Truth & Soul.

The last month has gone and life (or my view of it) isn’t as bleak as the last blog would indicate, life is still crap, but to be honest I don’t care one way or the other, the last blog still did exceptional numbers even though I didn’t promote it, it seems you the discerning reader seems to like my misery. I don’t think that my misery lives on, I feel that I am at the simply don’t care stage, and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass who is interested one way or another.

Someone still cares as yet again there is a steady stream of numbers for older blogs, probably someone looking for the source of my misery. The content of the last blog was as honest as I could with 95% of the bile stripped out, some people were concerned enough to try and contact me, as I have said previously, yes, my mood is black most days, but I have no intention to cause to harm to myself or anyone in my sphere of being. All I can do is try and do my best each day, as long as I wake up with the will to take a step forward, I don’t think there is a lot else I can do.

The boat is still leaking however I have started the bilge pumps once again with the intention of making it to the shore line, see I can still do the old boating analogy, when I want to.

Some of you have asked why I have been writing what I have and the simple answer is I can only write something honest, the truth will out, I believe if I try to write something cheerful (when I’m not) will come across as false and I have always been nothing but honest and truthful. Life (for everybody) is not always rosy, sometimes it’s shit and that’s what I am sailing through at the moment, work, music, life etc, etc is simply not floating my boat, I’m generally unhappy within myself, I have no intention of burdening anyone with the tales of woe (except within the pages of my blog) I simply hope by spewing forth all of this crap it will lighten my load, it hasn’t worked yet, but the intention is to continue to put my best foot forward.

This has been without a doubt the hardest part of my life, its not PTSD related all though that is floating around in the background, I had to go to a new site at work and it was a long gravel path to get there, I was like a cat trying to walk on water (gravel is a key trigger for my PTSD) in reality it might be funny at the time for someone who doesn’t know me, but its pure torture for me. Thankfully I was given a lift back to the office, I only had a minor meltdown one that I was able to circumvent by walking to get my bus connection instead of getting the shuttle to my destination, once at the bus stop, I got on the bus that takes an hour and a half instead of the 40-minute journey and slept the sleep of the dead until I got home, shell shocked but all the better for it.

My new work colleagues don’t know of my little foibles and so far, I have been able to keep my quirks to myself, I prefer that there is at least some mystery, at least for now, as I still haven’t got full time employment I have a year’s probation, and yes, I can do the job, I simply don’t want to have to go somewhere else to work, I like stability and the year long probation is waying heavily on my mind

While I do feel marginally better, I still feel like crap, thankfully the wife hasn’t smothered me with a pillow yet, she hasn’t poked the bear, it’s a learning curve for us all, she could still bring a shotgun to bear to give my legs a slap, mind you she might simply be oblivious and think I’m just being my usual miserable self! I’m still drowning, I’m still clutching at straws, I’m sure that would make a good lyric.

One of the good things I don’t have is Christmas being shoved down my throat at my present place of employment, you never know I might enjoy Christmas for a change (highly unlikely) but you never know, faith springs eternal. My health is as bad as  it can be at the moment, my eating habits being my number one priority to get under control as they tend to spiral out of control my eating habits are strictly governed by my mood, the better I am the less I eat, the blacker the mood the more I hoover up, I have put about a stone on since I last wrote a blog, I know what I have to do, it’s only me who can do it, I am aware, my problems my way of life, one step every day, I do intend to get the better of this, I am tempted to ask the dr’s for help if the run up to the end of the year doesn’t improve, I’m hoping to do better, going to the Drs is enough of a punishment!

The black clouds are still black, but I can see some grey clouds on the horizon, as I steer my ship to fairer winds and safer shores, all I can do is to keep trying, that’s the one promise I will always try to do, its not perfect but I am damned if I am intend to life get the better of me, I will do better, I can do better, as always best foot forward.

So the intention is to get playing more music, classic or new material I don’t care, music normally does right the ship, I need to sort my health out the list is getting longer although most of it is diabetes related, so that’s down to me, I have tendonitis, that’s simply down to the miles I am walking for work, that is what it is I can simply try my best and rest up when I get home, my torn rotator cuff has gotten annoying after lying dormant for so long, I awake each morning  with a pain in my neck quite literally and although it wears away as the day goes on its been with me for about 6 weeks and as well as this pain I get pins and needles in my hand, so  I feel that’s its connected, again annoying and not helping, my tinnitus has been down to a dull roar of late so thank the lord for small ,mercies! Having said that my arse is still like a rag man’s trumpet with all of the wind and crap pouring out of me!

Reading through my notes as I prepare to write this, I do strip out the bile (honest) my notes have towards the end of the month have taken a brighter hue than the earlier notes maybe its just as well I am only doing these on a monthly basis, if I was still doing them on a weekly basis I would sectioned in a hospital where they tie the sleeves of their jackets to the back of me, I’m not quite there, but I reckon I have sailed pretty damn close to that particular shoreline, so that’s it another missive without shape or construction, I can only thank the people who have asked how I’m doing, its not you it’s me, I will keep trying, allegedly!

So, one more before the end of the year and the intention is for it to be something historical rather than me simply a miserable bastard as people have been asking for something to hopefully make me a happier soul (highly unlikely) I have a number of medical tests in the coming weeks although I don’t hold out for any new hope it just goes round and round in circles, I bet the only news will be bad news, its been 4 years so far and I’m still no further forward, lets try and be optimistic and keep everything that can be crossed will be successful!

So, until the next time enjoy, stay safe and stay alive, watch the skies for incoming as there could be a couple of blogs musical and historical being prepped and not the usual self-pitying bile that the last couple of have been, honestly the intention is to do better, I can do better so spread the disease and until the next time……………………. Toodles!

And the man in the mirror has sad eyes