Saturday, 22 April 2017

One step forward


Apathy rules………I suppose, this is something I’m used to because at times I just can’t be arsed...ooops! What I meant to say is that probably I’m not like everybody else I wake up some mornings and I just really can’t be arsed ....ooops done it again!

Well almost because to be honest I can always be bothered to write some kind of crap I seem to be always jotting something down these days with the hope of sitting down and expanding my weird thoughts of the day. I’m not a fan of apathy, if I’m honest it usually means I’m down in the dumps and that in itself means that I will start rooting around in the cupboard to eat random crap, and with my weight issues that’s not a good thing! Even with all the weight I have lost recently I am only too aware of how easy it is to put it back on! I’m not even sure if everybody feels the blues, gets in a funk and all the other clichés that generally go with this particular mood I hope not because it’s not the best mood in the world to be in, I’m also not a fan because the wife goes into mother hen mode when in actual fact if she left me be I would probably come out the other side the happy go lucky person that I always am, hang on I need to call an ambulance I think the wife is having a fit!

Not all people are happy campers and by that I don’t mean that they are suicidal or even killers, it’s a fact some people have a blue attitude to life in general, I like to think that I’m usually happy 95% of the time from when I wake up and yes I may slide through the course of the day but generally I’m ok I don’t wander around with a grin on my mush but I’m ok, then you get people going “cheer up it might never happen” or “what’s up” now that does get irritating, I am always wary of people who are “up” all the time it’s not natural. Apathy is usually the breeding ground of my neurosis, even after completing a course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)  it feeds off my inability to get motivated, now this can come in a number of forms usually people not giving a rats ass, either that does affect me, people going their own sweet way when in reality we don’t have the time to do that something that needs to be done, just simply get on with it, this affects me both personally and professionally, I know I’m not the world and everybody doesn’t revolve around my sweet being, but sometimes and I mean sometimes this does indeed bring me down, mainly though I go with the flow these days because it really isn’t worth the grief.

Now the bad old days, they were different it affected my friendships my first marriage, everything just had to be right, come hell or high water and I know this drove some people absolutely nuts!  Hopefully since then I have learnt my lesson, I know I drive my wife totally nuts about being on time (my life is ruled by time it has since I could tell the time and got my first watch), but generally I’m ok if I could find a happy medium I would, but I just probably drive this wife up the wall because even if I’m a little bit driven I’m annoying, so it’s back to going downhill and being apathetic ....again!

Apathy generally rears its ugly head when I have a few days off (no really, I suppose I need to find a hobby something like golf, cough…. splutter …..fuck no)and I have no clear game plan on what I intend to do, now I usually have a list of tasks that I want to do but apathy rugby tackles me and makes me lose focus, I sit with my thumbs twiddling and generally being annoying (just for information I’m really good at this...allegedly) having said that being industrious also has side effects you end up doing stuff that other people intended to do and then this starts to gnaw at you (I have to admit this generally happens at work when people who are getting well paid to be industrious are lazy t***s) and then that can be worse than apathy, anger management issues are far worse than apathy (and since I was a kid loads of people told me that I had anger management issues) so maybe apathy isn’t that bad at all!

Apathy is much worse when you infect everybody around you with the same issues and then you become a group of sloths not wanting to upset the apple carts of those who are being apathetic, because if you awake the sleeping giant well that’s no good either, so a happy medium has to be found just enough so not to tip you off into the world of maudlin (see I have done an official study) now I know that some people think I’m a misery all the time (hello Wife and family, friends and the outside world) I’m not and after you have met me a few times I’m sure that you will know that really sometimes I’m just apathetic, it’s not rocket science and I’m sure that you won’t mind me just going with the flow and hopefully we can all get along just fine.

I also think that apathy comes along on a more regular basis as you get older (hey I’m old I can say that) before I was just angry (honest I used to be, I’m a really placid person nowadays) so I think I will get more and more apathetic as time starts to flow by, I suppose I will just have to live with it and if you can as well that will be fine and dandy, just don’t try and harsh my mellow and I won’t try and harsh yours.

Now anybody who can write (drivel) for over twelve hundred words can’t be that apathetic I hear you say, well to be honest that’s exactly why I started writing this piece because I was feeling just that and I could see the wife building up to go to full mother hen mode (or even something worse) so the laptop was switched on and I generally picked at the first word that sprang to mind and seeing how it was the mood I was in I thought I would do whatever I could do to get out of my funk!  so I typed and I read then I adjusted and rewrote and reread and generally played about with this for the odd hour then I walked away scratched my butt came back and gave it just a little polish and at the end of it I was fine and this piece was written, is it any good? I’m sure if it’s not somebody at some point will take me to one side and tell me (that was shit!) in a polite way, but I can live with that, this isn’t going to fix the world, that was never the intention, but it just might fix me and in the long term that’s exactly what I’m hoping to do, now I could have done this as whimsical piece of poetry (WTF) but in the grand scheme of things I think it’s better suited to a blog sometimes you have to do a short thing to help get the long thing done and today that’s exactly what I did! Until the next time incoming……………Toodles!

Thursday, 13 April 2017

Sold my soul to the company store


Life is hard and then you die or so I’m told, don’t believe all that you hear work is as hard as it needs to be, some jobs are shit trust me, I know I have had some real crap ones hahaha.

As I have said previously in many books and blogs times were hard in our house hold after my dad buggered off into his own little world and my mum for want of a better word was punished by the system. Why? Because she was honest, she didn’t want anything for nothing but she did find it hard to be told we would be better off if we were put into care, that was never an option and at the age of eleven my brother went and got a paper round so that he could have some money in his pocket, soon he had all six morning rounds where we lived and he gave half his earnings to my mum which made me feel crap so I went to the same shop as my brother (I was eight) did the papers for and Alan the guy owning it had to turn me down, the paper bags were bigger than me and whether he took pity on me or not he let me stack shelves and sort papers out all the little odd jobs and he paid me well, I used to get fifty pence a week, I was there whenever the shop was open so I think he got the best part of the bargain, when I got older I ended up doing all the paper rounds for the night time and my brother and me split the Sunday rounds we worked hard.

Through the summer months one of my dad’s friends  would check in on us and as he was a builder he would use me and my brother to do prep work for him digging paths up and helping with fences that kind of work and again he paid us fairly for what we did, it wasn’t to last as we soon had studies to do as well as other things that kids did in those days especially living in the countryside as we did, I had no complaints times were hard but we were honest and I did believe that’s all you needed to get by in the world.

Since the age of five all I had wanted to do was become a soldier and at the age of thirteen I got my placement I was going to join the junior leaders at Shorncliffe Barracks when I left school so consequently I didn’t really try at school I wasn’t a bad kid but I had my dream job I didn’t need any qualifications I had my place (oh dear) so you can imagine how happy I was when I was medically discharged a lunatic in the third degree with no idea what to do work wise with only a few decent exam results (the lessons I loved) thankfully the army got me a placement with a local electrical company, but because I could string two words together (just) I was put in the wholesale side of things and then moved through the firm until I ended up in the Bicycle department (the guy who owned the company would sell anything) but it soon got the better of me it was too easy to go to the pub and I tended to be belligerent with people who lied to the owner when they didn’t get what they wanted, the final straw was when the owners dad who played Santa in the store came in completely rat arsed and I was bundled into the outfit with a cushion for the belly, I probably scarred those kids for life hahaha soon after I had to go for another medical with the army and they were worried about my social interaction so they got me a placement working with the local NCB forestry department, I have to admit I loved the job and studied hard for my exams to be accepted into college, but it wasn’t to last (good things rarely did) and budget cuts put paid to my ambitions, but as if by magic my musical career took off, and again if you have read my previous drivel you will know how that turned out.

When work would dry up I would come home and do what was knocking around the doors sometimes cash in hand to keep below the radar sometimes proper jobs to be actually be on the radar, ! did some labouring bits and pieces and usually spent what I earnt (come on boys and girls I wasn’t used to having money) travelling to see bands and generally being a waster hahahaha, then I worked part time as an outdoor activities instructor teaching map reading, skiing, canoeing and water skiing that kind of thing but it was part time and although I loved it, it was never going to pay my bills and then all of a sudden everything stopped.

 So I took a job as a cleaner I had a mortgage at this point so needs must, I intended to stay a few weeks because I honestly thought that the legal log jam that was affecting my music career wouldn’t last, how wrong could I be and it was the death knell to my musical career so I stayed and I got married and the chance to join the technical services team (me with my reputation) and then I got divorced and the money was ok I could do whatever I really needed to, then I got made semi skilled because I was doing the same work as the tradesmen, and then I met my wife and it made sense as it was a readymade family unit and overtime was a plenty, but it soon wasn’t perfect and just as I was starting to look I got the offer to become an assistant supervisor and shortly after that to become the actual supervisor I have always had a good work ethic, I must have been doing something right because I was promoted over the self same tradesmen who thought that they were so much better than me, but I soon again had the dancing feet routine and again  I wanted to move on I felt I had gone as far as I could(oh how wrong was I on that one) and just as I was about to hand my notice in when from totally out of left field I was offered my current job to be the fire safety officer (again me with my reputation) of a rather large shopping centre in the north of England and if I’m honest it’s a job I love, I have done more education in the last 11 and a bit years than I thought I would ever have to, including a management course, starting my fire diploma getting a teaching qualification (ME yes ME) getting my advanced fire managers course, health and safety qualifications, team leading qualifications, become a FETA qualified engineer and a member of not one but two professional organisations (where the hell did I go wrong) it hasn’t been easy and at times it has been very stressful and I know I am only just starting out on this road and I will have to fight long and hard to keep my footing this really is just the start if only I had been clever enough to have a cunning plan when I was a tad younger, oh but for the grace god go I.

I do have to be careful that I don’t allow work to overtake my life because if I wanted to I could stay there for far longer than I should and that’s only good for the employer who pays my salary and rarely gives me the lieu time that I should be claiming back (the curse of the north east of England) but things are moving at such a fast pace sometimes I don’t know how to balance the things that are so important to me, the wage is good for what I do and has (hopefully) the chance to improve just a little but let’s be honest how many people have worked in the same place for nearly 31 years and had a pay rise every single year not many I would wager. My work ethic has to be honest what has got me through some very dodgy times since I left her majesty’s armed forces and who knows what awaits ahead of me more work for sure I doubt retirement is on the cards (unless I do win the lottery) one foot in front of the other until it gets to the end of the road working to the best of my ability for as long as I can possibly can, does that make me stupid? probably but that is just the way I have been brought up there’s not a lot I can do to change that I just wish I could leave some in the tank for when I get home but that’s for another blog. Until the next time ……..Toodles!

Monday, 3 April 2017

The silence is deafening!


Here’s a curveball for you all, the blog (or should that be revamped chapters of Piffle Balderdash & Waffle) have been filling in for me as I tackle the long blog.

The numbers have been through the roof (you should have bought the book ya cheap bastards) and even though I have revamped the chapters and brought them bang up to date, you the reader seem have to have gone on walkabout, there is very little interaction, not even abuse (I don’t want any, you will just be ignored or told to fuck off) everybody and I mean everybody has gone off the grid……WTF!

Now I will not be posting every chapter from the book, some of those chapters were wrote purely for the people who were prepared to buy the book, and as a consequence were incredibly personnel, as I knew that the readership of the books would be less than 10% of the blogs readership, and hey I was just about right.

I’m not writing these to make loads of new friends, I do this as a way of anger management (well that’s what they started out as) and they have turned into what it is today (don’t ask as I haven’t got a clue……….what do you mean it shows) but to go from responding to high double figures to zero is a little disconcerting, ah well gripe over, you can go back to whatever you were doing before I so rudely interrupted you all……………………Toodles!

Sunday, 2 April 2017

Apathy Rules


Apathy rules………I suppose, this is something I’m used to because at times I just can’t be arsed...ooops! What I meant to say is that probably I’m not like everybody else I wake up some mornings and I just really can’t be arsed ....ooops done it again!

Well almost because to be honest I can always be bothered to write some kind of crap I seem to be always jotting something down these days with the hope of sitting down and expanding my weird thoughts of the day. I’m not a fan of apathy if I’m honest it usually means I’m down in the dumps and that in itself means that I will start rooting around in the cupboard to eat random crap, and with my weight issues that’s not a good thing! Even with all the weight I have lost recently I am only too aware of how easy it is to put it back on! I’m not even sure if everybody feels the blues, gets in a funk and all the other clichés that generally go with this particular mood I hope not because it’s not the best mood in the world to be in, I’m also not a fan because the wife goes into mother hen mode when in actual fact if she left me be I would probably come out the other side the happy go lucky person that I always am, hang on I need to call an ambulance I think the wife is having a fit!

Not all people are happy campers and by that I don’t mean that they are suicidal or even killers, it’s a fact some people have a blue attitude to life in general, I like to think that I’m usually happy 95% of the time from when I wake up and yes I may slide through the course of the day but generally I’m ok I don’t wander around with a grin on my mush but I’m ok, then you get people going “cheer up it might never happen” or “what’s up” now that does get irritating, I am always wary of people who are “up” all the time it’s not natural. Apathy is usually the breeding ground of my neurosis, even after completing a course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)  it feeds off my inability to get motivated, now this can come in a number of forms usually people not giving a rats ass, either that does affect me, people going their own sweet way when in reality we don’t have the time to do that something that needs to be done, just simply get on with it, this affects me both personally and professionally, I know I’m not the world and everybody doesn’t revolve around my sweet being, but sometimes and I mean sometimes this does indeed bring me down, mainly though I go with the flow these days because it really isn’t worth the grief.

Now the bad old days, they were different it affected my friendships my first marriage, everything just had to be right, come hell or high water and I know this drove some people absolutely nuts!  Hopefully since then I have learnt my lesson, I know I drive my wife totally nuts about being on time (my life is ruled by time it has since I could tell the time and got my first watch), but generally I’m ok if I could find a happy medium I would, but I just probably drive this wife up the wall because even if I’m a little bit driven I’m annoying, so it’s back to going downhill and being apathetic ....again!

Apathy generally rears its ugly head when I have a few days off (no really, I suppose I need to find a hobby something like golf, cough…. splutter …..fuck no)and I have no clear game plan on what I intend to do, now I usually have a list of tasks that I want to do but apathy rugby tackles me and makes me lose focus, I sit with my thumbs twiddling and generally being annoying (just for information I’m really good at this...allegedly) having said that being industrious also has side effects you end up doing stuff that other people intended to do and then this starts to gnaw at you (I have to admit this generally happens at work when people who are getting well paid to be industrious are lazy t***s) and then that can be worse than apathy, anger management issues are far worse than apathy (and since I was a kid loads of people told me that I had anger management issues) so maybe apathy isn’t that bad at all!

Apathy is much worse when you infect everybody around you with the same issues and then you become a group of sloths not wanting to upset the apple carts of those who are being apathetic, because if you awake the sleeping giant well that’s no good either, so a happy medium has to be found just enough so not to tip you off into the world of maudlin (see I have done an official study) now I know that some people think I’m a misery all the time (hello Wife and family, friends and the outside world) I’m not and after you have met me a few times I’m sure that you will know that really sometimes I’m just apathetic, it’s not rocket science and I’m sure that you won’t mind me just going with the flow and hopefully we can all get along just fine.

I also think that apathy comes along on a more regular basis as you get older (hey I’m old I can say that) before I was just angry (honest I used to be, I’m a really placid person nowadays) so I think I will get more and more apathetic as time starts to flow by, I suppose I will just have to live with it and if you can as well that will be fine and dandy, just don’t try and harsh my mellow and I won’t try and harsh yours.

Now anybody who can write (drivel) for over twelve hundred words can’t be that apathetic I hear you say, well to be honest that’s exactly why I started writing this piece because I was feeling just that and I could see the wife building up to go to full mother hen mode (or even something worse) so the laptop was switched on and I generally picked at the first word that sprang to mind and seeing how it was the mood I was in I thought I would do whatever I could do to get out of my funk!  so I typed and I read then I adjusted and rewrote and reread and generally played about with this for the odd hour then I walked away scratched my butt came back and gave it just a little polish and at the end of it I was fine and this piece was written, is it any good? I’m sure if it’s not somebody at some point will take me to one side and tell me (that was shit!) in a polite way, but I can live with that, this isn’t going to fix the world, that was never the intention, but it just might fix me and in the long term that’s exactly what I’m hoping to do, now I could have done this as whimsical piece of poetry (WTF) but in the grand scheme of things I think it’s better suited to a blog sometimes you have to do a short thing to help get the long thing done and today that’s exactly what I did! Until the next time incoming……………Toodles!

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Month 3.


1st. Back to the grind, work, work and then work just a little more, I’m happy for the distraction, my mind has been wandering off in black directions, I have been struggling to drag the focus back onto something positive, work has certainly helped! It might not be the perfect solution and I know I will suffer before long, the mind may be willing, however the body can no longer do the hours I used to do, I arrive home more tired now than when I was on the tools. Home for a quiet night, the wife not 100% I need to give her some love and attention she is suffering, not from me for once! (Album of the day Place Vendome – Close to the sun).

2nd. Once more unto the breach and back into at work, many spinning plates, I hate getting up for the early shift, but it pays huge dividends in so much as that there’s nobody here to bother me, so I can just crack on, I will admit to flagging at the end of the shift, I got a lovely surprise as the wife was in when I got home, I had thought she would be a couple of hours behind me, simple things do lift my flagging spirits and thankfully another quiet night in, I needed to try and build some reserves of energy as I have the weekend in at work. (Album of the day – Axel Rudi Pell Magic Moments).

3rd. Friday is usually the light at the end of the tunnel, not this week as I’m duty manager, so time to be a big boy and simply get on with it, thankfully there was no major issues, well until I got home, to be honest it wasn’t even an major issue then, as I discovered that the youngest was coming home for the weekend, the downfall was I had to go back to work to pick her up (AAAAAH) the weather was pretty horrific so I was very quiet when we slipped into work and slipped out again with only a few people seeing me (the look of panic is always a pleasure) we headed home on a different route as roads were becoming waterlogged this didn’t bode well for the coming weekend, bad weather = lots of people through the doors. (Album of the day – Simon Kirke All because of you).

4th. Up with the larks and to glorious sunshine (WTF) a quick jaunt on the plague carrier to work to meet a bemused co-worker who wanted to swap the split shift only for him to screw it up completely he actually wanted the early shift however he was gracious enough to admit defeat, I did offer to cover the full day, but he is a good soul, I had to welcome the archbishop of York to work for a couple of flash mobs, there were more than a few nervous people, who for some reason think I’m quite irreverent to things like that, but I can play a nice person from time to time. Still the sun split the sky, so thankfully not a lot of ass wipes arrived (that’s the general public to you) the day flew over (with only two serious accidents both elderly people with bad falls) the trepidation that I had felt thankfully wasn’t warranted, thankfully because of the good weather there wasn’t any traffic issues, so I was able to catch a plague carrier and get home with relative ease. Once home I was once with a nurse’s uniform on (I know not a pretty sight) as the wife is in serious pain with her foot, again a quiet night I was relieved to have half of the weekend over, hopefully I haven’t jinxed myself. (Album of the day Dream Theater – Images and words).

5th A Magpie, a dirty black and white magpie, that harbinger of doom, I knew I was jinxed from the off, and boy was I right, a day of a roller coaster of emotions with so many things of which I won’t go into details simply as it was a total cluster fuck of a day, the worst aspect of it was the general public, the greedy horrible people, those who want something for nothing, who will step over people to get what they want, there were a number of them who I wanted (to seriously punch right in the throat) to be honest the staff were fantastic and I really couldn’t thank them enough everybody stepped up to the plate, and yes they got me through the day it wasn’t going to end well otherwise, the wife picked me up and we got the hell out of dodge, a late dinner at our local spoons with the youngest lifted this old man’s spirits, the day couldn’t end soon enough I was shattered, this getting old shit isn’t the best you know! (Album of the day Tokyo Motor Fist – Debut).

6th. Day eight of hell, I now had three days to finalise the Fire Risk Assessment for my place of work, let’s just say it’s a mammoth task, the day was relentless and I didn’t even get started with what I wanted to do, I was going to have to book a meeting room and hide myself away if I intended to make any head way. I headed home not in a good head space to find that I was home alone as the wife and the youngest were going to see some drag queens (so not my scene) the night started badly and continued all the way until I went to bed. I simply went to bed to stop myself eating anything I could get my hands on. The wife rang to say that she was on her way home however all I wanted was my pit and that’s exactly where she found me, asleep and thankfully not eating anything else! (Album of the day Jürgen Blackmore – Destructive mania, quite apt really).

7th. Today simply had to get better but it didn’t, the whole day spiralled away in chaos, thankfully I was in a better frame of mind, sleep had cleared my mind and thankfully I was able to crack on (mind you I think the whole world heard my scream as I merged two documents that I didn’t intend to, and no I have no idea how I saved the day, but thankfully I did) I got a lot more done than I had envisaged, thankfully this helped, I was still happy when the day ended, I only had one more day of hell left, a quiet night in with no computer switched on tonight was an electronic free night something I might need more of! (Album of the day – Unruly Child – Can’t go home).

8th. Because I can see the finish line I let my guard slip , just a little, but I still need to be careful, I cracked on and nearly (so close yet so far) finished all the work I wanted to, although my computer skills (or rather the lack of them) got the better of me, so I missed my (self-imposed) deadline, but for once I simply shrugged my shoulders, my head was battered and I simply didn’t want to make any mistakes this close to completion. I threw my hands in the air and admitted defeat, again more issues that I didn’t need to be dragged into, so I kept my distance making sure I kept from getting swept into the maelstrom, Monday will come around soon enough I want to try and enjoy my four days of freedom, that is waving at me in the distance, thankfully home time came soon enough, I stayed booted and suited because I knew I was going to have to help the wife in, we got another surprise in the shape of the Hurricane for an hour as we did yet another good deed, just as The Hurricane headed home I gladly kicked off my shoes only to her the wife ask me to go and put some gas on (AAAAAAAARGH) the dummy was spat well over the wall, not that I minded going to do the task but it’s almost like she waited until I had my shoes off and my feet were so happy to unleashed from the demonic work shoes that I have to wear (NO not high heels ya bunch of pervs), however I’m not the uncaring beast of old I simply muttered (admittedly at higher level than normal volume) and got on with it, I nearly (notice I said nearly)ran there and back, task complete I sat my ass in the chair and didn’t stir until I was told to climb the wooden hill and go to sleep, no music today way to busy!

9th. Old man syndrome has caught up with me in the middle of the night as I ran to the loo before I wet the bed, thankfully crisis averted I was able to climb back into my (dry) bed and go back to sleep, until the wife’s alarm clock raised me fresh from my slumber, a quick bath to get rid of the stench of death from my weary body, and then to find out that the first part of the day meant that I was again going to be home alone, not something I was looking forward to, the wife went out and I retreated to the back of the house, the dark part where I could sulk and be in easy reach of food if my mind was going to go that way, thankfully it hasn’t and the wife wasn’t as long as I thought, so once we got her in the house and up on the settee (the quacks have given her a fortnight sick note) I was able to listen to some good Teutonic metal to cheer myself up, a quiet night ahead and hopefully I can be restored mentally as I really don’t want to waste the rest of my time off, and I really would love to do something other than hide in my cave and brood, let’s see what happens! (Album of the day Herman Frank – The devil rides out).

10th. Day two in the big brother house and I am nursing an invalid, I have no issues as she normally looks after me, hang on a second she normally tells me to suck it up buttercup, ah well I ventured out to the quacks to pick up a sick note for the wounded and I insist that while I am in the house she sits her butt on the settee and rests the bloody foot, the day slid away and before I knew it, it was time for the wooden hill. (Album of the day Tim Ripper Owens -  Play My Game).

11th. So the weekend starts and basically its little odds and sods, my flesh eating disease is back and my beard is starting to be annoying, this won’t end well, an afternoon trawling through the loft for items for the invalid, quite enjoyable in a sweaty kind of way, then a nice long soak in a hot bath, me fall asleep, how very dare as if I would…..OK so I did just for a little bit, more nursing and a quiet night for us both, yes the beard went the distance, very little music today and nothing that I would quote as album of the day, thankfully though the day went well and not full of doom and gloom as I usually am, how the hell did that happen.

12th Sunday already and once again just odds and sods through the day another bath, a Sunday dinner although not horrible, I didn’t enjoy it, and before anyone complains, I do the cooking so yes I can complain, I ate it (no surprise there then) but I didn’t enjoy it, the wife did but hey ho she married me so she has to be easily pleased (it’s a joke FFS!) I can’t believe four days have slipped by and the only time I have been out of the house was to go to the quacks and to empty the bins, where did my get up and go vanish off to? Back to the grind tomorrow, oh deep joy, still not much music today again looking after the walking dead doesn’t give you much time, but cunning plans for the coming weeks, I’m off for a week soon I might even break out the turntable, mind you I have had nearly two years so I’m not going to rush into it! The moral of that tale is why the hell would anybody buy me technology I’m a sodding luddite does nobody read my blog!

13th. Well today simply didn’t go as planned, I went for a later plague carrier, I was still at work for just after seven (WTF) I don’t start until eight, got stuck into my emails on the bus, although most get deleted, I have to check them all in case I have to do any investigations/reports, I get to work and find out I’m in a Risk Management course, something that I can’t get out of and it’s a full day thing, I answered what emails I could and rang whatever people  were up at that ungodly hour, including one ungrateful lady who is basically going to get the full legal broadside from me, I did and I mean I really did try to help, the day flew over and I enjoyed an empty plague carrier ride home, well I say I I enjoyed it actually that should read that I blinked for large portions of the journey, home again to look after the invalid, who is a worse patient than me (and that takes some bloody doing) the day as a whole has been good even if the course has my head battered, lots of cunning plans and me taking a stand, which has shocked some people, I will cut and run just at the point of chicken, these are battles I can’t win, doesn’t mean I will let the bastards grind me down, I broke technology again (or at least proved it’s still not fit for purpose) I have a cunning plan for tomorrow, hopefully that involves a slight lie in and a much later trip on the plague carrier, although I wouldn’t hold your breath on that one (Album of the day Y&T – Down for the count).

14th. Trying to go work later, and it’s not exactly working I still go early so not to miss the bus and end up running like a junkyard dog trying to catch the earlier bus, still getting there later than normal, but still way before I’m supposed to, which isn’t helping as my get up and go has well and truly got up and buggered off, lots to do which I should plough through and well………..it’s taking me a lot longer than it normally would, and I’m not enjoying it like I normally would. A supposedly quiet night turned into a farce for the wife and then it was off to bed. (Album of the day House of Lords – Saint of the lost souls).

15th. Another early morning thankfully caught the bus I went for, work didn’t improve, again plenty of work, just not feeling it, maybe I need some time (and some money) off to recharge my batteries, low profile and just plodding through simple stuff that I should glide through, at least I’m not down in the dumps, or am I? well if I am I have no intention of over thinking anything, just going to go with the flow and see where I land, fingers crossed, no music today, however I did get shouted at by the wife for blinking for long periods tonight……OOOPS!

16th. The day at work is still dragging, I had a day with an apprentice doing an induction while flitting between various tasks, she definitely thinks I’m a lunatic, no surprise there then. No bait made for a very long day I wasn’t hungry and my stomach is still giving me grief from the other week nothing major but it is noticeable, maybe I should try and see a doctor, oh no we covered that one didn’t we hahaha, I will sue them when I die of something horrific! Another quiet night in with the invalid, spoke to the youngest who got her mid-term marks and she was delighted so that at least cheered me up, we narrowly avoided world war three over a damaged gas card, I’m sure we can resolve it in the morning and honestly there’s no need to shout at anybody, no music again what’s going on with that?

17th. Thankfully the last working day of the week, and my apathy is bleeding out of me most people avoiding me so maybe that’s not a bad thing, I had a massive strop with head office, some nugget who is way above my pay grade who looked like he was going to win (or so he thought) not only the battle but also the war until fresh evidence came to light regarding an independent contractor, at the end of the conference call I laughed and called him a loser, I was given a small talking too very politely, yes I won but please don’t rub senior board members noses in it, erm ok ……NOT! issues getting home on the plague carrier  thankfully resolved on the next one in line, I have been toying with the idea of going out with my camera tomorrow morning to do some local history shots, let’s not take any money on it though as I’m still feeling a tad funky! Again, no music but I am intending to sit with the wife and keep her company rather than sit in the darkened cave, maybe that’s progress?

18th. Up early but didn’t go out with the camera, it was damp (I believe there had been one rain drop just after midnight) up early enough to sit and brood over nothing, finally the wife gets up and hobbles (that foot isn’t getting any better) we intended to do a few chores however the eldest turned up with the Hurricane so we lost a few hours there and then the day ground to a halt, the day was lost we will have to transfer the chores to tomorrow (honest) I’m typing this up full of Chinese food and Mexican beer, it’s a great mix, honestly you can trust me on this one, the night is nearly over, I have tried to play some music but nothing stuck at all nothing getting past the first track, so off to lie around like a loppy dog and to cheer the wife up.

19th. Another day of sloth however a day of watching films, it was actually a good vibe to the day, so what we didn’t do a lot, we enjoyed each other’s company! We didn’t fall out with each other, that has to be a record, off to bed on the final countdown to a week’s holiday, bring it on.

20th. Still up early even though I’m duty dog, the wife is in poor shape because of her foot, a slow walk to the plague carrier the day wasn’t going well as the journey had a number of halfwits on the bus, I prayed all the way that they didn’t get off at my place of employment, thankfully a great day with virtually no hassle, I didn’t get any of the work I wanted to do, that was the least of my issues, the duty dragged, my get up and go was still missing in action, I got the hell out of dodge as soon as I possibly could, I got the last bus to Hicksville, I didn’t stay up long as I had to go to work tomorrow early! (Album of the day Krokus – Headhunter).

21st. Old man’s bladder (which I don’t normally suffer from) had me awake long before the alarms went off and even though I was trying to go in as late as possible I was still at work a little after seven, I dragged myself through the day, keeping out of the way of most meetings and just trying to tie up any loose ends so that I could enjoy my coming days off. As soon as the starting pistol was fired I was off through the door as soon as I possibly could, thankfully the plague carrier was virtually empty, no nuggets and then a very quiet night, no electronic devices to hand, a social media profile lower than a snake’s belly was the order of the day and if I could be honest for just a moment I thoroughly enjoyed it! (Album of the day Heath Green and the Makeshifters – Debut).

22nd. I awoke to it being bright white with the first decent snow fall of the season, a mile down the road and it was just rain, mmmm I wasn’t complaining! Back to work and I still wasn’t firing on all six cylinders, I had a lot to get through, I had to do more than pay lip service, I had to be an adult and behave, thankfully I managed to get through the day without much controversy, well I say that, lets save that that thought for another day and another blog, let’s just say I got away with that particular thought by the skin of my teeth! Another journey home another sleep on the top deck of the plague carrier, I awoke as we were coming to the stage coach drop off point with not a drop of the white stuff in sight, yet another quiet night with the wife (I’m starting to panic here) off up the wooden hill at a sensible time (WTF) and I was soon in the land of nod. (Album of the day ELO – Out of the blue).

23rd. I started the day in a much more positive state of mind, it didn’t last long, but at least I tried, the day dragged and I didn’t help myself as I was offered and I took it with both hands, a bottle of Lucozade, as a diabetic I might as well just shoot myself in the head, it crippled me, I just wanted to get home, I arrived to an empty house as the wife was getting her foot looked at by professional men, I mean professional! Joy of joys she arrived home with Chinese food, which was superb, but yet another bad move on my part, I headed to bed soon after as I didn’t want to be beaten around the head and shoulders for blinking for long periods of the evening while I was supposed to be watching the TV with the wife, heaven forbid. (Album of the day Coney Hatch – debut).

24th Up at silly o clock (04.30 am) had a bath, had some breakfast (well some Jaffa cakes) the day wasn’t starting off at the best point, but I struggled on and got the first stage coach and was again at work well before seven , I jumped straight in at the deep end, convinced I could climb the mountain of work and complete it all, it would appear that I was giving off a vibe, people steered clear and the day went quite well, I was only stroppy a little bit, which got worse as the day went on, the pay rise letter came out and I might have just had a small bile attack, well you have to vent your spleen from time to time, I felt better for it, and then we all got on with our lives, and then off to home, nobody but me on the plague carrier (that helped) and now I start to contemplate what I intend to do with my 9 days off and the big money is on me doing fuck all, let’s see if it’s the right bet, I shall be doing my best to endeavour to be a happy soul, I didn’t say that I would succeed, I did say that I would try! (Album of the day Motorhead – BBC the sessions).

25th. The start of 9 days off and I’m keeping busy trying to sort blog stuff, trying to keep myself busy, the Kraken is having some surgery today, so it looks like I’m home alone for at least the first 24 hours, not off to a great start, anger and bile is the order of the day, whenever the wife gets in touch she keeps asking what’s up? It’s great she can spot when I’m pissed off, now if she could just the spot the signs of me being annoyed by being asked that bloody question! It’s nothing she has done so just drop it, it’s purely me, hating life and just about everything in it, I get like this sometimes, music is the order of the day and lots of it, but the darkness stays with me, into the evening and onto bed, alone in the dark I just lie there and brood, for once it takes me a long time to go to sleep. (Album of the day Big Wreck – Grace Street).

26th. The clock has moved forward but I’m still up at silly o clock, Anger has risen to the surface like an oil slick its being damn hard to shift, once I got the blog posted my spirits were lifted simply by the numbers, back to more music and attempting to read something musical, the wife finally arrives home and we get on with the day, I’m still prickly but at least she has backed off to a safe distance, my mood levels out, it’s still not fantastic, I wanted to delete this blog and walk away, thankfully common sense prevailed (allegedly) we shall see, I’m not loving anything at the moment, these funks are few and far between thankfully however they roll in like an old London town fog from all those old films, damn hard to shift! The walk up the old wooden hill simply can’t come soon enough. (Album of the day Nightranger – Seven Wishes).

27th. A slight lie in although I was awake, but no matter how I felt, I needed to give my head a shake as I had “adult” things to sort and I was on a strict time table, the mood was lighter than the previous 48 hours, still not on an even keel, but the bilge pumps were working overtime and hopefully this ship wasn’t sinking at this moment in time, more music and I got to reading some historical stuff and the afternoon got away from and thankfully for once this wasn’t a bad thing, before I knew it was early evening, the day had ran passed me without hitting me on the back of the head, the mood was lighter if only for a little while, the wife came home we ate and then we vegged, tomorrow I intend to venture out of the house for the first (and probably) the last time of the holiday, I don’t know if you have realised I seem to stay in the shadows of the cave, like I’m tethered there serving some kind of prison sentence, for what I have no idea, I wish I cut the cord and get the hell out of dodge, everything is starting to crowd in again bile and bitterness not far from my shoreline, heading back up the hill here’s hoping for a  better tomorrow! (Album of the day Free – Tons of sobs).

28th. Early to rise, even though I did try and go back to bed, bile was in my head, so I did the next best thing a long deep bath, I felt a much better person for it, after a great soak I then had to get the wife onto her two feet as she has been going through hell with her foot, a quick breakfast, we then had to get going as we had a number of tasks to do out in the big bad world, a number of places to visit out there in the big bad world, in broad daylight as well, we did all the tasks and didn’t fall out with each other, a good day for recharging our batteries, before we return to our normal boring usual selves, I have to go and join a trial for some diabetes treatment, the fact that I have volunteered says a lot for me but that’s the only reason I will be venturing out, the next monthly blog will be slightly different, I’m only going to blog if I have something positive to write about, I ventured off the lit path this time around, too much darkness, and that’s not what  this is all about, people are responding in a positive manner, so that’s a good thing, a few complaints again these are from people who are not regulars, I have been posting on Tumblr and that has been slightly different, but it’s all a learning curve. Tomorrow will be the halfway point of my holiday, I believe I have had far too much sunlight, I think its time for some rain! Thank you for all the (kind) responses keep them coming good or bad I don’t mind I simply won’t publish them………the power of the pen. Keep spreading the disease, normal service should be resumed sooner rather than later. So until then all I can say for now is ………………………Toodles!

Sunday, 26 March 2017

Girls


This one I should have titled trouble, because I’m not sure why I’m doing it! It popped into my head one morning and hopefully it’s not going to cause me any problems, as my intention I hope is to be witty (oh lord help me now hahaha).

As the title says it’s about the girls (well about 98% there’s not that many really just the main ones) that have been in my life and all the trouble we may have caused each other, because it was never a one-Way Street, for the sake of privacy I’m only going to use initials of first names and honestly there’s no real dirt to dig here, I’m only having fun!

I have to admit to being (painfully) shy around girls that I like in a romantic kind of way and with the exception of the wife, I have never asked a girl out in my life, although she will tell you she did all the ground work (which is true hahaha) if everybody thinks back from the beginning to the end is there a certain path we tread, I’m not so sure, you guys will have to tell me?

M: my first true love hahaha ok maybe not I was seven and she told me I was now her boyfriend, I think it lasted all of one play date hahaha she moved to Wales.

That was it for a good four years I found I had a distaste for bossy girls and I then developed a reputation for pulling pig tails and the such like if you have read previous blogs it was around this time my parents divorced and I think in reality it was way too early for me to be involved with the female of the species!

D: a classy girl that wanted to go out with me within the first week of senior school, I think it was primarily my long(ish) hair and the fact that I was just a little bit different, I was more interested in music than sport which at the time was pretty odd, we went out for weeks as opposed to months, we went to the local swimming baths with about six million other people on a regular basis! She had a thing for my family as she went out with my brother five years later for about the same length of time.

S: a girl with an older brother like me who liked music, the same as me and we went out a few times over the course of two years sometimes to the pictures mainly chilling listening to her brothers record collection, it was in this relationship that I heard for the first time that often used excuse (well it seemed to be for me) “we are better as friends I can really talk to you” and truth be told yes I think she made the right call as we stayed friends until after we left school, but lost touch as she went off to university, another body who escaped the clutches of Gimpsville and truth be told (I’d like to think at least)  a friend that I still miss to this day in a strictly platonic way. Although I doubt that she felt the same, it was all about a connection at that time, I suppose, that and the fact we were on the same page, or at least I thought we were, I’m not that bright when it comes to the female of the species!

J: we met at the local YMCA disco and she was the first girl I ever went out with who didn’t go to my school which was unheard of  and worse still she was a catholic she was surely damned to the very gates of hell, well she was if she listened to her friends (oh how I miss the good old days) again we went out a for a few months we hung around with the same bunch of people it was never anything serious I don’t think I was mature enough for her, the first girl I went out that the parents liked me, or at least were polite enough to hide their true feelings to my face, mind you I liked them I thought that they were great! again me with my long hair, and oh yes my brother went out with her later, again I think it was the older man that he was hahaha!

A: ah the love of my life (hahaha kids what do they know) my nemesis, in the nicest possible way, a stunningly beautiful girl who actually wanted to go out with me and to be honest it scared the living hell out me, and even at the tender age of thirteen I knew that this girl was going to not only steal my heart but keep it in a lead lined box and bury it out on the moors. She did and it’s still out there somewhere! We seemed suited to each other and we lasted about eight months, longer than my friends and their relationships, and we had mainly good times although she did say she wasn’t happy when I was grumpy or sarcastic (girls are so clued up so much more than boys) having said this, this is the only girl I ever bought a record for (and that means something trust me) and I actually still have a single that I borrowed off her  (in pristine condition if your that interested its Lena Lovich Lucky Number, I borrowed it so I could tape the b side) we sort of drifted for no reason other than I had friends that did different things to her circle of friends, damn I was so independent then……(not)

S: a different one again from another school we met again at the YMCA and again was out there on the perimeter, and we lasted a few weeks over the summer of 1978 we enjoyed the summer holidays down the river, we split for no reason other than distance she lived three miles away at a time when I didn’t have a lot of money or even a telephone it was a different time compared to now, what with mobiles and farcebook and all that goes with it, we started dating again in the run up to Christmas but again as the circle of friends fragmented so did our relationship, but we did stay as friends until she moved off to Cornwall, another person to escape the clutches of Gimpsville!

M: the younger sister of J and we were just wild in a nice way we always fought (nice ways) just full of youth nothing malicious on either side and again great times with great friends we were kids for god’s sake just knocking around the streets or going places that didn’t cost much, again different friends and different circles but it was nice while it lasted.

D: another girl from the YMCA who I dated for a few weeks again we were better friends and we realised it, not a lot in common and if I had been more mature I should have realised there was a darkness in the background that was there for all to see, as she got older she went to dark places not many others dare visit, the last time I heard about her she was in a hospital the types with bars on the windows, maybe I wasn’t as good a friend that I thought I was!

A: and back to the arms of my nemesis, there was a party scene (hahaha that sounds so decadent)  and not everybody went to them, me and a few friends did because we hung out with older kids, and by scene I mean there was cider present and nothing else happening (it was still the seventies) most of the kids I went to school with were so square, me and my best mate  stood out like a sore thumb and boy did we know how to have a good time, that’s as in good clean fun ( I really was a good boy) anyway somebody in our year decided to have a party and we tagged along, although we were welcomed with open arms, just as well really otherwise the place would have been trashed and that’s not really what we were about, A turned up with friends and playfully ignored me and got interested when we chased some kids away who weren’t invited , all the while my best friend was making plans (behind my back) saying I was still interested in her (which I was because she was stunning, simply the best looking girl in the school) the parents of the party house thankfully turned up sooner than anticipated (thankfully for them) and A having been dropped off by her dad and had no way of getting home for two hours so I gallantly offered to walk her to Gimpsville so she could get a bus home, I had enough money to get her home from Gimpsville but that was it, so I walked her to the bus and got a kiss on the cheek for being a gentleman ( I always was, please let my memory be right I would hate to think that I was never a gentleman) it was a night that I still cherish as it made me a happy bunny (go figure) and we went out for about a year, until one day I asked somebody to pass a message to her which wasn’t relayed correctly, and she took a hissy fit big style (again that’s how I remember it, I stand to be corrected) and that was it we were finished and she hated me for it, if I had been more mature I should have found out, but you know what I was fifteen and I didn’t give a rats ass (seems to be a popular theme throughout the blogs hahaha and the one regret that I carry in life regarding any relationship, this didn’t end because it had ran its course, it ended because I was so immature) and that was it, actually I did give a rats ass I just wasn’t mature enough to show it! she never looked at me again her friends hated me anyway and did everything in their power to keep me away, it was at this point I became not a nice person, I was annoyed at the way we had ended not towards her or her friends but with myself, as I thought I was a nice person (did I mention at any point that girls mature quicker than boys) it was around this time I became a dick, probably hormones and the such like, even today I don’t know, but I was never the same after this, in some ways what little confidence I had was crushed and I became an angry young man again my problem, nothing to do with the ladies who had been in my life .

A: (not the same A)by far the longest  of my school relationships and we were a good match although she had went out with a friend I had no idea she liked me, until her friend asked me, to be honest I should have said no there and then, but did I mention I had turned into a dick, she lived across the road from A if I had any brains I would have realised that I was being insensitive (that should read a dick and again I was becoming an even angrier young man and I had no reason why) I left school and joined the army for 5 minutes, I simply wasn’t the same person when I came back and I think I scared her, she said I had a look in my eyes that well, we finished, enough said. Actually, this A was the first girl I ever finished with and I regretted it straight away, but no amount of pleading would resolve the issues, I would love to have put the story right but that wasn’t possible.

M: six weeks of sheer hell mind, I didn’t exactly help, I think the only reason her dad never killed me was he was an ex squaddie, he definitely didn’t like me, let’s just say by this time I had very very long hair, thankfully she took a shine to other people with long hair, although she tried to keep me on a leash, it didn’t work because I was more interested in drink and not wasting money on her. I’m led to believe she was only interested in me because dare I say it I was still a virgin (not for long) and her interest withered soon after, what the hell, at this point I wasn’t interested in life at all anyway.

E: another strange relationship somebody who was so clingy but didn’t want to be seen out in public with me, (was I that bad ….answers on a postcard to didn’tcarethen.com ) thankfully by this time I was moving about a lot, so I was not always in London, a nice girl but strange.

D: an older person than me Ok so only two years older and again a relationship damaged by me and my wild ways(and by wild ways I mean my drinking and the inability to act like an adult), her dad had great sympathy for me as he had served in Korea, and knew straight away what was wrong with me, a lovely man but the relationship was doomed as I had no intention of moving to Manchester and besides she didn’t like music (damn how shallow can I be) I knew it was doomed as I got on better with her parents than I did with her!

And that was it, I went on a few blind dates but I was mainly there to make the numbers up, usually at the behest of my mate’s wives/partners because they knew I was a safe bet and good company (as long as I wasn’t out of my tree) I was the go to guy to make up the numbers, I was the perfect gentleman, I held open car doors, pulled out chairs  and generally made sure that these girls got home safe and sound, that was until one night in August 1984.

AM: My first wife and to be serious for a moment, this should never have happened but this is what happens when you are a raving loon and so is the girls dad, you think that you can match the lunatic for being a bigger lunatic(trust me you can’t) it wasn’t a bad relationship she just spent money she didn’t have (but I did) and she had Daddy issues (Ok he was her stepfather, but in my book he was still sick) if he had ignored the situation it would have been over in six weeks, but he didn’t and he pushed and I pushed back twice as hard, which when I think about was the stupidest thing in the world, I realised this when he beat the crap out of four blokes (yes four)  when they laughed at his new glasses and called him Dennis Taylor, the man was a complete head the ball, when we decided to get married in all honesty it was only to wind him up, unfortunately it just took him to higher levels of lunacy, he threatened to stab any of the family who turned up! Needless to say my friends and family had a great time, again she did stick by me when I had a few more “issues” but by this time I had quit drinking so that was something, or so I thought, my only regret is that I wish she had been as honest as we had said we would be with each other, but in the end you never know what anybody else is thinking, I misjudged her and that was a blow to me again, I was quite happy to move on and live the life of solitude but you learn you move on, I was unhappy when we split, but it wasn’t the end of the world, it wasn’t like when my nemesis cut me out her life,  I was more upset she lied, I don’t like liars. That was it for nearly five years I really did keep out of the way of the opposite sex, I realised that I probably wasn’t boyfriend/husband material, I’m not here to give anybody grief or heartache I regret any heartache I caused in any of the relationships I have mentioned. All I think I have ever wanted out of any of my relationships has been honesty.

The wife: I have to be super careful as she is sat behind me with a bloody big baseball bat.... tee hee! We chatted for a while when we first met and she got me drunk, she gets me (after nearly twenty-five years you would hope so) she likes most of the same things I do, we share a common taste in many things including humour and the such like. She’s bossy, but I knew that when we met and I really don’t have an issue with that, the only problem is the Kraken, but what the hell do I know. We have been through good times and bad times and are likely to go through a fair few more; I wish I could grow organs as quick as she can harvest them! She does have a few annoying habits, but nowhere near as many as me, so I think she wins hands down on that one.

We are very much on the same page for a lot of things and I know I can be a “major” pain but she does have my back and has helped me through a lot of heartache, she knows I mean well (hahaha I hope she does) and all though we do have some hum dingers in the house we do try and present a unified front out there in the world. Are we perfect hell no, but we try and (hopefully) we tell each other the truth that is all that matters, everything else we can work on, but we always need to tell each other the truth, whether it’s in my dress sense (thanks dear) or if I say I have no organs left to sell, hopefully she believes me hahahaha, hopefully we can grow old(er) together and be happy in our very old age!

And that’s the history of me and girls, as I get older I realise the regrets that I had and all of the help that the girls in my life did to help me , even if they didn’t know it at the time, if I was still in therapy my therapist would have a field day with me regarding this particular blog, my intentions were always innocent, well as innocent as a teenage boy could be! they may not have been perceived as such at the time, funnily enough I have only met one of  my previous girlfriends since I left school to chat to and I was oblivious to who she was (my eye sight really is that bad) I could not apologise enough and yes I felt like the worse person in the world! (I still do).

Not spicy enough for you then tough it was meant to be a bit of fun, although some of the prose in the blogs can be a bit dark I don’t want everybody to think that I’m a complete misery (the wife knows that! nobody else needs to) I am trying to mix and match, as an exercise it was good, I really had to think and I missed out a few one off dates because of the “we are better as friends and I can really talk to you” routine, I was always as dumb as a box of frogs when girls fancied me (and I’m told they did) it’s the old Billy Connolly routine complaining I couldn’t get a girl to like me when there was one sticking their tongue in my ear(trust me that never really happened I was just using it to prove my point) and my mates would just laugh at me. I was described as being born too late! Whatever that means or is it just because I was always (and hopefully still am) a gentleman. Well at least I try to be, I hope they think that as well, probably not, as I have looked back in rose tinted glasses, I do hope I wasn’t (that much of) a shit! Well after this little lot maybe not anymore hahaha!

I doubt that this blog should really cause to much of a stir because it’s highly unlikely that any of my ex-girlfriends are stalking me and has being reading my blogs, I don’t think I have put anything slanderous in (and believe me I probably could, mind you they could probably do more about me) the blog has been written in broad strokes, it was nice to remember a more pleasant time without the world on my shoulders, now to close the doors and move on down the road

Until the next time ……………. Toodles!

Sunday, 19 March 2017

Keep The Faith


And so it came to pass in the bad old days some fecker told you what to do or what to think those days are long gone! THANK FUCK!

I know some people will think that this part is going to be a long rant about religion well it’s not as far as I’m concerned you can believe whatever you want it’s your life, I have no desire to affect anybody else’s belief’s I have no intention of forcing my way of life on anybody and that includes anybody in my immediate orbit! Do you believe in an individual that’s up to you and good luck with that I hope it works out for you!

Me hell yeah I believe in something! I have absolutely no idea in what, but at times of doubt talking to someone up there helps me so what! I believe it’s what I want to believe not some grey haired old dude on a cloud or a fat (hang on that’s a tad close to me) gadgy or whatever deity there is out, most of my beliefs are Karma driven I’m a believer that if I do something bad something equally bad will actually happen to me (I must have been really bad in a previous life hahaha), superstitious it might be but who cares other than me it’s my belief so fuck you!

I was brought up within a religious family and if you want to know I enjoyed it, I didn’t have any issues, Sunday school got us out of the boring part of the service old farts singing and all the other stuff that goes with it, sitting reading (fab I loved it) books or drawing and colouring (uurgh I could take it or leave it) and sometimes presents of books and the such like it was an informal way of getting religion into somebody’s life and I didn’t have an issue with it, what  I did have an issue (you should have seen this one coming)was when my mother who was deeply religious until the day she died, was cast aside by the church she loved like she was nothing (which in reality she wasn’t) and thats where most of this ranting is going to come from!

If you have got this far you will have my thoughts on various other things including divorce and the such like so this kind of ties in with what I have ranted about before (hahaha) we lived in Gimpsville for my first few years and we went to Christchurch in Gimpsville (still one of my favourite churches) and all that entailed, we went as a family it wasn’t something my mum pushed on us and to be truthful we went because we wanted to, I have no recollection at that stage of me and my brother rebelling against religion why would we were just kids, When we moved out on to the delta and rather than get public transport (even in the golden age of the seventies it was nonexistent on a Sunday morning) we went to a local service by the same vicar in the local school hall, or rather by the curate as the vicar sometimes didn’t give a shit for about fifteen families on the edge of his community (oops sorry bile starting to creep in even at that age I thought that) but again I didn’t have an issue with it, again more reading and the such like.

Then the divorce happened and those men of religion started turning up to offer advice (which at the time was probably more than they would do but damn they were so out of sync with the world view even then) and that was that my mother should stay with a husband who was obviously a dodgy tosser (sorry technical description) now at this moment my mother showed her real steel and basically said she wanted to do her own thing (good for her) it was at  this point she became a pariah and for a little while she was refused communion even at the local service and I can vividly remember her leaving me and my brother at home and for her to go to Christchurch and the main service and she was actually refused entry (you sanctimonious pieces of .....continued at havearant.com) and it was the only time that I ever remember her being truly upset over the divorce we are not talking faceless members of the community we are talking about somebody who was a personnel friend of the vicar and curate, it was at this point me and my brother got rebellious and we didn’t hold back what we thought, the first time I ever voiced an opinion and my mother never told us to behave you reap what you sow I believe is the lesson.

My brother and I continued to go until we were confirmed and for the last few years until that point we were totally rebellious and she had a real struggle on her hands. But in her eyes she had made a promise for us to go until we were indeed confirmed, in fact after I was confirmed they only got one photograph as I was headed out the door and as I went I told the vicar in no uncertain terms never to speak to me again after the treatment of my mother he was fair game as far as I was concerned, that started a period of unrest for my mum, thankfully new people came to the church and they were treated cordially but they knew not to try and be anything other than civil with those boys because we would shred them to bits, there was one curate who upon discovering where I worked he actually said “you look after my pension plan” it was instant hatred from there on in, things in fact came to ahead when the former husband of my sister in law got the full treatment for having his second (and third) marriages blessed at our church, my brother stood and harangued the staff for weeks with the hypocrisy here were people who didn’t even go to church being allowed things that my mother wasn’t allowed and we as two loving sons showed a united front of kicking of big style.

Over the years it got better and indeed staff of later years were a lot more receptive (hahaha that’s because more of their flock got divorced)   but even then they knew not to talk about anything religious around us just keep it simple, thankfully my mum was welcomed back into the fold at the main church and she even took my niece (because she wanted to go with her Nana and that’s not a bad thing in my book) primarily to christingle services and the such like, my mum when she passed was buried from Christchurch and to be honest I didn’t take it all in for fecks sake I was burying my mother but it was exactly what my mum would have wanted, although I haven’t been in the church since I think my days with that church are done.

My kids were not brought up with any particular religious beliefs and if they had wanted to go I would have took them, they both went to a Catholic school so I suppose they knew what they needed to, some of my family are still religiously bigoted as Gimpsville is still to a small degree (thankfully shrinking all the time) bigoted you couldn’t be a tradesman at Consett steel works if you were a catholic you wouldn’t get a job in certain industries according to which church you went to (that’s in all denominations) Pathetic to think that even in this day and age that religion still has a bearing on what you want to do with your life, one of my uncles whenever he met one of my girlfriends would ask “what foot do you kick a ball with?” he soon stopped, and for a while I took pleasure in telling him a girl was catholic even if she wasn’t, sad old twat!

Another glorious thing about religion and it was perpetuated by the actual churches, when my first wife who I married in a registry office although she was a catholic, I did offer to get married in a church for her sake but she didn’t want to force her religion on me(yeah right like she had a say in it!), but when we moved to Gimpsville, religion was reignited in her (was it because of me hahaha was I the devil incarnate I think not) she was refused communion and all that goes with it, because she was not married in the eyes of her church. I came home from work one Sunday to discover her crying I took her straight back to the church to do whatever was necessary to make my wife happy. I had never been in this particular church (why would I, I wasn’t a catholic but I did have a keen interest as my father had been the clerk of works when the church was being built the only protestant on the job) and because I like churches I was having a good old look around, well I forgot that Catholics genuflect so yes you guessed the wife bent her knee and me not looking I went right over the top of her “infidels” you could hear the cries of horror from the congregation hahaha like I gave a care! Nobody would sit next us (must have been the horns) and Father smith was over the moon that I was prepared to bring any children up as Catholics (there was never any intention for children hahaha) but he nearly swallowed his cup when he found out that my local church was indeed Christchurch hahahaha oh that was one fun night and when he said I had to go through lessons he got the message that I didn’t need to  go once I started quoting religious scripture at him chapter and verse (it’s like football you want the same thing and even the strips are the same but you do feel the need to hate each other) I will have to admit that I wasn’t aware that I had so much religion in me, but I got my message across and as for the lessons I never did go.

The blessing was short and sweet like the rest of the marriage and the religious aspect didn’t stop her cheating on me ah bless, she was probably absolved in confession or was that the cunning plan all along, who knows, who cares, be honest, tell the truth and if you have to move on, then move on don’t lie and certainly don’t hurt someone who thinks that you love them as much as they think that they love you! Most of my friends are Catholics I really have no issue with any religion as long as they don’t try and ram it down my throat that stands for Muslims, Buddhists any religious order good luck to you and all who sail with you, but that is your choice not mine so don’t come to me with your ideals and I won’t come anywhere near you with me!

I love churches and for many years I would seek them out wherever I was living for the solace and for me to contemplate whatever was flowing that brain of mine, usually a shit load of turmoil and I was usually (thankfully) left to my own devices thankfully any church will do, any denomination I don’t care it’s the solitude I crave and I don’t do it as much as I used to but I’m more than happy in my life so maybe thats not a bad thing, I’m not against religion as I said at the beginning, what I am against is bigoted people trying to enforce the indocterined beliefs onto somebody who may belief most of what they are preaching they just don’t like the way it’s been force fed to the masses, we are supposed to intelligent people let us make our own decisions without the Spanish inquisition. It’s exactly that thought process that over the years that has killed millions (and still is) because people twist the words of whatever prophet they follow so that it fits their skewed view of the world!

I’m a firm believer in eat drink and be merry and fuck the rest of them! Oops sorry went into rant mode just a little bit, normal service will now be resumed! Until the next time …..Toodles.