Holidays in the sun

OK so the intention was not to blog I was going to have a holiday and recharge my batteries, I took nothing with me on our holiday to take notes with; this was to be a complete break!

Thankfully the wife knows me so well and the plane hadn’t taken off, the wife recognized the usual twitches and calmed me down by saying don’t panic I have pen and paper for you, relieved we sank into our seats, but as always I’m getting ahead of myself.

I finished on the Friday but the wife had to work the day before we departed so with only a modicum of grumbling, we had a cunning plan we were going to stick to it. Job one was to take the hellhound off to a wilderness holiday home and all I could get out of the wife “oh I hope he copes”  I was thrown out the door as she drove past our house on the way back so that she could go do her shift, I pottered on throughout the day doing the hovering and generally cleaning and bleaching things (no I wasn’t trying to hid a body) I suppose you could say I was being a good husband. The wife completed her shift but still had to visit the Kraken who had been quite good but was grumbling away like a pacific volcano.

Once back the wife became a blur of activity packing repacking and generally being busy, we both ground to a halt around midnight and then sat watching a documentary about Lynyrd Skynyrd, perhaps not a great idea seeing as how we were about to fly off to sunny shores(Oooops) we started to drift a little but soon we were climbing into the Clampett Mobile and heading to Newcastle Airport (the only airport with a cattle grid) it was a dark and wet misty road we travelled, thankfully arriving safely and getting parked in the right area with just a slight trudge back to the terminal, we were the first to throw our bags over the counter and we were soon ensconced having a coffee (well in my case an orange juice) I paid as it was my treat and then I realised I was skint totally spent up, damn my pocket money didn’t stretch very far.

We were soon whisked onto the plane and the wife was wiped out after being up for nearly 24 hours, she was asleep as soon her seat belt was clipped in. She finally woke up as we flew over Toulouse but was soon back asleep for just a little longer, me personally I felt like I had been drinking Red Bull, buzzing and just a little strange. Upon arriving at Majorca we got our bags and then endured the bus trip from hell, I wanted to play yellow car with the wife (you see a yellow car and claim it punching the other person in the arm is optional) so asked the youngest who was at home (and is fluent in Spanish how to say Yellow Car correctly) it was at this point the wife threatened to stab me, I could see this was going to be a good holiday the journey wasn’t too bad but watching the driver trying to get this bloody big bus down single lanes was painful.  We finally arrived at our destination and I have to admit I was impressed, we were soon through the signing in process and settled in our safe harbour and we were both happy.

We dumped our cases and headed straight for lunch as we were both starving; now I won’t give you a rundown of every meal, but I had some Minestrone soup as a starter white fish in a cream sauce with onions and onion rings (yes I love onions) and finally a boat load of chips, and then there was pudding , oh dear this could get messy, my only complaint was your drink (soft in this instance) it was served in what I would call a sherry glass if I had had a normal size glass I probably would have only had one, but as it was I averaged about six a meal.

We retired to our room to compose our bodies, and then headed to the pool, yes I know me headed for a body of water I checked first to see if the Norwegian whaling fleet were off shore, the pool itself was freezing I actually had a sexual conversion upon my body touching the surface, I’m so glad I didn’t just jump in, and this was the only disappointment of the hotel, I nearly shrieked like a girl guide it was so cold. We soon found a spot to turn ourselves like a kebab (mmmmmmmmmmm Food) it was full but not cluttered and the silence was blissful. Me and the wife were probably the youngest people in the hotel, back to the room after an hour by the pool we soon snoozed, I woke up to find that I had been gnawing at the side of my mouth, I was obviously hungry again and we were soon heading down the stairs, again with the small glasses and then I had Steak & Kidney pudding and it was divine but nowhere near as good as the Orange pudding that I had for desert. I decided to have my first beer of the week (Amstel) it was OK but a bit samey, I then got stuck into the Vodka and Coke (as you had to pay for the Jack and coke) the wife was stuck into various cocktails and then some Sangria, she even had Sex on the beach and I never felt a thing. This had the makings of a great holiday!

We headed into the entertainments room for an ABBA tribute act who …….were ok, but I was flagging the day was catching up with me, I think the wife thought I was being a party pooper (not intentionally) but you have to go when you have to go, I was hoping a good night’s sleep would put me right.

The next morning I awoke and then realised I had made a rooky mistake, I hadn’t brought enough medication, so now I was going to have to be careful and not be silly, (me with my reputation) I had slept well and breakfast was a full English, I soon discovered what I liked and basically stuck with it I even managed black pudding when it was available, we then had a slow meander to the beach (which wasn’t far) and then we headed back for the meet and greet I don’t do them as I have a tendency to scowl all the way through them, I was a good boy I read my paper, but the wife went and yes we did book a trip but it was a trip we had wanted to go on before we booked the holiday. We chilled and generally did nothing for the rest of the morning a bit of reading a bit of well you know holiday stuff, then back to the trough ( I like it oh yes I believe I did) then back out for some more sun but no pool I had learned my lesson on that score, I soon discovered I’m a small pale blue person, not likely to tan but I did my bit, well I had to otherwise I would have been punished by the wife!

Then back inside to recuperate and for the wife to start cursing the wi fi (I was the only person having an electronic break on this holiday) I have to admit to loving having no technology on this trip I brought a book to read and that was it! Back downstairs for our evening meal, again the food was divine it took me and all the catering staff to stop the wife putting her head into the chocolate fountain, that was one close shave. Off for a little walk, just to get a grip of our surroundings and then back in time for the Bee gees (OK a Germanic Bee gees Tribute act) who actually were pretty damn good, the rest of the entertainment was on the dodgy side so we didn’t partake.

And on the third day the black dog turned up and was promptly kicked in the seat of  its pants, I found I didn’t want to blog I nearly ripped up my notes thankfully after it had taken a shit in my pool I was able to chase it off and (sort of) enjoy the rest of the day eating, sleeping lying around doing the kind of things everybody else was doing on the holiday, I drank some more (not a lot) and then dragged my sorry excuse of a husband off to bed, thankfully it wasn’t a bad day and I was quite proud of the fact I gave my head a shake.

The next morning, we had our breakfast and then took a walk into the town centre just taking our time not rushing just enjoying each other’s company (well we didn’t argue does that count) dodged between some showers (the first rain of the holiday) we picked the houses that we liked and then picked the houses we didn’t , we watched the little fishes as we crossed some of the little bridges, did a little bit of browsing and headed back just to get back in time for lunch (well go on then) we  had settled into the holiday routine and I can put my hand on my heart (actually a swinging brick) and actually say I was enjoying myself! I know me with my reputation …. go figure!

Again up bright and breezy some breakfast  and another lazy morning some more reading chilling and a couple more (soft) drinks until lunch and then to walk it off with a walk along the beach to the marina, again even more fantastic houses, spending our lottery money on houses as we went, then we turned around and walked back doing the same in reverse it was at this point we were eaten alive, but we pressed on like good little soldiers, back for dinner and then some more drinkie poos and then some cunning plans as there were some allies on the island this was about to go off big style ………..allegedly!

Both of us were up and straight down for breakfast simply as we had a 20 minute window before getting picked up to head off on our trip and yes it was raining in biblical proportions, not deterred we pressed onto the Inca market and arrived before our accomplices turned up, the wife had been sending signals out to Lady J and her man servant Ignatius we finally met up and all our smiles washed away the rain we soon found a bar and Lady J was soon rubbing salves and ointments onto my suppurating boils  (ok my bites) we soon had to join our respective buses but only for a short while as were all going to the same place we met up again however the next place was decidedly crap all the restaurants had two members of staff on obviously not expecting an influx of hungry holiday makers, thankfully the American Embassy saved our souls, the afternoon was too fleeting but was a bright spot (in a wet day) and as always a high spot in a great holiday.

We retired and thankfully were revived by dinner, a few more drinks (there’s a pattern developing here) then we retired to our own company for the night, the wife wanted to do some shopping (gulp) and wanted to be rested for the coming day (battle). Breakfast didn’t save the day, it tried valiantly I even said my war wounds were paining me but I was still dragged (by the ankle) to the shops were the wife finally got what she desired (a handbag) and then back in time for you guessed more food and drink (I had decided to stick with the beer I was sick by this time of getting small soft drinks) I stayed away from the pool at this point the silence was deafening, to be truthful I just wanted some space for myself, thankfully the wife wanted the pool, we both agreed to enjoy our last afternoon as we wanted it, time for one last evening meal and a chance for the wife to say good bye to the staff, I hadn’t bonded, she could make friends in an empty room bless her, then back to the room to pack and repack, and then we knew that the holiday was over and all that was left was for us to steal away in the night (OK early morning but you get the picture) then a tortuous journey around all the back roads the bus was full after 20 minutes all he had to do was get on the motorway and it was straight there, but no then we had a cranky baby crying and the wife wanting to go atomic she only had to listen to the baby crying I had the baby and her twisting on (when did the Kraken arrive on this holiday) the coach was full of people with Kennel Cough (people who had their air conditioning on full tilt all week) coughing all the way to the airport.

Then the journey in reverse and we were both rested so no sleep required the plane left on time and in no time we were home, we picked up the hound from his holiday and he had loved it, yes he will be going back and then time raced away back to work seven days off the trot I thought I needed another holiday (well some time off work) only for my bites to flare up and be shocking, I became pox driven and to be honest I was a bit shocked by it, at this time of writing I’m still having to ingest large copious amounts of anti-biotics, but it appears we are winning that particular war.

And that was our holiday that’s me rested, thank you for the kind comments for the serialisation of “Rest rooms of the strip” you should have bought it while you had the chance, I may do some of the others in the coming years depending on the written drought at any coming time, I hope you have enjoyed this one as much as I have, remember watch the skies for  incoming, I’m liking this writing malarkey until the next time ……………………Toodles!