Be good to yourself

I feel as though I am a porn star who has overdosed on Viagra, three blogs in three days………...hang on that might not be the best analogy!

All is calm all is well, I have enjoyed the last few days of writing with gay abandon, no not that kind of gay…. I am not coming out of any closet, honestly, emotions have been kept on an even keel, the last few weeks have been patchy to say the least, but I was building to having an explosion of writing, the intention has been to try and do something slightly different, emotions were always going to come into play because it would appear that they play on my mind a lot, just at the moment they appear to be fine and dandy……………at the moment!

I have tried to analyse how to get in this frame of mind and I honestly cannot nail it down to any one thing, how to stay in a good mood is an even harder thing to try and suss out, a chemical imbalance that follows the whim of its nature, truthfully I am at the best I have been for a while about sixty to forty, that’s not to say that the ship has been righted but it is getting there, I’m sure that’s a good thing. My demons are still there, however the tools I was given in my CBT course have moved me on in leaps and bounds, I have only one bad spark and that was something that couldn’t have been avoided, I didn’t like my response, but hopefully I can learn from it and be a better person because of it.

My moods are ever changing, not simply black or white anymore, there has been many shades of grey, something I can’t quite get my head around, but I shall endeavour to keep trying, purely because I wish to be a better person for my family and friends as a whole. At times I want my monster to come at me full tilt because that’s how strong I feel emotionally, although I am aware that I need to be careful for what I wish for, as the little black cloud usually know when the defenses are at their lowest, but so far so good ……….

Nobody who has mental health issues (and no I am not saying that I do) wishes to be bad, they don’t wish to be out there howling at the moon but sometimes it’s so damn good to go bat shit crazy, if only to wear the monster down, it’s the strangers who haven’t got a clue what an individual is going through, maybe that’s why people so infrequently sit next to me on the plague carrier, maybe I have some kind of invisible aura, I’m not sure, all I know is if I try smiling all the time it scares the living shit out of them or people ask if I need to be burped, more than likely the latter!

There will always I suspect be a darkness within me, a darkness that picks at my skin trying to get to the soft underbelly of me, trying to bring me back to the pit of despair that I have wallowed in enough, it’s time to move on and to be a better person whether that helps me or not, I need the angels in my life the ones that have brought light into a dark soul, and I know that this sounds melodramatic, but without them I would have got worse so much worse, I struggle to like myself at the best of times, without those friends past and present I would have been a lost cause no matter what.

So with friends and family the intention is to get better that cannot be achieved overnight, I know that I have to be good to myself, I know it’s going to be worse before it is better, but I am trying (very I know)as hard as my little black cloud will allow me, I know how much progress I have made, I also know how much more I need to make.

Again, something different from the last two blogs all is calm all is well, trust me in this, cunning plans are abound, hopefully the weather will do one long enough for me and the wife to go and see the Shields posse tomorrow now that will be a blog to behold until then, watch the skies, keep spreading the disease, Toodles!