Living in the past

And so, the blogs continue with more pressing writing going on and as per usual I have spun out in a maelstrom of plans and notes for upcoming blogs and the such like. Ideas are like worms they wriggle in and out of my brain and because I have no structure at the minute its like a bloody flood of ideas I’m not sure where I stand, so I am going to pick ideas out at random and dissect them accordingly and like worms you know for a fact that both parts will want to live!

I have recently been thinking about family and wondering about a lot of things from my past and trying to connect the dots and something simply isnt adding up, way too much to go into detail in this particular blog, it’s something I have mentioned previously but I waved it away as though it didn’t matter, it seems like it does as it keeps worming its way back into my brain, at some point I need to sit down and put some serious effort into it but for now put it to one side until I can give it enough of my brain to think over all the kind of things that do need to be considered, confused yet, because I am but hey that’s just the way that the cookie crumbles.

I have been having similar thoughts about friends but not quite so dark, just wondering what has transpired over the last twenty five years, a lot of my old friends although I am friendly, I rarely see (if I’m honest of late I have rarely seen any friends but that’s for another time) we are still friendly but simply nodding acquaintances these days, although the platitudes from them are still “we will have to go for a pint” it never happens and for that I have resigned myself to that, it’s a shame, when I’m a friend I’m a friend for life not just a flavour of the month type of guy, but over the years I have put myself out for them , it hasn’t been reciprocated, it makes me think how much of friends we  actually were? I know there are some people who refused to associate with me simply because of some of these friends and yet when I stood by them……… ah  you can see the worms can’t you, there is no malice to these people I still have an awful lot of fond memories of earlier times it would appear that they don’t and maybe the good times were not as good as I remember! Again, more for future blogs and it will be all positive…………I promise!

Also I have been ruminating decisions in my life and I have been also trying to keep a positive spin on that as well , I will admit once I have made my mind up I have rarely been swayed to change my mind, right or wrong I try not to dwell on it, what if’s most of them I could live with one or two I really do wish that I had chosen a different path, it is what it is and you do (allegedly) learn from your mistakes, in my life there are probably only two decisions I wish I could change both in my teens but what the hell did I know at the time I was a flaming ball of teenage neurosis…..well that my excuse and I’m going to stick with it, again something from the past for the future.

Have I taken the right path I? I probably have, you do what you do I have very little regret again if I let what if’s rule my life it could be for the worse, it’s something that I do intend do intend to investigate the paths that I have taken, hopefully with a positive spin lots more ideas for blogs again from a positive point of reference rather than the dark side that has infested some of the more recent blogs have done.

Am I happy with the place I have ended up , well like everybody there could always be one or two tweaks but it’s all down to me at the end of the day, I have never really dug down deep to think about why I did whatever I did at that particular time, but with all the ideas that have floated to the surface from my break in blogging, in all honesty I should have never stopped blogging, but now the levee has been breached and for once I am looking forward to all things written ……….well at the moment LOL

I have also remembered some of the people who I upset over the years and this is part of the thread that is running through the thought of this blog I have indeed been living in the past and have been reliving a lot of past issues, which in the real schemes thing probably amount to nothing and if you talk to the individuals they would probably look at me like a demented buffoon, but these thoughts have stuck with for a reason I need to take them like an onion and peel the many layers and see what is left after all the crying (at least no sailing metaphors yet) I can think of one person who I upset (if you have read some of the recent blogs and are a good detective you should be able to decipher the code) and at the time being so full of testosterone (and bullshit) I didn’t care, but all the years later down the line the fact that I still think of the individual and hate the fact I may have poisoned this person’s life in anyway shape of forms sits with me every day (not in a completely negative but I do feel bad).

Did I do this deliberately , no of course I didn’t I like to think that I am a pretty good person, but I do believe that good guys finish last, and this has affected some of the outcome of my life, I do try to live my life by a higher standard (it’s a fault that the nice doctor pointed out to me in my therapy sessions)  but as long as I can keep going forward that’s a positive thing and at the moment my family need as much positivity as possible, why did I do what I did at the time? I have no idea or at least I don’t think I know, but again in the coming weeks we shall see, I may still need therapy we shall see at the end of the next set of blogs I’m sure some of you may point out my many issues as they pop up!

I have been a big fat liar to myself over the years, yes to myself mainly but at some point I bet I have I have lied to some of my friends ,  family and even my countrymen but not intentionally, I hate lying it’s a trait my father had and yes I do intend to broach this the most dastardly of all of my living in the past I believe my father is the point of all evil and that particular blog may have a large portion of bile, please do not say that you haven’t been warned!

What does the future hold? Who knows who cares do any of you give a rats ass, I have no idea, at the moment I’m in a good place for writing and it has been helping me, is there still issues damn right the main one being life, but its better placed to be positive rather than negative, I feel as though I have wallowed enough, believe me I have, but hopefully it has given a boost , not the boost of some good luck, but hey ho beggars cannot be choosers!

I feel like I am making forward traction again, I feel that I need to get a grip and I feel the need to blog, and yes I can hear some of you groan “we have heard that before” it is what it is , I primarily write for me the fact that some of you come along for the ride is pretty damn good! So keep spreading the disease, until the next time Toodles!