The Patagonia Express

Well that was wilder than "Mr Toads wild ride" we have had an excellent weekend admittedly I'm hoping I can grow a bit  more Liver because I'm running out of organs to pay for any more excursions but what the hell you only live once so here we go...

We arrived at the Prancing Pony hot to trot and we didn't hang about we yomped straight into town to start  our journey on the way to the Metro it was explained to me that G was wearing many layers in fact so many layers it seems that G has been sponsored by a firm called Patagonia although they are only paying him in pixxy dust we were to have much fun at his expense, we arrived in Newcastle and set about gathering provisions mainly from the Geordie Embassy (Greggs to those who don't know) the wife was being held down by an extremely heavy chain because she was heading for the stratosphere this was going to get bumpy, there was an abundance of Japanese people on the train who were intent in asking G a lot of questions and when  that didn't work then they spent the rest of the trip to Glasgow standing (they mustn't have paid to sit) I was attacked by the trolley dolly (in a nice way) we munched our way through an entire bag of Rowntree Wine pastilles and I have to admit we were all a tad disappointed we also started playing camper van which on a speeding train is a tad difficult and there was much playing with a muff but there was concern as to whether it was fluffy or hairy we decided on fluffy (well actually I was threatened with violence so fluffy it is!).

We arrived in Glasgow and got to the hotel which was lovely but they wanted a billion pound for everything(OK so a slight exaggeration)   no free WI Fi which is why I have waited to get home before doing this blog there wasn't even any biscuits (tight bastards) we found a spoons close to the hotel even though there was a hole as big as the grand canyon outside in the main road and when ever we were in there we waited for cars to disappear into it, one thing that I did notice was that Scotland is like China every fecker smokes very few didn't it was like going back in time , we walked to the gig and I have to admit I find Steel Panther OK I thought the joke had worn thin on the second album but live they were entertaining and even the wife who hates them (sort of) enjoyed it Motley Crue again although not  huge fan  I really did enjoy the show and we ran away after that back to the local spoons had a few night caps and hit the hay, at this point I was starting to suffer because of the walking although I slowed everybody down I wasn't too bad it was the standing still that got me.

The next day we hit the road and after getting breakfast at (you guessed it) spoon's a slight glitch with a cold breakfast we were gob smacked to discover we couldn't buy alcohol .....IN SCOTLAND actually we could buy it on the street so guess what we did? we headed to the train station and bumped into Steel Panther without  the wigs or the attitude and me and G laughed at how my good lady wife changed her tune and thought they were great (hypocrite hahahaha) we jumped on the train and revenge was had by the others who took a photograph as I drooled while asleep (I have a long memory boys and girls hahahaha) there was much fluffing of the muff we arrived back at the Prancing Pony we even had a visit from Santa (ho ho ho) Me and G retreated to the Brit so that the girls could enjoy the X Factor s***   I mean final, we jumped into bed ready for another early morning call this rock n roll lifestyle was hectic.

I was struggling at this point and was borrowing (ahem) my wife's painkillers, we did a repeat journey to Newcastle and the wife had a major meltdown in which I was going to beat her to death with a train but she took a breath and calmed down thankfully otherwise I would be blogging from Durham Prison we travelled to Manchester by train and I was annoyed by a nugget sat next to us who if I had been a naughty person I could have wrote down his bank details and had a whale of a time some people are just dumb. We arrived In a wet Manchester so G put his Kagool on we then had a quick walk to the hotel which wasn't far we got ready and as we were going out for something to eat the rest of the gang turned up we arranged to meet them at the venue and we headed out, we ate we got to the venue started watching the gig which was more of the same in a much bigger venue and then we or rather I had an altercation with a sheep shagger .....sorry I meant a welsh person, said person was ignored and then we again left before Def Leppard came on,we hit a few pubs and headed for a kebab the wife needed the facilities so we split to the hotel while the others got something to eat as we headed down the street back to the kebab shop we saw somebody running up the street who really did need to get to a toilet quick hahahaha (I believe the word mincing was used to describe his walking style) we got our food and I headed to the mincers room to eat mine and generally chill and when the guys headed to the bar I dived out and hit the hay I needed more painkillers and my bed.

we awoke and headed for breakfast and annoyed people when we wouldn't wait in line for shit we didn't want headed back to spoons for a second breakfast on the way to the station and chilled on the way back with 4 of us sat in cattle class and SMOR up in first class he did dance his ass all the way down to see us which was fun and in reality just as soon as it had started it was over.....aaaaaah!

Now I know this is actually only about 3% of what happened and I know I took notes all weekend and to do justice to the entire weekend is going to take more time than I have tonight and I did promise peeps that I would post something tonight but hey I have to keep something good for the book and I intend to get about 2 chapters out of this weekend so I hope you enjoyed the taster but wait until the next book is done and the real and  full unabridged version of the weekend  will make Motley Crue's The Dirt look like a Sunday School book, please don't hate me but time has spun away from me and I need to head to my bed as I have 3 heavy days at work and I need to be up at about 4.30 in the morning what I would like to say is that I have had even with the few glitches had one of the best experiences of my life thank you to everybody who made it be all that it was and until the next time Toodles!