Sunday, 18 March 2018

Leave your hat on

I’m going stir crazy this is day four off from work, its also the fourth blog in four days what the actual fuck is going on, ah well deep breath here goes!

I’ve been known to throw my hat into the ring when high profile jobs come along, I applied unsuccessfully for the position of pope (please see the applicable blog) I thought I could have done the job ok I’m not a catholic but surely that’s just a minor point! I get bored easily and I own a hat what else do I need?

I applied to move further up the chain of command at work did I want the job, hell no I just wanted an honest answer from my then area manager, oh and I wanted to put the fear of god into the work shy lazy bastards I used to supervise, there’s some great people on the team however there is one or two lazy people, like Epsom salts I would have got them to work! As it happens the wife took ill so I had to withdraw, which was a shame as I know I could have done the job, would I have been happy I doubt it, I do love the job I have now, but at the moment it weighs heavily on my shoulders and my knees aren’t what they used to be LOL

There was an old chap delivering the local free paper early on in the morning, he walked with a bad limp, I have one of those (from time to time) I could have done that, I didn’t get it, I was devasted, I even had previous experience delivering papers! Unfortunately, not everybody seems to wish to support my applications, I mean I could do the jobs at the head of Disney (I know some right cartoon characters)Amazon (not the river) even Google (as I know some know it all’s as well)thankfully I get bored quite easily ………..oh a butterfly (allegedly) I’m a natural, I’m not sure what I’m not sure what I’m a natural at (answers to FUCKWIT.COM) I’m sure at some point somebody will take the time to point something out to me!

Alternatively I could be become a best selling author (yeah right) I have an idea about a girl called Chastity who after years of troubled relationships she deicide’s simply that to lead a life of Chasity, a bit like two and a half men in reverse……..oh look a butterfly, for some reason I simply cant seem to concentrate. I could apply for the position of  the new el chappo, I reckon I could run a Mexican drug cartel, think of the improvements I could make, proper emergency lighting in the tunnels, omitting one lux of light (that’s the equivalent of moonlight boys and girls) I could ensure that proper manual handling could be carried out, not one person lifting more than 24 KG I mean it’s simply criminal! he should be locked up for not looking after his staff……oh hang on he is, Oooops.

You  may have realised I don’t handle being off very well, it’s simply called the work of idle hands, no money means , the boo hoo club all of the above, I’m sure that there won’t be a blog on day 5, maybe a coat that ties around the back, cunning plans have come unstuck due to the weather, I’m going outside, I may be some time, at least I still have a hat, until the next time , watch the skies , keep spreading the disease……….Toodles!      

Saturday, 17 March 2018

Be good to yourself

I feel as though I am a porn star who has overdosed on Viagra, three blogs in three days………...hang on that might not be the best analogy!

All is calm all is well, I have enjoyed the last few days of writing with gay abandon, no not that kind of gay…. I am not coming out of any closet, honestly, emotions have been kept on an even keel, the last few weeks have been patchy to say the least, but I was building to having an explosion of writing, the intention has been to try and do something slightly different, emotions were always going to come into play because it would appear that they play on my mind a lot, just at the moment they appear to be fine and dandy……………at the moment!

I have tried to analyse how to get in this frame of mind and I honestly cannot nail it down to any one thing, how to stay in a good mood is an even harder thing to try and suss out, a chemical imbalance that follows the whim of its nature, truthfully I am at the best I have been for a while about sixty to forty, that’s not to say that the ship has been righted but it is getting there, I’m sure that’s a good thing. My demons are still there, however the tools I was given in my CBT course have moved me on in leaps and bounds, I have only one bad spark and that was something that couldn’t have been avoided, I didn’t like my response, but hopefully I can learn from it and be a better person because of it.

My moods are ever changing, not simply black or white anymore, there has been many shades of grey, something I can’t quite get my head around, but I shall endeavour to keep trying, purely because I wish to be a better person for my family and friends as a whole. At times I want my monster to come at me full tilt because that’s how strong I feel emotionally, although I am aware that I need to be careful for what I wish for, as the little black cloud usually know when the defenses are at their lowest, but so far so good ……….

Nobody who has mental health issues (and no I am not saying that I do) wishes to be bad, they don’t wish to be out there howling at the moon but sometimes it’s so damn good to go bat shit crazy, if only to wear the monster down, it’s the strangers who haven’t got a clue what an individual is going through, maybe that’s why people so infrequently sit next to me on the plague carrier, maybe I have some kind of invisible aura, I’m not sure, all I know is if I try smiling all the time it scares the living shit out of them or people ask if I need to be burped, more than likely the latter!

There will always I suspect be a darkness within me, a darkness that picks at my skin trying to get to the soft underbelly of me, trying to bring me back to the pit of despair that I have wallowed in enough, it’s time to move on and to be a better person whether that helps me or not, I need the angels in my life the ones that have brought light into a dark soul, and I know that this sounds melodramatic, but without them I would have got worse so much worse, I struggle to like myself at the best of times, without those friends past and present I would have been a lost cause no matter what.
So with friends and family the intention is to get better that cannot be achieved overnight, I know that I have to be good to myself, I know it’s going to be worse before it is better, but I am trying (very I know)as hard as my little black cloud will allow me, I know how much progress I have made, I also know how much more I need to make.

Again, something different from the last two blogs all is calm all is well, trust me in this, cunning plans are abound, hopefully the weather will do one long enough for me and the wife to go and see the Shields posse tomorrow now that will be a blog to behold until then, watch the skies, keep spreading the disease, Toodles!  

Friday, 16 March 2018

Ice melts into water

I have been told that a simple act of forgiveness frees the person affected (that would be me…. allegedly) and helps those doing the forgiving (I’m still not sure that that is me, certainly doesn’t sound like me) from harbouring dark and self-destructive thoughts (what me with my reputation).

I’m not sure if this actually true, there is no guarantee that the actual transgressor will be free of guilt and shame (I tend to think that they usually have no clue what they have done anyway …. selfish people) the person who forgives will ultimately feel so much better themselves (cough splutter…………..bollocks).

In other words, forgiveness makes you feel better (are you sure?) now I’m all for feeling better (not bitter) so I have been getting in touch with my inner chi (how new age of me) I have been chanting (like a hippy) just as I wake up and anytime I drift off during the rest of the day (again me with my reputation).

I visualise all of the people who I imagine who have done me harm and have offered me ill will, and I visualise me sending them hearts and goodwill their way, I wish for them to have a long and fruitful life, you will all be happy to hear that so far it has been working wonderfully, it has been slow like a glacier as the ice melts into water (oooooh I did it again) anger melts into resentment this in turns into indifference, that flows like a river away from me into amusement and then finally it drifts into affection and now my heart and soul is filled with love and forgiveness…………….are you really still following this crap a grudge is for life and not just for Christmas, as Manowar declared my strength is hatred … blood runs through my veins.

Now that normal service has resumed, expect the next bus in the next 24 hours I’m in the groove now, until then watch the skies ………….Toodles!

Thursday, 15 March 2018

Ain't too proud to beg

You, hey you, yes you, you over there, thank you for taking the time to read this particular blog!

I hope that you will/have enjoy(ed) it, enough for you to read through to the end, and then binge read through the other 363 titles that are here, maybe the title might just take your fancy, go on you know you want to! Damn it, imagine it could just be the thing you need to get over your Game of Thrones addiction.

I also wish to take this opportunity to let you know that I worked really hard (cough splutter) so that none of the usual blackness crept in (hopefully)! It represents my attempt to sincerely dramatize (hopefully with humor and not with sarcasm) within the confines of a short blog that I can do something other than bile (here’s hoping).

Now whether I have succeeded is up to you the discerning reader, there can be no question that I haven’t given my all (as if I would dare to not) as always I have given my all, as I always do I have given 198% (yes I know that its mathematically impossible, however I am trying to prove a point, please try and keep up dear lord have not read any of the other blogs and if you haven’t ……why not?) to anybody who thinks that I have indeed fallen below the very high standard that I set myself (cough splutter I really should get this damn cough looked at) rest assured that your mockery as always will be ignored, however do not panic as always I doubt whatever I put down on paper (yes I am still old school doing all my prep work long hand and in spider script) so no doubt the huge levels of scorn I will pour upon myself shall suffice!

If, however you have some helpful hints to give me please feel free to send all suggestion’s care of the usual web page FUCKWIT.COM, I’m sure that nobody will attempt to read anything that you post there! Or if you still have a great desire to post anything on any other part of the internet that you wish to express yourself, this is my spot so JOG ON!

Keep in mind I write (as always) in code (and for good reason) don’t publish my real name, location, planet etc, in fear of a repeat infestation of the R kind (if you have the previous blogs you will get the reference, that’s right go on read the previous 363).

Now for those of you who think I’m doing OK, well prepare yourself for some grade A brown nosing “I love you all” I’ve probably always loved you, I was simply too proud to beg (hey I got the title in there as well) for your approval (I’m an artist darling) now please feel free to stay in touch, well not in the flesh, on the interwebby thingy majig! That would be simply be divine.

I told you I was going to try something different, you should see my scribble, I mean my notes for this, I will post the next load of waffle, I mean blog when the numbers for this one drops off, which could be as early as the morning LOL well until then ………….Toodles!

Saturday, 10 March 2018


So, it was going so smoothly and then life and the world bit me in the ass, most people were affected by the weather in the UK so don’t panic it’s not my intention to write 8000 words on snow, I could, but I really would like to keep the readership that I have.

I have no intention about writing about work either, it’s been as tedious as it always is (same shit different day) again, I could but I’m sick of writing bile, there has been an annoying trend of the blogs being well I already said it (I think so, but what do I know) they are becoming tedious.

I would love to write about the raging social life that the wife and me have, unfortunately  we have signed strict non-disclosure agreements with the victims (ok that means we don’t have a social life) or I could go historical on your ass, but I’m not really in the mood (read the previous blogs I already explained this one, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have some cracking historical ones in me) I want to do something different, I know I haven’t posted anything in the last fortnight or so, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been writing, far from it but my Spidey senses aren’t tingling with anything yet, so some of it just needs to be polished slightly, and before anybody says anything I know that just sounds so wrong.

The last blog is still crawling over broken glass, it’s still being read on a regular basis but the numbers aren’t great, but they ain’t crap either. I know I have to get something out (this would be it) because I intend to have a better year than I had last year, in a blog kind of way. So, I think what I intend to do over the next week or so is to hit you lot with some short little forays into anything different that I have, just to get back on track. I have some kernels that will to be put on the hot plate so that they can “POP” into life.

So, don’t panic there’s been no drama, well there has, but it’s mainly been weather related and I really do have no intention of relaying all that crap, I am patiently awaiting my new grandson to show his face so that might crop up in forthcoming blogs. But all I will say is that I have been listening to some great music (the new Judas Priest album is awesome) it’s been the music that has been dragging this sorry arse towards good times.

My health has been decidedly shit, and although I am trying as hard as I possibly can it’s been a ghastly nightmare, it doesn’t appear to be getting any better, so consequently it has been an uphill battle, definitely one for another blog and one purely based on my health (warning that could be a bit gruesome as I’m due to beaten about the head shoulders by two stern nurses in the next week or so) so finish reading this one, spread the disease and then watch to the skies because over the next week and a bit there is the potential (depending of the readership numbers) on three or four back to back, yes the name game will be in play (as indeed it is today) and all of the other goodies will be there for your enjoyment, so until then ………..Toodles.

Sunday, 25 February 2018

Here There & Yonder.

Damn when did getting old get to be so easy, life keeps running past me and it keeps slapping me on the back of the head hard…………………. Damn Hard!

Work has kept me just a little bit occupied these last couple of weeks, not a complaint just stating a fact and I am so worn out when I finally get home that I have little strength to do anything except cook the evening meal and then blink for long periods of time.

Its just me and the Mrs in the house we haven’t even had the Hurricane in a long while, that will change soon especially when his new brother comes along, I miss the kids being in the house they have a tendency to keep you young, even when the youngest comes home from university it perks you up just a little bit and these days boy do I need a little perking up!

I could do with a visit to the Tee Hee Club, it has been way too long since we visited the Shields massive, but cunning plans are afoot I’m sure they will be happy to see us once finally get there! As for cunning plans I have a few starting to simmer (blog wise). although I haven’t posted anything of late, I have teamed up with a local bus company so there should be at least along all together, well we will see!

Finally, winter is coming to an end (only 20 feet of snow forecast for this week) and I can but hope that the sap will rise along with some will power to get these blogs ship shape and published, I’m simply firing from the hip for this one so that there is something out there, as I would like to keep my powder dry for upcoming ones. There is no name game for this blog, no its not an obscure Led Zeppelin song it’s a comment my youngest made on a radio interview she did earlier in the week (she’s a star did you not know this) like I said I miss my kids so when I found out she was going to be interviewed, I couldn’t wait to hear it, but I didn’t recognise the voice coming out from the speakers so posh and so adult like where has my little girl gone? And then in the middle of the interview she came out with the words I’m using for the title, damn how I laughed, I better be careful she could end up picking my nursing home until then …………..Toodles!

Sunday, 11 February 2018

Like a Satelitte

You wanted historical, don’t say I don’t give you lot what you want, are you all sitting ……ah who gives a fuck, here goes anyway!

Back in 1983 I was a raging ball of hormones and dreams, I wanted to be a singer and nobody had the heart to tell me otherwise (pfft call yourselves friends) actually I wasn’t too  bad to start with, I just didn’t really know what I was doing, breathing all over the place and it would appear that I could be as pitchy as hell, but I tried and I tried and if you hadn’t guessed it yet I kept on trying.

At the same time I was getting into writing in a big way and I could pull lyrics quite simply out of the hat or thin air if you wanted them from there, I wrote on a regular basis with the same group of friends, people who were excellent, who could write music as easy as falling off a log, but words they struggled, some of it was comical some of it was……..erm lets just move on, I soon became the go to guy, I could turn it out like the flip of the coin, and even if I say so myself I was pretty damn good, I got a publishing deal really quick, and I was making some good money, it was in the music business, so I was happy, but I kept plugging away, what I really wanted was to be a singer!

One of the bands I wrote with was a band called Satellite from the Durham area who soon got a fantastic gig playing support to major US stars who were contracted to play US Forces sites , if I had to say what were they like I would say that they were probably a cross between Wild Horses and UFO, I liked them, they had a great singer called Steve Newton who was awesome, never over reached himself and never missed a gig……well nearly never missed a gig , he always knew how to get your throat back on form and he did genuinely try to help me, now the guys had a showcase coming up and Steve went down with Tonsillitis, a severe case of it blue flashing lights and all that Jazz.

The guys had 9 days and they tried out a couple of guys who were good but they just went  through the motions, simply because they knew it was Steve’s gig, at the second set of auditions for a stand in guy they wanted to do a song called “I don’t want to be here” (how apt) but it’s a rocker with a tricky lyric and this guy simply couldn’t get it so I ran through the song with the guys and it wasn’t bad, I was just trying to prove that it wasn’t as hard as he was making it. Anyway, a break was called and a “thanks but no thanks” was delivered, and then I was asked if I wanted to give it a go ……………. erm do bears shit in the woods? Now the issue that I had was that I didn’t have a big range, so some of the songs had to be dropped, instead of the hour they planned we dropped the set to around 40 minutes and then we got down to rehearse, we did four days around ten hours a day, some of it at peoples house and then about four of those in Witton Gilbert Club, with lights and a couple of ramps the showcase was going to be done on a Sunday morning and the people were coming to us.

The first couple of days were me simply stood trying to remember the bloody words , which in reality should have been easy as I wrote all of the words to every song they ever wrote, go figure, but I have to admit it’s a habit I have had since I started writing something that I haven’t been able to shake, I purposely forget so I don’t repeat lines when writing lyrics, there was me thinking I was being clever, it has lead to a couple of embarrassing moments, the worst when Candice Night shoved a microphone into my face when Blackmore’s Night were playing York Opera house me and my brother front row shouting for obscure songs , bugger me they only go and do Temple of the fox and well Candice thinks that I want to sing, hahaha I don’t know the words, thankfully my brother came to the rescue, any way as usual I digress, back to the story in hand!  so I was really frustrated but I was managing to do an alright job, by Friday night I was about 60% there and I was enjoying myself, that was the breakthrough, we had one last run through on the Friday night and then decided to do a full dress rehearsal on the Saturday afternoon, we would have the club to ourselves due the fact that there was a local grudge football match on, so we could do what we wanted , Saturday Morning arrived and we all sat and decided what we were going to do, where we would stand, What lights were going to be used, you know all the things a band does it would seem, after the club had cleared, we got sorted, lights out, intro tape running and away we went, I fluffed the second song (I sang the verses the wrong way around the band didn’t notice ……I did though) but we all had fun, we all ran around as though it was Wembley Stadium not a working men’s club in the north of England, then just like that it was over before it had begun and the lights went up, and my bottom dropped out because sat at the back of the room were 25 of my nearest and dearest who had come to offer support (OMG) I was deeply shocked, however I got some positive remarks, but behind everybody was Steve looking the picture of health and he claimed that he was better (bastard).

The guys asked me if I minded if he had a blow (erm fuck yes/no) and although he wasn’t 100% he was 100% better than me, I tried my best to be the good loser that I patently wasn’t, it was at that point I noticed the fuck off big video camera set up by the mixing desk, “did you record me” “erm ………. No”, I have yet to see a copy of the set that we ran through, but it is out there, hopefully it will disappear like all the other bits and pieces that disappear into the great ether, how did it go for the guys? Well great they got the deal that they wanted, signed to a big-time agency and a proper management team …………. And then died a death, too many people involved, it worked so much better when they looked after themselves, the band limped on right up until about 1990, it all fell apart with the death of John Case and Steve Ridley, we all fell apart then, people took sides and we all went our separate ways (another blog when I can do  it justice)the band broke up, members died, got religion, sex, drugs and sausage rolls!

As for me I continued on my writing and made a living for a few more years with some really diverse artists, everything from pop to dance and ballads, basically anything that paid the bills, I kept trying, with friends far and wide then in 1986 the world turned to poop and I went down with exactly the same thing that Steve did with the exception they wouldn’t take my bloody tonsils out and my throat was shredded on a regular basis (to this day I suffer virtually every other week and they still won’t take them out) and I really struggled to hold a note, once again friends were too kind to say (STOP) I struggled on rehearsing with various people, but never completing line ups, the last attempt was when one of my good friends asked me if I would like to “Jam” with a Guitarist and a Bass player who were up and coming, so we did and I went off on one, improvising lyrics repeating lines and being incredibly self-indulgent, I have no idea what any of them thought, however I just knew that it was the end of the road for me, I hung my head in shame and vowed never to attempt to sing again, late 1987 I went down with a severe ear infection that rendered me more tone deaf than I had been before, my singing career was well and truly over, I don’t care that I wear glasses, I’m bald and not exactly Tom Cruise in the body department, I used to love wandering around the house singing to what I was playing, the one thing I wish I could do was sing, its something that gives me enjoyment, now I don’t mean a world class stadium filling crooner, just so that I can carry a tune for my own enjoyment, I still own a bootleg from Newcastle Riverside and my brother was ripping the piss at some individual who was singing along with Ian Gillan with a little known (at the time ) Deep Purple B side with the riposte “Fuck Gillan sings better than the guy in the crowd” I never had the heart to say “erm that’s your little brother” I would never have lived it down, ah well I’m sure I will find something that I can do…………..Toodles!