Disintegration.

So yet again the wife attempted to assassinate me, it’s a long story but the upshot was I politely asked her not to do something, she did it anyway, hence two cracked ribs you really couldn’t make shit like that up. It was however the beginning of a bleak downward spiral, sounds like fun it wasn’t!

I went back to work and simply wasn’t as user friendly as I can be (I know me with my reputation) as the week went on I got bleaker, I tried not to, but it was hard enough just to drag myself through the working day, for now it tis the season for the Christmas party and for some reason I had said that I would attend, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but then I was probably in one of my rare good moods! I have no idea; well I do its torture, so therefore it’s pretty obvious that I hate myself. The wife hates me going as well, I have no idea why (its ok for her to got to hers) I’m probably paying for the sins of previous partners, who knows, who cares, I’m ok with whatever she wants to do , but nope it would appear I need to ask her to grant me permission, I didn’t and I did go and it was horrible (for me) she got her revenge, she must have used that cursed voodoo that she does!

I had been offered a lift there and back, so that was a plus and the person is pleasant company and really helpful at work, so what could go wrong (hahaha) as always I have gotten ahead of  myself, I  had some lieu time to take and I wanted to get on with painting in the house (yes with cracked ribs, me a sadist? what makes you think that) a couple of coats and my mood was still in the toilet (literally) not people around me, just me and my black dog, I’m going to call him  “Bob”  I suffered through a couple of coats and then did some prep work on other parts of the house using some white matt paint except it went on pink WTF I hated the world with a passion at this point, thankfully it did dry white, once again thankfully I was pulled back from the brink. My tinnitus has also been plaguing me the last couple of weeks and it was building to a crescendo, salvo after salvo of white noise, thankfully today its down to a dull roar.

I also was doing some clear up work in the loft and a couple of chaps from work arrived  to helped me out, I couldn’t have done it by myself! crap that has been in the loft since before we moved in, I simply wanted it gone, again the ribs played a part, I really am getting too old for this crap, a couple of hours and it was complete and I waved goodbye to them I crawled onto the settee in agony, my ribs , my knees you name it and it was all so sore! I waited until my good lady arrived home and I climbed into a hot bath to soak away my ails, I was sensible enough to wait until she was in, just in case I got stuck, after all I am old, I had been given some lovely clothes from a friend, good quality stuff not like the normal shite I buy from ASDA (Walmart for the readers in the good old US of A) so I chose a shirt for the night and I posted a picture to prove I hadn’t given them away to charity, now I hate my picture taken (more of that later) I have a face for radio, I avoid it all costs but I needed to say thank you, now I got quite a few likes for the picture (something I’m not used to) believe it or not it made me feel worse I was spiralling quite badly, it didn’t help “Bob” sat licking his lips, I didn’t/don’t think that a fat bloke in a shirt qualifies for all of the likes, thank you, but some of you people need to drink a lot less in the daytime!

The rain didn’t stop all day, now believe it or not this normally cheers me up not today, my lift arrived on time and I entered the vehicle trying to pose as cheerful as possible, making small talk and the discovering that it’s a smaller world than you can imagine (I wont bore you with the details) we struggled to get parked but did eventually, then with a small hike to the venue, once I got there I knew I had made a ghastly mistake, there were people there enjoying themselves “Bob” was having none of it and he sank  his teeth deep into the organ called my brain, it was like being in one of Dante’s circles of hell, cameras all around me and people not taking the hint, I growled and bit at them, even with all of the drink that had been consumed they soon took the hint, I didn’t mind them having a good time, it was a great party, but I simply should not have gone, as the night dragged on, I simply didn’t leave my seat I interacted as little as I could “Bob” was happy, if I had come down with anybody else I would have sneaked away, I didn’t want to drink, I didn’t want to breathe the intoxication of them having a good time, it was good to see people letting their hair down, I didn’t deserve this, I shouldn’t have been there I was an intruder, I’m glad I didn’t drink as I would have been worse and I would have ended up fighting with someone, I nearly did and I was sober, yes it wasn’t good. I had three glasses of water maybe people finally took the hint!

Staff awards, more happiness and fun, more “Bob” food and small talk, more “Bob” I was sitting there hating the world (actually just the small part I inhabit) more small talk, more “Bob” a cabaret act, which meant thankfully people left me alone and I only had to threaten the official photographer once, hey he remembered me from my official work photograph, see I do not have people skills, but I can growl! so they could go and enjoy themselves, good for them, it was like I had been transported to a room full of aliens, happy friendly aliens all the same it simply wasn’t what I  needed at that moment in time! thankfully the night ended and I was able to slide away with very little fuss, outside in the rain “Bob” slinked back ten paces, more small talk and a brief journey home. I said thank you and took a deep  breath before I entered home as I knew “Bob” was already there waiting for me, I wasn’t pleasant company, I wasn’t unpleasant I was simply holding or at least trying to hold “Bob” at arm’s length, thankfully we soon climbed the wooden hill and I was soon in a dreamless state , but I awoke as though I had indeed been on the drink and “Bob” was still sat at the bottom of the bed.

Breakfast and drugs (for my diabetes) and a plan for a blog, turn Farcebook on and I’m still amazed more people liked my photograph, it didn’t help, I was getting angry (WTF is wrong with my head)  watched the wife head off to work, and I went to get some bread and bits and pieces (junk not good for the soul) now as I type this I feel better, “Bob” is in the house I feel his presence, but he is in the dark recesses where I cant see him, maybe eating a double pack of biscuits is all I need to keep him away, I am only joking I know its not healthy as are my black moods, not healthy for me or my friends and loved ones, unfortunately when “Bob” pops up I no longer am in charge of me, I can fight him to the best of my ability, but I usually am the loser.

As of this moment I do feel slightly better, not perfect but slightly better, I will take each little victory in this ongoing war with “Bob” I really hope that I didn’t spoil anybody’s night (well apart from one prick, I hope I really did piss in his gravy) there was a lot of effort put in to try and ensure that the staff get a little reward for all of their hard work they certainly deserve it, well done to everybody for their efforts but I reckon for a much better time don’t let me go to any more, for everybody’s sake!

For the rest of the day I need to ensure that my head is in the right frame of mind for my coming short working week, I need to give my head a shake, I had been doing so well, I am aware that we all go through peaks and troughs, this was the worst downside I had suffered, thankfully not related to my PTSD, no matter what happens the world keeps turning I know I have to pick myself up and dust myself off, do my (mental) exercises be strong for everybody else and make sure I can do the best for them, I’m not in a bad place (and as always there was/is no chance of any self-harm, calm down at the back) I am  as of this moment officially waving not drowning, I know this has been a bleak blog but I needed to spew this on to a page, sometimes it’s the only to clear your head and get rid of the dread! I’m sitting here listening to music playing the new ELO album, its not helping, I’m off to play he whole album from which the blog title is taken from, yes, the name game is in play even for the bleak blogs!

So hopefully I will be able to do another in a couple of days and my intention is to try (I did say try) and make it happier, more than likely a historical one, one can only hope, thank you for all of your kind comments to previous blogs I really wouldn’t be able to do this without the support of you the discerning (blog) reader! So watch the skies for more incoming, keep spreading the disease, like buses there will always be another one in a couple of days, until then……………. Toodles!