Poke the bear

Today was not a day I was looking forward to, I had been forewarned where today’s session was going and I had loaded all of my defences for Bear, this had the potential to go off the rails, today was the day I was not only going to confront my issues I was going to poke them with a bloody big sharp stick.

Although I feel I have been very open as I have been writing all of my emotions down regarding my treatment, there are some things I have no intention of sharing and that includes some of the thoughts and memories that surfaced today, why simply because they are far too raw for me to share, I found today the most emotional session of my treatment and I have to admit I was so exhausted when I came home today I needed some space I went upstairs and just tried to dissect what had gone on today, this chapter is the abridged version.

I had basically set myself up for the fall; In the previous session I had indicated that I didn’t relish the thought of covering the same material over and over again in one session, only to be told that’s exactly what I would be doing in the very next session (D’oh!) I had painted myself into a corner, in reality this was going to happen sooner rather than later, it was time to bite the bullet and crack on. My sleep was getting less as the weeks had been ongoing mainly thanks to the mask dealing with my sleep apnea, I had also been dreaming less and less so I felt rested on the mornings, although my waking hours were troubled by the repeated playing of my image over and over again, I did have a handle on it, I was slowly trying to dissect what was dripping like an insidious feed into my brain, I felt confident (something I hadn’t concerning my problem in a long time) although work was starting to be a pain, and I had raised a flag to start a war of attrition with a certain manager , why? Purely because I could and more than likely because I wanted something to disconnect me replaying with increased quality my image over and over again. The week dragged on and I sat quietly playing the scenario over in my head especially how I was going to deal with it, when all of a sudden I had that light bulb sensation, I was in control, I would dissect how I dealt and responded to the session, a course of action decided upon, I had just had to get through the rest of the days without killing, maiming or generally annoying the population at large.

The day before my appointment and I was just generally being  annoyed at work, nothing to do with my issue just worn out by the petty power struggles amongst the various departments, I was full of dread but only about work and nothing else. I slept well and got to work in time and then ran into a wall of glue the day just dragged and dragged, again keeping a low profile as I didn’t want to connect to anybody else’s problems as I had enough of my own. My lift and I left bang on time and we were stunned that there was no traffic and we hit every traffic light on green without speeding I was sat outside the hospital a full half an hour before my appointment, I sat outside and enjoyed the cool clean air, spots of rain kept getting blown under the canopy were I was sitting, I didn’t mind it felt good it felt as though I was in the present. Soon enough I had to head into the little blue door and say hello to the nice lady who is the receptionist who always greats me like a human being and not the raving lunatic that I see myself at times! I admitted that I knew I was early but the weather was getting wetter outside so I didn’t mind waiting, I needn’t have worried as I was soon whisked along the corridor to the usual chair making small talk knowing I was attempting to delay the inevitable.

Then the session started and again as I said at the start I have no intention of listing what was said, let’s just say that certain events were viewed and reviewed with greater clarity than ever before and yes I was emotional, no wailing or gnashing of teeth, but I was moved in a good way and for the first time in a long time I had a greater understanding on how to handle the problem, I did get to a certain point and say that I wanted to change the topic and I was brought back to the present with a reassuring ease. I poked the bear and he had tried to clip me with a huge swipe of his big claws, but I was able to side step although it was a close run thing, the session finished after ninety minutes and I was steered back to feeling good about myself.

I left as the weather calmed down it had rained but it was muggy again and I was exhausted, I wasn’t sure if I had missed my bus or not, I was glad to get to the bus stop and sit and watch the windmills (yet again) that tower  over the valley getting a feeling of calm from these hulking giants, after a few minutes a deserted bus turned up and I was glad of the solitude, I didn’t feel the need to be a people person I just wanted to sit and veg out! Thankfully the bus took the short route home and as I crossed the main road to my home, the rain came back as though it was chasing me home, the youngest was dog sitting and I felt almost like a zombie so I made my excuses and said I needed some time, my knees were playing up and I wanted to stretch out, although I was exhausted I didn’t feel tired like I normally would have, but I still stretched out on the bed once I was comfortable and I simply looked at the ceiling feeling neither happy or sad I just felt drained. After half an hour the youngest came upstairs and told me the time (probably making sure I hadn’t fell asleep) I said I would be up in a second, dammit she had said the magic words no sooner had she said it then I was out like a light only to be awoken by my wife a further thirty minutes down the line, not feeling anything other than emptiness, for no reason other than I had slept and didn’t get the refreshment I obviously craved. I lay a few minutes more then pulled myself together, heading into the kitchen to make tea as I had promised the night before.

That’s when the day got strange, my wife who usually is so understanding, wasn’t, not her fault I just wanted a little space and she wasn’t her usual thoughtful self, I didn’t want to argue but that’s the way it appeared the night was going to go! I retreated to my laptop to start honing this chapter I was going to try and do something different write straight to the computer and hopefully get some sense (hahaha yeah right) as opposed to just a stream of consciousness, and by and large it has worked, tea was lovely (even if I say so myself) but the ugly mood between us was never far from the surface and after an ugly encounter  I decided to shut up as the only losers would be us, no common ground or common sense between us and nobody wanting to yield an inch. This was the thing I was worried about more than anything else, me being more assertive and expressing my opinion and for people not to really like or understand my statement or position, withdraw regroup and rethink, at least my mind was taken away from the other matter, the bear has wandered off and I intend to pick the bones from the carcass before I return next week, hopefully stronger for the week of contemplation.

As for being sat in a fox hole I have no idea how to deal with this particular hand grenade, the fuse running short, all the pressure that’s been building up, I know I need to defuse the situation, but I don’t feel like running the white flag up the pole just yet as I don’t feel I have done or said anything wrong, it’s my opinion I respect yours all I’m asking is that you respect mine. Today is done time to try and get some semblance of order because although I am deflecting what has gone today, tomorrow may not be so kind and I need everybody back on the defence line just in case the bear decides to amble back into view. The finish line now looms ever closer and I have to build my defences ever higher, I have asked for help and yes I have received it, it’s me that has to utilise what has been discussed over these weeks.