I'm a big believer that "a shy bairn gets nowt" and with that in mind, I'd like to throw caution to the wind and ask the Vatican's collage or the cardinals to consider me as the next Pope! now hold onto your knickers this isn't as controversial as some of you might think (I can feel guns being loaded and crosses being set on fire as I type). Hear me out, the next time that there's an opening for the top job make sure that my application is right at the top of the pile.
Now before you get your knickers all up in a bunch, lets just look at all the good reasons before we go anywhere near the negatives! I'm Protestant - that's close enough isn't it, I mean it could be worse I could be Jewish, Buddhist or even a Methodist.....I do draw the line at Shinto (notice no mention of any religions that might try and kill my ass see I'm public relations savvy already, plus the FBI might not save my sorry ass this time). I love all the stories that are filled with the "smiting" and all of the "begetting"! Ok so I am once divorced and am currently married blog writer with a whiter than whiter past (well compared to some of the last candidates). Most importantly I really do look like a twat in a hat (this is a qualification that's required right?).
Ok so there might be a few more Con's than Pro's, well how about these then, I am completely untouched by the (latest) abuse scandal that is currently engulfing the church, I can stand on any balcony (although I do hope that you do adhere to the current working at heights regulations as I wouldn't wish to break the law) waving to the faithful with a straight(ish) face, I can go on all of the chat shows and tell the world that "I have never met an alter boy" with me as your pontiff you could earn some serious plausible deniability! I am actually very spiritually inclined (Vodka, Rum, Bourbon all the greats).
I would love a job where my primary thrust was to promote prayer and meditation or acts of loving kindness, although in the interest of full disclosure, we would have to negotiate some common sense middle ground for any actual thrusting that I might want to do! it would be a shame to waste adoring masses (well as long as they were consenting adults, you have enough on your hands for the other thing and goats have a tendency to bite......so I'm told!) finally there would be the name Pope "walks with broken hoop" how can a billion and one true believers not sit there and smile and breath a sigh of relief with a Pope with a sensible name I mean come on.....Linus, Anacletus, Telesphorus, Hyginus do I need to go on? when that white smoke is coming from that itty bitty chimney ready to announce my investiture what could possibly go wrong?
Cardinals I want to take this open letter to assure you that while my Papacy "would be just a little outside of the box" you could rest assured that I would passionately carry the word to the poor and downtrodden beginning with a visit to Necker Island, Las Vegas or at a push Monaco (while the grand prix is on). Just think of all the marketing opportunities I could walk the cobbles in Coronation street trying to ensure that Haley doesn't do anything stupid, prop up the bar in the Woolpack conversing over a holy wine or two with all of the Dingles (think of the t-shirt opportunities). What's to stop me (apart from my dodgy knees) from busting some moves on dancing with the stars???? eh what fantastic opportunity this could be for you guys! now don't get me started on spoken word / comedy albums I reckon I could give that Billy Connolly a run for his money, I already have a few titles in mind Kiss the ring ....number of the beast not sure of the second one that might have been used before, but you get the picture, this has great opportunity written all over it, you have my numbers and my address give me a shout .....later Bitches!
Oh one last thing is it double time for Sundays?
there you go see I can still be quite insulting when I wish to be I was going to post this last Monday as the three little projects went wonderfully but I let them stew a little so I could add a little here and there I hope you enjoy and watch the skies just in case normal service is resumed and I just realised I never mentioned scientology once I mean come on I don't want Tom Cruise coming around and jumping on my settee I mean I haven't finished paying for it yet.....Toodles!
Is the name game in play? you bet ya sweet ass it is! as I realised the title I was going to use had in actual fact already been used....go figure! so after some scrambling and Googling yes this is a song title!
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