This blog has been deleted and rewritten so many times over
the last fortnight, undergoing different titles and different themes, I can’t
deny one thing that “Bob” is back with a vengeance.
I also can’t deny that my wife has been my number one
concern for the last couple of weeks, her needs have far outweighed mine and my
concern was justified as she went through a number of lows with very few highs,
she has done well since the loss of our fur baby, but the heartbreak isn’t even
trying to hide its right there on the surface like a scab, its just daring you
to pull it. We have had a few diversions including a lovely evening out in
Newcastle (our first in nearly two years )with likeminded adults and I thought
the cloud was going in the right direction, however I neglected my own well
being and sleepless nights were creeping in and I was trying my best (and
failing) to ignore them, I need to deal with these issues as they arise because
if I don’t, well lets just say they have a tendency to spiral.
The wife has had bad moments of health and although she is
in regular contact with the doctor it seems to be causing as many issues as
resolving them, its not nice to see her punch drunk from the “cure” as well all
that ails her, I continue with my imposter syndrome and all the while I failed
to notice all the things that were starting to drag me down, I had been
lethargic with literally no get up and go, my number one symptom is having no
interest in music, simply travelling to work in a haze of negativity, salvation
in the shape of two fully loaded MP3 players on my knee in my bag, but I simply
choose to fester in all of my negativity and to gaze out of the windows of the
bus but not focusing on reality.
I sit and sneer at the world and the people in it, thinking
negative thoughts and when I realise that I am doing that my fall is complete
and Bob wins out, and with the savaging that entails, my PTSD takes over,
thankfully I still use the exercises that I was taught, but this fresh assault on
my senses are so ferocious I am knocked to my knees and everything else piles
in. before anybody thinks this is a woe is me blog, it’s not I don’t care what
anybody things I am using this simply as a line of defence, I hate feeling like
this but its in my hands to resolve. I will not be beaten I will fight back, I naively
thought the course of CBT I did was like a magic wand that would wave all of my
issues (yeah right) away.
And then we get to a week’s holiday and with many cunning
plans, all the while I was going to knock the stuffing and complete all of my
wishes, all the while “Bob” is picking them off one by one, although I have
done stuff over the week and thankfully my grand kids have been the saviour of
my sanity this week, even though the little darlings have had their challenging
moments, its been a welcome distraction as I help them to come to terms that
adults don’t know everything, although my sleeping patterns have been destroyed
this week, I have been able to focus on the kids instead of some of my more
worrying traits, again although I received over 400 albums at the start of the
week I haven’t even looked at them as opposed to play any of them, that in
itself is worrying. “Bob” has been in my
waking thoughts all day everyday for the last couple of weeks and the analogy
is not lost on me that that we lost our fur baby my “mind” baby has savaged me
relentlessly.
My own health issues haven’t exactly helped with my third
round of the same tests finally being resolved, and the Dr again trying to get
me to say “no I’m fine lets just leave it at that” as has happened previously, I
think I annoyed him when I said I wanted to see a specialist, who then insisted
that I complete yet another test (which was negative before) before he would
add me to his list, well it was negative again and I see the specialist or at
least a member of his team on Christmas eve, Merry Christmas lets shove a
camera up your hoop, yeah I know I hope I spoiled somebody’s breakfast! So, I have
to drag my sorry arse across the finish line, I hate Christmas Eve at the best
of times, yes for my own personal reasons, you can imagine how happy this one
will be.
Although there seems to be blackness in my every waking
moment (no I have no intention of self-harming myself) I find myself in a
negative space all the while, even though I try my best for everybody else, its
almost like I’m baiting “Bob” to do his worst, I don’t seem to care what damage
he inflicts upon my person, I feel as
though I need the pain to punish myself for god knows what? This has been the
longest period of “Darkness” I have experienced in such a long time and
although I’m not beaten, I know I’m on my knees, I need to give my head a shake
and I need to get back up, the only person who can do it is me, if you see me
in the street please know I am trying my
best and I am literally taking it one day at a time.
The last blog was done purely as a way of venting what I was
feeling, the fact the wife was suffering and I was so unable to help definitely
had a knock on effect, a lot of nice comments has helped, however two
individuals who relished in poking at my scabs have since been barred, another
reason comments are set to private, I do read them all, however I rarely take
them to heart anymore, the fact that this blog has been written deleted and rewritten
over a dozen times in the last fortnight should tell you where my head is at
the moment, trust me it was a lot bleaker in the first few drafts, because I have
withdrawn into my own cocoon, I know it’s a self-destructive thing to do.
I had an episode out in the street yesterday that I simply couldn’t
avert, and the wife thought I was simply being stroppy, I wasn’t I was dealing
with the biggest cluster fuck of the last the three years, hopefully now that
it has passed I can begin the steady climb to be a normal person again
(whatever a normal person looks like) my cunning plans will be left in the ruins
of the last month or so, I need to pull myself together one day at a time.
Not the blog I was expecting but it’s the one I need to post
simply to stop myself from festering, I should have realised that my blogging
has been an outlet to keep myself on an even keel so maybe just maybe I will
write a little bit more, the numbers can be what they are for once I’m not
bothered I’m writing this purely as a salve to help rid myself of all the bile
that affects me and those in my close proximity, I intend to spend the last
couple of days of my leave trying to do what normal people do, I might not interact
as much as normal people do but my intentions are true, hopefully that’s a step
in the right direction.
So enough waffle there is lots of music and believe me there
are lots of new and old stuff to listen to, this is what it is, hopefully (and
its always my intention to write a happy blog, not many people believe me but I
swear I do) the next one will hopefully groove to a better place so until then,
watch the skies for a new missive in the shape of a blog, keep spreading this
disease, so stay safe and stay alive, until the next time……..Toodles!
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