Lazy

lazy who me? Actually I don't think I am! I believe I have a very good work ethic, it appears that its being sucked out of me, by battling with one too many demons one too many times, listen to me sounding like an episode of Supernatural!

Something must be not right though, here I am into day four of my holiday and the furthest out of the house I have travelled is three steps into the back yard to empty the bins and then I scurry back in doors, and then only to veg out, a couple of people have tried to engage me in conversation but it appears that I didn't want to! as it actually happens I wasn't at the laptop as they started the conversation so I assumed they had gone (you know who you are) I wasn't deliberately ignoring you I was just trying to adjust to actually not doing work, mind you I have been checking (although not replying) my work email, 172 as of this morning of which about 100 are just people covering their backs and feeding me more info than I can shake a stick at.

Now I don't want people to think "oh oh he's gone nuts again" I haven't, I'm probably the happiest I have been in a long while (yeah I know it ain't going to last but we can try). I have to leave the safe haven of the house at some point as I have an errand to run and its only me who can do it, I need to get myself in the right frame of mind as me and the wife are away this weekend and I certainly want to put my best foot forward as we have both been looking forward to the jaunt all year (in reality this is our annual holiday). we have had a few issues one being the old man of the house not being well, each day is both a blessing and a curse because we are always thinking is this the day?

The other being the eldest and the Kraken nothing serious just wanting attention, and I have no problem with that, I'm used to it but here we are with me on my holiday and me and the wife haven't done a thing, we had a cunning plan to go for a meal at a posh restaurant  in town (no not KFC) but the ball wasn't thrown actually the arm wasn't even pulled back to throw, its still there though we can do it later in the month I just wanted to do it this week, we do hardly anything as a couple, that's us being fiscally responsible (yes us with our reputation) ah well never mind only 175 more mortgage payments until I retire!

The one thing I have done this week has been to play the new Fish album, now we all know that he is my favourite musical artist, this album has it's dark moments but not in a negative way and I'm actually listening to it (for the 59th time) as I sit here typing away, I love it, it's such a shame that it will only sell to his selective fan base as its probably one of the best albums ever released, yes I know I'm a fan but for me to ignore all other music just to keep playing it over and over hasn't happened since the last album he did with "that" band! I am so glad that it's not a totally negative album as it probably would have pushed me to closer to being morose and we don't want that do we?

As for the weekend we have cases to pack, and I think that's it, I know where the paperwork and the tickets are, I know this is going to be hard on my knees so painkillers and potentially a fight with the wife for her stick could be in the offing, am I going to blog about this weekend ....me with my reputation ......no, well possibly, possibly not, I have no idea this is just me little old me doing what I don't do very well, I am trying to re-join the human race and hopefully the good company will revive my flagging spirits, I had been hoping that it could have been a gang weekend, it appears wishing and organising it with other people isn't quite the same (oops!)  so I will miss all my peeps, but I will try and be on my best behaviour and G I will keep an eye out for Kes!

While in the grips of panic looking for the hotel booking I came across my paperwork for my "ahem" condition, full of you must do this within x amount of days or we will ignore you, the more I look at it, it doesn't fill me with much hope it just seems to be full of roadblocks and anti tank ditches in the vain hopes of derailment, now this probably isn't the case and these professionals have a lot more on their hands than a gloomy middle aged man with issues, but after reaching out for help it doesn't feel like they want to, the letter will arrive tomorrow and it will only give me an eight minute window to sort out the next step in my Indiana Jones like search for treatment, I already feel as though I have exposed my self to unnecessary  barbs thinking that I would have been dealt with by now, I'm not expecting a magic wand, but simply by taking that first step I feel so much better already, but I am starting to feel like someone on death row just waiting for a lethal injection!

Am I being a tad melodramatic? probably but I want this particular monkey off my back, my family have put up with enough of my black moods and me being uncommunicative, maybe if I had been a bad person or who knew who to work the system I might have been seen by now, I know that the initial glow of asking for help will soon start to fade and I will return back to my morose (no thank you) self and if offered a hand, I will knock it away, why because that's the very nature of my condition, for fucks sake it took me thirty two years to ask for help!

Anyway that's enough of my gripes as I said at the beginning of this blog I need something to keep my spirits from flagging (this helps but it's a singular kind of thing) I need to interact more I need to have that human contact, I don't want to be a light house out on some rocky bluff I want to be a streetlight in the centre of town interacting with people before its way too late and people think that I really am a nutter, lets see what the weekend brings and I promise to be on my best behaviour (yeah right) so lets go with the flow and lets see if I can venture out into daylight (and pray I don't spontaneous combust) do my chores and have the fab weekend that I know it can be, Ah well off to a brave new world, so until Monday play nice and watch the skies as there will definitely be some rockets burning over no mans land (broadsword calling Danny boy broadsword calling Danny boy....you should get those references!) laters....Toodles!