Everyday

I need to stop and take a breath, I am in full on learning (allegedly) mode, I’m just completing week one of a four week course, with an exam at the end of week two and my revision has been cack, (understatement of the year it hasn’t been that good) my head stuck so far up my own ass, I have no idea if I’m coming of going! This course has been my nemesis for the last couple of years and now I know why.

The course is not helping my mood, but’s its simply one of a number of issues! black dog and black clouds have abounded, to be honest I have enjoyed it in a perverse kind of way, simply because I intend to beat this, I may get knocked back from time to time, I simply intend to come back stronger than before!

I have been hiding myself within blankets of isolation, not talking to people, not even family, that’s nothing new, but it is the worst symptom of my issues, lord knows my family put up with enough from me! I know that’s not a good thing, but its so easy to fall into the mischief of depression, which in itself just feeds all the other bad things, my moods have probably been the worst I have had in over six months …………………...but and there is a but, I do intend to beat this!

The issue that I have is me, yes, I know that, but I simply keep painting myself into a corner, not leaving myself a path back, so it’s always a huge leap into the dark, it doesn’t always work, my health isn’t helping, again its one step forward and then two backwards, but I do intend to do better, one day at a time, I just have to do this every day! Its not simply me who suffers, others do, friends, family and work colleagues, I do it every day, I simply shoot myself in the foot, no actually I’m probably shooting myself in my head with both barrels!

I need to ensure that I actually use the methods that I have been taught on my CBT course, however this is not always the case, it’s like I’m always around a corner waiting to whack myself on the shins with a bloody big stick, every day I do this, this time though I am fighting back I know I can do better!

I know that life is shit, but its better than it has been before, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its way off in the distance, but its there, and that in itself gives me just a little glimmer of hope (Hold On Pain Ends) there I said it, damn it I will be a better person maybe not today or even tomorrow, but I will be one day!

So there you have it, I am about to head to bed as I’m done in, the course starts all over again, so I need my beauty sleep, if you see me give me a wave as I could use some human interaction, and I’m not always the best person for it, however everyday from now on I intend to do better, I have to for everybody that circles in my sphere of influence, every day, every day but until then, its deep breath time I need to run silent and run deep, until the next time Toodles!