Saturday, 21 January 2017

The Saltwater Imposters


I had a cunning plan to buy myself a new laptop (I couldn’t afford one I was just being petulant because I wanted one not a good sign really) but god in his infinite wisdom decreed that I had a little bit of a lie in the next morning so I took it as a sign that god thought I didn’t really need one! I still had to hit the streets because we needed some bread and I said I would do my good deed of the day but I wish I hadn’t the shops are actually only shut for twenty four hours boys and girls and I have never seen so many aggravated people in my life getting annoyed over parking, standing in line and fighting over the last box of French fancies I was out of the house maybe twenty minutes but I didn’t see much season of good will.

We actually hadn’t had any cunning plans for new year we were just going to play it by ear there is no point us organising anything we live too far away and besides I wouldn’t want to bring friends to Gimpsville good god I want to keep them, it had been the wife’s birthday the day before and she always whinges for six months in the run up to it that she doesn’t want to go out but when it comes to the day (oooh just about noon) she starts going “ I wonder if anybody is interested in going out” well that was defused (thankfully) by E saying “come to ours and we can head off to the Woody and see peeps” so we organised a dog sitter (off to the Kraken’s) we sorted the house and generally just pottered I had started making notes for a blog (One last train heading straight out of Gimpsville) which by the time I published it I knew my heart wasn’t in it because I wanted to finish the book (and if your reading this then hey you have the new book) but notes were required because I know now that I will forget many of the really good details that sometimes make these little ditties humorous.

The bath was run and I soaked forty minutes away (aaah) got hot to trot and just as the wife had set out to head to the Kraken she had received a message that the computer was fixed (another sign for no new lap top) so headed out to get it and tried to do a second good deed of the day and set the bloody thing up (erm no not a good idea) so I did a bad thing nothing that the technical services department of the house couldn’t resolve (that’s the wife if you didn’t already know) I decided seeing as how I was going to be with the wife I would send all my new year texts late afternoon so that people would get them in time and I wouldn’t be too drunk to be annoying (me with my reputation hahahaha I think not) so texts dutifully sent I ended up with one or two back including one from somebody more technologically retarded than myself (calling thunderbird one) so I knew that it was his wife (and I was correct) that had sent it and after a quick phone call to confirm that and new year greetings said the devils device was switched off. We actually had loads of spare time so we set off and headed out of Gimpsville (Consett boys and girls do try and keep up) and traffic was quite light it wasn’t until we got into South Shields that we encountered any difficulties and the wife never lost her cool once (I know I couldn’t believe it either) we swung around the corner on two wheel and the millennium falcon was  directed to a landing spot by a foolhardy member of the ground crew (get out of the way get the hell out of the way) but when we arrived at passport control we were greeted by a terrible sight G was actually drinking (you need to sit down for this one) POP it was unbelievable we nearly turned and left at the point (well ok maybe’s not) but G with pop in his hand I never thought I would see the day.

As I had said there were no plans made but we were going to go with the flow of the great river and see where it would take us and as we had finished our drinks (well it would have been rude not too) we were heading to Kev and Amanda’s who were having a small get together and because E and G were invited on the afternoon we tagged along (as requested)  for a quick drink before pushing back into the flow of the river, Their party was in full swing mode by the time we got there and after saying our hello’s (and indeed serenading G bucket on the doorstep) we had (large) drinks thrust into our hands and the game was indeed afoot, we mingled we drank and then we mingled some more it was at this point that I discovered that the Arga In the kitchen was actually a drinks cabinet (who would have known) and around this time we were all offered at first some Banana rum which was a delightful little number and I shall be scouring the local drink aisles for some (woo hoo) I did decline the Honey rum because I didn’t like the smell and to be honest I was wobbling already as the hosts are indeed fabulous hosts and don’t leave you with an empty glass to be had, there was great music playing in the background (Little Feat who although I don’t a lot about them whenever I hear them I always enjoy them, a bit of Black Sabbath and we finished off with some Sensational Alex Harvey Band  )  there were one or two faces who although I had met before I had never talked to them before but as the night was going really well, everybody talked to everybody and there was some bloody good craic!

The wife’s boots disintegrated and Amanda came to the rescue and because shoes where the order of the day G soon found a young ladies pair and yes you guessed it he was soon parading around the room like a trollop (and he wondered the next morning as to why his feet where bloody sore) the night went so well that even G had to take a break and disappeared into the back yard for some fresh air (well three quarters of a bottle of jack does that to you did I tell you how good our hosts where) we by this time were out of the main stream of the river and were gently going down a little side stream that was just so good you just had to go with the flow. We headed to the local pub ( I believe it was The Lookout but I’m sure I will be corrected at some point) and even more frivolity was had, SMOR was there now whether this had been planned or not I’m not sure because by this time I was incredibly drunk not falling down slur your words type of drunk but drunk nevertheless SMOR was there with a lady friend who we hadn’t met before (was that really the best time to introduce us with our reputation oops!) but we did indeed try to be on our (hahaha) best behaviour I do remember chatting (don’t ask me what about I have no idea but I haven’t been told off yet so that’s a good thing) at this point I did indeed miss quite a few things namely the wife and a new young friend who got up for the karaoke (I didn’t even know there was a karaoke in the bloody pub hahaha how much had I had to drink) we had a little bit extra to drink there was a small scuffle at the bar (allegedly) a small flood on the pool table which because I was in my own little (drunken) universe I missed oh dear how sad at some point we lost SMOR and the lovely Jan and we followed the river that flowed out of the bar and into Tourette’s Jeff’s house which even in my drunken state (and the fact that it was indeed dark) I could admire it was lovely, the place was segregated to smokers and none smokers and the conversation flowed along with all the bloody alcohol I was starting to get on an even keel but I could see the wife starting to slowly sink under the weight of alcohol (not lots but she doesn’t really do alcohol that often so it soon catches up with her) an empty stomach and her head was starting to blitz her (migraine alert) we saw the new year in had some fun with a back to front toilet door handle but slowly but surely we knew the river was picking up a current that we needed to take, we always hate this point because we always seem as if we are the party poopers and have to drag everybody away, but the wind carried us out in the mid-stream and we said our goodbyes and as we were leaving more people turned so we did our best soft cell impersonation and we said hello and waved goodbye and I soon got my bearings and headed towards the nearest star on the chart, and after a short walk we were at our home port now I remember the walk back but I have no recollection and I was dragged by a magnetic current upstairs to that lovely comfy bed (yawn zzz!) the wife followed and although I slept as always the sleep of the dead the wife did indeed suffer a poor night (shows you how much help I can be) and our lovely host (allegedly) stayed up to make a sandwich (no idea drunk as a skunk and fast asleep hahaha) G was abused in the bedroom department (no not by E but by Cookie who was just making a point I believe) and there was the end of our New Years Eve!

I awoke refreshed as always but was the last person down the stairs G was in a cravat and dressing gown  I kid you not and we also got a demonstration of his James Bond style walking stick although I don’t think the manufacturers realised that it could indeed be used as a killing implement but E was sure going to have a bloody good go, the tide had turned and the river was indeed heading back up the hill and because we had babysitting duties once again thrust upon us (Grrr!) so we climbed aboard and waved goodbye not the evening that had been intended but a fantastic night as always.

We arrived home to a house full and although I was sensible and prepared the dinner in advance it was uninspired and I think the wife and I were indeed missing everybody from the previous evening, we ducked we dived we put the grandson to bed and realised that we indeed had started a new chapter in our lives as a new year had indeed started.

We do indeed have many cunning plans and (not so) strange ideas which hopefully will come to fruition but all we can do is really go with the flow land on the shores the river takes us to with our new friends and some saltwater imposters along the way the deed is done and hopefully we can reach our destination without too much hardship or pain.

I hope that you all enjoy reading the Blogs as much as I have enjoyed writing them and hopefully this will be the right step in the right direction, until the next time and maybe another step down memory lane……Toodles!

Sunday, 15 January 2017

Fashion tips for an older Gentleman


One thing that you could never mistake me for is somebody who is comfortable in expensive clothes, you could put me in an expensive designer suit and I would still look like a bag of shite tied in the middle, it’s really not me!

When I was a kid it was always once I got out of school straight into jeans and t-shirt for a short time I was fashionable with Santos jeans (maybe it was just a Gimpsville thing) but I soon migrated to skinny jeans and I wasn’t bothered at how beat up they were, the worse the better as far as I was concerned. And for a while all I would wear on my feet were Dunlop Green Flash!

After the Army I lived in my combat jacket and was soon back into jeans and T-shirt and stayed like that until about 1985 when my first wife tried to help, me all she did was turn me into a clothes horse which I hated, it was so funny the day I moved out it was a van for my record and CD collection but the clothes I took (yes you guessed it combat jacket and jeans and t-shirts) sat on my lap in a hold all, I left all the other shite where it was wanted.

At this point I branched out into shirts and Jeans see I was starting to mature, and yes at this point I bought myself a suit for official occasions (I wore it three times) but that was it I had bags stashed in people’s houses all over the country that usually had a clean pair of Jeans a plain or sometimes a tour t-shirt with clean underwear in case I turned up unannounced, be prepared was my motto. It was funny I got some stuff back (dropped off at my mother’s) and the Jeans were a 28 inch waist (hahahaha) and the t-shirt was a small oh dear!

The wife bless her has tried valiantly to try and help me (with only moderate success) I don’t look good in clothes (trust me I look worse out of them) I feel guilty if I spend money on clothes I’m the wrong shape (Round is a shape) for a lot of things out in the fashion world, I can appreciate good clothes, and most of my friends look fab with a good eye, and their own style, me most of my clothes come from Asda and I’m at peace with that, maybe if I got back to being the buff thing that I was then maybe’s but I couldn’t/wouldn’t  justify spending a lot of money on clothes that I probably would look comfortable in!

Is this a complaint nope, hell no! do you guys not know me I’m a go with the flow kind of guy, with my own kind of inner compass (Ok the wife always tells me if I look like a prat) I don’t knowingly go out dressed without actually running absolutely every single part of what I’m wearing past her, I really do not have a clue. It’s funny how my brother does, mind you I have never dressed fashionably in my life so no faux pauxs that have  the potential to come back and bit me in the ass, I have always dressed shite so at least I’m consistent.

Any issues with what is contained within in any of my blogs past and present, please refer to the Fashion police’s handbook page one “this man is not to be trusted please dress him” that’s all it says on all the pages but by god it’s certainly true!  

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Broken Home


I’m from a broken home there I’ve said it got it out in the open and yes we had hard times because of it, my parents divorced at a time when it was nearly impossible to get a judge to agree to see a case like this! It wasn’t like it is today go sign a piece of paper and crack on, my family was the first family that I’m aware of going through this and I was certainly the first in my school and boy did I get some stick! did I buckle and go under? No if anything I think it made me the person I am today (is that a good thing probably not) I didn’t understand it at the time I didn’t really question it, it was something that happened I never expressed any anger over it until many years later after an unexpected letter.

I’m not against divorce it’s a sensible thing and should be done with the minimum amount of fuss for all concerned hell I’ve been divorced once myself (more of which later) what I am against is all the shit that both sides try and throw at each other, the blame that is usually present in modern day divorces there is always problems on both sides usually more on one than the other but nobody is totally perfect, there was probably loads more thrown in my own parents divorce than either I or my brother know, our family was/is very good at keeping secrets, I’m not hells bells I keep writing these books so all’s fair in love and war.

I remember the first place we lived was a first floor flat with three bedrooms quite large I loved it there although I never liked the stairs at either end of the flat ( I visited it many years later and laughed out loud at how steep they aren’t hahahaha) I remember we moved really quickly or I thought we did, my mother confirmed many years later that we had indeed moved quickly, done and dusted within 6 days we moved to a council house in Delves Lane with a huge garden my brother and I loved it, my dad enjoyed the garden although to be honest about the only time I remember seeing him at that house was in the garden I don’t really remember him anywhere else but 38 years down the line my memory is decidedly fuzzy, did I love my dad of course I did he was my dad, did he love me and my brother that I’m not so sure of, my father was a deep person one of the traits I think I have inherited from him (hopefully the only one)we had been at the house for about eighteen months when things became strained people turning up at the door that kind of thing and hushed conversations not for the ears of the boys, if I was in the bath my brother would be pushed into the bathroom to look after obviously so I wouldn't drown in a bath only four inches deep!me my brother being 3 years older than me knew something was adrift but he certainly didn’t confide in me hell I was 7 years old what would I have said.

Then there was the time when my dad slept in my brothers room and me and my brother slept in my mum’s room this happened for a few weeks and we both realised that all was not well and things were so strained that voices were no longer hushed and then all of a sudden my dad was no longer there he was gone, my mum sat us down and tried to explain the best she could, I was again oblivious I wasn’t really aware I probably thought it was a temporary thing, in those days a day was a lifetime its only as I get older that a day shrinks as you get older, I believe my brother was devastated and the sense of betrayal stung my brother for many years, he was older and much closer to my dad, but this wasn’t the end of it, after he had gone there were many strange happenings in the house things moved, items went missing and to be honest my mum thought she was losing what was left of her mind, it transpired it was my dad the lunatic was sleeping out in the garden shed on a night time and then coming in when the house was in darkness, he was doing childish little things, needless to say a quick meaningful conversation with  my mum's two brothers soon put paid to that.

Worse was to come in those days you had to appear in front of a judge and he very nearly threw my mum in jail for contempt of court after she had finally had enough and just would not be silenced she lost it in the court well and truly when my dad had the audacity to say that she was an unfit mother who was mentally unhinged she very nearly played into his hands, now this is where me and divorce don’t agree it was obvious that this was indeed not the truth and the case was revolving around a man telling a pack of lies to cause as much hurt and pain that he could, the fact that my dad fighting for custody for his two sons was just unbelievably stupid he couldn’t look after us even if he wanted to (which he really didn’t) here was a man who would lie if you asked what day it was! why well because he could.

It was a very close run thing and my mum finally won (if you can call it that) purely because he couldn’t get his facts consistent but hey he still dragged it out for 3 days and in those days legal aid meant you paid no matter what you had, and it took my mother 6 years to pay for her divorce but she never missed a payment, my mum was awarded custody and my father had to pay £3 a week for both of us (he only ever payed once and my mum never cashed it we found it the day after she died) and he was allowed to see us every other week on a Saturday this was indeed was when the fun would begin!

He would pick us up from the top of the street and we would climb aboard a bus and head to Newcastle to wander the streets or if the weather was bad he would take us to the Odeon in Newcastle to see triple bills of films that me and my brother never really understood he barely interacted with us, and spent as little on us as possible then back on the bus to be left to run down the street back home, we probably went about 8 times then in the October he had to go and work away (in London so he claimed ) and the next time we would see him was on the Christmas eve, an occasion that made me hate Christmas eve to this day and something I will (possibly) visit in a later Blog, this was the last time we ever saw him he sent a few scribbled letters and he was soon dispatched to the rear of my mind because times got harder and I had other things to worry about.

By this time people at school were aware of the situation (my brother and I have never discussed this god knows what he went through, I was about to descend into hell) and although my teachers were fabulous my brother and I just got on with it heads down and tried to do our best, but kids being kids there were some mean nasty things said, all of which I would never repeat here and yes they are still with me in my heart because I hold a grudge for life not just for Christmas, I would have the last laugh though, because within two years there would be an epidemic of divorce and I was a hardened survivor of the trials and tribulations and the people who had been horrible to me got it back in spades, I showed no mercy and left many of my peers in total disarray something I am not proud of all these years later, but it is something I would do again in a heartbeat if the opportunity arose again, why? These people put me through hell simply because they could and seeing them cry (and they did indeed break their hearts) made me feel stronger than them, I had come through that particular battle scarred but not beaten. Times moved on and indeed a lot of these blogs will cover the later years some of which I’m incredibly proud of and some of which I’m not, Did this make me a stronger person it did indeed but I also paid a heavy price I feel that I’m quite emotionally closed off, my friends that I have are very touchy feely (in a great way) and I don’t know how to respond if you were to ask me how many times I hugged my mother (and I did indeed love her) I can tell you without missing a beat 5 times Twice at both my weddings  once after the birth of my daughter the day I came home from the army and the day she died I kissed her only twice the day I married Shirley and the day she died. When I met Shirley and her daughter I made a promise to do better and it’s a sad fact that I wish I could have done better for my mother she knew I loved her  and I knew she loved me but we kept each other at arm’s length  for the rest of our lives.

I got divorced before I was 22 we should never have got married, but I love a challenge and it was the best thing I could to wind up my bride's step father! but there has always been something about somebody telling me that I can’t do something, I learnt the hard way and although I was the wronged party I walked away with nothing, simply because I wanted to be free, do I hate her for what happened no I was only disappointed she lied and didn't keep her word to tell me if she was unhappy!and I couldn’t live with someone who wasn’t being truthful I didn’t hate her although at the time I didn’t like what she had done to me, but the lesson was learnt and it cost me a fortune, but I was happy! simple honesty would have saved us both a lot of heartache and to be honest the relationship had run its course if we had conversed we could have saved what little heartache we went through, we have spoken briefly a number of times since and there is no regret or remorse on either of our sides (I hope) again I hope to cover the topic in another chapter because there was some incredibly silly moments in our time together and some serious threats of violence from her step father towards me unfortunately for him I was a dumbass, he didn’t scare me (he should of) as much as he thought he could!

The wife also went through a painful divorce (I would like her to write her own story one day) with mudslinging and far be it for me to say that both sides were right or wrong. I feel that the case dragged on simply for the need to strike out at each other and not to let anybody else get the last shot in, I don’t disagree with what the wife did she simply stood her ground in the same way my mother did ! she did what any mother would have done but sometimes I feel a different tack might have shortened the ever dragging case, again her former partner disappeared into the background for whatever reason and we got on with our lives.

As I said at the beginning of this particular blog I’m from a broken home, but I have never played on it, I came from a loving family I had a mother who did everything she could for her two sons (to the detriment of her own life) I occasionally see the scum that pollute The Jeremy Kyle Show who usually open with I’m from a broken home, I’m from a family affected by divorce well boys and girls your talking bollocks your all scum who want the world to give you everything while you sponge of all the hard working people who got on with their lives (oops sorry I ventured off into the land of ranting) what I was trying to say was that here I am further on down the road and I like to think that apart from one or two  little foibles I’m doing alright I haven’t turned into a raving lunatic (well I suppose that depends on who you ask) I only turn into Basil Fawlty on nights that there’s a full moon and a wind blowing from the west! 
This blog is a reworking of a chapter from piffle balderdash and waffle with only a slight reworking I decided to post it here I still stand by every word, I'm from a broken home but it didn't stop me, until the next time ......Toodles!         

Monday, 2 January 2017

Guided by stars


The world as always keeps spinning and here we are in 2017 (how fast does life go?) and so I have to make a mission statement for the coming year! Don’t worry short and sweet is the name of the game (allegedly).

There’s no going back in life and I have thought a lot about this, believe there is one or two things in life I would love to go back and give myself a slap, not to change anything hell you play the cards you are dealt with live with them, mainly physical things for me, train better, avoid injury, and when injured not to play on regardless, basically act like an adult from an earlier age (LOL) I should have asked for help a damn sight sooner than I did (me with my reputation) deflection is something to be avoided at all costs stand up and fight for your life, you only get one I know I have fucked my simply because of my own stubbornness!

So here I so my statement of intent, my mission statement I intend to be a better person in the coming months, I didn’t say I would always succeed, but hell I sure as hell intend to make my lot a better one, I intend to get out and about more, now that may not always mean in a  social meaning (organs grow back slowly at my age) but I mean to get out of the house and actually feel the breeze on my pasty face! I intend to listen to more music (I’m not sure if that one is actually possible but I intend to try!) I intend to have more fun (or at least try) I definitely need more Tee Hee Club in my life I do so miss the Shields Massive so much so many good people a direct line to life!

Generally, I intend to try and stay as positive as I can, again the word being used is try, I know I’m not perfect onwards and upwards, there are many people in my life who are inspiring me at the moment, they sure as hell don’t know it but they are and I will take anything that I can to drag my weary bones up the hill! Fuck anybody who gets in the way or tries to leech all the good stuff from our lives our lives are going faster all the time, I’m so glad I realised before it was too late. I am suspending the name game for the time being, there are only a few of you playing it at the moment (barely double figures) even though the readership is consistently high triple figures, the blog has been growing on a year to year basis with in excess of 23000 hits in the last year, I want everybody to feel inclusive and not to feel left out and to be honest I am sick of having to explain the bloody name game, new plots and cunning schemes for the new year and I might try one more book (watch this space it potentially will be called 12 months) so that’s it for the first one hopefully full of positives, more to come boys and girls keep spreading the disease and watch the skies for incoming, until then for now……….Toodles!

Monday, 26 December 2016

An Assortment of Caps!


So more dithering over a new blog (potentially) the last one of the year, I say this and then usually get hit by a huge load of inspiration and blog a way on a daily basis……go figure!

So where was I, oh yes dithering, I’m getting to be good at that, not feeling what I’m writing, but still attempting to do something useful, I was back to work still with my head down and my arse up in the air, sorting the end of year for me and then getting ready for the start of the new year I have a number of tasks to complete, hopefully when I go back on Wednesday I will pull my finger out, not saying that the tasks are particular hard I just have to stay focused and to crack on!

Then I had two days of duty manager (my least favourite task) of which I could probably write a blog all about those two shifts, but my intention is not to, as it was full of utterly horrible people, I despair for the human race after two days of dealing with these individuals anybody who works with the general public will understand what I am on about, you have all become a bunch of whining twats, and that’s the nicest description I can give you.

It hasn’t been helped by the fact that the wife has been ill and in bed (again another blog for another time) and she was unable to come and collect me at the end of the shift, shock horror I was going to have to travel home at some ungodly on a plague carrier full of drunken arseholes ( you know the type they go to the pub once a year and think that they can hold their drink………..hang on that’s me) I got a copy of my bus time table and yeah ok a twenty minute wait at the end of my shift was achievable, imagine my horror after two shitty shifts that my wait was going to be 40 minutes (WTF) I really do need to concentrate when I look at these kind of documents! On top of this there was loads of disruptive cherubs running around (please don’t get on my bus! Thankfully they didn’t) however this meant that the queue was quite a size by the time the bus arrived and yes it was full of people so I struggled even at that time of the night to get a seat, thankfully I did and I went straight to my default position.

MP3 in and the new Metallica album at max volume (if it’s too loud……. I will turn it down ok) it didn’t sooth the savage beast, I was still annoyed (me with my reputation ) and was soon people watching, the buddies reminiscing about younger days, the drunks asleep who missed their stops, the single guys trying desperately to concentrate on where they are and checking their mobiles for some god given inspiration, the young girls who desperately don’t want anybody to sit next to them, the bus driver obviously on his last run as he tries to desperately beat the world speed record between each stop!

At this point I realised nearly all of them were wearing an assortment of caps, which if when we were younger (because I was believe it or not one of the younger male occupants of the bus) we would have mocked each other mercilessly, I wondered if the style of cap or was it just picked at random, I instantly wanted to blog as I had a million thoughts but for once I hadn’t brought any paper to fulfil my ambition (rookie mistake) to take all the salient points for a later blog! as we drew nearer to home a group of lads in the early 20’s got aboard and honestly even my mother would have drowned me for wearing anything resembling this head gear some wearing what can only be described as “Tibetan” or some “South America druids” type of headgear, I was gobsmacked! by the time I got off the bus I was still annoyed, even more when I saw the same people in the nearest club, that had been there 11 hours previously, they don’t work they all have a habit to itch you see them at the local surgery and pharmacists, pushing their way to the front of whatever queue there is, I’m not jealous of their lifestyles, just their ability to be always in a club drinking and tooting!

I arrived home still in the same mood only for it to be lightened as the wife was worse for wear and in dire need for some TLC, anger can wait for another time, and then it’s all over baby blue, the wife is still ill but now getting harassed because of it (again another blog for another time for legal reasons) and I have to ensure that the blog gets completed before my bad mood spills out in to a period of mass deletions from the hard drive, my mood is hovering at grumpy to the outside world and annoyed within the family circle, why I hear you ask? Well simply because I can!

So for the new year what are my intentions, well first and foremost I need to give my head a shake and get back to where I was earlier in the year, simply so I can have some positivity back into my step, life is what it is, I have no issues with my lot (personally) however issues with my small tribe I can’t do an awful lot for, although I am worried for these family members, fingers crossed for them, blogging shall return to normal frequencies and hopefully (if my memory serves me) some more historical blogs along the way, but for now I shall kick back (watch numbers) relax and have one or two Lynchburg lemonades, and generally listen to a lot of good music (currently Listening to Ali Maas and Micky Moody Chrome and Black and well-polished mature album give it I try you might just enjoy it) and generally try and enjoy myself just a little bit! So I hope that you got what you wanted or maybe even deserved, keep spreading the disease and until the next one, and I know I keep saying this……………….Toodles.

Sunday, 11 December 2016

Laugh or cry


You can laugh at the human predicament. You can laugh at yourself. You can laugh because the alternative is crying. You can laugh because a truism has been exposed. You can laugh at the weakness, stupidity and failures of others. You can laugh because you identify. You can laugh to be polite. You can laugh from surprise. You can laugh from nervousness. You can laugh at the futility of it all. You can laugh at the antics of animals. You can laugh because it hurts. You can laugh because others are laughing. You can laugh at tragedy if enough time has passed. You can laugh at the statement, "This is no laughing matter."



I could go on, but clearly there are many reasons to laugh. As a fun homework assignment, I encourage you to look for others, write them down and don't send them to me, until the next time Toodles!

Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Doing all right


So the holiday was over and I blogged, then I really took my foot off the gas and I kind of dithered (no surprise there then) I picked and I fussed, but I kind of steered clear of life the universe and everything.

Was I in a bad place, no not really I did a little bit of writing, notes and that kind of thing, but all in all I didn’t do a lot, did I check the stats for the blog, erm of course I didn’t, what kind of person do you think I am, ok let’s not go there, let’s not try and argue over that particular query! Our social life ground back to what we normally do (not a lot) and we bickered like an old couple (what do you mean that’s what we are …..how very dare you) and got on with our aches and pains. We didn’t raise any flags and there was only a few bumps in the road, I knew that I was sinking (blissfully) into the background, previously I would bitch about this, however I have no idea whether I have raised the white flag, but truth be told at the moment I’m quite happy to be fading into the background.

That was until the wife mentioned my birthday (basically another day closer to death….see I told you I was a happy camper) and then I got a text from G asking if we were planning a trip to see The Tee Hee Club, I answered as quickly as I could saying that yes we were indeed planning an incursion into friendly territory. The wife was happy and just a little excited but she could see the worry that was creeping into me, I go work and there’s tons of people there but in actual fact I interact with very few of them I don’t mind crowds of people, its crowds of people that I know that scares me.

Here we go another with another whinging blog, well actually no its not, in some small way I don’t want to upset the people who know me, now you never know what you can get with me, I would like to think I have improved as a companion, however over time I do still get black dog kind of days, days were I tend to overthink the day ahead, these aren’t particularly bad days but it’s me second guessing myself as life goes floating by. Now what happens here is I start to second guess myself, and I start to panic/worry, again not in a seriously bad way, just enough to sort of drag me down in the grand scheme of things, we hadn’t interacted in a social grouping in ages and although the wife is fantastic in social gatherings, me I’m not so good, I usually do come out of my shell but hey ho, it’s going to be small steps, the older I get the worse I seem to be.

In the run up though I was distracted as the wife’s collapsing routine started again first at work when I thundered through my place of work to beat first aiders and other staff, I arrived to hear this pitiful voice saying “please don’t call my husband” this kind of distracted me from my (slight) issues, however two days later when I heard a thump from upstairs and she had gone down like she had been shot, if she had stepped forward one more pace she could have quite easily broke her neck on the stairs ( I believe I may have ranted at her in the prone position) I was concerned now as she hadn’t had an episode in over a year and now two in four days, this was not what I wanted. Life went on and we did what we seem to do (even more not a lot) I had the time off for my birthday, I was off the Friday, but the wife was working, so I pottered and did a little bit of writing and made notes, nothing of any great value or importance but enough to give me a taste of what I was intending to blog (yes you guessed I didn’t use any of them). Saturday was spent with the Hurricane and we ended up at the Krakens, to carry out some hard-core pruning, and to build a basketball hoop for the hurricane (both of these tasks were sprung on me and the pruning was fine, but the hoop I had no tools, it went up but let’s just say I’m glad I don’t space shuttles for a living). We ended up doing a small amount of shopping then just vegging out for the evening, watching anything remotely to do with Freddie Mercury, I was quite relaxed, I was up bright and breezy and with the larks (that’s pilarks as I was up before 06.00 happy birthday to me) I let the wife lie a little longer, I woke quite nicely (I didn’t poke her with a stick from a distance) and then I trotted off downstairs to make her a cup of tea (how nice am I?) a very lazy morning followed by a lovely lunch (her words not mine) then after lunch she went down like she was shot, this was different though, she was conscious for the whole incident, normally it’s like somebody has turned off a switch , but this time she was wide awake, I thought she was having a stroke! Thankfully we managed to drag her onto the sofa and not the floor and when she came around and was fully Compos Mentos, she looked worried, the day didn’t look like it was going to happen, thankfully the wife is made of sterner stuff and we actually left on time.

Traffic was busy but fluid until we hit South Shields and then we ground to a halt 35 minutes to move 400 yards, we even got texts asking if we were still coming, we were, we were just a little late (aren’t we always) as we pulled up outside the wife tried to rob me and was abusive too boot (I don’t have to put up with kind of malarkey) I composed myself as we went through the doors I could see a huge scrum of people, but couldn’t identify any one person so the wife dived into grab a seat and I went off to the bar, I struggled to make the bar staff aware that I wanted a pint of Guinness and a fresh orange juice topped up with Soda water, This simply did not compute! As I went the through the rigmarole of explaining for the third G snaked up to the bar with the body of a racing snake and wished me “Happy Birthday” my nerves broke like a tide on a harbour wall, and the evening then got off to a fantastic start, as always I have no intention of doing a blow by blow account except there was shenanigans of the highest order, with so many faces and at time I was a little overwhelmed, and just sort of sat there, but I was happy, G ended up balancing on a chair at the top of the main entrance stairs, if he had sneezed he would have been down them in a flash, we had to endure a nail ripping description on how not to use a hand saw, I heard the tale three times and every time my testes shrunk inside my body for safety!

People who are having a much worse time than me, were there and we were all there for them genuine love and affection for great people, I do miss these people, they really do fill your soul with happiness, people who are going through with everything that life can go throw at them and they are still standing proud, bowed in places but not beaten,  M & L even turned up and it was fantastic to see them both as a couple, I was attacked and smothered in kisses by a lady that had been quote “shopping in Jarra” and I genuinely felt loved and ashamed to think that I had issues in my life, as always these times draw to a close far too soon and slowly but surely the wife started dragging us out of the room as we started to separate and splinter as we all started to head for the hills, on the way home I sat with a satisfied glow, knowing that this what it’s like to be embraced in the arms of a very special family.

I had lots of other issues with 3 which I might just save for another blog, I am just getting back into the mood for writing and so hopefully the pace will be picking up towards the end of the year, although the intention is to have a smidgen of quality control, we also had some Good/Bad news but that can wait until the Kraken has been informed, fight your battles on a day to day basis, I hope you all enjoyed the blog as much as I had writing the bloody thing, watch the skies, keep spreading the disease, until the next time…………………………Toodles!