White Flags.

It never rains it pours!

And so, it continues, and not in a good way no matter what you try to do you simply can’t seem to shake off the crap that revolves around yourself!

Life is always paved with good intentions, I always try to do my best for my fellow humans its rarely ever reciprocated not that I want it to be but a sliver of luck would help in these dark days, it doesn’t matter what you do, life is shit!

The hound has returned to haunt me and this time he has shackled himself to me and I can’t shake him no matter what I try to do, this is the worst bout of darkness I have endured in the past 40 years, thankfully it is not my PTSD that is causing me any serious issues although it is never far away, I seem to have that handled although because of that statement I’m expecting it to come back to bite me in the ass at some point. All the tricks that I have learned over the last few years are doing absolutely fuck all, if anything they just seem to be making matters worse, I just can’t seem to shake this intense feeling of dread. The thought of simply fucking off and being a hermit is so appealing at the moment, although I am adult enough to know that isn’t an option.

I’m even trying to avoid talking to my own family, simply because of my mood, I feel it will simply create confrontation, as I would go out of my way to cause them pain, not that I want to, but it would be a momentary salve to ease my wounds if only for a few seconds, I wouldn’t mean it and again I’m enough of an adult to realise I don’t really wish to cause anybody else pain just to ease my own! The darkness seems to draw itself inside to me the only pleasure that I seem to get even if its only fleeting is to spew the black cancer of depression onto a virgin white page.

I feel isolated, if I am its simply because of my own actions, I don’t wish to interact, my life feels as if I’m living a lie, imposter syndrome personified, work is not helping, I am trying to my best   but the layers of indifference and politics don’t sit with me, I simply want to do the job to the best of my abilities and to actually make a difference, to help people but I seem to be swimming against the tide. I’m stressed there I said it, I don’t believe in stress, but I have developed a twitch in my eye which is a fuse, about 30 seconds after my eye twitches I seem to be enveloped in dark thoughts and its almost impossible to shake.

I am trying to play as much of old classic music as possible, but it’s not helping, I simply go through the motions playing artists that I love but deriving no pleasure from it, I feel empty inside, if this sounds like I have given up, I haven’t I am fighting as hard as I ever have, but to little or no avail, I retreat before the tide of blackness, I am cutting my lines of communication as I go, enforcing a scorched earth policy that is detrimental to myself, but the fall out is effecting others and I have no idea how to resolve this simply for their sake, me I don’t care, to use an army analogy I feel as though I am a tail end Charlie no matter happens and I will have to take the consequences of holding that position!

I’m living my life in confusion and I can’t seem to shake the fog that surround’s me, I know that I simply must keep going, Now, before anybody panics and thinks that I’m going to do something stupid and think that I would self-harm, well then you really don’t know me, I would never contemplate that, however I feel like the boxer who is taking punch after punch and I can’t seem to fall, at least if I fell, I could try to pick myself up!

 My medical issues are piling up, my diabetes is punishing me, in turn I am eating crap hoovering up silly amounts of the wrong food at the wrong times, not eating for ages then gorging until I feel sick, this in turn feeds into my other issues which is not pleasant in any way no matter what the Dr claims that the medication will do to alleviate the issue, what I’m eating doesn’t help , I know this is bad and I really don’t give a shit, literally, I know I should think of others, but I don’t, I’m being selfish, I’m not even thinking about myself. I have damaged rotator cuff that for some reason after a few years of being a good boy is flaring up, I can’t seem to work what’s causing it, I certainly am not doing any heavy manual work, my knees are in pain but I know that’s not helped by my eating habits, the more I eat the more I weigh the more pain I receive, it would appear I must be a masochist, I’m suffering from a bout of tendonitis, that’s not helped with work (large distances to be walked each day) I simply seem to cause several knock effects for all of it, my sleep is interrupted most nights, I dream weird dreams and when you consider I didn’t dream for over 35 years when it has started up again its quite exhausting. In the old days I would have simply gone for a walkabout, given my head a shake and pushed all of the crap down below, now it breaks through my defenses with great ease.  

I do feel better for getting it down on paper but in reality, this is late simply because my thoughts have been so dark and disturbing, even for me. I know what I have to do but I don’t seem to be able it to do, I am simply going to have to keep plugging away, the weekend looms it means I can retreat back into my shell, its monotone and mind numbing but its better than the shit I am going through on a day to day basis, so there you have it the internal ravings of a functional lunatic, if I won the lottery I would probably spend it on a doctor to crack my head open to see what’s wrong in there, so, watch the skies the intention is to be on an upward curve by the next one, I can’t promise anything other than I can but try, so until then stay safe and stay alive……………………Toodles!