From The shoreline

The penultimate session over I came home and realised that soon I would be launched back into humanity, defences allegedly repaired, ready to take on the tidal pull of life and wherever that might take me. Most of today’s session was covering what I had learned so far, and how I had learnt to handle my issue and life to a larger degree! Positivity seems to be the prescription of today and while I don’t understand where it is coming from (I seem to have developed a spring of the stuff within me) the fact that I have not done any compulsive eating in the last eight weeks (lord knows there have been occasions when I have wanted to bury my head into some long forgotten food stuff in the cupboard that wouldn’t be missed) I came close on Saturday for no reason, thankfully I was able to shake my head and walk away. There has been no large intake of alcoholic spirits (and there are loads on top of the cabinet in the living room) I did treat myself to a small case of Corona, which as I sit and write/type this, it’s still sat in my small fridge with more than three quarters still intact, just doing what in reality I should have been doing all this time…………Chilling!

I felt happy that looking back over the course of my treatment that it has chipped away at my issues, bit by bit and until it was pointed out that I hadn’t noticed how much relaxed I had become, something eighteen months ago would have seen totally unconceivable, I now realise that my issue has been covering a multitude of sins and although I have not attempted to deal with these, simply because like a typical male I take all of my issues and form them into a nice neat ball and force them all way down into the pit of my stomach and well I do what we males do best, I ignore them, like you should (D’oh!) as I had said today I felt I was still in a darkened place but at least I now had small torch to help me out at the worst of these times.

We also discussed the fact that I keep using (mainly nautical) analogies for just about everything, hells bells even the title of this chapter is how I feel at this moment, I feel as though I am standing on the shore line looking out at the sea that at the moment is calm, yes there is stormy weather over there on the horizon (isn’t there always) at the moment I’m safe, I certainly feel better than I have in a long time, cured?  hell no, I hope I’m far too sensible to fall into that false hope, I just happen to be slightly better equipped to deal with those demons and now, well I intend to take the fight to them instead of letting them come and kick me whenever they feel like it, they don’t have an invitation and they are not welcome!

It would appear that I seem to have a more mature handle on things, and although I was tired (but thankfully not emotional) I seemed to be on an even keel, at peace with certain things and not being stressed for long periods of time, the hour was soon long gone, and I headed once again down the small hill at the hospital, taking my time and plugging in my music as I ambled (posh way of saying I’m crippled) towards the bus stop, I realised I was quite relaxed, not in any kind of hurry at all, and I had a number of different streams of thoughts going mainly how I was going to go home and write this up, firstly though I was going to catch my bus, I interacted with total strangers, something I would normally pretend not to hear them due to my head phones, but today I wasn’t ignorant and I was even happy (if even for a little while) as I travelled home, to cook a meal for everybody, that I shared and didn’t try to greedily eat the bulk of it.

It’s an obvious title and no I won’t be using it (the final countdown) as the final straight is ahead of me and my intention is to take a good firm grip of my rudder (I had to stay nautical didn’t I?) and yes I know it’s not going to be plain sailing, but I’m not giving in without a fight, this boy intends to go out swinging, so please don’t get in the way, I have wasted so much time (my fault and nobody else’s fault, please don’t think I’m blaming anybody else) I intend to climb back  in the ring and slowly try to regain the momentum that I had when I was younger, hopefully in the process making everybody’s life who is in my orbit that little bit better, to be honest they surely deserve it.

The book is now drawing to a close, these last few chapters will potentially be shorter and a little happier (hahahaha) than the previous nine hundred bile filled chapters! And yes I have planned an exit strategy; I intend to turn this vanity project from what was at one point just pages and pages of black despair (was hahaha) hopefully to something that hopefully somebody might as some point realise that all hope is never truly lost, there is always a path back, you just have to find your way back to it, hopefully in bright brilliant sunlight, but cloudy or rainy weather will suffice as well as long as well all make it back to a safe path.

Cunning plans abound and titles chosen, pictures picked, so to speak this little project is gathering pace, I just have to relearn how to use the technology on how to publish this, soon it will be time to slip my moorings and head back out onto open waters.