Distances

Life seems to be toying with me still and is making sure that life the universe and all other things in my sphere of influence is being kept at a distance, it’s been a while and I am being harangued to blog, I must be loved, stick through the intro because this is intended to a happy blog, well as happy as I am right here right now, as always, I jump ahead let’s start at the beginning………...are you all sitting comfortably, well let’s begin and let me take you back in time!

Where do I start I suppose I better let you know that I am alive (only just) and have been working my little tail off, incidents in the real world have meant my work load has simply gone through the roof, one man doing the work……..no I promised I wouldn’t go there, let’s just say I was a broken when I walked away in July, and to be honest this is my first attempt in writing anything since then, so this will be a tad bumpy so bear with me, I’m not even sure if I can do this still, I will let you guys decide.

I was unhappy really unhappy, out on the perimeters edge I just wanted to be free, I wanted the world to stay away, a run of bad luck and although I do try and stay as positive this was different, I felt strung out I was too tired to fight and everybody did indeed feel like passing strangers, my twinkle was diminishing, it really was that close. Thankfully I realised and pulled back from the maelstrom and tried to return to an even keel, I’m not there yet but I’m also not beat either………. go figure!

I was sick of writing misery or at least that’s the way it felt my sanity was stretched and I really did feel like I wanted to cause some serious damage and I didn’t really care, and that’s not what it was about the wife and I simply had no good life experiences this year to speak of, and I wasn’t in the mood to look back I needed something positive, music soothed the savage beast however it could only hold my temperament so much.

I retreated away from as much of life as I could, I was unhappy with so many things I simply wanted to disconnect because I had no point of reference, I don’t think that many people were happy with me and I don’t blame them, and I kind of understand why people have a tendency to keep their distance, especially because of my moods, my skill set is limited and trying to kick start my broken ass life sometimes takes a lot more than I can muster.

So I sat and stared at life hating it, and everything in it I was grumpy (yes I know me with my reputation) I hated Facebook and everybody’s perfect lives (don’t shout at me I know that people have issues I was feeling sorry for myself ……for once) I hated work I hated stupid people I hated people who I didn’t know and mostly I hated me, the wife bless her kept hitting me with a stick to keep me in some kind of semblance and we pottered on!  , life was work and work was life as simple as that, it’s all that filled my waking hours, I was able to retreat into the nightmare  that my sleep allows me to have, I felt tattered and torn, I needed something to cheer me up, it didn’t feel like it was going to happen anytime I got extra shifts dropped on to me (which I do for nothing bless) now if you know me I love my job, however I simply wasn’t feeling it, hence the mood swings.

So, the wife was at work one Sunday and when she came in she saw me sat in my usual combat shorts and grubby t shirt(well a man has to eat), I was told to get dressed as she wasn’t staying in a minute longer than was absolutely necessary, I huffed and I puffed but to no avail, and I was soon sat in the car slouched like the petulant child I had turned into, I had been allowed to take an album with me, the wife is usually suspicious so I went for something a little easy on the ears Queen – A Day at The Races.  The wife tried to make polite conversation (what’s the matter with you? dumb ass!) she happened to mention that it was somebody’s birthday  and yes I guessed it we were doing a sort of reunion of The Tee Hee Club, I was no longer Mr Misery but I was scared oh so scared it had been over eight months since we had seen our dear friends, and I was feeling giddy, I was happy (so this is what it feels like) the journey was over in a blink of an eye, we walked as quickly as good manners would allow us and soon we were back with G & E (she’s a lady you know) and various others including Mr C and his tales of beard biting (don’t worry I won’t bore you the discerning reader with the gory details all you need to know is that Mr C won) much humor ensued both happy and sick, G is now known as Gandalf of South Shields (thou shall not pass………….Kes!) the birthday girl turned up with the master of the royal flight, more happiness ensured including a picture of three buffoon’s (the public voted and that is the official name move over the three tenors) only a few drinks and simply not enough time to spend there (I was up at 04.30 the next morning for yes you guessed it more work, what else would it be) the one thing I will take from the afternoon (well OK more than one thing) firstly true friends don’t forget you, this is something I need to remember, my problems are really none existent compared to many others who have serious difficulties in their lives (suck it up buttercup), I was so happy to see how much better E was (she’s a lady you know) so much better so perky and back in charge of G, as we used to know it, this was simply the best medicine, it was great to know that the Keg had resurfaced on G’s travels and that he had suffered because of it, I also didn’t want to know about E’s toilet habits in the camper van, all I can say is that you should go to bed before sunrise young man!

The afternoon flowed into early evening and it was about to be over as quickly as it had begun, we said our goodbyes and I know I had a tear in my eye (or was it hay fever) we were invited to tag along with the birthday girl for food and wines, sadly finances and time was running out, we headed back to Gimpsville on the wings of joy, we both really were happy ( a first in such a long time) the drive seemed to stretch back  into normal time and in the dark I couldn’t shout salutations at the donkeys as we came back to borders of this outland, I’m sure I went to bed with a silly grin on my face with cunning plans to blog (because I had something to blog about for once) I awoke at the silly time I had to, had my breakfast,  got the black book out and made some notes, as I was about to turn the laptop off it said upgrades were about to happen, so I wandered off letting it strut itself, what could go wrong?

Plenty, when I came back that night from work, I felt the urge to blog that’s when karma bit me in the ass, I couldn’t get on my blog page I then spiraled off into misery as I tried everything that I could to reclaim all of my information, as I sit typing this, 7 days later I still haven’t, I hope that I can do some fancy foot work to get this posted. Once again, I fall at the first hurdle with technology, the only thing that I am positive about is that life will end sooner rather later, but I do also realise is how wonderful my friends are and the fact that they put up with me and my stupid moods is  unbelievable. So, what do I have to do is pick myself up and dust myself off, I’m not going to win every day I just need to wait for the right day and let the wind in my sails take me to good times.

Work didn’t get any better peeps sticking their oars in where they aren’t needed, revenge will be slow and very painful I dragged myself over the finish line and here I am on holiday (not sure how that’s going to pan out) little things sticking me like needles I’m not better, but I am better than i was, because I spent an afternoon with some great people, yes I know we need to do it more often, but work and finances keep being a pain, onwards and upwards, can you expect more blogs? yes you can just not yet , I’m still a work in progress I’m not fixed just running less raggedly, but the inspiration I have felt a lot better for doing this so who knows it might be sooner rather than later, I intend to keep fighting, that’s it done I’m not going to labour it, I have enjoyed it I hope you have as well and now hopefully E (she’s a lady you know) will stop picking on me to blog, watch the skies until the next time……………Toodles

And the man in the mirror has sad eyes!

---

The Company

Here on the hill.....................

This is not a piffle re-tread this is an actual blog…………………go figure!

It’s been six weeks since my last attempt at a blog and again it’s all been part of my little social experiment I have been conducting! I have been fooling myself of late and I basically have needed to give my head a shake. Apathy has been the order of the day for no other reason than I have felt sorry for myself, nothing major, nothing approaching doomsday just slightly off kilter!

Ill health has been kicking my arse since the beginning of the year and I just can’t shake it, I sort something out then another beast raises its head, it’s all a bit tiresome. It hasn’t been funny, I have also been suffering from severe allergic reactions which have been decidedly scary, the last one wiped out my entire day, I have no idea (neither does the Dr) what has been causing them, but let’s be honest, they have scared the living crap out of me, no dark humour on my behalf, I am taking them very seriously.

The wife has been poorly as well she had 8 weeks on the sick (a long boring medical explanation if required is continued at suckitbuttercup.com) and no pay has holed us beneath the waterline financially, with little or no social interaction, life has decided to pick on us this year, this year has been a no hold holds bare knuckle fight every step of the way for both of us, it’s meant to get easier.

Work has been a ball ache, the fallout of the Greenfell fire in London has seen my workload literally just go through the roof, massive workloads with little timescales to deal with the workload, add everything else into the mix is why I have been keeping a low profile, I initially did this blog as a fun thing, and I have noticed that there’s huge amounts of darkness in amongst the blogs, even after I have said that I am going to pull my socks up, I have struggled and although I do feel positive within me, I am struggling to show it. I feel as though not only have I been burning the candle at both ends with work and the wife’s need of support, it feels at the moment I have then gone and taken a flamethrower to the middle of the candle and let’s just say I feel a tad off. I feel the time has come for an overhaul.

Originally I wrote a blog after some night out with dear friends, these have been few and far between, hence the colouring of the blogs have been Black with a capital B, no matter what I tried, I even attempted to do some historical ones and they simply came out pap, I know how critical this is for me and so therefore I have decided to place myself on the bench, after I post this blog I intend to give myself at least 12 weeks away from the blog, numbers have been steady with people still visiting and reading all the old blogs (on average 30 hits a day for old blogs from all over the world) so I know that there is a readership, maybe misery does indeed love company!

I am ok in the grand scheme of things, my health and the financial constraints of our already fragile social life have played a huge part to our problems (We still receive visits from the RAF squadron based out of South Shields which are very much appreciated) and to any of my

friends (actual) who do read this we are not avoiding anybody, and we will return to your open arms as soon as we are back on an even keel. So, don’t despair we are waving not drowning, the blog will return, at some point I’m not sure in what format sometimes you have to tear stuff down to restart all over again, this is genuinely me trying for once to put myself and my wife first and foremost, we will get there, I just don’t know when or how.

A big thank you to all of the people who have messaged me over the last few weeks from all over this blue pearl we call planet earth, I am maintaining radio silence and will be running silent running deep , if I can recommend an album to play while doing this it would be Lonely Robots stunning new masterpiece the big dream, the first ones pretty awesome as well so until the next time, whenever that will be, look to  the skies for incoming, I do have a cunning plan I just don’t know how to put it all together………YET…………….Toodles!

Me I Disconnect from You!

So, this will be short and sweet and if you guessed that the title is a Gary Numan Song, you have probably guessed my mood, I seem to have fallen out of love with being a social media whore!

I have been disgruntled over the last few weeks with “my” status on various platforms and how much social interaction I actually have with my actual friends (that’s people who I actually know in the real world) on line, I’m not expecting to be the centre of attention (that’s what the blog was for) but I am aware that I have little actual social interaction even with stuff that I post for humour, so I have decided to do a small social experiment,  the fact that I am telling you all my plan, must give an indication of my intent.

I’m not depressed, I’m not attention seeking, I’m somebody who is trying to connect or should that read as reconnect on a human level with the world, I have been grumpy most of my life and it’s something I want to change, the blog is not the answer, I thought it was but it appears that I am fooling myself, so for the moment I intend to suspend all connections (well sort of) to the modern age, no blogging no posting album covers no humorous pictures, no ranting or raving, no liking of pictures, you get the picture, I will be here, I will be checking messages but I intend not to instigate any interaction, I will respond to messages, I’m not a philistine!

I have a few issues and I think technology is feeding them, I had a witty exchange with the wife on Sunday which nearly ended up being world war 3, something I’m keen to avoid, and I believe it’s a chemical dependency on technology, well that’s my excuse, and I intend to stick with it, will I keep writing I believe I will, I have a nearly completed month 5 Blog 95% completed and it won’t get posted……. not in its current form. Am I done with the blog? I don’t think so, you never can tell with me, on Sunday I could write up a storm and post 32 blogs (ok a slight exaggeration) in one go, however I need to shake my approach to both my real and my virtual life, so this is not the long goodbye, this is simply Toodles until the next time!

Enid Blyton Damn you to hell!

Enid Blyton Damn you to hell....actually I’d rather you didn’t I was a sickly kid when I should have been taught to read and write at school, and because I wasn’t there it had a negative effect on my early school life I sort of got left behind in the wake of everybody else.

So my mother took it upon herself to “help” me (that just meant more lessons when I got home) now my handwriting to this day is not what you would call the best (but I do mean well hahaha) not like my brothers who has the neatest handwriting I have ever seen and I do mean ever! But reading with the right nudge was slightly different, I picked that up pretty quickly in fact I was soon leaps and bounds ahead of the rest of my year, once the penny dropped I enrolled in my local “kids” library and soon ploughed through about 90% of their entire stock in the space of two years I devoured just about everything in my way I was taken to the library twice a week in the school term more in the holidays, I remember one summer holiday getting books out on the morning and reading them before close of play and taking them back (only because we were visiting relatives and it was on the way) and being told off by the senior librarian (who was in a huff because he had been there all day) “wasting peoples time if I hadn’t wanted to read them I shouldn’t take them home” at which point my mother stepped forward and ripped him a new one informing him that if he didn’t believe me about me reading them ask me pertinent questions about the books in question, when he said that wasn’t necessary, my mother rounded on me and fired a number of questions at me, which I answered without a hitch. Me and Mr. Scott got on great after that.

At the age of eleven I applied for a senior library card (you had to be fourteen in Gimpsville’s library) and Mr. Scott give me a letter of commendation (They did things differently back in the day and not all bad) and I had to go before some old codgers and demonstrate what I intended to read, they were flabbergasted that I wanted to read everything, not just gory things, I only applied because in the junior library I could only get three books out at a time, but on a senior card I could get six, now at this point I was getting three out on my mum’s card weekly which was eating into her own reading habit, but I think I inherited my love of reading from her, I didn’t watch much TV at all as a kid something the wife looks at me as though I am  the anti Christ, but reading for me is special I can lose myself in the thrill of a different world, place in time in history, you get more detail from books than you could ever from watching the TV.

By the age of fourteen I had read everything I wanted to at Gimpsville's library (I did keep clear of the vast collection of Mills & Boon selection) but if it had even the vague hint of anything interesting within the covers I was like a cheap suit and was all over it. Thanks to Mr. Scott he got certain sections rotated more than other libraries in the area (anything historical) and he did indeed broaden my horizons from a book reading stand point he guided me to books with a more adult theme that where easier to read rather than just diving in! He was just what you need when you start out in the big bad world of reading.

When he retired after about forty years he gave an interview with the local paper saying that “it was people like” and he named a few people me being one of them saying that we made the job worth what it was, I like to think that I helped him as much as he helped me, when he initially had a go at me he came across as a bitter and twisted old man, who was jaded and hated his job, but as we got to know each other it soon became apparent it was just frustration with what he thought was his inability to influence where he worked(we all know what that feels like) sadly he died about four months after he retired apparently he had been injured fighting for queen and country and had never had the best of health.

I devoured books, apart from finding out where the nearest record shop was whenever I moved the next important thing was a good second hand book shop so I could buy and sell, the one thing I wish I hadn’t left when I got divorced were the forty boxes full of books (1433 books according to my ex sister in law) in the loft of my house, they were given to the local charity shop (not that I minded at least they weren’t burnt like all my photographs) there were no first editions or anything amongst them (hahaha I had took them with me) I always carried with me a rucksack with me and it always had a good half dozen books with me and if I got bored with any particular tome I threw it in the bag and went off to some other mood.

In recent years my ability to read for long periods of time has been greatly affected by the amount I read at work (legal documents and the such like) and I will admit to being too tired to read and although I actually bought some books this time last year I still haven’t got around to reading them (I know I know you can all stop shouting at me). Over the years I have become obsessed with my little books, this will be part of book five in the space of nearly as many months, the amount of time of writing then polishing and then rewriting them for another twenty times (I exaggerate it just seems to be twenty its actually only about seventeen) sometimes I write stuff and polish it to within an inch of its life only to delete because I think it’s drivel(it’s probably better than some of the things I have published but paranoia keeps creeping in hahaha) and with doing the blog I need to try and make sure that I have a fresh perspective, this being creative can be quite exhausting I look forward to the end of June when I give myself a rolling programme of no more than two new books a year (they are not exactly huge....the books that is!) so don’t say that you haven’t been warned then there is the potential (time wise) for me to do two things hopefully go back to reading books on a regular basis and then work on my own work of fiction which I intend to work on and polish and polish, thats the intention it’s taken me a number of years to get to where I am now with it, the hard part will be finding an actual “voice” in which to tell the story ah well it will keep me off the streets I suppose! Until next time Toodles 

Once again

I am a ditz! Trust me its official I haven’t got a clue and as I get older I get worse! The wife and the youngest are indeed the I T department of our house I’m usually OK if I’m shown but if I have to read about something and then physically do it (not a cat in hells chance) it just won’t happen every time I go publish my books I know I will scratch my head and try and work out how I did it in the first place a true WTF moment.

Was I always like this no not really, but as I get older I become more impatient and have a tendency to rush headlong into things (that’s how I screwed up my website) I look at G who takes his time and is methodical in most things and seems to have a grasps on the mechanics of life the universe and everything that goes with it! Me I’m a total ditz if I took a breath I would probably do alright, I was all right in the army stripping weapons and stuff like that because it was always a practical demonstration although I doubt I would be able to strip out a magazine these days never mind strip a weapon down.

My camera is a prime example I know somebody who has the same camera and uses it to take pictures at concerts which are usually pretty damn good, mine look like I’m having an epileptic seizure with only one out of ten being any good, and he won’t tell us how he does it bless that’s one of the reasons he’s no longer a friend, me if I know how to do something and somebody wants to know I have no issues with telling anybody maybe it’s because I’m such a nice guy hahaha! Or potentially just a bloody soft touch!

The wife is like a dog with a bloody bone and won’t let anything go she is tenacious, me I just go Basil Fawlty on stuff, trash it throw it in the bin and move on, I know that it’s not a good personality trait but what can I do about it nowadays it’s is far too late to teach this old dog new tricks.

Somebody actually said to me I was born too late (I believe I may have said this in an earlier blog/book not that I can remember I am old you know) that I would have been better off born in the forties, I would at least have an excuse for my technophobia, now it’s just because I’m a dumb ass, I was surprised I actually passed the fire extinguisher exam, not that it’s a particularly hard thing to do you could train a monkey to do it in ten minutes granted it took me twenty hahaha but passed I did with a great sigh of relief, I could have lost my job at the time if I hadn’t (I certainly would not have been flavour of the month I know that).

The wife loves gadgets she is presently trying to get me sell my gall bladder for some new piece of technology and she is not a sharer (thank god), we will have to see if I can grow a fresh one before Christmas, anything new and she lusts after it hell we had two (yes two) TiVo’s long before virgin media got their hands on them, we got her a Kitchenaid mixer and I’m sure we will have cakes once again, sometime soon. In the near future or maybe just before the new millennium! I better stop now before she beats me to death with either a TiVo or even the Kitchenaid. Until the next time ...........................Toodles!

Month Four

2^nd. The holiday nearly over and with the exception of one day it has been yet another disaster, the wife her foot in a boot and in a lot of pain, this time not caused by me…...at least I don’t think so. Today I have get my head back in the game, I have no idea what I’m going back into, I have avoided all manner of work over the last 9 days, something I rarely do, I am dreading going away on my course next weekend, I’m away to Wembley on a crowd control course, the course I can do standing on my head, I simply have no desire to go away, I would rather sit in my back room in the dark, oh dear is the order of the day! A lazy day ahead, a little cooking and sorting out everything I need to, clean shoes and the such like, I really do lead an exciting life, the keen eyed of you will noticed that we have started on the 2^nd of the month, although we had the hurricane for most of the day, he was the only bright spot in my black soul, I was left to my own devices for most of the evening in the back room (I’m Batman….LOL) for once the wife didn’t ask me any silly questions, I believe she took the hint, I am slightly better today let’s hope music can indeed lift the spirit. (Album of the day Tytan – Rough Justice).

5^Th. The week has dragged on and we are like boxers in our respective corners the wife always picks little fights before I go away for work, paying for the sins of the previous husband is my belief, that usually sets off a world war, must be true then! We prowled around the house for the best part of the night the only time we were in sync was when we sorted what I was taking clothes wise, money had been sorted (I wasn’t taking any) if I needed anything it was to be on the card so that’s a no then, as she knows I would rather gnaw my foot off then use the card for work stuff (it takes ages to get the bloody money back), once the bag was sorted we tried to act like adults, it was a poor impersonation, but at least we tried I was late to bed which was bad for me as I had an early rise! No music today so that hasn’t helped, sleep better make me a happier person.

6^th. Well that didn’t last long and it didn’t help me at all, grumpy was the mood of the day, my lift was on time and I got to grips with technology as it was the start of training season I had two sessions early on before I headed over to the dark side, thankfully all went well and I was able to get to Poundland for some supplies for the trip down south.

The team met up at Newcastle’s central station and we were kept pretty much together for the trip there and the actual trip was uneventful until we had to get the tube, talk about being fish out water we knew where we were going we just wanted to make sure, so we asked a member of the tube staff , twat only sent us in the wrong direction, yes it got us to Wembley but then we had a two mile walk to the hotel, not the 256 metres we would have walked if we had got to the correct station, ah well you live and learn, the reason why I’m not bitching is simply because none of us would have probably got us within two mile never mind as close as we wanted to be. At least we got to see the local ambience of Wembley!

Booking in was another nightmare as all of the staff and I do mean all of the staff were not English, so the language barrier was evident, the staff were great it’s just we were all from the north of England if you get my drift, I still struggled to find my room (nothing new there then) once I was there we had to rush to get changed as we were supposed to be at the venue for the start of the course, thankfully there was an evening meal as I didn’t want to dip into my supplies just yet (hard tack is not an easy swallow) back to the hotel for just after 21.00 and I headed for my room as I wasn’t about to pay £5 a pint, well it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t want to I simply couldn’t afford to.

7^th. Up early and a great shower, it was time to get stuck into my hard tack for breakfast (two Kit Kats) the breakfast which by all accounts was lovely also happened to be £16 even I can’t eat £16 worth of food in one sitting, ok maybe in my younger days but I am trying to be a good boy, we then headed off to the course and the day was a good one a lovely lunch, thankfully the day was a long one and most people wanted to have a shower so I was able to escape before people wanted to head off for beer, and when the questioned was asked I answered truthfully and said I had offered to complete the project for the next day, I did and I even spent most of the night polishing it(you know how much l labour over the blogs I labour  a damn sight more over work) and I was glad to climb into my big hotel bed and starfish off into the land of slumber. No time for music today it was all work work work!

8^th. I was up with the larks to see a stunningly beautiful sunrise, it was a great moment one of the ones where you are glad to be alive, another long shower and a second Kit Kat breakfast, this was the part of the course I was looking forward to, and the day was great an early start but we finished off just before kick off between Saracens and Harlequins, who knew my first rugby game and I will admit to enjoying it, enough food for everybody that could have sunk a battleship (more of that later on) and free beer WTF, unfortunately it was Carlsberg which was nice, however Lager doesn’t agree with me free or otherwise, so I had a couple then stuck to the lemonade and sat at the back of the box making notes for this section of the blog! See my dedication to you the dedicated reader knows no bounds!

We headed back to the hotel and I claimed that I had eaten enough (which actually was quite true) so while they went off on a jolly jaunt looking for an eatery I lay back with a nice cup of tea and watched the film Battleship and was soon asleep, only to be woken every hour on the hour and I hunted high and low for the bloody noise.

9^th. I found the bloody nuisance the next morning when I opened the curtains to take in the glory of yet another awesome sunrise, the maid (that sounds so posh) had left the window open, the reason I couldn’t make out what it was, (turns out it was a car alarm,) was simply because I was ten floors up what a dumb ass, the final Kit Kat breakfast, another glorious shower then to check out, a shorter trip to the tube station and then safely ensconced in Kings Cross onto a train in our seats only to be told that the train was broken and we had to run across the station to claim any seats that we could, the team were scattered to the winds, I ended up with a family of three, thankfully I went for my default position (sleeping) I was soon home back into the arms of my loved ones, erm well I was met cordially and the day slowly evaporated I was looking forward to my bed as I simply hadn’t had enough sleep during the day. Again, no music but it didn’t really matter as I don’t think it would have helped me today!

10^th. A day off in lieu although I feel as though I had wasted it by doing sweet bugger all, did some reading and a lot of eating, I wasn’t in a good place I’m so glad I didn’t go to work today!

11^th. An early day at work with four training courses running back to back it was a busy day and thankfully I was glad of it although I could have done without the late finish as this was my Monday at work tomorrow thankfully would be my Friday damn I hate these long weeks, music featured on the way home thankfully as the plague carrier was full of scum! (Album of the day – Nazareth Hair of the dog).

12^th. An early start but thankfully a quick finish, don’t worry still an eight hour shift, more music and an actually good day with most things going the right way for a change, home to an evening of sloth, or so I thought as the Hurricane arrived and thankfully when we got his interest it was a worthwhile evening. (Album of the day – Steve Walsh  Glossolalia).   

16^th. My writing has been missing in action these last couple of days, blackness has been at the centre of my thoughts , nothing dangerous just nothing positive, I thought that writing would create more negativity, let’s be honest I’m trying to climb out of that particular cess pit, hopefully work will lift my spirits, that’s my intention, not listening to any music at the moment, as I have been totally disinterested I might start with my album of the day, I rarely get past that as the day trudges on.

19^th. I was wrong work hasn’t helped, although I am getting on with the tasks in hand, but my fake smile has been nailed on to my face, still giving my all, just not enjoying it like I normally do, I’m not going to attempt to make small talk I’m down just not out, darkness is the name of the game.

22^nd. The sun is splitting my sky the Hurricane arrived at full tilt and with it he has brought happiness into my dark soul, the day started with the wife at the hospital, once home though we awaited with all storm hatches battened down, he was simply what the doctor ordered, even though he is a cheeky mite (well he is only 6 and has a tendency to answer questions rather truthfully) the night goes over to quickly not too worry he will have us up soon enough.

23^rd. well actually not that soon as it appears, but once up he was back in full on hurricane and soon him and the wife are shouting at each other (all in good fun) I got him to help me make the Sunday dinner, even though he didn’t want to eat much of it himself and then just like that he was back off home, thankfully the goodwill lasted……. well for a while!

24^th. Back to work that’s all I can really say for the day, a real early start and early to home but sitting on a bus on a sunny day with the heating on didn’t help matters, the night didn’t bode well and although it wasn’t that early considering the time I had to get up I was glad of hitting the hay when I did, no music again today, I have to break the back of this particular black mood it’s been with me far too long.

25^th. Work saved the day today, I was busy and I enjoyed it, it seems like forever but I think I’m finally over the hill, a couple of annoying emails seemed to kick me in the ass, and then it was time to go a hunting, a reality quiet night in and I’m once more looking forward to my pit but for a change I’m also looking forward to getting up in the morning. (Album of the day – Judas Priest Stained class).

28^th. The work plodded on and then it was the final day of the week, I was happy I could see the weekend, for what reason I have no idea, I was just glad to have the week over, a day of teaching and trying to catch up with work related items between courses, the finish line finally crossed, I simply had to endure a car ride home with the Kraken thankfully not as bad as it could have been, no hurricane tonight, so a leisurely evening. (Album of the day - Montrose Paper Money).

29^th Another early hospital appointment for the wife’s foot, well the doctor he claims it’s getting better, I’m not seeing it, a kick in the goolies when the wife learns that she doesn’t earn enough to get sick pay, a great feeling when you realise there has been nothing put in the bank to pay her bills, you would think her company would tell her, a day of frantically trying to work out how we are going to actually pay those bills! Thankfully the day moved on  and I overdosed on anything Lemon, go figure! The rest of the day ended up being sloth like, we were happy with that. (Album of the day – Aerosmith  Rocks).

30^th. For some reason this month has been decidedly shite, I don’t know why it has been it simply has. the black cloud though thankfully has been left in my wake like a Somalian Pirate in the wake of this tanker, let’s hope it lasts. And so to the coming month, let’s have a better month and I hope everybody has a great bank holiday, until the next time……….Toodles!

One step forward

Apathy rules………I suppose, this is something I’m used to because at times I just can’t be arsed...ooops! What I meant to say is that probably I’m not like everybody else I wake up some mornings and I just really can’t be arsed ....ooops done it again!

Well almost because to be honest I can always be bothered to write some kind of crap I seem to be always jotting something down these days with the hope of sitting down and expanding my weird thoughts of the day. I’m not a fan of apathy, if I’m honest it usually means I’m down in the dumps and that in itself means that I will start rooting around in the cupboard to eat random crap, and with my weight issues that’s not a good thing! Even with all the weight I have lost recently I am only too aware of how easy it is to put it back on! I’m not even sure if everybody feels the blues, gets in a funk and all the other clichés that generally go with this particular mood I hope not because it’s not the best mood in the world to be in, I’m also not a fan because the wife goes into mother hen mode when in actual fact if she left me be I would probably come out the other side the happy go lucky person that I always am, hang on I need to call an ambulance I think the wife is having a fit!

Not all people are happy campers and by that I don’t mean that they are suicidal or even killers, it’s a fact some people have a blue attitude to life in general, I like to think that I’m usually happy 95% of the time from when I wake up and yes I may slide through the course of the day but generally I’m ok I don’t wander around with a grin on my mush but I’m ok, then you get people going “cheer up it might never happen” or “what’s up” now that does get irritating, I am always wary of people who are “up” all the time it’s not natural. Apathy is usually the breeding ground of my neurosis, even after completing a course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)  it feeds off my inability to get motivated, now this can come in a number of forms usually people not giving a rats ass, either that does affect me, people going their own sweet way when in reality we don’t have the time to do that something that needs to be done, just simply get on with it, this affects me both personally and professionally, I know I’m not the world and everybody doesn’t revolve around my sweet being, but sometimes and I mean sometimes this does indeed bring me down, mainly though I go with the flow these days because it really isn’t worth the grief.

Now the bad old days, they were different it affected my friendships my first marriage, everything just had to be right, come hell or high water and I know this drove some people absolutely nuts!  Hopefully since then I have learnt my lesson, I know I drive my wife totally nuts about being on time (my life is ruled by time it has since I could tell the time and got my first watch), but generally I’m ok if I could find a happy medium I would, but I just probably drive this wife up the wall because even if I’m a little bit driven I’m annoying, so it’s back to going downhill and being apathetic ....again!

Apathy generally rears its ugly head when I have a few days off (no really, I suppose I need to find a hobby something like golf, cough…. splutter …..fuck no)and I have no clear game plan on what I intend to do, now I usually have a list of tasks that I want to do but apathy rugby tackles me and makes me lose focus, I sit with my thumbs twiddling and generally being annoying (just for information I’m really good at this...allegedly) having said that being industrious also has side effects you end up doing stuff that other people intended to do and then this starts to gnaw at you (I have to admit this generally happens at work when people who are getting well paid to be industrious are lazy t***s) and then that can be worse than apathy, anger management issues are far worse than apathy (and since I was a kid loads of people told me that I had anger management issues) so maybe apathy isn’t that bad at all!

Apathy is much worse when you infect everybody around you with the same issues and then you become a group of sloths not wanting to upset the apple carts of those who are being apathetic, because if you awake the sleeping giant well that’s no good either, so a happy medium has to be found just enough so not to tip you off into the world of maudlin (see I have done an official study) now I know that some people think I’m a misery all the time (hello Wife and family, friends and the outside world) I’m not and after you have met me a few times I’m sure that you will know that really sometimes I’m just apathetic, it’s not rocket science and I’m sure that you won’t mind me just going with the flow and hopefully we can all get along just fine.

I also think that apathy comes along on a more regular basis as you get older (hey I’m old I can say that) before I was just angry (honest I used to be, I’m a really placid person nowadays) so I think I will get more and more apathetic as time starts to flow by, I suppose I will just have to live with it and if you can as well that will be fine and dandy, just don’t try and harsh my mellow and I won’t try and harsh yours.

Now anybody who can write (drivel) for over twelve hundred words can’t be that apathetic I hear you say, well to be honest that’s exactly why I started writing this piece because I was feeling just that and I could see the wife building up to go to full mother hen mode (or even something worse) so the laptop was switched on and I generally picked at the first word that sprang to mind and seeing how it was the mood I was in I thought I would do whatever I could do to get out of my funk!  so I typed and I read then I adjusted and rewrote and reread and generally played about with this for the odd hour then I walked away scratched my butt came back and gave it just a little polish and at the end of it I was fine and this piece was written, is it any good? I’m sure if it’s not somebody at some point will take me to one side and tell me (that was shit!) in a polite way, but I can live with that, this isn’t going to fix the world, that was never the intention, but it just might fix me and in the long term that’s exactly what I’m hoping to do, now I could have done this as whimsical piece of poetry (WTF) but in the grand scheme of things I think it’s better suited to a blog sometimes you have to do a short thing to help get the long thing done and today that’s exactly what I did! Until the next time incoming……………Toodles!