Saturday 16 November 2013

Old Man

Those of you who follow me on the various social media channels will know what's coming with this one, don't worry although it's not a funny rip roaring ride it's not going to be a slide into despair either, read on and enjoy, that's what I try to make you all do when you read these!

My last 5 day week of the year as I get ready to take the remainder of my holiday and lieu time, I'm still going to be manically busy but this week was tiring for all the wrong reasons. Friday dawned and I got up really late, a mad dash to get ready and thankfully the old man of the house didn't stir as I clattered through the downstairs getting ready for my lift, I still made it on time but my morning was so out of kilter I struggled to keep my blood pressure soaring through the roof, medication taken but nothing to eat a poor combination but I got over the hump just before twelve bells, mission accomplished I thought. I as always had to deal an inordinate amount of silly people, I still can't believe how we ever made it to the top of the food chain I swear to god (or whatever religious deity that you happen to believe in this week) people are as dumb as a box of frogs.

A little after midday I noticed that I had missed a call from the wife, so I called her back and she was in bits the call that I had been dreading, today was the day the old man of the house was not well and the wife realised that today was the day, I reassured her that I would be home soon, make the arrangements and we would do the deal together. I stumbled through those last two hours and people sensed I wasn't happy and kept well out of the way, the short journey home was completed in silence, I arrived through the door to see the wife a little bit more composed with the Kraken here to support her but a stranger in the midst of  us he looked like our dog but in reality it wasn't he had that far away look in his eye and his hind quarters where quivering from all the struggle of trying to stay upright, the hour arrived and we took that last short/longest journey, the details will be with me to my last day and I have no intention of sharing them, lets just say that he will be missed.

The wife was a wreck and we had so many things that we had planned to do, she had one some tickets to a charity do and I insisted that she go, taking both daughters with her, if she had stayed in the house she would have just sunk below the water not to be raised anytime soon, as soon as she had gone I set about undogging the house, the feeding bowls the blankets any other toys I could find and the long slow task of hovering the house over and over and over again as he had been shedding his summer coat and he hated the hoover so we didn't hoover as much as we should have, we had lived on prayers and whispers for the last year in reality we knew that it was coming but we were in denial, right up until the last minute. by the time she arrived home there was next to nothing remaining ( I know that there will be many items ready to spring out and catch us off guard we will have to deal with them when they raise their ugly head).

The youngest had an audition in Manchester and we said we would take her, another excuse to get out of the house, a friend of the youngest was going as well, so when they arrived just before midnight I hurried to pack the wife off for a couple of hours sleep while I resumed catering corps duties, feeding the kids pizza and making sandwiches for the journey and the long wait in the queue. just before two I gathered the troops and ushered them into the car, a quick stop for petrol and we were away with thankfully little traffic we made good progress the rear passengers soon snoring like little chainsaws, we headed south towards Manchester like we had the law after us.

We nearly got to our destination when the wife declared we needed to hit a rest stop, we pulled into the last services before Manchester left the growling guard dogs in the back, its at this point I realise I'm not at all well, I have a chest infection which I seem to have had for ages but just can't shake it and I have more chance of winning the lottery (yeah right) than actually seeing a doctor! but that's for another blog I escorted the wife to find her coffee fix, what made gasp was the fact that  although there was only about seven people in the building, four of them were using the slot machines looking like extras from Shaun of the dead..

We climbed back into the war wagon and arrived at our destination to a sea of dweebs waiting for their chance of glory we threw the kids out so they could claim their spot, while we went and found a parking spot, we headed out to see if they were safe and sound in that caravan of zombies I had been stood with them about ten seconds, when I realised I had been on my feet about twenty four hours I needed to close my eyes and sleeeeeeeeeeep! the snatch's of conversation I was hearing were starting to annoy me I realised I was a fish out of water, the same way that old people were when me and my friends got on the bus "loudly"! I headed back to the car and was soon snoozing like a new born babe only to be disturbed as the wife climbed in beside me (hell I hope it was her) we were soon awake taking supplies to the waiting orphans who were now further compacted in zombie central, food parcel delivered we headed out to see if we could find something to keep us busy, talk about desolation boulevard there was nothing there it's Saturday morning and all we saw were loads of Asian fans having their pictures in front of a certain football ground, as we headed back to the car for more rest and recuperation, thankfully we spotted a Tesco so we body swerved and had a bacon buttie and a cup of tea.

Breakfast over the two visiting Geordie drug taking shoplifters (I saw us in a mirror and yes we did look rough) headed to sort ourselves out, we had attracted the attention of the local security who were mega suspicious why we kept splitting up (I didn't wish to share a toilet cubicle neither did I want to go in search of deodorant ya tosser!) we said our farewells and abused a glass breaking guitarist on the way back to the car, the zombie nation had multiplied I'm glad we got there when we had otherwise we probably would still have been there. sat in the car waiting for our two passengers I was in agony with my chest and my right knee being just about as bad as it's ever been! thankfully we didn't have to wait too long and we collected the two princess's and sped away from the walking dead as fast as the flux capacitor would allow us to, soon there were little patches of snoring from the cheap seats we now had to head back, past columns of the German army (did we not win the war) heading north the same as us.

We only had a few mini adventure like a stupid woman in a Jag who was doing just about everything other than driving her bloody car, cue lots of horn blowing and the wife swearing like the sailor she wishes she was! we missed a pit stop but thought we could make it, only realising that we had dropped a bollock and spent the next thirty seven miles praying for a service station, we coasted in on less vapour fumes than you would in a formula one racing car and then over compensated by filling the car to the gunnels with  as much fuel as the car would take. the rest of the journey was uneventful as we dropped off the youngest daughters co companion in crime, only to fall foul of our little tired cherub trying to be witty and she got the wrath of Dad, I felt bad after, but it felt we had the oldest in the car and not the youngest, attitude readjusted we made peace then we all fell out as the wife went into hyper competitiveness for that well know game "yellow car" another game now banned the same as monopoly, damn I thought we would need the united nations! 

The youngest dropped off at the Kraken's we entered an empty house and we both realised we were both shattered and would be poor company for our friends, even though a dose of Bucket mania is what we craved, we had some memories to exorcise and we would have been kidding ourselves and avoiding the issue's by heading out. We made our apologies and retreated into our shells on the couch until we sorted ourselves out, at that point I felt the desire to blog to get this out of the way I didn't want to dwell on it, but not before I made bacon butties and had a cup of tea, at this juncture I would like to point out that Tesco's own brand of custard creams is to be quite honest .....totally shocking! there I said it, avoid at all costs! anyhoo enough drivel thanks for the lend of your ears I hope it was as good for you as it has been for me, watch the skies ...incoming.......Toodles!


                            Dedicated to the Old Man Of The House 1996 - 2013.

Wednesday 13 November 2013

All i can do is write about it

It's time to climb back up on this horse I call a blog, I  have been avoiding this as I have felt as though I have nothing to write about (nothing new there then). If we are sticking to album analogy's this isn't The Wall (cos I ain't depressed) it's not even my Hysteria as I'm sure there are longer times between my blogs some where in the distant past........I have no album analogy (unusual for me) for this as I have to admit to being stuck for words but anyhoo here we go.....all aboard.

Firstly the numbers have been...................STUPENDOUS! WTF! thank you have made an old man very nervous, I have no idea where I went right, but the numbers are starting to fall off, having said that the old blogs have had 70 hits today alone! I used to be happy when I got that in a week, so I thought I would fall of the edge of the world blog wise and see what happened and the numbers were just steady all the way from the last blog through to here!

So as I sit here listening to the new Fish cd for the 142nd time (yes I know I'm sad but what are you going to do about it I need to keep my self amused somehow and besides it's bloody good!) I have a few doodles but I will keep them for another time I'm literally just dipping my toe back into the water so to speak, life has been what it always is (not very good so lets not go there) the wife is doing way too much for people who wouldn't help her if.... (ah hang on lets not go there either) work has been ....I'm going to go with difficult, yes that's the word to describe it! back to back audits and people losing their minds because they realised that they have been caught with their pants down (ooops come on boys and girls we only had six weeks warning we should have been better prepared), I spent most of my day in diversity and prejudice training today and if I'm honest I enjoyed it, I didn't learn anything new, because it should really be called common sense training and believe it or not I have it in spades (I'm not sure how to use it but I do have tons of common sense). It's really amusing watching everybody watching me because lets just say I'm not the most tactful person in the world hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

The wife did a farcebook jape earlier on in the week, she put as her status that she was pregnant, boy did we laugh at some of the (mainly) positive responses, sorry we have two kids and two grand kids it's time for us to get some life back (nope nothing down that mine shaft today either) really do you lot not know me by now, pregnant! yeah right hahahahaha, the name game as always is in play and it comes from a song I hadn't heard in years by a really great band (that's the only clue you are getting) but as I was leaving work today I got talking to a friend who comes to site occasionally and he had this playing in the back ground and it struck me as being rather poignant, he asked me if I still blogged he has read one or two (he's not a dedicated reader) and the title stuck....whatever!

What does the future hold for us , I'm not sure a lot of spinning plates some cunning plans and a lot of dark clouds hanging on off on the perimeter, we can only go with the flow, I missed my chance to phone and complain to the NHS as the people who will be dealing with me, seem to only work office hours, so I have to get through this full week and hang on (all in my favour) until next week, when I have a couple of days off, when I shall be making a phone call to enquire if they remember who I am in a non sarcastic manner, the elation I felt after making that first step of asking for help has faded, but I have been on my best behaviour since my assessment with my issues being like a muffled off tune radio station off to the left of field!

So that's the plan of attack normal service will be resumed with the next blog, keep the kind (and not so kind) comments coming through, it's my blog I intend to write it the way I feel, but it is nice to know what does or doesn't work, I'm not doing this so that only one man and his caravan can read this out in the Scilly Isles (now there's a road trip...........) I'm a media whore did I not inform you lot of that little fact? so enough of the tripe play nice and if you can't do that play to win! watch the skies.....incoming......until then Toodles!

Sunday 3 November 2013

Animals

The question of the day is do I make this blog part of a trilogy or a quadrilogy? Do I keep the Pink Floyd theme going or quit while I'm ahead, the numbers have been astonishing with over 8000 hits for the "We rock" blog "Wish you were here" has done around 150! what makes a good blog and what makes an average one? how did all those Visigoths turn up and read that particular blog? I have no idea, I just have to go with the flow and see what each passing tide brings! I wish I could tell what gives, I have to admit I was always happy with triple digits I never thought I would hit four digits purely as most of the time I'm writing shite, at least I can be consistent!

So onwards with the theme of the day ....drink, friends and funnies! oh and G getting told off just once or twice (allegedly) the week had flowed to it's natural conclusion, lots of work, the wife losing here temper with me, as it was and always is my fault, even though she never does what I ask her to do for the best results to contact me at work, we have a perfectly sorted out way of contacting each other and she as always does what she wants to, cue much shouting and cussing with some gnashing of gums thrown in for good measure all on her behalf, the shouting died down to a dull roar while we did what I didn't want to do, nothing new there then and we headed for home, just in time for the rain to come hammering down, we had been invited to a Halloween party and although the wife had a good idea for her costume ( a number of variations on a theme and damn I thought she looked good) but I had nothing, I did say get me a grey onesie and I would go as a humpback whale, that didn't go down too well, cue much looking online for ideas, all horribly expensive and it was just putting me in a funk of not wanting to go. I'm not that artistic (no I got that one right not autistic!) but I would rather go as a tramp than have something pushed on me, the conversation ended but I knew we would more than likely cross swords with the new morning.

Off to bed but not before a rather large glass of Jack, why because I could, although the home made ice was indeed substandard I struggled on, finally to climb the wooden hill to dream of chasing rabbits and the such like. At 3.50 I was dancing around our bed room like a Russian ballerina with cramp (hello old friend it's been a while where the hell have you been?) when inspiration hit me, I'm fat (go figure) I could wear my Homer Simpson T-shirt where my head is substituted for his, turn me into a zombie with my red Hawaiian shirt and I can be a zombified holiday Homer I had my idea I just then need to get rid of the cramp and collapse back into the bed to the land of nod!

We awoke to even more rain of biblical proportions and we had to head off to a local shop to get the finishing touches for my zombie, I don't think the wife was happy with my choice but when I hit on something I can tend to be a tad stubborn (allegedly) although I don't think I have ever really been stubborn (I mean really stubborn I shall keep my powder dry on that one because I know at some point I will have to unleash my shield of stubbornness at some point) a short jaunt to our new Tesco's for some drinkie poo's and we were set, and still it continued to rain.

As we sorted ourselves out, the old man of the house up to the Kraken's, I got bath bathed and wiped down, the wife looked liked a pirate and I looked like the fat oaf I felt, with white stuff on my head, oh dear. as always not on time but not really late we headed out with our mini ark not really realising how much it had rained with over flowing road drains as they just couldn't cope with the flowing rivers of rainwater, we ducked and dived around floods, me getting annoyed as we were now in danger of being late and I hate being late oh yes I really hate being late, thankfully the further into our journey we went the dryer it got and once through the hell that is (no I can't even bring myself to name it) we able to make time up thanks to the flux capacitor, we were warmly greeted by our hosts, and once gravestones wings and errant pinheads were in place we jumped into a taxi to head off to our final destination, the poor taxi driver got an ear bashing as he kept knocking down E's gravestones (and no that's not a euphuism) we soon got him to a sensible speed but I'm sure he thought he had fallen down the rabbit hole!

Upon arriving we were met by the master vampire of the house, and we were swept of into the crypts, and then in the words of Ozzy Osbourne  "let the madness begin" as always please don't assume that you will get a blow by blow account of all the madness, I have already been warned, death threats, being sued and G's manly embrace if I didn't behave myself and curb my journalistic urgings! there was much hilarity drink and thrusting of loins, well that was just one person who actually took his thong off in a food preparation area, thankfully we had all eaten so the last chicken in Sainsbury's joke wasn't deemed appropriate, and thankfully I really didn't wish to see any of the piercings at all  (run away run away) the crypt seemed quite quiet as the masters of the house were visiting next door (actually that should read destroying as Loki was indeed living up to his name as he destroyed the kitchen to try and get to us his loving audience) lots of great company, some awesome costumes, next year I will not rely on cramp at stupid o'clock in the morning, I will put some effort in....I'm sure the grey onesie would have been a better choice!

The dogs finally ensconced in their own home, food arrived with just a little bit more inkyhol, the night crept on I received a great compliment, some one thought I was 41 - 42 I was happy  that  they thought I was that skinny then realised that they meant age wise (WTF) then I knew the drink had really kicked in. The karaoke was by now in full flow and I shrank to the back of the house as much as I wish  that I could sing, I'm under no illusion that the Newcastle Evening Chronicle wouldn't employ me to shout Chroniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicle! by now my knees were suffering, so although I appeared to be the shy wallflower (me with my reputation) I was glad of the rest, mind you I was accused of being quiet all night and a certain person was concerned about my well being I always thought I was usually a quiet kind of guy (cough splutter) the party was in full swing and it appeared that everybody was having a great time ....including me (go figure) it was even noted that it was late into the morning we were all having such a great time. Loki took a shine to the stuff on my head and proceeded to lick most of it off, I finally bumped back into the wife who looked flushed and happy , flushed not being a good thing as she crashed and burned about a minute later it's like we were on some internal  synchronicity as I turned up just in time to catch her, once we dragged her body outside to cool down, E gathered the troops ready for to head home we said our farewells, but I bet the party headed on way past the dawn patrol, it's a really great feeling seeing people enjoying themselves it really is a tonic for the troops!

Taxi arrived I sat with the corpse bride in the back, the poor driver had to contend not only with a merry G but his pinhead mask as well, at least the gravestones had gone down a treat and we weren't bringing any home with us so he didn't get it in the neck from E, once in the hotel Jagermiester after dragging G in from standing in the middle of the road  in full pinhead regalia I'm, sure if anybody saw it  they would have tried to run him down (see E you could have had your bed all to yourself and G could have had a hospital one) we all climbed the wooden hill , G getting told off for good measure (I'm sure it's just his comfy blanket, and that he couldn't/wouldn't sleep if he didn't!) a lot of threats were issued  (D notice slapped on the rest of this paragraph at the request of Cookie) but I will be honest and tell the truth, the rohipnol   (or flunitrazepam to give its official name....I know because I looked it up) that G had been feeding me kicked in and I was soon counting sheep waiting for the onslaught of cramp that never happened (woo hoo).

Dawn broke and we slept on I awoke to find the wife as usual checking to see if I had a pulse so deep was the sleep I was  in, the party being over we arose from our slumber and said good morning to the world and our hosts with G being on form as usual although I thought  that there was an unusual amount of love in the room when E said she would buy the neighbours house just so that G would be close to her ah bless what next a dual plot at the local cemetery so that G can be kept in check for all eternity....erm maybe not as we climbed into our little car I would have sworn Cookie was back in her/our room giving us the finger big style!

We arrived home and ....well I had to blog didn't I, juices were flowing and I wanted to get this out before I became the morose (I really mean miserable bastard the wife says I am)individual who writes unhappy blogs, anyhoo loads of cunning plans are being developed, another Buckets trip which we will miss Heaven Or Hell (which wasn't cancelled the site just isn't clear about the forthcoming gigs....the bastards) a full day in the town that will be so bloody messy! I will need to get a small book for all the evidence ....I mean sub plots!

Will the numbers continue I have no idea, and if I'm honest I have no idea it was what it was I have no intention of trying to capture lightning in a bottle twice, I can only do what I do and if enough people like  it , well we will see I am happy with triple digits hell I was happy with single digits so everything else is all good. a short(ish) week at work then time to regroup and see where we go from here, upwards is the hope. although I am gearing up to kick off with the NHS , although the next chapter of the new book is writing itself at the moment (abandon hope....I wish I could get away from bloody song titles) so there you have it, I hope actually... no I don't.... read do what you may, cunning plans are abound, the Pink Floyd name game ends with this blog as the next one would be The Wall, and do you know what? after a great party last night, I'm not that depressed at the moment, so until the next time Toodles!