer her as much support as I can, as her health has been decidedly crap in the  last 12 months, the food poisoning certainly didn’t help, it seems its one step forward and then two steps back for her, she is stronger than me though so I know that she won’t give up or will driven under the heel of certain toxic people!

As for me it’s onwards and……………sideways, isn’t it always the same, I need to concentrate on everything at the minute and my bile spewing consciousness has not been very conducive for a productive  life, so I know I need to dial it back just a tad, me with my reputation go figure. I’m hoping everybody got what they wanted over the holidays, I’m hoping that all like minded people continue to have a harmonious time in their lives (can you tell I have been listening to a load of…………..well I cant tell you other wise the name game would be obsolete)  so here’s the deal you keep reading and I will keep writing them, even great blog inspirations like Mick Wall and Dave Ling go missing in action from time to time, so here’s hoping that I can keep the pace up!

I do feel as though I’m on the edge of a spinning plate  of late (look at that I’m a poet) and although I do feel as  though I have more control in my life than I have had in over 30 years, its still not comfortable, I know though that I will ask for additional help if I feel I need it, how adult do I feel at this moment in time, not very if truth be told but I am trying, I know you all think that!

So that’s the first one of the year over and done with not as exciting as some people probably thought it would be, still longer than I thought it would be, but you have to start somewhere, again it will be governed by the ratings, if a blog is still generating good numbers the next one will not arrive until the last one has stalled, I don’t wish to dilute the pool so to speak, going forward year on year we (and I’m including you the discerning reader in this) have improved with viewings, I’m hoping to finally break the 40000 barrier for the year, I seem to be doing something right if you lot keep coming back to read the bloody thing, go figure! let’s see, so keep spreading the disease, passing the baton and all the rest of the rubbish I usually spew at the end of such blogs (not simply to raise the word count as some of you seem to think) watch the skies for incoming, the next one might be here sooner than you think.

Toodles!