Confusion

Ok so I have sat and contemplated my navel for the last six days, that’s how long it has been since my last session and has it helped? I really have no idea! If anything it appears to have opened a huge can of worms with more damn questions than there appears to be answers. Blurred vision is the best way to describe it as everything is so out of focus, it’s like my whole point of view is covered with a greasy film of some kind, and admittedly I have spent some of the time getting over the worst case of Noro Virus, I’m not sure what has sapped my motivation from me, the virus certainly didn’t help, I just know I really don’t give a rats ass at this moment of my life about much!

I see myself as a pretty unemotional person, I don’t read into things I usually just go with the flow, but since the treatment started I have been over thinking (in my mind anyway) just about everything, and at times I have to admit I don’t care for the feelings, I much prefer to glide through things without giving it too much thought. There has been a fair bit of anger, not directed at anybody other than myself and it doesn’t last for long, but I can officially declare I really don’t like the person that I am, why? Again I have no idea yet more questions and not a bloody answer to help me navigate through this thing we call life. Mainly I suspect that I’m pretty much jealous of how other people seem to be able to get on with their lives without all of the drama that I feel I am attracting to my own life at the moment, doing the writing about my treatment hasn’t been as cathartic as I had hoped, If anything it’s held me back, again with all of the over thinking. It appears the incident that has caused me all of my issues was not processed correctly; this is a common occurrence with my condition.

The black moods that I am suffering at the moment(nothing new there ask some of my older friends) hang about for a lot longer these days and sometimes they gang up on me, the indifference has helped quite a bit though as I’m not fighting them if they come they come, emotionally they don’t drain me like they used to, yes they still cause me to be upset but I’m not stopping them now, it’s like the tide there is nothing you can do to stop it so why waste time and energy to do that, maybe I should have learnt  that 32 years ago. My therapist has asked me many questions about my black moods; I don’t think I’m ready to spill the beans just yet.

Positivity is what I’m trying to bring into my life and some might believe me and other’s won’t I can’t help them I just want to be a better person, some of you probably feel that I’m doing ok, some of you who really know me know understand that I’m not, the fact that I have asked for help was a huge hurdle and has helped me immeasurably, am I cured? Don’t be silly, but I see chinks of daylight peeping through that darkness, faint beams, sometimes just for the shortest time, but it is there I have seen it, I’m now greedy I want that on a more regular basis, do I think I will ever be completely cured? No I don’t but with some new tools and tricks of the trade, I’m hoping that I can be a better person, at least better than who I am today! So with that in mind I need every day to try and put my best foot forward.

The main issue and I have mentioned this in a number of times in previous books and blogs is the fact that I have to like myself (WTF)! This is the one of the things I struggle to evaluate, I’m not saying that I hate myself, I’m just stating the fact that I really don’t care for myself, I’m sorry I can’t describe it and believe me I have tried, why do I have to like myself? I’m not the most popular person (or the most unpopular either) but I was involved in an accident, I feel that I could have helped stop it, this accident has shaped every second of my life afterwards, so I’m told by a very good therapist, trust me I’ve had a few and this one seems to be the one that has made some kind of headway with me, again it’s raising far more questions than answers, but that’s supposed to be a good thing! Because of this though to say that I’m confused would be an understatement, I rarely change my opinion (rightly or wrongly) so the fact that I have to change my opinion about myself is about as easy as a 747 trying to change runways as it comes in for an emergency landing……damned hard!

Another worry at least for me is what if the wife doesn’t like the person I become, my personality may change, I might even become harder to live with than I am now, ok I’m no angel but I’m no devil either as I said earlier I generally just go with the flow, what if all of a sudden I don’t, some might say that it could be a good thing, now I’m not a betting man, but sometimes change isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be, I love my wife I have never made a secret of that, without her I would have crashed and burned a long time ago, sometimes I think she struggles with me (not that she would admit that) and I can only admire her determination because I know I couldn’t have given her the same level of support over the years that we have been together, but there is a fear that she will not like a new me, for better or worse, even with all the help and support I have been given I know I could always get a whole lot worse, a return to the bad old days of the 80’s where I tried to drink myself sensible (was never going to happen) or just become permanently unhappy (yes more so than now) confusion is the word that defines me as I sit typing this.

As I came away from my session last Wednesday and I really didn’t like me at all, and I wasn’t a happy chap at all (one of the reasons why I have waited before typing this particular chapter) as I waited for the bus home I was quietly fuming at myself, what for? as always I have no idea, thankfully the spell was broken by bumping into somebody I went to school with, she was driving the bus so I had to be that little bit personable, she was someone who I knew before this incident in my life and although I didn’t want to be sociable she saved me on the day, she was a truly nice person at school and seems to have travelled through her life following the same route. She brought me back to my senses simply by recognising me and saying hello, and as I got off the bus she didn’t ignore me like she could have done and we said goodbye, sometimes the littlest thing can save the day.

So I have been off for nearly a full week and I have moped (as always) around the house doing the odd little chore, but the motivation hasn’t been there to do anything else I have read and scratched my arse watched TV (yes me) and conversed with an old friend on a daily basis (food) it’s not healthy, I know it’s not healthy, but food doesn’t bitch at me it’s just there! The only real trip out was to a concert (yes I blogged about it) which made me so happy, but it didn’t last I was soon brought back to earth with a bump; there must be more to life than this? I know money is tight, but as I hurtle through space approaching my 50^th birthday, what’s the point? Every step or cunning plan we have we seem to get shot down every damn time!  Now if you have got this far hopefully you will be aware that I have no intention of self-harming myself, but if I don’t shake this funk from my life, I fear I will be harming the friends and relationships that I have left in my life, I don’t make friends easily so I can ill afford to lose the ones that I have in my life now, the ones that mean so much to me.